I’m beginning to think I’m a regular, boring person after all. I have this strong urge to write and it’s not that words and ideas aren’t coming to me, it’s that they’re all so boring that I myself have no attention span for any of it.

Oh wait, aren’t all blogs, especially sonny blogs, full of boring crap?

I was thinking the other day that I go through these spurts where I have SO MUCH to write about and get out and process and analyze and seek advice on, and then it’s like I burn out and just have no interest in writing. Life marches on and it seems that I’m caught in this thing where I’m too busy living to stop and think, much less write, about any of it all. Or when I feel like taking a moment to put it all in writing, it’s too much of a blur to capture it all in any meaningful way.

But hell, I’m here.
Mainly my little nephew, it’s the words that amaze me. He’s doing that thing where he repeats everything you tell him, testing new words out, repeating them over and over until he’s comfortable with them. There is a questioning tone in his voice when he first tries a word out, but as he grows more accustomed to the word, it becomes less questioning and more imperative.

He has an impressive level of enthusiasm over his new words, most of which he shouts out, his excitement so acute sometimes that his voice is squeaky, high-pitched, the words almost choked out of his tooth-less mouth.

And there is, too, the repetitiveness of the words. As he learns a new word or phrase, he asks me, over and over again, about.

 
And I love it. I love every syllable, every lisp, every shriek, every discovery. This uncle hood thing keeps opening my eyes in new ways. So that even the boring is ultimately wonderful to me. He has grown a little cranky these days because his grandma not keeping well and thus the everyday change is difficult to adapt.

So comes today, I am home alone dreadfully waiting for the sun to show so I could be with mom during her surgery. The night is boring and I wish I could be with mom before the surgery commences. I know all will be fine and she’ll be hope walking on her own feet. These everyday changes have thrown me, down in the dumps. A peaceful quiet home changed into a hall with hundreds of guest, this is driving me crazy. I hope this phase progresses fast. I can hear swishes everyday that I am not responsible and a heavy burden on mom and dad, thus people are just feeding me with grass, I shall attack soon… Good Luck Sweet Hearts J

The defining sports game of this decade occurred at University of Phoenix Stadium on February 3, 2008. That night, in a game that moved about as quickly as the clock in Tecmo Super Bowl, the New York Giants upset the unbeaten New England Patriots, 17-14, to win Super Bowl XLII.

It is debatable whether Super Bowl XLII is the single best game across sports in the Aughts; however, it is almost certainly the game that crystallizes the two competing movements in sports this decade: the quest for historical transcendence and the ascension of the postseason underdog.

Sports are too broad and diverse a subject to write a coherent essay that addresses what happened in the Aughts. Too much happened to be melded into a sustainable theme or argument. And although for many the story of the Aughts is what occurred off the field—be it scandals surrounding performance-enhancing drugs, referees, or personal conduct—to me, the defining narrative of sports in the Aughts is of those two competitors in Super Bowl XLII: the unbeaten Patriots and the pedestrian Giants.

Prior to the Aughts, perfection in sports was a vestige of a prior era—the remnants of Wooden in Westwood or the early days of the merged NFL. It is not as if the ‘80s and ‘90s lacked historically transcendent teams; it is that, in the Aughts, dalliances with said transcendence became an almost annual conversation.

The Aughts provided us with the first 16-0 and 0-16 regular seasons in NFL history—in back to back years no less. Four teams in the past five years have started an NFL season 13-0; that had happened twice in the first 39 years of the Super Bowl Era. The three longest regular-season winning streaks and two longest single-season losing streaks have all occurred in the Aughts.

College basketball saw four teams flirt with perfection deep into February and even into March, with Saint Joseph’s becoming one of two teams in the last 30 seasons to complete an undefeated regular season in 2004. Twice this decade, a team entered the national championship with a record number of wins against only one loss.

That's right: This is the greatest regular-season team in American League history.

In Major League Baseball, the Aughts witnessed the greatest regular season in American League history when the 2001 Seattle Mariners won 116 games. They could have had 117 and the all-time mark, too, if they hadn’t blown a 12-run lead in an August game with the Indians—the biggest comeback in baseball history.

The NBA gave us five teams with 65 or more regular-season victories—four in the last three seasons. Prior to 2000, only nine teams had reached that mark since the 82-game schedule was established in 1967-68.

In college football, we witnessed not one, but two different programs reel off 34-game winning streaks—the longest in the sport since the early 1970s.

In individual sports, we saw the most dominant stretches ever by a golfer and a men’s tennis player, the most decorated athlete in Olympic history, and an inconceivably fast sprinter.*

*If you’re looking for any mention of Jimmie Johnson and NASCAR, well, look elsewhere, in a post that isn’t labeled “Sports.”

