It seems like eons since the last time this blog has been updated, well, no, not really. After all there’s nothing worth to be said, at this present moment, I just feel like jotting down my non-sense in here, so just bandwagon ayt!

So Christmas has passed, without me noticing it, for the nth year of my life. This feeling doesn’t concern gifts, no not at all; undoubtedly it’s not the reason. Christmas simply doesn’t feel like Christmas here…I so miss Christmas in my country where you feel it months before the actual day, the family thing, the reunion, the day after day preparations and so the kids going here and there during the actual day of Christmas from the very first hours of the day. Something I can’t have here, it seems that Christmas here is all about, oh I can’t say…of course family but there’s always something missing, something different from the Christmases I was used to when I was a child, perhaps, now this is what I’ve got so peace…hope to celebrate the Christmas back home soon…

So I’ve been a prisoner at our place for days already, and it’s driving me crazy I would say! That’s why there’s nothing to be written actually, I’ve been at our place doing nothing except for eating and imagine my status now…easy, now instead of walking I’d rather roll! Apart from that, my passivity is not the only thing that is driving me crazy, besides I keep my mind working with my readings and you can only imagine which places I’ve visited thanks to them, perhaps I can jot you down something about them some other time. I can’t stand my upstairs neighbors anymore, there’s a limit to everything! It’s a chaos everyday, they’ve been arranging their home for weeks already and I don’t think they’re not done yet. They won’t stop moving their furniture, nailing stuff in their wall, which they bore at who cares what time of the day, they start very early in the morning and finish at the wee hours of the night. Can someone please save me from this hell of mine! Of course, we phoned the administrator, but till now, nothing has changed unfortunately and I’m on my way to my insanity, damn! I’ve never wanted to live in a condo, I’m working to get use to it, but one thing is clear in my mind; once I can manage my own place, I’ll buy a villa, a one family villa and I don’t care about the maintenance of it, it would be a real pleasure to dedicate my time to place where no one bothers me because human beings just ignore the well being of any other and I had enough, enough, enough!

As I’m in a randomness state, here’s a photo! I’ve taken it during one of my trips to Strasbourg last year (or maybe I can now say two years ago, anyway in 2008). I really don’t know what it represents to me and I don’t know what title to give. I’m not a smoker myself, but it amazes me, sorry, it sometimes amazes me to see the satisfaction that this small piece of junk gives to its users. I have maybe a couple or three pictures concerning this subject (of smoking) maybe I can do a series. Nothing really, I think I’ve been lucky when I took this one, I like its trim, that’s all…

1. Being a party person
2. The costumes
3. The dancing – half  I’m faded, half  I barely give a fuck, half bitches come
4. Martian Viking with Vocoder
5. Sweet enormous glasses
6. Psychadelic Francis Drake
7. Spastic floor tremors
8. Flying elbow
9. Partying in a gym
10. Members only jackets
11. Is that Wanda Sykes?
12. Dope ass hats
13. Rockin no stoppin
14. B-boy smackdancing
15. Space Bedouin rock out
16. Tagging
17. (Presumably) Non-gay man-on-man B-boy teabagging (ok, I dont really care for this one – just the gay type with Mike)
18. Being a baby

Man I suck

The feeling that everything is going out of someone’s control is very far from being pleasant. It’s not really nice especially when that someone tries to figure out everything dissecting every pro and every con before making his move. Alas, I’m one of those who freak out when they feel like their control over things is simply not working and that perhaps time is a much stronger entity that their ability to plan every single step and when to make one after the other. It feels really bad when this feeling arises, thus, this is so normal…we’re simply human beings and being out of control is in our nature.

Lately, there’s nothing in my control! My agenda is practically blank; to be honest it is completely blank! I can barely fin myself busy; as you can remember I’m a youth-out-of-school in these days, and yeah I’m still looking for a job but it seems like I’m not suitable for anything ‘cause I end up having the first interviews without closing anything positively, and for positive I mean signing a decent and legal contract and this turns me in a really bad mood…not that I care that much, but I don’t want to be used to doing nothing, being a sort of couch is so boring! I have to invent some past times and sometimes I also turn to ironing just to do something helpful.

