I hope not, because if it is the rest of the year has to suck pretty badly.

Seriously, is it  normal that the flood of  ”Yay happy together with family and other loved ones!”  commercials are doing nothing but pissing me off? Happy together my ass, who is there to be together with? Family members that don’t give a shit about your personal opinion because you’re “only 16″? A bunch of 4-6 year old kids and babies that do nothing but scream all day long? Is that it? I’d much rather be alone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I really want to be alone. If I could I would spend my time with actual ‘loved ones’, but I’m afraid there’s just not really anyone that qualifies for that in my life right now. I’m not picky when it comes to friends; if they can stand my jokes and don’t laugh at me that’s a good start, but it’s obvious that you can’t just make up a standard profile for people who can or cannot be your friend. So friends are alright, but anything that surpasses friendship, that’s where it gets difficult. As if love isn’t difficult enough for the average person, try imagining what it’s like when you can’t even stand yourself. Despite really feeling the need for someone that can tell you there’s no reason to be ashamed, that there’s nothing wrong with you it’s just so incredibly difficult to believe in that actually being possible.

My parents, who should be supporting their children by believing in them, seem to have lost hope in me as well. If, not when, IF I ever get a girlfriend. They don’t think I ever will, and as you know I don’t really have a lot of faith in it either…It’s pathetic, but what others think means the world to me. If the one thing people hammered into my head when I was a child is: “You’re worthless, you’re nothing but a piece of shit,” isn’t it normal that I seek to be accepted by society nowadays? But for as long as I remain an outsider, I can’t be happy. It’s a wall in front of me that I can’t seem to climb, and yet the one thing I need to survive is behind that wall.

-Nanashi.

I am pissed off. I had a visit this afternoon from two people from the Community Mental Health Team coming to see if I was ’safe’. This is annoying me because:

1. They woke me up when I had finally just managed to fall asleep.
2. Their version of ‘safe‘ and my version of safe are completely different.
3. If I am considered not to be their version of ’safe’ then a trip to the looney bin may well be called for. Apologies for not being very politically correct with my terminology.
4. They asked me if I needed support this weekend then proceeded to tell me the only support on offer was either going into hospital or phoning someone such as the Samaritans.
5. I live in such a tiny little place that we do not have such a thing as a crisis or out of hours team.
6. I have agoraphobia. I am hospital phobic. The ‘looney bin’ is like 2 hours away.
7. It is my choice if I want to fucking die or not, it is my life. They are not the ones who have to live it. Who are they to say that attempting suicide is right or wrong?
8. I then phoned my GP asking for help with the sleep deprivation ~ crazy thoughts ~ utter exhaustion to be told again ~ hospital might be a good place for me.
9. I am safer here with my crazy thoughts than in a hospital 2 hours away, anxious as fuck in a ward full of other crazy people and my crazy thoughts. At least I can write it all down here, I doubt said looney bin even has such a thing as a wireless connection for my laptop. Probably wouldn’t let me use it anyway in-case I tried to find a ligature point for my charger wire.
10. And finally I am pissed off because I am sick and tired of intervention. If I want to die then just fucking let me do it. Let me work it out for myself. Grrr.

Anyway now I have that out my system, I wasn’t very impressed with these two women turning up uninvited. I had finally just nodded off to sleep after God knows how many hours awake and could physically do nothing other than sit and stare blankly and say “no, I don’t want any help thanks.” Because help = hospitalisation. I will do anything to avoid hospitalisation. My GP even cheerily remarked that he was sure my psychiatrist would be “very glad to have me at the hospital” – yeah I bloody bet he would.

So the plan for this evening is: relax, watch a movie or listen to some calming music. Light all my little candles and oil burner thingys and make the place smell all lovely. Take a sensible dose of Diazepam around 9/10pm and try and sleep. If, after a couple of hours, I am still going crazy, I will phone my parents and get myself to theirs for the night, just to be in a safe place whilst I’m crazy. I hate the weekends, blah. I am so damn tired. My dogs need out to pee. I can’t even manage that. I am bogging as we say here in Scotland and desperately need a shower. My greasy hair is stuck to my head. It’s too much effort to move my body off the sofa. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to sleep but I can’t.

I want to be fucking normal.

But I can’t.

Have you ever said that to someone?

You know what I mean – you’re watching someone get frustrated with a computer and they slam their hand down on the keyboard or randomly start pressing keys.  You know they aren’t going to magically make it better and THEY know they aren’t going to somehow fix things, but dammit, they’re putting the smack-down on it anyways.

If anything, it’s going to make the computer problem worse and it’s going to make things harder and now there’s a bruised hand in the deal.

