You had a post back in August on your Web blog called “Another Classic LP: Philip Farkas, French Horn Solos.” In this blog you wondered when this recording was made. I think I can shed some light on the topic. I was a high school student back in the late 60′s and Philip Farkas was my “horn” hero. I lived, breathed, and digested his book “The Art of French Horn Playing” and anything I could find or read about him. My biggest desire was to go to Indiana and study with him. I lived in Texas at the time and ultimately couldn’t afford the out-of-state tuition at Indiana. I wound up studying with Anthony Brittin at Texas Tech which worked out very well for me.

Anyway, during those high school years I wrote many letters to Philip Farkas. He was always very prompt about sending a reply back, faithfully typed out on his typewriter. Being somewhat of a “Pack Rat,” I saved all of these letters and recently pulled them out of storage. I am attaching PDF copies of two of the letters I received from him regarding his recordings. I hope you enjoy them as they are a peek back in time at one of our great all time horn players and teachers. In the first letter, dated in 1966, he admits he had done no recordings at that point but hoped to some day. The second letter, dated in 1968 during my freshman year at Texas Tech, he makes some very interesting comments about the difficulties he encountered trying to record “French Horn Solos.” I had apparently just received my copy of the record and wrote to congratulate him.

So based on the dates of these two letters, I think it is a pretty good bet to say this record was made sometime during late 1966 or sometime in 1967. I think you will enjoy the record even more after you read the circumstances he describes surrounding the making of this particular record.

Pretty interesting stuff!  I am indebted to Mr. McIlroy for allowing me to share his letter as well as the following memorabilia.  Here are the two letters he received from Philip Farkas, the first one apparently written before he recorded the solo album, and the second one not long after.  In a follow-up email, Ron also included some additional letters which pinpoint the recording date as sometime between March of 1967 and February of 1968, as well as some candid photographs he took of Farkas at the 2nd IHS Workshop held on the campus of Florida State University.  The first image is at the beginning of this post, and the second is included below the letters.

I definitely agree with Ron’s comment that I will “enjoy the record even more after you read the circumstances he describes surrounding the making of this particular record.” One other thing I’ve noticed reading these letters, and other correspondences (published in Nancy Jordan Fako’s book Philip Farkas and His Horn), is the warmth and concern Farkas had not just for his students, but for others as well.  His genuine interest in the lives of other people comes through despite the formal tone of these letters, and I think this is a characteristic we all could use a bit more of nowadays.  I hope you enjoy reading these letters as much as I have.  Thanks again Ron!

“Nothing lasts forever. Things change. We change.”-Sorcha, Radiant Shadows by Melissa Marr.

Change is the only constant, is what I’m finding out. Sometimes, people change and you need to break away. I’m contemplating doing that, because I feel very emotionally distant from someone I thought was more than a best friend—she was my soul-sister. And yes, I’m talking about my friend Anne.

Y’know, it’s difficult and I’m not entirely sure what to do. So I figured I’d blog, as it will help me heal this festering wound inside my soul. Writing, for me, is therapeutic. But sometimes, there are no words for the emotions swirling inside of my soul. But I have to try and express them all the same.

What happened is this: she met a guy. I didn’t think anything of it until we met up for coffee on her birthday. That’s when things started going to downhill, and fast. During the course of the day, she admitted to me that the guy had flipped the hell out when he saw her tarot cards lying around her house (he had come over to practice guitar with her) and said that he thought they were evil. And not just tarot cards, but the Harry Potter novels and Paganism too. Apparently, his parents are one of those uber-religious fanatic types, or so she hinted.

Cue me boggling, as up until then, she was Pagan, too. I asked “Err, well, how does that work? You’re Pagan.” and she got quiet and sort of distant. “Well, my beliefs are not set in stone.”

I blinked. “Okay, well, be that as it may, Hillary and I are open about our spirituality on Facebook. If he truly believes it’s evil, what does he think of us?” Again, she got really quiet and seemed uncomfortable with my line of questioning, but maybe it’s just me.  “Oh…well…errr..I’m sure he knows you’re nice. He’s met you before, he knows you’re not crazy.”

Alarm bells sounded in my head. I’m down with all religons (and yes, even Christianity) but I don’t like fundamentalists of any kind-not even Pagans, and yes, I’ve seen some. It’s scary.  But I didn’t say anything, and the topic changed to what we want in boyfriends and such.

“When I see a hot guy, all thoughts of standards fly right out of my head” is what she told me after I mentioned how for me, it’s important to have some sort of set of standards. I nearly spit out my coffee, because that’s not really a good thing to do. And considering she’s been hurt before by the player/jerk type, I thought she would’ve at least figured out what she’s looking for in a boyfriend.

Again, I didn’t say anything but that really worried me. But she’s young, so I let it go. Then, when we were shopping, I mentioned she could pay me back for the Energy ticket next time, as long as it’s before the show. See, I spent $80 on 4 tickets for the show I saw on Saturday-it was supposed to be me, Hillary, Fran, and Anne. Then the guy asked her to the show, so I had an extra ticket. Anne said she’d reimburse me for the original ticket, so whoever I gave the ticket to, essentially got a free ticket. I asked Rebecca, as she wasn’t sure she wanted to go—she prefers the smaller, acoustic shows. ‘Becca said yes, and it was all good.

Well, when I brought it up, Anne got snotty with me and refused to pay. “Why should I pay?” Is what she said. I nearly fell over, and I was annoyed because now I had to ask Rebecca to pay for the ticket, when in all honesty, Anne should’ve coughed up the dough. She put me in a very nasty position with Rebecca, because how do you explain that the ticket isn’t free anymore because Anne doesn’t want to pay because she, essentially, has a date? That is not cool at all. Needless to say, when I went home I was very angry. Luckily, Rebecca is a classy sweetheart and paid me back, but she shouldn’t have had to.

I felt I needed some time away from Anne, because that was a very rude move. I talked it over with Evy, and she said to talk to her. Anne was thinking along the same lines and texted me saying she wanted to talk.

Now, I did a little poking around on the guy’s Facebook account and I noticed he seemed very misogynistic. There’s a quote he posted that’s not fit for polite company, but it essentially said that girls who sleep around are “sluts” who just use sex for money. Again, between that, the fact he jumps from relationship to relationship and his general immaturity, the alarm bells sounded. He reminded me a bit of Phil, the lifeguard who is way too self-absorbed and is cheating on the girlfriend “he wants to marry.”

