Today I got my first agent request for a partial (first 3 chapters & synopsis). Insert “woo hoo” and a happy dance here. Very exciting! The timing seems serendipitous since I recently blogged about revising the manuscript for just such an event. I didn’t expect to have to jump into it today, but I was more than happy to tackle it.

In the scheme of things, a request doesn’t mean publication is imminent. I know plenty of writers who’ve been getting requests for partials and completes for years, and are not yet published. Still, I’m excited because my query letter generated some interest, and that’s the first step.

Knowing that I’m doing my best to get in the game keeps me motivated to move forward, and forces me to do the hard work (like revisions). I learn more about the art and business of writing every day, and when the call does come, I plan to be ready.

—

The Daily Squirrel: goodbye

The ballpoint pen left ink blots on the paper as she wrote out words of goodbye. Or badbye. If badbye were a word, that would more accurately describe this parting. Badbye to the angry outbursts and sarcastic remarks. Badbye to the forgotten anniversaries and birthdays. Badbye to the whole damn waste of three years. Her heart lifted and she smiled. “Badbye, Gary.”

TRACKLIST:

01. Intru
02. Auto-portret
03. Un jurnal continuu (cu Pactu)
04. Despre Cocalari (cu Partial si DJ Poison)
05. Fara titlu
06. La fel insa diferiti
07. Cioarso
08. Romania este a noastra!
09. Caracter nedefinit
Bonus traks:
10. Danny – Autopsia gandurilor (cu Topsic)
11. Marcelino – Povesti nemuritoare (cu Topsic)

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3207312    ฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ 1    Removable Partial Denture I

ศัพท์เฉพาะเกี่ยวกับฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ การแบ่งชนิดของสันเหงือก ส่วนประกอบและหน้าที่ของฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ เครื่องเซอร์เวย์และวิธีการใช้งาน

(Removable partial denture terminology ; classification of partially edentulous arches; component parts of removable partial dentures and their functions ; surveyors and surveying procedures.)

(3207312 จุฬาลงกรณ์มหาวิทยาลัย)

3207313    ปฏิบัติการฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ 1    Removable Partial Denture Laboratory I

การทำฟันปลอมบางส่วนชั่วคราวชนิดถอดได้ทั้งแบบธรรมดาและแบบใส่ทันทีหลังถอนฟัน การทำฟันปลอมบางส่วนชั่วคราวชนิดถอดได้ฐานอะคริลิกแบบมีตะขอลวด การซ่อมฟันปลอมชนิดถอดได้

(Fabrication of usual and immediate temporary removable partial dentures; fabrication of acrylic-based removable partial dentures with wire clasps; repairing removable dentures.)

(3207313 จุฬาลงกรณ์มหาวิทยาลัย)

3207415    ฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ 2    Removable Partial Denture II

ข้อบ่งชี้และข้อพิจารณาในการเลือกประเภทของฟันปลอมให้แก่ผู้ป่วย ขั้นตอนการทำฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ ปัจจัยต่างๆ ที่มีผลต่อการทำฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ วัสดุที่ใช้ในการทำฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้

(Indications and considerations for prescribing prosthetics service; procedures of constructing removable partial dentures; factors affecting construction of the removable partial dentures; materials used in constructing removable partial dentures.)

(3207415 จุฬาลงกรณ์มหาวิทยาลัย)

3207417    ฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ 3    Removable Partial Denture III

การตรวจ วินิจฉัย วางแผนการรักษา และการเตรียมสภาพช่องปากเพื่อการใส่ฟันปลอม การออกแบบฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้

(Oral examination, diagnosis, treatment planning and mouth preparation; removable partial denture design.)

(3207417 จุฬาลงกรณ์มหาวิทยาลัย)

3207418    ปฏิบัติการฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ 2    Removable Partial Denture Laboratory II

การวิเคราะห์ชิ้นหล่อด้วยเครื่องเซอร์เวย์ การเขียนแบบฟันปลอมลงบนชิ้นหล่อ การเตรียมเรสต์ การกรอปรับแต่งฟัน การกำจัดบริเวณส่วนป่องบนฟันหลักที่ไม่ต้องการ การกรอสร้างพื้นที่คอดที่ต้องการสำหรับปลายตะขอ การวางแบบขี้ผึ้งตามลักษณะโครงสร้างฟันปลอมส่วนโครงโลหะบนชิ้นหล่อ

(Analysis of casts with surveyors; design drawing; rest preparation; blockout-relief; preparation for clasp seat; waxing the pattern.)