I’m growing old and I feel as if I’ve wasted all this time and that I still am wasting my time, dreaming for the perfect job (actually any job could do), for the perfect life, the perfect…Let’s just say I want a respectable life and feel for once the satisfaction for what I am doing or for my choice. For once I want to feel and to taste the satisfaction. I don’t ask for more or am I asking for too much already? To sum up; I feel like I did nothing all this time and that there are lots of thing that I should have written already in my “casebook” which couldn’t appear, because at the age of, because at my age I haven’t done anything consistence, anything, nothing, brief anything that is worth to be said! To sum up: so insignificant my life has been in these years…

I have been watching (but not really liking) the performances of Eun Ji Won and it has been bothering me. They remind me of something and I couldn’t place my finger on it. Until now, of course. I think that “Out of Control” especially sounds like an Akon song, or that he at least had a hand in it. The music, the background vocals, pretty much everything but the language reminds me of Akon. Am I crazy? Here is his recent performance on Inkigayo.

Are you hearing what I’m hearing??

Have a great night!

2PM with ‘Heartbeat’ + #1
~~they now have a triple crown =D grats to them! but i believe after this, that’s it, since u can only win 3 mutizens
~~epic ending haahaa

Under the cut:
-Brian’s Comeback ft. Supreme Team with ‘My Girl’
-Eun Ji Won’s Comeback with ‘Out of Control’ + ‘Siren’
-SHINee with ‘JoJo’
~~omg Taemin is freaking adorable *spazzes* pedonoona coming out HAHA he has a green star on his face!!!
~~i like everyone’s clothes now. reminds me a ltl bit of the ‘Replay’ days, since it’s so colorful. i like Taemin’s outfit the most =P
-Taeyang with ‘Wedding Dress’
-CL + Minzy with ‘Please Don’t Go’
-Ivy with ‘Goodbye Tears’
~~yaaay Ivy! ^^ so pretty
-MBLAQ with ‘G.O.O.D. Luv’
~~nwe outfits! they look good =D it’s always nice to watch their ‘G.O.O.D. Luv’ perfs since they’re always so smiley ^^ it’s contagious hehe
-U-KISS with ‘Man Man Ha Ni’
-BEAST with ‘Mystery’
-IU with ‘Marshmallow’
-After School with ‘Because of You’
-JYP (Park Jin Young) with ‘No Love No More’
-T-ara with ‘Bo Peep Bo Peep’
-f(x) with ‘Chu~’
-Secret with ‘I Want You Back’
-Digital Music Ranking w/ IU + Yoseob (BEAST)
~~any Yoseob fans jealous of him putting his arm around her? XD she has great vocals! she sang a bit of Park Bom’s ‘You and I’ and sounded fantastic

Brian’s Comeback ft. Supreme Team with ‘My Girl’

Eun Ji Won’s Comeback with ‘Out of Control’ + ‘Siren’

SHINee with ‘JoJo’

Taeyang with ‘Wedding Dress’

CL + Minzy with ‘Please Don’t Go’

Ivy with ‘Goodbye Tears’

MBLAQ with ‘G.O.O.D. Luv’

U-KISS with ‘Man Man Ha Ni’

BEAST with ‘Mystery’

IU with ‘Marshmallow’

After School with ‘Because of You’

JYP (Park Jin Young) with ‘No Love No More’

T-ara with ‘Bo Peep Bo Peep’

f(x) with ‘Chu~’

Secret with ‘I Want You Back’

Digital Music Ranking w/ IU + Yoseob (BEAST)

How does two weeks of getting by on Dark Age hygiene work out?

