I must have done something right after all! I’m not convinced I did…anyway I must have done without knowing it.

I’m not a youth-out-of-school for real as I was saying in the previous post. I am at the moment, I made a choice that brought me right here, that is into my present situation. And, anyway anyone can do what he/she wants of his/her life. I had my BA already and MA and so the PhD is a matter of choice. Maybe I simply decided that a BA degree is enough for me and close my student career, after all studying is such a big deal, though this is not my case.

I made a list, yeah the pro-and-con one as I do in every making a decision phase, so typical of me, and…and decided that I would wait for my MA, I’ve lost my time already for so many reasons and a year won’t change anything. To be honest the thought of giving everything up passed to my mind when I got to know that I have to postponed before starting my MA studies, then I’ve realized discussing my thesis that it’s all I wanted and decided that very day to apply for the same MA degree that I had to give up. Am I afraid? Of course I am, I am of waiting, a year is long, in a year tons of things can happen, in year I could decide that I’m not to it anymore…yet, I went for it. I didn’t know then what it’d be like from that day to a year, and I’m still ignoring it, but I have to give a try. Alas, this is another crossroad in my life, but I’m ready to give a try, I mean why not, this university seems to be the perfect one, what’s more there’s the perfect program, the one I’ve dreamed of…and I have surely to give it a try, to give myself that chance…

So I enrolled, and spent some weeks (this second time has been shorter that the first one!) to receive their decision, which was positive. Nevertheless, it gave me lots of concerns, because according to the letter my admission is under some conditions, and there are so many things I couldn’t figure out then. Fortunately, I figure out things and went on applying for the first document I would need for the student visa…and yeah I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT, because I received their decision that is once more positive, soooo, now I can apply for the visa crossing my fingers once more for a positive end. This seems really great, and I’m afraid to wake up and realize that I’m only dreaming, so far I’m on, on a train to my future to be, feeling overwhelmed with happiness and frightened at the same time…

Anyhow, I think that this green light is a really great advance Christmas present, and about Christmas, look at heir nice stamp in the letter envelope*:

(*) click to enlarge image

trouble in the bushes.

“I’ll go there quickly to make a movie and come back to Skopie”. This was my plan before I went to Struga on a documentary project. The truth was different. After I came I started to have a bad feeling about the whole situation. Divided into groups, all the time brainstorming. Dreams as a theme of our film confused me. The weather was like it is in a village in Ireland -  raining all day. The jar of  my feeling was full of strange colored water. But after a few days something swithed in my mind. The jar started to be filled with new liquid.

Working with a team is usually hard for me. But a few hours with people who are focussed on the same stuff – shoothing videos and editing, gives almost unlimited energy. Tiredness is just one state in the process of making a film. Moods change like sine wave. Once you are happy with ideas and results but next moment you’re stuck for four hours because the editing program is not working. You need to keep saying to yourselves “it’s good work, it’s not so bad, it will be super film” to not feel demotivated. The final result is always suprising. From nothing you get a material thing – film. And it’s not so important what is inside the movie. What’s important is the feeling of exitment when you say to a group member “we finished our work, we have a film”. The positivity of everything around starts to grow.

But not only this changed the color of liquid in my jar. Ohrid lake spread its unique energy of silence and concentration, happiness and meditation. Feeling which was hidden inside me started to go out from my body. Charging energy of body and brain by the sun in the morning and walking on the coast in evening. The liquid started to be almost transparent, you can almost see inside your soul. Everything is balanced.

After changing my enviroment to Skopie, I’m scared to lose those thoughts. I am trying to drink water from the jar really slowly to keep as long as possible the positive feelings which I gained at Ohrid lake

Rain, which has been steadily washing streets of Kavadarci since early morning, decided to take a rest for a few hours. Water vapor rises from streets of the Macedonian wine capital and creates thick fog, which, together with falling twilight, conceals the identities of scarce passersby.

Kavadarci park is just wonderful. Lampposts by carefully laid walking paths refuse to light and the only colour that can be seen is fading yellow of autumn leaves. It’s all quiet as I go up the hill in what has probably been a botanic garden at some time. Locals probably see no pleasure in walking here in this wet weather, so I meet nobody on my way up, except for monuments of Macedonian guerillas.

On the top I can sit for a while and rest my head from noises of busy Skopje. City lights and random lizards are my only companions. Silence is incredible, the kind that you can only experience in small cities.

Kavadarci has about 30-40 thousand inhabitants. Any person of common sense leaves this city (it is evidently a town, but I’ll call it that way, Kavadarci deserves that) after finishing school. And why wouldn’t they, when there’s Skopje and Sofia and Belgrade?.. So, the city folk seem to comprise only from children, teenagers, their parents and grandparents. On Friday night, underage public rules the town, hanging around in parks and in front of provincial night clubs. People over 18 are not of abundance in the crowds.

