Hello! My name is Carrie Sonneborn and this is the story of my son, Solomon, who came into the world an apparently healthy  7 lb 6 oz baby boy. Normal delivery, one week over due,10 out of 10 on the Apgar Scale. Everything was perfect!  Sol received all of the usual vaccinations though some I had misgivings about. He went on to meet all of the usual physical milestones – first tooth, crawling, standing up and so on.

He was my first child and I really hadn’t spent a lot of time with kids.   I didn’t realize that his lack of eye contact was anything other than a precocious  interest in the surrounding room. “Isn’t he a curious smart baby, always so interested in everything!”

He was also what I came to call  a ‘compulsive sucker’. He would suck all day. I  was trying to avoid giving him a pacifier (or ‘dummy’ as they call them in Australia, where Sol was born) but this made breast feeding pure agony.  Especially since I was given the advice from lactation nurses to  to just let him suck ‘until he stopped’. He never stopped willingly!  After about 10 weeks I caved and gave him a pacifier.  Everyone was much happier. I still breast fed until he was one year old but now I could give him an alternative for purely ‘recreational’ sucking.

As he got older other things came to light. I took him to a DAN! doctor and it was found that he had extremely  high levels of yeast throughout his body. I’d noticed the pimply bumps on his arms and legs, red flushed cheeks (so cute!) and the yeasty smell of his BMs (before  he started eating solid food) . It all seemed kind of   obvious yet the average pediatrician shrugged these things off. “Just rub a bit of lotion on his arms”.

Twenty- twenty hindsight is a great thing. Now I recognize  some of his infant behaviors and symptoms  as early signs of autism such as being  obsessive compulsive , lack of eye contact and gastrointestinal problems.

Today Sol is 8 years old and those things are still apparent. But he is on the road to healing which took a phenomenal amount of research, time, money and dedication to get him to this point. Come with us on our journey, share your thoughts, ask questions – Welcome!

I had pulled the boys from their bath, and they, as their custom, ran into the family room to huddle in their towels.  I made sure that they were watching child appropriate television programming.  Evan was huddled on the arm chair.  Sean stood with his towel like a cape.  I turned my back to get a diaper in the bedroom.

Then I heard the unmistakable sound of water hitting plastic.

Sean must have found one of The Husband’s water bottles and is dumping it out.  I turned to scold. 

Only Sean didn’t have a water bottle.

He was peeing, on accident, into a snack bowl someone had left in the middle of the floor.  The pee was perfectly filling the bowl.  I stood in shock, not wanting to say anything in case Sean moved, making more of a mess.  When he was done, I ran out of the room to get paper towels.

Me: Sean!  You peed! 

Sean: I sorry!

Me: No, it was an accident.  We just need to get you to the potty.

Sean: I sorry!

I hugged and kiss Sean.

Me: It’s ok, Seanny.  It was an accident.  Next time we’ll get to the potty.

Vaccination facultative contre les étudiants de l’influenza A/H1N1 commencer Novembre 25, a annoncé dimanche la ministre de l’Education Luc Chatel. L’université et les étudiants du secondaire, comme le lycée, reçoivent des injections dans les écoles, les élèves de maternelle et de centres de vaccination primaire à proximité. Il n’y aura «pas d’obligation” d’assurance-Luc Chatel, le journal a demandé 20 heures de France 2.

«Il sera fondé sur les opinions des parents et que les parents qui décident si leur enfant doit être vacciné». Les membres de famille obtiennent leur enfant grâce à un financement d’un achat de la vaccination “, a déclaré le ministre de l’Education, qui stipule que deux méthodes de vaccination a été couronnée de succès.

«À l’école primaire ou maternelle, nous avons pensé qu’il pourrait rassurer les parents avec leur enfant» au moment de l’injection, de sorte que le vaccin “dans le centre d’impulsion de vaccination”, a déclaré Luc Chatel. «Au collège et du lycée, nous procéderons à la vaccination dans les écoles. Et le ministre des Affaires étrangères a souligné:« Tout commence Novembre 25. “Le ministre de la Santé Roselyne Bachelot lundi a fait la campagne de vaccination contre l’influenza A/H1N1 qui devrait commencer cette semaine dans les centres de vaccination.

Kids get sick.  A lot!  My nephew, Xander, is an industrious one and doesn’t let a simple illness keep him down.  Not five minutes after his mommy instructed him to stay away from his brother, Zereth, to keep him from getting sick as well, I overheard Xander threatening Zereth with a little germ warfare…  It’s no wonder when children get sick, their entire family (parents and siblings alike) are taken down with them.