(3207418 จุฬาลงกรณ์มหาวิทยาลัย)

3207419    ฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ 4    Removable Partial Denture IV

การบูรณะฟันหลัก การตกแต่งฟันและการเตรียมเรสต์ การลองโครงโลหะ และการพิมพ์ปากเฉพาะที่ ความสัมพันธ์ของการสบฟันและการจำลองการสบฟัน การใส่ฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ การแนะนำวิธีใช้และรักษาฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้ ปัญหาที่พบบ่อย การแก้ไข และการซ่อมเสริมฟันปลอมบางส่วนชนิดถอดได้

(Abutment teeth restoration; tooth alteration and rest preparation; framework try-in; functional impression; occlusal relationship and transfer; insertion of removable partial dentures and counseling the patients; common complaints and removable partial denture adjustment; repairing reline and rebase.)

(3207419 จุฬาลงกรณ์มหาวิทยาลัย)

3207721    ฟันปลอมบางส่วนถอดได้ขั้นสูง    Advanced Removable Partial Prosthodontics

แนวคิด ทฤษฎี หลักการและเทคนิคปฏิบัติตามขั้นตอนของการให้การรักษาด้วยฟันปลอมบางส่วนถอดได้ โดยเน้นหนักนำไปใช้รักษาผู้ป่วยที่ขั้นตอนการรักษามีความซับซ้อน ชนิดที่เกี่ยวข้องผู้ป่วยที่เป็นโรคปริทันต์ รายที่มีการบูรณะฟันหลักและฟันข้างเคียงด้วยการทำฟันปลอมติดแน่น ฟันปลอมที่ใช้ตัวยึดแบบต่างๆ และฟันปลอมคร่อมหลัก

(Concepts, theories, principles and techniques of removable partial prosthodontic treatment, emphasizing on complicated cases: multidisciplinary cases concerning the restorative treatment in the periodontally affected cases, combined cases with restoration of abutment teeth and adjacent teeth by fixed prosthodontic, attachments and overdentures.)

(3207721 จุฬาลงกรณ์มหาวิทยาลัย)

painting, red and black 2009-no.01, 16″x20″ acrylic on canvas, by alyse radenovic,  at http://www.aelisheva.com

As visitors to ‘At the BookShelf’ would know, I have been reading ‘Reformers and Their Stepchildren,’ by Leonard Verduin. I have now started chapter four and progress through the book may appear slow and you may think this is a reflection on the quality of the book. That would be a mistaken assumption however.

In reality I am finding the book a brilliant treatment of the differences between the ‘partial reformers’ (such as Luther, Calvin, Zwingli, etc) and the more ‘radical reformer’ who sought a complete transformation of the church to that which more accurately reflected the New Testament model.

The ‘slowness’ of my reading is more a reflection of my reading half a dozen or so books at the same time. Reading so many books at any given time is fairly normal for me – in fact, I would call normal (for me) reading far more books at any given time, but I am trying to reign myself in a little here. I just love reading – I am a bibliophile and bookworm remember

The third chapter of Verduin’s work has to do with the lack of true church discipline in the churches of the Reformers and their indifference (generally speaking) to ungodliness in the church (remembering that their churches basically included all in a given location or region).

The third chapter presents a very clear case of the real time contradiction of the Reformers and the reform they were bringing to bear on such places as Geneva, Zurich, etc. To a large extent their work of reform didn’t go anywhere near far enough to satisfy their ‘stepchildren,’ who when they tried to go further were branded as heretics, with their efforts at a more thorough reform being identified by the reformers as evidence of their heresy.

It is a very engaging chapter I believe and one that is helpful for shedding light on Christianity even to this day.

Estudio numero 3 para gesellmethoden.
Definicion: tiempo = 1/6 secs, freq = 1/4 tono, playback = 0.7 del tempo original

New image in the photo effects photography contest

A partially desaturated image of some good graffiti (that is now painted over)

Never to be photographed again …
Partial Desaturation photography picture

This is my “tag cloud”.  I should lie and say it’s some deep philosophical poem, but it’s not, although, if you look hard enough there are some oh so clever words teemed together.

Putting this up raw, without a second thought, more in the nature of online archiving than for presenting as a polished bit of thinking.  I was mostly concerned with trying to untangle the threads that were winding about.

It feels like there’s gold somewhere in here…much slag to clear away first.

The difficult equations come where sets/tags intersect, depending on what other values/sets/tags are in this particular instance of the overall narrative.

Possible that each decision moment reshuffles the weighting of various tags, which would also require a redefinition of those intersection moments based not just on current states but past shuffles.

And branches—because those are unavoidable—are determined not so much by specific user choice as by the collocated value of the intersection where the choice is made:  that’s what determines the weighted values of the reshuffling.

Here’s the example:

3 very basic meta-tags for our prime story, election of a new mayor:  Government, Press, Business.