By day 4, I had a pretty good goat going. Nothing crazy, but enough to make folks sitting near me ask “Who’s smoking weed?” anytime my coworker’s desk fan passed over my armpit. While the medieval consensus was to let this sort of small shit slide, the Egyptians used little balls of porridge as deodorant. Seeing as how they built the pyramids instead of a bunch of lousy churches, I decided to go with them on this one.

Medieval Slimes over at Vice.

YES my last exam to study for was today and now i’m FREEEEE *jumps with joy* Anyway, KBS Music Bank was PACKED with comebacks and greats perfs! Anyway I thought about it, and I decided not to make a post about GDAs. Sitting in front of my laptop posting isn’t exactly how I wanted to spend my afternoon after finishing my 4 exams this week XD Recapping shows takes quite a while -.-

Younha’s Comeback with ‘Broke Up Today’
~~amazing display of vocals as usual from Younha =D so glad she’s back

Under the cut there’s a great lineup, including:
-Brian’s Comeback with ‘My Girl’ ft. Supreme Team
~~his album is SOOOO goood. really glad he’s back too!
-Eun Ji Won’s Comeback with ‘Siren’ + ‘Out of Control’
~~LOL i don’t get what’s up w/ the fake hair thing but erm ok whatever floats his boat XD
-2PM with ‘Heartbeat’ + #1
~~3rd K-Chart win!
-SHINee with ‘JoJo’
~~OOOOMG this perf was freaking amazing. the vocals were so good. I am SO proud of Taemin ^^ he sounded great! He sure worked hard to improve on his vocals since they debuted! Eh Poor Minho’s reduced to just that small rap and singing the chorus, and saying the random english word ’stay’, ‘love’ -.- he does need to work on his singing though if he wants more solo singing parts
-MBLAQ with ‘G.O.O.D. Luv’
~~i can tell you know, if you’re a Lee Joon fangirl like me, you’re gonna keep squealing and giggling as you watch. he makes THE most adorable facial expressions ever. throughout the entire perf he acts super cutesy
-T-ara with ‘Bo Peep Bo Peep’
-U-KISS with ‘Man Man Ha Ni’
-f(x) with ‘Chu~’
-After School with ‘Because of You’
-JYP (Park Jin Young) with ‘No Love No More’
-Rainbow with ‘Gossip Girl’
~~T.T change the freaking song ur promoting please. ANY song’s better than ‘Gosship Gurl’
-IU with ‘Marshmallow’
-H-Eugene ft. IU with ‘Love Warning’
~~great vocals from IU
-Woo Yi Kyung with ‘What To Do’
-Secret with ‘I Want You Back’

Brian’s Comeback with ‘My Girl’ ft. Supreme Team

-Eun Ji Won’s Comeback with ‘Siren’ + ‘Out of Control’

2PM with ‘Heartbeat’ + #1

SHINee with ‘JoJo’

MBLAQ with ‘G.O.O.D. Luv’

T-ara with ‘Bo Peep Bo Peep’

U-KISS with ‘Man Man Ha Ni’

f(x) with ‘Chu~’

After School with ‘Because of You’

JYP (Park Jin Young) with ‘No Love No More’

-Rainbow with ‘Gossip Girl’

IU with ‘Marshmallow’

H-Eugene ft. IU with ‘Love Warning’
[yotuube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLlRo7TZKJM]

Woo Yi Kyung with ‘What To Do’

Secret with ‘I Want You Back’

A Failed Conception –

Like most ungulate mammals, giraffes are known for their inability to mate.  Some believe this is the cause for their decline in numbers despite many arguments saying that doesn’t make any sense.

Due to a lack of offspring to tend their farms and feed their livestock, many giraffes have resorted to performing public sex shows in order to make ends meet.

Below is a video of a giraffe sex show.  You can hear the heckles of onlookers as the male giraffe attempts to mount the unattractive female.

It is recommended that you invite your children into the room as these videos may scar them for life.:

The “awkward years” for a giraffe begin at birth and continue through adulthood.