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Celebrating Thanksgiving yesterday made it more evident to me than ever that I am in a constant state of waiting.  While of course I am waiting to finish my PhD and I am waiting for my career to officially begin, what I am truly waiting for is family.  Holidays are a time for family and being so far away from home has left me feeling a little lost.  This Thanksgiving my dad flew in to spend the week with me and my husband and we spent the holiday in a restaurant with my brother and his wife.  Our family time consisted of two hours together over a meal someone prepared while missing their own family.  I found it terribly depressing and longed for the days when I was a child and Thanksgiving was a time where nothing else could interrupt the family bond.

I remember as a child waking up on Thanksgiving morning and watching the parade on television with my brother and sister while my mom baked her famous cheesecake and pumpkin pie.  She would always give us each a slice right out of the oven…although they were meant to be chilled desserts to this day there is nothing quite like the taste of my mom’s warm pumpkin pie.  Then we would spend the day at my grandparents with aunts, uncles, and cousins…often with our own football game being played in the front yard.

Today, my mom is no longer with us.  I miss her dearly and cannot remember what the last holiday we spent together was like.  I keep waiting for my grief to end, for my every move to not focus on what it would be like if mom were here.  I wonder if having children will allow me to carry on family tradition in my own way and heal some of the wound I feel so deeply in my heart.  However, dealing with infertility has left me waiting for a child.  I have waited for round after round of fertility treatments to work, I wait month after month hoping for a miracle and wonder if there is any end in sight of this cycle that has left me in limbo. 

Of course I truly appreciate that I spent this holiday with my dad, my brother, sister in law, and my wonderful husband.  I just feel like something is missing from my life and my sense of family.  There really is not anything like the mother child bond and I desperately need to have that in my life.  And so I am waiting, waiting for my grief to lessen, waiting for a child to love and teach the value of family, and waiting for a sense of family that nurtures my soul the way it did when I was a child.

The day after my first Thanksgiving, my dad had off, which was truly amazing for a cop.  My mom had to work, which was much of the case for my first year.  They were able to fix their schedules so that someone would be home with me, and I didn’t need a sitter until after my first birthday.

Like any good husband, my dad decided to take advantage of the sales and start the Christmas shopping for my mom.  Besides this got him and his baby daughter out of the house.  Plus, plus, right?

Except Black Friday was always a mad house, always is a mad house, and always will be a mad house, for ever and ever.  Amen.

As my dad tried to push his way through the crowds at the mall with a baby stroller, my nearly-five-month-old self waved my fist in front of me trying to clear a path.  Because even then I didn’t like crowds.

Tonight at dinner, my dad will retell the story for everyone, imitating a baby waving her fist in front of her as everyone laughs at the antics.  Which is fine.  Because my dad, mom, grandma did not even think to invite me to their crazy, chaotic shopping trip at 4. In the morning.  And I thank them.  Because if there is one thing I hate more than crowds, it’s mornings.

by Danielle Koprowski

When children are not delightful to be with, their behavior is telling us they have a need that requires our help. Those needs are Physical, Emotional or Sensitivity/ Temperament Issues. Let’s take a look at Sensitivity/ Temperament Issues.

Have you ever noticed how different one sibling can be from another? How is that? They have the same genetics, the same or similar environment, but they are so different.

Children come into this world with their own unique temperament and sensitivities. As the brain develops we each create our own unique way of processing information. The are some general patters, but each of us is unique. For some children their brain develops in a way that causes them to have a different way of processing the stimulus around them. A child like this might be said to have Sensory Integration issues, Hyper Activity, Explosive Temperament or they might be called High Spirited.

These types of issues can show up in many ways. A child might avoid stimulus or they might seek stimulus. So you could have a child that is very sensitive to loud noises and avoids them or on the other end a child who yells and screams to stimulate that sense.

There are exercises, games and interactions that can help children with these issues.

If you have the feeling that your child might have some of these issues, below is a list of websites and books that will be very helpful in giving you the information and tools you need to help your child.

Out of Sync (Sensory Integration Issues)-
http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/
http://school.familyeducation.com/sensory-integration/parenting/36660.html
High Energy/ Hyperactive-
http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Hyperactivity-Solution-Nancy-ODell/dp/0895297892
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Moves-Learning-Your-Head/dp/0915556375/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1
http://www.braingym.org/

Explosive (Easily Frustrated)-
http://www.explosivechild.com/

Spirited (Intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent)
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/SpiritedChild/tabid/59/Default.aspx

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com

Superbe balade en vélo au Laos. 6 km pour aller se baigner dans une superbe petite rivière… et ensuite encore 6km pour le retour dans des paysages d’une grande beauté

Un plongeon dans l’eau fraîche….

We were finishing the end of our supper of turkey sandwiches.  Delicious.  Evan sat between my parents, being coaxed into eating a real turkey sandwich instead of a deli turkey one.  Sean sat next to me, nibbling like a mouse on bread, turkey, and broccoli.  Like all meals, I was telling some story or another. 

Then I felt a little hand on my shoulder.  I turned to look at Sean.

Sean looked deep into my eyes.  The picture of seriousness.

Sean: Mommy.  I got to go.