So we talked, and I discussed my concerns about her and my concerns about him. Didn’t do much good-denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, let me tell you. She waffled a bit and tried to play it off like his parents weren’t uber religious types and he wasn’t all “oh no, Paganism and Harry Potter is evil” but I’m not sold. It sounded like she was doing damage control, to be honest. I brought up the misogynistic comment and Anne got quiet. Then she insisted it was for his ex, “who was crazy”. Uhhh…if he’s posting that about his ex, that’s a big ol’ red flag. What will he say about her if they ever break up, y’know?

Then…the kicker. She lied to me about what happened with the jerk of a guy she met in Berlin and dropped a bombshell: she’s not Pagan. She’s atheist. I sat in shock, because how do you go from believing in the Divine to…not? That makes no sense, but I’d bet money it’s because of the guy.

And it also means that all the Pagan conversations we’ve had…were either exaggerated or flat out lies. And that shook me to my bones, because I take my spirituality very seriously. I can’t believe she’d lie about something like that or make things up…especially knowing how much it means to me.

I felt, in essence, that I couldn’t trust her. And it’s funny-Evy had remarked to me once that Anne was vain. I didn’t see it then, but I do see it now. And I feel used, because she would’ve never have met John (the guy) if I didn’t bring her to the Energy’s acoustic show. Was she just using me to meet a guy? Was she just going along with the Pagan beliefs until she found something/someone “better”? I don’t know, and I’m not entirely sure I want to know.

But I feel disappointed, too. You shouldn’t ditch friends for a boyfriend (they’re dating now, by the way) and you should have self-respect and stand up for what you believe in. You don’t have to get crazy about it, but still. It scares me how she’s so willing to date a good-looking bloke “just because he’s hot” and how willing she is to ditch a spirituality just because her new boyfriend doesn’t like it. That’s not cool, and I feel if you do that, you’re a very shallow and vain person. And I really would prefer to not hang around those types. It’s not the sort of energy I want in my life, you know?

Things were okay with us for a bit, but to be stupidly honest, I felt as if I couldn’t trust her and I felt very uncomfortable around her. I told her point-blank I would really not like to be around John, because he believes my spirituality is evil and I don’t want to be around that sort of person. I thought she was fine with that, but I guess not.

Saturday night, at the show, she tried to come up to say hello after the show. Had it just been her, by herself, I would’ve been fine with that. But she was dragging the boyfriend and was basically like “Oh hi!” in this falsely perky voice and tried to shove the boyfriend into my face.

Considering how stressed out I was from earlier and the fact that I really, really don’t like being cornered or feeling threatened, my mind froze and shut down. Now, I really could’ve handled this better, but again-I was stressed, so I snapped.  “Hi.” I said in a flat voice and immediately turned away to look at the merchandise stand, letting her know I was not cool with what she just pulled. I saw her look puzzled, and then she took John and started talking to other people.

She also grabbed Hillary during the opening acts and started pumping her for information—“Is Amanda pissed at me?” “I don’t know, I don’t get involved.” “I think she’s pissed at me.”

And at that point, I wasn’t. I was fed up and mistrustful of her, and not thrilled that they were there, but I was content to just wave hello and let both of us do our thing and chill with our respective groups, you know?

If she thought I was pissed at her, then she should’ve texted me or came up by herself and talked it out with me, not shove her boyfriend in my face when I clearly stated I don’t feel comfortable around him or pump my friends for information. That’s not cool and it’s not right.

I got a text from her on Sunday: “Hey, sorry I didn’t find you earlier during the show; I didn’t mean to be rude or anything but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to hang out or not. I hope you had a good time, I think it was one of their best concerts yet! Btw, your eye makeup looked absolutely fantastic!”

It just annoyed me because really? REALLY?! I made it very clear on where I stand on my thoughts with John, and you shove him in my face and go behind my back to bug my friends for information when you should’ve contacted me BY YOURSELF.

Best concert yet? Girl, don’t even make me laugh. She didn’t give a rat’s arse about the Energy, she just went because of me. And now she’s a big fan of them? Give me a break. Posers annoy me.

Ughhh. It was just a totally false attempt at flattery and she didn’t even admit that what she did was wrong. I just responded “thanks” and left it at that.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with her. I don’t want her sort of energy in my life and I don’t trust her anymore.  How do you heal those broken shards? You can’t. Personally, I was hoping we’d naturally drift away due to her going to graduate school, but I guess I might have to take a stand. I hate doing that, though.

But…if I have to, I will. Unlike her, I stand up for myself and for my friends and my beliefs. This may break my heart, but…I do what I have to do.  She can make excuses until she’s blue in the face, but the facts of the matter are thus: once this ends with John, she’ll be my “BFF” until the next guy comes along and she re-invents herself once more and ditches me.

I’ve been through this whole song and dance with the Other Amanda before and I’m not going through it again. If you aren’t mature enough to balance friends and a romantic relationship nor have enough maturity to respect someone’s wishes when they say they don’t feel comfortable around a person and would prefer to not be around them, then something’s wrong and you should take a good look around and try to fix that.

Sometimes, things fall apart and the only thing to do is cut your losses and leave. I’ll be 25 years old in March, do I really want to be friends with someone who only hangs out with me when it’s convenient for her and who I can’t trust?

I think it’s time to do a little soul-searching and figure out what sort of people I want in my life and what I don’t want.

You have so many relationships in this life

Only one or two will last

You go through all this pain and strife

Then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast

And they’re gone so fast

So hold on to the ones who really care

In the end they’ll be the only ones there

When you get old and start losing your hair

Can you tell me who will still care?

Can you tell me who will still care?-Hanson, “MMMBop”

Amanda over and out.

January 15: Chamber Arts Brass Trio performance at the Big XII Trombone Conference, Texas Tech University

February 19: Horn Quartet Performance at Northwestern State University of Louisiana

February 22: Chamber Arts Brass Trio Recital

March 4-6: Southeast Horn Workshop, Appalachian State University

March 22: Faculty Recital, Music for Horn and Guitar

Additional performances with the Monroe and Rapides Symphony Orchestras.

I’ll be posting more about these events in the future, but two events which I’m particularly excited about are the Southeast Horn Workshop, where I’ll be performing a newly written piece for solo horn by William Withem, an old college classmate, and now an established composer.  Later that month I’ll be collaborating with guitarist Daniel Sumner for a recital of music for horn and guitar.  Horn and guitar is an unusual combination, and there is some really cool music for this instrumentation.  We also hope to premier on this recital a new piece for horn, guitar, and piano by Mel Mobley, Associate Professor of Theory and Composition at ULM.

