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Self-Love

chrysantha — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:57:18 +0000

I finally chose my theme for 2010 – this coming year, it will be “SELF-LOVE”…

I feel that it encompasses many issues I would like to tackle to continue my personal growth and development. I’ve definitely achieved 2009’s goal of “FORWARD MOVEMENT” to the best of my ability and now it is quite fitting to progress forward with “self-love”.

Self-love is the instrument of our preservation.
— Voltaire

I am a caregiver at heart, as most women are. Whether we wear the label of mother, wife, sister, nurse, teacher, friend, or counselor, many of us naturally tend to put the needs of other before ourselves. Although we innately feel happiness and do not regret our actions to help and give to others we often forget to replenish ourselves often times leaving us drained with or without our knowledge. For years I have followed this pattern of giving without expecting often leaving me empty or drained. With my very busy schedule, I often found it hard to to find time to re-energize partially or completely. In giving to others and not giving to youself you will eventually run dry and lack the energy to continue to Love and Give to others. In loving yourself, you will also feel better about yourself; therefore feeling better about the world which will ultimately be of greater benefit for those you encounter in your life. Learning to love yourself will be the Greatest Love you can ever experience… and it isn’t until you truly LOVE YOURSELF that you can properly Love someone else and also BE Loved. Loving yourself not only means valuing You, but also straightening priorities in your life necessary for living happily such as taking care of financial responsibilities, maintaining physical and emotional health, achieving education goals, expanding your career, and nurturing your creative and artistic soul. Embodying self-love is the greatest example you can set for your loved-ones. This year, I am taking my own advice and will foster “self-love”…

Do things with Intention

chrysantha — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:04:44 +0000

All that I did,” she said, “everything I tried to do. All for nothing.” Nothing is done entirely for nothing, said the fox of dreams. Nothing is wasted. You are older, and you have made decisions, and you are not the fox you were yesterday. Take what you have learned, and move on.

Neil Gaiman (The Sandman, The Dream Hunters)

The number one complaint I often hear from friends when advising them on break ups is around the thought of “I did it all for nothing” or “I gave him/her my all and now I he/she takes it and I have nothing in return…”

It is easy to be angry about losing someone you love, specially when they choose to walk away from you, or you have to make that very difficult decision of walking away from them when you have invested so much. Often times, we forget that the quality of a relationship supersedes the quantity of years spent and what we have invested. I know, I’ve been there before.

This I say to you…

If you really love someone, you do things out of the kindness of your heart. For whatever reason it was that inspired you to sacrifice or give to this person, it should have been done out of true kindness. Our actions should not expect something in return if our original intention was sincere. Our actions should not be held over someone’s head or it means that we expected something and therefore we were motivated by ill-intention. Out of Love, we want to see one another succeed that’s why we worked so diligently to help those who needed us. If you are feeling spiteful about helping someone who left you and now you feel empty, you may need to look within yourself to see the root of the problem… perhaps you have to concentrate on loving yourself first so that you don’t feel that emptiness within.

Often times, we also forget that not everyone gives the same way that we do so you have to remember to not expect the same level but instead appreciate what he/she is capable of giving. When we learn to accept the different capacities people have, we leave less room for disappointment and more room for happiness.

This is my rant for today… Have a Blessed Day.

#39 on "The List"

chrysantha — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:59:17 +0000

Yes, I have a LIST… and you should have one too… I added this on on October 15, 2007.

"So Thankful 2009" - a year of Thank You's The PhotoBlog

chrysantha — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:37:07 +0000

A year ago today, I can vividly remember exactly what I was doing and who I was with and the situation that I was in… and believe me at that moment I could not even fathom where I would be one year later. I was in such a bad predicament, that I don’t even think I could look as far as three days or a week. This year’s Thanksgiving is very special… I am at a place in my life of contentedness and fulfillment that I have not felt for a while and everything in my life makes ridiculous sense! I am so thankful for many things but these 20 people and memories were vital to this year’s survival… I never stood alone and had all of you right beside me every single step of the way in Faith and Friendship.

Before you start reading, please click the PLAY Button… Some of you might not care for this song, but I’ve always loved it… this song came up on shuffle while I was writing this and it brought to the forefront of my mind, that although this is a love song… I really do feel this way for every single one of you…I know that you will always be there for me as you have been… and I know that regardless of what happens, YOU KNOW MY INTENTIONS and YOU KNOW that I will never fail you… You know that I will be here for you at a drop of a dime…I wish I could hold onto all of you forever even if we all intertwine in each other’s lives for a certain purpose or a moment in time… but I must thank you all for fulfilling my life in more ways than I could ever imagine… [if you are reading this on Facebook, please click on this link chrysantha.wordpress.com]

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don’t worry ’cause
Everything’s going to be alright
When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

1. I am so thankful for the unconditional LOVE of my family. My soul and foundation. Without them I am nothing. I am thankful that my Mother, continues to be the ROCK of my Family. I am thankful for her strength and LOVE for every single one of us… She truly is the Individual who holds my entire family together. It is her everyday struggle to ensure that we are all taken care of. [Photo taken on Grandma's 98th Bday - The de Peralta Women L2R Ophelia, Cornelia, Grandma, Mildred, Archelita]

2. I am thankful that after all of our hard work, the Family Business, that Grandpa would be so very proud of is up and running.

3. Monica, I am so thankful for your unconditional love and support from DAY ONE! And no joke, because you walked in a time of my life that was not so pretty, and you stood by me every single tear of the way to see me smile and hear me laugh every night before we go to bed! You understand me and know how I feel or find the words for thoughts that I have not even thought of yet! Thank you for loving my brother unconditionally… you do not know how much that means to me… And thank you for always looking out for my family too! [Photo taken on one of our first Azul Dates, when I first moved back! remember the guy that kept pestering us if 'someone is in the bathroom?' lol]

4. Pinsan Ashlee, I am so thankful for your love, understanding, and laughter! I don’t know how I would have come out of the last three years and specifically the last Fall and Spring without you. Although we no longer talk everyday, know that you always have a special place in my heart. You are my soul’s constant gardener. [Photo Taken - January - Other than the fact that the first photo is with you in front of my FAVOURITE theatre in the world, this day is my favorite memory of you, of Us... Our drive through Tilden listening to Marley... You've brought so much soul to my Life that is irreplaceable... and we ended it with MANPUKU - what a perfect day! ]

5. Teri Anne, I am so thankful that after 12 years we are still best of friends. I am thankful that you were able to come visit this year and I had the fortune to finally meet Jaden. You are one of the strongest women I know, I continue to look up to you and draw strength from your daily courage. [Photo: Taken April 9th - Teri, Jaden, Auntie Faye - and LOL to you taking the photo with me pushing the stroller... yeah, the one and only 'Mommy-like' photo of me EVER!]

6. After almost 10 years, I thank God for finally bringing Nahwal and I together. We began this summer sitting at Ocean Beach sharing our stories of heartache. Within a month, with each other’s love, support, and “tell-it-like-it-is” attitude, we haven’t looked back ever since. This summer would have been incomplete without you! I have so many favorite memories of us, but I must share with you that the night (8/15) we fell asleep in the car in East Oakland and woke up on the 16th of August… I needed that Nahwal, more than you probably ever knew… you allowed me to wake up that morning at the Lake… my soul needed that to heal some hurt I still carried with me… and I love you for allowing me to.. then to top that day off.. Ghostface/Meth/Red… =) ‘Like this Like this’… [Photos taken on our #1 Happiest Ocean Beach day ever, #2 on 8/16 Oakland, and #2 on 8/16 Minna - Meth/Red/Ghostface concert to celebrate your entrance to RT school]

7. I am thankful that my Grandmother celebrated her 98th Birthday this year! Grandma we love you! [photo taken on her 98th Birthday L2R: Brother, Grandma, Me]

8. Makai, you are my BROTHER. Words cannot explain the love I have for you. You appreciate, encourage, and unconditionally love me for everything that I am and everything that I am not. We are going on three years and I am so thankful you are in my life. This year, I also thank you for introducing me to Jen! [Photo taken at Meesh & B's wedding - YOU MAKE THE PERFECT WEDDING DATE!]

