Ok, we all know there are all kinds of stuff online and the best way to find it is to do a search for it…but why are you searching for child porn and where to find it?  Sick, Sick, Sick!

This search appears to be from 124.106.126.164 Philippine, Benguet, Philippines

A patrol officer spotted a suspected kidnapper Larry Jon Ladwig vehicle and aided in the rescue of 5-year-old Natalie Flores who was found uninjured in what Phoenix police are reportedly calling a “Christmas miracle. Natalie was rescued at about 9:30 p.m. Friday, over seven hours after Ladwig abducted her.

From tombrennan@asdf.com

“If you don’t like the country then feel free to leave. Same goes to any other person who complains about America. Get the h3ll out”

So if I don’t like being lynched in the south in 1960’s white America I should leave, even though I was an American.  There is nothing wrong with trying to make my environment better.

Here is one of five from tekshiahjushee@live.com aka TheBigHyungNim who wishes the girl from “Chatting with Beauties,” who said short men are losers would be gang raped.  (And the funny thing is, the KT  doesn’t think this is hate speech or offensive.)  Supposedly, he has an ROTC scholarship for a school in Indianapolis, but I doubt it.  I don’t think he could hide his racism, anger and vitriolic for over a year and not be expelled from the program.  This is one sorry hypocrite.  Here is his original name.  Youseok is a dum@ss.  Over at Blackchild’s place he goes by the name of Yu Suk Me.  (Mike appropriately called it, he is a flaming homosexual, not that there is anything wrong with that.)

“What a crappy website. Get a life idiot, okay? Crime happens everywhere. Don’t see why you foreigners have the urge to talk sh!t about Korea. If you hate living in Korea, then leave! I occasionally hate living here in the US too, but I am not a loser who makes stupid blogs badmouthing my host country.”

I am not bad mouthing my host county, because I don’t live there.  Also, all I am doing is pointing out the fraudulent way Korea approaches everything; giving probation to repeat pedophiles, bribery and corruption at every level, racism at every level and this culture of pretending it doesn’t happen in Korea, because it makes them look bad.”  I am attacking the culture of lying.

Here is part 2;

“blah blah blah. Typical foreigners in KOrea whining and crying about racism, when the truth is, you white and black people are the most racist against us Asians here in the US. The truth hurts dummie!”

The funny thing is he can’t figure out if I am black or white.  Here is a hint; I am neither! Wherever I am I will fight racism, because it should be fought.  Some, not all Koreans, want to institutionalize it.  Like Lee “I can’t get laid.” Eung gang.  By the way have you ever thought they are not racist, they just don’t like your sparkling personality.  I have ended friendships, when they make racist comments, no matter what group they say they ascribe too.

Part 3;

“LOL! This happens in every country. Unfortunately, Youseok is a delusional racist bigot against Koreans and EastAsians. Time to get his haole @ss out of Korea, get back to the UK where you can eat pidgeons and speak your retarded white trash language.”

What kidnapping your girlfriend to return money that you promised her, when she worked for you.  There are 194 countries in the world.  You said it happens everywhere.  How about providing proof, show me a kidnapping and hostage situation in all 194 countries.  Ask a Kiwi if it happens there, they are considered the most honest country in the world.

Part 4;

“youseok, you f@cking brit cracker haole dipsh!t. There are plenty more whiteys who commit murder and crimes here in amerikkka, run away from prison and murder more people. Man, you are so myopic with your hatred for Korea. If you really hate living in Korea, get your f@cking haole @ss out of Korea, okay!??”

Wow, he/she is all over the place here.  And the foul mouth he/she has.   He can’t figure out if I am black, white, Brit or American.  HAHAHA.  He says he doesn’t talk sh!t about his host country, yet here it is.  nd here, he spells America with 3k’s.  A country, that protects his country, propped up the won, along with Japanese and the Chinese, when it nearly collapsed last year. And here is part 5;

“Ahaha! man, you are such a f@cking loser to be posting all these articles about Koreans abroard. The truth is, you f@ucking crackers whitey loser boys in Korea commit more crimes abroad in other countries!”

Now, he is back to thinking I am white.  He says I am a loser, because I write this blog.  He tried writing a blog once, it used the n word so much, I was beginning to think that was the only word he knew.   I wonder how much of a loser he considers himself, because he commented five times.  I don’t usually respond to something, unless it really really bothers me.  Like the light sentences, that the Korean judicial sentences  given to Korean rapists and Korean pedophiles.  And the institutional racism that Korea has going for it.  Oh, and Korea pretends like it doesn’t happen there.  We know better now, don’t we!  I guess the truth hurts. Don’t worry, I am not laughing with you, I am laughing at you!  Thank you for providing me with such wonderful humour this morning.  Here are screen shots of his blog. 

And here is his earlier post where he was banned from Asia’s Finest forum.  Even that racist forum felt he was too racist for them. 

This one is from a different James, not one that I have a bet with.  His Japanese dentist didn’t like him using his email account, so I won’t post it.

“Youseok, you have series of articles written exposing Koreans in a negative light.  Not one of them encourages or promotes Korean values and culture.  Correct me if I’m wrong but your name sounds Korean.  Your negative campaign exclusively against our people not only reveal your psychologically traumatic backgound but your dissatifaction with all Koreans in general.  Your name says it all, you really do  s@ck.”

Didn’t you read the about section?  I am not here to support the Korean culture of rape, racism and repeat.  I don’t have a problem with all Koreans in general, just people like Kang (I make up stories, such as a fake interview with a rape victim) sh!t who.  I want to embarrass Koreans to end that part of their culture.  It seems the only times some Koreans act honorably is when they are shamed into it or it affects their pocketbook.

Here is one from ImKoreanToo, fake email address too.

Part 1;

“You’re the equivlaent of North Korean communist really.  You only post what you want to with your opinionated spin.  Anyone with differing opinion or insight is ignored.  You have 9,000 readers… how many lies are you spreading here?”

Part 2;

“”All the news “KT” won’t print’

Yet, when trying to add some insight and more details like I did, you won’t print that, will you? How offensive… you try to be some champion for justice but really just have self-serving agendas.  Prove me wrong and post my comment about Mr Yi from Orlando!”

I never said I was a champion for justice, I only said I am here to end the practice of lying to save face.  And as a sub-issue the laughable sentences given to pedophiles, rapists and ending the practice of institutionalised racism.   The funny thing is; if you appealed to my better angels without insulting me and showing me that lying to save face is not a good idea, you would have gotten a column here.  And no snarky comments would have been added.  Please look how James the Second argued his points, not once did he attack the blog administrator.

In May 2009, ZIM had referred to the ‘mute’ response of Indian Media on one of biggest crimes to hit India.

Recent cacophony pertaining to Ruchika Girotra’s persecution by a SPS Rathore made ZIM revisit what remains a criminal suppression of truth by Indian Government Authorities and media. An Australian Christian Missionary responsible for crimes of humongous magnitude is out on bail.