People are much the same way as computers.  They have buttons.  When pressed correctly, functions that are useful but may take a bit of processing to run but the outcome is favorable.  Certain buttons cause a self-check.   Some let you look closer at the files and drivers, and some show you programming that’s running in the background.

Profound, isn’t it?

It’s also very true that if you push a person’s buttons all at once (or overplay your hand, if you like poker terminology) then not only are you going to end up with the same ole malfunction, but you’re going to have a bruised hand… and if you hit it too hard, it’s not going to work anymore.

I have a few buttons.  Quite a few.  I don’t react well to having someone slam my buttons because they’re frustrated.  For example…

1.  Call me a drug addict

This one will create instant and intense feedback.  You can accuse me of damn near anything and I’ll laugh it off.  Truth is, I’ve never done an illegal drug in my life and neither has Shaun.  Ever.  I don’t mix meds, I don’t get high, and I absolutely don’t put anything in my body that will endanger the people around me.

Now, I don’t care if you smoke dope or do whatever.  I’m not pushing my beliefs on anyone.  However, I do have children who were exposed to meth production and I’ve counseled many teens with drug problems.  I’ve seen some really shitty stuff while growing up.  One of my friends who lived near me had a step-dad who smoked and grew a lot of dope.  One day she comes home from school to find the front of his face blown off – I heard the scream from my house.  He was still alive, even after wedging a deer rifle up under his chin. I don’t feel too sorry for him – I feel really bad for HER.

This is not to say if you say “bitch, you must be high” in jest that I’m going to knock you down.  I won’t.  However, if you honestly accuse me of doing drugs, I will have some feedback for you.

2.  Tell me I make things up or that it’s all in my head

I can tell the difference between fiction and reality.  Promise.

I once had an entire set of people believing I was a boy, even though I had my gender in my profile and photos of myself online.  I can tell stories but they’re mostly see-through and hardly ever serious.

In my other life (my not a fiction author persona) I’m a good analyst and give you the data without any massaging or glossing.  Do you need a graph?  OK.  A diagram?  Got it.  Those facts aren’t changing just because they’re prettier.

And you better believe that if I’m paying YOU anything, I’m not telling you a lie.  It just makes the job harder and makes it take longer.  When I’M the client, I’m not looking for attention, for money, for fodder for my comedy act, or for whatever deal that we have to last any longer than it absolutely has to.  I want it fixed, I want it over.  I come prepared and I expect service and quality.

3.  Assume that I’m an idiot and/or assume I assume you’re an idiot

Most of the terribly smart people I know could pass as hare-brained, stupid-ass derelicts.  They do this on purpose so people won’t fuck with them like “quick, what’s 182 x 397?”  Bitch, I don’t know.  Go the fuck away – I’m trying to drink this latte and pretend I’m not trying to figure it out in my head.

This just means that I assume every random idiot I meet may just be the second coming of Albert Einstein.  That dude looked a little crazy, too.  If you’re an average, all-American stereotypical person, then good for you.  I’m going to assume you do a good job at your chosen profession because you CHOOSE to.  Doing a good job has not much to do with your IQ.  It has a lot to do with your attitude and your dedication.

In return, I like for people to assume that I’m good at what I do and that I’m not an idiot (even if they can’t tell by looking.)  I believe that I can know a little something about someone else’s profession and still not show disrespect to their skill or judgment.  It’s like I can tell when the wheel on my car is a little wobbly and I can tell you “it seems like a problem with the front driver-side wheel.”

That doesn’t mean I’m saying “I know everything about front driver-side wheel problems and I think you should take a look at the bearings, because this doesn’t sound like a brake problem.”  It also doesn’t mean that I expect you to just take my word for it and just disassemble it without driving it first.  I’m not saying “I just need a grunt to do the dirty work.”  I’m giving you my experience that I think is relevant, now it’s your turn to ask questions to discover information that you KNOW is relevant.

It furthermore doesn’t mean that because my profession line of your profile says “web related stuff” that I went to some Chevy-hater website and learned all I could about common fuck-ups.  I didn’t just look this up on the internet – if I did research its so I can get a feel for what information to present to you from MY experience in a less than idiotic manner.

Why?  Because I heard my dad say all the time I was growing up “and then she said it sounds like GRRRrrrrrRrrrSCRREEEEEAAAACH and then it felt like when the carnival ride is about to time out – you know how it gets real slow and exaggerated before it stops… then later it turned out she had a windshield wiper that didn’t work and a blown taillight.”  I don’t want to be dinner-time conversation and I don’t need everyone in the general area to look at me like I’ve grown a green spike out of my ass.

