Now that Upper Deck is effectively out of the market for Major League Baseball cards, it’s also out of the market for Major League baseball cards, too, and that got Lou Brown thinking about what went wrong along the way.

What if Upper Deck had gone with a different Star Rookie in its inaugural 1989 baseball card set instead of Ken Griffey Jr.? What if my man, Wild Thing had been there instead?

Things would have looked a lot different today. I’m telling you.

– Lou Brown

Since Upper Deck has decided to go all renegade and use MLB logos on its 2010 baseball card set — a move that has the attention of Major League Baseball — I just want to know one thing …

Will any of the 1990 buyback cards inserted into packs look anything like this one?

I still haven’t found a Pedro Cerrano card in any of the backs I have purchased … what about you?

– Lou Brown

I’ll tell you right now, Eddie Harris was the glue that held our pitching staff together in 1988.

And he also had all the best lines in Major League.

Watch the video and learn.

– Lou Brown

The off-season is like watching Major League: Back To The Minors – you just can’t wait for it to end.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worst baseball movie I have ever seen — even if it takes the Major League name created by my boys, my Cleveland Indians, and stomps it into the ground complete with a bee sting in the ass.

From the mascot? We could only be so lucky — that’s one big bee. (And he’s got an attitude as you can see at left.)

It’s worth watching once, OK maybe twice, just so you can get the full impact of computer-generated baseballs — from the pitcher’s hand to the plate and off the bat and into the outfield — along with Ted McGinley.

The Ted McGinley.

(Can’t hate Scott Bakula, err Gus Cantrell … he’s all this movie’s got.)

If it had nothing to do with the Major League franchise, then some of the players might be acceptable, funny, characters. But what they did to Pedro Cerrano once again?

And how did Roger Dorn find all that money to buy the Minnesota Twins when “that bitch” Rachel Phelps took him to the cleaners when he owned the Tribe? And when did Harry Doyle lose his job in Cleveland?

Painful.

But at least there are baseball cards.

See them all below.

– Lou Brown

I’d never actually seen one until Saturday when it arrived in my mailbox … Pedro Cerrano‘s only minor league baseball card from the trainwreck known as Major League: Back To The Minors.

Ain’t it a classic?

– Lou Brown

The One-Swing Wonder, Cleveland Indian Pedro Cerrano.

OK.  Picture this.  A scoreless, one-game divisional series playoff between a surging Cleveland Indians and a dominate New York Yankees.  It’s the bottom of the seventh inning and Cleveland’s Pedro Cerrano comes to the plate.  Every major league scout in the country knows Cerrano can’t hit anything other than a fast ball thrown for a strike.  Indeed, the Yankees’ pitcher throws Cerrano two curve balls that leave the voodoo practicing Cerrano looking foolish.  So what is the next pitch the Yankees manager has his pitcher throw?  A PERFECT STRIKE FAST BALL.  And what does Cerrano do with it?  Crushes it out of the park.

You couldn’t write this stuff!

Hot off the heels of yesterday’s landmark — some might say exclusive (but it’s much, much bigger than that) — find, we have gotten our hands on the cards that were intended to be in the 1990 Upper Deck baseball set.

These feature the stars of Major League II — a few guys you have heard of and, based on the box office attendance, some guys you haven’t.

(We won’t mention that the sequel came in 1994 — Major League II documents my squad’s second pennant-winning season, which is firmly 1989.)

– Lou Brown

See the rest of the “missing” 1990 cards after the jump.

“Lou Brown” is the former Major League manager of the Cleveland Indians.

We’ve done some nosing around and have found this exclusive first look world premiere scoop of all scoops — the 14 cards pulled at the last second from the 1989 Upper Deck baseball card set. (Including a card of yours truly, Lou Brown.)

You see, Upper Deck had better things to do in 1989 than include a real Star Rookie named Ricky Vaughn in its inaugural baseball card set. (They instead opted for some bum named Ken Griffey Jr. for card No. 1.)

And they made some other last-second changes to the set — opting to not include managers, bench coaches, announcers and even some Major Leaguers in the 700-card first series.

My team was very, very disappointed. However, after 20 years these “missing”  cards have been discovered and can only be found here on my blog.

– Lou Brown

See all of the cards after the jump.

“Lou Brown” is the former Major League manager of the Cleveland Indians.

I’d like to think that this card would be in the forthcoming 2009 Topps Heritage high-number baseball card set, but 20 years of waiting for a Pedro Cerrano card makes me think it’s just ain’t happening.