Full Video of Brother Paul Alan’s gut wrenching behavior can be viewed here. Brother Paul Alan was someone who escaped justice in Western Australia for fraud and operates in India as a Catholic Christian Missionary and a respected Doctor.  He led Mother Teresa’s “Missionaries of Charity’ Mass. Among other things he set up his own Missionary enterprise “New Hope”, solicited funds through advertorials.

Some of Brother Alan’s actions pertain to practicing medicine and worse doing surgeries on gullible poor, all without having a medical license.

But this was nothing compared to what you will read now. For three full decades, mind you, not just a day or a week or a month,  for three full decades, Brother Paul Alan sexually abused and assaulted hundreds of teenage children across eastern India in Orissa and Andhra Pradesh.

One child, 14 year old Anil Kumar, same age as Ruchika, who was deaf and mute but not dumb and who lived with Brother Paul Alan committed suicide (We do not know if it was a murder).

Deaf, Mute boy Anil Kumar:

It is not as if the news is not in the public domain. Sally Sara, ABC’s Indian Correspondent did outstanding investigative journalism to dig out the details on the outlaw.

As Sally Sara captures, Brother Paul Alan has been released on bail multiple times, doing more evil every time and Prosecution non existent.

Cover up in India has been massive. Government, Media, So called Social Rights Activists all went on “Omerta” on this one.

There are many in the Government who need to provide answers on this one:

Sonia Gandhi, Ruling                                                                                         Congress Party President

Rahul Gandhi, Ruling Congress                             Party General Secretary

Manmohan Singh,        Prime Minister

Navin Patnaik Chief                                                                                             Minister of Orissa

P Chidambaram, Home                                 Minister, India

Rosaiah, Chief Minister, Andhra Pradesh

Local and State Administration in Brother Paul Alan’s places of operation – Titlagarh and Puri in Orissa and Vishakapatnam in Andhra Pradesh need to provide answers. In fact Pradesh Kumar Maharana, Mayor of Titilagarh said on camera that he knew about the ugly happenings and yet preferred not to act. External Affairs Ministry needs to provide answer some key questions. David Headley aka Daood Gilani was not the only one conning them.

Some Questions

Indian Media: Why despite knowing the details, they have preferred to be “deaf and mute”?

Why have civil rights organisations both local and national not acted on this case which is far more gruesome in magnitude than  SPS Rathore’s behavior?

Brother Paul Alan was from Australia and operated for a long time in Orissa with Leprosy Missions. Was he connected to Graham Staines?

What was the connection of organizations like World Vision? There are important stories that directly impact well being of India.  Where are the intrepid reporters that can provide us answers?

Will the Government face the problem or run away from it, and worse try and influence/persecute Sally Sara and work with ABC to have the information removed from public domain?

What are Governance mechanisms to monitor Christian missions and christian funding on evangelizing initiatives which have skyrocketed?

Did Brother Paul Alan have valid papers to stay in India for such an extended period of time?

Will civil rights organization file questions to administration under RTI? And will Government come clean?

What actions were taken by National Human Resources Commission, Ministry of Child Welfare?

Answers to the above questions will outline how effective is Indian Democracy.

I feel like Mindy Kaling just caught B.J. Novak staring inappropriately at her 9 year-old sister and is like, “Ryan, come on. We’re going home and we’re going to talk about this,” but really she means yell at him for being a pervert.

…refers to someone who is sexually aroused by strangers…

Most women these days want men who are Xenophiles (yes you do), while men would probably prefer the women they encounter are not as Xenophiles’ passion comes from meeting new acquaintances and if they are able to seduce this person quickly and easily they lose interest i.e. one-night stand (out of these people, this is probably where the idea of women should play hard to get was birthed…ha ha little did these women know).

Other people may like to visit different sex houses or frequently ask for a different girl or a girl of different nationality (thus why all men are dogs?). There are also heterosexual (really) men who indulge in the anonymity and use opportunities to travel in order to experiment with men and children (side eye).

A writer by the name of J. A. Rogers lived in the West Indies and observed how much English sailors enjoyed black boys on their annual visits. So much in fact that pharmacists had to keep a large supply of lubricant for them (the obvious racist ideologies and pedophile behaviors that were evident in this practice were clearly overlooked for the greater good…long live John Locke!)

There are some who may engage in role playing. Wearing wigs or dressing up as different characters in order to excite those involved (willing participation should always be an option…it is not fair to tie a wig on someone’s head and order them to shake your hand like they are meeting you for the first time, not cool).

Xenophiles just might be that group of people who are allergic to commitment. So if you are a woman with man who is constantly cheating on you, he just may be a Xenophile and therefore you should be more understanding of his nature (yeah right).

I am the mother of five boys, and two of them are now 19 and 21.  I remember when they were little, me and my mother used to buy them Disney Movies.  We loved movies like Alladin, The Little Mermaid, and especially the Lion King, so you can understand how troubling it is to me to find out that Disney is just as corrupt as the government.  Okay, let’s start from the beginning.

First of all, Walt Disney was rumoured to be heavily involved in the corruption of our children.  You see, the Illuminati is hell bent on getting our children while they are young.  This way they can condition them to accept certain things that we adults consider unacceptable.  Walt Disney, under the guise of subsidiaries like Pixar, produced pornography, some of it involving children which were being conditioned  to be mind controlled.  Now, two years ago I would have laughed if someone would have told me that, but the evidence is too big to ignore. 

I have never seen the Rescuers, so I couldn’t tell you what it was about, but what I do know is that during the film, one of the scenes involves a pornographic image in the background.  It comes and goes so quickly that you wouldn’t know it’s there…conciously, but here is a still, and let me assure you it is no joke, as Disney has recalled the video after some parents complained.

SPEECHLESS!

IMAGE

Now there could be some logical explanaton for this, and when you think of one that makes sense, please let me know.  My question is, why on Earth would Disney even have a picture like this available to them in the first place? HMMM… could it be that they were filming pornography in the same studios…DISNEY STUDIOS?

Now let’s take a look at the Little Mermaid…I have a problem with the whole Disney mentality as a whole.  Maidens waiting around for a prince to kiss them and save them, or wake them up, or marry them so that they can have a happy life..such antiquated bullshit in my thinking.  But take a close look at the original movie poster for The Little Mermaid.

You’ll see that part of the castle looks like a male member…

Isn't that an usual place for a "member"

Would you like to excuse this as an accident?  Before you try to blow it off, tell me how do you explain this….

Notice, the preacher marrying the couple seems to have an erection?  Is this an accident, or is this meant to corrupt the minds of children?  Remember this type of thing would never be retained in the concious, but in the subconcious.  Now let’s move on to Disney’s biggest cash cow…Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus.

She’s Hannah Montana….She’s Miley Cyrus.  Disney’s entire “Hannah Montana” show is based on Miley living a double life.  Duality…Split personalities…  Now remember when those racy photos of a “bored” Miley surfaced on the internet?  By the way, nothing is ever “accidentally leaked” on the internet. 

This is what your children are following.....

Now don’t get me wrong, I mean I know teens do some pretty crazy things, but this is just too much, and what follows just leaves me speechless…

wow!!!!!!!!!!!

A picture is worth a thousand words, and this picture just screams “Jailbait”!, but compared to this next one seems almost tame…..