4.  Tell me that my facial expression is somehow disrespectful

Ok, you self-absorbed little shit, who are you to think my face has anything to do with YOU?  Most of the time this happens, I’ve got a migraine and I’m making the “do you smell that?  I think one of our kids just shat themselves” face.  I don’t know it because my face feels like it’s full of sand and I’m attempting to be part of normal society.

I’m not wrinkling my nose up because you walked by and I hate people who <insert characteristic you’re overly sensitive about.>  I don’t think you smell funny or that you have on stupid looking clothes or that you should rub some conditioner on your kids’ head.  Actually, I would probably think those things if I had it in me to NOTICE you. If you were walking by and you happened to be 700 lbs in hot pink spandex, I may notice you out of the group of people in the area.  I absolutely did not notice your ass who was 15 feet away from the 700 lb hot pink person but in the general line of site.  I don’t care if you were dressed in head to toe Coach patterned anything and had bright yellow cabbage patch hair done up in pig-tails – I swear I didn’t see you.

When in pain, here’s the way things are noticed:

1.  Anything in the epicenter of the pain.  If I have pain in between my shoulders, I’m not wearing a bra because it would damn near kill me.

2.  Anything that aggravates the pain.  If I have a migraine and you walk by smelling like you just bathed in a vat of peach candle scent, then I will notice you and I will vacate the area and leave you to clean up the vomit.

3.  Anything that is shoved into my face so that I’ll notice it.  That’s because people who know me know that when I get the “do you smell that?” face on know that they need to dress up in bright orange and do the chicken dance to get me to pay attention to them.

… and they have to be yelling “CYNDI, did you see that cabbage-patch headed bitch back there?”  Um, no, I didn’t.  What?  You want to take Alyssa to Babyland?  Ok.  Sounds good.  “No, I don’t mean I want to drive to Clermont – I mean did you see that girl with the yellow pig-tails?”  No… what?  Someone did that?

So, for your holiday season, just remember to be nice to your keyboard.  It doesn’t need your frustrated ass banging on it like cops on a screen door.

Those nosy people I call my family pushed it too far last night and I blew up on them. I spoiled Christmas early this year and let some dirty secrets out of the bag, oops. I tend to let things just get blurted out when provoked. Oh well, my secrets came out last year, now some payback saw the light, and I’m not sorry.

I went 11 years with virtually no contact with my parents or brother and sister, I’m not like them. A career cop, two female manipulators, and a rich ass banker. Power, control and the cash. And they think they can control me with guilt and their precious cash, but if you’ve read here much you might know I don’t give a shit about lots of money and only feel guilty when it comes to a small group of things in the romance department.

So I won’t be having Christmas with them this year. I’ll stay here and Amber and I will share it together. Which is best anyway.

On other fronts in my life, one of my non political friends is starting to open his eyes to socialism. I’ve only been working on him for 4 years now, but it took the threat of a lay off from his job to open his eyes and he’s starting to embrace the idea of revolution and the worker’s state.

Enough of that, a Christmas song for my family, (that’s sarcasm) Put up those horns! Grim Reaper, See You In Hell.

Again, the song reveals my age. But damn I still look good.

That is a fairly profound statement, as it indicates that someone has to choose you or lose you. Strongly worded, simple, and to the point.

I am no one’s second choice.

Either take that chance with me now or lose me forever.

Great Cash song/cover:

Another great one:

Chet Atkins:

Shelby Lynne w/ Sheryl Crow:

Chris “Yes, he’s Country” Isaak:

Shelby Lynne w/ Allison Moorer:

Dixie Chicks w/ Sheryl Crow:

Lucinda Williams w/ Shelby Lynne :

Can you tell that I really like Shelby Lynne?

So here is the sequence of events:

1. I buy Adonis’ band as a plain band.  Titanium can’t be resized, so before the three black diamonds were set, I needed to make sure the ring was the right size.
2. I was off by a half size on the ring so it was sent back for a smaller size and so that the ring could get the diamonds put in it.
3. We get the ring back and it is fabulous… except that the size didn’t get swapped out. The jeweler set the diamonds in the original bigger sized band.
4. We send the ring back to get done in the right size.
5. The ring comes back in the right size, great! Buuuuut it was a poorly made ring!! There were scratches and etches all around each black diamond setting and the band was dirty or of different titanium grade because it was just not as smooth and clean looking as the previous one.
6. I speak to the manager I had been dealing with and he agreed with my observations.  Then as we talked about the next steps … ONE OF THE STONES FEEL OUT OF THE RING!!! I said “Are you kidding me?! Did that just happen?!?!” He was very apologetic and said he was embarrased.