One of the things this former manager loves is to re-live the good ol’ days on YouTube.

Here’s Pedro Cerrano‘s first BP session with my squad.

I’ll post more here and there when they pop up.

– Lou Brown, loubrown2009@gmail.com

Once you got to know him, you’d find that Pedro Cerrano had some serious charisma.

In fact, I could see him running for office someday. (And, I swear that guy on the Keifer Sutherland show, 24, looks a lot like him. But, anyway…)

Sure, Cerrano’s voodoo freaked out some veterans in the clubhouse (well, at least Eddie Harris admitted that to me), but Jobu helped Cerrano with the curveball and that’s all that matters. Harris warmed up to Jobu, too, after a freak accident that first summer — so it all paid off in the end.

Believe it or not, Charlie Donovan considered sending Cerrano down to Triple-A early in his rookie season, but we decided we needed his bat in the lineup and then looked to move Vaughn. Good thing we got him some glasses and Cerrano finally pulled it around.

Cerrano’s sophomore season was another story … but Jake, Duke and Pep told me that Isuro “Kamikazi” Tanaka was a real help.

Something about marbles.

Maybe they’re a good stress-reliever? I’ll look into that.

Here’s another of those 1989 Donruss fantasy baseball cards courtesy of a big Major League fan, Chris Olds (now with Beckett Media), who created this card for the San Antonio Express-News sports section in 2005.

It’s my kinda card, Charlie. It’s my kinda card.

– Lou Brown, lbrown2009@gmail.com

Normally, I’d never be a fan of non-Indians personnel in my team’s locker room, but this guy made things happen. (Sorry, Duke and Pepper.)

I’m not big on the whole religion thing — my momma always thought a belt was effective — but Pedro Cerrano‘s spiritual advisor, Jobu, was a master of inspiring clutch performances.

(Forget that Derek Jeter guy…)

If any non-player deserved a baseball card, Jobu was it.

Unfortunately, nobody knows the whereabouts of Jobu today. That’s a shame, because he could seriously help out some players in MLB today. (Read: A-Rod.)

After all, he did plenty for helping Cerrano with the curveball, and I had to think that he inspired ol’ Eddie Harris in our playoff game vs. the Yankees.

Here’s another of those 1989 Donruss fantasy baseball cards courtesy of a big Major League fan, Chris Olds (now with Beckett Media), who created this card for the San Antonio Express-News sports section in 2005.

It’s my kinda card, Charlie. It’s my kinda card.

– Lou Brown, lbrown2009@gmail.com

In February, we brought to Beckett readers news that collectors of some reel-life baseball stars — Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh and Crash Davis — had new items to chase.

But now there’s some much bigger news out of Florida as Reelbats.com is selling baseball bats of the most-feared slugger in Major League history as well as a few other stars from that famed Cleveland Indians squad (and another baseball star’s famed bat … keep reading).

That’s right — replica baseball bats for Pedro Cerrano, Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, Jake Taylor, Willie Mays Hayes, Roger Dorn and the host of Tepee Talk, Harry Doyle, are up for grabs in this, the 20th anniversary year of the R-rated comedy.

The bats, which are officially licensed by Major League Baseball as well as Paramount Pictures, are limited to only 1,000 per player. And like all Louisville Sluggers, the bats are branded and shipped from the Hillerich & Bradsby Louisville Slugger Museum & Factory in Louisville, Ky.

(Click for a closer look and there’s more after the jump.)

Fans of the David S. Ward classic know that there isn’t a lot of memorabilia on the market, so these unique items should pique the interest of a few movie fans. The bats are $99.99 plus shipping.

And, of course, the real allure of these items for more serious collectors is their appeal for autographing. Who wouldn’t want a bat signed by “Wild Thing” or Dorn? (Err, whatever their real names are … )

And, appropriately enough, the Cerrano bat is black, not natural, just like in the movie. (Now if I could just find a fuzzy golf club cover … Hats for bats. Keep bats warm.)

—

For those who like their baseball a few decades further back in reel time, collectors can also grab a “Wonderboy” bat as swung by Roy Hobbs (aka Robert Redford) in The Natural.

It’s not the Savoy Special, but you can pick out this winner for $124.99 plus shipping.

It, too, is limited to just 1,000 bats.

Chris Olds has collected sports cards and memorabilia since 1987. Before coming to Beckett Media, he wrote about the hobby for the Orlando Sentinel on his blog, SportsStuff, and for the San Antonio Express-News and The Tuscaloosa (Ala.) News. Do you have a comment, question or idea? Send e-mail to him at colds@beckett.com.

