Sad but true, there’s no avoiding it, its clear as the blazing sun on a hot summer day. I have grown apart from those I once used to be close with. Not out of anger or resentment, but more out of personal growth. We just don’t have much we can relate to.

It does bother me, because a while back I commented on how lonely I am, not from a lack of company, but from a a lack of equals.

I know I haven’t caught up with friends in a while, but I sense things will be a bit awkward, because they follow my posts on social networking sites and probably have realized by now that I am quite a fascinating character.

I wish I could express to them properly that my online persona and my real world persona are quite different. I have no filter online, I speak what I think. I find it easier to write my thoughts than convey it in speech. Hence why they get so much volume online but in person its like I am a different being.

I won’t dumb down though. This is me, and I like where I am headed. Yes its not been rosy, yes I still have doubts about the path ahead, but who I am today as compared to me a few years back is like night and day.

Any friend of mine that wishes I were still that timid, insecure kid is not a good friend as they don’t want me to progress. We can’t stay on the same spot hoping things will come our way. You have to take risks in life, learn to think outside your box.

I wonder if this will affect my chances of meeting a great gal. I chuckled writing that. The thought has crossed my mind, that maybe I intimidate people. Sometimes I do come off as wordy, but that’s just me though. I don’t want to sugarcoat things for anyone. Best to know real me, than some pretentious clown. I am confident in my abilities, I believe God has granted me a gift, and I pray everyday he guides me to my promised land. Why should I feel guilty for that?

People limit themselves. You don’t have to be like everyone else. Why not give yourself a shot at doing something with your life? How many think ahead, 5, 10, 20 years from now? What are your plans for your life? I don’t want to be stuck behind some desk, working 9 to 5, slaving for some corporation, worried about bills and whatnot.

So on this thanksgiving eve, I realize I do have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for, the gift of life…no one knows when they’ll go. Some had it yesterday but are gone today. I am still here and thankful for it.

I am thankful for, resilience you’d be surprised at how hard I try to better myself and how many close calls I’ve had. Not everyone can walk in my shoes without folding.

I am thankful for, lovers, haters, backbiters, doubters, you name it. Everyone has a role, and they have all played a part.

I am thankful for, those who only know me on the surface and never took time to really get to know me. They’ll be surprised when my time comes.

I am thankful for, God blessing me with this gift because basically what he did was guarantee that I wouldn’t have a normal existence.

So yes whilst everything I asked for hasn’t fallen into my laps, I can still breathe a sigh of relief because I know I achieved a lot this year. The sky is the limit, I just hope I never get dissuaded from following my passion.

Happy thanksgiving!

Por Ingº Alfonso Orellana

(Comentario basado en el tema: FRIEDRICH LOOFS Y LA ENCARNACIÓN DEL HIJO

 Escrito por apologista el 10/11/2009 08:43)

Tomas Jefferson, figura histórica con la me he llegado a identificar por compartir muchas de lo que fuesen sus pasiones, conocía muy bien las Escrituras y sobre todo le impactaban las enseñanzas de Jesús. (De hecho, profesaba el unitarismo.) Este interés en Jesús le llevó una noche a componer un “evangelio” modificado en el cual tomó los evangelios y extrajo lo que él llamó “The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth” (La vida y las enseñanzas morales de Jesús de Nazaret.) Literalmente cortó con una navaja todo aquello que el consideró las enseñanzas genuinas de Jesús y dejó fuera todos los milagros y referencias a la divinidad del Señor. Este pequeño libro, del cual poseo una copia con un facsímil del original, se llegó a conocer como La Biblia de Jefferson.

Jefferson fue hijo de la ‘edad del alumbramiento.’ Ávido lector, fanático de los libros, se centró en las enseñanzas de Jesús y no necesariamente en su persona. Desde mi punto de vista lamentable. Creo que desconectar la persona de las enseñanzas es diluir, reducir el impacto del mensaje. Es rebajarlo a un plano netamente humano, carnal, donde el código de Hamurabi y las enseñanzas de otros maestros de la moral humana, no distan mucho. Lo que hizo el diálogo entre Jesús y Pilatos trascendental no fueron las enseñanzas de Jesús; fue como reconoció Pilatos; “El hombre.”