But while the Aughts were home to some of the greatest regular-season teams of all time, they also had a tendency to undercut those teams come playoff time. The first two teams to start an NFL season 13-0 this decade did not win the Super Bowl; the third and fourth will try to do so in February 2010. None of the college basketball teams that flirted with perfection won the national championship; two didn’t even make the Final Four. The 116-win Mariners unceremoniously bowed out in the ALCS in five games to the Yankees. Two of the five 65-win NBA teams (the ’07 Mavs and ’09 Cavs) didn’t make the Finals, losing to inferior teams—in stunningly short series, no less. And those 34-game college football winning streaks each ended in championship game upsets.

Postseason upsets became the rule rather than the exception in the Aughts. Only one team seeded No. 1 in either conference (the 2003 Patriots) has won the Super Bowl this decade; meanwhile, teams have won three playoff road games en route to a Super Bowl title twice.

And a team that won 33 fewer games than the Mariners won the title five years later.

Eight of the 20 pennant winners in Major League Baseball this decade didn’t even win their own division; three of those won the World Series. And that doesn’t include the 83-win Cardinals who won it all in 2006.

The NBA witnessed more 50-win NBA champions than 60-win ones, and only twice did the team with the outright best record claim the Finals. And this again doesn’t mention the 2006 champion Heat, whose 52 wins are the second-lowest ever by an NBA champion since the late-70s.*

*When a lot of champions were pretty mediocre.

And even college football—a sport seemingly immune to giving us bad champions (if also immune to legitimate ones)—saw its share of mediocre title-winners, including 2002 Ohio State, 2003 LSU, and the two-loss LSU squad from 2007.

Ironically, the only sport that didn’t give us a fluke champion this decade was college basketball,* and even that saw the biggest underdog to ever make the Final Four during the Aughts (in a year where, for the first time, no top seeds made the sport’s final weekend).

*It’s debatable whether 2005-06 Florida is a fluke champion; whenever I’m tempted to say they are, I have to remember they won it again the next season.

This is all the backdrop to that epochal Super Bowl in Glendale, Ariz., which pitted the single most dominant regular-season team in sports history against one of the most unimpressive conference champions ever.

The 2007 Patriots will almost certainly be the most remembered team of the Aughts.* Several teams had tossed around the idea of perfection in the NFL since the ’72 Dolphins—most notably the ’85 Bears, ’98 Broncos, and ’05 Colts. The rhetoric that surrounded those teams’ runs to 19-0, however, was laced with the idea that it simply could not be done: We didn’t know who they would lose to, but we knew they would lose. Teams did not go undefeated, not anymore.

*Even if the Colts finish this season 19-0, it will seem somehow derivative of the 2007 Patriots.

The 19-0 talk started pretty early that season.

But the 2007 Patriots defied that that notion even before they finished the regular season 16-0. They won games by ridiculous Pop Warner scores like 52-7 and 56-10; they embodied the philosophy from the rival Hawks in The Mighty Ducks: “It’s not worth winning if you don’t win big!” Their Pythagorean seemed like it should be 20-(-1). By the time they beat the nemesis Colts in Week 9, it was difficult to conceive of a fellow NFL team that could beat the Patriots, let alone would. They were on the cover of Sports Illustrated five times that season with headlines such as “Scary,” “Tom Brady As God,” and “Perfect Season’s Greetings.” New England had its share of close calls down the stretch, including a trio of three-point victories on national television in the season’s final six weeks. But when the Patriots walked off the turf at Giants Stadium on December 28, 2007, after overcoming their largest deficit of the season in a 38-35 win, it was hard not to label them the greatest team in NFL history—one that was bound to finish 19-0.

The Patriots, then, became the paradigm for this historical transcendence-as-telos movement of the Aughts; indeed, New England was the first team I can remember for whom winning the Super Bowl did not seem a satisfactory goal. They rewrote the possibilities and expanded the limits for what a team could accomplish. In a decade full of transcendent teams, the Patriots were above all of them–and it wasn’t even close.

The Giants, on the other hand, represent the Aughts’ other major movement: the fluke champion that hit its stride at the perfect time. New York came into the season with low expectations following a disappointing close to an 8-8 2006 season and the retirement of Tiki Barber. With the help of a soft schedule, the Giants rebounded from an 0-2 start to win six straight games, eventually clinching a playoff berth with a Week 16 win in Buffalo. Even for a Wild Card team, though, the Giants were particularly unimpressive. Only one of their 10 wins came against a playoff team, and they routinely beat bad teams by thin margins. They had lost three games to the top two seeds in the NFC by the combined score of 111-68.

The Eli Manning we were used to.

They were a team that had deservedly merited little national attention or even local excitement. After a road win over an equally unimpressive Tampa Bay team in the first round of the playoffs, the Giants proceeded to stun the Cowboys and Packers on the road to reach the Super Bowl. Even then, they were branded one of the worst teams to ever reach the title game, boasting even fewer credentials than the 2000 team that was blown out by the Baltimore Ravens.* They weren’t even a good Cinderella story, being a big-market team that was coming off back-to-back playoff seasons with a quarterback that had more or less swindled his way to the Big Apple on Draft Day.

*Time, of course, has not been kind to that Giants team, which actually entered the game as the favorite.