To close out this first post of 2011 I’ll share an inspiring story I recently heard about on NPR.  The story, titled “Amid Unrest, Juarez Symphony Orchestra Plays On,” opens with this line.

It’s been a rough couple of years in Juarez. Known as the murder capital of Mexico, Juarez is plagued by drug-related violence and organized crime. A quarter of the population is estimated to have fled, and thousands of businesses have closed. This year, the city even canceled its Independence Day celebration for the first time ever.

But the Juarez Symphony Orchestra plays on to grateful audiences that choose violins as a refuge from violence.

The article is well written, and yet another testament to the power of the arts to uplift and empower in even the most difficult of situations.

I was thinking today what I would do (differently or the same) if I was given a chance to be “re-inserted” – to use the Matrix term – at some point in my life and to “start over”. After much thought, I came to the conclusion that I would like to start over at the age of 20 but to mix things up a bit I would like that to not be when I was ORIGINALLY 20 but to be 20 as of NOW. Possible? Why not…If parallel universes exist then it should be feasible. I would like to start with a clean slate – that is, to meet, interact, etc. with a whole new set of people and see how that goes. It’s not that I don’t like my life the way it is now (and, frankly, who really does 100%), but more that I would wonder what if….

By starting out in current time, I would be given a chance to see and experience how technology, etc. would evolve over the next 30-50 years or so and that, to me, would be awesome! Now the naysayers would chime in that I would not be able to interact with the people that have been in my life up till that point and that would be, in some cases a bad thing and I would agree with them. For example, if there were children, spouses, parents, etc. True enough, but the whole idea about “starting over” is just that – starting over. Now I can’t claim to know all the ramifications of this as I’m not versed in theoretical philosophy. What possibilities do exist? What laws of the universe, or universes are there that are unyielding? Are those laws that we hold to be true in fact, not constant in all existence? It kind of reminds me of a recurring thought that I have had for eons and that is – “if you can think it, it has already been done”…similar to the possibility of infinite timelines across infinite universes.

This post is only a starting point, both for discussion and for self-introspection. I will come back to this post from time to time and may add more points to it, and as well I welcome discussion on this by any and all.
Now, of course, we come to the concept of paradox. If one changes history, that supposedly creates a paradox. Now I could see that happening in one particular timeline, but what about another timeline? One which would include what has been changed, or thought about being changed. I see that as going back to my previous point about there being infinite timelines across infinite universes. So it would seem to me that the theory of paradox would not necessarily extend to ALL universes.

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV

As an analyzer myself I found Bruce’s posts insightful and logical. Although I may not think about my own embouchure function in exactly the same terms as he describes, as a teacher I am always interested in different approaches to the instrument.  Recently the brass blogging world has been buzzing with numerous comments regarding the topics covered in these posts, including a related post by Julia Rose (Associate Principal Horn of the Columbus Symphony), and multiple comments on Part IV of Bruce’s series.  To wrap up this summary – I feel a bit like a sports reporter giving the “blow-by-blow” details – Bruce has posted a follow-up article addressing, among other things, the concept of horn playing being a “natural” act.   In true blogging fashion, reading and attempting to digest these various points of view has encouraged me to focus my own thoughts, and attempt to get at least some of them down in writing.  The following are some of the main points that came to mind for me as I read (and re-read) this material.

I think that one can consider horn playing a “natural” act, but only up to a certain point. After all, our muscles are designed to contract, our lungs to inhale and exhale air, and our lips and oral cavities to form various shapes.  Beyond that point, however,  I think the instinctual side of things has to be refined through training and at least some analysis. Of course the balance between instinctual and analytical playing will vary from player to player, teacher to teacher, and situation to situation.  In short, I think there is a place for both paradigms, and honestly I don’t think they are mutually exclusive.

Dr. John Ericson (and I’m sure others as well) have written about this issue – but I think it bears repeating as it seems to come up inevitably in any discussion of brass pedagogy.  As teachers we often come up with little phrases to prompt students, often substituting a few words for what is in reality a series of complex physical and mental processes.  For instance, one might tell students “when playing in the low range, think x, and when playing in the high range think y,” and so on.  Many prominent teachers use these types of phrases, and they have been proven to be very effective for a large number of students.  However, they may not in fact accurately describe what is happening with the embouchure/airstream/throat, or whatever.  Now, the real question is – does it matter?  If thinking x in the low range (for example) works, is it really necessary to understand in detail exactly what is going on to produce a strong, reliable, and in-tune low register?  For day-to-day playing and teaching, maybe not, but I think this kind of research, if you will, is important to our field, and helps drive future developments in pedagogy, like new method books, etude collections, etc.  Without experimentation and trial and error, we risk stagnation as performers and teachers.

Does this mean we should change mouthpieces once a month, or try different techniques just for the sake of it when our current practices have already proven successful?  Absolutely not – but I do think it is important to constantly evaluate our current methods and paradigms, if for no other reason than to reinforce our own ideas about what works for us and our students.

With goal setting the recruits were taught to set goals in extremely short chunks. For instance, one former Navy Seal discussed how he set goals such as making it to lunch, then dinner. With mental rehearsal they were taught to visualize themselves succeeding in their activities and going through the motions. As far as self talk is concerned, the experts in The Brain documentary made the claim that we say 300 to 1000 words to ourselves a minute. By instructing the recruits to speak positively to themselves they could learn how to “override fears” resulting from the amygdala, a primal part of the brain that helps us deal with anxiety. And finally, with arousal control the recruits were taught how to breathe to help mitigate the crippling emotions and fears that some of their tasks encouraged.

This very simple four step process increased their passing rates from 25 percent to 33 percent, which is excellent in a rigorous program as theirs. It demonstrates that achieving success doesn’t always have to be a complex process. A few minor additions and tweaks may be all that is needed.

Obviously we don’t need to spend too much time discussing how these tactics can be applied to performing artists.  We sometimes encounter these same feelings of stress and negative self-talk in our own careers. Even though the actual scenarios for musicians are vastly different from those of Navy SEALS in training, our responses to mental and emotional strain certainly feel the same.  And besides, if it works for Navy SEALs (and it does), it might just be beneficial for horn players!  If you are interested in finding out more about mental toughness training, check out the numerous books, articles, and websites out there. Chances are you will find some great tips and strategies to apply to your own discipline.

I’ll be taking the next few days off from blogging for the Thanksgiving Holiday, and I wish everyone safe travels and an enjoyable time with their families, friends, etc.

