Pilgrimage Statistics

Consecutive Days Riding: 48                             Consecutive Days Blogging: 49

Today’s Mileage:  10                                        Total Trip Mileage: 419

Holidays and Holy Days on November 26:

Waqf al Arafa – Islamic observance day during Hajj when pilgrims pray for forgiveness and mercy.

Day of the Covenant – Baha’i celebration of the covenant given in the last will and testament of Baha’u'llah

Holidays and Holy Days on November 27:

Eid al-Adha – Islamic Feast of Sacrifice. The most important feast of Islam. It concludes the Hajj and is a three-day festival recalling Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son in obedience to Allah.

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I hope that everyone has recovered from the Thanksgiving Day feasting!  I would like to start off by apologizing to my Muslim and Baha’i friends for failing to note the significant Holy Days associated with yesterday.  I was preoccupied with getting my posting up so my mother could see it as she visited my sister’s gathering.  I would also like to ask everyone to hold the Hajj pilgrims in your prayers. There has been severe flooding in Saudi Arabia and a many pilgrims have died.

As I ride the bike today and note the mileage and calorie count climb, I am reminded of the simple truth about journeys. One might take a break to replenish supplies and energy, but then you have to get back on the road or risk being overwhelmed with the urge to sit “just a little while longer.”  It felt good to indulge in a feast of celebration but it feels good to return to my bike and the pilgrimage.

I decided to use today’s posting to address an issue I left unfinished from the beginning of this journey.  What the meaning and significance of my Pilgrim Symbol?  During this holiday season I am sure there have been a number of shocked and puzzled individuals who have goggled the term” Pilgrim” expecting to see hats with buckles and the Mayflower.  Instead they found this strange, reclined humanlike figure surrounded by a multitude of foreign symbols. I know this is the case as this aspect of my Blog site is the most consistently reviewed by outside searches! Perhaps it’s time I reveal the meaning of the symbols I used to create the image. 

The Human Form:

1)      Reclining human form – this is representative of the stationary aspect of my journey and the fact that my bike is one you recline into rather than sit perched on the seat.

2)      The contrasting halves to the human form – this is representative of the dualistic experience we often have of our physical body.  It is the source of pleasure (light) and pain (dark), we often celebrate it as the vehicle on our journey but then curse it for the desires associated with it.  The whole mind/body or physical/spirit dilemma is wrapped up in this dualism.

3)      The Yin Yang symbol – this is the Chinese symbol pointing to the illusion of dualism, that they are forces locked into an eternal spinning dance.  In addition, within each region is the seed of the other.  If you look close enough at Life you will find that Death often prepared the way for it. The purpose of this symbol is to pull the viewer out of this illusion to see both as part of a process. Reality is about the dance between life and death, between good and evil, it transcends these dualities. This insight represents an important part of my intellectual philosophy which is why it comprises the figures’ head.

The Wheel: literally represents the wheel of my bike, but is full of symbolic meaning. 

4)      Ouroboros: The snake grasping it’s tail – is a symbol in many early faiths for the cyclical nature of things; the eternal return as cycles that begin anew as soon as they end, like a day or the seasons. The importance of seeing our journey as a series of cycles embedded within each other represents a personal insight that helps me to “keep things in perspective.”

5)      The Zen Circle – represents the entire universe in a single, perfect stroke.  Although simple, it is difficult to paint successfully and thus must be done with a clear mind focused on the task. This reminds me to always strive for mindfulness!

6)      The Buddhist Eight Spoked Wheel – one of the early symbols of Buddhism, it represents the Eight Fold Path, the path towards Enlightment.  Each spoke represents one of the “right” forms of wisdom, ethical conduct and moral development. My youngest son was quick to point out to me that some of the spokes do not touch the outer part of the wheel.  I noted that this indicates that I fall short of following the dictates of all of the spokes.

7)      The Compass Points – are represented by the horizontal and vertical spokes embedded within the circle. A reminder to always check our “bearings,” to look up from our path to ensure that we still on the desired path and not lost.

8)      The Quadrants of a Mandala – the horizontal and vertical spokes also divide the circle into quarters. The teaching Mandala of the eastern faiths (i.e. The Buddhist Wheel of Life) typically has as a structure of a circle divided into four components. This reminds me that parts of the cycles of life may look and feel significantly different, but if you step back, you will see them as part of the whole.

      The Staff: my actual staff is not nearly so straight, but sturdy and bent like the back of an old man.

9)      The Walking Stick – pilgrims throughout the world are often seen with a staff as they prod along on their journey.  As a hiker I can attest to the usefulness of a walking stick; to test the ground before us, to lean on and to anchor us as we climb up and down the ridges and peak along the path.  One of my artist endeavors are Taoist Walking Sticks, wall hangings made from sticks, roots, bones, seeds and feathers.  I find these things on my hikes and nature walks.

A Taoist Walking Stick by StationayPilgrim

10)  Grasping the Staff – the reclining figure holds the staff as a reminder that we can’t make this journey alone, we need support at times, whether that be in the form of words of guidance, encouragement or just a hug to lighten the emotional load.

11)  The Cross – the universal symbol of Christianity.  A symbol of sacrificial love and redemption, a reminder of the “devotional” path to the divine.  For me personally it is also a reminder of my Christian roots, the years of Catholic education continue to form a part of my supportive foundations.

12)  The Prayer Flag Banner – I have talked before about the use of prayer flags in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition.  This is a reminder that we carry with us the needs and struggles of those we love know and meet along our path; that every step we take, all of our actions serve to “flutter” the prayer flag, sending these offerings of praise and prayers of request to “the heavens.” Whether in good or difficult times, we should remember those we carry with us.

       The Top of the Staff: The source of illumination and direction

13)  The Chalice and Flame – the symbol for my Unitarian Universalist faith.  Holding high the light of pluralism, love, understanding and acceptance. For me this represents the shared communal knowledge that helps to light my way.

14)  The Godhead – one of the most sacred symbols of Hinduism is the Sacred Om.  It represents not only the sacred sound (mantra), but is a visual symbol of the various states of consciousness (waking, sleeping, dreaming and God consciousness).  In the upper part of the symbol is a small point (consciousness of God) that is separated from the other forms of consciousness.  The consciousness of God is not found outside of us, although it maybe perceived as being outside, but deep within us.  However, our realization of this fact is blocked by or identification with our body and ego. Placed at the top of the staff, it is a reminder of the mystical knowledge and experience that continues to fuel my journey and provide an inner source of light.

15)  Neptune’s Trident or Hindu Trihsula – one viewer noted that the upper portion of the staff appeared to be a trident; a water symbol and representative of creativity.  I hadn’t seen this till she pointed it out, highlighting that symbolic images are always interpreted through the viewers’ eyes and experiences.  In the Hindu faith, this is symbolic of the irresistible force of transcendental reality and of the three powers: Will, Action and Wisdom.  I cannot look at the image now without seeing the trident, representative perhaps of my Zodiac water sign (Pisces) and my expanding creativity.

       Background Features: I did not include these features initially but added them as I began the Pilgrimage recognizing them as important to the process of the journey.

16)  The Disappearing Tracks – the tire and staff tracks; we should travel through life aware of the marks we leave of our passage.  I believe the most important traces are not great monuments, but are how we touch others, hopefully in positive loving ways. Also, I think it goes without saying, we should not leave any road kill (victims) along our path!