Daddy's little girl

Is that a penis?

 This isn’t a picture I’d want to share with anyone, it equates to soft core kiddy porn…

Remember Christina was a Mickey Mouse Club member, was she also ritually abused?

Hello world! Isn’t life grand?

I awake to a neighbor above my neighbor screaming and fighting for her life.  As I mentioned I live in an apartment complex that I hate.  I hear fighting all the time.  As I laid there listening to the bloody screams and thumps from the ceiling.  I covered my head with the blanket and could still hear it as I waited to hear a gun shot.  I thought to myself I could leave the apartment and go wondering upstairs and down the hall to see where the screams were coming from so that I could call the police.  Then I thought Oh Yeah! then I would get shot or have to identify myself to the cops when they arrive.

I said to myself “Shit” I can’t do a got damn thing but listen to it.  So I choose not to help someone again today.  Just like every other neighbor in this damn apartment building.  Why do we do it?  If someone was kicking the shit out of a dog or cat outside hell we would call the cops in a heart beat.  What the fuck is wrong with us in this world? Where are our priorities?  There fucked up actually. I let myself down today by choosing not to help someone who needed help.

My hats off to the people in the world who have the balls to report and stand up to abusers and pedophiles.  I read a story this week about the FLDS and how there was a man on trial for child abuse who was found guilty and given 33yrs. It felt good to read good news about a Perv getting what he deserve.

I don’t know if you recall but in April of 2008 a phone call was made to report these sick bastards on a ranch who were forcing young girls to marry as early as 14yrs.  What sick fuck does that?  All in the name of religion ha ha what a crock.  My hats off to the person who made the phone call now they had balls the balls I wish I had today as my neighbor was getting the shit beat out of her.

I do not know you neighbor but I too wish you had the courage to leave that fucker. You deserve more as you are a beautiful woman.

Edarem is perhaps the only person who looks considerably less creepy when sporting a clown outfit.

This 77-year-old sex offender turned video blogger has developed a cult following, particularly among college age men. In perhaps his most disturbing upload, he appears shirtless, scratching his back while dogs nibble at his rolls of stomach fat. We welcome you to the world of Edarem. Once you’re  hooked, there’s no turning back.

In less than 3 years, Edarem uploaded over 125 video blogs. He dazzled viewers by singing/dancing to old pop songs, harkening back to his stint in show business. I shit you not, this man hosted a children’s television show in the 80s. He left for dubious reasons.

Edarem suffered some setbacks after his TV show ended (becoming a convicted sex offender in Florida and South Carolina), but years later he returned to the spotlight via Youtube. Upon gaining popularity, however, the fuzz hauled Edarem back into prison. Fans worried, having not heard from Ed in several weeks.

But hope remains! Ed and his friend Phil Stevens, who now posts updates for fans, think the judge may show some mercy. The hearing was scheduled for Dec. 9th, but the Orlando Sentinel reports it has been postponed until January 6th.

Stay strong, Edarem.

*Special thanks to Shayna Meliker, who first introduced me to Edarem. Because of you, I may never sleep again.

It seems Koreans can’t help themselves when it comes to child molesting and light sentences, race relations and drugs and light sentences.  Today Koreabeat has two articles one on child molestation by a Korean who only got three years. I guess that three years as opposed to 8 months is considered tough.   Also, a Korean national was granted extradition to his home country rather than face the charges in Singapore, because Singapore is too strict in punishing drug users.  I wonder if he can use I was under the influence of alcohol when I took the drugs defense. 

Now Recruiterinkorea has discussed race relations in the hiring practices in the ESL industry, but the star of the show should be Mike over at BlackChild in Korean Kimchi Country.  This is about his recent un-isolated experience on a bus trip to Seoul.  He should get the Youseok Hall of fame award for this post.  I won’t post an excerpt here, because Mike deserves all the hits from what he has written, but has anyone noticed that all these people are copying my sarcastic wit on their issues. (Shame on you Koreabeat, Recruiter in Korea and BlackboyinKimchiCountry.

Tiger Woods cheated….shout it from the mountain top until my damn ears bleed. It’s all anybody can talk about on television. Every day someone else is coming out claiming they slept with Tiger Woods. This is nothing new, men cheat on their wives all the time, especially men with money,fame, and power, but enough is enough already!

Then I started to think…WHY is this being focused on..it’s like they are trying to ruin the man, so I started digging, and guess what I turned up!

I’ve been touching on the Illuminati and how they control everything. MK Ultra were mind control experiments conducted on American citizens by the government. The gist is that they would introduce drugs and sexual trauma on subjects, shattering their psyche in order to create multiple personalities (beyonce/sasha fierce) which they would then “program” these individuals to serve certain purposes. I can believe that Michael Jackson, Beyonce, and others are most likely included in this group. If you’ve seen the manchurian candidiate, then you know what I’m talking about which is ironic in itself since Denzel is an agent of the Illuminati

Brice Taylor who wrote the book “Thanks For the Memories” claims that she was a victim of this mind control, and was a sex slave for the elite. She mentioned that her father repeatedly raped her and sold her into child prositution. She also mentioned that the same happened to Michael Jackson and his brothers when they were children, and accompanied Bob Hope to an unknown location, and were raped in a lineup fashion. This could go a long way to explaining why Michael was trying to destroy himself via his appearence. This could also explain why Joe Jackson is so non-chalant about the fact that he just lost one of his own children. Could it be that Joe was never attached to them , and are Janet and Latoya also victims. Isn’t it strange how when Mike died, Katherine Jackson stated that she didn’t want him anywhere near the children? Is this what he wanted to tell us at the time of his death. I made a comment a long time ago, that Beyonce’s father could have had an inappropriate relationship with her, because I find it disturbing that she performs so suggestively in front of her father without blinking an eye, but that for another time.

Anyway, Bob Hope is purported to be what is called a “handler”, something like the puppet master that pulls the strings. He is also reputed to have been a closet pedophile along with George Bush, and actually introduced a three year old Tiger Woods as a golfing prodigy along with his father on the Michael Douglas show back in the day.

Now what I’m thinking is that Tiger was programmed to be a golfer. His father may have sold him to the Illuminati as a small child, and if what Brice is saying about Bob Hope is true, could he have raped Tiger Woods, or was he raped by other powerful men? I know it’s crazy, but I think there is some truth to this whole thing. I think that after years and years of serving their purpose, he did something to piss them off, and now they are trying to ruin him. I feel sorry for Tiger, he’s never been in control of his own mind from the start, and never had a chance.

James Bain,54, was wrongly convicted in December of 1974 for the rape and kidnapping of a 9-year-old little boy. Bain had been in prison since the Nixon presidency, just to give you some perspective.

The Innocence Project,  is a national organization dedicated to exonerating wrongfully convicted people through DNA testing, was responsible for aggressively getting Bain’s DNA tested, which led to his exoneration.

In 2001 a Florida statute was passed allowing cases to be reopened for DNA testing,and Bain immediately filed to have his DNA tested, but was turned down 4 times. It was only after he presented his case to the Court of Appeals that he was granted a hearing.

