I’m dreading having The Talk. I’m dreading, dreading, dreading having The Talk.

Will we have it tonight, when we go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant? (her idea, btw, to go out to dinner.)

Will it be some evening after the kids are in bed?

What if she says she wants to try to work it out?

(If she doesn’t, then I think everything goes easier. I think.)

Last night, after we got the kids to bed, we stayed up and watched a movie on DVD. She extended her legs on the couch so that her feet touched my leg… the first sign of affection in a very long time. I did nothing. She pulled back.

We went to bed at the same time for the first time in weeks. She didn’t scoot all the way over to her side, again touching me with her legs. Again, I did nothing. We fell asleep.

She is overwhelmed with all we have to do just to get our financial house in order (not that she’s doing what needs to be done) and taking care of the kids (which is a lot of work, and is wearing her down.) I suspect she sees The Talk coming. But if so, she’s not doing much to head it off. I’m worried about the possibility of adding too much to her burdens. But I also know I can’t continue to carry our marriage alone on my back.

Oh, I’m dreading it. I’m dreading, dreading, dreading having The Talk.

[But I remain committed to having it.]

    This is a true account of what happened to one of my granddaughters, and I have checked the policy with a spokesperson for the school here in Hillsborough County, Florida. But since I am using the word “I” in a “news story” I wanted to be sure and begin by saying although it may be written as a column, the content of this story is factual. I am posting it in hopes many people who have children in public schools across the country will check and see if such policies are in force in their state and let me know by emailing penny@pennyfletcher.com or contacting me through my Web site, www.pennyfletcher.com.

   As many of my regular readers know, I am raising a granddaughter, who I have had since she was seven months old and is now 12. Last week while preparing for the holiday party in her classroom, we were in Walmart and she was carefully reading all the wording on the back of Christmas cards.

   Since she was taking a particularly long time to do this (and of course I was in a hurry to continue shopping) I asked what was it she was looking for so I could help.

   ”I have to be sure there aren’t any religious sayings or references in the cards,” she told me. “If we take them to school, we could get in trouble.”

   OK people- I know my Constitution pretty well and it includes freedom of speech and freedom of the press. A card is a free gift; the buyer is “allowed” to purchase it and the recipient is “free” to read it. The written words on the card are protected under our Constitutional rights of freedom of both speech and press.

   As for the wording on the “holiday” cards: the word Christmas comes from the original meaning of the holiday. It is a shortened version of ”Christ’s Mass” (meaning Christ-based church service) and is hundreds of years old. The word “holiday” is a shortened version of “holy day” also rooted from a religious meaning.

   These are facts. Ask any language arts or English teacher.

   Warning:  the next section is commentary based on what has just been reported. I tell you this because the major news outlets usually mix their news and commentary, which I refuse to do without posting a warning so you won’t ever mistake my opinion as fact.

   The fact that a child in 6th Grade is not permitted to bring a card with reference to a religious meaning to a public school in America is to me, a serious breach of Constitutional rights. They are also not permitted to wear any religious symbols or wording on jewelry or T-shirts, although the Simpson’s crude remarks or skulls or peace symbols or any number of other symbols and wording are permitted and go unquestioned.

    This smells of a discrimination (class-action) lawsuit if I ever heard of one. The separation of church and state were created to give people rights, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, or whatever. 

    This is not a religious issue and needs not be handled as such. If the religious right keeps talking about “persecution of Christians” it will continue to lose the Constitutional cause on which this dilemma is really based by making enemies outside its ranks who are also losing their rights but haven’t realized it yet.

    I happen to be a Christian. I am active in my church and speak my mind about it but I have no wish to infringe on your Constitutional rights which as a journalist, I will continue to defend. I have Jewish friends; a Muslim friend and several Atheist friends. In my business I meet all kinds of people- my friends are multi-ethnic; multi-colored and may or may not choose the same type of worship as I do.

   This is America and we all deserve each other’s respect. We are shedding enough American blood on foreign soil to assure that citizens of other countries have freedom and democracy but losing it in our own land.

   If someone chooses to erect a Christmas tree or a Menorah or draw a Medicine Wheel in front of my City Hall, why is it so important someone make an issue of removing them?  The atheists I know say this is ridiculous; that as long as someone doesn’t try and change what they do, they’re fine with what others do. So who is it really behind all this “anti-religion of any kind” philosophy?

  I want to know why the $#@! a 12-year-old child is trying so hard to keep from “getting in trouble” over  a religious word on a “holiday” card? Don’t you?

Merry Christmas to all! Remember the true meaning of Christmas on this day and be glad that we are here to live it!

Pennies are so special because they have so many great qualities to them. The most powerful is the inscription of the words ‘In God We Trust’ on it. Every time you see a penny it can not only make your day a little brighter, but also remind you that God is there with you wherever you are. That could be in your purse, the spare change you get at a restaurant, or just laying on the street. Wherever it is, he’ll always be with you.

Remember to get your $3.65 before the 1st of January!

When Penny and I broke up in 1996-97 (we were dating at the time; not yet married), we lived maybe four blocks apart. We got back together, and after a couple of weeks, Penny suggested she move in with me.

It was the logical thing to do. I was committed to marrying her (we were “engaged to be engaged”), her lease was about to expire, and it would save us money. My apartment was big enough.

And I suggested it might be a bit soon, that it might not be a good idea. While *I* was committed, she still didn’t act as if she was. We were back together… but when I made any sexual advances, she would reply that she wasn’t ready yet. It was too soon. If it was too soon to have sex again, I thought, then wasn’t it too soon to live together as a couple?

Then there was the fact that a certain shithead was still living in the downstairs apartment of my house. (Said shithead had made a compelling case that he would be a better boyfriend than I, and he wooed Penny away from me, but she eventually returned to me. Supposedly.)

Oh yes, my friends, my life was a country song back then.

But, well, Penny was practical, and it all made sense, and I was committed, wasn’t I? So she moved in.

[Yes. I should have been committed.]

When we saw our first couples counselor last year, at the very first session we had together, the counselor asked when the trouble began. Penny said it was probably then: when we moved in together at Penny’s suggestion, even though I had said it might be too soon.

Now, here we are at the close of 2009. Our financial situation is rather bleak, and our marriage is little more than a business relationship (with co-parenting mixed in). I have decided that I am no longer interested in remaining in a loveless marriage, and have tried to resolve the loveless aspect of it in vain. A couple of commenters have posed the question: why not divorce, but continue to live as roommates, keeping the house and stuff as shared property for the benefit of the kids?

Staying as roommates does have the benefit of being practical… from a strictly financial standpoint. For the short term. This is what I didn’t quite process those many years ago when we first lived together: the word “practical” can be applied to more than one aspect of a situation. Yes, it would be financially practical. For the short term.

But getting a divorce on paper without actually divorcing our lives would pretty much keep me in the situation I’m in now: having all of the disadvantages of being married and all of the disadvantages of being single, with none of the advantages of either.

First of all, I do not want to know a damn thing about Penny dating anyone else. I just would not want to know it. I can’t imagine she would want to know anything about me dating anyone else. Now, how’s that going to work out if we remain housemates?

Dating without the kids being in some way involved (or, at the very least, aware) also becomes problematic. As does the notion of bringing someone home. In fact, when you get right down to it, what does it tell a prospective date when I say, “I still live with the mother of my children. But it’s okay. We’re not married any more.”

And it’s not like I’d be getting any action from Penny.

Then there’s the financial entanglements. In fact, this is one of the major bones of contention. Penny and I have different attitudes about money; differences that have led her to admit that she doesn’t respect me (and, I’m coming to realize… I don’t respect her approach, either. At all. More on that another time, perhaps.) Remaining in a housemate situation does nothing to address that disparity, nor the respect issue.

And the fact of the matter is, I don’t want my money situation tied to hers any longer. I don’t want to be on the hook for her debts, and neither do I want her to be involved in the debts I incur. I don’t like her debts, and I don’t like her having any say over mine.

As another commenter brought up, there’s also the issue of how we role model for our kids, and I think it’s a biggie. I grew up in a household where my parents sometimes fought, but they always showed affection for each other. Terms of endearment. Hugs. Kisses. They liked each other. That’s the kind of thing I need for my kids to see: a healthy, loving relationship.