What?

Me: Where do you have to go?

Sean broke his serious character.  A smile danced in his eyes and across his lips.

Sean: Outside!

Me: It’s too dark to go outside.

Sean: Get down, please?

Me: What do you say?

Sean: Excuse, please!

Me: Fine.  But no pie for you.

Sean: No pie!

I helped him down and off he ran.

Here are Ways #s 4 and 5 from the last post which promised you 5 Ways to Be More Great-full (Boost Your Gratitude Attitude)…

#4: FAMILY (or couple’s) GRATITUDE BOOK
We just spent a very pleasant hour doing this great art & writing interactive project. So simple and yet so meaningful and fun! Quality family time!

We do not watch television, nor do our children. We are dedicated to parenting consciously and strive to support a vibration of love in our household. Yet, given that my husband and I are both entrepreneurs, with seven businesses between the two of us, and given that our children are still quite young, we know how important and sometimes challenging it can be to come up ideas (not to mention time, energy and materials) for positive family experiences.

I myself am about the least craftsy person you will ever meet and can draw a stick figure on a good day! So believe me when I tell you: Yes, you CAN do this project, and probably with what’s already available in your home. It really ranks high on simple, high on fun, high on memorable, and low on expense. (I can NEVER do those Origami things, puuleeeeeazzze, can we talk?)

Thanksgiving weekend is the perfect time to do this Family Gratitude Book…but of course so is any day that ends in “y.” Monday, Tuesday…. Enjoy!

Materials:

All you need is:

Some blank paper (we used printer or copy paper, white)

Construction paper

Ribbon or brass brads to secure the book

Markers, pencils, hole punch and/or scissors

Optional: Stickers, stamps, other art supplies, scrapbook, photos

Definitely: A little bit of time and lots of love!

We started by making a brainstormed list of everything we are grateful for. You can do this any way you like; follow your own creative impulses & inspiration. We have four family members, so I decided to color code what we wrote on this collective page or you could just all write and draw without attributing who said/drew what, or make a chart, have sections of the page, etc. The things my 6-year-old called out first were written in yellow, my 10-year-old chose blue, I picked purple and my husband green. We made a color key on the page and wrote and drew various things we are thankful for: Our dog came first, followed by a lovely torrent such as family and friends, food, a good home, music, the Earth, music, health, God, life and so on.

Then I gave each family member a separate page on which to do whatever they like, the only requirement being that whatever is on the page relates to or represents what they are thankful for. We stuck in some more blank pages, so we can add more later as we are inspired.

The kids each got to pick a color for the front and back covers. The older did the words, the younger did the drawings. We punched holes, added brads, all signed the masterpiece and voila! A Family Gratitude Book.

Not only a wonderful way to spend part of our Thanksgiving Day, but a precious keepsake, and, I trust, a new family tradition as well. We will be sharing this book with family all weekend long and inviting them to add to it as well. And of course, it can be done any day! Every day bears its own gifts if we just open the package.

Today we focused mainly on what we are thankful for in our current lives (now), but we could also include wonderful memories (past) and gratitude for all the blessings on the way! (future)

Alternative for Couples: You can also do this as a Couple’s Gratitude Book or Journal, a beautiful way to show appreciation and deepen connection. So few marriages last or are happy, as we all know, and I am blessed to have a deliriously, deLIGHTfully ecstatic marriage, 12 years strong and better every day. One of the reasons is of course, the selection of the right mate; but in order to do so, we had to do the necessary self-healing and inner preparation to bring whole, healthy individuals to the relationship. Much of this work is presented in my book: The Radical Self-Love Workbook. But it is also essential to nurture even the best of relationships, and my husband and I do so daily in many creative ways such as this.

More tips on love and relationships are at

www.LoveandSpirit.org

and at my love blog: loveandspiritblog.wordpress.com.

Whether you do the Gratitude Book as a homemade book like we did today, like a scrapbook or journal, and whether you do it as a family activity or a couple’s relationship-enhancer, it will help you see your life through the eyes of love and gratitude, and bring you even closer with those you love. Enjoy! And I welcome you to send me a comment or email to share your experience.

#5: Honor the 4 Directions and 4 Sacred Elements:

Earth, Air, Fire, Water

You do not have to be Native American to appreciate one of their traditions, which is to honor the Medicine Wheel, facing each of the four directions, thanking each one for their gifts. This is also a tradition in all indigenous cultures including pre-Christian Europe (a.k.a. Wicca, Druidry, paganism, et al.), Africa, Australia, Hawaii and South America.

In fact, if you scratch the surface beneath contemporary religions on any part of the Earth, you will find an ancient shamanic tradition that honors all the directions and all of nature as sacred.

All things follow this cycle of birth, growth, fruition and quietude, whether we are looking at seasons, a lifespan, a day, or a garden. The beauty of Medicine Wheel ceremony and the paradigm itself is that it can be applied to our lives in so many ways.