Polk County State Attorney Jerry Hill told the judge that DNA testing had excluded Bain from the crime.

“He’s just not connected with this particular incident,” Hill said.

James Bain-released-from-prison after 35 years

“Mr. Bain, I’m now signing the order, sir,” the judge said, referring to an order vacating the judgment and sentence.

The first thing he did was to call his mom on a cel phone, which was the first time that he had ever used one, as they did not exist before he was imprisoned, and they did not have access to them in jail.

I can not imagine what it must be like to spend that much time in prison labeled a pedophile, as well as knowing that you are innocent. James Bain says that his faith in God pulled him through, and that he holds no ill will towards anyone involved in his incarceration.

 He says he’s not angry and is looking forward to eating fried turkey, drinking Dr. Pepper and hopefully going back to school.

The Houston Chronicle reports…He was convicted largely on the strength of the victim’s eyewitness identification, even though testing available at the time did not definitively link him to the crime. The boy said his attacker had bushy sideburns and a mustache. The boy’s uncle, a former assistant principal at a high school, said it sounded like Bain, a former student.

The boy picked Bain out of a photo lineup, although there are lingering questions about whether detectives steered him.

The jury rejected Bain’s story that he was home watching TV with his twin sister when the crime was committed, an alibi she repeated at a news conference last week. He was 19 when he was sentenced.

The victim is currently 44 years old, and has been informed of James Bain’s release from prison.State investigators have taken more DNA from both Bain and the victim for additional testing.

It is being reported that Florida State  has passed a law  that automatically provides $50,000 in compensation for every year an innocent person has spent in prison,and James will be entitled to the award.http://www.miamiherald.com/news/florida/AP/story/1377187.html

The Innocence Project is a non-profit legal clinic affiliated with the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law at Yeshiva University and created by Barry C. Scheck and Peter J. Neufeld in 1992. The project is a national litigation and public policy organization dedicated to exonerating wrongfully convicted people through DNA testing and reforming the criminal justice system to prevent future injustice. As a clinic, law students handle case work while supervised by a team of attorneys and clinic staff.  http://www.innocenceproject.org/

His mother, Sarah Reed, has been in and out of hospitals in recent years. She said she is putting her house and her car in her son’s name. “I want him to have something by himself. He’s suffered enough,” she said.

This case serves as a beam of hope for those that are falsely imprisoned throughout our country, and to those heartless fools that believe everything the police say is true. The sad truth is that black men are in prison for crimes they did not commit, at a rate three times that of white men, who have the nerve to blame us for their heinous crimes, knowing that the culture is primed in bigotry and hatred to believe such lies about our people.

We are being kidnapped by the judicial system, because we are behind enemy lines.We only have our selves to rely upon, to stay strong and healthy, so that we can eventually be freed, and our good names restored, just like James Bain.

I can only imagine the level of racial injustice that was pervasive in South Florida in the 1970’s could only have fanned the flames of hatred that ultimately led to James wrongful conviction.

Just think about it…only a decade earlier, James would have been lynched in that county, as had happened there so many times in the past,…and the mob would have murdered an innocent man.

As it stands, the white man who raped and kidnapped the 9-year-old victim, got away with it, by relying upon the racism that most non-black people use to convict and kill innocent young black men.

Justice was not served here…only racism.

Follow the story here…

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/12/17/florida.dna.exoneration/

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/nation/6775155.html

http://www.presstv.ir/detail.aspx?id=113973&sectionid=3510203

Outrageous O’bama appointee Kevin Jennings under fire – and rightly so

It’s not yet clear why Jennings, a hedonist, is advocating fisting and other sexual perversions to under-aged children. The last time I checked that was against the law.

Please visit TexasFred for full details on this creep.

Will he be another nail in the O’bama political coffin?

You betcha.

While having sex, I tell Frank, “Amos Oz, he was one of the finalists for the bad sex [writing] award, can you believe he wrote that a guy reaching up a woman’s top thinks her breasts are like a 12-year-old’s?  Isn’t that pedophilic?  Not technically, but still it’s creepy.  You can say they’re fresh or perky, but comparing them to a 12-year-old’s is just wrong, not that people don’t think it, but . .  . eeks.”

“I hope he doesn’t have daughters.”

“I hope he doesn’t interact with humanity.”

Later on, I note, “I just can’t think of Tiger Woods as a sex symbol.  He is an athlete but golfers aren’t necessarily known to be fit, you know?  Think of Arnold Palmer.  Can you believe I remembered Arnold Palmer?  I haven’t thought of him in ages.  Okay, I’ll change the subject.  Anal?”

I’ve always been a bit on the morbid side. If you’ve been reading my blog, you already know this.

When I was a kid I remember telling my Mom how I didn’t have to worry about opening a locker because I wouldn’t be alive by the time I got to high school. No wonder her hair turned gray by the time she was 30, I had my difficult moments. I seriously thought I was going to die young. And yes, this does make me a hypochondriac. Here’s a test in case you’re curious about your own sanity.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/hypochondria_test.html

So how did I become one? I did some research; apparently no one knows what causes it, and no one knows how to cure it (although it can be “managed”). It can occur at any age, but typically early adulthood is when it kicks in. As for me, I’ve been doomed since childhood. Yet another quirk to add to my already abundant collection of eccentricities.

Brain tumors.

I was reading Anne of Green Gables one hot summer staying at my Grandparents house. If you’ve read it, you might remember Marilla, the woman who adopts Anne. Well, she starts getting these headaches all the time. And then she goes blind. I immediately panicked, told my grandmother that I had been getting a lot of headaches lately and asked if that meant I was going blind. She said no, the woman in the book probably had a brain tumor. It’s different, she said. Naturally, I connected the dots. Headaches equals loss of vision equals brain tumor equals death. All painful experiences.

My grandmother is a smart cookie. A pair of sunglasses later, headaches were gone. But the movie Kindergarten Cop certainly didn’t erase my whole headaches equals brain tumor philosophy.

Second scare.  When you know someone about your age who is diagnosed with a brain tumor and you see the suffering they go through, you tend to doubt the existence of a magnanimous God. After stressful months of steroids and fruitless treatment, you realize how ordinary we all are. No one is immune. It would be silly to think I was anyone special.

On to my lovely teenage years. “Death Be Not Proud” is quite possibly one of the worst books for a person to read who gets very distressed when the topic of brain tumors comes up. But it was assigned in high school and I better damn well read about Johnny Gunther. It was rough. I’m pretty sure I cried. This kid was perfect according to his father, and I believed it. He was rare. And it wasn’t a fictional book like Anne of Green Gables, this was a memoir. Johnny remained pure gold throughout the book. But the article linked below details a really fucked up story about how a brain tumor turned a perfectly normal man into a pedophile:

http://www.rifters.com/real/articles/brainontrial.htm

Third scare. Freshman year of college. Fall semester. I started waking up mornings with nosebleeds. I had never had a nosebleed before in my life, so you can imagine my terror when I woke up feeling congested, grabbed a tissue and found it soaked red with blood. During my weekly call from my mother, I told her I had been getting nosebleeds the past couple weeks. She asked if I was doing drugs. Typical mom question for you. I wasn’t. She told me to not worry about it and “It’s probably nothing.” I never liked the word “probably,” it’s so mishy moshy. Hypochondriacs only like yes or no. “Probably” leaves so much unanswered. So I consulted my roommate. Her words of wisdom: “You should see the nurse, it sounds kind of like a brain tumor.” I had that sudden cold/hot feeling when you’re so upset you can’t tell if you’re about to pass out from chill or vomit molten lava. So I went down to the nurse. After some questions and a peek up the nostrils, her diagnosis: “Hon, you’re just not used to the climate here. Sleep with a glass of water by your bed. And if that doesn’t help, come back.” Smart cookie, who knew a glass of water could cure a presumed case of cancer.