9. Miss JennyLowLow, I am so thankful that you entered my life this year. Thank you for being genuine, understanding, loving, and strong. Thank you for allowing me in your life when your Dad was ill and sharing in in his memory. I know that everyday he looks down on you and is so proud of the Woman you have become – as I am proud of you… I am thankful for our L.A. roadtrip which put life in so much perspective for me. I love you and I cannot wait to see what the rest of the year has in store for us. [1st Photo taken the night we met at the Beat Battle & I am so thankful that we did ... in so many ways you are the sister I never had! 2nd Photo from our beloved LA trip.]

10. Mochi, I thank you for your unconditional love. We went through so much these last few years but you were always there to make me smile and show me love. You have accepted me even when I was being down right retarded with the choices I was making with my life. I could do no wrong in your eyes… I think you always knew I’d wake up and eventually fix my mistakes. I love you and I hope you love your new home my Lil’ Mama! [Photo Taken this past September]

11. I met you when I was 18! wow… and Vikki, after all this years, I am so glad that you are still in my life, and if anything we have become so much closer. I am so happy that you are happy! You deserve the BEST in this world! Also, thank you for introducing me to one of my favorite memories of this year, our camping trips… all because of Lucas! The both of you have brought so much LAUGHTER in my Life and thank you for letting me FEED YOU and your Families! Thank You to the both of you for two priceless memories this year!!! [Photos taken on our first Bodega Bay trip of the Year!]

12. I am Thankful for reaching another year in Remission after last summer’s scare and for reminding me not to take my health forgranted! I am thankful that everyday I see the blue of the sky and every night I am able to enjoy the twinkle of the stars. I am thankful that my toes can sink in the grain of sand and feel the cool of the ocean water on my skin. I am thankful that I am alive and full of love FOR and love FROM so many people. Lastly I am thankful for my friend, Halline who spent my remission day with me with two of my favorite things Japanese Food (Manpuku) and Baseball. You have to know how happy and difficult it is for me everytime 9/11 comes around every year… thank you for sharing it with me.

13. I am thankful for Tomas Alvarez walking into my life… It is very rare that I am blessed with people as soulful, aware, full of love, and purposeful intention. In only a few months you have helped me find the balance I’ve been lacking in my nursing career by giving me a positive outlet to share my Light. Thank you for also recognizing and acknowledging the Little Things that you do… and I cannot be more grateful to all of the beautiful people that have entered my life because of you! [Photo #1 taken at BRL Anniv Party @ Club 6 / Photo #2 taken at Lake County, BRL Retreat *John's face looks like that because while we are waiting for the timer to go off, I didn't know that I was crushing his already injured finger with my feet, but he stayed silent like a trooper! LOL* / Photo #3 taken at the Cultural Comptency Summit at Hyatt on 11/17]

14. I am thankful that the stars brought me and Jaseon together… another Soul Survivor who truly understands what it means to be One. Jaseon you remind me that I am not alone =) [Photo taken at Doin' it at the Park with our dope ass matching Fedoras!]

15. One of my favorite memories this year was celebrating Spring with Ashlee and “My Ladies“… Thankful for opening the Spring season of newness in Oakland with Pinsan. [Photo taken in Ashlee's Oakland Hill's home during Sunset, March 20th - Vernal Equinox]

16. Thankful for my wonderful birthday in Hawaii this year. One of my favorite memories of this year was jumping of the Waimea rock. Such a great experience… all of that adrenaline rushing through your body… fear, excitement, happiness all at once… You remember how ALIVE you are… and at the end you feel nothing but AMAZING!

17. I am thankful for my FreedomBirds, my one and only chosen tattoo for this year that I share with Pinsan and will forever connect us =) … and the day I made them I aimed you: “I AM FREE, SO ARE YOU and WITHOUT WORDS the Birds symbolize our goals and Forward Movement and Freedom FROM EXPECTATIONS”. [Photo taken @ Ricky's Tattoo on March 15, 2009; Alameda]

18. I am thankful for Oakland. You loved me in more ways than one this past year in my happiness, solitude, and in my despair. You gave me a breeze when I could not catch my breath, you showered my winter nights with beautiful stars and warm air so that I could sleep in the comfort of the outdoors, you introduced me to the most caring strangers who reached out to help me when I could not help myself, you gave me the Lake to vent hours of thoughts, and you showed me the beauty of diverse people who unite time and time again striving to create a better community through music, art, and social justice. Oakland you held yourself up despite so much adversity this past year and I am proud. [Photo #1 - A walk around Lake Meritt as the people began to gather at the courthouse in the wake of the Oscar Grant murder January 21. Photo #2 Oscar Grant Rally through the streets of Oakland January 23]

19. Bear, Bear, Bear… we have come a long way from endless talks on my couch to drunken messed up nights and bitching about our exes… =0) I am so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. I am so thankful for you Bear, probably more than anyone when I was in my horrible state last year… It was crazy… and you stood by me… with no criticsm only encouragement. You NEVER LET ME FALL and you held me up every single step of the way… You are irreplaceable in my life… i truly miss our Dim Sum Sundays…! [photo taken at Manpuku... one of my favorite nights with you... I love watching you eat!]

20. I am so very thankful for my beautiful home. My family rests their hearts in a comfortable, gorgeous, peace inspiring house that we all deserve after a very difficult two years. We were brought here as a family for a special reason…

21. 2 +1 = 3 … and Three, that’s my favorite number… We have an undeniable connection that even though we are at compete opposite edges of this country we manage to maintain a friendship like no other.. You and I are two very unique individuals and it has definitely been influenced to the way we were raised… There is NO ONE ELSE IN MY LIFE that can share the experience of growing up by the sea… Germaine, I appreciate all of your LOVE for me… you tap into my soul like no other. Like I’ve said before, I could only be so fortunate to find a man like you on my side of country… Happy Thanksgiving…

22. Peeda… I am thankful for you because there is NO ONE ELSE that I KNOW that will GIVE AS MUCH as you do right from the get… I know that your friendship is unique in deed… You also entered my life at the beginning of the storm, and I was practically a stranger, but you reached your hand out and helped me without me ever asking… I am thankful that you are in my life you are a genuine friend.. and have always kept it real with me…

23. I am thankful, for exactly a year ago, I woke up from a three year coma — I finally chose ME and left him. Although it was a struggle here and there to finally rid myself of this disease an unhealthy addiction, it was a year ago that I finally took the initial steps so that I could stand up against the past and move onto a better future. And I have never been happier and more content in my life. But I am not angry, for you taught me what Love means and what it DOESN’T mean. Through our relationship I saw the TRUE me… I saw the amazing things I failed to see about myself for so many years… You challenged me more than anyone ever has and through all of the hardship you caused, I rose from the depths of my despair and pain and blossomed into a person I could have never imagined myself to be. I am STRONGER, WISER, and more APPRECIATIVE of the people around me because when I was with you I LOST SIGHT of SO MANY THINGS… specially ME. I will never ever forget to LOVE ME FIRST ever again, and I thank you for teaching me that lesson. Today I celebrate a year of being FREE.

"So Thankful 2009" - a year of Thank You's The PhotoBlog

chrysantha — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:23:44 +0000

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don’t worry ’cause
Everything’s going to be alright
When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

2. I am thankful that after all of our hard work, the Family Business, that Grandpa would be so very proud of is up and running.

7. I am thankful that my Grandmother celebrated her 98th Birthday this year! Grandma we love you! [photo taken on her 98th Birthday L2R: Brother, Grandma, Me]

When the Shoe fits...

chrysantha — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:25:07 +0000

I was inspired to write this little piece after giving two of my friends advice today… It just flowed freely from my lips… I took a step back and realized how much it made sense…

Love and/or Relationships often mimick The Shoe that you really really really want, but it just doesn’t fit. Rather than buying your size, you buy 1/2 a size up or below. You figure that after using it a few times you can wear it out so that it can finally be comfortable. You buy insoles or any other accessory to help the fit. In time you realize that the shoe still hurts regardless of some of your interventions. Eventually you know that the only time you can wear it out is if you can either get drunk enough to not feel the pain but the following morning when you sober up, you know you are going to pay for it! Another is being in a situation where you can wear them out but know that you will have the opportunity to sit down for most of the time and not have to stand up. Unfortunately, the problem with this is you feel “caged” in your shoes since you can’t get up and dance or socialize as much as you would like. Eventually these shoes just end up in your shelf, but not at the back because you love looking at them but you know that it’s just too painful to wear them.