The species name for the giraffe is camelopardalis, which means “camel/leopard”.  An accurate description considering that giraffes share a camel’s 3-tiered stomach, odorous genital sack, hatred of foreigners, and a leopard’s spots.

This unfortunate amalgamation of species has led anger, bitterness, and depression to be the dominant personality traits in most city-dwelling giraffes.

Due to their increased anger and aggression, many giraffes have resorted to violence in order to resolve conflicts and political debates regarding whether or not the Palestinian Authority should have been allowed to take over administrative authority of the Gaza Strip in keeping with the Oslo Accords in 1994.

Below is a video of one giraffe that believes the other giraffe is its reflection.  Let’s watch as it tries to kill itself.:

If a giraffe is lucky enough to avoid one of the many STD’s running rampant throughout its society, it will most likely die of shame when confronted with the knowledge that it has been a giraffe all its life.

But there are other dangers that threaten the “lives” of giraffes all over the world and Mexico.  Evil white men on safari will often toss young lions at giraffes, knowing they will be thankful as lion is a delicacy (known as “Shakayla” in Raffe-speak).  Unfortunately, lions have teeth and claws whereas giraffes have a lack of confidence.  The outcome is always the same.

There are efforts to protect and revitalize the giraffe community.  Most notable is that of A-list Hollywood actor Mario Van Peebles (star of such films as ‘Solo‘ and ‘The Hebrew Hammer‘).  Mr. Van Peebles has raised over 1 million dollars to get ‘Solo’ released on BluRay DVD format and says that eventually he’ll “get to the whole giraffe thing [sic]“.

The taun-taun sleeping bag:

This high-quality sleeping bag looks just like a Tauntaun, complete with saddle, [and] printed internal intestines

I believe this was originally an April fools joke that then exploded in popularity that they ended up having to make it.  Not at all cheap at $100, but its so fucking clever it might almost be worth it.

Get your drool going over at ThinkGeek.

Guest Post

Today, I am honored to publish a guest post written by Evan Hadkins. Evan lives in Canberra, Australia, where he works in the mental health arena. He writes a fabulous blog, Wellbeing and Health, which deals with all aspects of health (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social), with an emphasis on psychology and personal development.

Evan has written this article specifically in response to my previous post (Structure, triggers and other fun stuff). In this article, he provides us with a better understanding of why people with a history of childhood trauma often have a need to tightly control their environment as an adult.

—————————————————–

Need for Extreme Control Over My Environment

It seems to me that there are three obvious things about being a person. The first is that we have needs. The second is that we live somewhere (in some situation). The third is that our needs may be more or easily met depending on where we’re living. (If you disagree with any or all of these ideas please skip straight to the comments for this post.)

Photo by Martin Chen

The way I see it, a lot of our early lives are spent learning about ourselves, our situation and how we marry the two. Strangely, we need to learn about ourselves and our needs: it takes a while to learn how much sleep we need, what foods we like the taste of, and what foods taste good but can have unpleasant consequences, for instance. And much of our attention in our early lives goes on negotiating our social environment: Why is it rude to point? Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in some situations and not others; and so on.

Over time, we learn all these kinds of things; they become automatic. We forget how much we have learnt and may only realise it when we are put into a different situation. This might be travelling overseas, working in a new workplace or industry or joining a new group. If the new situation is very different we may feel like a child again.

When we pay attention to all the things we have learnt, all the ways that we negotiate our environment every day, we can be amazed. We do so much so easily. We can also realise that much of what we do is habit, and so unconscious.

When we pay attention to this, we may realise that there are many things we can do other than the usual: we can try out different hairstyles or ways of dressing. We really can eat dessert first if we wish. The male lead in the movie “High Fidelity” organised his record collection by personal association (which meant a re-organisation when his romantic relationship changed), there are many ways to do some things other than the way we usually do.

In doing things differently (even if it is just playing for fun) we can discover that we actively contribute to our lives — that we creatively respond to our situation.