Each meta-tag has anywhere from a few to a few dozen possible story threads within them.  Government allows you to pursue a role as a candidate (for which party, or a fringe 3^rd party, or independent), or an advisor, or lobbyist, or independent PAC leader, or other governmental employee (Police, Fire Department, etc.), etc.  Journalism allows you to pursue a role as a reporter (beat or investigative…and at which paper/tv station/website), columnist, editor, business/advertising/marketing scum, etc.  Business allows you to pursue a role as a real estate developer, organized labor leader, governmental sub-contractor, etc.

Each of these story threads is conceived and written as part of the larger, overall story of the election…and realistically, there are only a few possible outcomes to the election, and for each of the roles depending upon (or independent of) the election’s outcome.  The non-linearity being pursued here is not the exact final destination, it’s the path taken to get there, and the unexpectedness of that outcome depending on what’s come before.

So, you’ve got these meta-tags, like so:

And then each meta-tag has a whole bunch of sub-threads, like so:

And of course there’s a wide variety of possible ways each sub-thread could go:  an advisor to a candidate could be angling to help win the election, so they get an appointment in the government, or to get a job with a business that supports the election, or to tank the election in hopes of a position with the winning side afterwards…a labor leader could decide to run as a 3^rd candidate, a blogger could angle for a position in one of the campaigns…these possibilities would have to be somewhat limited, just for feasibility, but that’s more a function of the initial concept for the overall narrative (i.e. choose something somewhat simple) than the inherent nature of the choices.  You want the player to not feel restrained by the choices available to them—if they can think it, they can do it—you just want to make sure that the amount of possible choices and thoughts are reasonable based on what initial states are given to them.  For example, the deputy chief of police could angle to support one candidate to get a promotion, or another because he’s sincerely in favor of his policies, but can’t decide to quit his job and join a bluegrass band…because the game’s about an election, not a damn Altman film.

So here’s where the non-linearity happens:  within each sub-thread, each and every moment where a choice is made that is more affecting their course than “turn left” or “turn right” (though in the proper circumstances, those could be profound choices), is tagged with a variety of values:  not numeric, at least not at this point, but contextual.  So, you can figure that 99% of the possible moments within the game will be tagged with “Money”, or “Power”, but only some of them will also be tagged with “Zero-sum outcome”, and even less with “Positive-sum outcome”…while all possible moments will either be tagged with “quid-pro-quo” or “selfless” or “advantageous”, but only one of those three.

Each moment will have multiple tags, as many as makes sense.  And it is the resulting tag cloud that will impact the progression of the player through the narrative.

The player will choose initially one of the three meta’s, and a random shuffling of all tags will occur, with weighting being given to those most prominent within the meta they chose.  This shuffling determines what possible moments in each sub-thread are available to them (the hidden “coherence” tags determining how likely one is to be kept or not”), with the outcome being weighted but inherently random.

Each moment they make a choice, the tags that apply to the chosen option will be given higher weighting, and those that apply to the non-chosen option will be given lower weighting…a lot of this will cancel out, as both possible choices might have the tag “Money”, so while it will both be higher and lower weighting, regardless of what is chosen, those will cancel each other out…but other tags will not…for example, “Money” might cancel out, but “Profit” might only be tagged to one of the two choices…and “Long-term Profit” vs. “Short-term Profit” would be a black-white type choice…or both options could be tagged with “Short-term Profit”, but only one with “Long-term Profit”…the key is to make sure that all possible tags are meaningful, and properly applied.

Then, at key moments where larger decisions are being made—the first primary election, or the first debate, or what have you—the accumulated value of all weighted tags is used as a modifier to reshuffle the basic tag cloud.  So it’s possible that you could play through the game twice, making exactly the same decisions each time, and get different meta results each time, or you could play through twice making entirely different decisions each time, and end up with the same basic meta results each time.

Partial obedience is not obedience at all; to single out easy things that do not oppose our lusts, which are not against our reputation, therein some will do more than they need; but our obedience must be universal to all God’s commandments, and that because He commands it. Empty relationships are nothing; if we profess ourselves God’s servants and do not honor Him by our obedience, we take but an empty title. Let us seek grace to make our professed relationship good, at least in our affections, that we may be able to say, I desire to fear Thy Name; yea with my spirit within me will I seek thee early (Isaiah 26: 8-9).

- Richard Sibbes

Sometime back, I was chatting with this girl ‘SHE’. The name is not revealed as it may lead to identity revelation and unwanted interrogation and expectation and assumptions from fellow mates.  I’ll tell you how this conversation started and ended in knowledge exchange and sharing which is the most desirable event in a conversation.

I was busy with the documentation work for my code testing. Suddenly a new mail alert popped out (Outlook Users understand this better) in my desktop. The Subject read – Solve this if u r genius. I opened the mail and found this one below

The mail asked me to find why there was a gap in the second triangle if the area of both the triangles, formed by rearranging the smaller pieces is same.