17)  The Sky, Mountains, and Water – one of the defining features of Taoism is its use of nature to illustrate the lessons and process of life. An openness and admiration of nature (the growth/beauty and death/ugliness) allows the messages and insights to come to us, and promote the possibility of Nature Mystical Experience.

18)   The Road or Pathway – we are all on a path, heading somewhere.  Some people like a populated path, other prefer one “less travelled.” Some people want a mapped out path, others prefer to make their own. Some people choose the smoothest they can find, others like to “mountain bike” it.  Existentialists believe that we must find our own meaning or purpose in life, that meaning defines our path.  Being a teacher, parent, artist, lover, blogger gives my life meaning. Our meaning has to conform to life’s challenges, like growing old, but it is largely a matter of choice! We choose our path and we can always choose to change it!

One last note before I leave this discussion, concerning the difference between signs and symbols.  Generally speaking signs are denotive, they represent an object or direction. Like a wheelchair figure on the handicap sign or the “danger” message of the skull and cross bones.  Where as symbols are more connotive, they are meant to arouse emotions and maybe representative of something else. Like a swastika, which is a Hindu sign of peace that now evokes a sense of “evil” in the western world. Some signs and symbols have a universal quality and have meaning easily recognized by different cultures, others are unique and a person must “learn” the meaning of the sign or the appropriate emotions and ideas associated with a symbol.

My Pilgrim’s Symbol is meant to be connotive and arouse emotions and thoughts in the viewer.  You may see what I had intended, or as represented by the trident example, you might see things I had not intended.  Are you wrong and I’m right?  No!  I believe that useful symbols allow a person to see what they need to see, present them with some lesson/thought for them to process.  I would only ask the viewer to take an open approach to the experience of the symbol.  If you see more meanings then I noted these are potentially useful personal insights!  If you pull back in horror or out of rejection, these are potentially insightful personal reactions!

O microondas apitou. Abre a porta, retira o objeto de louça. Coloca-o na pia, com cautela para não explodir no momento do contato com a superfície gelada. Não sabia se isso era possível e nem se já acontecera antes, mas precavia-se instintivamente. Misturou a batata-palha, imaginando a beleza de refeição que iria fazer. Na primeira garfada percebeu que parte da comida ainda estava gelada, apesar do nítido calor que emanava da louça alaranjada. Ja sabia que a batata não aguentaria mais de 10 segundos no microondas sem perder sua crocância. Resolveu que apenas mexeria um pouco toda a comida, para que o calor fosse melhor distribuído. Por um segundo pensou em escrever sobre isso tudo, mas estava com fome. Assim, pegou um papel qualquer e uma caneta hidrocor azul. Procurou um livro na estante, procurou um livro na mesa. Pegou o livro da estante como suporte e danou-se a escrever enquanto comia. Pensou em começar no barulho do microondas, a porta sendo aberta… E deu mais uma garfada. Começou a contar tudo que se lembrava, na sequência em que os fatos ocorreram: o medo da explosão, a comida quase fria. E por mais que corresse, mesmo após nenhuma comida restar na louça, sentia-se perseguindo a si mesmo. Continuar seria sua única opção, mesmo que o texto se expremesse, mesmo que todas as linhas já estivessem tortas… Seguia para o fim de encontrar consigo mesmo ao final da página.

Provin dintr-o Familie cu vechi tradiţii de stânga… În acelaşi timp, Sfântul Gheorghe este Patronul şi Ocrotitorul Familiei noastre. Vă daţi seama ce bucuros am fost să găsesc acest frumos poster rus din anii ‘20 ai secolului trecut, ani de mari prefaceri sociale în Rusia Sovietică. “Renegatul” Trotsky, în perioada sa de efemeră glorie pământească, înfăţişat iconic ca Sf. Gheorghe, spre evlavia mujicilor ruşi, mântuiţi de cizma ţaristă… Genială piesă de propagandă sovietică, am avea ce învăţa şi noi cu Piar-ul nostru vândut capitaliştilor occidentali…

Sf. Leon Trotsky, de stirpe evreiască, precum Iisus Hristos, zdrobeşte capul încoronat cu joben al balaurului capitalist!

Totul pe fundalul pentagramelor masonice oculte… minunat! Cu Nimb în formă de Pentagramă galbenă… Der Gelbe Stern…

Deasemenea, Dragonul este înfăţişat tot în stilul Şarpelui Simbolic OUROBOROS, înfăţişat pe multe sigilii masonice, în special în Secolul al 18-lea… al Luminilor! Ex Oriente Lux!

Ironic, Şarpele este inscripţionat cu Kontr-Revoluţia… Să mai spuneţi că ruşii nu au simţul Umorului!

Şarpele OUROBOROS simbolizează Eterna Reîntoarcere, ceva care se re-creează constant, fiind un vechi simbol al Marii Opere Alchimice…

Iar Calul Alb al lui Trotsky – nu este el acel ίππος λευκός din Apocalipsa, care simboliza Cucerirea?

În final, vă las în compania acestei superbe Icoane din secolul al XV-lea, din Novgorod, care îl reprezintă pe Sfântul Gheorghe:

]]> http://ascendingsun.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/ouroboros/ Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:15:46 +0000 ascendingsun http://ascendingsun.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/ouroboros/

orouboros

Jörmundgandr (midgårdsormen), en av Lokes tre söner, kastas i havet av Oden där han växer så mycket att han till slut omsluter Midgård och kan bita sig i svansen. Vid Ragnarök släpper ormen sin svans och möter sin nemesis Tor.

Tor fångar Midgårsormen

Ormar som biter sin svans och formar en ring är en vida spridd symbol inom många religioner. Detta symboliserar det cykliska kosmos och att något ständigt skapas och återskapas (se inlägg om tidsåldrar).

Redan i Egypten för 4000 år sedan finns bilder på ormar eller drakar som biter sin egen svans. Denna symbolik anammades senare av alkemisterna där Ouroboros blev en symbol för födsel och död, som man ville undslippa. I Vol. 14 av Carl Jungs samlade verk skriver han:

The Ouroboros has been said to have a meaning of infinity or wholeness. In the age-old image of the Ouroboros lies the thought of devouring oneself and turning oneself into a circulatory process, for it was clear to the more astute alchemists that the prima materia of the art was man himself.

Denna symbolik är inte bara en västföreteelse. Aztekerna avbildade inte sällan deras orm-gud Quetzalcoatl bitandes sin egen svans och vissa stammar i Afrika har använt sig av den.

Quetzalcoatl

Sink Mandala II – Dragon Claw, Kohler Design Center, Kohler,
Wisconsin, October 2009, all photos © 2009 by QuoinMonkey.
All rights reserved.

fierce constellation
one dragon, many faces
all run down the drain

water covers fire
ouroboros alchemy
swallows no desire

shadow eats itself
raw prima materia
circle is complete

-posted on red Ravine, Thursday, November 12th, 2009

-related to posts: haiku 2 (one-a-day), haiku for Kohler Arts, Dragon Fight — June Mandalas

One of my favorite activities is to create things never made before; this was one of them! I have already been producing the Ouroboros Ring for some time, however a fellow wanted to have something specially made that touches both his Celtic Heritage and his love for the Ouroboros: the Ouroboros Penannular Brooch!

The Worm Himself is a solid carving with the ability to be viewed from both sides, a fully detailed face and the traditional diamond scalded spine. Unlike the Ladies’ Penannular, this is a solid ring with a “free” pin. By his request I created the pin without a head and to replicate a sewing needle. The way it is worn is that the ring of the Ouroboros is placed on the cloak (or Great Kilt) and the needle pierces the material underneath after bunching it up though the ring thus securing the Brooch and cloak together.