New York, then, was vaguely reminiscent of Major Major from Catch-22: “Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.” The Giants were impressive only in how unimpressive they had been, even in reaching the Super Bowl. Their proudest moment that regular season, after all, was a loss.

But New York was both a team playing over its head and uniquely built to compete with the Patriots: Its defense, led by a relentless front four that could get to the quarterback without added blitzers while its offense, with a two-headed running back attack (which the Giants started to use in Week 16) and a suddenly reliable quarterback could control the clock and consistently convert third downs.

The Giants played to those strengths all game while the Patriots seemed to buckle under the pressure of history, playing more conservatively than they had all season. New York took advantage with one miraculous play and a last-minute touchdown to pull off the 17-14 shocker.

It was an upset for the ages, but also one of the age. It was the everyteam—one that had not been considered a legitimate Super Bowl contender until it actually reached the Super Bowl, if even then—surpassing and, in the process, undercutting perfection.

It was the story of the Aughts, symbolically played out on a winter night in Arizona.

The decade is quickly ending, and thus starts a new one.

Here goes, my 24 items for change next year/quarter. PS: I realize that people don’t ever carry through their resolutions, but I’m going to provide a list of ends (goals), and means (methods) by which to achieve them. Furthermore, I will print out a contract for myself and sign it, and laminate it and post it on my door to remind myself everyday of what I’m trying to achieve in my life. Gulps. Furthermore, in making resolutions one should realize the distinction between daily resolutions, weekly resolutions, monthly resolutions, and yearly resolutions. These should all be worked on. HERE GOES:

1. Ends: Achieve independence. This means, solely by myself, I can be happy on my own, and independent enough to pursue my own goals, socialize with strangers, interact with others, and free to do my own thing. Don’t CLING to anyone in particular (and this mostly means don’t cling or get attached to get girls). Rely on solely myself for happiness and not for anyone else to provide it to me.

Means: Do things on my own. Pursue new hobbies, meet new people, and get away from the norm.

2. Ends: Healthier lifestyle. Start getting fit. Exercise.

Means: Go to RIMAC. Run in the mornings. Stick to the schedule I put in place. Less snacks. No to alcohol indefinitely.

3. Get organized.

Means: Stick to my schedule (not too strictly), Keep my room clean. Keep my homework organized. Make sure I have time for everything – a balanced life of fun, socialization, schoolwork, etc. Blog every Friday on a regular basis (maybe 2 next quarter).

4. Ends: Be more generous.

Means: Community Service, give advice, give smiles, be friendlier to people, always find a way to try to help other people

5. Means: Accept things that you can’t change in life. (Rejection, etc.)

Ends: Accepting failure, and rejection will make my life much better, because it means I can move on from that point further.  By just getting on with life instead of dwelling in the past or what just happens, you can thus move forward.

6. Ends: Optimism.

Means: Don’t dwell in depressive states. Keep busy so I don’t have to think about anything sad or overburdening.

7. Ends: Learn a new language.

Means: Slowly, but surely learn a new language. Haven’t chosen one yet, but maybe it’ll be learn more Vietnamese, French, Old English, or even Sign Language

8. Ends: Break the Chain.

Means: Do something unordinary. Don’t stick the schedule every week. It would broaden my experience of life, and open my doors to the future. Essentially means, TRY NEW THINGS in life!

9. Ends: Forget Goals and Live for the Now

Means: Thus far, I’ve been SOOOOOOO Goal-Oriented. This doesn’t mean to not have goals, but to not dwell on things in the future but more-so of the present. Don’t focus all my energy on achieving a goal, but instead continue living and doing things that make the world a better place.

10. Ends: Stop jumping to conclusions.

Means: I shouldn’t assume I know what is going to happen. For instance, I shouldn’t not do something because I think something else would happen as a direct causal effect of it. Don’t assume or make an ass out of anyone . Accept criticisms and improve oneself based on it.

11. Ends: Don’t dramatize or over-generalize.

Means: Failure. or anything of the sort. Some sort of defeat, IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD ! Lambda Chi. Camp Kesem. Who cares. Just move on with your life. Don’t make a big deal out of one event.

12. Ends: Don’t Invent Rules.

Means: You don’t NEED anything in life, in particular. Don’t make things up as they go along. Hierarchy of Needs? Throw it out.

13. Ends: Avoid stereotyping.

Means: Don’t judge people before you meet them essentially. I don’t actually do this, but I can reduce racist comments by a mile.

14. Ends: No to perfection.

Means: Avoid trying to be “perfect”. Just strive for the best. Perfection is a fabrication/a ruse. a fallacy.

15. Ends: Don’t take things so personally.

Means: Don’t allow people to affect my happiness based on what they think about me. Move on, and be myself.

16. Ends: Don’t take emotions seriously.

Means: Emotions don’t indicate ANYTHING. Just because you feel something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Emotions can be from other incorrect factors such as hunger or annoyance. And even if feelings are true, they’re not the truth. Life goes on.

17.  * Ends: Do not chase girls.