Conocí muy de cerca de al Dr. D. James Kennedy y tuve algunos intercambios con él. Empiezo por decir que este hombre para mí fue una contradicción viviente. Nunca entendí cómo podía ser Calvinista y al mismo tiempo evangelista. En mi apreciación del Calvinismo no veo porque sea necesario evangelizar a nadie dado que ya el destino eterno de todos los humanos fue decidido de manera arbitraria antes que el mundo fuese. Nunca compartí el meollo de su fe.

Bueno, poniendo a un lado esta paradoja, puedo decir que estoy de acuerdo con la declaración citada arriba con relación a lo que es la esencia del cristianismo; la persona de Jesús. En mi concepto, las enseñanzas de Jesús, recogidas en los evangelios, fueron sólo el resultado de quién él era. No meramente la razón de su venida. Dios pudo haber inspirado a hombres para que escribieran las mismas cosas y realizaran los mismos milagros, incluso, morir en la cruz. Lo que ningún humano común y corriente podía hacer era morir en una cruz Y redimir la humanidad (sólo el mismo Hijo de Dios lo pudo hacer).

La identidad total de esta persona no fue algo que quedó vaciado en bronce cuando Jesús despareció de la escena. Evidencia de esto es que Jesús resucitado tomó a Saulo, lo llevó al desierto de Arabia por tres años y le instruyó en Su evangelio. Una unción fresca, libre de las ideas que pudieran estar cocinándose en la mente de los apóstoles y lideres en Jerusalén. Por la cartas paulinas sabemos que mucho de lo que se cocinaba no era “kosher,” estaba salpicado de judaísmo y ritos de la ley.

Como he reiterado muchas veces, siendo mi ‘caballito de batalla,’ el Espíritu Santo pacientemente conduciría a todos los cristianos después de Cristo mismo a “toda la verdad.” Y como Cristo también indicó en Juan que junto con el Espíritu Santo, él y Padre harían morada en el cristiano nacido de nuevo, podemos concluir que lo que se conocería de Jesús trascendería el retrato, la instantánea de tres años de ministerio terrestre. 

Esto no quiere decir que vamos a aceptar cualquier disparate que haya escrito un llamado ‘Padre de la Iglesia’ por cerca que haya estado a los apóstoles. Toda expresión tiene que ser pasada por el filtro del Espíritu que mora en nosotros. Debido a que no podemos generalizar, hacemos bien en considerarlo todo y retener lo bueno.

Lo que el escritor del tema sobre el que comento señala como “evolución desastrosa” yo lo catalogo como evolución constructiva.

Volviendo a Jefferson. Hace unos años visité la hermosa casa que él diseñó y construyó en una montaña piramidal en Virginia. Un lugar fascínate y una ventana a la vida de este hombre que declaró “hostilidad eterna a toda forma de tiranía de la mente humana.” Jefferson tuvo una capacidad enrome para avaluar la importancia de que el hombre tuviese un compás moral, y es por eso que aludió a “’la Divinidad” a la hora de componer uno de los documentos históricos más importantes de la historia de los Estados Unidos de América y quizás del mundo; La Declaración de Independencia. Este documento sentó las bases para el desarrollo de una de las Constituciones más estables de la historia del mundo civilizado.

Este conjunto de derechos de libertad fue basado, en gran parte, en el código moral judeocristiano. Jefferson fue responsable que esto fuese así. El sabía que la nación emergente poseía una gran desventaja; la mayoría de sus líderes estaban tan polarizados religiosamente como la nación que les oprimía desde el otro lado del Atlántico. Al conceder libertad de culto, Jefferson estaba precisamente asegurándose que la nueva nación fuese un estado secular en donde la libertad de culto reinara. Contrario a las alegaciones de mi difunto amigo D. James Kennedy, los Estados Unidos de América no son una nación “cristiana.”