In the West, we are in the privileged position that our environment is often hygienic and safe. This is far from true for everyone in all times and places. However, reflecting on the size of our cities and that they manage to function to some extent shows us that most people are well behaved most of the time. Only a few dozen people each day parking across major roads would cause chaos.

When we are in danger, we also respond to our situation. We can respond by getting out of it (if a car is heading towards us we move, and rapidly), by responding in some other way – we might signal to the driver. We might make a bigger picture response too (we might start a lobby group to change the road rules).

After we have been in danger, it feels good to be safe.

Danger doesn’t feel good and so we want to reduce it. If I am a passenger in a car, I might alert the driver to a coming danger. This seems entirely sane and reasonable to me.

If we are in a situation where danger is normal, then we develop habits to deal with this situation. This is important. The problem is that the habits may persist when the situation changes. Soldiers returning from a war zone take time to adjust, and children who grew up in violent families also can find it difficult to believe that they are no longer in danger.

It is especially difficult for children from violent families – feeling in constant danger can be literally all they know. To learn different, they may have to put themselves in a situation, which seems very dangerous. These habits can often persist well into adulthood, and trying to change them can be very difficult.

The habits and other things learnt can become a problem because they don’t suit the new situation. If a person grew up in a dangerous situation then they may well want to control the situation so that they feel safe (when things were out of control they often got hurt).

In adulthood, this person may still feel these childhood emotions when he or she feels a situation is out of control. As an observer of such a person, if we can’t see the emotion, then it may be hard to understand this person’s need or order.

If you feel you may be a bit of a ‘control freak’, it can be worth asking yourself what benefit you get from this behaviour. If it is really puzzling to you, in my experience, the answer will usually lie in childhood feelings.

I’d like to hear about how you relate to control in your life. Are you a control or go-with-the-flow freak? Do you feel that you exercise control of your situation to your benefit? Perhaps you think you exert too little or too much control? Let me hear your experience in the comments.

Hello everyone! I’m coming back from a holiday-related hiatus after a few days at my partner’s parents’ house where I ate, missed Gloria Gaynor and Cyndi Lauper kill it at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, drank wassail, met up with some old friends, gave and received gifts, and beat the entire family at Wii boxing, the last activity leaving my arms and torso surprisingly sore. Oh, and I spent the past few hours belting Neko Case and pre-1986 Billy Joel tunes at full volume on the car ride home. So, I’m a little tired and hungry for leftovers. But to limber up and get back into the swing, I thought I’d offer up a quick post.

Driving back to Austin, I also listened to Smog’s A River Ain’t Too Much to Love. As Bill Callahan is a long-time resident of my fair city, I intended for the album to get my partner and me excited about our return home. But then I remembered a music video off this album that got me thinking about female actors acting in clips for songs by male musicians. What does their presence contribute to a music video and how might it change or deepen a song’s meaning? To be clear, I’m referring to protagonists — not creepy playthings like Kim Basinger’s corpse in Keir McFarlane’s music video for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.”  

Kim Basinger as Tom Petty's perfect and dead object of desire; image courtesy of fanpop.com

That said, having a female character serve as the lead to a male musical act’s music video doesn’t guarantee a progressive narrative, though does create interesting sites of discourse. She can be problematic as a result of how she’s characterized, what she might suggest about the song’s meaning, or how the director has chosen to frame her. And of course an actress offers her own on- and off-screen personae to the proceedings, often complicating matters when she crosses entertainment mediums. 

Click on the song titles below to access the music videos and consider how these actresses’ presences might make meaning. Also, feel free to offer up any other suggestions as well, particularly if you can come up with more representations of actresses of color or any examples of female actors serving as protagonists in hip-hop music videos for songs by male artists.