Yet yesterday I realized I am special as an Angel.
I have talents, a big heart and I’m often am too stubborn…
I realized that if some people love me and other’s don’t it probably means that I am still “just” human…

Because I am unique and not everybody likes me…
Because I am one of a kind and not everyone can handle that.
I can handle the world, all I have to do is live it.

I am often alone and that is fine,
Someone always catches me in time…
Apparently I am worth caressing, worth keeping dear…

There is no guide or map to th right future,
the future won’t even pause long enough for me to make one.
But that’s all OK, because I am not an ordinary girl,
and you are not my ordinary friend…

“Autotelic is a word composed of two Greek roots: auto (self), and telos (goal).  An autotelic activity is one we do for its own sake because to experience it is the main goal…Applied to personality, autotelic denotes an individual who generally does things for their own sake, rather than in order to achieve some later external goal.

Of course no one is fully autotelic, because we all have to do things even if we don’t enjoy them, either out of a sense of duty or necessity. But there is a gradation, ranging from individuals who almost never feel that what they do is worth doing for its own sake, to others who feel that most anything they do is important and valuable in its own right. It is to these latter individuals that the term autotelic applies. Finding Flow, p. 117

Ok…so what does that have to do with horn playing?  Well, Csikszentmihalyi goes on to explain that autotelic people are “more autonomous and independent, because they cannot be as easily manipulated with threats or rewards from the outside. At the same time, they are more involved with everything around them because they are fully immersed in the current of life.” (p. 118) So it sounds as if an autotelic personality is one that is more often than not switched on, plugged in, and fully engaged in whatever is happening.  And if our ultimate goal as artists/musicians/teachers is to communicate with those around us, then it stands to reason that the more engaged and in tune we are with our surroundings, the better we’ll be at communicating. And although being autotelic does tie in to overall happiness,  Csikszentmihalyi points out that “It is not enough to be happy to have an excellent life. The point is to be happy while doing things that stretch our skills, that help us grow and fulfill our potential.” (p. 122)

Another way to think about it is to consider daily practice habits.  If we want to improve, we must put in the hours, but that time doesn’t have to turn into a daily grind.  Whether it’s practicing excerpts, etudes, long tones, range, or whatever, we can turn that time into a chance to have an optimal experience, flow, in other words.  By attempting to be fully engaged in whatever it is you are doing, not only will that time be more productive, but you’ll feel better after it’s finished.  I fully recognize that this isn’t always an easy task, and that sometimes we find ourselves in situations we would rather not be in – but consider this last quote from Finding Flow – “Many of the things we find interesting are not so by nature, but because we took the trouble of paying attention to them.” (p. 128)  For me, that means that the next time I find myself bored with Kopprasch, or bored in rehearsal, I need to remember that it might not be because those things are inherently boring, but rather because I am not paying enough attention.

What is common to such moments is that consciousness is full of experiences, and these experiences are in harmony with each other.  Contrary to what happens all too often in everyday life, in moments such as these what we feel, what we wish, and what we think are in harmony.

These exceptional moments are what I have called flow experiences.  The metaphor of “flow” is one that many people have used to describe the sense of effortlessness action they feel in moments that stand out as the best in their lives. Athletes refer to it as “being in the zone,” religious mystics as being in “ecstasy,” artists and musicians as aesthetic rapture. Athletes, mystics, and artists do very different things when they reach flow, yet their descriptions of the experience are remarkably similar. (p. 29)

If you play the horn long enough, you will most likely have at least a few of these “flow” experiences – a special concert or recital, a breakthrough lesson or practice session, etc. – but the question is how can we create situations or circumstances in which flow is more likely to occur?  Maybe it isn’t possible to experience flow every day, but I think it’s certainly worthwhile to try! Csikszentmihalyi goes on to list some conditions which are conducive to flow.  As you read through his list, consider how they might apply to your own everyday (and not so everyday) endeavors.  I’ve offered a few comments after each quote to show one possible way to encourage these scenarios and conditions to happen.

1) “Flow tends to occur when a person faces a clear set of goals that require appropriate responses.” (p. 29)

During a given amount of practice time, set a specific goal for yourself, even if it means only working on a few phrases (or measures) at a time. Be realistic about the amount of work you can accomplish in an hour, thirty minutes, etc. Set goals for yourself over the long term as well – these could be upcoming solo performances, orchestra concerts, or auditions.  Also consider a long term summer practicing project in lieu of, or in addition to, preparing for a recital.

2) “Another characteristic of flow activities is that they provide immediate feedback.” (p. 30)

Use a digital recorder, mirror, video camera, etc. to get immediate feedback about your playing.  Ask positive, but critical, questions about every note, phrase, and nuance.

3) “Flow tends to occur when a person’s skills are fully involved in overcoming a challenge that is just about manageable.  Optimal experiences usually involve a fine balance between one’s ability to act, and the available opportunities for action. If challenges are too high one gets frustrated, then worried, and eventually anxious.  If challenges are too low relative to one’s skills one gets relaxed, then bored.” (p. 30)

This one pretty much speaks for itself, but one area where I think this is particularly applicable is choosing recital repertoire.  You want to choose music which is challenging, but that can also be prepared to a very high level in the given amount of time before the performance.

4) “When a person’s entire being is stretched in the full functioning of body and mind, whatever one does becomes worth doing for its own sake; living becomes its own justification.” (p. 32)

This one is a bit more big picture than the rest, but I think it is just as important in our everyday lives. We all have various motives for doing what we do, and in the case of musicians and other artists, the financial rewards are quite often not at the top of the list.  It is important to periodically evaluate our own motives for pursuing music, horn playing, or whatever.  Do we do it just for the paycheck?  What about for the prestige, or positive feedback we get from friends, colleagues, and family?  Or do we do it just for the sheer joy of it?  Of course your answers to these questions may vary from day to day, or even hour to hour, but overall I think it is quite comforting to know that despite all of its challenges, setbacks, and frustrations, we are involved in a particular career/avocation/hobby because it is something we truly enjoy. For more great information on the subject of flow, you should of course read Csikszentmihalyi’s books, but also check out Jeffrey Agrell’s excellent article titled “Archery, Csikszentmihalyi, and What’s Really Important, Anyway?” in the May 2003 issue of The Horn Call.

Dealing with Performance Anxiety
Nervousness or performance anxiety affects anyone who cares deeply about what he or she is doing, but rather than becoming a barrier to successful performances, the added adrenalin this excitement brings can add energy and focus to our playing.

