Don’t risk becoming the “hated parent” to your own children, as a result of your separation or divorce.  Learn the antidote to poisoned minds, and counter the negative impact of “parental alienation syndrome”.

It’s an area of family law which both as a parent, and a family lawyer, I find most troublesome, and frustrating.  Of course, I’m referring to the often bitterly contested issues of custody and access.

Children often become mere pawns, manipulated by one, or the other spouse, to suit their own legal agendas.  It’s something which has come to be called “parental alienation syndrome.”  It’s a condition whereby children are essentially programmed by one parent, the “loved parent,” to reject, and despise, the other parent, the alleged “hated parent.” 

Tactics used by a parent can include both conscious, and subconscious, techniques to “poison” a child’s mind against the other parent. 

How do you recognize this syndrome? 

There are several key characteristics.  Typically, a child will constantly denounce the “hated parent,” and, if asked to explain, such negative feelings will be unable to provide any rational explanation.

There will also be an unquestioned, and absolute approval, of the “loved parent,” including sharing the “loved parent’s” description for the “hated parent.”  In addition, the description of the “hated parent” will often appear to be consistent, and unchanging, suggesting that the child has been coached, or prompted, by the “loved parent” to provide a negative description.

Finally, and perhaps most damaging of all, the “loved parent” professes that the child’s own wishes, and views, must be respected, including their desire not to see the “hated parent.”

While in my own experience, courts have been slow to recognize and address this syndrome, there may be a glimmer of light, at the end of the tunnel.  An Ontario Superior Court Justice fined a woman $10,000.00 for “poisoning” the minds of her children, against their loving father. 

Specifically, the woman, the custodial parent, had refused to comply with several orders, which required her, to facilitate contact between the children and their father, and to undertake family counseling.

The court could also have awarded sole custody of the children to the father, but felt such action was not appropriate, since the youngest child, now 16, was “so attached” to the mother, and soon to be fully independent. 

Unfortunately, as this case readily demonstrates, once the emotional and psychological damage is done, there is no force on this earth strong enough to compel a child to maintain, or develop, a relationship with the other parent, regardless, of how loving, or well meaning, that parent may be.

What do I recommend as an “antidote” for such “poisoned minds?”

Firstly, if you and your spouse are separating, or divorcing, keep the legal matters out of court, if possible.  Going to court creates considerable stress and pressure on both parents, and children.  Minimizing both, may help salvage your short, and long term relationship, with your spouse, and children.

Secondly, I recommend counseling for all parties.  If you are an employee, your employer may have a benefits program which provides personal and family counseling.  If it does, take advantage of it.  In most cases, it will be free of charge, as well as being confidential.

Thirdly, and perhaps most significantly, I believe changes in the Divorce Act are urgently required.  Changes such as removing the divisive term “custody,” and replacing it with a more neutral, but vital, concept such as “parental responsibility.” 

But rather than address this particular issue, which has been researched to death, and potentially impact thousands of separating, and divorcing families, each year, the Federal Government has other priorities.

It’s no surprise many doubt the Federal Government’s commitment to families, me among them.

The contents, opinions, and observations, contained in Scott Taylor’s Kitchen Table Divorce, are strictly intended for general information and entertainment purposes only, and are not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, legal advice. 

It is recommended you obtain legal advice from Mr. Taylor,(604-534-6361or info@underappeal.com), or another lawyer, with respect to your specific jurisdiction, and legal circumstances.

“When she finally left him and tried to take her girls with her, she encountered a new monster — family court..”

Title: Custody Crisis: Why Moms Are Punished in Court

Date: Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Written for Mom Logic, posted on United Angels Against Domestic Violence, UAADV, News Blog at: http://uaadvnewsblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/national-child-custody-crisis-why-are.html

My Thoughts: I highly recommend this article. It is  very informative and gives voice to so many mothers who are victimized then forced into silence. For those just learning about Family Court Abuse, this article is very insightful and offers both sides of the argument while remaining focused on advocating for vulnerable children.

Summary :

“..fathers are more likely than mothers to intentionally lie (21 percent, compared to 1.3 percent). In fact, abusive parents are more likely to seek sole custody than nonviolent ones, and are successful about 70 percent of the time.”

This article includes several true-life horror stories from Family Court and includes insights into why Family Court so often fails to protect victims of domestic violence and their children. It also touches on the highly controversial “Parental Alienation Syndrome” or PAS.

Some of the Stories:

When Gina Kaysen Fernandes gains the strength to leave her abusive husband, and seek help for her two daughters, both victims of sexual abuse, she encounters a new form of abuse in family court. Gina bravely fights to keep her children safe only to loose custody.