In a Smog video, Chloë Sevigny's motel maid see herself reflected through a mirror, a TV screen, and a news achor played by Callahan, but never explicitly comments upon her eyepatch; image courtesy of chloesevigny.info

Sofia Coppola
The Black Crowes
“Sometimes Salvation“
The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion
Directed by Stéphane Sednaoui

Claire Danes
Soul Asylum
“Just Like Anyone“
Let Your Dim Light Shine
Directed by P.J. Hogan

Sofia Coppola
The Chemical Brothers
“Elektrobank“
Dig Your Own Hole
Directed by Spike Jonze

(Aside: I wonder if any Godfather III detractors are at all resentful of me considering the director to be an actress and to spotlight her presence in multiple music videos)

Rosario Dawson
The Chemical Brothers
“Out of Control“
Surrender
Directed by W.I.Z.

(Aside: I wonder how electronic artists, whose often non-descript physical presences are obscured from packaging, open up the possibilities of who or what can be featured in their music videos)

Chloë Sevigny
Smog
“I Feel Like the Mother of the World“
A River Ain’t Too Much to Love
Directed by Bryce Kass

In 1982, George O’Dowd was twenty-one and the lead singer behind one of the year’s most successful pop tunes. With distinctly falsetto alto vocals, O’Dowd gained immediate recognition. Radio airplay of his moderately-produced recordings showcased accessible lyrics and infectious beats. Within a year following MTV’s debut, O’Dowd’s songs weren’t the only thing drawing the public’s attention.

American cable’s music television provided listeners a face with a name and images to coincide with mellow refrains and throbbing melodies. Although videos provided an additional layer to the music experience, an artist’s image would become as important as the music—sometimes eclipsing the relevance of performer’s artistry.

O’Dowd’s band, Culture Club, appeared with him in the music video for “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” Yet, it was O’Dowd’s alter-ego, Boy George, who was the primary object. (The use of the word object seems relevant here since this was the world’s introduction to “the Boy.”) Along with extras, who throughout the video seem perplexed by Boy George, television viewers also were trying to sort the man from the image.

At the video’s beginning, Boy George emerges into a public setting, shuffling, fingers snapping, aware, singing to his audience members. They are aghast.

He is fragile.

With skin pale contrasting with dark dreadlocks topped with a wide-brimmed hat tilted back, he is dressed all in white. Wearing an oversized tee shirt, he is fully made up—brows darkly penciled, eye shadow, eyeliner, lipstick. He is not a beauty yet, there is a certain softness and purity which lends itself to a look that can be described as subtly pretty.

As front man, O’Dowd is a confident vocalist which may offer him allowances to experiment with his looks “understanding (that) identity (is) something that could always be reworked, improved upon, and even dramatically changed” (Ouellette 120).

Following success of their first singles, fame offered the band higher video production values and, for O’Dowd, public affirmation of his Boy George. A more refined image—glamorous, even virtuous—would emerge. Still shapeless in colorful caftans and muumuus, the fashion industry began to look at Culture Club’s lead as an incomparable source of insight of what was always a female-driven commerce.

O’Dowd’s Boy never seemed to take himself too seriously. Dolly Parton identified with the pop singer’s flamboyance, hinting of a possible future duet recording.

Writes educator Pamela Wilson, personas like Dolly Parton and Boy George are “a social parody, hyperbolic stereotype, a tongue-in-cheek charade that playfully and affectionately subverts the patriarchal iconography of female sexuality’” (Brown 85).

Later, O’Dowd’s personal life would unravel amid allegations of sexual promiscuity and habitual drug use. O’Dowd became overweight, looking haggard and out of shape. The persona of Boy George, once youthful and virtuous, was now a pop icon for the history books and fodder for media tabloids. Neither O’Dowd nor Culture Club would ever regain the success of their earlier years.

Still, remarkably, even the likes of George O’Dowd achieved the American Dream on some levels, although short-lived. Like his and many other well-documented celebrity cases in which dreams are shattered or irrevocably diminished, the real question is not about its achievement; rather, it is about sustainability, building upon dreams in a meaningful, hierarchical fashion.