Prepare to the utmost of your ability.
The most confident players are those who are the most prepared.  Make sure that you can tell yourself before a performance that you have put in the necessary time and done everything possible to work a piece of music up to a high level.  There will always be sections of music that you worry about more than others, but make it your goal to practice those sections until they become old friends.

Put things in perspective.
Remember why you perform – to share music with others!  A less than perfect performance (or rating) does not mean that you are a failure, simply that there were elements of your performance which needed improvement.  It is also helpful to remember that there are no mistakes, only pieces of information.  Every performance is an opportunity for improvement.

Take your time.
Our sense of time tends to speed up in performance situations.  What seems like an endless stretch of time is usually only a few seconds.  Before beginning to play, make sure that you are comfortable (sitting or standing), and that your music is arranged properly (open pages if necessary).  Empty your horn completely of all condensation, and make eye contact with your accompanist.

Focus on the music, not the notes.
It is important to remember that we must go beyond playing individual notes and create real phrases in our performances. Quite often we deliver our most accurate performances when we are not focused on just getting the notes, but are instead going after each phrase with a definite goal in mind. Coming up with simple one or two-word phrases to get in character for a specific solo or passage is a fun and useful way to improve accuracy and overall musicality.

Practice getting in the zone.
This tip is one of the more elusive concepts to describe, let alone teach. Professional athletes, musicians, and many other people who perform consistently at a high level have described the sensation of losing themselves in the task at hand, to the point where everything else fades into the background. Although there is no one quick and easy way to find this state of mind and body, numerous authors have written brilliantly on the subject.  See below for a brief suggested reading list.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Harper Perennial, 1990.

Farkas, Philip. The Art of Musicianship. Rochester, NY: Wind Music Publications, 1976.

Gallwey, W. Timothy. The Inner Game of Tennis. Random House, 1974.

Q. Do you consider yourself as a forerunner in the advanced musical trends derived from jazz?

A. There were many wonderful musicians who established themselves and the word “jazz” many years before my time. “Jazz” is only a word and really has no meaning. We stopped using it in 1943. To keep the whole thing clear, once and for all, I don’t believe in categories of any kind. (p. 36)

Q. Do you enjoy composing music, or do you prefer performing? And have you a magic formula for attracting audiences?

A. I like any and all of my associations with music — writing, playing, and listening. We write and play from our perspective, and the audience listens from its perspective. If and when we agree, I am lucky. (p. 37)

Q. Can you sense when something special is beginning to happen at a concert or on a record session?

A. When one is fortunate enough to have an extremely sensitive audience, and when every performer within the team on stage feels it, too, and reacts positively in coordination toward the pinnacle, and when both audience and performers are determined not to be outdone by the other, and when both have appreciation and taste to match — then it is indeed a very special moment, never to be forgotten. (p. 37-38)

Q. Who is the artist accountable to?

A. If artist he be, to himself. It is prostitution to sway or bend to money, or to the many other forms of advancement. (p. 39)

Q. If the work week of the foreseeable future is appreciably shortened, how do you think the cultural arts will fit into this kind of lifestyle?

A. People who make a living doing something they don’t enjoy wouldn’t even be happy with a one-day work week. (p. 40)

Q. When you don’t feel like performing, as must sometimes happen, how do you psyche yourself into doing a first-class job?

A. I have no preferred conditions for doing what I do for a living. I love it all, all of the time. (p. 41)

Q. What does America mean to you?

A. It’s where I was born.  It’s home. Its music world has been an extremely competitive scene, and that in itself incites drive. Without competition you wouldn’t have it. Then I’ve been very lucky in America.  I’ve been allowed to live well, and in many instances I’ve been spoiled. My friends and relatives live well, too. I’ve learned a lot there, where there are so many great musicians to learn from. Opportunity and luck are so important. You have to be in the right place at the right time. A gambler in a lucky streak can’t get lucky unless he’s shooting dice or doing what he does best. (p. 44)

In addition, I believe part of the problem comes from the differing definitions of the music performance degree.  At a conservatory, I think the B.M. in performance is considered more of a professional/pre-professional degree, and is well suited to students who are already fairly certain they will pursue careers as performers.  However, at a liberal arts institution, music performance students still must take all of the other “core” requirements of any other undergraduate major; sciences, humanities, mathematics, etc.  So in that sense, a music performance degree is similar to other majors like history, philosophy, and psychology.  Undergraduate degrees in these fields don’t necessarily always lead to employment in those areas, but I don’t think that in any way lessens the “value” of those degrees.  On the contrary, the discipline and work ethic required to successfully obtain a music performance degree sets those students apart in the job field.  I have known performance majors who have gone on to law school, as well as careers in information technology, law enforcement, and education, to name a few. Ultimately, I think the choice has to be made by the individual student.  If you are currently pursuing or thinking of pursuing a performance degree, my advice is to go for it, and give it every thing you have.  Otherwise you may never realize your full potential.  Be realistic and practical about your decisions, but never sell yourself short.

For other opinions on this topic, check out the following excellent posts on these blogs.

Bruce Hembd on Horn Matters, “Dreams and Goals”

Derek Wright on Hornist’s Journey, “Think Big”

Rose French on The Business of Music, “Get the Ed Degree”

This weekend I was having a pretty severe cold and I went to cuddle with my lovely Master. We had great fun, although I was feverish and a little down… He managed to cheer me up and keep me positive. Just like his (and may I be so free to say “my”) friends. It was lovely. W & L: you are awesome people… Thank you!

At half past 8 I came to the realization my life is a big freaking mess and it needs cleaning up. There is too much bullshit going on and I am too distracted to stop it… So here goes:

It is time for a big change. Time has come to completely re-do the house and I plan to do this with my dad (my dad whom I love and despise in an equal amount)  and I want to do it fast and radically. AKA: strip the place down to bare necessities, paint, build and fix stuff and last but not least: move the crap back in, ridding ourselves of all earthly possessions that we don’t need in the process.

After years (a large part of my life so far) of problems with bureaucracy and a clutter-filled life I am sick of it. I will put me and my father to the ultimate test and my goal is to be done by Christmas…  I want a goddamn Christmas Tree, well prepared chicken out of the oven and a genuinely nice dinner with awesomely happy, positive and intelligent conversations with the people I care for most.

The timing is horrible, but as we all know: all good change comes by surprise: unexpectedly, unplanned and usually at the worst timing possible. We’ll have to make do. I hope that my friends and dear loved ones will help and support me through the upcoming horrendous months and will celebrate victory with me on Christmas Eve.

My vendetta has begun: now it is the idea to keep myself and my dad motivated to do this. Help me pray!