Means: Give up the chase. To, benefit from not having to worry about the effects of failure. & To establish a state of independence as re-defined by #1

18. Ends: Be myself.

Means: I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. Increase my self-esteem essentially to create a better environment around me.

19. Ends: Learn a new talent/hobby.

Means: Guitar? Something to consume my time with. Something to keep me busy, motivated, and make me happy.

20.  Ends: Spend more time with Family & Friends.

Means: Communication! Get closer to the friends I already know, and close to the people I don’t. Meet people. Socialize. Throw myself out out there.

21. Ends: Take chances.

Means: Listen to Rachel Berry’s “Taking Chances”. Throw myself out there to the world, and if I get bitten, I will move on by not dramatizing. And if I do get what I want, then I’ll remind myself why I took chances in the first place.

22.  Ends: Stick to a budget.

Means: Don’t overspend. Start saving up. The economy’s in turmoil, and everyone, EVERYONE needs to pay for the 32% UC fee increase.

23. Ends: Have more patience.

Means: Do not raise my voice or get angry. Assess the whole situation first. Make a conscious choice to lift people up rather than tear them down. Patience = more success.

24. Ends: Don’t hang onto the past. Let go and move on.

Means: As 2010, and a new decade approaches, I will look to the present and beyond for happiness.

Me: “Doctor B, I’m ridiculously overwhelmed and stressed out.”

Doctor B: “Ah, is it the normal holiday stress?”

Me: “Uh, I suppose. I don’t really know I just feel really overwhelmed and pulled into a million directions and I can’t think straight and I’m anxious about stuff and I’m irritated and I find little things are irritating me and that makes me a mean person and I don’t like being mean.”

Doctor B: “Kim you need to relax. There is nothing in this world that is worth all that worrying. You need to be able to let things go and not to worry about them.  You have to distract yourself from things that make you worry. “

Me: ”I. DON’T. KNOW. HOW.  Like when I was decorating the stupid christmas cookies and they turned out all ugly and I was so pissed off about it and thought about how stupid they looked all day and worried how I was going to fix them and then I turned my frustration on to my innocent son. I shoved him. I’m so awful. I don’t want to screw him up.”

Doctor B: ” It takes a lot to screw someone up. You’re not screwing him up. “

Me: ” I don’t want to be that mean mom that nags and yells at their kids all the time.”

Doctor B: “Hmmm. I think that maybe we should find something else that works for you. Maybe in the new year we will try switching to some mood stabilizers.”

Me: * very upset with the idea of switching my medication…AGAIN  “What am I doing wrong? Like what can I do right now to make me better? I’m so tired of being this person. I want to be better so badly Dr.B. I am trying so hard.”

Doctor B: “I know you are. You will get there. Maybe we can also get you in to a therapist now because I think that deep down you have a need for perfection. In that I think that you have a slight obsession with being perfect and when things are not perfect you worry about it, a lot. The postpartum depression will also make this worse. You need to know that you’re not perfect. No one is. Not me, not your family, not your co-workers or friends. We are all imperfect. Just think if things were all perfect. If there weren’t little screw ups in our DNA we wouldn’t have had evolution. That’s what makes us all different. You should learn to love your imperfection. You or no one will ever be perfect. There is no such thing.”

Me: “Well, I like things to be perfect. I get mad when the laundry isn’t folded a certain way. Like I’ll take that irritation and blow it way out of proportion”

 Doctor B: “That is also a part of your postpartum depression but I also think that deep down behind your drive for perfection, is a person with low self-esteem. You need to learn to let go of the idea of being perfect. Your house will never be perfectly clean. You have a toddler that for the next 18 years or so will keep your house in shambles. You need to accept that sometimes things need to be half assed. Does it really matter if your house is totally spotless? No. Is that worth worrying about all day? No.”

Me: “Ooooohhhh”

Doctor B: “I think that you need to relax and breathe. Get some relaxation tapes. Do some yoga. Whatever it is you need to do to calm you down. In the next year, maybe we will tackle this in a different way. I want you to be better and you will.”

Me: “Let’s do it.”

Doctor B: “Relax over the holidays and enjoy it. Have a merry Christmas. Actually an imperfect one cause no holiday is ever perfect, now is it?”

Ahh, it makes perfect (no pun) sense. Gosh, Dr. B is so damn clever. I always have the need to be perfect and I beat myself up when things are not going the way I had planned. It stresses me out to no end! I’ve always been that way but it’s way way worse now that I have postpartum depression and anxiety. I guess that I was imperfect to begin with. Nonetheless, I am still not back to my “imperfect self”…but I hope to get there soon.

 I’m scared to death about switching my meds but if that’s what it takes, then so be it.  I really NEED to get better. I’m taking Dr.B’s orders and am going to relax try to relax over the holidays so I might not be posting as much.

To whomever is reading this,  I hope that you all have a safe and Merry Christmas.