 Linda Marie Sacks, another mother, shares a similar story. She says the judge “legally kidnapped my daughters”. After 11 years of marriage, Linda Marie files for divorce with concerns that her husband had been molesting her two daughters–who were sexually acting out and one, reportedly drew a picture in therapy “that depicted her father as an erect penis on legs”. Not only did Linda Marie loose her legal rights to her children but she was forced into supervised visitation after being falsely accused of Parental Alienation Syndrome, “Linda Marie has only seen her children during supervised visits for a total of 54 hours over the past two and a half years.” Linda Marie Sacks will never stop fighting for her children.

Another mother, Lorraine Tipton of Oconto Falls, WI, was jailed for 30 days after she refused to force her daughter to visit every other week with her allegedly abusive ex-husband. The Court found no concerns with the father despite his arrest record “Her ex, Craig Hensberger, was arrested three times for domestic violence and once for child abuse. His criminal record also includes two DUI arrests, one of which happened while driving with his daughter.” Hensberger admitted in Court that he is still drinking, and the daughter has also reported that she has seen her father drunk on numerous occasions.

Joyce Murphy, of San Diego, took off with her daughter after the Court granted custody to her allegedly abusive ex husband. The father, Henry Parson, was accused of child molestation. He countered the allegations by accusing Joyce of Parental Alienation, and won custody. Six years later, Parson was caught in the act of child rape, “pleaded guilty to six counts of child abuse, which included oral sex with a child, molestation, possessing child porn, and using a child to make porn.” It is sickening to think Parson only got 6 years in prison while the children involved will suffer for a lifetime! Joyce Murphy was able to win full, permanent custody of her daughter after the conviction. It is unclear if any member of Family Court was investigated or penalized for their role in returning a child to an abusive home.

These stories are unbelievable but true–and are just the tip of the iceburg. Family Court does not conduct criminal investigations when allegations of abuse arise–even when children are involved, instead they rely on their own court-appointed experts (guardian ad litem, psychologist, evaluators, mediators, etc) for counsel and direction. These court-appointed experts usually do not have the training to deal with abuse allegations, and without a jury or other form of representation, most mothers are at the mercy of these experts–who hold the esteem of judges and have nearly invincible power. Most women cannot afford an attorney and will end up bankrupt after lengthy legal proceedings, or will attempt to represent herself.

At the same time, most women don’t want to go to criminal court or don’t have a strong enough case for criminal charges. And Child Protective Services will usually shy away from investigating custody cases or refer to the findings of the court experts already appointed.

Another weapon used against mothers is Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS, “There’s no doubt fathers play a critical role in a child’s life, and in most cases, are equally loving and capable parents who deserve custody. However, studies find when a wife accuses her husband of abuse, more than half the time, she faces a counter-accusation of “parental alienation syndrome,” or PAS. ” PAS is not a certified medical condition–it seemingly only afflicts women at the onset of divorce (not at any other time in life) and has no recognized cure or course of treatment. PAS has on main symptom–a mother becomes so angry at her ex that she will make up stories of abuse in order to denigrate him, and turn the children against him, which is “alienation”. PAS means the very act of divorce creates cause for suspicion of “alienation“. This article does balance the debate and includes opinions by Dean Tong, author and forensic consultant, who supports PAS.

When you are finished reading, go check out the UAADV link to your state!

Sending my support and encouragement to UAADV and to all mothers fighting to protect their children, Evanlee

Caveat: Parenting education classes are extremely beneficial.. However, if your ex-spouse refuses to stop badmouthing you in front of your children, defies court orders, and attempts to turn your child against you; parenting education will probably not benefit your ex-spouse. Parental Alienation is persistent and severe. Please see Dr. Warshak, author of Divorce Poison

Children in the Middle (May be taken in privacy of your own home) Program has controlled outcome research outcomes

Up to Parents:  A free, confidential, and interactive website
for divorcing and divorced parents

Our Family Wizard  

The OurFamilyWizard website is an online custody calendar and information manager that allows you to easily schedule and track parenting time, share important family information and expenses as well as create clear communication.

What can the OurFamilyWizard website do for me?

The OurFamilyWizard website reduces divorce conflict between you and the other parent by providing a shared tool for scheduling parenting time, sharing information and managing expenses.

Can the OurFamilyWizard website help me in court?

Definitely! You can use the OurFamilyWizard website to track changes in child custody or parenting time.  Every page on the site is stamped with the last time both parents viewed the page and every entry on the site is stamped with who made it and when it was made.  The OurFamilyWizard website produces clear, compelling printouts that are specifically designed for use in court.

Articles such as Burwell’s: Be careful what you say to your children undermines the hell that alienated parents endure and mocks the pain of children. Clearly, a little clarification is needed. Richard Gardner did not develop Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). He coined the term. Richard Gardner provided us with a name to the nightmare. He labeled what parents live through all over the world. He named what the media distorts and some professionals deny.  True, this theory “ignited a hotbox of controversy still burning today.” It is also right that, “Battle lines were drawn between men and women’s groups, courts, professionals and even governments.”  The division however does not nullify the existence. PAS is controversial due to a lack of education and media distortions.