I’m already seeing respect and affection issues in our two oldest, and I’m not entirely convinced it’s because of their ages.

There’s certainly the possibility that for practical considerations, we will have to consider remaining in one household for longer than I prefer. But the point is that I’m setting goals in an effort to be clear that it’s a temporary situation.

The point is to be clear that as soon as it’s practical, I need to get on with my life.

And if it’s not practical soon, I need to work harder to make it practical. It’s not about rushing headlong into divorce regardless of the consequences. It’s about being mindful, and heading off those consequences sooner rather than later.

Yes, I admit it. I’m on Twitter. I’m addicted – well, I was until recently anyway. I spent alot of time on Twitter talking to like-minded mothers, trading stories, supporting each other, offering advice. I went there looking for the kind of advice that I wanted and wasn’t receiving from my family and friends. That’s not to say that I didn’t appreciate the advice I was getting but some of the advice just didn’t suit the way I felt about parenting. I didn’t know back then that my parenting style is called Attachment Parenting.

Attachment parenting… is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, the child forms a strong emotional bond with caregivers during childhood with lifelong consequences. Sensitive and emotionally available parenting helps the child to form a secure attachment style which fosters a child’s socio-emotional development and well being.

I love Penny to bits, and there’s nothing I’d rather do than cuddle with her. I want to parent her in a mature manner, which in my mind means including her in decisions, using reasoning rather than dictation, and I never want her to doubt my love for her. In general, my beliefs about parenting fall under the umbrella of attachment parenting, even if I don’t subscribe to every ideal.

One of the big issues that is raised with regards to attachment parenting is the concept of “crying it out.” There is a huge debate between the different parenting styles, with attachment parenting denouncing crying it out (or CIO as it is commonly referred to) as harmful to the child and your parental relationship with them. I’m not here to debate this topic. I have always felt that letting my baby cry is unnatural, and not what nature intended. I won’t go so far as to say it is harmful to the child’s mental well being, but the reasoning does follow that it could be. A child may feel abandonned or that their needs are not being met when they are left to cry. I haven’t often heard about the potential mental health issues for a parent who lets their child cry. I am currently on anti-depressants and in counselling, thanks to Penny’s crying. No, my child crying did not give me post-partum depression. But my reaction to her crying led me to finally seek medical help. When your child cries and you can’t fix their problem, you can’t make their world right, you feel incompetent and unfit to be a parent. At least that’s how I feel.

Anyway, back to the issue of CIO. The mothers I talk to on Twitter are generally of the same mind as me. They believe in attachment parenting, and don’t belive in CIO. About a month back I had alot of problems with Penny’s entire sleep routine – she wasn’t napping long enough, was napping too late into the evening, fought going to sleep for the night, and was waking multiple times a night. My family all said she had to cry herself to sleep. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I asked every one of them – my 2 sets of grandparents, my parents, my in-laws – and that was the answer I got from all of them. Only my father-in-law understood how difficult it would be and acknowledged that it wasn’t the best option. I turned to my friends on Twitter, and was surprised at how many of them said I had to let Penny cry. I still didn’t want to hear that answer. I never got the answer I was looking for. I don’t know what that answer was since I was probably looking for a quick fix.

After we moved and settled into our new house, Penny went to the dayhome and I went to work, and we all settled into a routine. Thanks to that routine Penny finally got onto a better sleep routine. But in the process of waiting for all of our routines to be reworked we ended up letting Penny cry it out. The first time we did was horrible, but I think it was less horrible than it could have been. Penny was still sleeping in her playpen in our room. The night we let her cry we stayed in the room with her, as we were trying to go to sleep as well. In my mind, being in the room with her helps mitigate the fear of abandonment. Hopefully it helped to have us there. Since then we’ve had to let her cry herself to sleep a number of times. It’s horrible every time. I just want to bash my head against a concrete wall every time we do it (fortunately I’m on meds that help stop me from doing it).

Ever since the first night that I let Penny cry, I’ve been avoiding my friends on Twitter. I’m disappointed that I let her cry, and ashamed that I continue to let her cry. I feel like I no longer belong to the ‘club’ of like-minded mothers. I am scared that they’ll look down on me and they won’t want to talk to me any more. I know better. I know that parents do what they need to do to get through. There’s no manual on how to raise a child. There’s no right or wrong way, just a right-for-you way (OK, there’s a wrong way, but we’re not talking about abuse and neglect here). But I still feel like I will be shunned if I admit that I let Penny cry herself to sleep. There are so many women I look up to on Twitter, and I think they’d never let a child cry. How can I aspire to be like them after I have crossed that line?

All episodes complete! 42 agonizing days until the Lost Season 6 premier, and like you I am completely lost.

Now that was one hell of a finale. Lost fans what did you do on your summer vacation? “Um we argued back and forth if the timeline of the show was reset when Juliet blew up the nuke”. I have a very strong opinion on what happened (surprised?) but I’m hoping to hear all your theories since you can now comment without fear of spoiling me. But first the recap:

We see Jacob & an unknown “friend” (being called nemesis in some circles) enjoying a typical 1800s day by the fully erect statue by the beach. There is a boat on the horizon (presumable the Black Rock) and Nemesis asks Jacob why he brought the boat to the island when people always end up fighting and killing each other. Jacob says until the final end everything is progress. Nemesis remarks that  he will someday find a loophole and kill Jacob. Next we see flashbacks of almost every significant Lostie and how Jacob interacted with all of them at some point. Jacob payed for the lunchbox kid-Kate stole, lent Sawyer the pen he used to write the letter to Sawyer, prevented Sayid from being hit by the car that killed Nadia, brought Locke back to life after his father pushed him out that window, congratulated Jin & Sun at their wedding, picked up Hurley outside the police station and convinced him to get on AA Flight 316 and left him a guitar case, and finally visited Boobie-Fett in the hospital and asked her to do him a favor. Interestingly enough, Jacob was not in the flashback where Juliet found out her parents were getting a divorce. Back on the present day island Locke tells Richard to take all The Others to see Jacob and tells Other Ben he has to kill Jacob. Other Ben agrees because Dead SlingShot (Alex) told him to do everything Locke said and because he feels slighted that Jacob never met him in all his years as leader of the Others. We find out Jacob lives at the bottom of the four-toed statue (what lies in the shadow of the statue…the one that can save us…apparently Jacob) and Other Ben and Locke going in for a quality time visit. While Locke and Other Ben are in the statue it it is revealed that Boobie-Fett and her pals were carrying around  real-Locke’s body the whole time, making everyone wonder who is in the statue with Other Ben! Cut to inside the statue, Jacob congratulates fake-Locke on finding a loop hole thus revealing him to be Nemesis. Nemesis’ plan works and Other Ben kills Jacob and for just for giggles, Nemesis kicks Jacob’s body into the fire.

Back in 1977, Kate, SawFleur & Juliet break out of the sub and go back to stop Jack (they also run into Rose, White Bernard & Vincent who have been living happily ever after for the last 3 years). Juliet changes her mind several times but eventually decides the right thing to do is to help Jack reset the future by blowing up the atom bomb down the chamber of the unbuilt hatch. Sayid who was likely given a fatal gun wound from an earlier gun fight, sets the atom bomb to detonate on impact. Ghostbuster then wisely asks the question: “How do you know blowing up the nuke isn’t the incident??” No one has an answer for him and they decide to blow up the nuke anyway. There is a big gun fight but the Losties win and Jack throws the nuke down the hatch hole but nothing happens. Meanwhile the drill hits the pocket of energy and everything metal begins to be pulled towards the pocket of energy. Juliet gets tangled in a chain and in a heartbreaking moment Sawyer loses her hand and she is pulled down to the bottom of the hatch hole. Juliet wakes up badly injuried at the bottom of the hatch hole and sees the nuke is still intact. Using a rock next to her, she slams the nuke 8 times and it explodes and we get LOST WHITE-screened. End of season. AHHHHH!