Just about 24 hours ago, David Murphy, one of the main beat writers for the Philadelphia Phillies, made a bold statement. In his “High Cheese” blog for the Philadelphia Inquirer, Murphy proclaimed a simple way to handle the influx of starting pitchers once Pedro Martinez is activated to the 25-man roster.

That solution?

Move J.A Happ to the bullpen. 

If only it was so simple.

Happ's dazzling performance Wednesday made a potential move to the bullpen almost unthinkable

Happ, who went out to the mound Wednesday night with his job as a starter basically on the line, made things for Phillies management a whole lot harder. A complete-game, four hit shutout against the Rockies will do that.

It was as if Happ knew the indecision within the organization would be a perfect source of motivation. Inning after inning, as the crowd anticipated a Happ gem more and more, it seems that he just got stronger.  

Literally.

He topped out at 93 mph on the radar gun in the waning moments of the ninth inning. When all was said and done, Happ threw 123 pitches, struck out 10 batters, got two standing ovations, and even hit a stand-up double for good measure. 

With all that has surrounded Happ in the past month, all trade rumors and process of elimination demotions to the bullpen included, his performance Wednesday night under the circumstances, which turned out to be second complete-game shutout of the season, made one thing seem all so certain to the 45,000+ in attendance and thousands of other watching.

J.A HAPP SHOULD BE A STARTER!

Now, I know what you are thinking. Six starters for five rotation spots, somebody has to go. Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, and Joe Blanton are untouchable, and Jamie Moyer and Pedro Martinez are most likely destined for Cooperstown at the end of their storied careers. So, where does Happ fit into all this?

Personally, I feel that J.A Happ is one of the Phillies five best starting pitchers. His 8-2 overall record (6-2 as a starter) and team-leading 2.74 E.R.A is a testament to that. If that is the case, and management feels the same way, then there is no reason why he should be sent to the bullpen. If the Cliff Lee trade was any indication, the Phillies are dedicated to winning NOW. Now I know this is an arguable point, but it seems that the best way to win NOW is to put your best players at the present time in the situations that they thrive in. Put your best nine players out on the field, have your best five starting pitchers in the rotation, and so forth.

At the present time, no matter how good Pedro Martinez does in certain rehab appearances (6 IP, 11 K’s Wednesday night at Double-A Reading), he will not be a better starting pitcher than J.A Happ at this point of their respective careers. No questions asked. Happ is younger, has the ability to go deeper into games, and is more fresh than Martinez at this point of his career.

Sure, Pedro Martinez may have something left in his brittle 37-year old bones. His “something” could possibly be more than a normal pitchers “everything” because of Pedro’s talent, which is undeniable. Martinez is a sure-fire Hall of Famer with 200+ wins and three Cy Young Awards.

Will J.A Happ ever be able to compete with that?

Honestly, probably not. But to aid the 2009 Philadelphia Phillies in a potential post-season run, J.A Happ is quite frankly is just a better candidate to play the role of a starting pitcher going forward the rest of the season. That’s even with Pedro’s career accolades considered in the decision.

So, now comes the real question.

What will Ruben Amaro do?

I’ll tell you what. As a spectator at J.A Happ’s gem Wednesday night, it sure seemed that the fans don’t want to see him change roles. Philadelphia fans, while they are many things, are smart. They know that Jamie Moyer doesn’t have the electric stuff or the bullpen experience to be a relief pitcher. The fans understand that the decision comes down to J.A Happ and Pedro Martinez. If Amaro does the smart thing, which would be to keep Happ in the rotation, and put Pedro in the bullpen as one heck of an intimidating set-up man or long reliever, he will most likely have the support of the majority of the fans, organization, and most importantly, the players. 

I’m not saying it’s an easy decision, because it’s not. However, Amaro he will have to adopt some Pedro Cerrano-like “marbles” (Yup, my first Major League movie reference in a blog) if he were to activate Martinez as a starter and demote arguably the most consistent Phillies starter Happ to the bullpen. Not only would he be going against the grain and the wishes of the players in the dugout who have clearly sided with Happ, but he would also be going against one of the most passionate fan bases in Major League Baseball, if Wednesday night’s atmosphere was any indication.

Well look on the bright side, it’s better to have too many starters than not have enough starters.

Final Note: If you readers to do not understand my Pedro Cerrano “marbles” comparison, this should help explain it.

I wish the transaction had been that easy.  It wasn’t.