This is a one-of-a-kind piece with no mold taken for reproduction, however if you wish to have something similar made (or anything of the kind) simply ask!

My name… maybe haughty…xD

“Falling all around
In cycles, in circles
Constantly consuming
Conquer and devour…”

I got my first tattoo this past Saturday.

The decision to get it occurred after half-seriously getting in touch with my friend Michelle to meet David, a tattoo artist that did her most recent ink. But this tattoo has been something I’ve been thinking about for over a year. The Ouroboros is a symbol I also stumbled upon by accident. I saw an interesting pendant – a snake coiled into the infinity symbol shape – which gave me the idea to do some research. Lo and behold, I found that the “infinity snake” was a real symbol.. one closely resembling the phoenix in meaning, but personally more intriguing. To make it even more my own unique symbol, I wanted to get it not as a living snake, but the skeleton of a snake.

The Ouroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon swallowing its own tail and forming a circle. The Ouroboros often represents self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things perceived as cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also represent the idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished. In alchemy, the Ouroboros is a purifying sigil.

The whole process of getting this tattoo was instinctual, from that day I saw the snake necklace over a year ago, to the moment I got on the table to get inked. Logically, none of this made any sense at all. I knew that it felt “too soon” to be getting this tattoo: the consultation was on Wednesday, and 3 days later was the actual appointment. I hadn’t seen any of David’s work besides Michelle’s tattoo, I had just met the guy, and days later I would be entrusting him to permanently mark my skin. Forget the fact that I had never been IN a tattoo parlor before all this. But I knew that this was something I could trust to my instincts. In the end, when I saw the design, it was everything I envisioned. What left to do but commit? With Halloween just a week away, it was perfect timing. All the more reason to love my favorite holiday.

I was a little apprehensive about getting my tattoo because it was a symbol I felt I still had to earn. But as I was getting it done, and especially now that this sacred symbol is nested within my skin, I came to the conclusion that I’ve already earned it. There’s already a lot I’ve survived, between destructive and treacherous relationships, getting over my own harmful vices, 4 years in a college I once hated, and any other situations that warped my personality and stole my soul temporarily… I have been able to bounce back and return to me. This skeletal Ouroboros marks the end of youthful mistakes and insecurities, harm done from not knowing any better, or not knowing myself… to moving forward with wisdom and strength to conquer the next set of obstacles in my life. It is a symbol to remind me never to walk those kind of paths again, and a testament to my identity, being attracted to dark things. With all its bones visible, this snake is my inside pulled outward at last.. who I want to be materializing into who I actually am.

There is so much I didn’t realize about this image until it was actually on me. It is all very ritualistic, conceptualizing this image, getting it tattooed and now healing it. I’m in love with it because as much as it marks a time in my life, I can already tell my Ouroboros is a symbol I am still going to grow into, interpretation upon re-interpretation forming as time pushes onward.

(Photo Credit: Michelle Fernandez, Ink by David Osorio @ Rock City Tattoo)

hello friends! those of you who visit lordflea might wonder “what the heck happened to lordflea?” Well, life happened, that’s what. I’ve been immersed in many more duties away from the computer than usual, and today i’m making it my first priority to write about what’s happening. First Things First for me, today, is to share the waves of life that have come in duos, trios, quads too! and yet—no, I don’t feel overwhelmed.

contemplating the never-ending mystery of LIFE

Most importantly, my 91 year-old mom had another stroke, not too bad so don’t worry about her imminent demise and no, she’s not sitting like a lump slobbering on her front. I was up on my sailing trip a few weeks ago, sitting at anchor off the coast of Provincetown, Mass. when I got a phone call that what we thought was the flu, or food poisoning, when Mom was throwing up just as I left Florida, was actually one of the symptons of her having a mild stroke.

So here it is—daze later—i jumped ship and cut my sail short and flew home just as mom was being discharged. The only side effect of the stroke, it appears, is a small loss of vision in one eye, in one tiny spot of her peripheral vision. BUT a crucial place for driving, so mom is now in need of a chauffear and you-know-who has been filling that bill. Many doctors’ visits, acupuncture and reflexology sessions later, not to mention grocery shopping—thank heavens she’s not into hairdos or silly manicures—i must say it’s a pleasure to be here to serve my mom. That’s the feeling i have, through it all. What a gift that, after a life so wildly lived as I have (soon to be published in the book I’m showing agents and editors at present) I am grateful to have this quiet time to—okay, i’ll say the word—make “amends” to my mom for having been such a worry to her.

The Family Puzzle

And…true to her fisherwoman form (she was up on the fishing pier of St. Augustine when she had this last “attack” that eventually was diagnosed as a slight occipital infarction)…the FIRST thing mom wanted done after getting out of the hospital was to go out and throw the castnet to catch small mullets that she uses for bait throughout her winter fishing. Which, by the way, is her way of meditating and a good one at that. So that’s exactly what we did. And let me say right here, I’m a pretty lousy castnet-thrower, so you can imagine how funny that must have looked, lordflea throwing net after net into a phalanx of swarming fish that came in sweeps thick as biblical locusts, and…coming up with one lousy mullet in my half-opened net. Praise the angels watching over me because I was standing right next to Bob the Fisherman out on Velano Beach, with huge tarpon flopping in the air eating all that mullet, and an occasional dolphin showing off their spins and whistles, as they tend to do on Porpoise Point.

like-minded friends cruising nearby

 Ol’ Bob saw my misguided attempts at throwing, and probably figured mom was a little wobbly when she neatly threw her perfectly opened net once (and got 12 mullet right off!). So…all it took was Bob’s golden retriever, named Cash (yes, for Cash Money) to stick his head in our bait bucket and come out with a seven inch mullet happily chewed in his mouth, its tail hanging out of his slobbering jaws, smile on Cash Money’s canine face, and for me to say, “Hey that’s pretty cool—a protein-eating lab lovin’ raw fish!” for Bob to come sauntering right over, grateful to meet another dog lover, and offered to help fill mom’s bucket. In no time at all, we had the damn thing filled with perhaps 200 mullet and mom was pleased as punch.

sometimes ya just wanna jump out of da window...and into some FUN

We’ve just come back from ANOTHER trip to Boston, this one for one reason only—to honor the wedding of our two gay friends, Gene and Nat, which i hope i can get someone to send some photos about, because in my glee and joyous celebration, and sacred relief over this most special event, i forgot to snap the two happy dudes. Duh….. and the camera was right there with me. Ah well, we can’t get ‘em all. So here’s another vision of miraculous wonder, in place of my two gay friend’s wedding shot—soon to come on lordflea, i promise.

goddess Nut...signifying eternal life...the path of the sun from one horizon to the other in a day's trip

Back home today in St. Augustine, the weather feels good on my skin, moist yet cool, fertile yet hushed, waiting for the winter that soon will descend upon this side of the globe.

A sad thing happened this morning, that i’ll end with. My iPhone rang by my bedside where it was charging. It was only 7 a.m. and we hadn’t gotten back from Boston till after midnight, so i wasn’t about to answer. Yet I checked to see who it was. I recognized the name, Annie: a woman I’d not heard from for several years. In one brief flash of life’s happening-right-before-my-eyes, I KNEW why she’d called. It was that simple. There could be no other eason for her calling, like THAT, so early, so out of the blue.