- Charlot Doll.

Farkas was blessed with a strong physical constitution. Despite his asthmatic condition his endurance in playing was remarkable. Sitting next to him was both a learning and at the same time a nail-biting experience, for he sometimes became quite jittery during the course of a performance. However, it was not evident in his playing. There were times when his hands shook. He commented to me once after playing an important solo, “I almost blacked out.” It was my responsibility to constantly check the count of the rest bars. Nothing was ever taken for granted, nothing left to chance. He touched the first note of a solo time and time again before the actual entrance. Some might sneer at the tactic; for him the system worked. The results were highly successful. [p.111]

Yancich later goes on to relate one instance in which this technique didn’t quite work as planned.

Farkas’s technique of touching notes was not always a fool-proof system. One of the most ominous, portentous solos facing a horn player is Carl Maria von Weber’s Oberon Overture, with its opening horn solo. It is the bane of countless players over the years throughout its many performances. The Chicago Orchestra was on a concert tour, and we happened to be in Appleton, Wisconsin for one of our concerts. Farkas must have touched the opening note of the Oberon solo a hundred times. It is second space A in the staff. When Tauno Hannikanen’s baton downbeat stroked the air, Farkas missed the note completely. It was a newly born note that defied description and duplication. At that instant the thought rushed through my brain that I could not pursue a lifetime of nervous tension over the attack of a note – there must be another way. That solo entrance has challenged some of the greatest horn players in the world. [p. 111]

In my opinion, this anecdote in no way takes away from Farkas’s legendary status as a performer and teacher; rather it makes his accomplishments that much more incredible because of his struggle with performance anxiety.  As Yancich points out, these mental and physical symptoms didn’t manifest themselves in Farkas’s playing – in spite of them, he was still able to produce. And I would imagine that experiencing and dealing with those issues made him a more effective teacher as well. Towards the end of his story Yancich also mentions that facing those kinds of pressures as a performer can make for a difficult life, and that “there must be another way.” I agree completely with this statement.  Pressures and anxiety are realities of life, especially for performers, but we can always strive to find less stressful, more efficient, and easier ways of doing and being.

When you talk to me, I can feel your words caressing my skin and how your lips touch mine. When the silence falls, you’re gone. All your truths, your loving presence, it’s gone.

That loss hits my heart, every time. It feels like you’re never going to return. Like I will never feel your hands again… Like I will never hear you say “I love you” again.

I can feel a thorn pierce my heart,
I can feel the scars ripping open,
I can feel the blood trickle on my soul…
Every time the silence falls, it’s if you will never enter the door again. I cry out in pain and I huddle up in a ball, I feel nauseas and I almost throw up.
Feverishly I sit and endure the ripping pain in my chest, after a while I zone out and can’t feel anything but a monotone sadness… And slowly I start thinking: can’t you see that I’m hurting? That I need mending?

I become angry. Angry that you won’t catch me while I am so clearly falling.  I rage, I furiously curse at the selfish bastard you are. I curse for I find you an asshole for turning away from me when I feel so low and sad.
And when I dizzily sit down from hyperventilating I realize that rational thinking differs greatly from the ramble I just yelled out.

I can’t suppress a smile and lean back. I am disappointed but it’s “coming back down to planet Earth time”. And I begin to formulate what this was really about…

This anger was not for you, this anger had nothing to do with you…
The silence is merely a trigger for ancient emotions to surface and old wounds to reopen.

You can’t help me, nor save me and neither can you mend the wounds…

These wounds have been created by the woman who also gave me the gift of life. She has not created them with the intent to scar me nor with the intent to hurt me. She has never wished this for me…
These wounds are what they call “collateral damage”.

The scars will always stay, but she’s the only one who can mend the wounds and make them closes properly… That’ll take time.

However, you can teach my psyche not to associate that pain with you… Show me that you will break the silence and pick up where we left off. Show me that you care, even though you’re not there for  while… I will eventually believe you with my heart and soul and this pain will not resurface anymore… Hopefully.

-Charlot

I fear a lot of things and those fears drove me to do all kinds of useless things to keep ‘m in check. It took me a long time to realize that it really didn’t do crap for my sense of control. Quite on the contrary… I felt less in control, impatient, angry and as if it didn’t matter what the fuck I did, it would go to hell anyway. I was only busy with what others might think of me and with how I could make it appear that I was “normal”.

I did never make a choice for myself and often I haven’t left the house to do what I was supposed to, because I was so afraid of the people out there.
I literally lost track of reality. I believed everyone knew what a failure I was and was laughing at me. I really believed that if I would go out the people only wanted to torture and kill me.
I was out of control… I was a slave to my fears and completely incapable of breaking the vicious cycle and I stayed inside. I cried for hours on a daily basis and my entire body hurt. I didn’t eat except for dinner, because I was punishing myself for my ridiculous behavior and because I didn’t have the strength to break the addiction of fear. Fear, at this point, literally made me sick. I was nauseas ALL the time, had headaches and no energy to do anything.

When my boyfriend at the time forced me out of the house I had a major panic attack. When we came home I was determined never to go out again.
And then the longing started. The longing for a normal life, for school, sports and friends and I sank into the loneliest pit of doom you can imagine.

When this guy broke up with me I was devastated, I cried for days… But it did make me realize that I had to do something, anything, to be better.
Slowly I started picking up little things and build myself up, in the beginning I was forcing myself and it took forever… But I persevered. The tiniest things cost me enormous amounts of energy, because at that point I feared everything.
It was a struggle, mostly at first. After a couple of weeks it became easier.

I learned to push through my depressions, by taking little steps… Baby-steps. I learned that everything in life was relative and that stressing out about certain things was more of a burden than the actual thing.
I began to understand my emotions and my triggers and I began experimenting with having certain approaches to them. I learned that you can convince yourself of success AND have success by taking the right approach and the right pace. I learned to rest, when I needed rest, to push through my negative and unmotivated moods and I did that all by self-reflection with my therapist and friends. And in the present I can finally say I feel in control of my life.

And now, for something completely different…

I am so in love!! Although he’s having such a rough time with getting himself up and runnin’ for the next school year, he’s a real sweetheart. I am so happy that he listens to my opinion and that we can mostly talk about it without wanting to rip each other apart… It’s a rocky start of his school year and therapy, but we’ll make it through! We are tough cookies and giving up is not something you’ll find in our manual.

In October we planned a little get away at some friends in Germany, where we can get away from all the hectic things for a short while and have some great fun with like minded people.  I am looking forward to it!