First, I searched various auctions and used car lots, tirelessly trying to find a vehicle to suit my needs (high MPG, Low mileage, lower cost).  Fruitlessly, the cars in my budget were either undesirable (see: Hyundai, Kia, Toyota Echo… seriously, there’s a reason Toyota doesn’t roll out new models of that lawn mower) or relics (Full loaded Honda Accord… made in 1993!).

Second, I decided to check out Antwerpen as my impromptu survey of the cars I passed on the highway and in the parking lot of my place of employment tended to have Antwerpen Auto’s JacksaysYes’ insignia on them.  Well, Jack should change his motto to JacksaysYestoshitnooneelsewillbuy…

Finally, despite some lukewarm things I heard, I tried Carmax.  After scouring the droves of cars available ( Carmax is like the Ross or Marshall’s of the auto world… Except, instead of sifting through racks upon racks of plaid FUBU and 34×26 Jeans, you get to scroll page upon page of slighly imperfect cars.  There really is no better in either scenario).

However, against all hope, I found my car! It was instant love the moment I laid eyes on her… She was a 2003 Volkswagen Passat.  Perfect color (metalic blue) and she handled like a dream on the test drive (granted, I had just talked myself into testing a 2006 Nissan Sentra so anything would’ve been better in comparison… I do mean anything, even a 2004 Elantra handled better).  Anyway, I was ready to sign papers and make it official… give her registration my last name… and first.  However, something (it was Our Dad) told me to “do my research”.

The internet has become a double edged sword.  While providing us with far more information than is readily available to make well-informed decisions, it also has a plethora of factoids and opinions that can often freeze us.  Paralysis by analysis.  The reviews on Edmunds.com and autoreview.com and a host of other sites made me freeze… Oil Sludge, Engine Problems, Fuel shortages, burnt out coils.  The Passat read like an Auto version of a Maury Povich Show guest…

I was shook.

I spent two days constantly talking myself in and out of the car (one of my coworkers pleaded with me to buy a Toyota… He broke it down like this: A Toyota is like the girl next door… She’s not flashy, nor going to Wow! anyone, but she’ll always have dinner on the table, she’s faithful, and will be there in 20 years.  The Passat was like that smoking, hot girl.  Yeah, I’d blow everyone away when I came into a party or out at the club, but we’d be fighting all the time, a love-hate relationship and she’d spend many nights away at other people’s houses (repair shops) and we’d have a messy divorce that hurt my wallet… Needless to say, Charlie Sheen must’ve bought a Passat).  In the end, I finally decided to go back and purchase the car.

I secured insurance with Progressive (long story:  Let’s just say that I’m jacking the Gecko up, erasing the Esurance girl, and challenging Pedro Cerrano to a fight when I see them… don’t get me started on Nationwide) and I was ready to go.

One Problem.  The Passat had been sold.  Our dad told me I should’ve bought it one of the previous days.  He’s helpful like that.

So… What did I do?  The same thing that millions of other Americans would do when the person of their dreams left with someone else.  I found the first, decent looking alternative and pushed ahead full steam (This is a love story… though, not like the South Carolina Governor for reasons I don’t think I have to spell out).

She was a 2002 Toyota Camry.  She has a sun roof, 30+ MPG, and less than 75k miles… which, for a Toyota I’m told, is just breaking it in.

That’s the story… We’re happy together and I don’t even think about what could’ve been when I see Passats on the road now.

Well, I do a little bit…

One of the great things about the hobby of collecting sports cards and memorabilia is that there’s almost always a surprise to be found.

And, in my 20-plus years of collecting — and nearly a decade of writing about the hobby — there aren’t too many sets that I haven’t at least seen in passing or heard something, a nugget, about in the past.

Until earlier this year.

There’s one set firmly atop my want-list (I need a set, or two, or three …) these days — one that’s nowhere to be found in the inventory of any major dealer I have contacted, one that is nowhere to be found online (eBay, Beckett Marketplace or otherwise), one that’s eluded pretty much anyone who has a scanner nearby because even images of these cards are nowhere to be found. Anywhere.

It’s not an expensive set — in fact not one of the people pictured in the set have appeared in an official Major League Baseball game, yet they are all legends of the game, true Major Leaguers.

What? Keep reading…

I stumbled upon the set’s listing doing some research in the Beckett Database. It’s an 11-card set of slightly oversized photos featuring the stars of David S. Ward‘s Major League, the greatest baseball movie ever made. (That’s right, I said it.)

All I’ve ever seen for this set, the 1989 Major League Movie release, is what’s above — the listing in the Beckett Almanac. That’s it’ a stamp-sized black-and-white fuzzy image of what looks like a 1974 Topps knockoff design with a Super Bubble bubble gum logo.