Noting that, “no professional association has recognized it” is far from the truth. What many refer to claiming that it is not recognized, translates to “PAS is not real because it is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM). True, PAS is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Yet, it is only logical to consider that the DSM is not a test of whether a disorder exists (Gardner, Sauber, & Lorandos, 2002). Asperger’s syndrome, as only one example, took 37 years before inclusion into the DSM.  The cluster of behaviors by those living with Asperger’s did not suddenly appear the day the DSM included Asperger’s. Similar to PAS, the behavior patterns manifested by those living with Asperger’s, occurred long before someone gave Asperger’s a name and formally recognized it as treatment worthy.

Sure, Gardner has received much criticism. As well, so did Freud and many others that observed similar patterns and subsequently coined a term and created theories. In regards to Parental Alienation, it is not true that studies are lacking. There are currently over 200 studies. And no, the studies are not exclusively performed by Gardner. Yes, it should be “very important to watch what you say and do in front of your children.” However, Parental Alienation stems far beyond a few bad words exchanged between hostile parents. Lastly, when true parental abuse and/or neglect are present, the child’s rejection is justified. In the case of parental alienation, a child rejects a parent when physical and sexual abuse is absent. The rejection is unwarranted. A child is brainwashed to hate the other parent.  Parental Alienation is mental abuse.

David Van Nuys, Ph.D. Updated: Mar 5th 2008  

 

Dr. David Van Nuys: Welcome to Wise Counsel, a podcast interview series sponsored by MentalHelp.net, covering topics in mental health, wellness, and psychotherapy.

My name is Dr. David Van Nuys. I’m a clinical psychologist and your host.

On today’s show we’ll be talking about parental alienation with my guest, Dr. Amy J.L. Baker. Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. is the Director of Research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection in New York City and she is author of the 2007 book, “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking The Ties That Bind”.

Dr. Baker earned her Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology at the Teacher’s College, Columbia University in 1989. She is also the author or co-author of over 50 peer-reviewed scholarly publications in topics such as parental alienation, child welfare, parent-child attachment and parent involvement in their children’s education. She has appeared on TV, radio and in the New York Times. She has presented at numerous conferences.

Now, here is the interview…

Dr. Amy Baker, welcome to the Wise Counsel Podcast. 

Dr. Amy J.L. Baker: Thanks for having me on the show, David. 

David: Well, I’m very glad to have you here and we’re going to be discussing your book, the title of which is “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome”. So I guess the logical place to start is what’s meant by the term “Parental Alienation Syndrome”? 

Amy: That’s a good place to start because there is some confusion, some people use the term “parental alienation”, some use the term “Parental Alienation Syndrome”. The working definition that I use is that parental alienation is a set of strategies that a parent uses to try to effectuate a child’s rejection of the other parent who I refer to as the “targeted parent”.

Parental Alienation Syndrome is the resulting behavior and attitudes within the child who come to believe that the targeted parent is someone unworthy of having a relationship with.

Now, it’s important to know that not all cases of the child rejecting a parent qualify as Parental Alienation Syndrome. 

David: Interesting. 

Amy: We only consider PAS when there is no other reason. In other words, if a parent is abusive or neglectful or moves away or is a poor parent in some ways that results in the child saying, “You know Dad (or Mom), I really need to step back from this relationship”, that’s not PAS. It’s only PAS when the child is being manipulated by one parent to reject the other parent in the absence of a good reason for rejecting that parent. 

David: OK, so just to make sure that I understand and we’re talking about a situation maybe where parents are about to get divorced or have gotten divorced or maybe have separated or about to get separated and one parent turns the child against the other parent, is that right? 

Amy: That is right and it was first identified in the context of post divorce custody litigation, that is parents who are divorced fighting over visitation and parenting schedules. But in my research and in other research as well, it’s become pretty clear that this can happen even when the parents are still married and living in an intact family. 

David: Interesting. Now, is this a new diagnostic category? I mean, does it occur, for example, in the diagnostic and statistical manual of the American Psychiatric Association? 

Amy: It does not, yet, and it is important to note that this manual is an evolving, living document. It’s updated only every 20 or 25 years and the last time it was updated, this concept of PAS was so new (Dr. Garner began writing about it in the mid-1980s), there wasn’t enough to allow the people who make the decision about what gets into the DSM and what stays out to conclude that this deserves to be included.

The DSM is going through another round of revisions, I think it’s due out at some time in 2012 or something and at that point, PAS may be included. It really depends on how much empirical research and the lobbying and behind the scenes sort of pressures to include it and not include it that are going on.

So, simply because it’s not in the DSM doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist and just as a reminder to your listeners, it took Tourette Syndrome, I think, 100 years to be included and PTSD was only just included in the DSM-III, even though many people believe that it existed long before its inclusion in the DSM. 