So here I am, Liana 25 Alive (Short Circuit anyone?). So much for my theory of dying before adulthood. I’ve extracted the malignant mass of hypochondria and buried the haunting phobia with a glass of water. Drink fears away and celebrate my funeral.

My name is Keith Smith. At the age of 14, I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island. I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. 34 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime. 

“Smith has delivered a gripping, fast paced crime story, a captivating suspense novel inspired by actual events. It’s a ’someone got away with murder’ story you can’t put down; a story that will stay with you long after you finish reading Men in My Town.”

The story of the abduction, beating and rape of a teenage boy from Lincoln, Rhode Island, followed by the unsolved brutal murder of his assailant in Providence, is now a moving novel written by the man who survived this vicious attack.

Men in My Town by Keith Smith. Based on Actual Events.  Available now at Amazon.com in Paperback and Kindle.

CHAPTER 1

MY CHILDHOOD ..AGED 3 TO 6 1972 TILL 1975

i grew up down near the wharfs at port adelaide in south australia during the 70;s ……living with my mum ,dad and older sister .daisy. dad worked all day in a can factory and came home after we were put to bed so we didnt realy see him much during the week .my mum did her own thing.she .wasnt big on much realy to do with her children she was .to involved in her own life to bother with us ….so i was left to do as i pleased ….

..we alwasy had cats around flea riden diseased sick.malnourished and left to breed time and time again but it was all good in the end becasue mum n dad would pack us all in the back seat of the car when it got dark and we went for a short drive to the local dump where my mum would open the door and let the cats gomy parents told us they would be better of and this was a much nicer place for them to live

….which i new it was a great place to live hell i even wonted too. dad would take us to the local dumpsometimes on the weekends to drop rubish off but in those days you could take what ever you wonted home aswell we had a ball digging around the rubish piles finding small pretty trinkets.or bikes that we took home and dad would fix for us ..it was magical and felt like all your xmas;s had come at once each time we went dad didnt take us often so it realy was a big treat .one of my happier childhood memories but ofcourse my parents turned that into a bad thing eventualy when they decided to dump a few of my favourtie cats and left me crying in the back seat but i sooon got over it as it wasnt long before we had a new lot of cats n kittens to play with

.i remember i was about 3 ..thinking these kittens were dirty they has fleas and needed to be washed //mum was out the back hangin clothes onthe line
..so i found me a good spot …..smack bang inthe middle of the yard ..i dug myself a whole thinging i was creating my own washing machine ..as i use to stand at ours and watch it all move about in a circle one way then stop and turn the other way ,,it fasinated me ….i looked up and saw that mum was busy ..so i went and got me some washing powder ….i cant remember where i got the water from thou …but i filled my little washing machine ….went and grabed one of the kittens ….being just 3 weeks old i guess …my little hands around his neck ……dunked him whole body and head into my waching machine and madly shook the fuck out of it then moving him up and down .vigorously ……well i was being a washing machine after all…….how else is he going to get clean ….
..with ..bubbles comming out of his noseand mouth as he gaspt for air and trying his hardest .to meow .in he went again for the next swish ….half dead by this time my mum had now turned around and saw me ..she dropped the washing and came over to me yelling .ranting and raving at me and took the soaking wet half drowned kitten off me..leaving me with a cool bubbly hole of mud in the ground to play with ….

..our house i remember wasnt filled with trinkets or pretty things ..just the bare esentuals and one small china cabinet in the lounge it was a small lounge room with mum n dads bedroom off to the left then throu to the rather large open kitchen with a laminated rectangular kitchen table with a shiny metal strip that had grooves in it 3 i think that went all around the side..i always tryed to look at myself in it because i dont remember one single mirror in the house but ofcorse my face was all blury and distorted .then it had those thin metal legs with triangular frame at the top for suport and the bottom legs had those black round rubber bits as the feet ..then just a couple of metal chairs in diffrent colours that didnt match ..but that was us to a T

OUR BEDROOM

…….to the right just off the kitchen was a small room which was ours i remember a bunk bed to the left and my daisys bed under the window to the right ….my dad was a brillant tallented drawer ..that never put it to use exept a few family portraits and a masive micky mouse mural he painted on the back wall .in our bed room …is was bright ..it was huge and cover most of the back wall in our bedroom it took dad a whole weekend to paint it ….he kept trying to keep us out of the bedroom during the day .becasue he wonted to surprise us …when he let us finaly come in and see the finished work ..it was the most colourful picture i has seen in my entire 3 year old life it was like a giant in my room and i loved it so much ….it was .one bit of joy in our life

from our room you went down 3 cement steps to the dark scary back room ..a massive room with nice carpet a few chairs along the wall and a small bar in the corner ..there ws also a cellar door just infront of the bar it was only a small door and we were alwasy told to stay away because it was dangerous ..a few times i walked past when it was open …and one day it was open and dad wasnt in the room ..how could i not resist but to slowly tipy toe upto the open door in the floor as i looked inside it was so dark all i saw was a few wooden steps going down into the darkness that was it ..i didnt need to see any more and i ran off as fast as i could so scared ….scared of what ..well the darkness ofcourse ..you just dont no what could be living down there …

to your left of this big empty room was the bathroom a small room with just a sink n a bath ……..the toilet and laundry were both outside under the back area washing was alwasy piled up in there

MY MUM ======

my mum was not one for showing affection ……and i needed it ..i craved ..it …so i just took it ……..mum use to lie in bed alot and read her .erotic novels …so i would snuggle next to her smelling her smell, feeling the softness of her stockings and i would fall alseep ….she then had a new baby ……dont remember all that much but i do remmebr the baby being placed in the back lobby to cry n scream all night long …..she was very young less than 6 mths i would say ..mum needed her sleep i guess and that stupid baby cryed all the time so she was locked in the back lobby ..which was alwasy a scary place at night ..dark .and cold ..a few times me and my older sister .daisy. would tell me to shhhhh and we snuck into the lobby to try and sooth the baby ..and make her stop crying …we did get caught a few times and yelled to get back to bed while the door was shut again to hear the babys crys go on again …..