*snuggles*
Charlot

Whatever its basis, fear is unnecessary. Despite concrete fear’s basis in real danger, in can be eliminated by solving-through study and practice-the problem that is causing it. Imagined fear is also unnecessary, and can be eliminated by removing-through study or psychotherapy-the problem that is causing it. I do not wish to seem callous or flippant about the difficulties surrounding the discarding of fear. I acknowledge that this is one of the most difficult tasks we can face.

It is difficult to learn to play a soft, high note or a large slur; it is difficult to overcome a psychological problem such as poor self-image. But these and other difficulties can be overcome. We need not be resigned to fearfulness provided that we are willing to apply ourselves to problems and to obtain the aid of others when necessary. (pp. 45-46)

I also think fear and worry creep into our playing out of a need for control. We spend tremendous amounts of mental energy worrying about situations over which we have no influence, rather than spending that time finding solutions to problems in our own playing. A classic tale of this kind of situation is an orchestral audition.  Group warm-up rooms at auditions are often filled with dozens (or more) players, each trying to carve out a space amidst the cacophony.  Successfully blocking out all the noise and distractions is incredibly difficult, but it can be done, and results in a much more focused audition – assuming that the proper preparation has been done beforehand.  By contrast, players who let all those myriad excerpt interpretations disrupt their own focus (creating fear and worry) often set themselves up for failure before they ever enter the hall.

I’ll close with one more quote from Kaslow.  He makes the point that although we should strive to be fearless, we must acknowledge the reality of fear – in ourselves and in our students.

Although fear is unnecessary, fearless respect for a difficult task is appropriate: we cannot play well if we are lackadaisical. Indeed, every action we perform must be given the energy, focus, and high level of awareness that are its due. We must acknowledge that fear produces real feelings and real physical responses. Fear should be taken seriously, even as we work to rid ourselves of it. Fear felt by our students also should be acknowledged, even while we help them to overcome it. (p. 46)

For further reading and information on this subject, here is a small sampling of other resources.

David M. Kaslow, With Aspirations High: Discussions and Exercises for Musicians

Fearless Performance for Musicians with Jeff Nelson

University of Iowa Horn Studio: Resources on Peak Performance

From my era alone, the Lenoir High School Band produced the tuba player of the Minnesota Orchestra, the principal bassoonist of the Dallas Symphony, a successful New York free- lance flutist, and the first oboist of the New York Philharmonic. Another “wave” 10 years later yielded the composer in residence of the St. Louis Symphony, a percussionist with the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, a prominent North Carolina trumpeter, and a professor of clarinet at the University of North Carolina. There were dozens of others before and after—the stalwarts of the band who had more than enough talent for careers in music. Many of them remain in Lenoir, still recalling their band experiences as the most challenging and fulfilling of ! their lives. [This article first appeared in Wilson Quarterly, August 1995.]

The entire article is worth reading, and explains quite a bit more about the history of the band and the legacy which it left to music programs in the area. I remember reading horn parts in high school which were stamped with the Lenoir High School Band logo, and feeling proud and also a bit awed at being allowed to participate, even indirectly,  in such a hallowed tradition.  There is a downside to Mr. Robinson’s article, and he discusses the slow decline and eventual deterioration of the old Lenoir High School Band building – a three story complex designed specifically for the school’s instrumental music program.  However, since his article was written there has been a resurgence of interest in the old band facilities, and a campaign is currently underway to renovate the building and use it as the home for the James C. Harper School of Performing Arts, a community music school named after the Lenoir High School Band’s founder.  I know there are many other great band programs with their own legacies and traditions throughout this country, and it is more important now than ever to recognize the vitality, culture, and quality of life that these programs bring to even the smallest of communities.  If we don’t fight to keep these programs strong during difficult economic times, they may disappear completely, leaving a gaping hole in their respective towns.

Alright, enough with the gloom and doom talk.  If you’d like to hear a bit of what the Lenoir High School Band sounded like, see the clips below.  They have been transferred from an LP that my old high school band director gave me. The recording is from the Lenoir High School Band’s performance – under the direction of Captain James C. Harper -  at the 1958 North Carolina State Band Contest.  The first clip is a Sousa march, Daughters of Texas, and the second is a transcription of J.S. Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor (not sure who the arranger was).

Some people act as if worrying about something keeps it from happening. The opposite is more likely. The self-fulfilling prophecy and the placebo effect are evidence that what we expect, believe (faith?), and visualize tend to come true. The experts in tennis, golf, and the olympic athletes know all about visualization.

Sometimes we see worry as our civic duty or a parental responsibility. “Of course I worry about a nuclear holocaust, I’m a conscientious citizen.”  One mother told me, “Of course I worry about my daughter, I love her very much!” That seems to me like fear is masquerading as caring and love. It’s better to visualize what you want to move toward than to visualize what you fear and try to escape from it. Worrying is a powerful, self-defeating process. Besides, it doesn’t feel good.

So, while worrying about that audition or performance might motivate you to practice in the short term, in the long run it probably isn’t the healthiest approach.  Worrying is one of those activities which can occupy an incredible amount of our time, but in the end leave us with absolutely nothing to show for it.  The goal, then, is to stay positive, and visualize positive outcomes.  Be as prepared as possible, and let go of things which are out of your control, like other people, unforeseen situations, etc.  I’ll close with a few more choice quotations on worry from Take Charge.

Worry is a form of fear, and all forms of fear produce fatigue. A man who has learned not to feel fear will find the fatigue of daily life enormously diminished. [Bertrand Russell]

Worry affects the circulation, the heart, the glands, the whole nervous system, and profoundly affects the health.                [Charles Mayo, MD.]

Fear is an acid which is pumped into one’s atmosphere. It causes mental, moral and spiritual asphyxiation, and sometimes death; death to energy and growth. [Horace Fletcher]

Worrying is a fear-filled creative process which includes thinking about, talking about and visualizing loss, defeat, failure, trauma and chaos. It is a dangerous activity because it sets up scripts, programs and expectations which may be the beginning of a self-fulfilling prophecy. A bummer. [Wally Johnston]

I fear abandonment and bonding, those fears drive me into the claws of loneliness. If I am unaware of that I become a nasty, clingy and depressed girlfriend, it makes me perform all kinds of nasty manipulative  tricks to not feel the icy fingers of loneliness on my heart.

I have the utmost ridiculous fear of being alone, of being insignificant and disappointing people I care about. Most of the time, I manage to keep those fears in check with enough sleep, a clean body and environment, eating healthy and having a steady rhythm. It gives me the energy I need to look those fears in the eyes and say: “Fuck you, bitches! This is my life and I am not listening to you!” I literally make the choice not to listen.