****Remember you’re not alone. If you feel like harming yourself or your baby get help immediately!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK

A number of years ago, a book I was reading had a quote from Carl Jung in it that struck to my core. The book referred to a quote from Dreams, Memories and Reflections, “if god were conscious of himself [or herself or themselves] he would not need conscious creatures.” That one quote started me thinking and set me on a new path of discovery, which has evolved into my beliefs today, and was reinforced when I read a piece on C.G. Jung’s Answer to Job by J Marvin Spiegelman.

My belief and thinking on this is that there is an unconscious Creative Intelligent Energy that is the Source of all creation. It knows all about what it creates, but it cannot experience it. Thus, souls are created containing the essence of the Creator.

Souls are the consciousness and essence of this Creative Energy, and are the experiencers of creation. As such, a means is needed to fully experience creation and the effects of the interrelationships within creation.

The physical form, human or otherwise, is a means. And to make it more interesting, free will is a component passed on from Source to soul to human, in our case. I will stay within the framework of Earth for this discussion.

Earth is the equivalent of a school in which the soul with in the human form consciously experiences the physical reality of creation. The lessons are life, and the countless possibilities and potentials that exist.

Souls learn from scratch, progressing to perfection, and as they progress they come closer to the Source from which they came and return.

The lessons are primarily each soul’s alone. Karma is the effect of both good and bad management of the experience of life. I don’t see an overlord judging those effects from an award and punishment standpoint. Rather, it is simply the effect of actions that creates the karma. In the classroom context, we are the students and life is the teachers. The individual soul, through life, assigns the grade to their behaviors and effects. Sometimes we (as souls) determine that we need to repeat the course. Sometimes we pass with a higher grade, or even skip a grade. Depending on our soul’s evaluation of how it managed that partnership with the human means, and the results, the soul repeats or progresses in its evolution to perfection. In my belief, it isn’t about award and punishment. It is simply experiencing and learning. “Lessons” isn’t even adequate to explain a process of bringing all into balance and harmony through love. I see no judgment other than that which assists us in our learning process, as opposed to a judge holding us to account for our actions. The soul is its own judge because it is the consciousness of its Source. From a logical sense there can be no judgment outside of the soul itself evaluating itself.

The purpose of the souls role is for the unconscious Source to experience creation through the conscious soul, who ultimately becomes completely One with its Source and all that exists in reality. Knowledge and experience of the reality of creation completes is enjoined in One.

For me, there is such a close and intimate relationship between Source, soul, human, and a life that is full of dichotomies that need to be experienced and reconciled, brought into balance and harmony. I see the primary tool to be perfect love, and from that all things are reconciled and brought into a harmonious union. The closer we come to realizing this harmony I speak of, the more bliss the soul experiences. As each soul evolves into that perfect love, there is nothing that separates, all enjoin into Oneness of All.

Well, that is how I see it. Others may have their own awareness and process. This is what is the inspiration of my heart and soul, at the moment. I’m OK with this understanding for my life. I keep in mind I am still evolving.

One of the most common ideas about the virgin birth, if not the most common idea, is that Christ was conceived of a human egg and a divine…sperm.  However, the earliest of Christians did not think this.

In the time of Christ, and in the time of the prophets who foretold of the virgin birth, it was solely believed that the man was the carrier of a fully fertile, “seed.”  The woman was thought to provide no genetic component, inasmuch as they knew of genetics.  She was the fertile ground within which the seed was planted.  In fact, the word, “semen,” literally means “seed.”  While we know that traditional reproduction involves the union of two lineages, they had thought that all life was patrilineal, descending strictly through the men.  What is the significance of this?  It means that, as far as all parties were concerned, Jesus was as unique a human as Adam was, being without any parents.  This is somewhat difficult, considering that the messiah was supposed to come from the line of David.  In a sense, he did come from that lineage, both through Mary and Joseph, but he was genetically not descended from either.  That was what people who believed in the virgin birth believed about Jesus’ bloodline.

Let’s look a little into this.  Here we have the problem of original sin, the belief that because we were descended from Adam we were born already condemned and full of evil.  The exact reason for this is not clear, but what was clear to the early church was that, if Jesus was not really descended from Adam, then he must not have had original sin.  He was the world’s third un-fallen person, ever, after Adam and Eve.  What they also believed was that because he was without Adam’s fallen nature, he was sinless, and therefore capable of atoning for our sin, like a bull without blemish.  To further add to this, he was the Son of God, which meant that he could atone for all sin for all time.  He was a new human, fresh out of the package with no spiritual inheritance, other than the one he received from his Father in Heaven.

Now, fast forward to the discovery of the human egg.  Upon the Christian world was thrust the burden of determining whether Christ was conceived without both sperm and egg, or just without sperm.  If he was of Mary’s egg, then he was absolutely born with all of the genetic flaws accumulated throughout history to that point.  If he was from her egg, then he was not the spotless lamb that people took him for.  People would say that sin and physical flaws have nothing to do with each other, but I would say that the two are intrinsically connected.  You cannot have one without the other.  Death is just a lethal accumulation of physical flaws.  Death is the wage that comes from sin.  Therefore physical flaws arise because of sin.  Had the original people remained sinless, then they would have remained perfect, free from injury, illness and death.