Annie and I have a mutual friend named Michelle. About two months ago was the last time i spoke with Michelle, who is a British woman that somehow ended up in the most incongruous lackluster town in Central Florida you can ever imagine. Why? Because she has an alcohol and drug problem, and “life” took her there. She’d been trying to get sober, for years. That’s how I met her, because I’m active in AA, and I take on those that others too often give up on. She asked me to sponser her which i gladly did, as i do anyone who asks, in the best way i can. But after a couple years of working with Michelle i moved to St. Augustine, and her phone calls came less and less. She had a toddler to take care of, she had college courses that ran her ragged, she had a job about which she prided herself on how efficiently she managed those properties: she had this, she had that …. she had a life!

Well, no more.

Yesterday Michelle, either intentionally or accidentally, died of an overdose—alcohol with pills on top, a lethal cocktail.

I dedicate this post today to my friend Michelle, who couldn’t make the journey: learning to live in the Light. It’s a very sad thing, losing someone who struggled so hard with addictions. For any of you struggling with life-threatening traits, please read the “page” on the right hand side of my blog: look for “Letter to a Friend who Still Suffers”…..and maybe you’ll find some solace, or a bit of inspiration.

For me, I’ve picked out a crystal that I shall call “Michelle.” It’s very small, a hazy amethyst color with obfuscations, yet it has clearly delineated facets. Kind of like my friend Michelle, who was sharp and smart in so many ways, yet cloudy about her ability, or her “right,” or her “need” to embrace the Light in order to combat the darkness that haunted her. Instead of polishing her rough spots, and accepting that she wasn’t perfect (who is?) she….couldn’t bear it.

She was actively “trying” but….trying isn’t enough! In order to survive addiction, in order to immerse ourselves in the concept of “living in the Light” we must just THROW ourselves into the LIGHT, and live according to the rule that: for every action there’s a reaction. It’s that simple. But Michelle, God Bless Her, just didn’t believe it, couldn’t “get” it….and we’ll never know why. She was going to meetings. She even was sponsoring someone. She had the “Talk”….but talk is cheap. She just couldn’t jive her walk with her talk, and couldn’t be honest—not with those who tried to help her—not with her own self either. Inside her heart, I know, Michelle never stopped racing around, trying to succeed, be the best mom, be the smartest college student, and think it out, feel it out, sit with life long enough to really, honestly, truly believe she was capable of living in the Light. In Spirit. She allowed the dark to overcome her, because she couldn’t trust her higher nature. The same nature we all share, as spiritual beings living a human life. I mourn for Michelle’s weakness. But her tragic end is a warning to all of us who don’t believe how very important it is to live the Highest that we can—and work for whatever happiness or spiritual fulfillment we desire. It’s ALL possible, if we want it.

My mother, at 91, is alive, and will continue expertly throwing her castnet even with her newly blinded vision. Michelle—barely 40, with a four-year-old toddler wondering how the world will ever be safe again—took herself out, unable to bear the pain of her humanness.

I will cherish this crystal that I hold in my hand. It is symbolic of Michelle’s soul. I feel how that part of her being is now merging back into the Source from which she, and you, and I—and All come from. And then, after a few days of infusing this crystal with my thoughts, my prayers, my intentions, I will walk to the ocean’s edge and toss it as far as I can into the waves of the Atlantic as they burst upon the shores of this glorious earth we live upon.

the continuation of life....the ouroboros

And this, is life.

in the Light, lordflea, singing the song of Oneness, and I hope you’re joining me wherever you are. Take a moment and breathe in the Light….and exhale, and join your breath with all. We Are One.

Oneness Messenger

The Ouroboros is a very ancient symbol, depicting a snake in the shape of a circle, eating its own tail.

Yeah, that’s great Josh.  So what?

Well, to me it represents something else, that I’d like to share with you.

Traditionally, the symbol signifies the cyclical nature of things.  The eater is also eaten, and is reborn through the process.

Jung saw it as the feedback process of life.  In human psychology, it would be the assimilation of the “shadow” side of the personality into a cycle of continuing psychological rebirth.

But, just as a hammer only sees nails, I see “systems” in this symbol.

The only reason that a human being would create a symbol like the Ouroboros (and it wasn’t just one, many cultures used this symbol), was if they saw it in nature.  Of course, the “ancients” paid much more attention to natural cycles than we do now, and put much more emphasis on those cycles in daily life (often of necessity – farming requires delicate attention to changes in annual cycles).

The only way they could recognize the cycle outside of themselves, was if they experienced it on some level internally.

The Ouroboros represents the nature of any system.

Any energy fed into a system, automatically is used to reinforce that system.

Now, here’s a “for instance.”

Production (in terms of industrial production, as we use it now) increases the incidence of cancer.

In the system that is the concept of life-via/as/through-production, the solution to cancer must be…

production.

That is, a solution must be produced!  Something must be made to cure the cancer!

The “cure” in such a system is found in pharmaceuticals, radiation treatment, etc.

But those systems require “production” – in a very real, very industrial sense.

They feed directly into the systemic pollution that (actually) caused the cancer to begin with.

The snake eats its tail.

My Knee Is Killlllling Me!

^ It smokes 6 packs a day, double unfiltered,¹ turning my pantsleg into a flaming Chamber of Stinkrets!

^ It does whippets like it’s a dystopian future in which, on the rare occasions you must travel to the Outground, the ‘Mild-Moderate Brain Damage Guaranteed’ you by huffing whippets is infinitely preferable to ingesting the actual air.

^ It is strategically killing off its own (stupid) muscles in an effort to flood my blood with myoglobin in an attempt to fail my kidneys.

^ Is there even muscle(s) in the knee?

^ It talked me into seeing Man on Wire and then convinced me that we could do that. And then– when we were on the wire– it buckled!

^ It talked me into seeing the short-lived 2007 ABC remake of The Bionic Woman and then convinced me that if I got into a car crash we could become the Bionic Woman. Now I have metal bazooms!

^ It talked me into seeing The Ugly Truth– it was SO BAD. Yeesh!.

^ It requires/has blackmailed me into feeding it so much opium (just to stop it from hurting me) that I got addicted to opium! And then, when I was trying to get some more opium (to feed my opium addiction), I got shot in the chest! With a gun!

^ Because I was stealing their opium!

^ It placed orders for suspicious amounts of fertilizer, ammonium nitrate, wait that’s fertilizer, gasoline, some other things probably, and cotton?– suspicious insofar as how small/individually-sized the order was./!

^ It has been making footsteps at night, moving paintings and stealing brooches, fucking around with the lights, watch fob is involved, cruelly playing off my Munchausen-by-proxy– which I revealed to it in confidence!.²

^ Its ambulatory worthlessness has lead to increased bus travel; increased weight on buses leads to increased use of fuel, greater amount of fuel consumed, and more harmful CO2 emissions released. Already scarce oil reserves deplete 2.9 attoseconds faster, Earth warms 1.6 zeptodegrees hotter; death = still inevitable.

^ Take my knee… to the doctor, please!

^ It keeps telling me logical paradoxes in a feeble attempt to overwhelm my sophisticated neural network. Puny knee– where does it say that liars lie all the time! Or, if you did stipulate that liars lie all the time, the statement could just be false! The fact that one member of a subset is a liar implies nothing about the rest of the members of that subset!³ You idiot!