I am sure time is reset. It has to be. There is no way the writers would tease us with the possibility of a reset and then not give it to us. Based on the name of the first episode in season 6 plus the fact that everyone and Aaron’s mom is on the season 6 promo cover (welcome back Boone, Sticks, Mr. Eko), I believe 815 is landing in LAX. The question is how do the events of the island converge with the new present? The past 5 seasons can’t all be for nothing, that would be horrible! The writers would have a revolution on their hands! We’d take to the streets, shoot fire arrows at the writers and send the black smoke monster at ABC! It’s possible the nuke was “the incident” all along and somehow that flashes forward all the Losties into the present where life is happy for everyone, but I just don’t see it. Obviously everything would change if 815 lands safely in LAX starting with the passengers not knowing each other. Here are a few other not so obvious changes in history:

• Jacob is alive. If 815 never crashes, Nemesis’ plan can never use Locke. I bet that’ll piss off Nemesis
• What will Desmond do with himself on the island? If the hatch is never built, how does Desmond occupy himself? Does he become an Other or is he killed by The Others? He also won’t meet Faraday in Oxford and who knows what the consequences for that are.
• Ethan is never born. Sawyer saves his mother in the future. Also who knows all the consequences that will occur from the Losties not traveling back in time!
• Other Ben might die from his back tumor. On one hand Jack won’t be on the island to save him (neither will Ethan), but on the other hand if the hatch doesn’t blow up then the electrocal systems on the island will be intact meaning Other Ben can leave the island on the sub Locke will never blow up to see a real doctor
• Desmond will never tell Penny to call him on christmas eve.
• The freighter may never find the island. I think the 815 crash gave Widmore a good guess on the island’ location and without the crash, he might not have been able to find it.

And there are the obvious consequences. The bad: Sawyer is still a conman, Rose, Locke & Faraday will continue to have their physical ailments, Prego (Claire) gives up her baby, Charlie remains an addict, Jin is still a bad person and Michael is alive. But there is some good: all the passengers will survive, Sayid will be reunited with Nadia and Indiana will live because they probably never find the island. Like Sawyer, I was voting for Jack NOT to blow the nuke. Tear.

Now my theory can totally be shot to hell because in someways it doesn’t make sense. IF the Losties never crash on the island then the nuke is probably never contained and it’s certainly never blown up near the hatch which means time can’t be reset!!! Ahh paradox!!! This is and endless loop and can’t be explained and is the best evidence that time will not reset. I wonder how the writers will respond. It’s also worth mentioning that just because the hatch doesn’t rip flight 815 in-half doesn’t mean the plane won’t have electrical problems and crash land on the island just like AA 316. In fact this is the most likely scenario.

With all the other topics going on, I’ve avoided Jacob & Nemesis. I doubt I am alone in thinking that Nemesis IS the black smoke and it can take on the appearance of any dead person on the island. Since it hates humans, black smoke seems to enjoy killing them after judging them (it judged Mr. Eko the same way it judged Other Ben). I also think Jacob & Nemesis are aliens who somehow got punished and are placed on the island which is serving as a prison. Nemesis blames Jacob for the imprisonment and that’s why he wants to kill him. Makes sense to me…

Finally, I need to talk about Juliet & Sawyer. I loved them as a couple and was heartbroken when she let go of Sawyer’s hand. You really felt Sawyer’s pain in that scene. Even before that scene I was pissed at Juliet for giving up on Sawyer just because he looked at Kate. Let it go!! Kate ain’t all that and you’re almost as hott and you’re way more together. Juliet, you disappointed me…

Next up on Finally Lost…I’ll recap season 5 and formally list my Season 6 predictions. I know many of you have been reluctant to comment on the blog for fear of dropping spoilers (thank you for this, and amazingly enough nothing was spoiled!) but I’d like to hear your thoughts and theories on the upcoming series. What’s going to happen??

OMG, this is great LOL

Entertainment Weekly’s current issues features the cast of The Big Bang Theory in various photo shoots for their different takes on pop culture in the last year.

Also, if you haven’t seen The Big Bang Theory, you should!  It’s hilarious!

Source.

The “Reality Distortion Field” (read: denial) around the state of our marriage is beginning to flicker. I’m coming to realize that denial is a powerful coping mechanism to help you get through the day-to-day. As such, in the day-to-day my wife and I pretend that we’re going to continue to live together in this house. I get the impression sometimes that she might even still believe that, at some level.

As a friend good of mine mentioned to me not too long ago: in the past, I haven’t really given my wife reason to believe that I am willing to leave. Of course, that’s because in the past, I wasn’t.

But now when we talk about it when the kids aren’t around (I find I can’t help but point it out, with increasing frequency), we both talk about separate households as our near-term destination. Even if somewhat reluctantly.

With each mention of this, I lament (if only a little) the falling away of denial. Then, denial rears its fishy head once again in the day-to-day conversations, proving how hard it is to sink, and I then have the mixed feelings that comes with it. Should we try to stay together? Am I being too hasty? (Um, yes… I hear one or two of you laughing out there. Cut that out.)

But even if Penny continues to talk during the day as if we still have a future together, I notice that she has dropped all pretense at volunteering any “I love yous.” She truly has become even less affectionate — as if that were even possible without becoming openly hostile. And yet… she has managed to not become openly hostile, and she has withdrawn even further into roommate territory. Next to go will be the perfunctory pecks hello and goodbye, which are the only signs of affection my children see between us, and which are really about as warm as a business handshake with your banker whom you’ve not previously met.

She may or may not attach the same significance to these acts that I do, but for all the talk about our future together, the fact that she grows even more business-like (or roommate like) tells me that she knows we’re done.

I think we may have to cling to a healthy dose of denial for us to all get through the Christmas season with the kids.

But I’m resolved to starting the “what our divorce is going to look like” negotiations no later than the first week of January.

I’d like for the divorce plan (for lack of a better term) mostly agreed upon by the end of March, and our separation to be mutually recognized by then — even if we are unable to afford two separate households by then.

And I want to do my best to make sure we absolutely can afford, and are living in, separate households no later than the end of June.

There. I said it.

I’m committed.

So many years ago, I had to change the wiring in my head in order to be the kind of guy who could really, truly commit to marriage. And mean it. It has taken me many, many years of rejection and other blows to my self-esteem to finally commit to a corrective course of action.

This doesn’t feel like victory. But it does feel… necessary. And about goddamn time.

Keep in mind that I loved Penny. I think I still do, although the nature of that love has changed. But I did truly love her, and I desired her, and she instead gave me a platonic love and didn’t desire me. Having been so thoroughly crushed when we broke up, and so intent upon becoming  a man who was Worthy, I continued for nine years to refuse to consider being anything less than a man who honors his commitments.

I was stuck in that place that I’m sure some of my readers will recognize: the situation was so harmful to me, I could not stay; the alternative seemed so harmful to me, I could not leave.

I tried many things to make the situation better. I’ll likely catalog some of them here in a future post. I did what was asked of me. And I died a little with each rejection. For a while, after our first son was born, I was content to focus my energies on making a better life for our child, and Penny and I got along even better in most (non-romantic) aspects of our lives… but the chasm between Penny and me continued to deepen.

By the time our second child was conceived, we were down to having sex only about once a year. Because we were working so well together as parents, I never considered abandoning our shared dream of having more children. (Read: on those extremely rare occasions when we did have sex, it was without contraception.) I think child #2 was conceived only the second time we’d had sex after child #1 was born.

At this point, we needed a bigger house, so once again, my mental energies were focused more on factors other than the quality of our marriage. I was working, we were having a house built to our specifications, we were preparing for the arrival of a new child, and all this while continuing to raise our toddler.

Two children, for those who haven’t experienced it, means more than twice the opportunities to have your sleep interrupted. I was already prone to insomnia, and Penny was already prone to sleeping through anything. If one child wasn’t going through a rough sleeping phase, the other one was. Or, I was, independently of them. I don’t think I’ve had two nights in a row of uninterrupted, eight-hours of sleep in over four and a half years.

That only added to my unhappiness. Penny and I only had sex twice since our second child was conceived, and sure enough, the second time… well, let’s just say I appear to be a pretty accurate shot. (And, for those of you keeping score, that was the last time we ever had sex. Child #3 was born in May of 2008. Feel free to do the math.)

