The internet is good for society, but I’m pretty sure it is what is responsible for a rise in suicide among youth. People can hide behind anonymous icons and say whatever they want. What is a better thing to do with your Monday evening than sit with a group of friends and send abusive messages to someone you don’t really like? It doesn’t really bother me that I was targeted, it wasn’t a big deal. It’s just the fact that it happens, and happens to people who are less stable than I currently am. I acknowledge the fact that people probably do it because they are ignorant to the effect it can have.  But words have impact. I remember the comments made about me from when I was 7 years old. Yet I can say with complete confidence that the person who said them cannot recall it.

It just makes me think of Olivia Penpraze. She isn’t the first or last girl on tumblr who has killed themselves due to anonymous ‘hate’ but she has stuck out to me. She was attacked verbally-online and in person-for no good reason really. I think it’s incredibly tragic that a young girl with so much life left to live gave up because of the words other people said.

I think the most dangerous thing about cyberbullying is that no one else can see it. It doesn’t have to be public. So all we can do is inform people’s ignorance to the matter, and trust that they stop. Trust that they are intelligent enough.

Chloe

They bring to mind messages in a bottle, cast onto the virtual sea of the internet, hoping someone will pick up their S.O.S. They do. But sadly not always in time.

Before Amanda Todd there was 19-year-old Olivia Penpraze (above). She was bullied, but her chief affliction was the psychosis she believed developed as a result. She describes the evil hallucinations and voices she experienced as a “LIVING, BREATHING NIGHTMARE”. Think about that for a second: she means the phrase literally, not metaphorically. She warns that she usually tries to commit suicide on May 1^st, and that this time she would succeed. She didn’t even last that long.

Her father discovered her messages in a bottle only after her death. They included hundreds of disturbed posts on Tumblr, as well as a final video apologising that she couldn’t hold on any longer, and saying just when she would kill herself. “We are now finding out there are kids on her Facebook who actually know her on the Tumblr account,” her father said. “Why are they not getting in touch? If she said she was going to do something on this date they could have told us.”

There’s worse. As well as those who did nothing, there were those who posted comments egging her on.

Before that, there was Hannah Novak’s My Suicide Story (above). She tells how she had no friends because she was abused: “You don’t want to bring a friend to your house… Who has bruises covering her body L. I felt ugly… worthless… forgotten. So a few weeks ago… I tried to kill myself.”

This, at least, has a happy ending. She gets the medical attention and counselling she needs; learns to talk about her problems; makes new friends; and now uses her story to tell other lonely, suicidal teenagers that they are not alone, that suicide is not the answer.

She now has her own YouTube channel, making videos with titles such as You Won’t Ruin My Life, and Message for the Bullies: “160,000 kids miss school a day… because they are afraid of being bullied.”

Many of the videos in the cue-card genre are called “Secrets” or “If You Really knew Me”. One of the most affecting is Cassie’s (above), because of the range of emotion that flits across her face in five short minutes. She flinches as she holds up each card documenting the taunts: “Go cut your wrists some more… Everybody hates you… GO DIE.”

Then the child in her resurfaces: she holds up another card with a big thumbs-up and a huge grin. “No cuts! J” it says, proudly. She’s delighted that she stopped self-harming. For a while.

This story, too, does not end in suicide. It ends with Cassie finding help and support from a loving boyfriend, and she also now runs a YouTube channel offering support and advice under the user-name XcmfhX. “I’m still broken though,” she admits. “I still cry a lot… I still feel worthless… Honestly, I’ll probably feel like this forever. I’ll just get used to it… Eventually. But I try… and that’s what matters.”

And that’s the thing. Depression feels like a deep pit with unscalable walls where no light penetrates. But there are millions more who’ve been in that pit, and got out, and are ready to reach down a hand.

The Police song Message in a Bottle could have been written for these videos. It ends: “Walked out this morning/ Don’t believe what I saw/ A hundred billion bottles/ Washed up on the shore./ Seems I’m not alone at being alone/ A hundred billion castaways looking for a home.”