Since I was an engineering graduate and to the fact that, we had “Engineering Mathematics”  for first two years with one maths paper for each semester, I looked into the figure more carefully, so as to dust my brains to check any traces of mathematics data existence which I had to study and work out for two years of my engineering life.

Whoa !! Some trigonometry question!! Hmmm….Not bad, my brain still works and it is active as before. !

I quickly remembered that the area of the triangle can be calculated by adding the area of the squares (Partially filled and fully filled. Filled with colors in this context). And found few squares which are not occupied by the triangle, so I counted the number of partial squares and found that they are same. I thought the area occupied by the triangle in the partial squares in both the figures may be different.

I pinged her…

ME: u know that ans?

SHE: No, u know?

ME: Yea

SHE: Tell…

ME: The area covered by the partially filled squares

along the hypotenuse is not same in both the figures.

So I think all those differences come into Single Square

when u re-arrange the pieces

SHE: mmm…do u think the hypotenuse line cutting the squares

are slightly different points in both the images?

ME: Yea

SHE: But, between two points there can be only

one straight line.

(Oh Yes, That’s true, we cannot have more than one straight line in between two different points. Point noted !! So how can this be. I started thinking again)

ME: Yea, but u see the slopes are different in both the

cases as the angle of inclination of the hypotenuse to the

base is different.

SHE: But how? They both are right triangles,

ME: The blue and red triangle forms the

Hypotenuse rite??

SHE: yea. . . .both of them have hypotenuse forming the same line

. . . parallel sides. . both base and height so. . it should the same angle

of elevation…then. . how can it have diff slopes?

ME: Haan par the angle of inclination differs as the

length of the hypotenuse differs…

SHE: but. . still. .as length of hypotenuse differs. .

but proportionally the other two sides too…rt?

ME: u have to construct a cardboard model and see

…u’ll see that the long hypotenuse is just bent a bit…..

if u r not sure….

SHE: ok. . but.. how is it theoretically possible. .

The base lines of the triangles in both figures are parallel,

the hypotenuse are parallel. .which means. . They should have

same angle of inclination / slope rt?

ME: mmm….it is optical illusion may b….

see this link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_square_puzzle

SHE: hmmm…

ME: thats wat it says…i told u na….the hypotenuse

lines are different in both cases…..wiki says in a

different way…it says it forms a quadrilateral

SHE: for the quadrilateral. . its understandable,

because. . The length of the sides gets increase,

so. .it was obvious dat there should be a gap somewhere

….for here, the base length and height are still the same and

if u look at the first diagram, which is sort of animated they flip

the blue and red triangles, the blue one exactly fits into the red one

’cause they are proportional. . dat is…of course only a visual thing. .

actual measurements can differ..

But. . I don’t see a reason y they shouldn’t have the same

slope / angle of slope

ME: hmmm…yea…but visually they appear proportional…

but wen u chk with a card board or chart paper model

u’ll know !! even I’m not satisfied with the wiki thing…

only wen u chk practically u will know..

SHE: OK.. I’m getting it. .. but . . .

y wont it have same slope????

ME: Equation of straight line, y-y1 = m(x – x1)

m = (y – y1)/x – x1)

‘m’ is slope…according to my knowledge, since the difference

between x and x1 & y and y1 differs, the slope differs..

SHE: :S…dunno….will have to actually calculate

ME: I did

for red,  m = 3/8
for blue, m = 2/5

it differs very slightly…

SHE: haan

0.375 and 0.4

ME: yup

Exactly….so the combined hypotenuse line doesn’t cut the

squares at same points in both the figures.

doubt cleared uh?

SHE:

Yes

ME: hehe…!!

now i got a gud topic to blog !!

SHE: blog?

ME: I’ll put the conv in blog with some edit !!

SHE: How??

On what??

ME: disguise the names

SHE: u r gonna blog about a missing square??

ME: u havent seen chat blogs??

SHE : ???

good good

nope. . not much

this will be tirst one i guess

when u write and post

ME: hey u wud have seen that

lots of ppl rite

SHE: not really

I have seen blogs where ppl mention a few lines from a chat

and write the rest on it

or mention the line somewhere in the chat

like

my frnd told me. . .etc

ME: oh…

anyways..see wen i post

SHE: hehe…all right

In the end of the conversation, I could conclude that the slope thing was there and the hypotenuse is not cutting the partially filled squares at same points in both the figures. So the remaining area of the partially filled squares along the hypotenuse of figure 1, comes as a single unfilled square in the figure two when the shapes are rearranged!

So with this, conversation ended for a few minutes. I really do not know if we have come to a conclusion about this missing square. Or this is still an unsolved one. But both of us were satisfied that we found an answer for the missing square and we were able to justify our conclusions with the mathematical proof.

Out conclusions may be wrong….If u have any other answers, please post it in the comments!!!