[Some of my readers will naturally assume that Penny could well have taken another lover and that one or more of the children aren't mine. While she might have, I'm rather sensitive to the signs, given what happened during our break-up period, and no such signs have ever been present since then. And as for the boys, well... yes, I found out they're all my blood type (and not hers), their physical build is uncannily like my own, and, well... if you saw photos, you would have no doubts. Penny has lamented the fact that they take more after me than they take after her. For everybody's sake, I'm glad they take after me because it removes all doubt. They have my blond hair, not her brown, they have my eyes, not hers, etc. For these and other reasons, I'm satisfied that the kids are mine.]

Penny asked me to take over a number of child-rearing duties for our first two while she was pregnant with number three. I did everything she asked. And yet, as I found out later, she felt I was abandoning her during this pregnancy. The walls were definitely going up on both sides. By the time Child #3 was born, all of those “I died a little” episodes felt like they culminated in… the old me finally up and died. I’d lost myself. There was not going to be any joy ever again in this marriage.

Our ninth anniversary (child #3 was three months old at this point), I made the usual preparations and bought the traditional gifts. Penny did nothing. One month later, I told her that I was going to see a couples counsellor, and she could join me if she was so inclined.

This post was going to be about How I Started Getting Better, and I’ve spent seven hundred words telling you how they got worse. Here’s where things turned:

At about the same time as we started seeing a counselor, I also started talking more frequently with a good friend of mine who was both a sympathetic ear and an occasional (much needed) kick in the pants. He didn’t advocate divorce. He didn’t advocate staying together. He advocated me taking better care of myself.

And at the same time as all that, I started exercising again. There was (is) a martial arts studio where I had taken kickboxing classes many years ago, and I resumed those classes. Twice a week. It felt good to start moving my body again, and I eventually got to the point where I was keeping up with the rest of the class.

Now, kickboxing classes are really little more than aerobic exercises that include punching and kicking a bag. But, as I said, this was at a martial arts studio, and I began to consider resuming my taekwondo training.

I had trained in karate as a high schooler, then taekwondo in [City] after University. Then I moved to Seattle and found a new taekwondo studio that was a different style, and so began from the bottom again and earned my way back up to the rank I’d attained before. Then I moved back to [City]. Resumed training there for another couple belts. Then moved back to Seattle. Earned my way back up to the highest rank I’d gotten before. And then I… dropped it.

I felt guilty whenever I took time out to do “me stuff,” for fear that Penny would think me selfish. Little did I realize just how justified that fear was, and that she would see me as selfish, anyway. The point is: I stopped, and guilt was part of the reason why. Another part was that I just wasn’t comfortable at that particular studio. Later, I briefly tried kickboxing at yet another studio… and years later, ended up moving my business to a corporate park right across the street from that very same studio. And then resumed kickboxing.

Then, in December of 2008, I once more put on a white belt and began training in yet a third style of taekwon do.

Of course, my body responded. My libido started returning (um, for those who don’t know… if you gain weight and don’t exercise, that can curb your libido. When you are constantly sexually frustrated at home, that actually doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.) My weight slowly started to drop. My belt went from the outermost notch to the innermost notch; in fact, it’ll be time for me to buy a new belt pretty soon. (Go me.)

But this school, unlike my previous school, also has “mental requirements” for each rank. At the beginning of each class, there’s a few seconds of meditation to clear your mind of your daily worries so that you can focus on the class. I would take that time to review my mental requirements.

These mental requirements are good things to ponder. Sure, some of them are mundane (“listens when the instructor is talking”), while others were exactly the kinds of things I need to work on (“meets challenges head on”). One of the mental requirements is “Respect for yourself, your family, the school, and all its students.” Does this sound familiar to you, dear reader?

These mental calisthenics helped to get my mind in better shape while the class workouts helped my body. Add to those factors one more: a new set of friends. A new support structure that didn’t know me way back when; who accepted me as I am now, with no prior history to add any baggage. A group of like-minded souls who care for each other… and for me. That helps, dear reader, more than any words of mine can express.

In the year that has followed, Penny and I went through another counselor; I started seeing yet another one after that; my (our) business hit a brick wall and our finances took a sharp turn for the worse; and I’ve continued to talk not only with the previously mentioned good friend, but also started leaning on a couple of other good friends, as well. It’s all made a difference. It’s all been a part of my proverbial road to recovery.

But I think starting to exercise last fall, followed by taking up formal martial arts training last December has been crucial to me getting out of the inertia that had a death-grip on my life.

I’m by no means out of the proverbial woods, as this blog makes abundantly clear. But I’m definitely in a better head space than I was at this time last year. Starting to take care of myself physically was, I believe, the first step toward getting to that better head space.

Greta Alison (Lily)

Olive Audrey

Alex Chloe (Jack)

Bess (Ella)

Haidee Elaine & Alyssa Rose (Lucas)

Iris Vita (Harriet, Phoebe)

Vivien Rosemary (Lily)

Helena Antoinette

Lauren & Honor ( Lucia)

Olive Elizabeth (George)

Elsie-May Ellen (Bailey, Ephraim & Marita)

Polly Frances

Aurelia Grace (Isabelle)

Portia Alice

Neve Jennifer (Rylee, Fletcher)

Penny Mary (Hamish, Felicity)

Sacha Tui

Kahlan Lillias (Hayden)

Maggie Iris Rosa (Ruby)

Freyah Lily (Tahlia)

Sabrina Mary

Elsie Olivia (Joel)

Milla Juno (Bodie)

Maeve Ellen (Cormac)

Sidney (Lennox & Munro)

Hugo John

Jasper Stan (Jonty & Tilly)

George Banjo (Hugo)

Tahere Hunter

Albie Murphy

Jack & Keygan (Thomas)

Wilhelm David

Josiah James

Jag Archie

Edward Montgomery (Benji & Samuel)

Wilfred Otis (Theo)

Deaths

Rosanna Jane, Adeline Anne, Sally Elizabeth, Grace Muriel, Margaret Winifred, Ruby Evelyn, Sylvia Winifred, Adele Mary, Violet Hope, Hazel Margaret, Beatrice Mary, Helen Adeline,

Hector Leslie, George Basil, Quentin Phillip, Henry Percival, Leo Charles, Archibald Ralph, Sydney Benjamin.

Have you ever seen a penny “heads up” on the ground?  Doesn’t it just make your day to know that you were the one who found this simple superstition?  What if you could change 365 people’s lives in one year? And it would only cost you $3.65!

Here is the thought:

Everyday put a penny somewhere (it can be anywhere inhabited by many humans i.e. the mall, school, the store, or even in a parking lot) heads up.  When anyone picks this up, there day will be changed.  You don’t even have to put it somewhere random!  Just set it on someone’s porch, or in their driveway (unless they have no trespassing signs!).

I challenge you to  get 365 pennies from the bank, and spread one around everyday! This Penny A Day movement will begin January 1, 2010.   Along with the Penny A Day, I will be posting a Penny For Your Thoughts!  Email and comment on the cool places you have put a penny, and I may even feature it!

Only 12 days left until the movement begins, so get your pennies, and tell your friends!

Penny was beginning to smell like…a dog. Ya know that dog smell? Yes, that is what she was smelling like. I got the OK from her vet (North Wake Animal Hospital) to give her her first bath. I waited for Bryan to get home from his last exam just to have some extra hands in case she freaked out. Good thing I waited on him. She yelped and yelped once she started getting scrubbed. Bryan had to get in the tub with her to calm her down. As soon as he did she calmed down.

She still didn’t necessarily like the bath but having Bryan in there with her definitely helped.

Her fur looked like butter as she was getting scrubbed. It was too cute. As soon as we were done I wrapped a towel around her and cuddled with her. I sat on the bathroom floor with her to calm her down some and she IMMEDIATELY fell asleep. That also was too cute. It was like 0.5 seconds before she fell asleep. I think the trauma of the bath really got to her.