Despite her own problems, admirably she still gave her time to help others in similar situations to her. She felt indebted to all those who supported her online and tried to convince her to not give up the fight; she indicated in her heartbreaking final blog post, “thank you all for everything you’ve done, without tumblr, I wouldn’t have been able to hold on this long”. It appears with Olivia- just like with some other individuals who commit suicide- this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. In her final post she spoke about how sorry she was to everybody who cared about her and spoke about how this time she would not be unsuccessful in her suicide attempt. Her post didn’t seem to reveal the sporadic thoughts of a severely mentally ill young woman, but rather of a levelheaded individual who had rationalized that this is what she wanted, and she actually expressed the fact that this was her final decision and that she wanted people to respect the fact that this was her choice. I think this is what disturbed me the most. Olivia was clearly mentally ill and she knew it, but she felt like she had reached the stage where she could no longer hold on to her life and experience happiness after years of hospitalization and desperate attempts to hang on. Perhaps if she had only held on for a while longer she might have been able to overcome her problems and begin to live a happy, fruitful life.
I cannot begin to imagine how someone must feel to believe that the only option available is for them to take their own life. Even though there are obviously questions surrounding Olivia’s mental state, the pain she must have gone through on a daily basis to lead her to this end is something that I couldn’t begin to comprehend. Most of us have felt down, depressed or maybe even suicidal at some point in our lives, but to actually go through with taking your own life is something completely different. Our impulse to survive is so strong that it takes a lot of fortitude and self-determination to go through with it.

To experience the hopelessness, the rejection of life, the despair and the subsequent desire to bring about the end of one’s existence is something which, luckily, few of us will ever experience; to actually reach the moment where we make the choice to physically end our lives. I cannot imagine the pain Olivia must have felt in her heart to decide that suicide was her only salvation. We can only hope that others will learn and be saved by her story and that, with help, light can be found at the end of the tunnel and hope can be found in a sea of hopelessness. Bullying can destroy lives; each harmful word or action plants a seed that could one day come to painful fruition. We must work together to educate others about the dangers of bullying in all of it’s forms. Always remember that no matter how alone you feel there are others out there who have gone through the same experiences and are willing to help. We are never alone.

“I will be the stars of the night
I will be the birds in circling flight
I will be the trees blowing in the breeze
I will be a butterfly flying with ease
I will be the summer rain
I will be whatever takes away your pain
I will be the flowers blossoming in spring
I will be in each beautiful thing” – Olivia Penpraze.

‘Although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, the feeling of being beautiful exists solely in the mind of the beheld.’ Martha Beck

And it’s surprising how many people, for one reason or another, do not view themselves as beautiful and therefore do not attach real value to their lives.  Much of this has to do with the media images we are fed on a daily basis, but the reasons are far deeper and more complex.

Have you ever seen someone from afar, who has all the physical attributes that make up beauty, but for some reason when you meet them, they no longer appear beautiful?  Often it’s because of their insecurities about who  they are as a person.

Or maybe you’ve met someone who isn’t a classic beauty, but exudes something that leaves you knowing that they are stunning in their own unique way?

For me, the answer to both of those questions is yes.  I believe strongly that your external beauty is a reflection of your ‘inner beauty’, a subject that is not highlighted enough in the stereotypical media images of today.  If it were, maybe people would start the quest to look for their own unique inner beauty.

And what is inner beauty?  Now, there’s a difficult question.  I think inner beauty exists in every single one of us. I think it has a lot to do with coming to terms with who you are, and having the confidence to love yourself…regardless of your flaws.  I may sound selfish, but I think it’s hard for anyone to love you until you can actually love yourself.

And you can only start loving yourself if you can recognize that you may be far from perfect, but that you’re a good person at heart.  From what I’ve seen this makes you genuinely happier as a person, and somehow that allows a natural inner beauty to shine through.

And like all laws of attraction, people with inner beauty seem to attract like-minded people.

Throughout time, people have sought out those different from themselves, to basically persecute. Whether it’s physical attributes, religion or the multitude of other reasons.  Maybe you can see how big a problem this is when you look at how easily children, and all to often adults, use these ‘differences’ to bully others, whether it’s skin or hair colour; overall looks; braces; weight; mental frame of mind…

I believe that bullying is based on insecurity, the need to make someone feel worse than the ‘bullier’ does inside, to make the ‘bullier’ feel better about themselves.

Yes there are lots of unanswered question when it comes to Olivia’s death and I don’t pertain to know the full facts, except that bullying which led to depression played a part.

I hope you all take the time to look for your own unique inner beauty and encourage everyone around you to look for theirs.    I know it sounds simple, but maybe if we all recognised our own inner beauty, and how it’s reflected in others, then maybe less bullying at all levels would exist in the world today.

Olivia Penpraze R.I.P

Olivia Penpraze – A beautiful young girl who was lost in the prime of her life. She took her life as a result of suffering from psychosis, personal issues, as a result of bullying throughout her life. In real life, and online.

This is the last video she posted online via her Tumblr.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAO5SXcm8xA

Rest in Peace Olivia!!