^ It invented a Perpetual Immobility Machine by being genetically weak and thus causing near-imperceptible over-reliance on the right foot. (It is the left knee). Thus, when the right foot gets injured, and it is forced to carry more than its weight, AND– when combined with a concurrence of events, habits, and lifestyle choices that make it seem as if I ‘Were Trying To Invent Runner’s Knee– Like In A Lab Or Something,’– it sets up an infinitely replenishing cycle of injury, dependent-weakening convalescence, recovery/injury of dependent appendage, over-reliance-upon during opposing appendage’s convalescence, and, finally, reinjury.⁴

Les Mystères de la franc-maçonnerie dévoilés

I have referred to him minimally in my work though he looms large in my mind. Lord Zero is a tittle of my own coinage, but he is known throughout history and mythology by many names. The Ouroboros in Egypt, the Sanskrit Anant, Indian Supreme Brahman or Hindu goddess Aditi are a few prominent examples. My personal favorite representations for this inconceivable concept would have to be Cthulhu and Tiamat. All of these names refer in some way to infinity. To attach male or female associations to such a concept may be a bit of an unavoidable error, as infinity would include both male and female aspects, and may lie beyond such dualistic thinking. For me infinity relates to the Hindu or Hermetic myths of the world egg from which chaos and ether arise. The egg broken and duality becomes manifest, spirit-matter becomes spirit and matter, male and female, light and dark, ad infinitum. Another important correlation to consider is the division between the conscious and subconscious mind, as we know in this instance, each counterpart is but an aspect of the other, much like the left and right hemispheres of the brain. When it comes to our brain we are less prone to let such a division elude us from the essence of it’s totality, as we generally consider it a unit, a whole, a sum. All of this says to me that the sum of our reality stems from this elusive and ungraspable concept of infinity. The closest conception of “god” I can fathom. I use that word as far removed from the myriad of common religious connotations associated as possible. Essentially, infinity was divided and polarity became manifest, I see this as the basis of our experience of “reality”. Essentially we are “god”, we are infinity- but in order to engender experience, duality was a necessity. As Bill Hicks put it brilliantly.. “We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves.” Duality may be a necessary illusion, but an illusion none the less, all is one and it’s only a ride. As we emerge from the darkness of this illusion we are becoming more aware of the interconnected nature that underlies our reality. I find this apparent in the frequency in which I see the idea being presented in various forums and other media occurrences. Another instance that bares evidence of this to me is the deterioration of the solid traditional male and female roles in society. That is not to say we are headed toward some bleak asexual future. Masculinity and femininity are principals not absolutes. regardless of our inherent gender, we all enact and utilize each of these seeming opposites. Receptive and assertive principals are apparent constantly in conversation; one listening one speaking. As you read this you are essentially enacting the feminine principal regardless of your gender. The essentiality of this dynamic interplay permeates every aspect of existence, and stems back from the throne of Lord Zero, as I have written in my poems. I have also stated that I am but a fool, as the fool represents infinity and absolute potentiality. We are all this fool, the trickster whom tricked ourself into the delight of existence.

“WALTER: Huh?  Oh, him, yeah.  Well I  don’t see, um– what exactly is the problem?

DUDE: Huh?  The problem is–what do you mean what’s the–there’s no–we didn’t–they’re gonna kill that poor woman–”

-The Big Lebowski

Perhaps they’re a little more media-savvy than their WorldNetDaily-inspired faculty peers, but the grad-student-led Arizona Student, Faculty and Staff Solidarity (ASFSS) still has a thing or two to learn about successful campaigns. For starters: never, ever, ever launch anything on a Friday afternoon – for I am News Cycle, Destroyer of Attentions. This is another way of saying that Your Working Boy was too drunk and too focused on 8-bit Big Ten Network online streams to possibly do anything productive. So it goes.

To the organizers’ credit, their event drew decent numbers – the “more than 50″ number offered in the Wildcat’s coverage seems like the responsible underestimation. Yet the organizers of the group savaged into the paper’s coverage for other reasons – specifically, ASFSS resented the earlier gist maintaining that the attendees were “enthusiastic” about a walk-out.

For all the indignation expressed in the comments at the initial coverage, is it possible that the reporter was confused because the rhetoric of the event was, err, confused? Swine flu may be the hit of the year, but the plague of logorrhoea continues to run rampant through graduate students and faculty. There definitely were students who wanted to walkout, and who expressed so vocally. There were also instructors who wanted a “teach-in” (ouroboros watch!), while co-organizer Jenny McCormack favorably cited a “mock funeral procession.” Meanwhile, co-organizer Conor Cash echoed the Facebook group in citing  “solidarity with the UC system,” which is staging a walkout. (By the way, notice how these graduate students had the cajones to release their names in a very public article.)

Rather than leaving with a clear sense of purpose, this outside observer was left wondering: “What, exactly, is this group protesting?” Take the picture featured on the Wildcat’s article: “HAY: WE ARE MORE THAN MARS AND MIRRORS.” Here we have a reiteration of many of the complaints found at the Defender and at last Wednesday’s GPSC meeting – differential cuts are unfair, Hay is an ineffective/impolite provost, and more transparency and “awareness” are needed in the Transformation process. Yet if you look at the flier that has just been released for the group’s next event (see right), the rhetoric instead echoes the rhetoric of the ASA “DETH March” of last term, with its aims directed at the state legislators and budgetary cuts. By tying the event in with the UC system, this focus of the protest becomes solidarity with other disaffected university members  – call them the Deux-Mille-Neufers - who want to see “change” in the system. Luckily, though, the organizers of this event won’t fall into the trap that ASA did, organizing a multi-campus field trip to Phoenix that ended with an even deeper cut to higher education than was being considered at the time. This is because the higher education budget, for all intents and purposes, is a moot issue. No new cuts are in the works, because the state government is focused only a few issues (such as the sales tax), in an attempt to finally come to a budget agreement.

The only common thread between these issues is the fact that (some) graduate students and faculty don’t like what his happened so far in this New Era.  No one has at made it clear what Meredith Hay has to do with California’s budgetary EPIC FAIL. If the issue is the lack of money devoted to higher education (never mind the rising appropriations since 2002), then these members should be pushing for higher tuition and fees to fund their priorities. Instead, rising tuition is cited as one of the problems, and that this particular revenue stream needs to be slowed or frozen. This requires the state to increase its own revenue – which means more taxes. Now, it would at least be intellectually honest – perhaps, transparent – to see a rally supporting higher taxes in Arizona. Yet unlike walkouts and “national solidarity,” this proposal was not offered at the Friday meeting.

Like the Dude, that archetype for the 60s Leftist out of time and place, these organizers are probably right in asserting that something has gone amuck. But also like the Dude, the Deux-Mille-Neufers find themselves incapable of packaging a message, of spelling out exactly what is wrong, and what specific remedies should be implemented in response. One attendee argued that the organizers “need to build [their] case from the courtroom backwards.” Unfortunately, this strategy has been nixed in favor of what is sure to be yet another ineffectual pseudo-rally on the Mall. Meanwhile, the GPSC President David Talenfeld – whose organization opted instead for a letter stating specific, identifiable demands – got himself a face-to-face meeting with President Shelton.

Excelente vídeo realizado en stopmotion por el no menos sorprendente e inspirador artista urbano Sam3.

“Dedicado a toda la gente que aparece sin permiso”. Delicioso.