The city is famous for its huge winery as well as tobacco and ferro-nickel industries. I think I know what it’s like to grow up here. I come from a similar city. Artificially inflated in soviet times, made into an industrial hub for wine and fridges, it all fell down after regaining independence. I loved it, its parks and silent streets at night, its inner aggression and dissent, its subculture, the feeling of being somewhat special in my own small city. I left it for Vilnius after finishing school and so did most of my friends. Those, who didn’t, will do it. I feel pity for those who won’t, as I see them struggling to find a job, taking up alcohol and drugs, regressing and killing themselves slowly every other day…

Real Lithuania is not Vilnius as well as real Macedonia is not Skopje. Small cities all over the land make the country what it is. These small cities and their inhabitants have their own culture, which is neglected every day. They’re provincial and abandoned, but still, they keep on passing the days, keep on moving to some direction, usually straight to the abyss, but they’re still moving. Strong and unpretentious, they will be a foundation of every nation till all human civilization goes bust.

Above the winding road to Struga; stars appear to seesaw in the dark. The moon comes tumbling after, as if it were tied to a piece of string. Passengers sleep in the dim interior of the coach.

The same road by day, in driving rain. Ascending into cloud that hung on the mountains like gossamer. Fresh rain like a great dew on the landscape. Grey fog on autumn boughs. Rock and wood.

Blue sky promenade by the great lake. A yellow volkswagon from Ohrid (a dusty red bus in Skopje). She’s looking at me with what I’m sure is affection. I confess my complete lack of direction. Remarks on my silence.

Some things never change. Like some theatre where only the backdrop is rearranged. Characters act familiar stories and utter lines I’ve heard before. Alcohol distorts the politics of our night – dictates approaches made to strangers, like cold callers naive to the dancefloor protocol. I get distracted by chemistry and energy as we play second guess the sexes.

Two days ago, with my roommates, we went to Thessaloniki for the week end.  Here we are, Friday evening, waiting for the train, 30 minutes late. This is not a surprise, actually, we expected worst, but there is one thing that we didn’t expected. As the train was (finally) coming, dozens of people started to go on the railway, and stand in the middle of the railway, to get to the train faster, and get the best places, which are, actually, the seats. The train, and after a few fights, we got in, and sat ! But this was the last strange thing of the trip, concerning trains. After two days in Thessaloniki, we thought about buy our way-back tickets, for the day after. We call the train’s company, and hear that “It is impossible to book a train ticket one day before, we have to do it the day we want to travel”. Well, let’s go tomorrow morning, and book our tickets… we didn’t expect that “It is impossible to book a ticket now, you have to wait one hour before the train leaves” … Well, these people are strange, and the worst, I think, was to see that we could use this tickets during 2 months, after the day we bought it … well, it looks like this is not the end of surprises !

So, after a good number of provocations and even a prophecy, here is my blog…. I aim to share some of what God lays on my heart, for the encouragement and edification of the people of God. This may come in the way of provocations and prophecies too, though: so read with your heart and mind open to God, and give Him glory for anything good, and give me grace for anything not good!!!

a little steeps creation

Greenwich Park, London 2006

in my mind.

London 2006

hometown glory!

Lodz, Poland

I would like to show you one of my summer-impressions. I was several times in Hanover this year, visiting my dear friend Birgitta. At the main station there is a nice yarn shop and a fantastic biscuit shop… and together we explored the town enspecially the Herrenhaeuser Gardens and the nearby Berggarten.

The first time was a bit early, in between the Spring and Summer Flowers. The third time I took Arne with me. Together with Birgitta and her husband we strolled thorugh the city, enjoyed a fantsatic view from the town hall tower, feasted at a very good Chinese restaurant and in the evening visited the illumination in the Herrenhaeuser Gardens. What a great day!

Of course there were also a second time And from this time I will show you some expressions:

Eh, sorry guys et gals, no par-tay! But there are some book recommendations on the way, I’m almost done, just one more book and it’s set and done.
And the day after tomorrow is Friday! So, I have more time to finish those drafts
Oh, and I finally got my Aïda DVD! Hehe, it’s the DVD of my school musical, I’m going to do it again this year

Nighty night,
xoxo

Billy Boy on Poison – On My Way

Well we went looking for our house – and guess what we found it! Somewhere on the Hume….

They leave for their new home at 1:30am. Thanks guys, you’re doing a great job!

Front Door of the House....