We told her it was too bad that she hated it so much because she was kind of bred to be a water dog…. : ) We will keep trying baths to get her used to water and hopefully they won’t always be so traumatic for her. But she was awfully cute wrapped up in that towel.

by Alana Janelle Mauger
Editor, Kismet Break

“Penny Collection (2009, self-released),” the fifth album from Philly rockers Clashing Plaid, is a solid effort steeped in old school rock n’ roll with enough punk influence to delight fans of both genres. The album features nine new tracks that range from the upbeat punk-inspired “Penny Collection,” “Saying I Love You,” and “She Love Fire,” to the darker side of rock with “Remote Control Betty,” to the solid rock anthems “Johnny” and “Loud Box,” to the emotional eulogy of “Long Walk Home.”

The album features lyrics inspired by everyday life (think Social Distortion meets Bad Religion) intricately woven with melodic guitar riffs and cutting beats (think Rolling Stones meets Kiss)—evidence that Clashing Plaid has honed its synergy on the music scene for more than a decade. The guys (Steve Ackerman on drums and vocals, Kenny Leso on bass and vocals, Anthony Porter on lead vocals and guitar, and Andy Watts on lead guitar) also boast a devoted following of fans at venues throughout Philadelphia, its suburbs, and beyond. The availability of “Penny Collection” on CD Baby and iTunes will no doubt garner the band a broader following.

Five previously released bonus tracks–“Waiting for the Wrecker” and “Pretty Things” (“Play It Loud,” 2006), “Stick Around,” “Emotional Wreck,” and “Ghost on Main Street” (“Mix and Match,” 2003)—round out the release. The only notably missing fan-favorite is “31 of Those Days” off of “Play It Loud;” however, the 2006 release is solid in its own right and is worth the purchase price. Also not to be missed is the band’s 1999 holiday single “All I Got for Christmas Was Drunk,” available via download at www.clashingplaid.com.

Editor’s note: This review was originally published on 11/15/2009 at http://imaginehope.wordpress.com.

Completed: 5-6 316, 5-7 The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham. Just 10 episodes left, & 46 days till the Lost Season 6 premier. As you know, I don’t know anything that is to come and like the survivors I am completely lost.

I’m getting ready to hit the panic button because I’m only 10 episodes away from joining you in Lost realtime and I don’t have nearly enough answers. I fear for the season 5 cliff hanger. First the recap: Jack, Other Ben, Desmond & Sun go to the secret Dharma station in the church with Mother Time (Eloise Hawking) and she explains to them how there are pockets of strange EM all over the world. Apparently people have been searching for magic island for a long time until someone figured out how to predict where the island would be next (the island is always moving which is one of the reasons the Losties were never found). Mother Time has calculated that they are now in a 70 hour window and Indian flight 316 is going to be flying through the area where the island will be. If the O6 can recreate as many of the 815 conditions as possible then the island might decide to bring them back. This apparently includes Jack putting Daddy Jack’s shoes on Locke’s dead feet. This news makes Desmond peace out but Other Ben, Jack and Sun decide to take the flight, along with Kate who decided at the last minute to ditch her adopted son, Aaron, for this adventure (plus banging Jack for good measure). When we get on the plane, Sayid (arrested) & Hurley are magically on board and Swoop (Frank) is coincidentally (not!) the pilot. After Jack reads Locke’s suicide note the plane begins to shake but the O6 are white flashed off the plane. Hurley, Jack & Kate are together at Sawyer & Kate’s love pool where they run into Jin. Then we get Locke’s story. Locke wakes up in Tunisia, the island’s exit point and home to where Other Ben jacked those locals up with his stick. The injured Locke is cared for by Mr. Widmore and is told there is a war coming and he has to get the O6 back on the island. Lt. Daniels (Matt) is assigned as his driver and one by one Locke fails to recruit the O6 for a encore viewing of magic island. While visiting Locke’s old gf’s grave (Helen) Lt. Daniels is shot and Locke via a car accident checks into Jack’s hospital. Locke tries to pull out all the stops on Jack and tells him that Daddy Jack is walking around on the island and says, “Hi”.  Once that fails Locke decides to kill himself but is rescued by Other Ben. And when I say rescued I really me he gets Mother Time’s name out of Locke and then strangles him and makes it look like a suicide!! Cut to Locke alive and well on the island (presumably on Other Island) and explains to some newbies that he’s been on the island before and was killed. Locke is then taken to Other Ben and we are LOST black-screened.

Other Ben might be the best liar in fiction. How cold was it that he saved Locke’s life only to kill him once he got his info. Other Ben also got to pick up the Jin story which he will eventually use to Ben-Whammy Sun to go back to the island. I’m also starting to think that he killed Nadia so Sayid could go back. While these episodes didn’t answer any questions, they did exposed how much Other Ben lies. Here are some:

• Once you turn the wheel you can never go back to the island.  FALSE!
• He told Sun he didn’t know why Jin wanted her to think she was dead. FALSER!!
• He told Jack he didn’t know Locke committed suicide and didn’t know he left Jack a suicide note. FALSEST!!!

Why is Other Ben lying so much? May be while growing up on the island manipulation-pursuit was the only game they had and old habits die hard. Why is Other Ben so obsessed with getting the O6 back on the island? If Locke fixed the wheel then the Losties on the island won’t be time jumping and they should be safe. Something that really doesn’t make sense is why did Other Ben have to move the island to hide it from Widmore if the island already moves on its own? I’m really afraid that the writers don’t have a plan and have painted themselves into corners and just made mistakes. Before I started watching this series I was told no one is safe and anyone can die but they just brought back 2 main characters and haven’t showed the ability to kill any of the mains. Can you tell I’m feeling frustrated

With all this Other Ben lying business I almost buried the lead! Penny’s in trouble huh ? Other Ben has the best lines…”Oh, I made a promise to an old friend of mine–just a loose end that needs tying”. Ahhh Desmond! He’s going to follow you to your boat to try to kill Penny! Cut to Other Ben on a pay phone (they still have those?) talking to Jack with lots of blood on his face. I’m not going to speculate, I’m not speculate…

Finally I feel like I’ve been asking too many questions lately and haven’t done enough predictions:

• I think Jack was white flashed to the island the first time around which is why he woke up in the jungle and not in the plane wreck
• Ghostbuster (Miles) is the son of our favorite orientation movie star/scientist. Shortly after we learn this for sure he will die
• Penny dies and Desmond desperately tries to return to the island to kill Other Ben. That was hard to write…

Next on Finally Lost…I get to watch this LaFleur episode everyone keeps raving about. Hopefully it’ll make me not as frustrated with the writers!!

p.s. Kate just ditch Aaron like it was nothing?? And Jack doesn’t care about his own half-nephew?? That’s a little cold…

How did that happen? How did Christmas get to be… a week away?

Things have been very busy at our business. Orders have been coming in, even if we’re not exactly flush, and then there’s trying to steer this ship to a potentially friendly harbor if at all possible, while trying to keep it from sinking. This takes a lot of time and mental effort. Most evenings are jammed with work and/or the oldest child’s extracurriculars and/or me going to work out. Somehow, through all of this, Penny has managed to do some Christmas shopping for the kids.

But… how did it get to be just one week away?

We are, as I’ve mentioned earlier, financially strapped. Broke. Family members have surprised me by sending along money for Christmas shopping. We know that money is to be used for the kids, and not for paying bills, etc. We’ve already told family that we are not going to be able to exchange gifts with our fellow adults this year. I’ve likewise suggested to Penny that we not worry about getting gifts for each other, for the same reason.

But unbeknownst to Penny, one of my relatives sent me money for Christmas gifts with the stipulation that the source remain anonymous and that some of the money go toward a gift for Penny. This favorite aunt of mine is one of the few I’ve made aware of our marital woes. I’m not sure if my aunt is trying to help me keep the marriage together; I don’t think I’ve told her just how problematic that would be. But her funding a gift for Penny from “Santa” would make sense even if she’s not trying to help us stay together; my aunt rightly considers my wife part of the family, and that’s as it should be.

But… what do I get for Penny? I have no idea what to get her. Seriously.

[Even as I typed that an idea popped into my head: a gift card for a store like Target -- both practical and, for the sake of the bank that holds our mortgage... discretely not tied to credit cards or other banking transactions. To the extent that we split up our living arrangements, we're both going to have to replace household items that end up in the other's apartment.]