OUROBOROS from sam3 on Vimeo.

by Sam3

Stop motion filmed in Berlin

September/November 2008

music by Bijan Cheminari / Noh Zarbi album Eos

http://www.sam3.es

http://sam3.es/projects/2008/ouroboros.html

Once again, you get to learn how much I pay attention in my classes. I mean, I do (pay attention). But I also think about other things. Multitasking! Everyone does it! *grin*

So here is a cute poem I wrote during 17th Century literature last night.

I filled my house with marvelous beasts

But they’re such a chore to house and feast.

The dragon snores and fires the drapes.

The zombies eat my guests and traipse

About the house, losing limbs. The Cerberus

Is just impossible to feed three times, the ouroboros

Is always in the way and chewing on himself,

And the banschee wails when I’m off my health.

The brownies try to keep the whole place clean

But hydras bite, and orcs are just plain mean.

So if you think you want a myth menagerie,

Think again, or come borrow one from me.

I’ll give it to you cheap, for a song

And all the noisome fairies will sing along.

And by the time you realize you’re caught.

I’ll be long gone.

I really wrote this poem because I’ve been wanting to legitimately use the word “ouroboros” in a story or a poem for quite some time now (okay, this week). It’s actually the fancy-shmancy name for that serpent in alchemy that’s chewing on it’s own tail (must have horrible heart and tail burn) and I learned that skimming a mediocre paranormal romance this summer. I actually had a legitimate analogy in a story (poor Saul’s guilt ate at him like a serpent eating it’s own tail, never ending and never getting better) but . . . Saul’s vocabulary isn’t as advanced as mine, and even as an omniscient narrator I couldn’t justify the use without more context clues, and the context clues would have completely messed up the depressed flow of the thing, so I couldn’t.

I’m still not completely satisfied (I feel like the ouroboros is so weird that it deserves an entire, serious/depressed story/poem just for itself) but this poem also taught me a new word that previously I had assumed meant something completely different. In searching for the correct spelling of noisome (which I had previously believed meant “noisy and irritating”) I learned that it actually means “having an extremely offensive smell” “disagreeable, unpleasant” or “harmful, noxious.” So, now I’m happy, because I have new words which, like candy, I can munch on for quite a while.

They say that you can learn new words every day, but that’s not really true. New, really cool words only come once in a while, like stars, and then I have to use them. Like mordacious. I love love that word so much, but when can you seriously use it in a sentence? Or legerdemain. Eleemosynary? These are so amazing, coming up out of the page (or the screen) and adding flavor to the world. Like garlic salt. Not for everyone, but sometimes it just adds that extra “whoa” to the meal. 

Yesterday was a really good day, I’m looking forward to this weekend, and I wrote a new long story that we’re going to workshop on Tuesday, and that Oseike has read and likes. Unfortunately, I don’t like to post homework up here while it’s still being graded and jazz like that (I don’t want to even have to fight the shadow of the plagiarism monster). Maybe next semester!

Öncelikle anime bölümleri hakkında bir bilgilendirme yapalım. İlk DVD internete düştü fakat Blu-ray henüz ortalarda yok, dolayısıyla elimiz kolumuz bağlı bekliyoruz. Fakat biz de beklemekten sıkıldığımız için artık dayanamayıp ilk sunumumuzu gerçekleştiriyoruz: Blind Alchemist! Kendisini aşağıdaki adresten indirip okuyabilirsiniz:

Kor_Simyaci_[Ouroboros][PNG_775x1200].rar (7.25 megabyte)

Spoiler yeme korkusuyla okumaktan çekinmenize gerek yok, zira Kör Simyacı bir yan hikâye (gaiden) ve animenin/manganın ilk birkaç bölümünde öğrendikleriniz haricinde herhangi bir spoiler içermiyor. Ayrıca daha önce manga okumamış olanlar için hatırlatalım; Japonca yazılar sütunlar halinde yazılıp sağdan sola okunduğundan manga da sağdan sola okunuyor. ^^

Esas mangayla ilgili olarak bir de açıklama yapmak istiyoruz. Geçtiğimiz ay içerisinde “Onu da yapalım! Evet evet, onu da yapmalıyız!” moduna girip gerekli gereksiz her şeye el attığımızı fark ettik. Çok gaz insanlarız vesselam. Bir şey daha fark ettik ki o da manga çevirmenin tahmin ettiğimizden daha zor değil ama daha çok zaman alan bir uğraş olduğuydu. Blind Alchemist’i çevirirken doğrudan Japonca taramaları kullandık ve bilumum temizlik ve düzenleme işlemlerini kendimiz gerçekleştirdik, ki Türkçe manga çeviri gruplarının çoğu tarafından ne yazık ki atlanan bir aşama bu. Doğrudan hazır temizlenip düzenlenmiş İngilizce çevirilerdeki balonların üzerini boyayıp Türkçe karşılıklarını yazmak açıkçası bizi tatmin edecek bir uğraş değil. Tamamını kendimiz yapmak için de yeterli zamanımız yok. Halihazırda yalnızca iki kişiden oluşan ve birimizin bir buçuk kişilik iş yaptığı bir grubuz, hem okuyor hem çalışıyoruz, Türkçeye çevirmekte olduğumuz tek şey Fullmetal Alchemist değil, ve teorik olarak bir de sosyal hayatımız var. Ayrıca elimizdeki mangaları tararken kenarları kıvrılacak, ortası açılacak iz kalacak diye korkuyoruz. ^^;

Özetle el attığımız işleri biraz sınırlandırmaya, daha az ve öz çalışmaya karar verdik. Şu anki planımız zaman buldukça ana hikâyenin haricindeki hoşumuza giden manga, short novel, fan fiction gibi bilumum ekstra şeyi Türkçeye çevirmek. FMA ile ilgili her şey ilgi alanımızın içerisinde, çevirmemizi istediğiniz bir şey olursa bizi dürtebilirsiniz. Grubumuzun kuruluş amacını oluşturan Brotherhood’un çevirisiyle ilgili planlarda ise herhangi bir değişiklik yok. Blu-ray’ler çıktıkça İTÜ Otaku‘nun da yardımıyla arşivinize layık sunumlar gerçekleştirmeye devam edeceğiz.

Bu arada internete bir bakındık, mangayı çeviren Türk grupların da olduğunu gördük. Her ne kadar az önce de belirttiğimiz üzere çoğu grup gibi birkaç aşamayı atlıyor olsalar da gayet okunabilir başarılı çalışmalar var. Yanılmıyorsak (yanılıyorsak düzeltebilirsiniz) ilk çeviriyi Ani-Station grubu gerçekleştirmiş, ama 3. ciltten sonra bırakmışlar. Anianka grubu 23. bölüme kadar gelmiş ve kaldığı yerden mnaki grubu devralmış, ki onlar da biz bu yazıyı yazdığımız sırada 52. bölüme ulaşmışlar ve tam gaz devam ediyorlar. İnternet üzerinden okumak veya indirmek için ilgili Manga Helpers sayfasını kullanabilirsiniz. Evet, en azından ana hikâye için bizden hayır yok. (:

and she turned to him ………………….and he turned to her,
and said, do not desire me;…………….and said, my goddess, my darling, you
desire that which ………………………………are perfect; perfect because
you lack, and see in me, and……………you do not
create your own………………………………….stop there, but every day redefine
goddesses any time and place ………..it.  this is why
you go, …………………..3…………………………i desire you,

It becomes apparent, from this enjoyable dig through the Wildcat vault, that some things never, ever change:

The pages of the Wildcat in those days featured Young Republicans accusing the Campus Democrats of socialism, angry letter writers charging the Wildcat with dropping the ball on a news story and a good, old-fashioned ASUA election scandal.