i was aways itchy in bed i never slept much alwasy too busy scratching …as kids we were always dirty unwashed kids .if you pulling my bed covers back at night you would see a black cloud of fleas jumping about ..and when i climbed into bed i could actualy feel them hitting my legs as i climbed in then i would simply fall asleep scratching my legs ……..
MY DAD
my dad worked near by in a can factory ..my dad was the only person in australia at the time who knew how to fix some certain factory machine so at times had to leave us all weekend or longer to go interstae ..my dad was a fix it man .he .could build a car from a simple bolt …when he was home he tinckers in his tool area the smell of grease alwasy around and dirty rags that smelt of petrol aswell …my dad always had time to talk to me and listen ..it was these times too when dad was home on week ends that we got fed properly . we were most of the time in bed before dad even got home ….and not fed

…i once was so starving i ate half a can of dog food ..it tasted nice at the time as hell i was starving ….but by the time i walked from the back yard to the front i vomited it all up by the front door ……i
remmebr thinking …..well that was a fuckin wasite of good food ………

MRS PRICE AND MRS BISHOP

…….there was no supervition at home so i also use to wonder around my street saying hello to anyone ..making frinds with the two elderly ladies who live across the road just a few houses down ….imagine now letting your 3 or 4 yrs old child cross a street when ever they wonted to .but i did

.i use to run back n forth waiting for cars ..just to dare myself see how gutsy i was …….i took many risks with myself alwsy testing my own boundries of fear …
anyway i befirened these 2 elderly ladies who would let me in there home and make me a sandwich and a fresh drink of jiuce each time …as they sat at the kitchen table telling me there storys about there lives while sipping there cups of tea from the most beautiful cups n saucers i had ever seen in my life they both enjoying my attentive attention to there amazing storys ……as i craved a simple conversation form anyone …..didnt get that at home ….after a meal .after a feed and a chit chat about them and about me and what i have been upto .it was there time to play card and i was sent of the watch tv ..another treat for me …i sat on there hard antique couch wasnt very comfy realy i took my shoes of …if i happen to be wearing any .the televition was put on just for me …and i mean just for me while they played there cards .a few times i had sneeked a peek at the elderly ladys playing there cards …..and to my amusment they were playing with cards that had picktures of naked ladies on them …..yes its true they had there breasts showing and some didnt even have any knickers on too …they were grown up cards ……..i would always fall asleep on there couch ..to always awake with one of the ladies sitting next to me in there single chair another warm conversation was had a drink and some cookies then sent on my way …i did this till we moved when i was 6 yrs old …and i saw them about 2 to 3 times a week less when i went to school thou …these ladies showed me human kidness i could only imagine ..i soaked up every bit of it …..

..just around the corner 2 houses down lived mrs bishop son and wife pam and keith they would of been in there early thirtys i guess and never had kids of there own ..so again enjoyed the company of my and my little sister ..either that or again they knew we were not look after felt sorry for us and did what they could …but im sure they generaly enjoyed us over ….again we sat at a kitchen table to eat some food and have a drink ….but they were more involed with us when playing …..that the elderly ladies were ….they smoke to us like we were so grown up….alowed us to cook cup cakes with them ..at the same time teaching us manners to ..one of the conditions of being able to stay there by both of them was that we didnt swear …we had to be polite …sometimes i forgot and did say a naughty word ..but instead of being yelled at ..all they had to do was give me a glance with there eyes ..and i knew i stuffed up ..and felt shame if i ever swore around them so slowly over time i leanr to contain my launguage at certain peoles houses ….i leanr that some houses i could get away with it and some poeles houses it was not eceptable at all ………i was learning a few lessons …they played chasy with us out the back running around laughing n giggling on a gorgeously manacured green lawn the strange thing was they had no back fence becasue it was joined to his mothers house so they both took the fence down so when playing in there back yard you were also in mrs price and mrs bishops back yard too ..it was a massive back yard too

but one day i went to visit pam and keith and i lied ..and i lied realy realy big time …..i told them it was my birthday ..they got all excited …made a fuss of me all afternoon ..sang the song to me ..we made cup cakes again and this time a big surprise for me ….they made me a big round birthday cake to take home …it was gorgoeus the icing pink and done so delicatly .i walked my cake home ever so proudly crosssing the road carfully as not to drop my cake ..they watched me walk home waving and calling out happy birthday to me ..i carried my cake throu the back door to be greated by mum standing there with a very mean look on her face ..saying gruffly to me ..what is this …what have you done ……..mum was so angry at me yelling saying i was naughty ..and she made me take it back ..which i put on a turn and refused to do …hell i was so humileated ….i didnt wont to confess a lie to them i loved them so much ..i didnt wont to disapoint them and my mean mum was making me ..mum pushed me out the door and again i was being watched as i crossed the road with this amazing birthday cake in my little hands …..i knocked on the door ..they seemed a bit shocked to see me standing there ..but my mean awful mum was standing right there accross the road with her arms crosssed ,,they brought me inside sat me down and gave me what seemed a 2 hour talk about lieing and how it made them feel sad …..i just died …the guilt was so bad ..i hated this feeling and so angryy at my mum too ..she never punished me before like this .it was a bit harsh i thought embarresing me like this ………but pam and keith still loved me gave me a hug ..and sent me home with out even giving me a small peice of my cake too ……

on another visit to see pam and keith i knocked on the door sometimes i did feel like i was probably not welcomed /comming over to much at time they would say sory were busy come abck another day and shut the door …..this time they didnt answer there door …so i went around to the back knocked again but nothing happened so i went of in my own world playing in there back yard for a bit before i went home …i heard noises comming from the house .ah they must of been home and hiding from me ….but then the back window opend up and a man dressed in black came creeping out and he ran off down the side of the house and he was gone ……what was i to do ..i knew this man wasnt ment to be there and he was a bad bad man…but who was i going to tell no one belives me anymore …..they all think i lie all the time …..so i just ran off home thinking how lucky i was the man didnt see me i was very scared but never told anyone ….a few days later i hear mum talking to another neighbour saying that pam and keith house got robbed …again i kept quiet casue no one will listen to me

MY AMUSMENT
as i was let to just wonder the street …we had a church just one house away …so i would sit out side on the steps and watch the people go there and hear them sing ..but we never went in there exept for the xmas one once a year there was another building of the church too where all the wedding were held now that was exciting after everyone came outside i would stand to the far side og the building and watch the gorgoeus lady in her gown and the man in black suit get covered in colourful…confeti that was scattered on the ground after everyone left i would gather all i could and played with it afterwards .

..i wondered around spending alot of time alone in my own world playing .this was my peace time …. i was a naughty child too i would climb on my swing set out the back and get onto the roof ..when i reached the top and saw anyone walk past i would scream out .HEY FUCK HEAD ..then duck donw n giggle to my self cause i was a trickster too …after i had my fun at that i climbed to the front of the house roof and jump off ..

as we lived near the wharfs there were many pubs around us and seeing the od drunkin man walking home wasnt unusual actualy it was quite fun to watch them stagger down my street .one in particualr each sat afternoon …would take a good ten minutes just to pass my house ……each electric pole he walked into a fight would ensue …ya fuckin bastad he would yell as he swung his punches falling to the ground and giving us such big laughs that we kept silent ,mum didnt wont him comming over to us ..there was alwasy storys about his wife that he use to beat up …storys of how strange she was ..one day me my sister and a few friends decided one day before he came home to knock on her door and see what all the fuss was about ….we were so scared …but it had to be done a few of us went up knocked on the door and ran to the gate ..this women short chubby and very old with grey hair opened the door ..she had a long dress on ..calling out what you all wont …as we looked down to her feet the strangest site was seen …her feet were bound with rope and pillows …yes thats right each foot had no shoes but big fluffy pillows wrapped around her feet tied on with a plated rope to keep them on…we ran so fast away ….never to do that again ….one day this old man drunk and hardly walking ..dropped to the ground and passed out infront of the house next door …..so me being me had to test how gutsy i was went and found a stick from the church and walked over to him and poked him ..he didnt respond so ..i poked him a few times before my mum saw and yelled at me to move away …by this time he was trying to grab my stick ……….so i backed off a little scared we then watched and waited as it took him a good 20 minutes to get himself up of the ground ..no one dared to help him he was a rather violent drunk and fought with anything and anyone …..