A few disjointed thoughts as I wait for the engines to wind fully back up to production volume…

We have really long, straight hallways at work.  You can see people coming from quite a ways off.  And I never have any idea what to do when I see someone, down at the other end, that I would say hi to when passing them in the hall.  Because I’m not passing them yet…we’re like 50 yards away from each other, passing is still 10-20 seconds off.  Not enough time for a conversation, even if we wanted to start one off by yelling.

So what am I supposed to do?  Do I say “hey” when they’re still down at the other end, and then have a nice uncomfortable silence as we continue walking towards each other, eventually passing and being clear of it?  Or do I wait until they’re close, like pretending I haven’t seen them, even though I clearly have, just so I can say hi in a normal volume of voice in the second or two before we pass and not have to worry about maintaining a completely aimless connection with them for as long as it takes to walk the length of the hallway?

This kind of thing has, at times, prevented me from actually getting up from my desk.  Though I’m comforted by knowing that most of the time the other guy looks just as conflicted as I feel.

I had a much longer piece I was working on to go up here, and it took one too many turns, and now is so far off center that a few simple tweaks isn’t going to get it back on the beam.  It needs to be broken down for parts and rebuilt.  So, instead, a summary:

I am sick and tired of your post-playa/retreat/epiphany/ecstatic/drug glow and commitment to change your life.  And yes, I’m talking about you, specifically you, so get over it; I wouldn’t be writing about this if I hadn’t gone through the same thing myself plenty of times, we’re all a bunch of dumbfucks.

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.

Which means, briefly, that if you think that a weekend or a week in a carefully insulated environment designed to provoke the maximum possible ecstatic experience is going to change your life forever, you’re dreaming, and need to sober up.  You could see the face of the Buddha himself on Sunday morning at sunrise, and come Monday morning, you will still–guaranteed–fail to completely wipe your ass and leave a little brown streak on your drawers.  You will still need to go to work, and fill your car with gas, and eat dinner to avoid a low-blood-sugar headache.  You will still need to continue living…chopping wood and carrying water.

Unless and until you can bring your pursuit of enlightenment down from the playa/desert/mountain/wherever, and into the mundane details of your daily life, then those details will never change, and over time–might be a few weeks, or days, or even hours–their accumulation will bury any enlightenment you might have thought you had while chilling on your sleeping bag near the campfire while some long-haired goatee’ed hemp-wearing soft-spoken environmentally-conscious sub-100-IQ’ed small-dicked high-on-E’ed (but only half a dose) faw-food-eating barely-passable excuse for a human-sized version of a generic-brand tampon strummed lightly on a guitar and sang an off-key version of a confused protest song written by a fucking Canadian prog-rock band and covered by a third-tier 80’s hair band which this doofus thinks wrote the song in the first place since that’s the only version he’s ever heard.

*deep breath*

To paraphrase thousands of years of Taoist thought, enlightenment’s not where you think enlightenment is, it’s where enlightenment’s not.

Well today is a D-day of sorts for me. I finished my partial hospitalization. I gotta get back to the “real world”. I decided that a) I need money, and therefore MUST work and b) at this point it just seems like I am wallowing in self pity, and quite frankly, who needs that?

I learned a lot, and made a lot of really great friends. People that actually understand me and get me and my little “quirks”. They probably know some of the most intimate details of my life, and instead of running, for once, I am embracing my new friends and holding them dear to my heart. As I expressed before I believe in Kismet, fate, whatever you want to call it; I believe I was meant to meet each and every person I encountered there.

I hated to leave; I felt such a strong connection and bond to a lot of people there, and I was surprised by the similarities between us all, even though we were all so very, very different. I feel much stronger and much more confident, even if things aren’t going to turn out as I planned, and I have a good feeling that may be the case. I finally feel strong enough to accept my greatest fear: being alone.

My therapist pointed out that I’ve been alone for a very long time, and it’s true. I’ve got so many walls and barriers to protect myself and I occupy my mind by taking greedy helpings and piling them on my plate. Except everything meshed into one, and it was hard to determine what was what. It all, eventually, becomes one, but I was forcing it too soon. I have to slow down and enjoy my life so I don’t drop my plate again. I can never allow myself to shatter like that again. I need, and have managed to a bit, lose some emotional weight, take smaller portions, and refuse a second helping, even if I feel I can make it fit.

So I’m not going into reclusive mode, just trying to be comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. I don’t want to feel that nervous itch beneath the surface again, and I will fight to keep it that way.

I think at this point I’m rambling about nothing, maybe it’s the meds and the bronchitis (yes, I’m sick AGAIN, shock there).

For once, I feel good about the future, even if it’s disappointing, and it likely will be. Not to be pessimistic, but I guess that’s life. It’s up and down, and I cannot afford: financially, emotionally, or physically, to get back on the emotional roller coaster, jumping from happy to sad to happy. I don’t mean I’ll never get depressed again, because unfortunately, it is what it is, but I’ve got to take control.