Needless to say that I refused to accept the ring and yup… it’s going back a third time.  Everything was fine up until they tried to give me that poorly made ring.  I’ll update you in another two weeks when the new ring comes in.

Part of me wants to post the text of his e-mail, but that would not be right and I am all about ethics.

Let’s just say, I should be working but am re-reading this e-mail and can’t believe he referred to me as his “coach” and tells me that this is my fault because I boosted his confidence and helped him work on his look.

I helped this man. I am not jealous or mad at the woman, just hurt and disappointed by the outcome. I deserve better.

Pepole have been talking about it, and the blog’s have been saying don’t do it!! But as many of you know the Don has his own way of doing things…. And fact of the matter speaking it doesn’t matter what people say!! So i did it anyways and went to Target and picked up one of those damn 2009 Sweet Spot Tins….. Plus a couple of blasters of Topps 206 and some cheap 2008 packs….. Now i can sit here and tell you that i was happy with what i pull but that’s a big Hell No!! At 30 bucks a pop i would make sure there was an auto in there but there wasn’t… and the Topps 206 was on the same level, 2 blasters and i didn’t even pull a Marlin?? Come on Topps….. Ya’ll are killing me over 70 bucks spent and just some base cards to show for it… Maybe i should just stick to singles, cause packs are killing me. Oh well… i can’t cry over spilled milk i just have to charge it to the game…. But really tho Upper Deck and Topps step up your game, i’m sure retail is your big money maker. Look out for those of us that buy retail cause hobby sooner or later, only the web will be the only place where we’re going to be able to pick up a box of hobby…. Word life!

Arguments can ruin a lot of things; your mood, your day, your relationship, your self-esteem. Yep, they’re pretty much all-encompassing when it comes to ruining things. Just once today I’d appreciate being asked how I felt, instead of have to be the one doing the asking.

How do I feel? Awful. How has my day been? Utterly shit.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, I think I’ll be happier once I get that goddamn Information Systems assignment handed in. I swear to God they created that module just to piss people off.

McDonalds has just went bankrupt

I HATE MOVING!! I will be moving into a new apartment this weekend. I simply hate moving I mean I can’t wait until I can purchase my own home and I can put an end to moving. I mean I love the idea of inhabiting a new space but I just do not like packing. So I am not the one to call if you need a moving buddy. Then to top it all off I will not have internet access for about 1 week. What am I going to do?? Use carrier pigeons???

I just can’t seem to get Shaniya Davis out of my mind. In case you have been under a rock for the past week, Shaniya Davis is the 5 year old girl was sold into sex slavery by her mother. I mean it is truly a sad thing. I just keep wondering what must have been going through that child’s mind in the last 48 hours of her life. Then to top it all off her body was just dumped in a wooded area. She was just disregarded like trash. I was reading an article that said 44% of all sex trafficking victims are black and furthermore 52% are black children. Huh??? What is going on in the world today? I mean all of this is overwhelming to me and I am just speechless at the moment. Good Night

So today I really pissed off my boss… well, not really my boss, rather my boss’s boss.  This can not be a good thing.  My intentions were good, I swear they were….  however, the end result was a reaming.  At least it was via email….

Tomorrow is another day and I will go into it with nothing but happy thoughts.  Tonight, I will enjoy a 5th of Crown.

College pissed me off royally today. I was in such a good mood before I went down there to sort out my money since they hadn’t put money into my bank account for my Adult Learning Grant. They hadn’t marked me in for some of my classes. Useless bastards. Even when I wasn’t actually in but called up before 10am like your suppose to they still mess things up at there end. Really annoyed me.. just trying to forget about it all now for today because I just need to chill out and focus on doing some college work in a bit.

In good news though my Rosie gave me that present she was talking about. It’s an awesome Modern Warfare 2 poster! ou can see a photo I took early of it here: http://twitpic.com/snwys I love it looks so perfect on my wall. Thank you Rosieee ♥ I love you! Isn’t she just the greatest girlfriend in the world? She lets me be my nerdy self haha it rocks.

I got the new 30 Seconds To Mars & 50 Cent albums today as well. Haven’t really listening to the 50 Cent one yet but the 30 Seconds To Mars one is amazing. Quite possibly their best album yet. Anyone else had a listen yet? You should check out their latest single on YouTube:

Anyway I’ve got to do some college work in a few hours so I’m going to download some music to put on my iPhone whilst the time passes. I have the urge to download some Enter Shikari as I haven’t listened to much of their music but all that I have is pretty damn good. Oh and some Hadouken. I’m loving their new single turn the lights out here’s the video:

That’s all for now anyway lurkers of my blog I shall blog again later.

the letter