So how do you honor the directions and elements, to give thanks for what they give to us so generously? Here are a few ideas:

* Altar: Create an altar to each direction or a Medicine Wheel altar encompassing all the directions/elements. This can be in your home or outside. My husband specializes in creating Medicine Wheels as a sacred practice on the land, and has helped others to do this as well.

* Cherokee Dance of Life – You would need to learn this in person from someone who has learned it, oral tradition. This is an incredible moving meditation to all 4 directions, peoples, and elements which also honors Mother Earth and Father Sky, balances their energies as sacred partners in our hearts, and helps us give away the gifts of Spirit that are our special medicine to share with the world through our right work and service. Occasionally my husband and I share this Dance with our community. If you live near Sacramento, and would like to experience this dance, let us know so we can invite you. Or perhaps Spirit will guide you to another teacher of this beautiful tradition.

* Drum, chant, play flute to each direction

* Give offerings such as cornmeal, tobacco or sage smoke to each direction

* Speak aloud from your heart to each direction and give thanks

* Sweat lodge

* Vision quest

If you do either sweat lodge or vision quest, please do so with the guidance of a Native elder to be sure you do it properly and safely.

* Journal or journey (shamanic meditation) to discover what power animals comprise your personal Medicine Wheel of your own energy field. I love to lead these meditations when I am called to do so. Honoring your own inner Medicine Wheel supports a strong aura and keeps you connected to your spirit guides, if this resonates for you.

Associations with Each Direction

Depending on which culture or even which tribe you consult, there are somewhat different associations with the directions, colors, elements and meanings, the medicine or power that direction helps us receive and embody. The one I am most familiar with follows but this is not dogma, merely a summary of what I have found to be the more universal associations. Follow your own heart and work with any spiritual practice in the way that resonates for your own heart and inner truth.

While I have a small amount of native blood, I was adopted and was not raised in that tradition. I discovered shamanism after my initiation and spiritual awakening 15 years ago. I do not claim to be a tribal elder or teacher of any one tradition. I am an interfaith minister, meditation teacher, hypnotherapist, energy healer and intuitive life coach. I have been on the path of Spirit, studying, practicing and sharing healing and wisdom teachings from many cultures for several decades, so I offer here a simplified summary as a starting point for your discovery journey. You would do well to study more in depth with a local teacher steeped in the particular tradition that calls to your spirit, and of course feel free to research further on the Web, in books, classes, and listen to your own inner guidance. I always say the best way to pray, do ceremony or ritual is the way that feels best to you, with harm to none, of course. But we do need to honor the specific traditions so they are not all diluted through multiculturalism.

From the East we have the yellow people (Asia) and the gift of Air, Brother Wind, clarity of vision, inspiration, the new day, new beginnings, establishment of purpose and intention, and springtime.

From South, we receive the wisdom of the black people (Africa), Fire. The tools, strength, perseverance and energy to follow through and manifest, midday/ noon, summer, also humor and passion, innocence and trust.

The West gives us the culture of the Red people (such as Native Americans), the setting sun, Water, emotions, the fall season, self-evaluation toward completion, looks-within time, peace, rest and healing.

And the North represents the White (European) people and all their cultural gift. The sacred mountain, winter, midnight, time to slow down, go within and be still to receive guidance for what comes next. Completion, what you keep from the past cycle and all that you have accomplished and learned. It is also associated with the Spirit and wisdom.

Note: You can also honor the other 3 directions: Earth (below), Sky (above) and Center (within).

I hope you enjoyed these five creative ways to give thanks and I wish you abundant blessings on your journey!

Finally, in the spirit of Sufi mystic poet Rumi, I invite you to kiss the ground. Blow kisses to the sky. Bow to everything. Everything is sacred.

With Love,

Sage

More resources for your path, including free special reports on abundance, love, transformational classes, soul and energy healing sessions, intuitive readings, matchmaking and more are at:

www.LoveandSpirit.org

Taylor@LoveandSpirit.org

“Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”

- Rumi

J’avoue être resté sans voix, voire passablement dépité pourtant je le savais depuis presque un an déjà, à la fin de ma glorieuse et prometteuse 25^ème année, je n’existerai plus, pour plus grand chose et pour plus grand monde.

La machine humaine est une affaire rondement menée, presque sans failles. Au départ, chacun doit gagner la parole pour passer son temps à écouter l’impératif sous toutes ses formes, ensuite quand on peut raisonnablement donner des ordres plus personne ne nous écoute et finalement on perd la parole et l’on recommence à nous parler à l’impératif, mais cette fois comme si on n’était pas là.

Hum, un couloir pour tous avec une chance de porte de sortie pour chacun, voilà un challenge flatteur! Quelle belle perspective en prévision du tunnel et de la lumière. Moralité, j’aurais dû apprendre l’économie et la théologie afin de franchiser la vente d’espoir.