[Wow, that sounds mercenary. And, yet....]

Penny is under a lot of stress with our current financial strife. She’s not eating well. She’s not sleeping well. And as the denial regarding our marital situation is starting to break down, I suspect the realization that we really are heading for divorce is also adding to her stress.

When she’s stressed, she has no real interest in her books (she is, otherwise, as much an avid reader as I.) Or music. Or other consumer/material goods. Chocolates are wasted on her. As are flowers.

The gift card idea seems very practical… but also a little lame.

And… should I get her something from me, even though I begged off on her getting me anything? (Truly, right now, there’s nothing I want or need from her.) If so, what?

This is likely to be our last Christmas together as a family. Yes, we’re broke, and yes, we’re stressed, and yes, we’re unhappy. But… I still don’t want to be a chump, you know? And for all that I’m unhappy in our marriage, I’d still like to find a way to cheer her up.

[And, no, I'm not going to leave all of the Christmas shopping for the boys up to her. I've got that covered. Kids are easy to shop for, however. Penny? Not so much.]

Only a few shopping days left until Christmas.

Help!

Coming Soon……………….

Completed: 5-4 The Little Prince, 5-5 This Place is Death. 12 episodes left, 47 days to go. As you know, I don’t know anything that is to come and like the survivors I am completely lost.

Jin is alive!! I feel like John Malkovich from Rounders…Check Check Check. While I rejoice over Jin’s survival I definitely question this show’s ability to kill main characters. Now let’s see if Locke pulls a Houdini. Before I sound too ungrateful for the resurrection of Jin let me recap: Locke decides that the only way to stop the white time flashes is to go back to the Orchid. On the way there the Losties discover a dragon boat with a water bottle from an Indian Airline. The Losties steal the boat to shortcut to the Orchid but are followed and shot at presumably by the unknown Indian Airline Survivors until a white flash saves them. Flash to 1989 where the French crew lands on the island and finds Jin clinging to a piece of the blown up freighter. Jin attempts to take the group to the radio tower but they are attacked by the black smoke which kills 2 of their crew and somehow infects everyone else but Frenchy because Jin stopped her from going down in the temple. Jin white flashes forward in time and sees Frenchy kill her husband before he white flashes again and runs into the Losties. The white flashes are increasing by the minute and all the Losties are in danger of death by nosebleed. Indiana (Charlotte) gets so sick she has to stay behind, however, before she dies she reveals to Mr. Wizard (Daniel) that she grew up on the island and has been trying to find it ever since she left. She also tells him that a man told her that she must leave the island and should never return again or else she would die. That man was Mr. Wizard (dun dun dun). Back at the Orchid, Jin tells Locke to tell Sun he is dead and gives him his wedding ring as proof. Locke goes down to the ice wheel and meets Daddy Jack who berates him for letting Other Ben turn the wheel but then tells him how to stabilize the wheel which will presumable stop the white flashes and get Locke off the island.

And speaking of off the island, cut to Sayid killing another assassin who happens to have Kate’s address in his pocket. Jack goes off to help Kate who is stalking the lawyer demanding she take a blood test to prove she is Aaron’s mom. They follow her to Prego’s (Claire) mom’s room but that ends up being a too good to believe coincidence. We then see the lawyer meet up with Other Ben telling him how he’s going to get Hurley off and eventually all of the O6 (minus jailbird Hurley) meet up when it is revealed that Sun was following Other Ben with Aaron in tow. Sun is about to kill Other Ben when he tells her Jin is alive and everyone must go back to the island. This makes Sayid, Kate & Aaron bail but Other Ben convinces Sun and Jack to follow him somewhere for more Jin details. Cut to the church of the shady time lady and Desmond shows up because shady time lady is really Mr. Wizard’s mom and the women who told Dezmond who told him he can’t change time (dun dun dun 2). We are then cliff-hung when shady time lady says, “Well 4 ain’t a bad start.”

I like how the show has stopped using single character-centric flashbacks and flash forwards to progress the story. The technique of using the white flash to show what happened to the French team was a very cool no-flashback way of filling us in on events we have been wondering about since season 1. We got a partial answer as to why the whole French team, except Frenchy (Danielle), was infected by the mysterious illness but none of the Losties nor the Others were. I don’t know if the temple or the black smoke is the cause of the sickness but if it turns out to be the black smoke I might have to reinvestigate Mr. Eko sanity because of the time the black smoke completely enveloped him and let him go. Hopefully we’ll also learn why that happened and why later the black smoke decided to do take-backs and kill him instead.

We also got answers as to why the Losties were white flashing all over the place. It’s very unlike Other Ben to do a shoddy job but he really messed up by leaving the ice wheel off its axis. Someone clearly needs to re-watch the moving the island Dharma orientation video. I also love how Daddy Jack tells Locke to say hi to his son but doesn’t tell Locke who his son is. Hopefully Locke will figure it out and some of these connections will FINALLY be known. On that note has Kate figured out that Sawyer’s baby’s mama is her old pal yet? I hope so. Now on the topic of white flashes, Mr. Wizard says the white flash should affect people who have had the most island exposure first, which reveals that Indiana and the Ghostbuster (Miles) have been on the island before. Indiana tells us a little about her past and I’m still wondering if she’s that girl who once befriended Other Ben. Either way I imagine her mom or dad will turn out to be someone we know. You also gotta believe that the Ghostbuster got his talent while hanging out on everyone’s favorite dead-people-walking-around island

Now onto the subject of Jin and time travel. Jin, I missed you and welcome back! I would love to re-watch the earlier episodes to see if Frenchy and Jin have any scenes together. Continuing with Jin, it was very noble of him to try and convince Sun, via Locke, to not come back to the island. Unfortunately for Jin, he doesn’t realize that 3 years have passed for Sun and she’s no longer pregnant. If Sun does go back to the island, is she going to have to leave Ji Yeon? That’s pretty harsh considering Other Ben says they are going back for good. And just how will the O6 get back to the island? And do Desmond and Swoop (Frank) have to go back too? Is the new Indian Plane wreckage collateral damage from the O6’s return? I any case I think we saw our Losties white flash into the future. Now that the ice wheel is fixed I wonder if the Losties will flash-catchup to the rest of the world or if they will get have to live out those 3 years and we’ll just get 3 years worth of flashback story. Another option is that no time will pass for the Losties and they’ll just have to deal with the fact that 3 years have passed for the O6 (this is what I think will happen).

Finally, how many times can Other Ben lie in a series?? He told Locke that the dire consequence for the person who turns the ice wheel can’t go back to the island but clearly he and Locke’s dead body have every intention on going back. I also can’t believe that Desmond is just going to leave Penny and Charlie. Dez, don’t let Penny near Other Ben! Arg…

Next on Finally Lost…let’s find out what shady time lady is all about…

p.s. I know I haven’t talked about her much but the Ice Princess (Juliet) has really grown on me and redeemed herself. It’s a shame that both men she is attracted to love Kate.

This is a photograph of Matthew Fordyce Smart. He was born in 1879, so we can presume that the photo was taken in the late 1880s or early 1890s.

Matthew Smart was the uncle of our eighty six year old neighbour, Mrs Monica Malone. She says that she thinks he was about sixteen at the time the photograph was taken. I think he looks younger.

What amazes me was that apparently, this was his bike. It looks like a much bigger wheel than my 49″ penny – possibly as much as a 54″. He doesn’t look nearly big enough for it! Also, I shudder to think how much a penny farthing might have cost in the 1880s – probably far more than the average working man could ever hope to afford.

It’s a great picture and I thought it deserved to be published somewhere. If only to just tell the tale that our neighbour had seen me riding my penny and wanted to show me the photo of her uncle with his. Pennies are great for meeting new people!

I’m no expert – can anyone recognise anything of interest about this bike? I know that Mrs Malone would be fascinated by any facts about her uncle or his bike that we could uncover because she’s really into genealogy and would love any snippets of information about her family.