All the legends of what’s, hands down, my favorite baseball movie are in there — just not by their reel names. Pedro Cerrano? Check. Ricky Vaughn? Yep. Willie Mays Hays. Uh-huh. Instead it’s Dennis Haysbert, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes and so on …

Only one of the dealers I contacted said they had previously had the set in stock, but don’t right now — but none of the others (several of the big names you probably already know) have it. How about a place like moviegoods.com, which has pretty much everything one could expect to find for movie memorabilia? Nope.

This is the hobby version of the old question “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Instead, it’s “If a Willie Mays Hayes card is nowhere to be found, does it really exist?”

Of course they exist, but apparently they’re not plentiful right now — and given the time-frame that these cards were produced they shouldn’t be nearly as rare as most of the stuff being made today. And, yet, they’re nowhere to be found. (That’s a thought many collectors should consider for their rarer 1980s and 1990s inserts and other  oddities. You never know what could interest other collectors.)

Just think, this is merely a 20-year-old food issue set. It’s not like it’s a 1937-38 Zeenuts minor league card of Floyd Olds (No. 37) or his 1938 Oakland Oaks Signal Oil Stamp (No. 15).

Those would be tough finds.

Then again, now that I think about it, I haven’t even seen those, either.

Chris Olds has collected sports cards and memorabilia since 1987. Before coming to Beckett Media, he wrote about the hobby for the Orlando Sentinel on his blog, SportsStuff, and for the San Antonio Express-News and The Tuscaloosa (Ala.) News. Do you have a comment, question or idea? Send e-mail to him at colds@beckett.com.

Move over Bob Feller, the greatest pitcher in Cleveland Indians history is set to be honored later this season in the most noteworthy and most important way possible, a manner befitting of a legend of the game.

Via an in-stadium promotion.

Roughly two months from now on Monday, June 15, the Cleveland Indians will celebrate Major League Monday at Progressive Field (aka The Jake; we all know it’s named after catcher Jake Taylor, right?) as Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn bobbleheads will be given away to all fans in attendance as the Indians host the Brewers.

And you know what else that means? Harry Doyle (aka Brewers radio announcer Bob Uecker) will be in the booth.

No word on whether Pedro Cerrano will be in attendance, but we’ll let you know as soon as we hear a thing …

Oh, and, for the record, it’s never too early for Roger Dorn poster night.

Chris Olds has collected sports cards and memorabilia since 1987. Before coming to Beckett Media, he wrote about the hobby for the Orlando Sentinel on his blog, SportsStuff, and for the San Antonio Express-News and The Tuscaloosa (Ala.) News. Do you have a comment, question or idea? Send e-mail to him at colds@beckett.com.

We roared out of the gates with a 4-2 record and sat in a tie for third place.  Our team is comprised of co-workers, spouses, and friends – most of them being former athletes at one level or another.  And despite the fact that only a few of us had prior baseball/softball experience on a high school or higher level, we fought off our opponents with a slew of hits, solid defensive plays, and playing hard.

Since that better-than-expected start, we hit a wall that looks higher by the week.  In the last five games prior to Monday, we were 0-5, losing two games by three runs or less (one on a walk-off solo bomb), two by high double-digits, and a fifth due to forfeit because we were short a couple of players by the time the game started (turns out, we would’ve drilled the team we forfeited too).

To respond to the wave of losing – I decided to call on someone, errrr…something, that I’ve seen work magic before.  Actually, it’s not magic – it’s voodoo.

If you’re familiar with the movie Major League, then you probably know where I’m going with this.  If you haven’t seen the movie, you best put it in your NetFlix queue, post-haste, and report back to this column once your finished.

Cerrano needed help - and so did we...

Jobu will come - take fear from bats!

For those of you that have seen the movie – I’ll continue.  I pulled a Pedro Cerrano, and called on Jobu to help our team.  To my surprise, you can’t buy a Jobu voodoo doll anywhere on the internet (who knew?) – so I settled for printing out a picture of him that I found online.  To keep him propped up, I displaced one of my Students of the Illinois News Broadcasters Association plaques, and placed the printed out picture on the plaque holder in our office (can you tell I want to win?).  I then followed Cerrano’s lead, and presented an offering to Jobu – consisting of rum and a cigar.  You ask anyone in our office, and they’d tell you I was convinced we would be victorious by asking for Jobu’s help.  He takes fear from bats!  We will take no prisoners!!