When Love is Right, the fit will be perfect, comfortable, and freeing.

No Ordinary Love...

chrysantha — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:16:45 +0000

Every Every Moment That I’m Awake
Every Every Hour Of Everyday
My Lover You Take My Breath Away

In Yours Arms Im Safe, Secure
Every Care Around Me Melts Away
When You Hold Me I Forget Every Word
That I Wanted To Say
Im Freely Lost In Your Love
Their’s No One Else For Me
I Surrender Completely

Ooh Ooh My Hearts Racing
Im Shakin Caught Up In The
Love Were Makin
This Is No This Is No
Ordinary Love
Your Skin On My Skin
Its So Good I Feel Like Cryin‘
This Is No
This Is No Ordinary

I Don’t Ever Wanna
Say Goodbye
I Could Never Breathe
Those Words Alive
Baby Your My Reason Why
I Believe There’s Meaning
In My life
I Have Faith In Love
Faith In Us
And Faith That This Is Right
I Surrender
Forever Tonight

Extraordinary
More Than Special
Every Minute Were Together
More Than Love More Than Enough
I’m Never Leaving Never
Every Second Every Minute
Love And I Have Fallen In It
With U And Only
Ordinary Just For The Two

When he/she moves like a Crook... follow your INSTINCTS!

chrysantha — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:29:59 +0000

“The TRUTH will always set you free… removing assumptions, bringing you to reality, eliminating all denial that you’ve carried in your heart, and reiterating that human instinct is powerful – your innate sixth sense… and when you find TRUTH take that gift and move forward to a positive direction…” – Chrysantha

“Good dude – I know you love me like cooked food
Even though a nigga gotta move like a crook move…”
-Jay Z, Song Cry

I’ve met a few and also far too many “crooks” in my lifetime, but not the kind of robs you of money or possesions, but the CROOK WHO STEALS YOUR HEART. I met my ultimate crook, in my most recent relationship and as much as I want to hate him I can’t because he taught me valuable lessons in how to identify a “shady” ill-intentioned man from far away. When giving my girlfriends advice or even identifying situations I am in, I seemed to have coined this term, “he moves like a crook” which often refers back to the ultimate crook in my life – my ex. I observed him lie to everyone around him, his BM, his family, his friends, and me. I watched him be attentive to his phone, but barely text me back in a timely manner when we were not together. I listened to him switch his mood and suddenly become irritated and angry when making excuses to not see his son when his BM was on the phone. I watched him twist the truth to make someone else feel like they were wrong when they were really right. I observed him “tell on himself” when he was cheating on me behind my back. I’ve dropped him off at his BM’s house time and time again to see his son, when he was really being picked up by someone else a minute after I left. I picked up on his sudden switches of mood and began to recognize those as moments where whoever he was cheating on me with was giving him a hard time for not answering their calls or flaking on their plans. I’ve observed him turn off his phone for the rest of the night and he would in turn do that to me when he was not home. I’ve heard him call every woman on his jock a “psycho stalker” when in fact he is the one pursuing them and they knew nothing about me, and the ones who did were told that I was the “psycho ex”.

There are a lot of warning signs we deny ourselves when we are in a unstable relationship where boundaries have not been set or a title has not been established. I’ve never been big on titles, but the advantage of having one means that you and your person are on the same page and have loving intentions for one another. It creates necessary boundaries needed in a relationship to foster TRUST. It says to the world, “I am committed to this person, our relationship, and our life together.”

There is nothing worse than knowing that someone you care about is lying to you or keeping something from you but you JUST CAN’T PINPOINT IT. There’s that horrible feeling in your gut – when your heart sinks to your stomach when you try to catch your breath. It’s even worse when you know the Truth but you deny it because the thought of losing that person is too unimaginable. The Truth is in your face, but your distort reality with assumptions and what if’s to convince yourself to stay.

“It was only a matter of time that the lying, manipulation, cheating, disrespecting and bipolarism came out.. but by then it was too late.. I already felt invested and I was in the game. I think that’s part of the technique, they pull you in and then make you crazy by confusing you with blows to the left and right… to the point where you can no longer make your own decisions and the very foundation of values that you built for yourself is long forgotten out of the desperation of making things work.”

So we deny our instincts to protect our hearts and keep our ego from being hurt; but why? Our instinct is a natural gift that ensures our survival. And although Love won’t kill you, per se, Love does have the ability to make you crazy and forget your goals, the very goals that help you move forward in your life. Instincts contribute to self-preservation in all aspects of our selves. Time and time again, hindsight shows us that our instincts have already told us what our minds were still trying to figure out. Instinct is an extrasensory perception of reality; and often times, because it is not tangible we continue to deny what our gut tells us. We often place ourselves on the road to disaster when we deny our hunches – when we do not listen to the dialogue beneath the dialogue.

Looking back, you realize that everything would have explained itself if you had only stopped interrupting.

-Jason Chen

My friend Jason, posted this quote on his Facebook wall this morning and it is so fitting to what I am writing today. We continuously interrupt our instincts because facing the truth is too difficult specially if the outcome is undesirable. Like I said earlier, our hunches have already figured out what our mind is still trying to work out… and perhaps our biggest enemy is our hearts! We tend to follow our hearts versus what time-tested lessons we already carry in our minds are telling us. Believe me when I say that I am not preaching, I have also been victim to my own instinctual ignorance! Time and time again, I would have saved myself from unnecessary heartache or drama if Ihad just listened to what my istincts were telling me. I have learned my lesson and I will never abandon and ignore them ever again!

Is your partner a crook? If so, let him or her go! Trust.

Accepting Challenges

chrysantha — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:20:07 +0000

I woke up a little earlier than everyone else this morning at the retreat… I kept thinking about this quote and decided to open up my GIMP and create an image-bed for it.

“Challenges are what makes life interesting overcoming them is what makes life meaningful”

Challenges make life MEANINGFUL. As difficult our situations may be at times, we are always afforded the opportunity to initiate change. When faced with challenges, we do not fall, instead we find a new way to stand. I am only 29, but I have had my fair share of challenges… and I know that – We all have.

Perhaps one of the reasons this quote stuck in my mind, was because this weekend was my first retreat with BRL. I see myself as blessed to have been invited to join this wonderful organization. BRL recognizes Hip-Hop as a positive medium to help engage teens and young adults to address their personal issues through therapeutic concepts such as narrative therapy, behavioral therapy, and music therapy. The youth are able to reflect upon and examine personal life struggles and experiences through the music that they create. This medium encourages self-awareness and individual responsibility to facilitate personal growth, behavioral and attitudinal change by self-expression through an art form that these youth are familiar with, Hip Hop.

During this retreat I came to know about BRL’s evolution, from concept to conception. I now appreciate this organization even more after learning about the struggle that they have overcome in these short few years to all that they’ve achieved currently… and this is ONLY the beginning… THIS WORK is NOT EASY and the dedication and commitment that it entails does not always have the most desirable outcomes, but WHAT DOES MATTER is the sense of purpose and fulfillment that no other occupation can create. Service-oriented work is not for everyone, and for those that are dedicated to helping others create personal happiness and security it is most satisfying.

