“I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now
I heard that you’re dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give you”

Ironic thing is that you are married and settled down, I wonder if it’s only because you got her pregnant first. I was never trying or wanting to give you those things a girlfriend or wife could. I guess I gave you nothing at all, but you made it seem different.

“Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.”

You were always a quiet guy, but not with me. Why are you being so shy, and not just telling me the truth?

“I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.”

I had a dream once that I showed up at your house and didn’t think you would be there, but you were. You finally gave me the time of day and explained yourself to me. The explanation didn’t stay with me upon waking, I wish it did.

I had come home not to long ago and I bet you weren’t expecting to see me. It was hard for me, you pretended to be nice. I had my chance to ask you why, but I got scared. Thanks for that.

“Never-mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg.”

I found someone, he isn’t like you, but better. If I could trade him for you, I wouldn’t need a chance to think about, I’d keep him.

I’m not a terrible person, I do hope you have a great life, happy marriage and smart children.

I know you forgot me, and all the good times. I wish I could forget you too. Just know you taught me a lesson, you can’t be friends with immature males. Immature because they can’t express feelings and such.

“You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives…”

Our friendship came and went. Two years flushed down the drain, what a waste.

“Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.”

I don’t know what my mistakes were, because you won’t tell me. I wish I knew so I could learn from my mistakes. Nothing compares, true you were there in some of my darkest hours, others can’t understand, but my boyfriend is here now. He understands that I’m still dealing with my past. But he will be with me as I come into the light and happiness. A much better time to be in someone’s life. I don’t think bittersweet is the right word, but who would have known I’d be so hurt by you. Had you know would you do it differently? My guess is no.

Now when I listen to this song, I may feel a little sad but mostly, I will be reminded that I said goodbye to you. Although you didn’t say good bye to me, I digress and say adios, peace out.

As I stated in my first post, that this blog of mine can be quite revealing. I have some confessions to make. There is a saying in the movie HANCOCK and it is something like “I surely am not the best looking guy in the world, but nobody?”. The statement might be just a tiny line in the script for everyone else, but hell it took me down just when it fell on my ears. I mean I know I wasted almost 9 years of my life on the name of infatuation and what I got was nothing but an ability to rhyme. I admit that my mistake pulled me into writing but what I did after exactly 5 pieces, was not at all a mistake. And no matter what this fuckin’ world say IT IS NOT A MISTAKE AND WILL NEVER BE REGARDED AS ONE!!!

So what if I know that I aim too high. So what if I keep my sorrows, vain and agony trapped inside me. So what If it all made me a non social nobody. So what if I try to think of ways to harm myself. So what if I am keeping myself in a mental prison with no open door where ain’t anything but a hole so that sunshine can peek in. So what if I pretend to be happy even when I’m dying inside. So what if my eyes are moist all the time. So what if I am not the same person I was 17 months ago. I am damn proud of what I did then and I am not letting it go. Not this time for sure. For once someone famous quoted “Never give up on someone, you can’t go a day without thinking about”. And in my case there hadn’t been a moment I went without thinking about.

I am someone who is capable of doing wonders. I just am too afraid to speak up, for I am afraid of losing everything in need of more……

Till next time…..
Peace Out!!!!

The song “Peace out” reminds of 70s style rock, it don’t sound too promising i think, i rather see a reunion of Morgana Lefay.

Listen to “Peace out” on Spotify here

Man, I could list people I owe thanks to for hours. Really. There’s too many to fit into one blog post. Through acts large and small, it’s been the people I know that have made 2011 fantastic. If it weren’t for the kindness, faith, an support of so many people, 2011 would have been “just another year.” It’s been far from that. It’s been my biggest year yet, and 2012 will only be bigger.

On my recent post about first experiences in 2011, my friend Mike Haley left this comment:

It’s not social media that is awesome, but the relationships made possible through the use of social media. What’s next for the great Rivard?

He couldn’t have said it any better.

Just a list of the pivotal moments of 2011 for me:

• Embarking on my first fresh year as a single woman, after six years with my high school sweetheart
• Scoring an internship in California, driving there, living there for three months, and totally experiencing life as I’d never seen it before
• The first #Agvodate
• Traveling to Nashville for the 2011 AgChat Conference
• Coming home to realize that Illinois isn’t where I’m supposed to be at this stage in my life
• Completing the most challenging and exhausting term of my college career to date
• Starting to plan my post-graduation life away from Illinois
• Losing the insights and inspiration of Chris Raines

The year wasn’t all good; there were plenty of dark spots, none of which measured up to the news of Chris’s death. It was shocking and painful and has cast a cloud of sorrow over the #AgChat, academia and food communities on Twitter and Facebook. I put into words my feelings following the new in this post, and I don’t really feel that any amount of words can adequately portray my feelings about it.

With that said, I’m looking down the road. I have six months left to my undergraduate degree (assuming all of the paperwork and grades work out). After that, it’s off to where work takes me. I have high hopes for a few specific opportunities, but I won’t be sharing any of that until things become official. I’m looking forward to the day I can announce that I have that big, official “big kid” job.