David: Wow! That’s interesting background… 

Amy: Yeah. 

David: And also, you do highlight that to some degree, it’s also a bit of a political process and a little bit of a lobbying process. You made some reference to research and your book is a fairly thick one and I have the impression that it’s based both on research and on clinical experience. Can you talk about to what extent is the book based on research and to what extent on clinical experience? 

Amy: It’s 100 percent on research and theory. I’m actually not a clinician… 

David: Oh. 

Amy: I only do research and the book is based primarily on interviews, in depth interviews with 40 adults who believe that when they were children they were turned against one parent by the other parent and then I used those case studies to explicate various aspects of PAS theory that I’m interested in writing about. The book is solely based on that. I don’t have a clinical practice. 

David: OK, that’s interesting. Somehow, I didn’t pick that up. Now, how did you become first interested in this as an issue? 

Amy: Well, a researcher’s dream is to find a topic that is both rich and fascinating and which there is human drama and a relatively understudied area where there is a significant need to be filled so that there’s a kind of “ready made” audience for your findings. The opposite of that is to do a study and you write a book or an article and it just sits on a shelf and it doesn’t help anybody.

I really found this topic of PAS because all of my research is on parent-child relationships and I work primarily in the field of child welfare, so it’s a topic I was familiar with due to my professional employment. But I became aware when I first started to really want to do this research, that there was nothing known about this. It was so understudied and yet there’s such a huge demand. Targeted parents are so hungry for information. That’s why I really settled on the topic. 

David: Interesting. Now, in the book you outlined three patterns that PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome can take. Perhaps you could describe each of the three patterns and maybe illustrate each one from the cases that you studied. 

Amy: Well, I would like to say that I think it’s quite possible that there are even additional patterns other than the three that I identified because my sample was only 40 cases. But I think these are the three main ones. 

David: OK. 

Amy: The first one is your sort of standard case that Richard Gardner, the person who identified PAS, described in all of his work on PAS. It’s a narcissistic mother in the context of a divorce who due to her fragile ego and her desire to exact revenge on the husband who’s leaving the family. Through this psychological foundation she turns the children against their father. This is your classic PAS case.

The reason why it is important to know that there are other patterns is that a person who’s a mother who believes that she’s losing her children due to PAS may go to a therapist and say, “I think my children’s father is trying to turn the children against me and I’m very concerned” and if the therapist only has this prototype in her mind, she may very well say back to the mother, “Oh, it couldn’t be PAS, it’s something that only mothers do to fathers.”

Likewise, this might be something that’s brought up in couple’s counseling or marital counseling. And again, if the person thinks that this only happens in the context of post divorce custody, litigation by mothers to fathers, this concern might be dismissed.

So, part of my mission is to educate people and just to sort of leap ahead for a moment, I’ve done a couple of surveys, not interviews, but survey studies with targeted parents and I can put out a call on the Internet today that says, “Do you think the other parent of your child is trying to turn your child against you?” and I will get 50 percent mothers and 50 percent fathers. When I get talks, the audience is completely mixed between mothers who are going through this and fathers who are going through this.

So, although my first pattern that I talk about in the book is your classic mother doing it to the father in the context of divorce, it is not the only pattern. 

David: OK, what are the other two main patterns? 

Amy: Well, the second one is mothers doing this to fathers but in marriages that remains intact. Yeah, this really did surprise me. It’s sort of one of the magical beauties of research, is you can be surprised by your own data. I put out a call on the Internet, “When you were a child, did one of your parents turn you against the other parent and did you later have the realization that this was the case?”

That’s how I recur to people and I actually expected to find people who only had this experience in divorced families and 10 of the 40 people that I ultimately interviewed told me that their parents remained married. Yet their hearts were completely hardened to this other parent even though their parent stayed in the marriage and stayed in the family home. So the child has access to that parent on an ongoing basis.

And even though clearly the mother wasn’t doing it to exact revenge for the husband leaving the marriage, it’s still seen, based on the interviews, that she did have a narcissist personality. She did seek gratification from the children. She wanted the children to believe that the father was the cause of all the family’s pain and suffering and she did want to align the children with her against the father even though they were still married. 

David: OK, so what’s the distinguishing factor then between the first kind and the second kind that you described? 

Amy: The first one is the parents are divorced and the second one the marriage is intact. 

David: Oh, OK. Great! And then the third major pattern? 

Amy: The third pattern is sort of the other… And this is why I’m saying if I had a larger, larger, larger sample I might be able to pull out different versions of this other. 

David: Yes. 

Amy: But in this other category, there were father alienators and mother alienators. Basically, rather than being narcissistic and seducing the children into their camp, so to speak, they were abusive. The parents seemed to have a more anti-social personality disorder rather than a narcissistic or borderline. They really pull the kids to them through fear of rejection, fear of abandonment and more kind of controlling, even physically and sexually abusive style.