When the ancient Israelites were commanded to sacrifice a spotless healthy bull for the atonement of their sins, they were being commanded to select the beast based on physical traits to serve a spiritual purpose.  God did not command them to find a bull that was without sin.  He told them to find one that was healthy, and by inference far from death.  Sin is our divergence from the will of God.  Entropy, sickness, mutations and death are all physical divergence from the perfect state that Adam and Eve knew before the Fall.  Therefore, to be that perfect sacrificial bull, Christ had to be without sin and without physical defect.

The first thing to change this was the crucifixion and all of the torture that went with it.  As he accepted the sin of the world onto his shoulders, he also took the burden of death and destruction.  As he was physically ripped to shreds, he was spiritually ripped to shreds.  As he physically overcame death, he spiritually overcame sin.  The two go hand in hand and are inseparable.

What, then, shall we say?  Was he already suffering the wages of sin and physical injury before the whip crossed his back?  This could hardly be true.  If it were, then we would have no hope.  We would still be as damned as the day Eve took that fruit.  If a perfect sperm fused with an imperfect egg, they would not form a perfect human, but an imperfect one.  The early church put the hope of their eternity into the very fact that Christ had no human ancestors, and Mary was only his surrogate, adoptive mother.  They saw him as an original human, without original sin, come to take away the sins of the world.  I can say this with absolute certainty.  Why should we change from this perspective?  They were not wrong.  God save us if they were.

Of fourteen pairs of legs bent in perfect triangles two pairs look like they may have seen sun sometime this century and two are dark enough to appear strikingly out of place. That leaves ten pairs of legs of the exact same hue and of course all fourteen of the girls are within the exact same height and weight bracket, and have strikingly similar curves. Riding the subway uptown the Radio City Rockettes stare back at me from the poster advertising the Radio City Christmas Spectacular and all I can wonder is whether or not perfection is just standardization. That’s not to say that I’ve decided that the Rockettes represent some form of perfection, but it would seem that if we buy into the spectacle of Christmas they must. As I think most of us can agree, Christmas represents the height of capitalism.  Yet whether out of guilt, some true hope or something else many people, many Americans in particular, seem to feel a need to infuse meaning beyond consumerism into the holiday and what do we tend to say we’re celebrating becomes hope, purity, innocence, togetherness,etc.  Now pair those values with the symbols of Christmas such as Santa, the Rockettes, perfectly gift-wrapped presents, elaborate light decorations, and Christmas trees peeking through our windows I just wonder if the perfect image of Christmas has not been conflated with an attempt to meet impossible standards in which we worship some cult of standardized perfection surrounding Christmas. I once liked to think that life was about originality, but that’s slipping away as a form of perfection.

That said, I’m going to go write my Christmas cards up.

Perfection is over rated. In fact many times in our quest for perfection, we actually stop ourselves from our pursuits – both professionally and personally. How many times have you talked yourself out of something because things weren’t perfect? Like “It’s too cold today to take a walk” or “I didn’t get around to dusting the piano so I won’t have company over.”

Nothing’s ever perfect or like Hollywood leads us to believe. And if you buy into that – you’ll end up never quite feeling like things lived up to your expectations and being miserable in the process.

This past weekend for me certainly didn’t work out the way I had planned it to be. My daughter’s scheduled 5PM flight out of Chicago on Friday night – normally a 2-hour flight – arrived at Newark at 1AM! The two parties we had planned to go to on Saturday were both postponed because of a big snowstorm.

Not my Christmas tree.

Because of the snow – we didn’t make the 40 minute drive to the party we had planned to go to but went to a neighbor’s for an impromptu dinner instead. And the tree we picked out was one that hadn’t been chosen by others earlier in the month. But it did have character and we trimmed it the same as we do every year with popcorn and cranberries and ornaments that we have collected from our travels all over the world.

And on Sunday after we shoveled out, we made the 40-minute journey to the party that had been postponed from the day before. There were about half as many people there that had been invited and along with that the food that they were supposed to bring. But even though the ham was still in Connecticut and the salad was in Staten Island we didn’t really care.

Oddly enough even though none of the original expectations of the weekend were met – it was the most perfect weekend I can remember. Today the sun is shining on a beautiful pristine blanket of fresh snow – a great day to take some time and go out for a walk.

Drew Brees Congratulates Tony Romo on handing the Saints their 1st loss

Week 16 had few surprise upsets starting with The Saturday night “pursuit of perfection” Alternate ending.

