Flirtation

Every once in a while, Twitter gets used to express attraction.  This is almost exclusively done during periods of intense blackout, since revealing this desire is akin to laying all the cards on the table.  And if one Dawg publicly rejects another, in a setting as solid and impermeable to “He said/He Said” shenanigans as Twitter, it’s Game Over.  Until the next weekend, at least.

Passive Aggression

What Twitter is most often used for in Dawgville.  It can be as simple as not responding to someone’s original @you tweet, or can be unleashed in a more meticulous manner, like:

- Stealing someone’s link and claiming it as your own discovery instead of RT-ing.

- Receiving a tweet that includes many other @mates and leaving one of the original @mates off in your response.

- Tweeting about “SOME people!!” but really addressing one specific follower.

- Creating fake Twitter accounts to harass friends and enemies alike.

- Tweeting and RTing another Dawg’s boyfriend an unnecessary amount of times in one day

- Unfollowing someone then retweeting @yunofollow, @yu-unfollow, or a similar “iswydt” proxy.

All of these are just examples, but the real beauty of Twitter; the thing makes it the Death Star of Passive Aggression is that if the target ever calls you out, they can be mocked for “getting angry about something on fucking Twitter, lolz!”  It’s the 21st century version of pushing someone down the stairs then calling him clumsy.

But because being in the room and being the punchline of a joke is better than not being in the room at all, Dawgs stay logged in, and make time to carve their own personal Twitter Dawgdenities, which we will now break down.  To survive Digital Dawgville, you must learn to adapt and fit comfortably amongst these categories:

@RichieRichDawg

Sample Tweet – “Shopping is exhausting!  Lunchbreak at Villa Blanca!”

RRD tweets about all the fabulous places he goes on a daily basis in his amazing and exceptional and amazing and blessed and amazing life.  He most likely will say just this, without a shred of irony, in his profile.  It’s difficult to judge Richie RichDawg, as he has complete honesty about his lack of wit, knowledge or personality.  Filling the deep void left behind is lots of money, most likely belonging to his family, or acquired through “pool cleaning” services.

I’d give some line here about how RRD’s life is obviously shallow and loveless, and how he gets no real enjoyment from any of the things he brags about, but I think we’re all past those cliches.  In truth, Richie RichDawg may get no happiness from these things, but he at least enjoys being able to brag about all of them, and at least 75% of the people reading his tweets do actually wish they led his life.

So nobody’s really happy about the way things are, but the people who are jealous of RRD can kinda enjoy making fun of him, and RRD can kinda enjoy making these people feel poor.  So basically if this were that bible story with King Solomon and the baby, everyone would have a babylimb or two to take home.

@NahNahNahNahNahDawg

Sample Tweet – “Texts are so much more fun when they’re PRIVATE!”

Remember how when we were kids, we all loved doing that “I’ve got a secret and it’s really really good but I’m not supposed to tell you” thing to each other?  Well some Dawgs never got that chance, so they decided to make their entire adult life about it instead.  5NDawg is ALL about you knowing he has secrets, and Twitter is used solely as a platform for him to make you starve for the minute details of his day, real or imaginary.  In fact, even if you suspect 5NDawg of staging the events behind his innuendos, it’s ok: the fact that you’re thinking about his life enough to wonder if he’s lying means he’s already won.

If he’s in a secret relationship, he’ll put the digital tie around the bedroom door for all too see, and if he’s not, he’ll leave the tie there anyway and hope you’re imagining him doing something exciting.  The fact that you’re paying attention to him is all that he needs, and if he’s working this hard for it, why shouldn’t you give it to him?  It takes five seconds of your attention, yet it validates his very existence.  Don’t be an asshole; follow 5NDawg and humor the kid, for God’s sake!

@Buddawg

Sample Tweets -

Fri Afternoon: “Why does everyone run around looking for their perfect mate when they need to work on loving themselves first?  Look in the mirror before you complain.”

Sun Night: “I need a cuddle buddy “

Buddawg spends his days tweeting moralistic epiphanies too gay for “Glee” fan fiction, and spends his nights violating every single one when tested by real life.  He then collapses in a violent storm of drunken tweets, cursing everyone who “always lets him down”, passes out, wakes up to erase them all and brag about brunch with his “amazing friends!”.

This circle of drama is repeated weekly, never to be resolved, and worse: never to become interesting.  This makes Buddawg the rare type of dawg that’s actually dangerous to follow: the kind that slowly turns you hopeless and bored to life itself.  Unfollow Buddawg and save your soul before you turn to ice & mimic his weekly defeat.

@HugemessDawg

Sample Tweet – “U guys, I’m really thinking about killing myself.”

HugemessDawg is just that- a huge fucking mess.  He may tweet about an ironic pop star or randomly chosen childhood icon from time to time, but it’s just filler til he gets hammered, coked out and nihilistic, tweeting things that’d make Nietzsche’s corpse wince.  On the rare occasion he’s on too many pills and genuinely close to death, his tweets are uncomfortably hilarious, featuring out-of-order anecdotes that fill pages of timelines, often repeating themselves twice.  But usually he’s just a hair too self-aware for his escapades to be taken seriously, and as a result is largely a bore.  Standout tweets like “U guys I need help”, “U guys I have a problem”, and of course “U guys I’m a huge mess” inspire a feeling closer to flatulence than compassion, especially since another tweet wondering “what the baby from ‘Dinosaurs’ is doing now” is right around the corner.

@PaulaPoundDawg

Sample Tweet – “New Williams-Sonoma catalog…………aka New Gay Boi Bible!!!”

PPDawg is the gay equivalent of a stand-up comedienne in a Tampex commercial.  Only “myy perrriiiooddd” gets replaced by “I’m gayyyyyy!” as the all-purpose punchline.  It can be as well-earned as talking about OWN or as “meh” as drinking a can of Coke, but rest assured that whatever @PaulaPoundDawg is doing at this given moment is somehow related to the fact that he is really ridiculously gay.  In all fairness, PPDawg is barely a Dawg.  He means no one any harm, but twenty jokes in a row that are all basically one joke get old fast, and thus here we are.

So there you have it!  Once you’re ready to tweet like a Dawg, you’re ready to talk like one in real life, so it’s time to head to the clubs and get to experimentin’!