Being a part of BRL now satisfies something I miss most about working at my last job and that is being around young adults. Other than nursing skills, working at Children’s Hospital also entailed creating a safe environment, nurturing personal development, health promotion and maintenance, and identifying emotional disturbances in the urban population of Bay Area’s youth. More than often, our non-compliant patients were young teens that either did not care about their illness or lacked the educational, financial, parental, and social support to maintain their health. More than often, therapeutic intervention with this specific population was very difficult. One way that always seemed to work for me was to create familiarity and break the ice through talking about music. When my patient usually realized that I also listened to the same music they did, the doors of respect and trust begin to open… they’re eyes widen and a little smile cracks… and maybe for that moment they feel like someone “in a uniform” might just understand. We all just want to be heard out, understood, accepted, and validated…

Surviving my First Saturn's Return

chrysantha — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:46:37 +0000

On a rainy morning after work, about a year and a half ago, Ashlee took me to breakfast. Life was very difficult for me at that time, and little did I know then that it was about to get much harder. I was living in San Francisco and tirelessly looking for a new apartment so that I could get away from my horrible living situation with the ex roommate who would eventually set me up and rob me after I took him into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I was in a very negative relationship with someone who was sucking the life out of me. I was very unhappy with the dream job that I thought I had wanted all of those years in nursing school. I had lost my grandfather who I was very close to and symbolized my family’s link to the past and present and held us all together. Lastly, I was far away and very detached from my family, the people who matter the most, in more ways than one. I vividly remember sitting in the passenger seat of her car crying my eyes out and staring at this beautiful piece of drift wood that sat on the dash of her truck, when she explained to me the theory of Saturn’s Return. Once I arrived home, I researched the term and came across what seemed to be a great explanation of EXACTLY what I was going through without me even knowing it. I was fascinated with this theory and had always wondered how true it would be for me. It was only 2007 at that time and I knew I had three more years until I turned 30. I thought to myself, Wow, it’s still a long way to go! I found solace in this theory; knowing that I was not alone and that there was some sort of explanation for what I was going through allowed me to “own” my situation and accept whatever else would come my way although I was terrified at what else could possibly happen…

Saturn’s return marks the major opportunity for each of us to grow into our adulthood and solidify our definition of and relationship to maturity. Every 29 years, Saturn completes a circle around the Zodiac. When we are at the ages of 27 and 29, Saturn returns to the same place in the skies when we were born. Astrologically, Saturn symbolizes “the demanding teacher who presents you with obstacles and challenges so you can gain strength and wisdom. Saturn’s position in your birth chart reveals your major life lessons, as well as the fears you have to overcome to achieve success.”

Fear became a common theme these past two years. When everything that you’ve built is crumbling beneath you whether or not it is directly your fault, when relationships that you’ve built with people mimic the falling of dominoes – one after another, when people you loved disappoint you and you have to make the difficult choice of letting go, when the career of your choice becomes unfulfilling, when the people you’ve given so much to at the end become people who never deserved your time, when even though you are trying your hardest to keep afloat and be positive LIFE just continues to drown you with unpredictable often times uncontrollable situations… when on the daily, all that you can say to yourself is enough is enough.

An essence of Saturn’s return is about converting your fears into commitments. Saturn reminds us of the consequences of all of our choices. What manifests out of each situation, whether based in good judgment or poor, they were still choices with consequences that we will have to learn from and accept. Often times our lack of judgment stems from various fears. For example, if you are afraid of the lack of security in this world, then it is time to commit to making yourself secure, whether that means changing your job, ending bad relationships, and taking the steps to the healthiest you.

For me, this cycle represented a time in my life that was most confusing, frustrating, sad, angry, and painful. Every morning I woke up with the feeling that my back was against the wall without options to get myself out of undesirable situations. I was constantly looking inward and reflecting on my destiny. I questioned the foundations of everything I had built for the last 26 years, not understanding why I was not happy and content. I was in my late twenties, not married, without children, everything I worked for was earned solely by me, I completed nursing school and had a wonderful job … but at the end of the day I laid my head on my pillow and I felt incomplete.

What role did I want to play in this life? Was the life I was living, the life that wanted to live in me? Why do I feel so unfulfilled? My Saturn’s Return became my own quest for the Holy Grail. I felt alone inside out of my own personal confusion and often complained about being lonesome but I was concomitantly alienating myself from people when I needed to consolidate myself. I am sure many in my life thought that I was shutting them out, but it is necessary and healthy or all of us to retreat from the world at times to focus on ourselves at the most fundamental level.

We all know that growth is accompanied with turmoil and trepidation. It is a time to revise worn out patterns as reality strips away all illusion and points out our limitations often times in the most unflattering light. We slowly push aside our old self in order to make room for the newness our life has to offer. I found that the most difficult thing for me the past two years was the battle between discarding everything that connected me with my past while frantically clinging to the familiar rather than opening my doors to the great unknown; which was my future. But I knew that deep inside, the healthiest thing for me was to rid myself of anything or anyone that I’ve outgrown or have tolerated all of this time but was quite unsatisfying for me. I realized it was time to end old patterns and relationships to meet my emerging and future needs. It was time for me to “prune my rose garden” of everything that is or was no longer relevant to me as a human being.

When you look back on your life, there are moments that I am sure you can pinpoint where life as you knew it instantaneously changed forever. My first Saturn’s Return will forever be a critical turning point in my life. I had to take on the greatest responsibility of all: the responsibility for my own life. Now, I’ve taken care of myself and have been independent for years prior, but this was a different kind of responsibility which involved survival in all aspects of my life… from health, finances, to relationships.

Now, for the first time in the last 3 years, my internal structure is at peace and matches my external world that is also finally in order. I may not be exactly where I want to right now, but I am grateful that I have a plan that I am happy about and sure of. There has been a common theme that has been bombarding me everywhere I go. For the last 2 months, I have seen the concept of DO WHAT YOU LOVE AND LOVE WHAT YOU DO everywhere! Just the other day a commercial on television while watching college football, used the exact phrase. Yesterday at Church, the quote of the day was from Mother Teresa, “It is not what you do, it’s how much love you put in the doing.” Then at Jamba Juice, I opened a book and the page I landed on once again told me to “do what I love and love what I do.” Don’t get me wrong, my occupation was not the primary contributing factor to the unhappiness I was experiencing, but it was a big part of it. Work encompassed 70% of my life. I was forced to turn down many opportunities because of my commitment to my hospital. It wasn’t the clinical work that got to me, it was the fact that in focusing on everyone else in my job, I forgot about me. I did not have time to work out and gained weight, I would be so tired in the mornings that I would knock out before walking my dog which twice resulted in a UTI for her, I was in two rear-ending accidents because I fell asleep during my commute home… I could go on and on. My job plainly was not a positive element in my life.

In terms of relationships, I have definitely matured. I have a firmer grasp of the kind of man I want to be with. Which relationships work and which do not, regardless of how attracted I am to that type. I’ve learned to discriminate regardless of how drawn I am to someone. I’ve learned the importance of equally having my needs met, necessary boundaries, fairness and equality, realistic expectations, doing less and allowing the other person to do for me, and the importance of not settling or making excuses for someone else.

So last night, I decided to look at my Susan Miller horoscope. It’s been a while and lately I’ve felt this change over me, specifically over the last month. I’ve been moving forward just fine, with many great life-accomplishments occurring for me. The last two weeks in particular I’ve just felt FABULOUS! Things that used to bother me no longer do. People I thought I could never forgive are not only forgiven but also forgotten. I’ve been feeling as light as a feather and I am ready to FLY. And it is no wonder why, my Saturn leaves my house on October 29, 2009! It could be pure coincidence but these last two months have been filled with incidents that have brought me the peace that I am experiencing today! Susan Miller states:

Starting two years ago, when Saturn first entered your fifth house of true love in September 2007, your personal life has undergone quite a number of ups and downs. You may have had to endure a separation from the person you love. Or it may be that you had been attracted to the wrong person and at long last had to admit it was time to get out of that relationship no matter what the cost and no matter how difficult that might prove to be.

Saturn’s visits to a certain part of the chart are rare, coming by every 29 years for a two-year stay, so although Saturn can be a tough influence, the lessons you learn during those stays will remain in your heart for many decades, possibly forever. Saturn will now leave Virgo on October 29, so you should see your romantic life improve almost immediately. Your challenges in this area of life are nearly over. Saturn will retrograde back to your love sector for a brief 14-week stay in the spring, but after that, Saturn will not be back until 2036.