Du quart de siècle fraîchement dépucelé qui était le mien à l’Alzheimer prophétisé que je n’atteindrai peut-être pas, je m’occuperai comme je le pourrai en faisant des dons en nature – 2,8 fois – à la natalité ainsi qu’à ma fiche d’imposition afin de perpétuer le cirque ou la vie, c’est selon.

Dans le meilleur des cas, j’invoquerais la réussite pour acheter mon droit d’exister aux yeux de tous. Dans le cas contraire,  je m’excuserais en rampant – en un silence masochiste – de ne pas participer au grand jeu de la norme, et entre les deux je prendrais volontiers en otage une personne minimum dans mon lit et on attendrait en se méprisant, plus ou moins patiemment.

Jusque là, rien de spécial, je feignais l’évidence, ceci étant en refaisant ma carte 12-25 le dernier jour de mon importance parmi les jeunes. Je me sentis partir un peu comme si je devenais un souvenir ou une nouvelle statistique. Mais à minuit le couperet est tombé tel une exécution publique, bienvenu dans le monde des poches vides, du plein tarif, du cash et comptant !

En supposant que je tienne plus ou moins le coup jusqu’à la carte Vermeil, qui accompagnera mon démantèlement annoncé et la possibilité de langer mon incontinence, qui me dit que ma concession pour la postérité ne deviendra pas une fausse commune pour les livres d’Histoire? Ce qui est sûr c’est que je ne suis plus assez jeune et pas assez vieux pour quoi que ce soit, mais plus que jamais rentable et une chaire à canon sophistiquée avec le droit de la fermer !

La retraite c’est un fantasme taillé sur mesure pour le système de santé, voire pour l’un de ces crédits que l’on peut léguer en héritage. Et la jeunesse dans tout ça, c’est la seule indemnisation que j’obtiendrai, mais personne ne m’a tenu au courant, j’en aurai sans doute mieux profité au lieu de singer la bienséance de ceux disant merci avant de mourir.

Les forces vives de la nation, l’avenir du pays, cela relève autant de la publicité mensongère pour les caprices du PIB que du coup de pression patriotique. Alors, prendre les armes ou la tangente : je n’appelle pas cela un choix.

Franchement, en dépit du bon sens, sans jouer sur la carte « repentance, misérabilisme et esclavage » comment allais-je faire pour obtenir ce respect dont jouissent les handicapés, les chiots ainsi que les femmes enceintes ?

Etant donné mes perspectives de croissance et le prix d’une thérapie, je regarde ce que font mes congénères pour prendre la place qui est censée être la leur dans le monde des illustres. Devrais-je m’inventer l’une de ces carrières artistiques où l’on préfère le miroir à soi-même ou voyager à travers les Hommes en confondant quête spirituelle et fuite en avant ?

Je pourrais tout aussi bien tenter de me reproduire modérément au vu de la population mondiale. C’est un compromis d’hygiène de vie assez séduisant, beaucoup de plaisir, parfois même avec sa partenaire, un peu de garderie, c’est peu de chose pour obtenir la symbiose entre un ami et un animal de compagnie, un enfant et pas mal de responsabilités morales, pénales, économiques, hypothétiquement affectives, une modeste manière d’occuper ses loisirs, en somme.

J’ai trouvé ! Oui mais c’est bien sûr, je pourrais avoir un but, un combat, une croyance dans la vie, avoir un avis comme le con d’à côté, mais en ayant raison. Sachant que j’ai les mains moites et que les marches militaires m’incommodent au plus haut point, je pourrais distribuer des tracts ou défiler mollement en faisant comme les autres une fois la farce du 1^er Mai venue.

En même le temps le nihilisme est la religion la plus à la mode. Ne rien faire, ne rien penser tout en adhérant à un mouvement qui n’en est pas un, cela me semble être une mascarade à la hauteur de celle qui nous est présentée comme un moyen d’accéder au bonheur et, fonction des confessions, à la vie éternelle.

Avec tout cela, je ne me suis toujours pas décidé. Il faut que je me presse avant qu’on ne le fasse à ma place songeais-je. Aux dernières nouvelles, je fais la course comme tout le monde en me dopant un verre à la main, mais j’aime à penser que les paysages qui nous observent valent mieux que la ligne d’arrivée qui nous nargue en reculant. Dans ces conditions, je vous laisse terminer premiers, bien volontiers !

On Volcanoes and Being a Daddy

By Salorne McDonald

Behaviour Change Communications Manager.

Society For Family Health, P.S.I. Caribbean

The clarity of mind that comes from looking at nature in action is always welcome.  Looking at the glowing cone of Montserrats’ highly active volcano reminded me of a time when dormant was the word used to describe this now very alive, very vivacious igneous giant.  It threw me back to a time when we heard of famine in Ethiopia and saw artists raising money to feed a starving nation.  Now we know that one of the things that contributed to that hunger was the death of the farming community ‘the women’ from AIDS related complications.