So that third category, it’s different from the first two not only because it includes fathers but also because the style, the strategies that those parents use are somewhat different. 

advertisement // David: OK. In your book, you refer to the “cult of parenthood” and that seems like strong language. So, in what ways is parenthood a “cult”? 

Amy: Well, I have to tell you this resonates with targeted parents when they read this. I actually wrote this chapter first and it got circulated on the Internet and I was flooded. It actually made its way around the world. I was getting emails from people in South Africa and New Zealand and whatever. Because if you experience this, from what I gather from talking to targeted parents, you feel like your child is in a cult. There’s complete adulation and obedience and devotion and allegiance to the other adult.

So, the way in which it’s like a cult is first of all, alienating parents use many of the same strategies that cult leaders use. The same youth control, they create dependency, they use the same black/white thinking. If you break it down on a point by point basis, alienating parents and cult leaders use essentially the same thought reform and emotional manipulation techniques.

It’s also an interesting analogy because it helps us understand how do people leave this cult of parenthood? There’s a lot of literature about cults and how people leave cults so we can sort of apply that to understanding how to help people have the realization they’re victims of PAS. It’s also a useful analogy in terms of the long term effects.

When I interviewed the people who had this experience as adults and I said, “Well, what was this like to you? What do you think this meant to you? What’s the impact of this on you?” They talk about the very same negative long term effects that we know people who’ve been in cults have. 

David: Wow! That’s really interesting to me because I’ve made something of a study of cults myself and certainly what you described rings true. Now, later on in the book you talk about the strategies that one parent will use to alienate the child from the other parent. Maybe you can talk about some of those strategies? One of the things I’m wondering too is whether or not those strategies are conscious or unconscious. 

Amy: That’s such an interesting question and I think the answer is essentially, “it depends”. I think there are some alienating parents, based on my research with both targeted parents and these adult children and now I’ve kind of provided consultations with maybe 100 targeted parents just talking to people on the phone.

And basically, I conclude that some alienating parents are very conscious and they will say to the targeted parent, “It is my life goal to ruin your relationship with our child” or “my child”. Usually, they just say this is “their child”. Or they’ll say: “I’m going to make your life a misery.” 

David: Ouch! 

Amy: Yeah. They are very powerful, charismatic, hostile, aggressive people; these alienating parents, some of them. But I think others are less conscious in what they’re doing and sort of have tricked themselves into believing that they’re doing this for the child, “No matter what it takes I’m going to save my child from that horrible, horrible, horrible person”, who they used to love and were married to, but now they’ve kind of completely demonize them.

So, the level of consciousness I think really varies and unless I interview them, I don’t know that I could really answer that in more detail. 

David: Yeah, that’s not surprising. That’s what I would expect, is that it would vary along a continuum just as you’ve described. What are some of the chief strategies that they use in alienating, whether conscious or unconscious? 

Amy: Well, the main one is badmouthing. I wish there was a more sophisticated term for that but basically, when I asked the adult children, “How did mom turn you against dad? How did dad convince you that mom was bad and to move out of her house?” What they remembered first and foremost was a continual litany of negative remarks made about the other parent and the alienating parent spared their children nothing.

These children remember hearing their other parent talked about as a “whore”, a “slut”, an “abuser”, an “alcoholic”, a “lazy bum” and no detail of the targeted parent’s life was too small to criticize. One woman remembers that the main criticism that her father and stepmother had about her targeted mother was that she made instant oatmeal in the morning, rather than oatmeal from scratch. The daughter came to believe that her mother was lazy and didn’t really care about her because “Oh, my God! She used instant oatmeal.” 

David: My goodness! 

Amy: But when you boil it down… 

David: [jokingly] Not the oatmeal. 

Amy: When you boil it down, the message that is conveyed to these children is that their targeted parent is unloving, unsafe and unavailable. Now, when you strip away the details, the message is basically that parent doesn’t really love you, they’re not really around, they’re not really doing anything to take care of you and in some cases, the message is that person is dangerous.

One boy remembered asking his mom, “Tell me about Dad” and the mom said, “Well, one day he came home from work and he said, ‘Wrap Johnny up in a blanket, I want to take him out.’” Adult Johnny remembered as a little boy saying to his mother, “Well, why did Dad want to take me out?” and she said, “I don’t know. I think he wanted to throw you in the river” when there was no reason to believe that that’s what his father was going to do. 

David: Right. 

Amy: So, a constant inundation of the message that that other parent is really no good and not available anyway and then when you tie that to the other part of the message which is basically, “If you pursue that relationship, you will lose me.” And that was the other strategy that these kids remembered, is that the relationship with the alienating parent felt like it was in jeopardy if they wanted to have any contact with the targeted parent.