Jefferson disfrutó de la amistad genuina de hombres de distintas denominaciones y formas independientes de fe. Sus numerosas cartas dan testimonio de su equilibrio y perspicacia al tratar con los asuntos relacionados a la religión. Desde mi perspectiva, lamento que intelectualizara a Jesús y se perdiera de otras cosas muy valiosas, la mayor de ellas, su papel como Rey del Reino de Dios. Por lo que conozco de mi Rey y lo poco que conozco de Jefferson tengo la sospecha que habrá un encuentro en el futuro de estos dos personajes donde el mejor vino, mejor que cualquiera que Jefferson cultivo en su vina, será compartido.

Les dejo algunas ideas de la conferencia “Familia: expertos en humanidad”, relacionadas al amor incondicional que debe vivirse en la familia. Al final pueden mirar o compartir la presentación.

Por: Mgtr. Gloria Huarcaya

 Hablar sobre la familia y su importancia puede parecer una tarea vana, pues a todos resulta obvio que la familia es importante.  Sin embargo en estos tiempos han aparecido una serie de modas, ideas y fenómenos sociológicos que pueden hacernos dudar sobre lo genuino de la familia como institución natural.

El hombre es un ser familiar, nace y muere en el seno de una familia. Necesita de un ámbito familiar para crecer no sólo biológicamente; sino también para alcanzar su plenitud personal.

El matrimonio entre varón y mujer, que da origen a la familia, inicia también las relaciones de parentesco entre sus miembros. En el propio ámbito de la convivencia familiar, las personas inician su experiencia de desarrollarse en cuanto personas queridas por sí mismas, que son acogidas incondicionalmente a propósito de su identidad familiar: como hijos, padres, esposos, hermanos, etc.  

En la familia lo valemos todo, desnudos de todo, y se nos quiere así, en la esencia personal. Es decir, el amor familiar es un amor incondicional que supera las barreras de la utilidad. Se nos quiere como somos, sin importar nuestras características físicas o incluso los rasgos del temperamento. Por eso nos sentimos tan a gusto, distendidos y en confianza cuando estamos “en casa”.

Ese amor incondicional de la familia explica cómo una familia se une cuando uno de sus miembros es discapacitado, a pesar del stress que supone este tipo de situaciones.  Pensemos también por ejemplo en el envejecimiento de los padres, que llegados a la tercera edad necesitan ser asistidos, aún en sus funciones más vitales. Todavía en nuestra sociedad, podemos encontrar a hijos comprometidos en el cuidado de sus padres, que les cuidan sin ninguna recompensa a cambio, sólo por la razón del vínculo familiar cimentado en el amor, porque son sus padres.

Familia, amor y persona, son tres realidades unidas por un nexo indisoluble, y ninguna de ellas se sostiene sin el apoyo de las otras dos: “Que no hay familia sin personas; que no hay personas sin familia; y sobre todo que no hay familia ni personas sin amor”, nos recordaba Juan Pablo II.

credit : www.do-concert.com
Please repost with full credit.

SS501 the 1st Asia Tour PERSONA in Bangkok

Date : January 9th , 2010 (Sat)

Show Time : 19.00 pm. – 21.00 pm.

Venue : Impact Arena, Muang Thong Thani

Organizer : Do Concert

Ticket Price :
THB 5,500 (VIP seat) / THB 4,500 (standing) / THB 4,500 (seat) /
THB 3,500 (seat) / THB 2,000 (seat) / THB 800 (seat)

Label : DSPmedia (Thailand)

Priority Booking : November 21st – 24th , 2009 (www.dspent-thailand.com)

Public Sale : December 2nd , 2009 Onwards

Ticketing Hotline : (66)8-6320-2579

Ticketing Website : www.totalreservation.com

Box Office : Total Reservation Box Office
Call Center (66)2-833-5555

Reservation Branch :