Colts-35, Jaguars-31: The Colts looked to keeping their undefeated record intact and rolling as they went into Jacksonville for this division rivalry. The Jags ran up and down the field on the colts. Maurice Jones-Drew scored 2 td,s one rushig, one receiving. Once again, you cannot give Peyton Manning too much time with the ball. Colts QB Peyton Manning was nearly perfect, dissecting the Jaguars’ defense. Manning threw four touchdown passes, and his lone blemish was an interception that bounced out of the hands of TE Dallas Clark . who made up for that transgression with two touchdowns… The Colts continue to “perfection” and wrap up the AFC home field advantage

Cowboys-24, Saints-17: OOOPH!!! all day during pre-game the “pursuit of perfection” was being glorified x10 in the big easy… With The Super Dome rocking and New Orleans residents riding high….The Texas Boys came to town with a different attitude… it was Do or Die, and Tony Romo and the boys DID! Cowboys Owned the time of possession having the ball for 36 minutes compared to the Saints 22. The Cowboys defense stepped to the league’s # 1 offense by racking up 4 sacks, 2 force fumbles, and an interception to quiet the crowd. Tony Romo only accounted for one of the Cowboys’ three touchdowns, but played nearly flawless football, finishing 22 of 34 with 312 yards. With the Saints having scored 14 unanswered points and the Superdome crowd at its loudest, Romo shook of the Cowboys’ December demons and went 4 for 5 on Dallas’ last two drives. I’m assuming everyone thinks the Cowboys can win in December now….Saints are undefeated no more.

Patriots-17, Bills-10: With the Pats leading the division they were looking to take another step up against their division rivals. The Bills were flagged for 11 penalties, totaling 124 yards, including two pass interference calls in the end zone, which set up both Patriots touchdowns. Buffalo’s 104 penalty yards in the first half is the most by any team in the opening half this season. The Bills shot themselves in the foot with this one. Randy Moss ties Jerry Rice’s record for most seasons with 10 td catches..

Browns-41, Chiefs-34: this was a game of pride, but suprisngly there was a record shattering stat by running back Jerome Harrison of the Browns. who rushed for 286 yds to put himself in the record books. other than that………..get it? Joshua Cribbs also ran back 2 kickoffs to also put himself in the record books.

Falcons-10, Jets-7: Mark Sanchez was picked off for the third time with 1:13 remaining. Left with just one timeout, the Jets were unable to keep the Falcons from running out the clock in the victory formation and evening their record at 7-7. Well thats about wraps it up for the Jets.

Texans-16, Rams-13: Andre Johnson was the King of the day with 196 yds receiving. Johnson, who led the NFL with 1,575 receiving yards last season, is trying to become just the second receiver (Jerry Rice did it twice) to lead the league in receiving yards in back-to-back seasons. Rams are officially “rebuilding”

Titans-27, Dolphins-24: Tennesse is looking to win their last7 out of 8. And that they did. RB Chris Johnson went over 100 yds again… whats new? Dolphins WR Greg Camarillo committed an unnecessary roughness penalty on a play in which Chad Henne was intercepted by Titans FS Michael Griffin in overtime. The penalty immediately put Tennessee in field goal range, and Titans K Rob Bironas hit a 46-yarder for the win.

Cardinals-31, Lions-24: The nfc west leading Cardinals look to hold onto their lead and clinch with a win in detroi… who thought it’d b hard. They certainly arent in playoff form. Arizona improved to 6-2 on the road this season. … Kurt Warner has 99 passing touchdowns since joining the Cardinals and needs one more to join Fran Tarkenton as the only players in NFL history with 100-plus passing TDs with two different teams. … The Lions went to Stanton in the second half, and he led them to 24 points, and nearly a come-from-behind win. They gotta play better ball against bad teams if they expect to win playoff games.

Raiders-20, Broncos-19: Division rivalry….Broncos are fighting for their playoff lives and blew it… its almost flatline time. The Broncos had no answer for a Raiders rushing attack that, led by Bush, outgained the Broncos 241 to 80 on the ground. Darren McFadden chipped in with 74 yards on 12 carries and Frye added a 26-yard run. DAMN!!! way to let yourself down

Chargers-27, Bengals-24: with a hughe chp on their shoulder with the death of WR Chris Henry, and A top seed in the division, Bengals were in search of a clinching win. unfortunately they came up short due to the hot hand of the streaking Chargers. Nate Kaeding drilled a 52-yard field goal with just three seconds remaining to give the Chargers their ninth consecutive win. The kick was set up by a 15-yard completion from Philip Rivers to Malcom Floyd, in which the Bengals inexplicably allowed the Chargers, who had no timeouts, to work the sideline. AFC west….clinched!

Ravens-31, Bears-7: LMFAO @ this sad excuse of a game. The Ravens came to ball….period. Joe Flacco looked sharp from the get go, completing 21 of 29 passes for 234 yards and four touchdowns. DAMN! they had da Delaware boy lookin like GAWD out there. Jay Cutler was Jay Cutler….nuff said.

Buccaneers-24, Seahawks-7: Bucs coach Raheem Morris just might have saved himself a job with this win over the Seahawks for 2 on the season. its been a long road for the once hardcore Tampa 2. Tampa Bay’s rookie QB Josh Freeman threw his first touchdown pass since Week 12. He finished with 205 yards passing and two TDs. The Seahawks committed five turnovers, which Tampa Bay converted into 10 points. somethign to look forward to next season ig uess.