Now I am NOT the biggest follower on Astrology, but the Saturn’s Return theory captured my attention when Ashlee first introduced me to it and I am glad that I survived my first! I cruised through my early twenties with a believed notion of what I thought I wanted for my future without even knowing who I really was. Decisions and goals that I created, I now recognize were strongly influenced by familial and societal expectations. My first Saturn’s return threw me into crisis after crisis forcing me to face fears that I have known about all these years. I’ve acknowledged my negative patterns and Saturn instigated a change in me that forever lead me to a road of healing and a real positive foundation of self. In my early twenties, I can now admit that I was still soul searching although I had already defined a road for me to follow. At 20 I already knew that I would complete nursing school, work in a hospital, then attain my master’s degree. Somewhere in there, I threw in meeting someone and possibly getting married by 35 and regardless of being diagnosed with cancer and needing to postpone school for a year and a half, the path could still be followed. I selected a life structure that would give me a sense of stability; perhaps the stability that internally I could not achieve. But the hat fit, after not having a solid foundation, for years, moving from one place to another; all I really wanted to do was be stable and create a home for myself. I settled my sights on these accomplishments to build a foundation for my future… but at 26, I began to seriously question myself if this is what I really wanted.

So I asked myself these questions. Answer A is what I would have said at 23 and Answer B is what I would say NOW:

1. What kind of a career am I suited for? A: Nurse B: Chef [Both are service oriented jobs, but more than ever I really would like to pursue cooking more than anything else.]
2. What kind of person do I want to grow old with as a mate? A: OMG at before, I looked for trouble… specifically a Reformed “thug” … I stepped away from that for 5 years with my last long term. I used to only date within my race, he had to have graduated college and be equally successful as me in terms of finances and occupation. The things that mattered to me back then definitely do not matter know because I learned that it doesn’t matter how presentable this person is to bring home to my family, the LOVE that I feel at home from him and for him is MORE IMPORTANT! B: Now, I just don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with a Filipino man. I want a STRONG man who knows when to be gentle. He knows what he wants whether or not he is there yet. He must be creative and soulful and still be a man’s man. He takes control when he needs to but also knows when to back down. He is committed to me and committed to making us BOTH better human beings. We will complement one another not complete one another.
3. Do I want the responsibility of a family? A: Yes B: Not anytime soon!
4. Where am I feeling burdened, restricted, confined and limited? A: family, finances, housing B: family
5. How can I change my life to feel competent, capable, expert and in charge (rather than burdened, etc.)? A: work more and pay off any debt and be able to provide for myself without having to depend on anyone B: work less, explore the world and do the things I said I would conquer after cancer that I carelessly put aside
6. How, where, and to what, do I want to make an enduring commitment? A: At 23, I was in a serious relationship with someone, our mind frame was for me to complete college and get married! (whew I am glad that did not last!) B: I am committed to ensuring that I am creating the life that I WANT TO LIVE; and in doing so, I don’t want to be committed to anything unless it will contribute to the forward movement of nursing chosen career and aspiring goal of becoming a chef and owning my own restaurant.
7. If I view this as a time to lay a foundation, what is it I would like to build in the next six to seven years? A: At 23, my foundation revolved around a relationship B: At 29, the only foundation I am committed to creating right now is for my career and business.

In answering these questions, I learned so much more about who I am, where I have been, and where I want to be in the next few years. I have grown and changed so much in the last 3 years and I am thankful for the turmoil my life has been in regardless of how painful it was. Today, I am stronger than ever and possess a true direction of where I want my life to go. Today I know who in my life really matters, who no longer matters, and who never mattered! I’ve gotten rid of the bad things in my life to make room for all of the good!

Links for 2009-10-19

janmaterne — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:57:46 +0000

Microsoft has announced two analysis tools for security wholes: BinScope Binary Analyzer and MiniFuzz File Fizzer. The first one checks for forgotten security flags and the second checks against flow patten.

There is a nice paper about risks in cloud computing:

Stalking in Amazon’s EC2
Sidechannel Attacks
Data Leakage through CPU Caches

If you are in N.Y. or Toronto and interesting in modeling, the Eclipse Modeling Days could be interesting for you.

German: event series about server virtualization.
Thu, 12.11.2009, Pullmann Hotel Köln
Wed, 18.11.2009, Gastwerk Hotel Hamburg
Thu, 26.11.2009, Novotel München Messe

Galileo publishes the “Linux Handbuch” as free available OpenBook.

German: Microsoft publishes the eBook “Windows 7 – Auf einen Blick” for free (since 31.10.2009). A free chapter is directly available, for the whole book you have to register.

Mabuhay!

chrysantha — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 23:46:55 +0000

I’ve never recorded myself before, and I I found it fitting to accompany this blog with a mini audio-version recorded from my childhood room… I thought that it would be a great memory… Click on this link if you would like me to read to you!
Mabuhay

Preface

As I sit in the room that I grew up in for the very last time, I found it fitting to write a piece that I have been meaning to transcript since last November of 2008. “How fitting?” I thought to myself, as this room has inspired endless creativity and emotions since I first moved to the United States from Manila, Philippines at the young age of six. This room has watched me make mistakes, laugh and cry, and blossom into the woman I am today. This piece will not be a sad one, rather a declaration of prosperity and forward movement. And as my childhood home slips gently from my grasp, it’s memories of family, laughter, and love will forever remain. ”Mabuhay” is dedicated to the memory of my Blossom Valley, childhood home.

Mabuhay!

In the middle of a cold November night, my friend awoke me with a phone call in the midst of my sleep just to ask what the words Mabuhay meant. Earlier that day, as I met him for lunch I greeted him with the words “Mabuhay!” and since that moment, he felt enchanted by its sound and grace. For a long time, I had often joked about how the Pilipino language, when spoken often made Tagalog people sound angry. I always compared the romantic tones of the French , Italian, and Spanish language to the jagged, often times unbearing sound of Tagalog when my friends or family spoke in their native tongue. Our “R’s” does not roll off of our tongues with the delicacy of that of the Spanish language nor do our “I’s” capture the hymn of our lips as that of the French. But in that moment, I found myself explaining the meaning of this word in one of the most eloquent ways I could have ever imagined… and now, I will share this with you.
When mabuhay is broken down, the root word ‘buhay’ literally means: life or live and the act of being alive and to become alive. Within a more formal context, the word mabuhay means ‘long live’, often used in celebratory toasts or speeches. In a more casual context, mabuhay is used as a salutation to say “hello” or “goodbye”.

In explaining the usage and context of this word to my friend, I came to realize how ONE word in my native language uniquely articulates and conveys a message that encourages a person to live, be happy, and be an agent of change. Only a few words in my personal language bank is as elegant and holds so much meaning as the word Mabuhay.

Speak this word and you will feel the magnitude of its power. In two syllables, you communicate more positive energy than you can ever imagine. It is ONE WORD with genuine meaning. The word Mabuhay does not require the collective heaps of utterances contained in Bibles, Quotations of the Ages, nor the vast amount of words strung together and bound between the pages of books. This word is short, sweet, and simple but infinitely powerful.

So today, I encourage you to greet a person with the words, “Mabuhay!” With the same clarity that you base daily decisions with, express each syllable as you speak this word. With the same focus that you direct your life goals, with attention look into the other person’s eyes and smile. We are all deserving of Love, Validation, and Respect; speak this word and live each day as if it is your last day. Share the word Mabuhay as you continue to actively LIVE and POSITIVELY affect the lives of your family, friends, neighbors, and everyone else you encounter in this lifetime.

… and to you, I greet “Mabuhay!”

- click here for the original post with audio

Chrysantha Cakes Application...

chrysantha — Sun, 03 May 2009 17:51:51 +0000

Today I received my 5th Private Message on Yelp asking me where one could “apply” to be my current crush… Since I love getting to know people, I thought it would be cute to go ahead and make one! And in typical Faye-Fashion, this is not your average Crush App! I hope you enjoy filling this out as much as I enjoyed thinking of the questions that really matter to me!