It threw me to a time when I was a young man just living in a world becoming conscious of this epidemic that had the power to topple cities.  Then I came to the realization that like the inhabitants of the current Montserrat I had to learn a new way to live with the new circumstances.

Being the daddy of a two year old boy (soon to be three but in his mind he’s a teen) changed much of my motivation for working in the field of HIV.  I now have to try to make the kind of world my son could have the room to live in as himself, whoever he grows up to be.  And in the growing up he would have to do I realized that I must teach him to live in a world where HIV was a regularity.  Where that fact that children born on the same day, in the same month, in the same year as he could have been born HIV+ and that it is ok to have them as friends.  I have to prepare him to see over the myopia of the school he may end up in, or beyond the judgmental passion of the parents who don’t think that they should have their kids play with the ‘little AIDS boy/girl’.

My calling as a parent has placed me in the position where I must live the life that I want my son to learn from.  In doing so I must, like all parents, learn to depend less on telling and more on showing.  The fact that there are so many living with HIV and AIDS in Trinidad & Tobago means that he will live and play and eventually even work with someone who is positive.  The likelihood that as he grows up he may even date and grow in love with someone who’s living with HIV is real and I need him to know that there’s nothing wrong with that.  I need him to know that he isn’t less of a man if he doesn’t have ten women or it doesn’t mean he’s immoral if he insists on using condoms within his marriage regardless of who says otherwise.

You see the drive to ‘AIDS proof” him (if that makes any sense as a term) goes way beyond the age-old fight of abstinence or condoms.  My thrust I realize has to do with creating a man who isn’t afraid to say how he feels.  One who isn’t fazed by questioning the traditional challenges to his decisions not to do it because he doesn’t see sexual exploits as defining him.  It goes beyond just urging him to use condoms because he knows that the use of one is just one step in an arsenal of self-protection that he can use.  It’s about ensuring that he has a sense of self so strong that the external illogical pressures of our traditionally misogynistic society don’t force empty values and double standards into his living.

This is the challenge we are forced to pick up as parents of children growing in a world with HIV and AIDS as part of their everyday reality.  The fact that we were ill-prepared for it does not mean that we can leave our children in the same order.  We must equip them with the knowledge to keep them aware, the trust that they can manage on their own and the compassion to love should their journey take them along that path.on

Enjoy:

This is the first posting of “You know you are a parent when..”, a series that will be centered around the little things that our children do that are little reminders that you are a parent – just in case you forget!

Today Dad forgot to pack diapers in the diaper bag. This caused us to have to rush home with a very uncomfortable child in my arms. We didn’t know what to do. I really don’t know why the stores in this country only sell huge, ginormous bags of diapers. What about the people who just need one or two  to hold them over till they get home or something?? We were not going to buy a whole bag just for one diaper, and I couldn’t see any people with babies around at the time – strange as in Jerusalem there are ALWAYS people with babies around. Anyway, we are rushing home as fast as we can to alleviate my poor son’s situation. Thank Gd it was just a pee diaper and not the other kind. Michael, the poor child is moaning and whining and we don’t know what to do. Mordechai Suggests that we take the diaper off, and he go commando style. I was just about to object when our solution came!

Suddenly Mordechai was holding a sanitary pad that I had stuck in the baby bag for a rainy day and said “what about this?” I thought about it for a split second and agreed that it was the closest thing to a dry diaper we could find. As I was putting the pad in place, a sudden stream of liquid fountained over me. This is the moment I had remembered that I am a Mom and that getting pee’ed on is just another way of not your child, but Gd reminding you of the blessing who is smiling up at you thinking it is all so very funny.

Well, its Thanksgiving and while a lot of people are professing their thankfulness of  family, friends, health, blah, blah, blah…I, on the other hand, am going to be honest with you all.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I am very thankful for my friends, family and health.  

But my thankfulness doesn’t stop there.  In fact, my cup runneth over with thanks.  

The thing with me is…I don’t wait till the third Thursday in November to appreciate things…no…some things I am thankful for each and every day.

Things like….

7pm – my kids bedtime….’nuff said.

The Magic Eraser…a cleaning instrument sent directly from God.

TV shows like House and Mystery Diagnosis…they give me the knowledge to diagnose most any mystery illness…now if only the diagnosing opportunity would present itself.  (PS…it’s always the Adrenal Gland…believe me on this one!)

Buffalo Chicken Dip… I make a pretty good one, and without it I probably wouldn’t get invited to half as many parties.

I lived once, for a year, without a dishwasher…never again, I tell you            NEVER …AGAIN! 

Where else can you take a 4 & 6-year-old on a rainy day…spend an hour and only be down 2 bucks?

And last, but by no means least, a nice glass of wine.

…sometimes I am thankful for my glass of wine two or three times a night!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  ENJOY!