Eagles-27, 49ers-13: Looks like all is done for the Niners. As for Phully, they sit up top a tough NFC East and are in for a battle. Donovan Mcnabb was nothing short of great on sunday. Eagles WR DeSean Jackson continued to show why he is such a big-play threat, coming up with six catches for 140 yards and a touchdown. Jackson has 1,087 yards this season, becoming the third Eagles receiver under Andy Reid to reach 1,000. Jackson’s 19-yard touchdown catch was his first score under 35 yards this season. Dont people kno when he is on the field at all? You cant miss him… Can u catch him?

Steelers-37, Packers-36: This Finish was very “super bowlish”. Just when we thought the Steel Curtain was down and out they strike back with fire. Ben Roethlisberger thre for 500 yds and a few td’s. The Big guy found WR Mike Wallace in the end zone as time expired and Pittsburgh down 36-30. Jeff Reed hit the extra point to give the Steelers their first win since Week 9. The Steelers still have somewhat of a heartbeat.

Panthers-26, Vikings-7: DAMN! lets not call Favre the MVP just yet. Panthers WR Steve Smith caught 9 balls for 157 yds and had some words for the young corners of Minnesota after the game. The Vikings ran 30 fewer plays than the Panthers and were able to convert on third down just once in 10 tries. Well looks like Favre is gettin into that late season rutt that we all are used to. *yawns* we’ll see how his playoffs look

Giants-45, Redskins-12: HOLY SH*T! where do you start with this one? With the cloud of a coaching change hanging over the Redskins orginization, they were victim to a Giants circuis act of a beating. In a game the Giants had to have to help their playoff chances, Manning was at his best. He went 19-of-26 for 268 yards, three touchdowns (each to a different receiver) and no interceptions. Manning also got everyone involved, completing passes to 10 different receivers. The Giants keep themselves alive yet again in the dirty NFC playoff race. The Redskins can officially hang it up after a whooping like that.

^ Title says it all, really.

But nachos have this certain musty tang to them. Might be the corn chips. Might be the melted cheddar. Might be the wafting aroma of awesome. But anyways, the point is, this musty tang is like a net. A long, incredibly strong net strung up between deliciousness and perfection and it seems, dear reader, I am caught smack bang in the middle.

As I eye them thoroughly, I wonder to myself, have I ever seen such beauty? Such grace, such…flavourful sin? Perhaps not. It is one of only hundreds of servings I have had in my lifetime of this Mexican delicacy, but something seems different about these nachos. Is the texture of the chips crisper than normal? The sour cream mixing into the salsa more? One cannot tell, but all I know is this is going to be orgasmic.

There is nothing like a beautiful powdery snowfall…white, crisp, clean, pure.  But it doesn’t last.  It melts, it gets dirty, muddy, and it’s messy, kind of like the heart to heart I had with my husband this morning about my internal conflict over where we each are in our own lives.  It started out well and ended up messy. 

I’m a fairy tale type of girl and for years have always thought it possible for that clean, pristine snow to last forever.  But I’ve slowly begun to realize that is just not based in reality.

I have always tried to fix things, people, and lives to keep things neat and clean.  But I recently had an awakening that maybe things can be different and maybe I need to rely on myself, not other people to keep my world in a semi-pristine state. 

If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that my husband is recovering from a gambling addiction, one it looks like he had for longer than I realized.  It was a shock that rocked all off our worlds.  He has come clean with me and we have struggled, as with any addiction there are relapses and recovery periods.  While he does get therapeutic help, there are still repercussions.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband has provided well for us for many many years.   But as a result of this addiction, I have felt that a lot of my children’s and my emotional needs have not been met.  This has been devastating.

On the flip side my husband frequently points out to me that the reason this addiction started is because his needs were not being met, originally by his parents, and later by me.  While I know logically that someone’s addiction is their own and people make choices, I still have a hard time reconciling the fact that I am often partly blamed for this addiction, and I cannot seem to give up the hope that my needs will eventually be met.

So what do you do when you have a marriage that is in two totally different places and each of you has very different needs?  That is my dilemma right now, it’s quite a struggle. 

I know my husband is trying, and I do give him a lot of credit for that.  He is holding down two jobs, is providing for his family, taking care of his children, and is in therapy.  A lot for anyone to manage. 

In a perfect world he would be in a more intensive recovery program, but with the reality of what has to be done to pay off the gambling debt he has very limited time.  He does choose to spend the free time that he has with his boys, re-building the respect and trust that he has lost.  The boys are slowly coming around, but it takes time.  They love him dearly and they want nothing more than to believe that this is as real as the fresh-fallen snow.

I, on the other hand, like everything in a neat little box tied with a white satin ribbon.  I would like guarantees of no more broken promises and no more hurt.  But I know that’s not possible.  Right now at this period in my life I am struggling with the fact I may never be able to meet my husband’s needs, nor he, mine.  So where we go from here, I don’t know.