Chrysantha Cakes Crush Application:

(1) Do you consider yourself CREATIVE and WHY?

(2) What is your nationality? Teach me something about your culture (i.e. fond memories, food experiences, or a factoid

you are proud of).

(3) What does FAMILY mean to you?

(4) What kind of television shows do you like to watch?

(5) What movies move your soul and feel free to explain why?

(6) Other than FAMILY and FOOD, MUSIC is another very important aspect of my Life… what are your favorites (i.e.

genres, artists, albums, or songs)?

(7) I believe everyone has talent… What is yours?

(8) What is your favorite part of a woman’s body and why?

(9) Where have you travelled? What is a favorite memory you hold close on one of your voyages?

(10) My life is an never ending path of unexpected turns! Do you take risks? How do you face change?

(11) How affectionate are you?

(12) What are important lessons learned in your past relationships?

(13) What makes you melt?

(14) In your opinion, what do you consider are the top 3 most important elements in the most basic level of any relationship?

(15) If you could be anything (specially if it is not your current occupation) what/who would you be?

SELFISH

chrysantha — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:46:41 +0000

i ain’t tying to say that i’m perfect
but i’ve stayed strong despite what’s beneath your surface
from the day you walked into my life
i stood by your side
broke bread like i was your wife
even when u left me to struggle & survive

when i met you u was just some broke ass nigga
hustlin bitches left and right cuz you can’t even make 2 figggas
and i looked passed ur bullshit to see the man that you really were
to give you that chance and not be unfair

so what nigga you tryna call me SELFISH?
why cuz I ain’t tryna hear your bullshit?
cuz I can’t stand on my two feet and throw out your misfits?
cuz I am so sick and tired of your shit and full of resentment?

Just because you say you love me
that ain’t ever gonna change shit
i gave u mad LOVE but you kept choosing your dumb ass bitches

oh what? wait? your baby mama needs you to watch your son?
aitte babe lemmi change, drop you off and then i’ll be gone…
but once i turned that corner ur really bout to meet ur groupie hoe and have some fun
while i’m at the doctor alone getting my cancer results done…

A man is only as good as his woman
So take a look at the one’s you know then
Specifically the one’s you chose one night with
The one’s that ain’t tryna share with you their pay check
But ready to take whatever they think you got as part of your image
Shoulda known beter than to fuck with you
Cuz there was nothing to gain and more to loose…
Nigga you call me selfish after everything I’ve done for you
But back then I was lost in a rush not knowing what to do.
Used those clouds of smoke to disguise the signs
Used those clouds of smoke to close my eyes
… to the TRUTH in my soul just to survive our bad time.

You shuda gripped my LIFE the way you hold that Mic
Hold it tight, hold it right…
Mind the P’s and Q’s and read between the lines…
You can say everything in the world to make me believe ya
but it doesn’t mean that I still respect ya
Because you had your chance and you blew it again…

they say forgive and forget… live and let live
but there’s a point of exhaustion where i just can’t give
no let me correct that… I JUST DONT wanna GIVE
cuz I’m tired of uncertainty and sacrificing my shit
all to fall flat on my face again because i believed ur shit

it’s bad enough i’m kickin myself in the ass
even though the past is the past.
it was hard enough to cut you off once
but you come back in my life telling me you regret all the shit you’ve done
yeah some things have changed but i’m sorry it just ain’t enough
cuz the scars run deep and bad memories are all that flood

now you say you know i’m the BEST of the BEST… and fuck the rest
but nigga I done known that without passing your 1 year test…
so you text me last night that I’m a selfish ass bitch
not caring how i affect others and that I don’t think
well nigga did it ever occur to you that maybe i ain’t tryna play your games
all that pain you caused me made me change

when I met you I was WEAK and never STOOD MY GROUND
settled for less and even less is what I found
Jay Z’s “SONG CRY” told our story well
when a good girl’s gone bad she’s gone forever?
yeah nigga it ain’t hard to muthafuckin tell
and you ask me what can you say to make me understand
that you ain’t goin no where?
that even when you’re on your grind I’m the only one on your mind?
but it ain’t about what you say it’s the shit that you do
to show me that you got my back one hundred proof…

Without your music tell me who would be around?
to make sure you got clean clothes, food, and a roof over your crown?
all those bitches and niggas chasin your paper ain’t no where near real
at the end of the day they just want that image and could give a shit about how you feel.

i’ve never ever ever been taken so much advantage of before
and I’m just going to repeat that mistake if I don’t shut that door
Cuz it’s fucking apparent that you still don’t see
How much I sacrificed myself and how much you mean to me
I’m a strong ass woman that you tried to break down
Why? Cuz you knew that despite what you did I’d always be around?
Nigga I left once and it seems you forgot that SOUND…
the SOUND OF SILENCE when my laughter was gone…
the SOUND OF EMPTINESS when my heart was no longer to be found…
the SOUND OF REGRET when you realized what you killed
the SOUND OF LONLINESS when I no longer want to fulfill…

… all the promises I made once in the past…
I know I said I was yours… and I didn’t lie…
but today I just want my life back and I am ready to fly…

be pissed at me for the shit that I just spit
but I need quality so I gotta sail ship
and when I’m finished you may wanna fight
but baby I’m tired and I just wanna get back right
with or without you my life is complete
ME is the only person that I NEED.

Life never brings you what you expect -- it usually brings more than you wanted!

chrysantha — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 18:50:18 +0000

Thank You Yahoo Astrology for reaffirming my life yet again… You’ve been following me around all month telling me exactly what my intuition was already hinting at me… But as always, time will put things into place and EVERYTHING will happen as it should – and it has!

You’ve finished a long journey recently, but the view you expected to have on climbing this mountain isn’t quite as impressive as you hoped it would be. Okay, on the one hand this is a big disappointment. But on the other hand, this could be seen as a nice surprise. Life never brings you what you expect — it usually brings you more. Remember that experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted. Keep trying — just one more time! You are always a work in progress.

After all is said and done… and I am not just talking about the events of the past 3 months, I am speaking of the past two years entirely… I stand where I am now, feeling complete and happy… After the storm there is always sunshine, and before I leave for New York, there is going to be more sunshine than I can handle… I get to back to my grind of working out, playing basketball, and running with Ashlee for our marathon. I truly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. All of the things I worried about for so long worked out at the end. There was pain, A LOT of it, but nothing earned feels as good if you didn’t struggle to achieve it.

First of all, the person I loved for the last 2 years now sees me in a different light… he has learned to appreciate me in my absence, and NO IT’S NEVER TOO LATE, to realize how important and special someone is to you… and NO IT’S NEVER TOO LATE to grow and change, even if you are about to be in your 30’s. It is only too late when you realize importance when that person is no longer with us, when we are no longer afforded the opportunity to make things right. Life is an ongoing process of mistakes, change, and growth… but none of this can be achieved without self-realization and self-actualization. I dedicated my life to giving this person a better life than he could ever afford… A life that isn’t based on intangible materialistic things… A life that provided the basic necessities of happiness: Love, a Home, Companionship, Food, and Laughter. I always knew that I couldn’t make this person Happy, I knew that he had to find it within himself… But regardless, I did whatever else I could to at least compliment the goal that I was trying to achieve. In caring for someone else for so long, I slowly began to lose myself… I stopped taking care of me and the things that REALLY mattered to me. I can blame him all I want, but at the end of the day, I made my own decisions and will suffer the consequences of my own actions. Perhaps one of the things that hurt the most is how much I lost at the end… I did not only let him go, I lost relationships and situations that I loved and cared for so long but then lost sight of or simply placed at the bottom of priorities either because I was struggling to keep my own self afloat or I was just so stuck in one place and didn’t know how to get out of it. It definitely hurt me to let something I invested so much time in go. It pained me to think that I taught him and supported him and when I walk away someone else would benefit from the lessons that he learned from me, while I continued to suffer and live through the aftermath of what we had. Perhaps, that feeling was the worst thing I couldn’t let go of for so long. That we couldn’t even be friends because of our feelings and the pain that was created in our relationship. I thought I would never heal, I thought I would be missing a part of me for a long time… I never knew that Healing would come in the form that it did this week…