1. IMPACT Muang Thong Thani , Food Atrium, IMPACT Muang Thong Thani
2. The Emporium, 3rd floor, near the elevator and internet café zone
3. Siam Paragon, Ground floor, next to Customer Relation counter
4. BTS Mochit Station, opposite Oishi Express
5. BTS Victory Monument Station, near the walkway to Century The Movie Plaza
6. The Mall Thaphra, 1st floor, Car Park Side
7. The Mall Bangkae, 2nd floor, opposite DTAC Shop
8. The Mall Ngamwongwan, 1st floor, near Se-Ed Book center
9. The Mall Ramkhamhaeng, 1st floor, at the Event Hall 1 opposite Standard Chartered Bank
10. The Mall Bangkapi, 2nd floor, near Siam Commercial Bank

Enquiry :
ss501personainbkk@gmail.com
doconcert@gmail.com

For more information please visit: http://www.do-concert.com/en.html

—————————-under construction——————–

A wind through me,

speaking of

unknown lands

singing

enchanted words.

Beautiful voice,

calling for

loyalty to the truth.

When did I loose them,

these words,

my gems.

Why did I loose them

These reflections,

my heart.

I let the devil in,

I served him well,

forgetting myself

forgetting myself

Until the wind came again

carrying the voice

of the unknown lands.

Calling me at the high table

to sit with the princes

to toast with my heart.

Revisitando a Bergman… sufría de desórdenes estomacales, afición desmedida a las mujeres (las martirizaba sin que él mismo disfrutara de ello) y de algo como un vago odio al mundo en general

L’uomo vive infinite situazioni durante la propria esistenza, quaranta, cinquanta, sessanta anni e più, però ha un’unità di memoria e questo costituisce quello che in Ontopsicologia si chiama “Io logico storico”: la parte logica e cosciente di tutte le operazioni volontarie, responsabili, riflessive, intelligenti, razionali, mnemoniche, etc. di un essere umano. Se si perdesse la memoria, ogni persona potrebbe essere qualsiasi altra persona, sempre vivente, ma non sarebbe più il “tal dei tali” nato in quel paese, che ha quel tipo di amici, di moglie o di marito, di affari, di relazioni, etc.

L’Io logico storico è dunque un “continuum” nel sociale, nello storico, nell’esistenziale: fa entrare il soggetto nella storia, nel divenire, nel prima e poi. Diversamente, l’In Sé ontico (il progetto di natura unico e irripetibile per ogni essere umano) non ha memoria, non ha prima e poi: è sempre attivo totale.

Last week I was introduced to my new obsession by my best friend’s girl, who by that moniker sounds like a failed 2008 Dane Cook movie (she’s awesome and definitely neither a failure nor associated with dane cook), and probably deserves her own things-in-my-life-that-are-amazing post.

Anyway, the new obsession: Miri Ben-Ari

Girlfriend is bringing sexy back to the violin. Her sounds are sharp, and her CD thrusts her tight violin riffs into the middle of thumping beats and famous faces of the world of rap. I heard the first track, and in less than 5 seconds I was hooked.  Plus she looks like Shakira and Isaac Stern (whom she studied under) had a crazy love child.

See? It’s pretty unmistakable.

Also, the more I read, the more I think that there may nothing that Ben-Ari cannot do.

A summary

• When her family ran out of money for violin lessons, she applied for an won the America-Israel Cultural Foundation Scholarship on the reccomendation of Isaac Stern. Thank god, because if she had stopped playing, it would have truly been a travesty.

• She arranged all the strings for Kanye’s “College Dropout” album. Try not to hold the kanye association against her, just appreciate that the string-age on his album was her brainchild, and thus, amazing. Personally, I’ve started telling people that Miri Ben-Ari’s strings are the only reason the album succeeded, however extrapolated it may sound.

• Started a non-profit called Gedenk to promote awareness and remembrance of the Holocaust, garnering a humanitarian award from the Jewish Federation. I think bringing string-sexy back is enough to garner its own humanitarian award. She’s giving hope to geeky classically trained musicians everywhere.

• She had her own story on NPR, which I think is probably the most impressive thing of all. I love NPR. sigh.

Moral of the story: She is awesome, and she makes my little classically trained-singer heart happy while still pleasing the edgy pink-hair wearing art kid in me.