Being “Wrong”

December 17th, 2009

In an interview with GQ this week (where they were joined by J.J. Abrams and the rest of the Bad Robot crew), Lost co-executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse spoke candidly about their anxieties going into Lost’s sixth and final season (if not so candidly about what that season will involve, as per their spoiler policy leading into the much-anticipated swan song for the series). And in the span of that conversation, Lindelof shared their concern regarding what message viewers will take from the upcoming season:

“But in a lot of ways, the storytelling this year is just us telling people that they were wrong. They’ve built up theories for five years. When a show like this gets to a certain point and then it’s “Oh, man, we were cancelled,” people get to bring their theories with them to the grave. With us, it’s basically like, “No—you’re wrong.” And some people may have been right. Who knows?”

Questions, after all, beg answers, and only those of us with extraordinary will power have managed to avoid hatching an elaborate theory (or two, or twelve) about the island or guessing at where certain characters will end up by series’ end. But what happens when the show has built up five seasons worth of fan-generated answers, only to systematically disprove 99.9% of them over the course of the sixth season? Their job has, as a result, expanded to not only providing answers that satisfy plot or character, but also answers which are so satisfying that they also convince the audience that being “wrong” is not something to be ashamed of.

Because people don’t like being wrong, as a general rule, and they can often respond negatively (likely with “No, you’re wrong!”) when a show seems to be dead set on devaluing their theory, or ignoring a relationship they “ship,” or eliminating a contestant they cheer for. And reading that GQ interview, and witnessing the a Big Bang Theory fan community over the past months, and finding myself responding to tonight’s So You Think You Can Dance finale as if it were “wrong,” I’ve realized that we shouldn’t vilify being wrong; in fact, it’s probably one of the most powerful emotional connections we have to television.

[Spoilers for the So You Think You Can Dance Season 6 finale, and extended ruminations on the question of "wrong," after the break]

Reality television is built to breed subjectivity, to convince the audience to begin rooting for a favourite contestant. Of course, for those shows which are entirely pre-recorded like Survivor or The Amazing Race or Top Chef or Project Runway, the audience has no control over the outcome; as a result, there’s a certain distance (not a complete one, mind you) we have from the results, building attachments to certain contestants but also realizing that it is entirely out of our hands. For these reality shows to seem “wrong,” there needs to be something like a cruel fate befalling a team/individual (like Zev and Justin losing a passport and being eliminated on this season’s The Amazing Race) or the game becoming unfair (like this season’s Project Runway with its revolving panel of judges, which robbed the show of the consistency required to make objective decisions). Something needs to go “wrong” which goes beyond our favourite having a bad week, or our favourite losing in a close battle to the end.

But on shows which are live, and shows in which we are encouraged to actively participate by voting for our favourite contestants, the increased democracy increases the propensity to believe a decision is “wrong.” So You Think You Can Dance loves touting its champions as “America’s Favourite Dancer” (okay, they’d say favorite, but I’m Canadian damnit), a title which means absolutely nothing but sounds very democratic and very patriotic. I want us to separate the two qualifiers in the title, as they have contradictive effects on the audience’s perception of the eventual winner of the contest.

Obviously, “America’s” reminds us that other countries have their own versions of this competition, reminding us Canadians (and other potential international viewers) that we’re disenfranchised in this instance. It also, however, reminds the audience that they, and not the judges, collectively pick the winner of the competition. But, every now and then, host Cat Deeley will look directly into the camera and tell us that we’re going to find out “your” favourite dancer. And at that point we, the audience, become America; although in reality our vote is only one of eight million, the reason we should be voting is because we are going to “own” that dancer when the contest is over. And we don’t think about the other six million people watching when Cat looks into our eyes and speaks with her sultry British accent: we are thinking about ourselves, and how our vote is the only one that matters.

And yet, “Favourite” is a more purposeful qualifier, an out for the producers should a dancer who is clearly not the most talented (like, in fact, Season 6 winner Russell) win the competition. It exists because people often vote for who is the most attractive, or the most charming, or the most heartwarming, or the most hilarious, or the most elegant, or the most quirky, or the most emotional. So for those of us who felt that Jakob, perhaps the best technical dancer the show has ever seen, deserved the $250,000 cash prize that goes with this silly title, the show already has its answer built into Russell’s victory: who, after all, can argue with the democratic might of America choosing based on whatever criteria they feel fit to utilize?

I knew all of this ahead of time, of course, but yet for some reason all of the results felt “wrong.” Not just Russell’s victory, either, although it was perhaps the most blatant (and not helped by Russell’s over the top celebration in which the magic of adrenaline eliminated the injury that moved him to tears not sixty minutes earlier); eliminated contestants like Kathryn and Ellenore felt equally “wrong” in leaving when they did, even if I thought Jakob deserved the win in the end. And I quickly realized that it felt “wrong” because something has been off all season (as I’ve written about on two separate occasions, in fact), and it finally reached its climax here in the finale.

It felt wrong because America didn’t have all of the information they should have had. A truncated schedule meant dancers performed less and had less weeks of “voting” in which fans could exercise their democratic rights, and that instead of four dancers making their way to the finals a full six competed for votes. Not only does this increase the amount of people who were “wrong” (as there are two more losers than in previous seasons), but it also meant that contestants who might have built more of a fan following with more time (Kathryn), or might have revealed more of their limitations (with all due respect, Russell) or had more time to connect with audiences (Ellanore) or had more time to separate themselves from the pack (Jakob), were not given that chance. It creates a scenario where not only do we have the usual disappointment over “our” choice losing, but also the sense that the show’s carefully groomed democracy was in some way tainted.

Now, obviously, the recourse here is non-existent: you can’t overturn the results, and in many ways people who felt as if they were “wronged” have only themselves to blame if they didn’t vote for their favourite (I have an excuse in that I couldn’t vte at all). But when people make powerful emotional connections to a show like this, they can’t help but be disappointed, and because each season introduces a whole new set of characters it’s not as if they’re given time to accept their disappointment: next season, unless they happen to pick the winner from the beginning, they are going to be deemed “wrong” all over again, and the most you can do is accept it – which, as we’ve discussed, isn’t easy.

This might not seem encouraging for Lost, considering that the show has a lot of rabid fans who have invested years of their life to the show and have an emotional connection with the characters that go far beyond what anyone felt for Jakob or Russell. But what’s interesting in television is that being wrong isn’t always something that is seen as fundamentally negative. Sure, it’s hard to overlook the disappointment when your favourite contestant loses on a reality show, but that you became so emotionally attached in the first place is the power of television.

And for a fan community like the Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon/Penny shippers, who even in their moniker (Paradox) acknowledge how bizarre such a relationship would seem considering the series’ status quo, that emotional attachment exists beyond concepts of right and wrong. Because the producers have been very clear that such a relationship will never happen, and that the chances of Sheldon ever finding love at all are miniscule, those who choose to “ship” this couple are always going to be wrong*. And yet, they’re fine with that: while there are some who still hold out hope, there are others who accept that it will never happen (and that many fans and critics, myself included if I’m being honest, don’t think it should happen) and yet choose to do root for them anyway because it is how they emotionally connect (in online discussions, in fan fiction, etc.) with the series.

So as Lost enters its final season, we have to ask whether or not being “right” has ever been a concern for the fans, or more accurately whether or not solving the show’s mysteries has served as an emotional connection about which being right is important to viewers. And for me personally, that couldn’t be further from the truth: the show is built on its characters, and my connection is with Jack and Kate (okay, not so much Jack and Kate) as opposed to Smokey and the (Polar) Bear. In the great roundtable discussion with critics Maureen Ryan, Alan Sepinwall and James Poniewozik, they discuss the end of the Lost and emphasize that it’s not mathematical (there’s going to be no QED) and that getting answers (in their minds) should be secondary to the characters reaching satisfactory ends (I particularly agree with Alan on this point, in that the fate of Desmond, Penny and young Charlie is my greatest concern as well).

Yes, Lost suddenly shifting into a show that provides answers is running into a brick wall of audience expectation wherein some of them will be proven wrong about what the smoke monster is, or what the four-toed statue represents, or some other crackpot element of the island. However, most viewers have emotionally connected with the show in ways which go beyond being “right” (I don’t know many just dying for an “a-ha!” moment), and one would hope that those who do end up being “wrong” will recognize that their emotional response to being disproven is one that reflects the show’s craft (drawing them so far into the show’s mystery) as opposed to any sense of disrespect or failure on the part of the writers (which is problematically common, but more often than not blown way out of proportion).