Just what is “Daddy Solidarity”?  I found myself thinking about this when confronted with the phrase recently.

I had taken my son to a toddler singing group. The term should be used loosely as it is generally the parents feeling liberated to sing songs, clap hands, bang on the floor etc. – whilst the kids run around the room.

Mothers & babies: An intimidating sight for any Dad!

This was on another of my all too rare (and fleeting) Monday’s off – my Daddy Day-Care-Day as I’ve mentioned in previous posts.

Now I’m used to the fact that on a weekday, with a child I’m a rarity.  Much as we like to think about what a modern country we are (and we’re getting there) Mums still outnumber Dad’s on the toddler-social-scene – and I like to think I live in a particularly ‘right on’ (think Guardian-reading) area.

So, at this singing group I was one of two Dad’s.  The other Dad was a belting stereo-type of the aforementioned Guardian reader – bearded and wearing what I’d bet my life  was a shabby-chic, Oxfam bought jumper.  However, we’d exchanged the faint nod of recognition that, of those above the age of three – we were the solitary representatives of our gender.

The ‘group leader’ – we’ll call her Vera – noticed this and gleefully announced to the group: “At least we’ve got a bit of Daddy-solidarity today.”

Polite laughter and smiles all-round – but I was slightly put out by this.  It was as if it was prejudged I’d be incapable of having solidarity with some mothers.

I know, I know – from Mars & Venus and all that but since the arrival of my son I’m quite good with mothers – one even lives in my house.  Heck, I grew up with another one!

It wasn’t meant as an affront – perhaps I’m too sensitive.

Stubbornness & cold stares

If I am its only because of scarring, still raw from my first foray onto the toddler social scene.

My son (now nearing two) hadn’t even reached his first birthday at this point.  Poor lamb was suffering terribly from teething pains but ignorant of the world-stopping power of teething I’d gone ahead and at my wife’s insistence, taken him to a play group style event at a nearby village hall-style venue.

My son was already in a dangerously fragile mood when we arrived.  The sight of a room-full of strangers, singing, shouting and general toddler mayhem (which he’s a more than noisy part of now) tipped him over the edge.

This t-shirt sums-up my son's feelings!

I’d lost him from that point already – but it was the patronising looks and pity-filled stares that made the stubborn arse in me blunder on.

The room was full of mothers (I was the only Dad on this occasion – a far more frequent occurence) and I could see it on all their faces: “Oh – he probably never looks after his son – doesn’t know what he’s doing.  No wonder the baby’s crying.”

I tried everything: toys; cajoling; cuddles; talking; reassuring; milk; in the pushchair; out of the pushchair; in a quiet room etc. etc.  (parents will be familiar with the plethora of options one comes up with when trying to soothe a crying child!)

None of it worked.  Of course it didn’t – my poor son was in pain from his teeth and I should have taken him home to bed.  I did in the end and Calpol’ed up he slept for an eternity.

There wasn’t much solidarity that day though – Daddy or otherwise.

Him: Fae!  They wouldn’t eat Spaghetti-O’s.  What kid doesn’t eat Spaghetti-O’s!

Me: Ours?

Him: Ok, I made a rookie mistake.

Me: (pause)

Him: They asked for brownies this morning before breakfast, and I let them have some.

Me: (pause)

Him: They didn’t eat any eggs I made them for breakfast.

Me: (pause)

Him: Why did you hide the diaper bag?!!  Why aren’t Seanny’s diapers in there?!!

(For the record: The diaper bag has been in the same spot since March when we moved in, on the dryer by the garage door.  I stocked the diaper bag before I left.  He didn’t look in the right place, which has been the same place since Sean was born two and half years ago.  It’s even labeled.)

Him: So I made another mistake.  I noticed Evan was running around and holding himself at the park, so I asked him if he needed to go to the potty.  He said yes, but he wanted to go to Grandma’s and Papi’s to do it (because they were going there any ways after the park).  So I moved quickly, got everyone there quickly.  I pulled Evan out, who ran to the door.  He tripped and fell.  He peed.  He was very upset.

Me: I bet he was.

Him: So then we- Guys!  Stop that!  No hitting!  No splashing!  No!  Stop That!  Igottago.

(The Husband decided to bathe the boys Monday morning, and I happened to call at that time.)

Him: So when are you coming home?

Me: 3:30 today.

Him: Real quick.  What time is Evan’s school?

Me: 12:30.  Leave the house at 12:15 to make sure you have time to strap everyone in and out.

Him: Babe, you’re greatly appreciated.

Me: At least for a week.

“I need somebody to love,” sang the Beatles, and they got it right. Love and health are intertwined in surprising ways. Humans are wired for connection, and when we cultivate good relationships, the rewards are immense. But we’re not necessarily talking about spine-tingling romance. …

Note: Cross posted from Recovery Is Sexy.com.