So wish me luck. I’m afraid it’s going to be awkward at work, because everyone will ask where I have been, and frankly, I don’t feel like being the topic of discussion at work. I don’t want to be handled with kitten gloves (is that the right phrase, or did I just unconsciously want to throw kitten in my blog?). I’m not fragile and don’t want to be treated as such. I WAS for what seemed like an eternity, BUT I am no longer that frightened little girl. I can defend myself and do what is right for me. I’m a hard worker, and feel I will have to work twice as hard to prove myself again, but I can handle it. I thrive under work-related pressure; it’s a good distraction from everything.

So what’s my status? I haven’t a clue, and that’s okay. Like my mom says, it’s a sad situation, and it’s okay to cry, but I will not allow it to consume me any longer.

And so it is, not to be cliche, the beginning of something new; the first day of school. I’m excited and nervous.

I can’t seem to end this rant, I haven’t really said anything clever or enlightening, but, you know what? that’s fine with me.

Control. It’s all about control. Do not let the fear control you. But not just ‘the fear’, but rather ‘that fear’. Remember back to last time. Don’t let it control you this time. Don’t.

I opened my eyes and lifted my head slowly to peer around the room. The walls were breathing, rythmically moving in…and out. I stopped breathing for a few moments but the sight itself persisted on its own accord. I glanced up at the cieling, large, oval lights hanging densely from chains. The cieling was bowing down and inward as a tarp would during a rain storm, and the lights each seemed to be defying gravity in their own way, bending upward. I looked down towards the floor with the closely-knitted carpet that appeared as thousands, millions of tiny bugs crawling all around. My eyes shut tight again.

Do not let it control you. It’s not real.

It was a different world. An alternate reality. How odd and strange it seemed. The stained glass windows came to life, very linear in places, just shifting, but in others there seemed to be backgrounds and foregrounds, a waving banner, a spinning pattern that gave the feeling of tye-dye brought to life. A large crack in the wall grew silently, extending out in all directings, slowly, yet never moving and never changing. I followed it up the wall onto the cieling, circled by water stains. Where did it start? Where did it stop? I couldn’t tell anymore.

Just take it all in. Breathe.

Lowering my head I began to snap back to reality. The worship music was still playing lightly in the background, but was now coming into the foreground of my consciousness again, as it should’ve been all along. I peered around the room, wide-eyed, at everyone. Sitting, standing, kneeling, bowing; singing, praising. Worshiping. They were all so focused on God. And me? I was focused on…on things that don’t even exist. Moving inanimate objects. Things that defy the laws of physics and reality.
God was the reality, but I was there, focused all everything that wasn’t Him. Surrounded by people were surrounding Him, and that wouldn’t  understand the things that I see. The things that I saw. I was sitting in a room full of people that could not see what was seeing. A room full of people who could not understand.

How alone can one feel in a room full of people?

And I Pray

I have options when it comes to this.
I could run through the room frantically ripping every cord from its outlet, tearing them away from the walls. I could try and silence the world, all in some pointless effort to make it go away.

I glanced over the bland wallpaper. So bland, so boring, and wondered how I got here. Not to this place, but to this point in time. How was I so strategically placed into this moment of my life. And…why did God put me here, in this place, at this time, in this position?

I could crank up some music, louder and louder, slip on my heavy-duty headphones that cover my ears and sit in the corner drowning it all out. Drowing out that noise; the music, the voices. Try to focus on something else so I don’t have to think about it, any of it. Or I could just sit her and take it.
Mind over matter. Focus on other things. It’s not really there. It’s all just a trick. Close your eyes and focus on other things around you. The crickets, the fan, your own breathing. Slow everything down and stop thinking about. I can’t understand it anyway. I have options but I’m stronger than this. Mind over matter. But, it’s my mind that’s the problem, isn’t it?
I can’t understand them anyway. It’s faint, just enough that I can’t make out the words. No matter how hard I try they’re all just out of reach. Even the melody, no I can’t fix on that either. It changes. I can hear the static. A radio shifting from station to station. Static, static. Bits and clips of voices, changing, distored. Here and there and everywhere. I’m losin’ it.

I’m losin’ it.