Making the choice takes energy and guts… And saddest of all, it costs me time. Every day it takes me about 15 minutes to make the choice. 15 minutes of struggle…

Fears have humongous claws with big-ass nails that, given the slightest opportunity, grab and tackle me… Confuse me and render me “unconscious” so “they” can make me do stuff.
The promise “they” made me was simple: “If you do as I tell you, I will go away. If you don’t… I stay”. But that was a plain old lie. Soon I became a puppet and  I did everything to get rid of it. Fear had, at that point, formed my personality.

Everything I needed to do was: make the choice, realize that my life and body are mine to do with as I please. And then to practice what I preached.
It took loads of energy, but in time, the amount of energy it took decreases and I felt better… My struggle got less intense each time… And I still hope and pray, that eventually it’ll completely fade away.

Much love,
Charlot

I am known for my passion, mostly because of the positive aspect of it. I am cheerful and I prefer to like and love people instead of hating them. I am known for my complicated moral and for my very extreme opinion of “to each his own”.

“Very opinionated” is one of the most heard things in a description of me. I am known to be very exact in my reasoning, to draw sharp conclusions and to form a firm opinion with those conclusions.  My memory for little facts, methods of life and for how people express themselves is awfully good. I am known  to scrutinize other people’s reasons and motivations to get to the bottom of  the matter of discussion. I like to gain new insights and use them in my own future.

I am ethically challenged: I can spend hours on the question “is this the good thing to do? Or would this classify as bad?” My ethics are based upon logic, common sense, emotional impact, a hint of cynicism and a lot of defining. Yet I am highly ambivalent by nature: I want to define something to be either good or bad… If it is something in the middle I must know how it works and why it works the way it does, which basically means I dissect every aspect in life. (I think my psychologist once said something about compulsive behavior once, I don’t know why, but it seems important all of a sudden)
I have a strong moral, yet I am ethically challenged because in practice almost nothing turns out to be either good or bad.

I love to scrutinize, I think it’s part of my sadism… I love to be critical and ask you a book of questions to get a perfectly detailed picture of your opinion and the reasons behind it.  When I got something, I bite down and will never let go… I purr out of pleasure and when I have what I want (answers) I purr even louder… I can be hazardous in this condition, because if I am not careful I will steamroll over you to satisfy my own hunger for knowledge and understanding… It’s not for nothing that I was called “The Pit Bull” in middle school.

Whenever I am in a good mood (which is very often) I am just one happy girl. I love to make fun and jokes and I am capable of loving someone with all my heart. I am loud, squirmy and I love to hug an kiss. I am a physical being and I love to touch, yet I can also look like I am ready to eat you when you touch me.

I am, in all aspects, a very overwhelming girl and I tend to forget that very fast. I tend to forget I am the utmost best in wearing people out, yet I also tend to forget I wear myself out by doing all that “crap”.

90% of the time I spend being tired, I am tired because of my own thought-process and happiness, juggling those two is “just” my life’s challenge. I am happy and bouncy, yet try to maintain a high level of thoughtfulness at ALL times. I love and hate on the same page and I want to juggle the whole big mess of emotions and thoughts at the same time, all the time.
There has to be a day that I will finally accept that it’s impossible. That I have to accept that I am not super-woman and that a human is just not capable of thinking, feeling and bouncing ALL the time.

On the one hand:  balancing will be the ultimate key of success.
On the other hand: if you succeed in balancing every extreme, it would mean a lifelong boredom-sentence…
So even THAT will turn out to be a balancing act to keep it exiting… Isn’t that totally sweet?

Until I figure out what to do with this dilemma: I will keep on being the pit bull that I am: biting down into every aspect of life within reach, balancing on a high wire above “The Pit Of Doom” and purring all the way of pleasure and the severe pain in the ass that living like this means.

*dramatic music*

Oh wait..!  *dramatic pause*
I started this rant with the “truth” that I am in a good mood most of the time and that I rather love than hate. That all seems pretty healthy, right?
So if I am pretty healthy, why would I change anything apart from the “being tired of myself”-part?
Indeed! There is no reason to do so. This is one of the rare moments I completely understand and agree with Homer Simpson: “D’oh!”

*dances around and blows a handkiss to her lovely sexy boyfriend*

*stamping her feet*
NO! Thinking this much doesn’t make me depressed very often.”

The event that enforced my believe in the before given introduction.
Yesterday was very hard for my darling. He got a psychological smack in the face regarding his anxiety.
Fact is… If you want to conquer fears, you need energy and if your stress-levels are continuously elevated, you lack energy.
Fact is also that my Love’s life is a big mess. His room, schoolwork and daily rhythm is just very unstable. So, instead of facing fears and conquering them, step one is going to be: creating energy.

It was a huge disappointment and triggered a lot of anxiety to fail. He doesn’t want to fail, he’s afraid to fail and he is hugely concerned with living up to his (environment’s) expectations. That was just heartbreaking to see, yet oh-so familiar. So I put my aid-hat on…

I stepped in and sat down with him to make an overview of his fears, compulsive mannerisms, angers and most of all his goals. This was to create some logic and clarity in his overwhelming chaos of fears. I never saw someone more afraid of life, yet he was more human and real than anyone I have so far talked to about anxiety.

I must say I am not easy, I am not one for a lot of hugs and cuddles. I am about solving the issue, so I am very likely to push someone to the limit to help him, instead of confirming his role of victim. I believe in hard-ass working and then relax with praise and cuddles.

I admire my other half for his courage and strength. For pushing through his fear of failing and putting down his worst nightmares in writing. I admire his ability to push through the jungle of what ifs and maybes to write down his goals and desires for his and our future. I admire his seemingly endless motivation and willpower to end his personal nightmare.

When all things were done and over with, I was having trouble getting my aid-hat off: I was stuck in my social worker-role.  And when I said that my Love was laughing out loud. He yanked my head back by my hair and kissed me passionately… “Are you ready to be my girlfriend again, little girl?” and he stroked my cheek with his free hand. And instantly I shifted to being his girl again.

I am so happy with being able to provide him help and guidance… I am so very glad that I have experience in the field of fears and anxieties and that I can still be his girlfriend while helping him in a semi-professional way following a professional counseling method.

I am looking forward to see him make progress and in the mean time I keep working on my own little lingering issues and I see a brightly colored rainbow-ish yummy future for us.

Many cuddles, Charlot