……

……

The opposing pitcher with one hand, like Cy Young winner Jim Abbott here, made few mistakes.

We got destroyed, 16-2. It was so bad, the slaughter rule came into effect after the fifth inning.  Not only that, but we lost to Jim Abbott’s clone – no joke.  I didn’t even realize the man only had one hand until the fourth inning when he made a slick fielding play on a comebacker, in which he fielded the ball and threw out our hitter with the same hand – switching his glove seemlessly to the opposite hand mid-play to record the out.  Not only that, the guy was 3-3 with a double and two singles.  He single-handedly took us apart.  Oh jeez…uhhhhhh…was that joke inappropriate?  I’ll be honest, I didn’t think about the pun until after I typed it.  Oh well, my cursor only retreats if there is a typo…

(Seriously, though – someone that can play like that with a “handicap” of sorts is inspiring to say the least.)

Our team fell to 4-8, and out of playoff contention, and I felt nothing but rage toward Jobu.  He was supposed to help our team!  OK, so I did hit a homer, but I’ve had four of those on the season, and I was hitless in the game otherwise, so he didn’t go out of his way to help me in particular, and he sure didn’t assist our team’s luck!  So that got me to thinking – what the hell went wrong??

Asking Too Much?: Cerrano asked Jobu to come because, “Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straight-ball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid.”  I wasn’t asking for help with curveballs, I needed wins.  I would’ve given up all of my homers for another win or two.  Jobu must not have understood.

The one time where I was completely opposed to Illinois' public smoking ban.

Cigar Choice: I would imagine on Cerrano’s contract with the Indians, he could afford to smuggle and buy a Cuban cigar.  I on the other hand, was stuck with the grape flavored, White Owl cigar I bought at the 7/11 down the street from our office.  C’mon now – don’t give me that look!!  At least I didn’t present Jobu with a Swisher Sweet!  Another problem was that Cerrano was able to light the cigar for Jobu.  During the time that film was made, about 4% of American’s cared about the harm of smoking, and they sure didn’t have any laws pertaining to smoking in a public building.  I was hamstrung – I couldn’t light the dang thing!  And I sure as hell wasn’t about to go outside in the morning rain, sit 50 feet away from the door next to picture of a voodoo doll with a lit cigar.  But if that’s what it takes, I may consider it…

Should've splurged more on the rum...

Rum Choice: I’m not sure what brand Cerrano used, but I thought the 1/4 bottle of imported Baroca would do the trick.  That was, until I read the bottle a little closer the following day and noticed the word “Diluted” on there, and the “21% proof”, and found it was imported from the Virgin Islands.  I mean, honestly, that does NOT qualify as a freaking import; they use American money!!!

I admit, I could have put forth more effort, and stepped up the offerings to Jobu a little bit, but I’m not asking to win a professional baseball game – just a slow pitch softball game.  So I assumed the offerings could be “dumbed down” a bit.  Boy was I wrong!

Then, the idea struck me like the rogue maple that smacked Eddie Harris.  Did Jobu even help Cerrano??  Think about it.  Down a couple runs late in the game, Cerrano swings and misses at a couple of dueces, steps out of the box and says, “I pissed off now, Jobu.  Look, I good to you.  I stick up for you.  If you no help me now…I say (expletive) you Jobu, I do it myself!”  Then he turns around a jacks the game-tying homer.  But did Jobu help him, or did Cerrano do it himself??  Or…oh no…no, no, no, no, no.  Hold the phones here.  Did Cerrano hit the homer because of that stupid bucket of KFC that Jake Taylor gave him before the game, in place of the live chicken Cerrano wanted to sacrifice so he could have extra power?  Awwww man!  I went about this all wrong!  Team Scoutware – looks like we’re hittin up Kentucky Fried Chicken before the next game!

The key isn't with Jobu, or with Captain Morgan...it's with the Colonel baby!

Here’s the roster and lineup that I could divine from watching just last night:

1. Willie Mays Hayes, CF
2. Jake Taylor, C
3. Roger Dorn, 3B
4. Pedro Cerrano, DH
5. Not Sure
6. No Idea
7. Could Be Anybody
8. Probably a Middle Infielder
9. Jack Tomlinson, OF

The rotation featured veteran Eddie Harris, and wildman Rick Vaughn. For a baseball movie, this one is really short on detail for the rosters, etc. Hard to piece together. It is interesting, given the era and the way the characters are drawn, to try and figure out what each character could be based on.