They would go for visitation and they would come home and the alienating parent would be angry. Some of them remember being given inferior portions of food, “Oh, you went to visit your father? Here, you can have the smallest lamb chop on the plate” kind of thing. 

David: Wow! So it’s… 

Amy: And they were given the cold shoulder, they weren’t talked to for 24 hours after visitation. 

David: Yeah, so really it’s a kind of emotional blackmail and I know in the book you strongly suggest that PAS is a form of emotional child abuse? 

Amy: I do indeed because although there are many definitions of emotional abuse and I just picked one, you could take any definition and compare on a point by point basis and you would see that PAS really lines up. Even if you didn’t do it on a sort of systematic basis, just intuitively, it makes sense to say, “Well, a parent who makes a child lose a relationship with the other parent is abusive in and of itself.” Even if you didn’t also conclude, as I do, that these very strategies that the parent uses are abusive. 

David: Yes. Now, as I mentioned earlier, the title of your book is “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome” and to me that suggests that the effects of PAS linger on into adulthood. So what sorts of symptoms or effects do you see or what the clinicians see in adults? 

Amy: Well, the people that I interviewed talked at length about self-esteem problems. They said they hated themselves and thought that they were horrible, horrible people. Part of this is the guilt they felt when they finally had the realization that they had been manipulated to treat one parent very badly.

Let me just say that children who have gone through this really treat the targeted parent very shabbily. They’re rude, ungrateful, nasty, hostile and cold. They really put the targeted parent through the ringer and if they ever do figure out, “Gee, I was really manipulated by Dad to treat Mom really badly.” They grow up and they feel badly about themselves.

But they also have self-esteem problems because they’ve been told their whole life that one of their parents doesn’t love them. They’ve become too dependent on the approval of the alienating parent. This is another way in which it’s like a cult. Good parents aim to promote the self-efficiency and independence of their children but like cult leaders, alienating parents really want to maintain that dependency of their children on them and that in turn does lead to a low self-esteem. They don’t feel they can take care of themselves and make good choices in the world. 

David: OK. 

Amy: I can go on but maybe we need to move on to another topic. 

David: Well, even though you’re not a clinician yourself, do you have any sense of what the process would be by which an adult suffering from this might recover? 

Amy: Well, in terms of the catalyst to the realization, which isn’t necessarily recovery but it’s sort of the first step… 

David: Sure. 

Amy: The very first step is sort of having this… I don’t want to say it’s an epiphany because it really wasn’t an epiphenal moment for the people I interviewed but an awakening or a realization that yes in fact, they had been manipulated by one parent to forego a relationship. So they really need to have that realization in order to even deal with everything else.

The people I spoke to said it was a very, very painful realization for them. They had this sort of admitted that they’ve been lied to and tricked and cheated and they lost time with the parent, who really didn’t deserve to be cut out of their life. They lost all that time to somebody who they eventually came to value again.

So the realization process often is very painful but, from a clinical point of view, it has to happen. It’s like an addiction. You have to admit you have a problem before you can even begin to deal with it. 

David: Certainly, certainly. Now, what if you’re being targeted for alienation? Let’s say your parent and your mate is somehow targeting you for this kind of alienation. How should you respond? Is there a way to be of helpful to the children in that case? 

Amy: Yes, I have a lot of advice, and again, I’m not going to have time now. Maybe at the end, I can give my email address so people can contact me if they want. 

David: Certainly. 

Amy: But for the minimal advice, don’t argue with your children about the details of their disgruntlement with you. The kids show up for visitation and they’re all trying to treat the targeted parent, “Why did you have an affair? Why did you steal our money?” They sort of have been bothered in all these personal details; and they believe things that aren’t true.

But it’s sort of pretty much a waste of time to argue with your child. I think the best thing a targeted parent can do is say something like, “I hear that you think I did (whatever). I can see why you would be so hurt and angry. I’m so sorry you’re hurt and angry. I do have my own perspective. If and when you want to hear it, let me know. In the meantime, let’s go (insert fun activity).” That is, if you’re lucky enough to still have contact with your kid. 

David: Yes. 

Amy: It’s the trick that the alienating parent — one of their strategies — is that they send their kids for visitation trying to have a big fight with the targeted parent. The targeted parent often takes the bait and then they end up spending the whole visitation fighting with their kids. Then, the kid leaves and goes, “Mom’s right! Dad is unsafe. All he did was yell at me all weekend.”

So, you have to find ways to acknowledge and amplify, put it on the record that you have another side to the story, but leave it at that unless they come to you. If they do come to you and say, “You know, I do hear want to hear what happen to my college fund. I do want to hear your side of things.” Unless this is appropriate given the development level of the child, then they’re going to be receptive. But you can’t wave around the bank statement in their face, and they’re not going to look at if they don’t want to know the truth. 

David: Yes. 