. . .

In the same issue, the Wildcat reported that a cow named Daisy from the UA’s Dairy Research Center nearly won the election for Homecoming queen as a write-in candidate and protest against ASUA and dirty campaign tactics. However, the student government’s elections chairman refused to count the ballots.

The Desert Lamp would like to preemptively announce its endorsement of all bovine candidates, in all elections, ever. Same goes for ostriches.

For other dispatches on Man’s cyclical fate, read here, here, and here. Image courtesy of the Flickr Commons.

As odd as this may seem, this page is getting a co-host. Viri Cordova, known to role playing enthusiasts as the mastermind behind Bard of Valiant, is of a similar age to myself and has been living through not-dissimilar life issues. She expressed a desire to blog about food, real life, and other non-gaming stuff, so I invited her over. so when you see someone other than me occasionally posting on this site, don’t freak out! Just welcome her and try to give her less grief than you give to me.

It’s been a while since I did one of these updates, so here we go.

UncleBear is my roleplaying game blog, one of Five Great Blogs About Role-Playing according to WIRED, currently undergoing a paradigm shift.

BerinKinsman.com is my personal blog, currently redirecting to WordPress.

I’m the Phoenix RPG Examiner for Examiner.com, covering the Arizona gaming scene.

I’m a recurring guest on the Pulp Gamer Media Network’s Out of Character podcast.

My normal contact information can always be found here.

I’m one of 100 Geeks You Should Be Following on Twitter according to WIRED, and you can Direct Message me via my Twitter Account.

I have a Facebook account, as well as an UncleBear fan page., where you can reach me.

I’m a Marshal for the Southern Arizona Gamers Association, and can often be found at SAGA events.

On the 1st Saturday of each month, I’ll be at the Tucson RPG Guild.

On the 3rd Saturday of each month, I’ll be at Ides of Gaming.

On October , I’ll be at RinCon 2009.

For the moment, I am taking internet access off my phone to avoid distractions to productivity. If you contact me by email, Twitter or Facebook I will respond but probably not right away. If you need to reach me with some sense of urgency, it’s best to text me.

…insert verb here.  I wasn’t looking/thinking/paying attention when out of the blue, my pal Jo asked, very quietly, if Carolee and I would like to be editors on her beautiful, gorgeous literary journal ouroboros review.  I expected fanfare!  Loud trumpets!  An Ed McMann look-alike at the door with balloons and flowers!

This is a dream come true.  Very much like when I stumbled on the building for rent that would eventually become my art studio.  I had always daydreamed about opening a children’s art gallery.  Then it just happened.  Well, I have always daydreamed about being an editor of a literary journal.  I have been bugging Carolee for years to start one with me. 

The Details…Christine Swint, the other founder (along with Jo) of ouroboros, is heading back to school for her MFA (lucky, lucky!).  This led to her very tough decision to step down from editing the journal.  Life changes, timing, instant karma…Jo had a need for some assistance and the rest is…well, not history, but (hopefully) a beautiful future!

Please check out the current (and past) issues of ouroboros.  It’s gorgeous!

PS: Ironically, I just realized, we are, all three of us…suburban mothers.  But we are so much more!

New Blog is At www.comecloser.com/blog

The streaming songs work there.

1) Prelude: The Gentle Art of Not Forgetting 1:38

This song was available on the 2006 compilation `Abandoned In Situ.’ So you regulars out there, I am sorry that the first thing you are hearing is something you already own.

The Hot Attic of Despair

When I listen to this track, I remember being in my attic (I lived in the attic in my parent’s house) and playing the piano part. I remember the Green and Orange signal level lights on the Tascam 4 Track jumping up and down.

I remember the oppressive New Jersey heat and humidity, the sweat dripping off my nose onto the white keyboard keys. I had an air conditioner that only cooled 1 square foot of the room and I was 20 feet away. Average temperature in the summer was about 110 degrees in that attic.

Despite the heat, I loved that attic. It had dark brown faux wood beams and a cathedral-style ceiling. It kind of looked like an old rustic Swiss tavern. In better times, it was a great haven. I was fortunate to have spent my `tender years’ in such swanky digs.

It was mid-week and I was absorbed in my microcosm until the weekend job; which consisted of lugging musical gear up and down Interstate 95 for a tribute band. Where would I be this week? Poughkeepsie? Providence? Vermont? They were all the same to me. Except for West Virginia.

I really wanted to be on stage, interact with a crowd, not behind the scenes setting up drums and lights. I couldn’t free myself to be on stage, I couldn’t free myself to connect with others. After the hours of setting up gear, I spent the duration of the show watching the band, wishing I was playing. No one’s fault but my own. It was all there for the taking but I was too stupid and proud to go for it.

Same Day, Everyday.

I don’t need specific memories to know that I was miserable at that time. Every week day I felt I was sitting around with a steel box encasing my head. Too crippled to go out THERE and do anything or interact with anyone. So I stayed in my attic; recording this thing that I felt had profound power. I felt it had purpose.

It wasn’t heartbreak that was consuming me when I wasn’t recording. It was the lack of control I had over the situation; and the complete inability to govern my emotions in order to move on. Or perhaps I had too much control and was the one responsible for setting all the negative incidences in motion?

Or maybe, just maybe, New Jersey girls are simply insane. You’ve heard the stories…

It angered me knowing that the girls of Orchid (We will call them Flower #1 thru #3 respectively.) were having a better more fulfilling life than I. Especially that they helped facilitate this state, alongside my immaturity and inexperience.

To know that anyone with basic motor functions could sense the despair and desperation sweating out of me was disheartening. And somehow I maintained a personality that was a hybrid of rotten meat and narcissism.

Recollection

I do recall that this introduction was written a few weeks after the completion of `Orchid.’ For whatever reason, I thought `Orchid’ needed a proper introduction. And for the past few hours I was wondering what that reason was. While in my zeal of beating up my junior self, I thought I created the prelude to show off the theme of `Orchid’ and how clever I was to build the entire album around it. The more I think about it, the creation came about because I was simply playing the piano on that June day. I have faint recollections of `hey, that’s pretty nice.’

I know I somewhat improvised the introduction with no metronome/click track or MIDI. The synth Glockenspiel (which sounds NOTHING like a glockenspiel) is awkward with its interplay to the Korg Barely Sounds Like A Piano Piano sound.

The `soaring’ distortion sound at the end plays a big role on `Orchid.’ You will hear it quite a bit in other tracks. It’s a sonic motif that I think was meant to represent a sort of screaming soul. It was a subconscious move on my part to use this distortion as the main orator of my emotions.

Regardless if my intention was to be brilliant and clever, I still like this introduction. Personally, I believe this piece tells more of the story and emotional state than the remainder of the album.

In the background you can hear an almost buzzing pulse. If you turn it up loud, you’ll hear that it’s a distorted piano. This was not intentional. What you are hearing is tape bleed from the song `Where We Rest.’ The very end of `Where We Rest’ actually.

Either I was too lazy or couldn’t afford more cassettes to record on. So I just recorded over what I had.

That tape bleed makes the song. It’s something out of the Pink Floyd playbook.

The beginning meets the end. There we go again: Ouroboros.

Bonus Track: The Gentle Art of Not Forgetting – 2009 Version (Unfinished)

I mentioned in my first post that re-recording `Orchid’ in 2009 was a rather miserable and pointless endeavor. Below is the unfinished version of `The Gentle Art of Not Forgetting’ which was done only a few weeks ago. As you will hear, all the `accoutrements’ are missing. It’s just a Piano, Celeste and Glockenspiel.