MY GRANDPA ..AGE 3

Every saturday until i was 16 years old we use to go visit my nana and grandpa….my grandpa was a very tall man over 6ft ..all my dads brothers were .my dad got the short straw being under 6 ft …grandpa was so funny and made me laugh all the time ..he had all the time in the world for me and showed me a great deal of effection ..my uncles did to . i just .loved going there .

.Nana always had hot vegetable soup boiling away on the kitchen stove made just for us when we visited …after lunch the men would go into the loungroom ..it was so clean .gorgoreus furniture .a china cabinet with the most amazing trinkets i had ever seen ..and an old lamp next to the tv .she was a black african lady kneeling down .head back and back arched a skirt on but showing her boobies…it was rudeand realy naughty but so stunning .many a times i would run my little 3 yr old hands accross the curves of her body and hair ..i was alowed to touch her but grandpa always told me to be carefull ………..as she was a very special women …

.the men would play there records .one uncle would alwasy pretebd to play the drums .he looked realy silly and it made me laugh so much …when it was my grandpa turn. to play his record .he would always play our special hawian music and it was just for me and him ..the album cover had this exotic hawian lady dressed in lays pretty flowers in her hair and a beautiful grass skirt her .hands were posed in delicate dancing position..up in the air ..

as the music played my grandpa would show me how to move my hands ..so gratious so delicatley ..like the lady on the album cover ..his smiles would light up my world …….he knew how to make me feel so special …….as i danced for him ..swaying my hips …waving my hands gently around …
he would clap and cheer for me so hard .and tell me i was the most beautiful dancer he had ever seen ..after we would embrace in abig hug and kisses ..while we listen to my dads or uncles music .. i would sit on grandpas lap….he would ignore the music and talk to me …he still gave me dancing lessons while on his lap he wonted me to be just so perfect at dancing like ahawian lady ….he would grab my little hips and move then side to side on his lap ..getting harder and faster he would tell me this is how you move your hips to dance we giggled harder and harder as he grinded me into his groin …little did i know of his sinister plan.he was grooming me ….prepareing me for the same games he played in secret with another one of his victims ….but how lucky was i ..as that same year that i made my amazing memories with my glorious grandpa that he went and had a heart attack and died rather suddenly

MY SHOP TRAINING ..AGE 4

mum would push the pram each day and i walked beside her and we walked to the shops ..it was 3 blocks away and you had to cross 2 streets and walk along one of my towns major transport rds many many big trucks comming from the wharfs only a 5 minute drive away ….

….i refused to go to kindy and had big massive seperation anxiety ..so i stayed home ..each time i went to the shop with mum she gave me a treat ..a wagon wheel was my fav ..

.then one day at home she says to me …..Neema you know where the shop is dont you ….me being the brave girl i am said yes …… she .kneels gives eye contant and in a loving voice she says to me well …if you go to the shops for me ..ill give you a wagon wheel ..she give me a bag and a note and attempts to push me out the door this happened a few times .and i refused her offer but .i give in to her battering eyes and walk my merry way to the shops being a little scared only .. but feeling very happy at my success and yummy wagon wheel …

.but then …..the very next day she tell me again to do …..coxing me even more …go one for mummy ………ill buy you a wagon wheel and again pushes me out the door and shuts it so i can only come back inside after i have been to the shop to go buy her ..her soft drinks ..her pkt of bex.which was a small box containg white powder and a tabbaco paper …im not sure what you did with it i think maybe smoke it but my mum didnt she tipped it into her can of soft drink ….it made you high ..remembering this was all back in the time when cocaine was added into coca cola aswell … and lets not forget her 2 or 3 bags of lollies ……..she becomes even more abusive to me about going ..as i put on turnes and make it knon i dont wont too
she grabs me arm witha little shake and says youll do as your told …

..the shop keeper becomes use to me walking in with my note each day ..and looks at me with a sad look ……im 4 yres old dirty face messy hair probably smelly too ……as i get older .the bags i carry become ever so heavy and milk n bread are now brought home and i dont get a treat any more……

THE FIRES ..AGE 5

I so craved attention at 5 ..i didnt care who i got it from i .knew i wasnt going to get it from my mum …..so i desided to make my own attention ….if you wont something go and get it i use to think ….so i grabbed a packet of matches near the oven .one day .i just wonted some attention from my mum and knew this would get me some so i .went to the back of the church where it was extremly over grown and lit the match and threw it into the bushes and stood back to …watched the flames go up it was so exciting …and i remember thinkin as i hide under a bushy area out the front …right you bitch ..now you will give me attention …..the fire truck came ..there was people every where it was so exciting …….i think one fire man spoke to me about it and mum just did her little song and dance which by 4 had no impact on me at all …all her words were meaningless ….i got what i needed …..and that was attention ….and it felt good …. a few months later i did the same thing again ..went to the back lit the scrub on fire ..only this time it was small …wasnt quiet as exciting this time round and again i dont rememebr getting into trouble ……..
mark was the boy next door ..omg he ws blonde gorgoeus handsom and i wonted to marry him ..but he ws more my big sisteres age althou he did play games with me out the back at times ..but him and my sister were watching cartoons one day ..each time i tryed to come in the room she pushed me out and wouldnt let me in there …….but all i wonted was a little attention from mark ..and she wouldnt let me .*(bitch) …so i simply thought well fuck you …as that word was in my vocabuary by the age of 4 …..so with that fuck you thought ..yet again a grabbed a box of matches ..this time i ws going to get my sister back i went into our bedroom i sat on her bed …i stoke a match lit it ,,,and put it under the curtain ….nothing happened …so i lit another one .and another ..she was going to pay for this ……..the curtian flame took hold and whoosh boy did those things burn fast …..i then went into the lounge where she n mark were sitting and i said to her …………….. you dont know what i just did …and i then ran out of the house shitting myself cause the bedroom was on fire …………..luckily marks dad next door also a police officer happened to be mowing his lawns and saw the fire….he quikly ran to grabbed his hose and put the flames out …my sisters fav toy and bed were all burnt …….mum was called from somewhere down the street again she entered the house …and my sister coped a slap across her face so hard and blamened for the hole thing …why didnt you look after her ………..mum screamed at my daisy ..all i thought of was ..HA HA .that will teach you to deny me him ……….i got in realy big trouble to i put on the tears n went outside to play and never lit another fire again

ok mutley came from the kids tv show whacky races i guess ….mutly the frst …was a half alsashion (hmmmm spelling there ) ..and half mungrel dog ..meduin buld dark black with bits of brown …he was my mate …….he followed me everywhere ..he was my best mate …when i was sad or upset i would tell him all about it ……ly down next to him on the grass and feel a sence of calm and security ..he was often with me on my wonderings ….i can remmebr dad giving him washes out the back …all bubbled up and then hosed off..he wasnt very happy and after wards would roll madly all over the dirt patch out the back corner of the yard …