Amy: Well, that’s sort of my main advice. Now, for people who have already lost their kid. People email me or come up to me and tell me, “I haven’t seen my kid until the year.” My main advice is never give up on your kid, never give up hope. This kid do eventually, some of them do eventually figure it out, and most important thing is for them to know that you’re still there and that you’ll open your arms to them, no questions asked.

So I advise, unless your lawyer or therapist tells you otherwise — and always do what your lawyer or therapist tells you — you should be having some contact with your kid every week, every month, whatever it is. IM them, text message, send them a gift, send them a card. I don’t care if you think you know for sure that that kid is ripping up your card and spitting on it and throwing it out. You still send the card because the worst thing from the point of view of the people I interviewed, it’s the parent who stopped sending the card and stopped reaching out, and then they’re alienating parent turns around and the kid and says, “See? Your Dad is a bum. He never writes you.” And look what the kid say, “Yes, I guess you’re right. He doesn’t write.” 

David: That sounds like really important advice. Maybe this is a good place for you to in fact, give your email address in case people want to get additional information from you. 

Amy: It’s very simple. It’s amyjlbaker@aol.com. So, it’s my professional name but without the periods after the “J” and the “L”. 

David: OK. 

Amy: I invite people who reach out to me. I’m not a clinician. I can give one shot advice or direct you to maybe to a therapist or support groups or some kind of help of support groups who start in my county. Because I know the targeted parents are so ashamed and so frustrated and so demoralized, they really believe the core while dealing with it. 

David: OK. Well, I wonder if there’s anything that you did not get a chance to say that you’d like to say before we wrap things up here. 

Amy: Well, I do recommend a particular website. I have no vested interest in it. It’s just a website I think is good. It’s called Parental Alienation Awareness Organization.

I do encouraged people who are going through this to read the book. I feel that I can give you perspective in reading the book because it really is the voices of the kids who have gone through this.

I welcome every body to reach out to me and I give my heart out with sympathy to anybody who’s dealing with this short of the death of the child, this is one of the most tragic and painful things that a parent can go through. 

David: Well, Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, thanks so much for being my guest today on “Wise Counsel”. 

Amy: Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

David: I hope you found this interview with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker informative. If you were someone you know as caught up in this sort of parental blame game that she describes, you do well to take a look at her book as well as the website she mentioned. And as you heard, she would welcome any inquiries or comments via the email address she gave earlier. In addition, I would encourage you to post comments on our show’s website.

You’ve been listening to Wise Counsel, a podcast interview series sponsored by MentalHelp.net. If you found today’s show interesting, we encourage you to visit MentalHelp.net where you can add a comment or question to this show’s Web page, view other shows in this series, or simply page through the site which is full of interesting mental health and wellness content.

Access the show’s page and show archive information be at the podcast box on the MentalHelp.net home page. If you like Wise Counsel, you might also like Shrink Rap Radio, my other interview podcast series which is available online at www.ShrinkRapRadio.com.

Until next time, this is Dr. David Van Nuys and you’ve been listening to Wise Counsel.

 

A common trait among alienating parents (AP) is that many of them have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The Mayo Clinic describes the disorder like this:

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

The Mayo Clinic has a fairly long list of symptoms, but I think they are best summed up in this paragraph:

“When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don’t receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.”

Usually people with narcissistic personality disorder have a fear of abandonment. Often, they felt abandoned themselves somewhere along the way in their own childhood. They feel the need to control everything so that they will not be rejected or abandoned once again. This helps to explain why the AP does what he/she does. They want to control the child so that the AP will continue to feel special and also ensure that the child will remain loyal to them, and only them.  The narcissist usually feels no guilt because they are completely “entitled” to do this to the child and to the other parent.

To any narcissist reading this: I guess you were right, this blog post IS about you!

2010 Stepfamily Satisfaction and Suspected Parental Alienation Experience Survey

This is absolutely the most momentous survey being circulated. According to the National Stepfamily Resource Center website, U.S., because of a Census Bureau decision, many estimates of marriage, divorce and remarriage were derived from the 1990 Census and earlier data sources. Through this nationwide project, as facilitators of stepfamily support and children’s welfare, we look forward to providing current information to legislators, researchers, families and educators.

Our desire is to create more satisfying parent-child relationships through support and services awareness and to reduce the risk of child abuse and the academic neglect that is paired with distracted parenting. Thank you for participating in the survey and for creating awareness of its purpose.
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Instructions: The survey takes about 15 minutes to complete. Copy and paste into a new E-mail, then add your answers and return to:

ResearchResponse@StepfamilySystems.com. Don’t worry if it prints out of alignment, we’ll be able to discern line breaks. By postal mail, send to: StepfamilySystems.com, Research Response,1101 California Avenue, Suite 100, Corona, CA 92881.

From StepfamilySystems.com: Your participation will enter you into a drawing for a family surprise for summer 2010! (Don’t know what it will be – yet. The more participants we have, the greater the give-away potential from sponsors who are interested in our site activity before making commitments!) Please, pass the word.