And I Pray

The bracelet they gave me when I checked in was loose around my wrist. In funny gray letters it stated my first and last name, my birthday, and it gave me my patient number. It’s laid there against my skin, smooth and light. I played with my ring, my class ring with my birthstone in the middle, my name on one side, and “2007″ on the other along with a comet and art symbols. I slid it on and off looking over the tan line it’d left on my ring finger. Ironically my so-called marriage finger. I used to use it in hopes that the sight of it would deter the soldiers from laying out cheesy pick-up lines down while I was at work. It still makes me smile thinking of just how ineffective it was.
There was an IV in my other arm. Tape and more tape held down the tube that continued on its way under my skin into my vein. I got a creeping sensation up my back when I thought of it. I had comfortable jeans on, my favorite pair. I was barefoot, wearing my favorite button up shirt with blue and tan and white stripes. Varied shades of blue. It was my kind of shirt. It all should’ve been so comfortable. There was a bag, a black bag, draped over my shoulder where the wires all went. On one side a bunch of differently colored wires bunched together continued up, glued to different parts of my head, all covered up with a white net. It never worked when I tried to tuck my hair up under it. On the other side of the black bag a long, thick gray wire connected into the wall. It all pulled a feeling in towards my heart, a trapped feeling. I felt like a caged bird, stuck inside a room, never alone. Eyes peered in every few seconds.
I had a window though.
It’d been storming since I arrived. When I gazed outside the large window into the world I could see the ominous sky; gray and dead, contrasted against the brown brick buildings that filled the city. There were more large windows, like an endless series of squares and rectangles. A city of lines. But even with the repetitive lines and the cold, dead sky, in the midst of all the quiet chaos was a faint rainbow. I could recall the kids at work telling me over and over what colors are where in what order in a rainbow: ROY-G-BIV. The rainbow was faint but it’s there and I thought of Genesis chapter 9, Noah and the Ark, God’s covenant symbolized with a rainbow. A sense of hope. It made me sad to think that I always thought so analytically. It was much easier in the times when I could just sit and take in the beauty without a thought or a word. Just a silent, accepted praise. Looking over again in hopes that maybe I could recover that, that I could look again without the logic, I saw nothing. The rainbow disappeared. It was gone.
The sun had come out for just a few moments, lighting up the brown bricks to a dull orange and the tan like white. I could hear my father breathing deeply and snoring in the corner chair, twitching every few seconds. I could honestly say that I was jealous. They wouldn’t let me sleep. I’d drifted off earlier, Bible in hand, not knowing that I was sleeping. I could still see the words but I was letting my mind wander. I thought that I was still awake before my father tapped my knee to wake me up. It’s an odd feeling waking up from being awake. The world spins in and out for a few minutes while your brains takes time to soak it all in and readjust. The light shone off the glass in the neighboring buildings, large window panes reflecting all sorts of images making it hard to discern what exactly is going on. The rain drizzled on and off, on and off, looking like a light static overlaying the environment. It was hard to imagine that it wasn’t just one big sheet, but rather a million little rain drops, perfectly round, with glints of reflected light of the surface. Hard to imagine.

The bracelet they gave me was loose, loose and light, draped softly around my wrist.

And I Pray

There is just something special about horses, both wild and domestic!

I want to try to keep helping wild horses!  I am donating through Christmas, partial proceeds of all of my print sales (horses, wild horses, landscapes, western), as well as 5×7 Cards,to my favorite wild horse non-profit organization, The Cloud Foundation!  thecloudfoundation.org

TCF truly cares about keeping safe genetics, and having appropriate numbers of Wild Horses running FREE in America!

I believe that every dollar given will make a difference!

A purchaser’s list of names will be sent in to The Cloud Foundation with the donation check.  Please help in any way!

Print Galleries

Card Galleries – see above blog post

SPOTLIGHT:
5×7 Card   ‘Cloud and Family’
Cloud ‘cleared a straight path’ to the snow drift, then went back to his family, as if saying, ‘OK, lets go!’ (front side).   The mares then led Cloud’s Family downhill, past the other bands, to cool off in the snow (back side).

5x7 Art Cards, Cloud and Family

Order Cards now by calling the studio 830-997-8066 , M-F, 10am- 6pm CST or
email studio

I believe in omens, signs, fate, karma, whatever you want to call it.  I spent a good bit of time typing up this blog earlier today, and it just vanished.  Just like that.  I’ve NEVER had that problem with this site before.  And if you’ve ever used this site,  you know it auto saves like every 1.2 seconds.  So I took it as my sign, that I didn’t quite say the right thing or what needed to be said.  Think I’m weird if you will, but you’ll understand by the end of this blog.

First off, this category is called, “Thank you my lil angel”, this person deserves more than her (I’m picking a sex and sticking with it so I don’t have to he/her the whole time) own category, she deserves a whole interwebby of nice things said and done for her.

I feel like I’ve been giving some great challenge at this blog, and I don’t know how to even put my head around it to make it what it needs and wants to be.  I tend to dream about thing some times, I’m not psychic, but I think that is where I receive spiritual communications at time.  Take what you will of that.

In an odd way, I swear it was Connie communicated to me through someone else, because what happened today, is something she would DEFINITELY do, and that I’m certain of.  When I took a nap earlier today, after my blog self-deleted, I dreamt of Connie.  I’m not sure about what, but somehow it made me mentally connect what happened today and her.