My New Years weekend actually started last night, on Thursday, continues with my best friend’s birthday outing tonight, and a few parties tomorrow night. While I galavant across the county celebrating the end of 2011, I ask that everyone parties safely and has a wonderful New Years weekend. I’ll see you on the other side!

cameras / black eyed peas / scarf / wax flowers / poppers / mirror ball / point cabrillo light station

scarf / baby’s breath / poster / egg cup / surprise ball / macarons

from Snowmageddon 2009

one / two

I have to say, I agree with both definitions.  But if it is a waste of time, and I could talk instead of text, why did I glum onto to text and never let go?  Because with our boys it was their preferred way of communication – fast, efficient and when they were younger – one of them hanging with his snowboarding crew at Whistler, or the other during his first months at university, I imagined they could hear the little ding ding of a text and swiftly text me back.  I do think they wanted to communicate with home, and in the new world of texting that they were part of, they could whip off a message to me, just to let me know that everything was cool, and none of the guys around them with bent heads and tapping thumbs knew it was mom they were updating, it could just as easily be a girlfriend or someone getting directions to the next party they were off to.

My first feeble attempts to text back when Hudson, our youngest son, first started university away from home had him sending me a mocking text, Mom, lernt to text and spel. My keyboard was tiny, three letters to a key, and my thumbs inexperienced.  Plus I had autocorrect and my messages were constantly being autocorrected to autowrong. When my three youngest let me into their texting world they used abbreviations with me, but after too many texts saying, Hudson, I don’t know what rofl (rolling on the floor laughing), or Cole, I’m stymied. Did you really mean to type PMS?  And him explaining, Mom it’s P.M.S. meaning Pretty Much the Same.   I thought I was catching on to some of the lingo and at the end of a sentence to our youngest daughter, Lily, wrote Peace.  She had to text back, Mom, Peace is like Peace Out, when the conversation is over.  It DOESN’T mean it‘s the other person’s turn to talk. 

I once texted Lily a funny story about her dad and I finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning when we didn’t have to play the parent role in a house empty of kids, and she sent me back this – “Oh Mom MSOOMN”.  I was finally onto the Urban Dictionary and looked that one up –  ”An acronym for Milk Shooting Out Of My Nose. An alternative for ROFL or LMAO (laughing my ass off).” Wow, MSOOMN – I’ll use that one, I thought.  But the kids stopped using text abbreviations with their old school mom.  They spell it all out.  I spell it all out.

Our oldest, Zoё, would rather talk then text, maybe because her hands are busy creating art, and she can tuck a phone under her chin.  Cole is a fast efficient texter, and almost always responds to my text queries.  Hudson, like Zoё, is text stingy, but I can get his attention, and if asked a direct question he would sooner text me back then listen to my voice mail message.  In fact, he’s let me in on a youthful secret.  Don’t leave voice mails, Mom.  Nobody does that any more. If I see you’ve called.  I’ll call back.  But if you leave a voice mail, then I know what you want and I’m less curious.  I think I get it – it’s a lesson in technological manipulation.

During our years of texting I have been guilty of many infractions, as defined by my new resource – the often helpful, but occasionally annoying Urban Dictionary.  Cole, Lily and I might be text addicts, but not textaholics, though according to Urban Dictionary definitions during our text volleyball we have of course, engaged in text tiffins (arguing via text messaging), and even text tirades, which has of course, caused text anxiety defined in the Urban dictionary as- “when you are texting someone and they don’t answer creating anxiety of why they aren’t texting, are they mad, are they being arrested, or what is taking them so damn long?“

I have been entertained by lively text-versation, have sent countless text-minders (“Grampa’s birthday tomorrow – call him, he doesn’t text”), and on days when I was busy with my own work, or trying to avoid it, I’ve sent all my family different text missives, having learned on my own to only ever ask one question at a time to receive an answer, and then waited for the little ding dings indicating one of them have answered me.  I have sent far too many text pas, usually involving sending a text to the last person that texted me, instead of the intended recipient – yikes!  Hudson has frustrated us all with his many textascapes  - an escape from all texting or other text based communications. Commonly occurring due to losing ones phone, and realizing shortly there after just how relaxing the break from technology is. 

    I’ve witnessed my kid’s blossoming text romances right from the text mackaging – a message sent with the purpose of ‘macking’ or ‘hitting’ on a person of desire. Flirtatious in nature, usually cryptic or ambiguous in hope for a response. And then seen them go on to engage in back and forth text flirting.  And let me tell you, any text sex better have taken place behind closed doors.  If I have butt into their text business it was to warn them against ever being so pathetic as to commit the text relationship dump.

Myself, I have tried not to be a text stalking mother, or to suffer text blindness – A person afflicted with text blindness is so absorbed by walking and texting that they have lost the ability to see oncoming danger. I have caused textafusion with unchecked typos.   I know I have used the text stretch or even the text embargo to try to illicit a response (usually to no avail – it was probably in my first enthusiastic days of texting and some quiet from my cell phone was what they wanted). 