Due to some really horrible circumstances, I was forced to call upon the only person that I knew had my back… that if I ever fell into some horrible situation, I knew that he would be there.. Life or Death he would be there… and HE WAS. And that opened the door to friendship… a friendship that I NEVER THOUGHT that we could build again. I left him at a horrible low in my life, definitely one of the hardest things I ever had to do… but how else could I continue to stand beside him and feel like less than half the person I was when we first met – I was drained, broken, and lost myself. And now I stand by his side again, with no expectations, with no pain, with no regret… Now I stand beside him with optimism of a friendship that we never had the opportunity to build. It’s funny how life works… how time puts things into place. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I am glad that I walked away from him when I did… and I am glad that his soul woke up and realized exactly what I meant and still mean to him. Nothing makes me happier than to know that he finally appreciates me and everything I did when we were together… That is the greatest gift of happiness that he could ever give me…

In the meantime, I was blessed with LOVE from someone else. He showed me HOW I SHOULD BE TREATED and finally gave me the LOVE THAT I DESERVED. He looked out for me, wanted the best for me, and tried his best to make me happy. Although there were lies that tainted it, and there could possibly be another person in the picture, I walk away knowing how I want to be loved. I learned that I didn’t have to settle for someone or something, regardless of how much time I invested in it… It reminded me that a relationship should be based on it’s quality not the amount of time spent (quantity). He isn’t here in that way now, but he gave me gifts of symbolic not materialistic importance… through his advice I am now closer to my family than I’ve ever been. He encouraged me to fix things with my mother, and if it wasn’t for him walking into my life, half of me would still be empty without my family by my side. Through his encouragement, I didn’t pursue returning to a job that left me miserable and physically/emotionally sick. He taught me not to settle… even when the options and future seemed bleak. Through him I nurtured dreams and fostered new ones that I have now added to my Life Plan. And wherever we end up, I know that things will be fine, because at the end of the day we are good people with good intentions, regardless of how things play out.

5 months ago I was sick. Sick in the head, sick in my heart… SICK… All I wanted was Inner Peace… All I wanted was answers to ease my pain. In seven days, (during my grandfather’s one year death anniversary this past week) all of my questions were answered, and a path, although unpaved, is in front of me and I am ready to conquer it. The events of this week don’t happen for no apparent reason. This week opened a door of possibilities for me and I am ready to open all of them.

This is my time to shine. This past year has been filled with opportunities to reevaluate the path I set out for myself 9 years ago and create new dreams that I KNOW I can attain. I’ve never felt better about who I am and where I want to be. This is my PRIME… I’ve never felt more beautiful and comfortable in my own skin… everywhere I go I turn heads and everyone I meet is instantaneously attracted to me… If there was any other time for me to be single, I guess it’s now. I am going to turn 29 in a month, then it’s one more year to my 30’s. I can’t recall the last time I just really enjoyed myself… and not a state of solitude because I am sad… but just being by myself with no expectations of being loved or having a companion. In a short amount of time, I’ve learned who my real friends are and who I can call on at the last minute to BE THERE… and NOT JUST TALK but actually BE THERE FOR ME with no STRINGS ATTACHED. When my life was easy and I had everything people were around… but as soon as I lost it all, only a few really stood beside me and I am so fortunate for having the opportunity to test who my real folks are. It might be few, but I know that they are QUALITY friends who saw past the smoke and of my imperfections. They love me and I have mad love for them.

Even as I type this, the sunshine is burning on my back… and it feels good! All of the remanding hurt is seeping out of my pores. Every second feels better as I move forward to a myriad of options… At the end of the time I know that I am loved… I don’t have to rush to make decisions on who my heart should belong to because I’ve already given my best in both situations… they both effed it up, and with that, I no longer have any obligation to anyone else but myself. At least one of them has already gone through the hurt of really losing me and now knows what I REALLY MEAN to them today… and I guess it’s going to be a process for my other friend who still needs the time to realize who I really am, and maybe he will never unless I really leave the picture. There is no doubt I do know what I want and what I am willing to do, but we have to be on the same page… and if it happens when I am no longer in that frame of mind, well then that’s a risk we will all have to take. In the meantime, I am going to do ME.

When one door closes, another one opens… And many doors have just opened for me. I am excited and looking forward to what else this year has in store. There is no doubt that my heart still hurts from what has been done to me, but it is going to be okay… I am resilient and amazing… I know who I am and the influence I can be to those that I love… I am here and I am ready to CREATE THE WORLD that will bring me happiness and inner peace.

Free to download: Ein "Yellow" C# Buch

Gerald Huber — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:00:32 +0000

Rob Miles hat in seinem Blog “robmiles.com” einen kostenlosen pdf-Download seines C#-Buches in der aktuellen 2008-Fassung angeboten.

Dieses Buch wird, so schreibt er in dem Blogeintrag “C# Yellow Book”, im Department of Computer Science in the University of Hull als Einstiegsbuch für das erste Jahr in der Programmierung verwendet.

Es ist nach meiner Meinung auf jeden Fall einen Blick und einen kleinen Download des 1,4MB großen PDFs wert.

21 Questions

chrysantha — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 15:56:12 +0000

1. Name: Chrysantha
2. Age: 28
3. Born: Manila
4. Reside: Sunny Lake Meritt, Adam’s Point
5. Height: 5′2″
6. Body: Curvacious
7. Personality: Silly, Strong, Unique, Good Hearted, Vivacious, Mature, Non-Judgmental, Sensitive in a good way
8. Personality(s) Liked: Optimism, Strength, Honesty, Unique, Adventurous, Relaxed, Non-Judgmental
9. Pet Peeve(s): People who leave their signal lights on FOREVER! People who say “never mind” after they’ve already involved you in the convo, and say it as if you aren’t going to get what they say
10. School: Graduated from DU School of Nursing
11. Hobbies: FOOD and MUSIC.
12. Goals/Dreams: Own my own restaurant and feed the Masses and meet Mary J. Blige
13. Favorite Artist: Mary J. Blige, Mos Def, Jay-Z, Musiq Soulchild, Tamia, Alicia Keys, Aretha Franklin,
14. Favorite Teams: Giants, A’s
15. Favorite Body Part(s): Eyes, Neck, and the lower half of someone’s face.
16. Looking For: Inner fulfillment.
17. Not Looking For: Pessimistic people with BAD ENERGY and those who can’t accept when they do something wrong.
18. 5 years from now: I own an establishment where I am somehow someway cooking and feeding people and making income from it…
19. 10 years from now: Financially stable, have a life partner, and just HAPPY and CONTENT.
20. Celebrity Crushe(s): Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom, Mekhi Pfifer, COMMON, and Ginuine
21. Secret(s): U tell me yours and ill tell u mines later (haha).

VIA quitting third party chipset business

Dan — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:29:43 +0000

After spending years making, among other things, chipset for Intel and AMD-based platforms, VIA has

Pythons Macht und Einfachheit

Thomas — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:13:14 +0000

Heute bin ich im Openbook “Python” von Galileo Computing (das ich übgrigens sehr empfehlen kann!) auf eine interessante Methode gestoßen in Python Listen zu erstellen. Diese Methode nennt sich List Comprehensions und dient dazu effizient mehrere Listen zu einer neuen Liste zu kombinieren. In diesem Kapitel bin ich auf folgendes Beispiel gestoßen:

>>> lst1 = ["A","B","C"]
>>> lst2 = ["D","E","F"]
>>>[(a,b) for a in lst1 for b in lst2]
[('A', 'D'), ('A', 'E'), ('A', 'F'), ('B','D'), ('B', 'E'), ('B', 'F'), ('C','D'), ('C', 'E'), ('C', 'F')]

Dabei wird aus lst1 und lst2 eine neue Liste erstellt, die alle Kombinationen mit 2 Buchstaben aus beiden Listen enthält. Dabei fiel mir sofort auf, was man damit noch alles anstellen kann:

lst = “a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9″.split(‘,’)
comb = [(a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h) for a in lst for b in lst for c in lst for d in lst for e in lst for f in lst for g in lst for h in lst]

Diese 2 Zeilen Python-Code erstellen alle 6-stelligen Ascii-Kombinationen. Wenn man den Code noch ein bisschen ausbaut und perfektioniert, hat man ein Programm, welches theoretisch alle Ascii-Kombinationen erstellt. Natürlich nur solange wie der Speicher das zulässt. Wenn man jetzt noch von jedem dieser Kombinationen den md5-hash erzeugt und in einer Datenbank speichert, hat man sich eine Möglichkeit geschaffen von einem md5-hash auf das Ascii-Passwort zu kommen. Allerdings hätte auch das seine Tücken, denn ein md5-hash verkörpert ja nicht nur ein Passwort sondern unendlich viele.