WILLIE MAYS HAYES- Had this movie been made in 1999 instead if 1989, the answer here would be obvious- Kenny Lofton. Wesley Snipes vaguely remembles him, is on the right team, and I actually think kind of runs like him. They’re slightly similar players- Lofton was, of course, a very fast base-stealing CF- especially early in his career. That being said, there’s nothing there to suggest Hayes is even a passable hitter, where Lofton was actually rather good. Throughout the entire movie, in fact, we never see Hayes get a ball out of the infield- which doesn’t mean he doesn’t, but here’s the thing- he could have been historically bad, but never replaced, because, well, that’s sort of the point of the movie. But, he had to be somewhat decent, because, of course, the Indians win their division. To me, he seems like 2001- era Tony Womack as a hitter more than Lofton. The movie came out in 1989, though, two years before Lofton made his debut. So, they basically forecasted Lofton’s existence. The movie’s always got that in it’s back pocket.

PEDRO CERRANO- Not the most PC character in movie history, Cerrano is an eccentric, moody, temperamental Latin player that can mash fastballs while looking like a Little Leaguer against the breaking ball. He’s Cuban, and he’s into voodoo. Isn’t voodoo a Haitian thing? Whatever.

Cerrano seems more like an amalgamation than anything else. One name that came to mind was George Bell, a Dominican player that was almost all power- but Bell didn’t strike out enough to be a LOT like Cerrano (who was Bellhorn/ Dunn-like), but there’s some similarity there. As far as a Latin player that strikes out a lot, and has trouble with breaking balls, there’s always Jose Hernandez, but he unfortunately came around after the movie as well. Cerrano’s tough- there’s a little Bobby Bonds in him, a little Juan Samuel, a little Mo Vaughn/ David Ortiz, maybe even a little George Foster. Cerrano was obviously their biggest power threat, but he never laid off the breaking ball and was clearly not getting on base much, so the Adam Dunn/ Jim Thome imprimatur just doesn’t fit. Rob Deer is a decent comparison, but Deer wasn’t Latin. I think a melding of Deer and Juan Samuel works for me. Best move on.

ROGER DORN- I’ll admit, whenever I see Dorn, I think of Steve Garvey. The only problem is that the glaring problem with Dorn- his defense- was one of Garvey’s strengths. Garvey won four Gold Gloves.

By all appearances, Dorn is the best overall player on the Indians that year. He’s a liability defensively, and he’s obviously declining, but he seemed to be one player that they couldn’t get rid of because of salary, and because they overestimated how much the poor defense would hurt the team. I mean, we see him spraying the ball all over the field when he hits, and those runs had to come from somewhere, right? They did win the division. I think Dorn gets a short shrift for being a vain little bitch.

Which is where Garvey comes in. Between the movie-star good looks, the self importance, and the wife-cheating, there are some strong similarities there. Garvey, like Dorn, wasn’t a huge power threat, but he had some pop (likely depressed by Dodger Stadium and Jack Murphy Stadium). Dorn looks like Garvey circa 1985 in this movie; Garvey hit .281 that year with 17 HRs, while Dorn hits .291 in 1989 with an unspecified number of HRs, but if I had to guess, 20 would probably be the ceiling.

EDDIE HARRIS- Probably my favorite character in the movie. I don’t know if Gaylord Perry was a strong Christian or not, but either way he better be getting royalties on this movie. Eddie Harris (“this… is Vagisil”) IS Gaylord Perry.

RICK VAUGHN- Like Willie Hayes and Kenny Lofton, it’s easy to forget that the “Wild Thing” moniker was applied to Vaugh first and NOT Mitch Williams. That said- Williams started his career in 1986. In 1987, he threw 108.2 IP and walked 94. In 1990, he walked 50 in 66.1 IP. The whole Rick Vaughn persona- throws HARD and has no control- is pretty tried and true in baseball history. Williams, Steve Dalkowski, Bobby Jenks- it’s not new. These guys tend to carry with them something akin to Vaughn’s personality as well- uncontrollable, youthful, hard to pin down.

All that said, the Vaughn/ Williams comparison’s too close and too perfect. Life imitating art imitating life.

JAKE TAYLOR- OK, question- how many 38 year old catchers with knees like grinding gears have ever taken a few years away to play in the Mexican Leagues, only to come back and hit second in a major league lineup? It’s crazy. It obviously makes so little sense that you can just assume he hits second so that he can come up right after Hayes for plot purposes. So, no sense in dragging that point around.