Listen and feel superior: http://www.imeem.com/artists/miri_ben-ari/

My friend KK IM’d me the other day and told me she needed recommendations for things to wear for skating, holiday shopping, keeping warm, and generally being a snow bunny. So this will be the first of a series I will do on “Wearing Warm.”

We all know that SL finds its home on computers spread out in offices in warmer climates. In fact, a lot of the residents of SL never see snow. They find the whole idea of snow exotic and fun. So let me tell you about how it gets squeaky in REALLY cold weather, how it is fluffy or slushy, how it can drop in big glorious glops of flakes or in dry flurries of twinkledust.

I pulled out an older outfit from Myllie Writer, one she had marketed last year (and is now in her discount area ) to show you one possible ensemble. I have always loved this sweater/skirt set, and it comes in several combinations of colors so you can wear many color combos of sweaters and tights (and at a reasonable price). In poking around Persona today to confirm it was still available, I also purchased a ton of poses, some of which you see here.

I am showing this outfit with hair named after ME. I just get so happy when that happens. And I feel so honored Truth Hawks would honor me with his great work. (Je suis arrivee!) This tousled ponytail compliments the casualness of the outfit and reminds me how windblown hair can get in the winter.

A scarf from Antonia Marat and darling furry boots from Lexi Morgan keep me warm and a luscious skin from Monicuzza Babenco (named “Snow”—go figure), make me feel all snuggly.

Oh the weather outside is frightful…

Hair: >TRUTH< Harper – pumpkin by Truth Hawks for >TRUTH<*

Skin: *YS&YS* Adriana Lust 05 Snow EB Brown by Monicuzza Babenco for *YS & YS**

Sweater: *PERSONA* Furry Sweater – cream by Myllie Writer for PERSONA

Skirt: *PERSONA* Plaid Belted Skirt by Myllie Writer for PERSONA

Tights: *PERSONA* Woolen tights – orange by Myllie Writer for PERSONA

Scarf: /artilleri/ Taylor scarf STRIPES *peach/yellow* by Antonia Marat for /artilleri/

Boots: [Stellar] Kenai Boots – Tan by Lexi Morgan for Stellar

Wagon: Reek – Snowy Wagon by Riq Graves for Reek

Written while listening to “Funeral Singers” by Califone.

Do you ever find a partner in life?

If you do, do you both agree on path together?

OR

Do you get married etc and carry on working towards separate goals?

One focuses on their career and the other like wise?

Is it possible for both to focus on a career together? A career in choosing the best possible path to happiness and freedom?

Freedom in terms of free time. Free time to enjoy life, kids a partner etc?

What do you do if you find that you can marry someone and have kids, but know in your heart that as time passes so too will the distance between you.

Distance, because you both chose a path that was actually what you thought the other wanted,

or you were afraid to go after what you wanted for fear that the other will not approve, in which case resentment builds?

Please comment, let me know your thoughts.

My parents are beginning to give me freedom. Well. i shant make use of it too much. They have been more understanding. Alhamdulliah. (: i think i love my parents more and more each day (:

Been supporting myself. But has not been working. WELL! haha. that is my life. mum has been topping up my car and cashcard im topping up myself. i cant always depend on mum as i don’t want to burden her more. I love you mum and dad (: tho things has change so much.

Well. i don’t know whether people are reading my blog, but im just updating.

Am looking forward meeting aunt serena. she is so cool! how i wished i had an aunty like that. haha. & i wouldnt wanna get married alot of times. its sooo hard andd tired can? hahaha

Well. my goal is to wash my car once a week tho its the monsoon season. So black seh the car. Carwash no use also. waste money! haha & mum puji already saed i learn how to save money. weeee! & she don’t accept my money because she saed its not enough for me. HAHA. now the only thing i do is top up car and cash card. eat in school den off home. shopping? BARELY! thats not so me can? HAHA

well. today just came back from a midnight movie. A christmas carol. with someone. well. thanks for spending the night watching movie with me! (: its was a freaky show can? i had no one to ask except you. HAHA (:

& i’m in contact with this guy. well. known him for a yr but recently contacting. its a financial consultant guy who asked me to join his scheme. but i didnt because that time i didnt have enough to save up. Well that time i went to meet my sec lover because he had an op. so i was under his block with some of my classmates frm hyss. i called that financial guy. i told him i was beside his block and i just reached. he saed he just too. but i told him i didnt see him driving in. he told me he changed car. So i asked him ” eh! u changeed into VW eh?” he saed ” errr. no la. another car. BMW series 3.” i was like ” WTF! no kidding??” he saed ” go find my car” & i went to find. COOL LA HIS CAR! hahahaha! & soon we met up at imm. went groceries shopping with me but he was busy with his bluetooth set. HAHA. just bought kn. didnt managed to ride in his new ride because i brought my car along. HAHA. well. i have no idea when is the next time imma gonna see him! hopefully soon. BUT he is busy with his work. so im not gonna disturb him. (:

Well. i shall end here! imma gonna help dad fix our electricity in the house. its down ! hahaha! GOoood nigghtt!! (:

Una carezza può essere abitata dallo stupore più emozionante e carico di creazione, ma può anche generare fastidio o dolore laceranti. Può portare ed essere gioia raccolta, inebriante piacere, vita totale, panico amore; ma anche morte o solitudine assolute.

La stessa carezza può essere dolcissima o violenta, vivificante fino alla esaltazione o devastante fino alla pietrificazione: dipende da quanta integra sia o possa essere la pelle di chi la riceve; da quanto questa persona abbia o non abbia attivato, costituito e strutturato il proprio Sé durante la relazione di gravidanza e di accudimento. È in questo periodo evolutivo che prende corpo il Sé, cioè il nucleo di fondo della personalità di un individuo. La pelle è prima la possibilità e poi la capacità del Sé di essere corpo nel mondo, comunicante con il mondo, aperto al mondo e all’alterità di tutti quegli incontri, che fanno e sono il mondo. Un Sé non bene attivato o non adeguatamente costituito e strutturato si presenterà come un corpo senza pelle o con la pelle ferita, squarciata, ustionata, che lascia il Sé in un urlo senza protezione. Allora anche la carezza più delicata e rispettosa, più tenera e stupita, più generosa e innamorata aggiungerà ferita a ferita, squarcio a squarcio, ustione a ustione, in una sofferenza drammatica e insopportabile.

Ma anche per un’altra ragione la stessa carezza può essere dolcissima o violenta, vivificante o devastante fino alla morte: dipende da quanto transitivo oppure intransitivo sia o possa essere il gesto di chi esprime e dà la carezza; da quanto questa persona sappia o possa arrivare alla alterità della persona amata. Se prima e più che intuire, sfiorare, toccare l’alterità dell’altro, la mano di chi carezza sente – soltanto o primariamente o prevalentemente – sé stessa, il proprio timore e tremore, la propria timidezza o inadeguatezza, oppure il proprio bisogno di possesso, la propria volontà di invadere ed espropriare, la propria necessità di esibire l’affetto o l’amore, di recitarli, mostrarli, senza mai poterli o saperli davvero vivere ed essere. Allora anche la carezza più espressiva e tecnicamente più ineccepibile rischia di non giungere e destinazione, di essere e restare gesto impotente, alibi d’amore, inganno di affetto e tenerezza, mero pretesto, comunicazione mai davvero attivata, che – sotto l’apparenza o l’illusione dell’incontro e del contatto – lascia nella solitudine la profondità del Sé sia di chi dà la carezza sia di chi la riceve.

Ci sono così carezze che danno corpo e carezze che prendono corpo, come se lo rubassero, lo bestemmiassero, lo devastassero, lo annullassero. Ci sono carezze che infondono anima e carezze che la spengono. Ci sono carezze che possono e sanno solleticare nel riso la pelle, incendiarla di piacere, inebriarla di passione, bagnarla di soavissimi orgasmi; e ci sono carezze che desertificano l’animo, assetano la pelle senza mai inumidirla di rugiada, affamano il cuore senza mai toglierlo e riscattarlo dalla nausea, in un gioco sadico e folle di promesse mai mantenute, di attese inesorabilmente mancate, di illusioni ossessivamente ripetute e sempre più alienanti.