On the other side of that I have been the recipient of the text that said simply, “Mom, I’m lonely“.  Or the more practical, “How much milk do you use to scramble two eggs?“ I’ve gotten a photo with a text that said, Does this raw beef look edible or like it’s gone bad?”  And of course the, “Please help, I’ve got 58 cents in the bank and my phone bill is overdue.”  There has also been the late night text, “Mom, you awake?” before a long conversation in the dark living room. Best of all I have felt the thrill of the text surge on a quiet day at home, missing all the chaos and noise of a house full of our family, when I’ve heard the repeated ding-ding of a new text, and then – oh joy – another and another.

A-Ha – Take On Me

7 AM>Fuck off forever, MBTA line transfers:

Billy Joel – Movin’ Out

8 AM>Walk from the train to the office:

Crowded House – Don’t Dream It’s Over

9 AM>Last solo morning office dance party:

Arthur Conley – Sweet Soul Music

10 AM>Whistle While You Work (and by “work” I mean “read The Chive“):

Bobby McFerrin – Don’t Worry, Be Happy

11 AM>Remembering 2 years’ worth of shit at this place:

Atmosphere – Gotta Lotta Walls

12 PM>Getting drunk in the bathroom at lunch:

Billy Currington – Pretty Good At Drinkin’ Beer

1 PM>Antsy as a muhfuckah:

Ludacris – Rollout

2 PM>Feeling self-satisfied while watching them struggle to train your replacement:

Alanis Morissette – You Oughta Know

2:15 PM>Simultaneously hating and pitying your replacement:

Beyonce – Ring the Alarm

3 PM>Brooding that you can’t leave sooner:

The Animals – House of the Rising Sun

4 PM>2 hours left. Do you regret your decision to leave?:

Sinead O’Connor – Nothing Compares 2U

5 PM>Nope, definitely no regrets:

Destiny’s Child – Bills Bills Bills

5:55 PM>Signing off your computer for the last time [hope they have all their passwords written down, fuckers]:

Better Than Ezra – Sincerely Me

6 PM>Walking out the door, grinning like a motherfucker:

Jay-Z – On to the Next One

6:05>As their loss is Fully Realized:

Bill Withers – Ain’t No Sunshine

And for good measure, when they call and beg for you to come back (cool story, bro…):

Blueprint – I Need My Minutes

Peace Out —

keep in the Love …

Poster composite © Teri Hitt, Nasa Images and Istock. All Rights Reserved.

“Sometimes When We Touch” – Dan Hill

It just makes me think of that Geico commercial. (Which for the record I haven’t seen in years.)

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I’m only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you’ve tried
I’ve watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by

At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

I read the news today oh, boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph
He blew his mind out in a car
He didn’t notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They’d seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
if he was from the House of Lords

I saw a film today oh, boy
The English army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book
I’d love to turn you on.

Woke up, got out of bed
dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
and looking up, I noticed I was late
Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream
Ah

I read the news today oh, boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes
it takes to fill the Albert Hall
I’d love to turn you on

The BEST INTERN EVER…

1) is punctual – TomTom is a Prius-driving Ricky Bobby.  I don’t think he has been late a single day, ever.  I mean he arrives to work at least around the same time as me, or earlier.  How green of him.

2) takes initiative – He has no issues running mindless, random errands whether it be for, or accompanying others in the office.  Notable ventures include the hunt for an elusive Dominos 3748593745 lights down route 50, and a trip to the grocery for coworkers ravenous for only the REAL kind of rocky road ice cream (not the kind with the fake marshmallows. posers.), where he graciously footed the bill.

3) is up on the current scuttlebutt – not a day went by where he did not take a bit of his precious time to surf the web or brush up on his stalking skills (research) on the face, or gchat, instead of wasting time working like us ignorant folk.

4) looks presentable – see paragraph below

5) does what he or she is told – read: Bad Beth’s bitch

6) always answers the phone – TomTom never once refused to cover for someone and deserves an olympic gold medal for running around the office at the first sound of a ring, should such an event ever come to fruition.

7) has decent hygiene – Well, he doesn’t smell like rotten eggs, but I’ve never really sat close enough to him to confirm this.

8 ) pays extreme attention to detail – He is a schedule spreadsheet-loving fool.

9) has a good sense of humor – TomTom is always a good sport and able to roll with the punches. He proudly embraced the gifts of My Little Pony and Biker Fox that graced his desktop as a daily reminder of our love. As a fellow Katy Perry supporter, TomTom is always down for a weekly Friday jam sesh with moi. He is also a Rebecca Black supporter, which I most certainly do not condone.

10) two words, binder diva – boy does he love them! oh and printers, too.

He has an impeccable fashion sense to boot!  We will miss his Kate Middleton-skinny ties (supposedly a family heirloom collection passed down from TomTom’s  kooky dead uncle), fitted pants, and Vans sneakers (slippers) that oh so vaguely resemble work-appropriate footwear. And boy, does he work it!

His final words,

“Gotta spread my wings, guys.”  –TomTom

So farewell young buck, make us proud. And as always, HAGS.  Rock on TomTom, rock on.

Stay sweet, don't change! Have a great summer!

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Happy Weekend Sweet People! It’s a long one, make it extra fabulous!

X, M