Of course, in the end it could come down to the fact that people truly don’t like being wrong, so one hopes (and, considering their track record, expects) that Lindelof and Cuse will deliver answers that make wrong the new right for even the skeptics.

Cultural Observations

• Ryan and Ashleigh got a deserved early exit from the finale, but they perhaps got the biggest boost from the finale: getting to do a dance they choreographed themselves on a national stage is basically an informal audition for Dancing with the Stars, where the pair could end up in the future (presuming that show doesn’t die soon, which we both know is just wishful thinking).
• Linda Holmes at NPR also had a nice piece on Lost, considering it as the most important show of the decade, today, so it’s been a great couple of days for Lost-centric pieces.

We recently had criticized The Big Bang Theory for it’s slow start with Season 3.  But with recent episodes, especially Episode 11:  “The Maternal Congruence”, there have been many laugh-out-loud moments.  Leonard Hofstadter’s mother, Dr. Beverly Hofstadter (played by Christine Baranski, formerly in The Good Wife), is hilarious.  Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons) has been at his best too in recent episodes and does not disappoint in “The Maternal Congruence.”  How this guy didn’t win the Emmy is beyond comprehension.

Our opinion is that sexual humor and being-drunk humor is way overused in TV and movies, but The Big Bang Theory does it differently.  It’s their character’s crazy personalities and awkward social interactions that makes the show stand out from other sitcoms.  Guest stars like Christine Baranski work very well with actors Jim Parsons (Sheldon) and Johnny Galecki (Leonard) and actress Kaley Cuoco (Penny). 

It should also be noted that Howard Wolowitz’s (actor Simon Helberg) open-mic piano/keyboard performance in “The Vengeance Formulation” (episode 9) at the Cheesecake Factory was incredible!  It appears he was actually playing the song for real, not faking it.  As Sheldon would say:  well played, Howard… well played.  A clip is included below.

Our only continued annoyance with season 3 is the same thing we hated about seasons 1 & 2:  why aren’t their full episodes online?  Come on, CBS!

So, what do you think?  Has season 3 regained its brillance from seasons 1 & 2?  Sound off in the comments below.

Completed: 5-1 Because You Left, 5-2 The Lie, 5-3, Jughead. 14 episodes left, 48 days to go. As you know, I don’t know anything that is to come and like the survivors I am completely lost.

Welcome back Lost! After 3 episodes of the new season I got more answers then I have questions which is a first. Let’s start with the recap: The season starts with our favorite Dharma asian orientation star being pulled away from filming to look at the frozen wheel in the Orchid station. On the way there we are intrigued because he passes Mr. Wizard (Daniel the physicist…Sawyer gave him this great nickname and I’m sticking to it). Next we see the Losties on the beach and they are miffed why their camp disappeared after the white flash of light appeared. According to Mr. Wizard (who stayed with the island because his boat was in the radius..check!) the Losties on the island are moving back and forth through time every time the white light shows up and they don’t know when it will show up next or when it will stop. Fearing he will need a constant, Mr. Wizard knocks on the hatch where Desmond is still a resident of (they flashed to 2001ish) and tells him to find his mother at Oxford and then flashes to the 1950s with the rest of the Losties. Once in the 1950s the Losties are attacked by Dharma folks who mistaken them for The Others and then attacked by The Others who mistaken them for Dharma folks. Sawyer and the Ice Princess (Juliet) try to escape but are captured by The Others. Locke shows up and rescues them but not before he got shot by Ethan in 2001ish and not before receiving medical attention, a compass and advice (you must bring the O6 back to the island by being dead) from Peter Pan (Richard) in present. As part of the rescue effort Locke captures 2 of The Others, one of whom turns out to be Charles Widmore. Widmore kills his partner before he can give Locke any info, but Locke lets Widmore go so he can follow him back to Peter Pan and The Others. Locke then goes to Peter Pan and gives him the compass that present-day Peter Pan gave him to prove his time travel story. Unfortunately, before Locke can find out how to get off the island from Pan, he white flashes off to another time. During the same time in the 50s, Mr. Wizard, who was also captured by The Others, was using his physicist skills to show The Others how to stop a leaking Hydrogen Bomb that the American’s were trying to detonate on the island. He tells The Others that burying the bomb will work because in 50 years the island is still standing and then he white flashes with Locke and the rest of the Losties.

Off the island we watch the O6 decide to lie about their entire experience to the world despite Hurley’s concerns. Flash to the future and Other Ben explains to Jack, in front of Locke’s coffin, that they must get all of the O6 back on the island as soon as possible. Jack laments at how hard that will be but Other Ben tells him to suck it up, makes him shave his ugly beard and flushes his pills down the toilet. Meanwhile Sayid kills one of Widmore’s guards at the Santa Rosa Mental Home and tells Hurley he is being watch and needs to go to a safe place. After checkmating Mr. Eko in their game of chess, Hurley and Sayid go to the not-so-safe house where Sayid increases his body count but takes a knockout dart in the neck. After a visit with his Dad, Hurley calls Jack so he can fix up Sayid but Hurley stays at his house where Other Ben shows up to recruit him. Instead of following Other Ben, Hurley gives himself up to the police outside his house who think he is responsible for Sayid’s kill count. Cut to Kate being visited by lawyers who want her to take a DNA test to prove she’s related to Aaron. Cut to Desmond who wakes up with a new memory of Mr. Wizard telling him to find his mother. Desmond tries to find Mr Wizard’s mom but only finds some cracked-out patient Mr. Wizard screwed up and whose bills are being paid for by…Mr. Widmore! Dez goes to Widmore to get Mama Mr. Wizard’s address but coldly doesn’t answer one question to a concerned dad who hasn’t heard from his daughter in 3 years (nor has he met his grandchild Charlie!) Cut to Other Ben talking to the lady from to some lady in a church. After doing some crazy equations Shady Time Lady informs Other Ben that they have 70 hours to get all of the O6 back to the island or it will be the end of the world…dun dun dun.

First the things that make sense. We know why Peter Pan was at Locke’s birth and why he asked him which objects were already his! This means Pan knew all about Locke since the 50s so who knows how that affected his decisions since. It also looks like I was right about Widmore being on the island before. I still think I’m right that the island was moved to hide it from him which is why he had such a hard time finding it again. I wonder who turned the ice wheel of banishment last time? Penny & Desmond got to live happily ever after for 3 years and have a son named Charlie. Would she be named after Charles Widmore who kept them apart, or the Charlie Pace that brought them together? I’ll go with Pace. And finally I totally agree with Hurley, lying made no sense!! How are you protecting the Losties from Mr. Widmore when he already knows the truth?? Stupid Jack.

Now the things I don’t understand. Why are only the Losties moving through time? Why isn’t everyone that was on the island at the time of the white light quantum leaping?? Mr. Wizard says you can’t change time but didn’t he change time when he talked to Desmond? Isn’t that why Dez woke up with that new memory? Jack asked Other Ben if Locke was really dead, might he be alive? Maybe Locke took something that makes it seem like you’re dead, but he’ll eventually wake back up (why do I keep trying to find back doors for all the dead main characters?) What is Sun’s end goal? Is it just revenge on Jack and Other Ben? It might be hard to convince her to go back to the island if she’s just after revenge. Why does Hurley keep seeing dead magic islanders? The scene where he was playing chess with Mr. Eko was classic! And finally…if the O6 do get back to the island it might be weird that 3 years has passed for them but only a few days/weeks have passed for the left behind Losties. And speaking of the left behind Losties, between the Robin Hood Fire Arrows and the ambush at the creek, are there any Losties still alive?? Not a good start to Sawyer’s term as leader of the Losties…

Next up on Finally Lost…If there is one man who can get the O6 to magic island in 70 hours, it’s Other Ben…

p.s. Is it just me or are there way too many things going on? That was a record long recap! I know some people like the recaps because it helps them remember things but are they getting too long?