..he was baout 2 years old and one day as i was visitng mrs price and mrs bishop we heard the loud screatching of tyres …and brakes ..the sounds of a dog yellping ..the noice was thunderous ..we all went running out to the front to see a huge 8 wheeled truck stopped in the middle of the rd right infront of mrs price and mrs bishops house we alll ran out the gate and imediatly my eyes were covered by mrs prices hand ….but it was too late ……i saw a glimps of my beat friend in the whole world mutley liying there under the wheels of the truck ..DEAD already ..it was a quik death thankfully……….. i remmebr screaming no mutly no ..dont go as tears floawed from my eyes …my heart racing a million miles an hour ..my stomach feelng as if i woneted to vomit ……..i was hugged so very tightly by mrs price and mrs bishop ……..the truck driver himself in absolute tears himself ..shocked at what had just happened ..i was so sure that mutly had come over to wait for me to go home again and thats why he was crossing the road ..he was looking for me ……

.a hole was dug for mutley in the back corner by the armond tree his limp body placed into it ..and covered over with dirt …..the truck driver had a bunch of flowers he was going to give to his wife ..but instead shared them ontop of mutleys grave ……i just stood there looking at the dirt crying …i couldt stop crying the hurt was so strong the pain so hard …………this was my first real experiance with death ..and it became a beautiful thing….for many months after i would still sit there and have my litle chats with him ..and i always walked away with a I LOVE YOU MUTLY…..AFTER THAT TIME ALL OUR DOGS WERE CALLED MUTLEY …i think we had about 5…….we had many many cats aswell.none of which were fed enough or looked after the way a animal should be …..i once caught ringworms of the cats ..the sores were all over my body ..and so itchy so TO this day i ahve a ringworm scar behind my knee

BERNIE THE PLAYGROUND DEMON

just down the street and 8 houses away there was a play ground i use to walk to some times alone sometimes with my 2 sisters ….there was a mn silver hair middle aged that would hang around the park ..he would sometimes approach the kids and talk to them ..i always had a funny feeling about him …spending alot of times in pubs seing men fight n geeting drunk you learn to pick up on a few vibes about men and feeling safe with some anf not with others ..and bernie gave my stomach that sick feeling often when he showed up ……..there was an ols steam train engine at the park all the kids loved it .iw as in there once when that man started walking up to me ..so i ran home fast …..everytime we would tell my grandma about him she would say ….OH THATS JUST BERNIE HE IS HARMLESS ……..

so i wondered why one day i wnet to the park and i saw him standing under a tree where he had tied the boy who lived across the road upside down in the tree .the boy was crying to be let doen as bernie laughed ..i was shitting myslef i hide behind the train watching as the boy got more distraught ……i ran home as fast as i could yelling at my my he has this child in a tree …my mum did nothing …she didnt beleive me and told me to just stay away

……….it was probably less than year later i went to the park alone again ..the same boy who was hung upside down had a twin sister …there was a tennis court at the playground with a gate on either side of the fence as it was all fenced in ..i saw bernie and a fat frind of his guarding each door ..i thought that wsa bit strange …untill i saw this freightened girl about 8 trapped inside the courts ..the men were getting closer to her the big man was so big n scary..again i shit myslef coudnt stay n watch as they got closer to grabbing her …..i had no idea what they were going to do with her but i knew it wasnt good because she was scared …….once again i ran home but this time i didnt tell my mum ..i didnt see the point ……..but i leanr to play and keep one eye open for bernie and ran home as soon as i saw him fromthat time on

MY MANIPULATION…….

my dad was alwasy busy fixing cars on weekends …he could build a car from just a key …..dad had a new FJ holden light green i think ……on weekends he would tincker under the hood and we sometimes would watch him and he told us what he was looking at or fixing in detail …..this again was some kind of bonding time ……but soo loved it and took it all in ……as i climbed the good old branches of what remained of a very old almond tree i sat and watched my dad fix his car …multy at my feet trying to jump up the tree too ……dad took way too fuckin long cleaning this damn car ..hours was spend washing ..n polishing .levaing not a streak on any windows ..when he finshed all ws packed away and he went inside to sit for a while …while i watch from my tree ………..i was 5 ..and i saw the car …..it was so shiny ..its pretty ..it was wonderful …so i went and climbed the car and sat on it .looking at myreflexyion in the galss window …..my older sister came out ….yelling at me … to get down ..the buckles on my shoes will scratch the car …….NO ……..HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT TO ME ..IM NOT HURTING ANYONE ..I WONT TO BE UP HERE ….she statred yelling louder trying to grab me off the car ….i thought fuck you ..your not telling me what to do ..i hate you sister ..i hate you ..i hate you .i hate you as we fought over me being on the car ….well …i had enough …thats it …….im goin to end it ……………i know ill get her in trouble ..ive done that before and she get belted ….yep …..so i picked my nose ……and wiped it along the front window …then jumped off the car my sister yelling at me folowing me into the house as i scream …dad look what sister did ,,she put boogie all over the car …dad …dad look …look …………well dad came running out and saw …….as i was alwasy beleived …she coped another slap accrosee her face ….my big sister actualy coped alot of beatings at my expence ..what i didnt realise was that some of them she was just trying to protect me from harm ..but instead i turned it onto her in such a viscous way .by creating lies to my parents …i was usualy never questioned ….they thought i was the good girl who didnt tell lies i guess ….so i used it to my advantage growing up …i survived by batting my eye lids and big smiles to con everyone ….and it worked ..so why stop ………………………i would get extra drinks from the old mena t the pub by my smiles and pleaseeee im thristy ………

my litle sister didnt get out of it unscathed either …..yeh but she was a pain ..i hated her too …..when she was old enough to walk and follow me …..it made me so fuckin angry there went my alone time …..my peace …..i now had her folowing me evry where i went ////my frinds wernt myn alone anymore ..she came with me to play with the boy next door …….she was taking his attention away from me …..and i serioulsy hated it …. we all decided to paly out side but i had convinced my little sister age 3 to stay in the room and play with the toys a bit longer …..i shut the door behind her and pulled the lock over ..so she couldnt get out and i would ahve my friend to me again …..we went n played and actualy did forget about her for hours ….his mother eventualy found her locked in the room and she has we t her pants ..casue no one heard her cryes …………

..while my older sister felt a sence of protection for both myself and smaller sister ……i didnt feel that at all …..to me it was a look after number one and that was it ……i had no loyalty to any of my sisters …..fitgh for your own ….was what i thought