Ci sono carezze più proprie dell’uomo e carezze più proprie della donna.

Le carezze di un uomo sanno o possono confermare e decidere quanto sia bella una donna, ma possono anche scavarne l’anima e lacerarne la carne. Ogni carezza di uomo sa o può confermare il Sé della donna , sa vestirlo di fecondità e spogliarlo nella identità e nella tenerezza; sa dargli bellezza, intensità, luce, acqua, vento, respiro, in un gioco, che, qualora sia libero e adulto, è il “tra” che apre il mondo all’essere e l’essere al mondo.

Le carezze di una donna sono un piccolo utero o una gravidanza ripetuta intensa, che può dare nome, corpo, vita al Sé dell’uomo, fino all’accoglienza che concepisce e al contenimento che partorisce. Ogni carezza di donna sa o può essere concepimento, gravidanza, parto, concepimento, accudimento, in un gioco che, qualora si liberi dall’infantilismo, può essere profondità d’amore, ricreante tenerezza dell’eros.

Quando è data con sapienza, la carezza di un uomo è azione di spazio e di utopia. Quella di una donna è evento di tempo e di creazione.

Quando è ricevuta, per l’uomo può essere inizio esplosivo o regressiva implosione, talora un addio o, un aborto subiti. Per la donna può essere prezioso vestito, incandescente identità, entusiasmo di speranza, sistole di fede e prodigio: oppure furto, scippo, rapina, stupro che espropria il corpo e sfratta l’anima, cancro che scava, estingue, uccide.

Okay, finally to my appointment on Tuesday.  I’m going to share shreds of the appointment, obviously super-condensed with slightly altered wording: accurate but not exact.  He really said it a whole lot better…

“Theresa tell me very brief answers about how your mother, father and Scott saw/felt about you…”  “Good.”  “Now what effect did that have on you?”
With some guidance this is what I listed on my paper their “stuff” and mine: No self worth
, No love for myself, 
Desperate, 
Illegitimate child, 
Hated.
“Very good.  Now summarize the list with one word.”
“Worthless.”

Blah.  Yucky word.  Not one I’m particularly proud of.  The worse part is that all these years I’ve been going through life feeling that way.  At times consciously but all the time unconsciously.  Therefore its been effecting me across the chess board of my life.  Since that is what I felt, I’ve been projecting it to the world and expecting to be treated that way.  Not great.

Ultimately this word became my identity: who and what I believed I was
Which became my persona: What I believe, feel, my emotions, thoughts…
Then it became my mask:  my hiding behind my beliefs, feelings, emotions, thought…

The mask was always:  KEEPing me from getting what I wanted,  KEEPing me from seeing my good,  KEEPing me only having minimal success or from any success at all, caused me to make wrong decisions, and kept me from peace, happiness, joy, and self-worth.
Shut up, in the Keep*.
Imprisoned in the iron mask.
Cut off.  Trapped, since I was young, in a pit that held me in it’s depth .  It was so deep that when I looked up all I could see was the darkness of the sky.  But thankfully, always, there were the twinkling of stars urging me to come forth.  And I wanted to.  But the sides were porcelain smooth and no ladder like handles protruded it’s glassy sides to provide a way of escape.  All I could do was reach.  Never knowing that the way out was always right there in my grasp: removing the mask.

In order to remove the mask I had to first see it.  Really see it.  Not just mouth the words: “I can, more times than not, feel worthless.”  No, the iron that shaped my suffocating mask had to materialize so I could see it’s every pore and divot.  See the poxed impressions it was making into my skin.  Threatening to permanently brand me.  I had to have eyes to see it.