Only in instances involving well-grounded individuals surrounded by higher-grounded support systems is there any chance for permanence beyond the dream’s achievement.

Brown, Jeffrey A. Class and Feminine Excess: The Strange Case of Anna Nicole Smith. London: Palgrave MacMillan, 2005.

Ouellette, Laurie. Inventing the Cosmo Girl: Class Identification and Girl-style American Dreams. Thousand Oaks: Sage P, 2003.

[Private journal entry written on July 18, 2009]

All this week, I have been experiencing the recovery of more memories around what happened with “X” . . . or, again, what I think are valid memories, assuming something did happen with him.

Photo by Martin Chen

Fortunately, they have been arriving in a gentle manner – they are more like passing images and impressions that float through my consciousness as I transition between being awake and asleep. I’m grateful for the gentleness of their arrivals – that they are not coming in violent flashes like I tolerated last summer . . . .

I am remembering taking Sunday afternoon naps in a basement bedroom at “X’s” house . . . the bedroom was near his office in the basement. I have a sense that he would walk into the bedroom while I was napping and wake me up.

I have a sense that he allowed me (encouraged me?) to touch him affectionately when he woke me up from my nap – as well as other times. I have a sense that he encouraged me to hold hands and link arms with him, to lay my head on his arm or chest, to pat his face . . .

I have a sense that I enjoyed doing that . . . because it was a form of affection that I was not experiencing at home. I have a sense that having his undivided attention and affection felt very good to me.

I have a sense that he justified his deviant behavior by the fact I “initiated” the “touching” – that I obviously “wanted it”. I think the guillotine blade that appeared in a recent dream represents what he did after I innocently reached out to him with affection. At least, that’s the passing impression I keep getting.

It would explain why I become physically paralyzed when I want to initiate affectionate touch.

It would explain why I feel unsafe when in the prone position.

It would explain why, at age four, I one day announced to my mother that I was too old to take naps. I remember not being able to give to her the real reason – but I didn’t recall the real reason until this week. The real reason was because my body would, as I attempted to drift into a nap, repeatedly jerk awake with every little noise. I would try to be compliant and fall asleep, but I would lie awake for the entire time I was supposed to be sleeping. I didn’t know how to explain all that to my mom, so I just told her I was too old for naps – and she bought it.

It would explain why I still am unable to take daytime naps, even as an adult. If I do lie down and shut my eyes, as soon as anyone shuts a door or answers a phone anywhere in the house (for example), my heart starts racing and my breathing quickens – and I snap back to full awareness.

It would explain why I feel trapped and out-of-control when someone gives me verbal instructions on how to perform physical fitness exercises or any other body-oriented activity.

It would explain why, as I’m writing this, my heart rate and breathing rate are accelerated – and why I find myself somewhat sexually aroused by the remembering.

(Deep breath . . . it’s okay, Marie, it is to be expected, given your history – nothing to be ashamed of)

—————————————-

It is easy for me to be angry with “X” – or at least, it would be if I knew for sure he did what I think he did.

It is not so easy for me to be angry with another source of trauma . . . my parents.

This week, I went back over what I wrote about rationalizing the behavior of my parents, specifically the physical and emotional abuse they incorporated into their method of discipline. I have been resistant to holding them accountable for their behavior because they were doing the best they knew to do.

As I reviewed what I had written, a memory from childhood came flooding back . . . a memory of a time I intensely struggled with understanding my place in the world. I remember lying in bed, trying to figure it all out . . .

At the time, I didn’t have suitable language, only vague feelings. But now, if I go back and feel those feelings, I can put adult language to it . . .

In trying to figure it out, I reasoned that such punishment could only exist if at least one party was bad. If my parents were abusive because they were bad, there was space for the possibility I was a good child – a good child that was being treated unfairly.

If my parents were good, then they necessarily were acting in my best interest – which meant I must truly deserve what I was getting – which meant I must be a very bad child.

