There is nothing “entertaining and spicy” about vaginismus and vulvodynia. They’re not the latest new hot topic to be discussed in hurried whispers behind a copy of Cosmo. If they were, that would be a step in the right direction.

These diseases are practically unheard of, especially if you’ve never had them. If you have, it probably took you years of pouring through internet archives, searching things like “pain with sex” or “burning in vagina” in Google until you first learned the words (and even then, you probably closed the browser before the screen loaded, afraid of what they meant). You probably first asked your family physician, who looked at you with sympathy but treated your problem like a child with a scraped knee. Your doctor probably said you were just “tense” and needed to “loosen up,” maybe have a glass of wine with dinner and set some nice music. Maybe she recommended some lubricant. Or maybe she said you were “just gonna have to deal with it.”

That last one? That’s what my doctor said, the first time I went in for a pelvic exam. I went in because I needed birth control, not for sex but to control my horrific menstrual cramps. I’d heard some people saying their first PAP exam hurt, so I was tense and afraid. My doctor used to do exams for military personnel. She didn’t have time for skinny little eighteen-year-olds who were afraid.

I screamed. I cried. The pain was unbelievable. It was like she was forcing her fingers into my abdomen so hard she would break through the skin, into the muscles. It was like my vagina had been scraped across a floor made of sandpaper and shards of glass. I wanted to tell her to stop, but in my mind I was still a child, unable to tell the doctor no. Plus, I needed the birth control, my periods were so painful. This exam was standing in the way of me and menstrual relief… But the pain from her attempts at insertion were as gut-wrenching as the cramps.

She eventually did give me the BCP script without doing a full exam, and gave me a referral to a gynecologist in the area. But my doctor was a severe woman, with cropped black hair and bulging eyes, who had many non-compliant and fickle patients. She didn’t have time for nonsense, and to her, vulvar pain was not worth her time to understand.

I have since had better experiences with doctors regarding vaginismus and vulvodynia. But they are all specialists, people who took a particular interest in women’s pelvic health and ought out the information on their own. GPs, as a “jack of all trades but master of none,” don’t always spend the time researching the latest information, particularly when it comes to women’s health. This is one of those cases where women NEED to take a responsibility for their own health. We need to keep in mind that we can always refuse a doctor’s suggestions or exams, and that when it comes to medical health, the doctor’s job is to help alleviate the pain, not make it worse. Pelvic exams might not be fun, but they should never be forced.

Find a doctor who will work WITH you. Be a patient, not a diagnosis.