I don’t really feel like I grieved properly over her.  For those of you who don’t know, Connie was a dear friend I met with my Get Inked for Pink organization.  I feel like there is a reason I came up with the organization, literally in the middle of the night, and a reason I completed it **note, for those of you who know me, I have LOTS of ideas, very creative, realistic ideas, and I won’t complete them for one reason or another, but mostly because I’m too ADHD.

So there is a reason I came up with the idea, and received so much support that I actually stuck with it, there’s a reason I walked into her tattoo shop that day.  I know there’s a reason, greater than just creating a great nonprofit organization to help others.  It just all seems so cyclical as I sit here and type this, maybe I’m crazy, but it’s amazing in my head right now.

I know I was meant to meet Connie.  She was such a strong courageous person.  When she got cancer for the last time a few months back, I honestly wasn’t even remotely concerned.  I knew she would beat it, because she was Connie, she was invincible, and she did everything with a smile and made it seem like nothing more than a cold.  I regret more than anything, taking on this attitude, because I felt differently, I would have been able to see her one last time, but I kept putting it off, for one reason or another.

I fell asleep after work one day, and had a horrible nightmare.  I woke up in a panic.  I dreamt that my friend Megin (she is a breast cancer survivor) had died, and Connie had contacted me via IM to let me know.  It was a very lucid dream and I was terrified when I woke that Megin was dead.  Once I composed myself I was relieved to realize it was only a dream.

I got up, logged on the computer, and got the horrible news, from Connie.  Except it was about Connie, not Megin.  Connie was not responding to chemo or radiation, and was dying, very quickly.  They gave her two weeks to live.  I told her I loved her and prayed and did everything in my spiritual power to help heal her, but it was too late.  It was so sudden, I believe she died within 5 days of that email.

Then that’s when everything piled up on my plate at once, and it was too full for me to carry and I dropped it, and shattered it.  I don’t want to get into all the details of what is, was on my plate, but those of you who I want to know, know.

I needed REAL help, and that’s what I’ve been getting.   A lot of people are afraid to talk about needing or getting professional “mental health” but I’m not, I never really have been.  Some people just have issues that are too large to handle with normal, ideal, measures.  I know there’s a stigma with it, and I don’t care.  I know my limits, and I reached beyond what I could mentally handle.

I entered into what is called “partial hospitalization” it’s basically therapy for 5 hours a day (I have been working part-time).  It’s very exhausting physically, and mentally, but I have created life-long bonds with the people I have met.  They are all there for one reason or another, but we all have one thing in common, we all needed help.  I’ve learned so much from my new friends and staff there that I am indebted to them.  I’m so glad I got help, because had I not, I would not have met any of them.  A lot of the people, I ordinarily wouldn’t have talked to or bonded with in ordinary situations.  I feel like each of us there, is there for a reason.  I think we were all meant to meet for one reason or another.

Today, the most amazing thing ever happened.  I had been having a semi-rough day.  I only have two days left there, and I’m scared to get back to “regular” life and “handle” things on my own.  I still haven’t dealt with a lot of issues and emotions, and I’m scared I won’t have the strength to do it on my own.

After my session today, I and another girl from my session was pulled aside (I can’t use any names here so I don’t violate HIPPA or anything like that) by a woman.  She told us we were very blessed and that someone had sent her an envelope.  We each opened our envelopes and I started crying immediately.

An anonymous person gave me an undisclosed amount of money, with a note tacked inside that said, “In Jesus’ name”.  My girlfriend and I just sat there and cried and our minds were going wild with who, what person had done this?  We’ve been touched by so many people, but who had we touched so deeply?

We both were in dire need of this, me financially, as well as mentally.  It really restored something in me.  I had honestly lost faith in humanity and its ability to be kind to others.  It lifted me in a way I can’t describe.  I was feeling so hopeless, but this person, this angel, gave me this remarkable gift.  It could have been $5 dollars or $1 and I still would have been as touched.  She gave 100% selflessly, when she could have taken credit for her good deed.  I’m writing a letter to her tonight, and I hope she receives it, I hope she is one of my followers on here, if so thank you from the deepest depths of my heart.  I don’t know how I ever will repay you, but I will find away.

I feel like whoever left me this gift, is an amazing person, and that Connie, some how was communicated to me, that she is okay, and that I am and will be okay.

Maybe you all don’t see the connection, the little dots connected from one to the other, but I feel it, and that’s all that matters.  Maybe it was sheer randomness, my medication, or luck, but I feel like it was much, much more than that.

Thank you again, my lil angel.  I will forever be grateful for your kind gift, and I hope, even if I never figure out who you are, that we are and stay in touch.