*We encourage our readers of Parental Alienation Syndrome Maryland Support Group to participate in this research. Click here to take the survey! Let us know what you think after you are done. Thanks! 

Parental Alienation: Looking for Answers  by Monika Logan

Parental Alienation is when a parent turns a child against the other parent. Wait—it gets worse. The child plays a role as well; the child over time will contribute to hateful antics for a once loved parent. As a warning, Parental Alienation does not only occur in divorced families, but also may take place in intact families. The majority of cases occur after a bitter divorce. The divorce is often one that the alienating parent did not want to endure. Consequently, the parent that was served the papers is at an impasse. They are lonely, angry and want revenge. Feeling hopeless and helpless they attempt to settle the score by aligning himself or herself with their child. Considering that marriages do not last, professionals should educate themselves on the perils of Parental Alienation.

The alignment that takes place in parental alienation is unyielding. Yet, it is anything but a normal parent-child bond. Various factors will strengthen the alignment. If the child’s interests, temperament and disposition are closer to the alienating parent, the other parent may end up losing a relationship. Boundaries are blurred and friendships are formed. The parent becomes the child’s new “BFF” (best friend forever). The alienated parent may have no idea why their child is full of anger, spite, and employs language beyond their years. They also feel helpless and wonder what to do about the utter disrespect that they endure. Alienated parents also worry endlessly about the values their child was once taught. Alienated parents’ remain curious as why his or her ex-spouse decides to discard all the good that was imparted to the child when they were an intact couple.

Parents additionally question why an ex-spouse would start a campaign of denigration. They are in awe that their child is used as a pawn.  To contribute to possible therapeutic options, Gestalt therapy might offer some insight. According to the Gestalt approach, “the past will make regular appearances in the present moment.” The approach is also phenomenological and based on the premise that people must be understood in the context of their ongoing relationship with the environment. For the parent left behind, their view is that their environment screwed them, life is unfair and they must seek revenge to savor their ego and rid internal conflict. They will stop at nothing, even at the expense of an innocent child. Freud might postulate that they are all ID.  Gestalt theory also posits that individuals have unfinished business. Unfinished business is when figures emerge from the background but are not completed nor resolved. Clearly, one of these figures may be an ex-spouse and a broken relationship. The feelings go unexpressed and will manifest as resentment, rage, hatred, pain anxiety, grief, guilt, and abandonment.

For the deserted parent they will seek to fill this void of unfinished business. They will buddy up with their child and verbally terrorize his or ex-spouse and poison the mind of their child. As the norm, the parent that perpetuates Parental Alienation, does not seek therapy; they do not believe that they have a problem. Consequently, their emotional debris goes unacknowledged. Their present-centered awareness is cluttered and their child is becoming brainwashed. While Gestalt therapy allows one possible lens to view the sickness of parental alienation, it is unlikely that the alienating parent will care how they are thinking, feeling, and doing. 

Currently, many helping professionals do not acknowledge the danger of Parental Alienation. It is not deemed treatment worthy. However, due to the divorce rate, especially vitriolic divorces, Parental Alienation should capture the attention of every helping professional. The notion that it is junk science should be discarded. Women’s groups should also realize that men too are capable of alienating. Parental Alienation is not biased but it is destructive. The mental abuse of innocent children will continue to occur while innocent parents’ live with worry. Continuing to deny Parental Alienation is harmful to children and families. Just one social networking site alone (facebook) has over 900 members . Individual members are from all around the world; seeking help, searching for children and desiring acknowledgment of PA. Rather than searching for fault-finding and debating treatment options, much can be learned from Person Centered Therapy.

Empathy is a key term in Person- Centered Therapy. When it comes to Parental Alienation, Carl Rogers core conditions should be embraced by those in helping positions.  I disagree with Rogers notion that we are all innately good and are in pursuit of truth and social responsiveness however; Rogers focus on empathy is desirable for alienated parents. Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy is a deep and subjective understanding of the client with the client. Sure, empathy will not change that one’s child is alienated from him or her. Insight and understanding are not equal to change; nor will insight enforce court orders.

The fact is that the alienated parent may never have a restored relationship. Some may lose a child for months, years, or permanently. Parent’s are in emotional pain.  ”A chief culprit of this pain from the parent’s point of view—apart from the loss of the child—is that of being blamed for the rejection of the child.” (Baker & Andre, 2008). The parents are also in a constant state of worry.   The child may continue to live in an unhealthy enmeshed adult-like relationship, in which all the other parent can do is sit back and watch.  However, when alienated parents are understood, healing can begin. “If the person does not feel understood and accepted, he or she may lose hope of returning to normal and may not seek help in the future. Genuine support, caring, and nonpossessive warmth can go a long way in building bridges that can motivate people to do something to work through and resolve a crisis” (Corey, 2009).