His comps are tough. Appearance-wise, he’s kind of a blend of Gary Carter and Darrel Porter. Taylor’s a lot tougher and down-and-dirty than Carter ever was, and isn’t nearly the player that Porter was. Plus, Porter never played past 35. Best as I can tell, Taylor is a contact hitter with fairly limited pop (save for when he’s pantomiming in his Miami Vice suit about pennant-winning HRs), which makes the idea of him calling his shot all the funnier. Think Toby Hall doing it today.

I think Bill Freehan’s a good guy to go with. A gritty leader-y guy, Bill was good enough in his prime to have been like Taylor (who, remember, was “one of the best in the majors before he hurt his knees”), and tailed off to around what Taylor likely was in ’89. Has a “winning” history- caught for the Tigers in 1968, when the won the Series. Freehan retired after his age 34 season, but if some Vegas stripper inherited the Indians in 1979, he wouldn’t have been a bad candidate for the Jake Taylor role, I think. Good enough not to arouse suspicion, but gone long enough to suck to her standards.

LOU BROWN, MANAGER- As a decision maker- let’s say he’s a good “movie” manager. Late in the decisive one-game playoff against NYY, he does the following:

Brings in Rick Vaughn in a CRUCIAL spot to face Triple Crown Winner (!!) Clue Haywood (played by former Brewers PITCHER Pete Vuckovich). In previous ABs against Vaughn that season, Haywood had homered, homered, homered and homered. I may be forgetting a homer or two. Tells his catcher Taylor, “I got a hunch.”

But, all these decisions work out. He’s like Jack McKeon in the 2003 playoffs. Dumb move after dumb move, and he falls ass-backwards into amazing luck. McKeon’s a good comp because he’s “no-nonsense” and really lets his players have it. That said, McKeon’s old-guy phase wasn’t really in full swing in 1989, and Lou Brown doesn’t seem like a complete asshole.

Earl Weaver was similar in temperament, but Earl Weaver was also the smartest man to ever manage a baseball team, and Lou Brown doesn’t seem to be. The guys that seem to survive on Brown-like temperament (Sparky Anderson, John McGraw, Weaver) all seem to be a bit more advanced strategically. Lou Piniella and Jack McKeon are good recent comparisons. Dick Williams may also work from the pool of managers from before the film’s release.

A couple other things that bothered me, and we’ll for a moment pretend this isn’t a movie, because, well, that’s a pretext for most of the questionable parts of the movie, especially plot-wise.

OK. Why, when the Indians began to surge, did Rachel Phelps feel powerless to stop it? Even if the resurgence happens AFTER the trading deadline, and the Indians basically play like the 27 Yankees for two months to get back in the race- couldn’t something be done that made them TOO bad, but didn’t look like, say, a Marlins firesale? I mean, she could have taken her best part(s); say, Cerrano and Dorn, and traded them to a contender for a few minor leaguers. You know, what the Pirates do every year in July.

Then, they could have put Harris and Taylor on waivers (because they’re too old, etc), or even DFA one or both of them. Vaughn would be tough to move with his control problems, so you could send him down to the minors (like Brown himself nearly did) to “work on his control.” I think you’d be more or less stuck with Hayes, unless someone wanted him in a Dave-Roberts-type-role. You could also “suspend” him for his “showboating.” Things could be done.

Also, as vengeful as what Suzanne Dorn does to Roger- and it most certainly is deserved, obviously- it’s as big a burden on Vaughn, too, right? I mean, she seems to actually like him a little- so why does she let him fuck her, tell him then that she’s Dorn’s wife, and then tell Dorn? Yea, Dorn’s pissed- but at least he gets the pleasure of “seeking revenge” or whatever. It almost reads like her setting VAUGHN up.

If I ever watched the Red Sox win the division, and in the ensuing celebration Josh Bard brings his girlfriend on the field and hoists her into the pile, I’ll probably break something.

Rachel Phelps is a former stripper, right? And all those players in the locker room are at least 18… correct? So why does the cardboard standy of her with the removable clothing have pasties on the nipples and a thong on? They really couldn’t have gotten a naked chick under there? This was a rated R movie, right? I mean, even Harris was into some smut (you see him reading “Hustler” on the team bus), and he was a Bible Thumper. Strange.

The stadium sing/ dance-along to “Wild Thing” when Vaughn comes out of the bullpen makes me really uncomfortable. Like, really. I usually just look away. I turn back in time for “strike this MOTHERFUCKER out!” though.

My favorite part? Harris drinking Jobu’s rum then getting clunked on the dome-piece by a flying bat. The spirit of the movie in one shot. Nice.

-tim.