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“That is interesting,” said Mr. Perth, my daughter’s the high school counselor, “Your daughter wrote down on her application, that she doesn’t want to go to the *Regence School of Fine Arts.”

Shocked, I looked at him with disbelief and dismay. I had been told by several friends that this was THE college to go to for education in computer animation arts, drama and music. It had a great exchange student program for those adventuresome students who wanted more of a world education experience AND the college was small, close to home, and what I thought was a perfect fit for my artistic and highly intelligent daughter, Amanda.

However, I did not take into consideration Amanda’s own wishes and desires. As a young woman/child of 14yrs, Amanda, has her own agenda and is more than willing to push any limits I place in front of her. Challenge is Amanda’s creed and at times she will fight, figuratively, tooth and nail to get her way. 

However, as a parent it is up to me to guide her and set limits. Needless to say, this has led to spectacular arguments between us, with no side winning, and at times, both of us losing.  I have learned through trial and error art of negotiation, the value of setting practical limits, when to use strategic retreat/advance and reality of consequences. Will this wonderful knowledge I have gleaned from reading books such as “The New Strongwilled Child” by Dr. James Dobson, “Raising Your Spirited Child” by  Mary Sheedy Kurcinka help my daughter, Amanda become a better person? I don’t know. Will it help me become a better parent, absolutely.

What also will help is that I am coming to realize that my daughter has her own special way of doing things and is developing her own ideas about her future. As a parent, it is up to me to listen to her and to work with her and help guide her to reach her dreams.  It is all I can do. I look forward to the future when she becomes an adult and begins blazing her own trails. And I will be there in the background cheering her on, empathizing when things go wrong, giving advice when needed and loving her with all my heart.  

As a parent I am proud that Amanda has her own ideas and is willing to fight for them. Look out world Amanda is becoming a young woman, hear her roar. 

Adele thought that she was a wonderful parent before she had kids. She was always an “expert” on why the parents she knew were having problems. Then Adele had three children of her own.

Adele realized that raising children can take a parent to the depths of his or her character. Initially, understanding children and what motivates behavior in kids was a mystery to Adele. But she soon learned that the best way to connect with kids and figure out how to motivate them to proper behavior begins with emotional connection. There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

Emotional bonding with your kids begins with the most fundamental unit of communication – what Psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls an emotional “bid.” A “bid” can be a question, a gesture, a look or touch, any single expression that says “I want to feel connected to you.” Understanding healthy “bids” for emotional connection is essential to a successful and rewarding parent-child relationship.  A parent needs to analyze his or her style of emotional “bidding” and how he or she responds to a child’s emotional “bidding.”

Connecting with your kids emotionally will strengthen and add power to your relationship. Strong parent-child emotional understanding and bonding can form a healthy foundation for which your kids will benefit in navigating relationships for the rest of their lives.

by Danielle Koprowski

When children are not delightful to be with, their behavior is telling us they have a need that requires our help. Those needs are Physical, Emotional or Sensitivity/ Temperament Issues. Let’s take a look at emotional needs.
 
Emotional needs (for children and adults)- Here is a partial list: Unconditional love, Loving touch, Affection, Acceptance, Connection, Respect, Feeling heard, Guidance, Safety, Security, Stability, Down time, Play, Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Sense of belonging, Feeling valued, Friendship, Emotional release of pain, Freedom, Power (control over their life), Trust, Positive role models

That’s a long list and it’s only partial! Can you see why so many people have unmet emotional needs? The two main reasons children have unmet emotional needs are that parent’s have their own unmet needs and that not enough time is spent connecting with children.

One of the first indications that a child is feeling emotionally disconnected is that they begin to be uncooperative. When this happens, it is not bad or wrong, it is just a sign, like a flag going up saying, “My child needs something or My child needs help.” So we ask ourselves (or even the child) what is this behavior telling me? What is it that my child needs?

Is he developing autonomy and needs to feel powerful in his life? Is she hurting and needs to cry about something or release anger (punch a mad pillow)? Does she need to be accepted even when she makes choices I don’t agree with? Does he need some down time after a busy day? Does she need play that includes loving touch and affection? Does he need some focused one on one time?

When you are in the moment, asking the question, it is often mom intuition (or parents intuition) that gives the answers. Trust yourself and your ability to feel out what it is that your child needs.

It is not always so important that we find the answer, what is most important is that we ask the question and look for the root of the behavior rather than punish the behavior. Punishment never solves the problem of unmet needs. If a starving man steals food, can I punish him out of his need for food? No, I can address the need and teach him appropriate ways to get food.

Look again at that list of emotional needs, maybe even print this out and read that list daily. Ask yourself these questions:
What one thing can I do today to meet my own emotional needs?
What one thing can I do today to meet my child’s emotional needs?

Danielle Koprowski
Free To Be Parenting Support
ACPI Certified Coach for Parents
www.freetobeparenting.com