The journey to vision has been arduous and very “Wonderland,” as explained in the last post.  Over the years I’ve: worked on my issues, they’ve been tough to see and tough to kick, come to see startling revelation and more painful truths of my what my parents were really like when I was growing up and as well as my ex then I already saw on my own, had to come to see the effect it played on me.  The process has been very “backwards.”  And well it should have been.  I had to tear myself down in order to get to the foundation.  Private coaching sessions, classes, meditation CD’s, meditation, prayer, and books galore.  Tears and pain.  Frustration and Fear.  Anger and rage. Depression, hurt, and confusion.  And all sand castles had to be swept out to sea. I had to come out of my “Matrix.”

It’s all taken some time, but One shouldn’t wake up too fast it may kill them…

But it’s returning to me a life and clarity.  Both my birthright.  Everyone’s birthright.  But for some like me, and likely many of us, it was beaten out of us mentally and physically by our parents, before it ever had the chance to burst forth into blossom.  Crushed in it’s bud state.

Now my mask has materialized.  I’ve begun to rip it off.  Because now I really can.

Will the real Theresa Jane please stand up???  Well, finally she is beginning to…

Theresa Jane
-*Keep:the dungeon of a castle.  Interesting eh?
One more post to go… But for now…what are your masks?  I urge you to follow your white rabbit, to see what you’ve been missing, whats been there all along.  It’s blocking you from having a real life and keeping you locked with “sloppy logic.” And the clock keeps ticking…

Maybe you’ve noticed a prevalence in my blog for posts about VH1’s Tough Love, with Steve Ward. I almost neglected to write this, as this is not a free-publicity-for-VH1 blog. I will say, however that the reports from my cohorts (I no longer have cable) of this season’s Tough Love 2 were extremely disappointing.

Tough Love is a show that bases itself around the words and wisdom of a man by the name of Steve Ward. An attractive male matchmaker whose sometimes brutally honest bits of truth are hard to swallow by his otherwise clueless compatriots.

I longed to be on this show. Having watched the man do nothing short of rehabilitate several wack jobs, I decided I wanted in on the action. I wanted to be told that I was/am able to love and all those sappy things that come with therapy but from a much more lovely individual who could also find me a quality boyfriend.

So I applied. I blogged. I waited. No avail. Tough Love rejected me, ironically enough. The show I wanted to prove to me that I would not always be rejected, rejected me. No time to dwell on that however. For this is one of the jems of joy they cast in my place.

Rocky.

Rocky, whose legendary weave made history as she continued to proclaim it as real hair despite sitting at the bottom of a drain.

Rocky, who may be one of the worst stage parents of the world. Rocky, whose leather-like skin, boobs of unmistakable fakery and lips of collagen consistency make her resemble a walking taxidermist’s experiment.

Rocky. I got rejected for Rocky.

Forget you, VH1. For a moment there I had actually deluded myself into thinking that you were actually trying to help women.

‘If a women walks into a room and people say, “Oh what a marvellous dress”, then she is badly dressed. If they say, “What a beautiful women”, then she is well dressed.’ – Coco Chanel

Today, at around noon Eastern time, I realized some stuff about myself. I usually try to not bring my own personality up in conversations, but Ryan and I were talking and I realized:
I am lazy, batshit insane, and a lie.
Laziness has always been the accusation my parents level at me whent they find me writing or drawing instead of being an industrious little daughter and washing dishes. Or studying. My excuse for nearly all my life has been that I’m smart enough to get by without studying (and that did work for a few years), but that is rapidly becoming a fabrication.
I am batshit insane because you kind of have to be (at least a little) to survive here. We’re stuck here on island, without outside contact besides telephones, the internet, and airplanes. Everyone knows nearly everyone. It drives you nuts.
I am a lie for several reasons. Firstly, I am a bit of a natural-born actor; I was acting like other people since preschool. I tend to take bits of people’s personalities and add them to my own in order to maybe seem like a better person. Sometimes it works, other times my mother says “stop that attitude” and strips the persona away. I am weak and frightened without my masks. I have never been a strong-willed person. I like to make others happy.
But sometimes I can’t find the right mask.

Ciao.