Allerdings geht es mir nicht darum zu zeigen, wie man einen md5-hash “knackt”, sondern ich will mit diesem Beispiel aufzeigen, wie mächtig Python ist.

Microsoft Forzado A Prolongar La Vida de XP

angelnyo — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:08:32 +0000

Microsoft anuncio hoy en el Computex 2008, en Taipei, que ha sido forzado a modificar sus planes de ciclo de vida de Windows XP. Esto debido al popular mercado de las portátiles de bajo costo, Subnotebooks y las nueva Netbooks.

Esta medida fue tomada como parte de una estrategia para proteger este mercado, ya que muchos de estos económicos equipos portátiles pueden ser operados con alguna distribución de Linux.

Voceros de Microsoft especificaron que será Windows XP Home Edition quien permanecerá por un tiempo más, ya que es el sistema ideal para estos equipos móviles.

Algunos de estos dispositivos son el OpenBook de VIA o el Eee PC de Asus.

Fuente: arstechnica.

Etiquetas de Technorati: Microsoft, Windows XP, Linux, Subnotebook, Netbook, VIA, Openbook, Asus, Eee PC

Freedom Scientific at the 2008 NFB and ACB Summer Conventions

chaosat — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:36:15 +0000

The NFB Annual Convention will be held at the Hilton Anatole Hotel, 2201 Stemmons Freeway, Dallas, TX 75207. The telephone number is 214-748-1200.

Sunday, June 29

What’s New in JAWS 9 & MAGic 11, 8:30AM – 11:30AM , Senators Lecture Hall. Join Eric Damery, Vice President of Software Product Management, for an exciting and informative session covering all the new details surrounding JAWS® screen reading software and MAGic® screen magnification software development. Feature demonstrations and explanation, lots of tips and tricks, and even a special sneak preview of JAWS 10.0. Bring your questions!

PAC Mate Omni 6.1, 1:00PM – 3:00PM, Senators Lecture Hall. Learn about the impressive feature set and performance of the PAC Mate Omni™ accessible Pocket PC, complete with a look at what’s in store for PAC Mate Omni in its next release. PAC Mate Omni 6.1 allows you to interact with information in formats and in ways that enhance your productivity at work or at school.

Monday, June 30

Exhibit Hall Open, 9:30AM – 5:30PM

JAWS/MAGic session, 3:45PM – 5:30PM, PAC Mate training suite (Suite location will be made available onsite – inquire at FS booth). Eric Damery, Vice President of Software Product Management, will be available to discuss and demonstrate some of the great new features in JAWS 9.0 and MAGic 11.0, answer product questions, and even provide a sneak preview into the JAWS 10.0 release which is scheduled for public beta later in the summer.

Tuesday, July 1

Exhibit Hall Open, 9:00AM – 5:30PM

Wednesday, July 2

Exhibit Hall Open, 12:00PM – 1:45PM

Exhibit Hall Open, 7:00PM – 10:00PM

Thursday, July 3

Exhibit Hall Open, 12:00PM – 6:00PM

Friday, July 4

Exhibit Hall Open, 12:00PM – 1:45PM

Saturday, July 5

Exhibit Hall Open, 12:00PM – 1:45PM

PAC Mate Training

Open during exhibit hours on Monday, June 30, Tuesday, July 1, Wednesday, July 2, and Thursday, July 3 except 3:45PM to 5:30PM Monday and Tuesday. Suite location will be made available onsite – inquire at FS booth.

Product Servicing

Available during exhibit hours on Monday, June 30, Tuesday, July 1, and Wednesday, July 2. Inquire at FS service desk at booth. Service technicians will be on hand during exhibit hours to provide repairs for the following Freedom Scientific products: PAC Mate BX units, PAC Mate QX units, Millennium 20, Millennium 40, Braille Lite 18, Braille Lite 2000, Braille Lite 40, BNS 640, Braille ‘n Speak, Type ‘n Speak, and Type Lite. Braille cell repairs (individual or complete displays) will not be done at the show. NOTE: Not all product repairs will be completed on site. Some repairs may require the product to be taken in for service and shipped back to the owner.

Prizes

FSReader™ DAISY player, one per hour during exhibits
PAC Mate BX400 or QX400, one awarded at banquet
OpenBook™ scanning and reading software, one awarded at banquet
MAGic trial demo CDs available at booth

Freedom Scientific at the American Council of the Blind Convention

The ACB convention will be held at the Galt House, Fourth Street at the River, Louisville, KY 40202. The telephone number is 502-589-5200.

Saturday, July 5

Exhibit Hall Open, 1:00PM – 5:00PM

Exhibit Hall Open – Reception, 6:00PM – 7:00PM

Sunday, July 6

Exhibit Hall Open, 9:00AM – 5:00PM

OpenBook 8.0 Overview and Discussion, 9:00AM – 11:00AM, Location: PAC Mate training suite (Suite location will be made available onsite – inquire at FS booth). In this presentation, participants will learn about the exciting new features available in Freedom Scientific’s latest OpenBook release. Learn about the newest features such as the new keyboard layout, updated OCR options, new voices, low vision enhancements, and new reference features. Get a great overview of the newest features included in OpenBook 8.0 and bring your suggestions for enhancements you would like to see in a future release of OpenBook.

Monday, July 7

Exhibit Hall Open, 11:00AM – 5:00PM

JAWS/MAGic session, 3:30PM – 5:00PM, Location: PAC Mate training suite. Eric Damery, Vice President of Software Product Management, will be available to discuss and demonstrate some of the great new features in JAWS 9.0 and MAGic 11.0, answer product questions, and even provide a sneak preview into the JAWS 10.0 release which is scheduled for public beta later in the summer.

Tuesday, July 8

Exhibit Hall Open, 11:00AM – 5:00PM

Wednesday, July 9

Exhibit Hall Open, 11:00AM – 5:00PM

Thursday, July 10

Exhibit Hall Open, 9:00AM – 1:00PM

PAC Mate Training

Open during exhibit hours on Saturday, July 5, Sunday, July 6, Monday, July 7, and Tuesday, July 8 except 9:00AM -11:00AM on Sunday, and 3:30PM – 5:00PM on Monday and Tuesday. Meeting room location will be made available onsite – Inquire at FS booth.

Product Servicing

Available during exhibit hours on Saturday, July 5, Sunday, July 6, and Monday, July 7. Inquire at FS service desk at booth. Service technicians will be on hand during exhibit hours to provide repairs for the following Freedom Scientific products: PAC Mate BX units, PAC Mate QX units, Millennium 20, Millennium 40, Braille Lite 18, Braille Lite 2000, Braille Lite 40, BNS 640, Braille ‘n Speak, Type ‘n Speak and Type Lite. Braille cell repairs (individual or complete displays) will not be done at the show. NOTE: Not all product repairs will be completed on site. Some repairs may require the product to be taken in for service and shipped back to the owner.

Prizes

FSReader, one per hour during exhibits
PAC Mate BX400 or QX400, one awarded during convention
OpenBook, one awarded during convention
MAGic trial demo CDs available at booth

Sony working on UMPC based on Via OpenBook?

Dan — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:46:16 +0000

According to hardware manufacturer Quanta Computer, Sony is working on a new low-end notebook comput