There was no doubt in my mind that my parents were good – they were “in tight” with God. However, I was still unsure about my standing with God and about my goodness. It was easy for me to conclude I must be a very bad child if I had to be punished that violently. This week I discovered I have continued embracing that conclusion even to this present day.

As an adult, I have consistently defended the goodness of my parents. I have been so attached to defending them that I had not noticed how their “goodness” came at the expense of my “goodness” (according to my childhood beliefs) — in other words, if they were good, I necessarily was bad. I had not been free to discern the untruth in my long-held belief that child-Marie was bad — until now.

I am now seeing the need to embrace the fact that all parties were/are good – imperfect, but good.

Including me.

Source: CBS News

National Debt Now Tops $12 Trillion

 

(CBS/iStockPhoto)

It’s another record-high for the U.S. National Debt which today topped the $12-trillion mark. Divided evenly among the U.S. population, it amounts to $38,974.34 for every man, woman and child.

Technically, the debt hit the new high yesterday, but it was posted on the Treasury Department website just after 3:00 p.m. ET today. The exact calculation of the debt is a 16-digit tongue-twister and red-ink tsunami: $12,031,299,186,290.07

This latest milestone in the ever-rising journey of the National Debt comes less than eight months after it hit $11 trillion for the first time. The latest high-point is not unexpected, considering the federal deficit for the just-ended 2009 fiscal year hit an all-time high at $1.42-trillion – more than triple the previous year’s record high.

Much of the increase in the deficit and debt is attributed to government spending outpacing revenue – both exacerbated by the recession and the government response to it – including hundreds of billions in bailouts and stimulus spending and tax cuts along with decreased tax revenues due to rising unemployment.

In recent days, President Obama has spoken of the need to bring the rising deficit and debt under control.

“I intend to take serious steps to reduce America’s long-term deficit – because debt-driven growth cannot fuel America’s long-term prosperity,” he said in remarks prepared for delivery to the leader’s meeting last Sunday at the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation summit.

The National Debt has increased about $1.6 trillion on Mr. Obama’s watch, though less than $4.9 trillion run up during the presidency of George W. Bush.

But the White House budget review issued in August projects that by the end of the current fiscal year on Sept 30th, the National Debt could top $14 trillion.

It gets worse. The same document projects that by the end of the decade, the National Debt will hit $24.5 trillion — exceeding the Gross Domestic Product projected for 2019 of $22.8 trillion.

The new debt number adds urgency to Treasury Department calls on Congress to quickly raise the statutory limit on the National Debt which now stands at $12.104 trillion. The debt ceiling was last raised in February as part of the $787 billion Recovery Act stimulus bill.

The debt also costs a fortune to maintain. In the fiscal year just ended, the National Debt cost taxpayers over $383 billion. And that amount means the government is only paying 3.3 percent interest. If interest rates go up, so does the amount paid on the debt.

And we’re paying it to scores foreign countries which hold $3.5 trillion of the U.S. Debt.
China leads the pack holding nearly $800 billion in U.S. Government securities, followed closely by Japan with $731 billion.

Among the smaller nations lending the U.S. money are Luxembourg, Taiwan, Singapore and Ireland.

Mr. Obama has said he hopes the health care plan pending in Congress will serve to curb the growth in the debt by reducing the amount government spends on health care. But it’s a claim disputed by critics who say it will have the opposite effect.

 

(CBS)

Mark Knoller is a CBS News White House correspondent. You can read more of his posts in Hotsheet here. You can also follow him on Twitter here: http://twitter.com/markknoller.

Dear readers,

The life of a train wreck who has has spun out of control is a scary life to lead.

Today I:

-Did my late taxes

-Cleaned out my closet and donated clothes to Good Will

-Cleaned the kitchen.

-Did laundry

-Researched cheaper car insurance

-Paid some bills

-Made a doctor appointment

and worst of all…..

-I flossed

God only knows what sort of depraved chaos I’ll be involved in tomorrow.