I was unable to re-create that Screaming Distortion sound because I no longer have a Korg 01/W (now back with its rightful owner.) Not being able to properly re-create or replace that sound was the definitive end. While I could have obtained this keyboard, I was not motivated to do so.

Korg 01/W: Workstation, Sequencer, Trusted Companion

My new blog is at www.comecloser.com/blog

August 2009 is the 10^th anniversary of the `Orchid’ demo. It was considered my first `real’ work and considered by some to be my best. (Though I vehemently disagree)

For the next 19 weekdays, I will be releasing, each day, a track from this demo. I’m going to share my recollections behind each song, some opinions as well as talk about my life at that time.

At the end of the 19 days, the CD version will be available to buy. It will be a 2 CD collection. Disc 1 will be the 75 minute demo. Disc 2 will be all the outtakes and fragments.

Being that it hasn’t been released for a decade, `Orchid’ is unfinished business. While I have felt that `Torched Laughter’ is a sort of `final chapter’ to this part of my life, `Orchid’ is Ouroboros. We come to the beginning again.

It’s time to give this piece of work it’s due, YET, put it in proper perspective. A lot of what I will be reflecting on will be quite uncomfortable for me.

How `Orchid’ Will Be Posted:

The day that each post and song is due, I am going to listen to each song cold. Whatever memory pops in my head I will write it down. None of these posts will be planned. `Orchid’ was a spontaneous, albeit flawed, experience. It is appropriate to approach each recollection and song the same way.

After the jump is an FAQ, and some scattered thoughts.

Questions About `Orchid:’

If you have any additional questions, please leave a comment. I will answer as truthfully as my ego allows.

Why was it never released?

1) It’s a demo. The recording quality is horrific. The performances were exceedingly worse. I never thought the spirit and intent of the piece would outshine these basic fundamental flaws. To this day I feel this way. When I listened to `Orchid’ I always heard what it SHOULD be, not what it really is. You can’t be expected to do the same.

2) Almost every attempt at re-recording could never capture the emotional state. I have made 3 attempts at re-recording `Orchid’ and each attempt drifted more towards sterility. And those attempts will be posted.

3) For every opportunity that there was to record and release it, there were newer and fresher ideas to do. I eventually took re-recording `Orchid’ as a symbolic affront. The act negates the principle of personal “progress.” I have ruthlessly beaten myself up through the years trying to push my being forward.

Why Release It Now?

The world likes round numbers. Pythagoras liked the number 10 a lot. Lastly, a synergy occurred where those who nagged me about it and my desire to terminate my current incarnation culminated. It’s unfinished business.

I am flattered that some people still want this album. But I think the interested parties are too emotionally invested in `Orchid.’ Without knowing the process and the story behind making it, it lacks the impact I sought to make. Again, just my opinion.

Despite teasing pieces of `Orchid’ over the years and mythologizing it like a sacred lost scroll, it has been a hermetically sealed skeleton of my past that is full of flaws, misguided ideas, and an inconceivable amount of emotional anguish and artistic frustration. Why not air these grievances against myself? Enough time has passed.

Lastly, I don’t have anything new that I want to release under `Christopher’ in 2009. Might as well get this out of the way until I figure out what I want to do next.

Why is it called `Orchid?’

3 women, 3 relationships with the flower. 2 had tattoos of them on their bodies. 1 of them drew these flowers constantly (and ended up being the original demo cover to be posted later on) It was a common affinity that didn’t go unnoticed. Being that `Orchid’ is a concept record that consolidates these 3 relationships into one mega relationship of misery and self pity, it made perfect sense to use this flower as the archetype.

While in this day and age you could probably go to www.girlswithorchidtattoos.com and see how un-unique and unimaginative some women are, back then before complete internet overkill the recurrence of this flower seemed quite sublime.

It really didn’t occur to me that the majority of girls on earth simply LIKE flowers. This basic truism totally escaped me and probably was a key indicator why I ended up in unfortunate situations involving estrogen. But this is a good thing. If not for this obliviousness, I probably would have ended up naming the album I’LL KILL YOU CUNT.

No apostrophe.

In the end, the parallels and causality of the 3 women were consolidated into one relationship; taking experiences and elements of each to create the Uber Misery Relationship that is `Orchid.’

How `Orchid’ Was Recorded Since It’s Too Dreadful to Be Released?

It was your typical 4 Track Cassette Demo. In the 90’s, a Tascam 4 Track Cassette machine was my best friend to record ideas and to deal with being a wayward self-important soul.

Sound samples (like `When The Levee Breaks’) were recorded onto a Minidisc player because the computer didn’t have enough room to hold a sound longer than a minute.

After they were edited on the 386 computer and looped for minutes. Then I would manually sync the Minidisc to the 4 track. I would start the loop about 30 seconds before it was supposed to come in because I would be adjusting the speed of the tape until it matched up. That’s why when you listen to `Orchid’ you hear samples that fall out of time. The first 2 minutes of `My Love’ is a great example of not being able to sync up the tape to the Minidisc.

I didn’t have the technical understanding to buy a bigger hard drive so I could actually record on the computer. I was on the road making a 100 dollars a week lugging musical instruments around that were not my own.

Why Didn’t You Re-Record `Orchid’ Properly?

There were 3 attempts to re-record `Orchid.’

The 1^st attempt was that same summer of 1999 at the insistence of a friend. I cannot clearly remember. But I do remember commuting to 2 different Studios twice a week in Wesley Hills and New Paltz, New York. I saved and spent every cent to my name trying to get the most rudimentary stuff done. It took weeks and hundreds of dollars just to synchronize the samples to the music. Neither studio had the proper facilities to do this type of thing at the time. It was my own ignorance that financially killed the `Orchid’ re-recording. I couldn’t afford to buy the DAT tapes that I recorded to.

2^nd attempt was when I procured my first Pentium Computer with enough power to record music on it. This attempt was partially successful; `Longing Is…’ `Inside This Place’ `The Taste,’ `Entranced 3.0’ ended up replacing the inferior originals. I was working on my `official’ debut `wer Next Projekt’ at the same time and descending even further into misery; I was resistive to doing anymore `Orchid’ work. Wounds were still fresh and way too attached to the emotions.

The 3^rd and last attempt at recording Orchid was just prior to this release. It was my intention to release `Orchid’ as a 2 disc set: Old and new versions together. But as the recording process went on (for just a week) I felt I was wasting my time. It was ugly, turbulent with a subtext of listlessness. I had a feeling of peace when I stopped and decided to just release the original demo. There is no more to add to an already finished story. The re-recording had a distasteful tinge of nostalgia to it.

I ended up re-recording 2 tracks partially: `The Gentle Art of Not Forgetting’ and `Entranced 1.0.’ While the new versions were better sounding than the original and have an air of mature arrangement, they lacked the spirit and intent that made `Orchid’ what it was: Classical angst-ridden heartbreak.

Reflections

Honestly, there are several moments on `Orchid’ that give me uncomfortable feelings. I think the clinical term is `Douche Chill.’ I will point them all out as we go through each song together. I hope to be able to present a balanced view of the album, but there is a lot on there that I think was lazy, inexcusable shit.

In Closing:

Tomorrow begins our journey through `Orchid.’ Just like the album, we are going to ease into the process. Start small, and eventually get to big, more sordid and histrionic experiences.