NYTimes staff members prove to be stiff competition in the always-hard task of writing headlines…  In other news, fabulous erect penises.

from Gawker

 ”And before retiring for the night, please check your sleeping bag for elephants.”

Always be very careful where you pitch your tent.

I consider myself quite adept at pitching a tent. I find a patch of ground as level as possible. If there’s an incline, I place my head on the high ground. I carefully clear away rocks and check for roots. If there’s rain, I avoid obvious depressions in which water could pool. If I’m there through the day, I pitch under the shade of a tree. If it’s particularly hot, I aim the tent into any possible breeze and leave the flaps open. If I’m doing laundry, I position myself close enough to a tree or fence to string a clothes’ line. And, if anywhere particularly wild, I make sure I’m neither on migratory routes, hunting grounds, mating spots or pitched over suspicious looking holes.

In northern Zimbabwe I had a perfect spot that met all of my important criteria. I placed my tent by a tree for shade and strung a clothes’ line. Although this meant I was partially in the dead foliage that surrounded its trunk, the ground was level and there were no uncomfortable bumps. Nighttime came and I zipped up the flaps.

A few hours later I awoke to a rustling sound. I lay on my back waiting for my eyes to adjust to the soft light that was filtering through the canvas and attempted to locate the source by sound. It emanated from three sides and was a quiet but steady rustling and scratching noise. As I stared, my eyes gradually grew accustomed and there, on the outside of the canvas, silhouetted by the light, were hundreds and hundreds of giant millipedes.

Crawling and sprawling and slithering and sliding over each other. Two or three inches deep on the incline of the canvas. A heaving and writhing mass of insectitude. Even in the soft light, I could make out their millions of spindly legs, and their bobbing heads and hear their sharp little mandibles scraping against the taut canvas.

Now, I’m not especially an insectophobe. I don’t particularly like crawly things -especially when they’re in my food or crawling on my body or eating my flesh – but I don’t have massive fears of them either. However, seeing this seething mass encircling my fragile fabric cocoon was more than a little disconcerting. I used my flashlight to frantically scan for holes, but there were none. My door flap remained properly closed and there didn’t appear to be any friends massing at the front with battering rams. I contemplated making a running, screaming dash for safety…but couldn’t quite figure out where I would go, and I certainly wasn’t going to wade into the knee-deep millipede maelstrom and re-locate my tent.

The horror heightened and every few moments my leg would spasm at the caress of an imagined visitor. My periodic flashlight surveillance continued until I finally fell fast asleep again. Come the morning and the sunlight, my nocturnal visitors were gone and my restless night seemed silly…but I will never again pitch my tent on the dead foliage around the base of a tree!

Photo and post by: Simon Vaughan © 2009 

Meeting Mr. Right, the man of my dreams...

With recent events in my life I’ve pondered over many questions in regards to relationships.  In my ever constant quest to find Mr Right, I discovered all the wrong ones, Mr young right now, Mr right in to both, Mr right person wrong time. I’m sure some of you could name a few more. So I thought about it and asked myself what characteristics I would like my Mr Right to have.

Well offcourse there is the usual, tall, dark and handsome. It wouldn’t matter what colour his eyes were as long as they had that “Glimmer.”, a bit of shaggy hair is also a plus. I want a guy who understands just how great Buffy was, and also someone who has actually sat down and enjoyed Star Wars. The originals! I want someone who can be as random as I can, such as climb a tree for fun’s sake and also when the moment calls someone who can talk about all things deep and meaningful and then in the next minute have me on the floor in stitches of laughter.

I want to feel connected with someone, who realises that a true relationship is about exploring each other physically and emotionally when both people are fully ready. And while I’m at it, I want someone who won’t throw his hands in the air the moment he doesn’t get sex. Is it too much to ask to find someone who likes pitching a tent you know the one with the pegs. I want someone who is real, genuine who doesn’t based their whole identity with who they sleep with. I want someone who knows the true meaning of companionship.

This is ideally the characteristics I’d like my Mr Right to have, whether I actually find this is another thing, but there is nothing wrong with visualising and putting it out there to the universe. Mr Right is like perfection, there are many different forms he may come in. Sometimes you just have to sift through the bullshit first. So Mr Right if you’re out there drop me a line.

What characteristics would you like your Mr Right to have?

I apologize for the almost unreadable post yesterday.  I was on some sort of crazy bulleting/extreme indentation high.  Luckily for all of you, I’ve recovered.  I will still use bullets, but in moderation.  I will attempt to use a more visually appealing/less nauseating style today.  No guarantees but I’ll try. 

Also for those of you who haven’t been too amused with the chronicling of Man Trip ‘08, don’t worry.  Regular blogging will resume once these two decide to come home and say goodbye to possibly the coolest vacation ever.  But mind you…I have no life and may have to revert to blogging about the weather…movies…and pets.  But for now…I’m banking on the epic adventure that T and Big A are currently on.  They’ve packed more action into the past few days then what I’ve experienced in all of my 23 years of life.  But don’t feel sorry for me.  I plan on winning the lottery and spending the rest of my life travelling the world.  But in the mean time…

Recap of MT ‘08:

8/12: 

• Drove past Phoenix, AZ  (Main day of travel)

8/13:  

• Toured the Hoover Dam
• Made it to Las Vegas and checked in at the MGM Grand Hotel
• Enjoyed an amazing Cirque Du Soleil show that evening.

8/14: 

• Day 2 in the City of Sin
• Did the tourist thing in Las Vegas (M&M Store, Magic Show, Game Works, etc.)
• Went to “Tournament of Kings” for a dinner show.  *Our starting point for this post.

Day 2 Continued:

• Tournament of Kings dinner show was held at the Excalibur casino
  • Both enjoyed the show and left with full bellies as they were fed a whole chicken.
  • Had to cheer for a particular knight based on where they were sitting.  They were cheering for Spain.  Spain lost due to a deadly blow from a jousting stick.
• As they were leaving the show they noticed a large number of Mexicans standing outside the exit.  They were handing out what looked like playing cards.  Big A is a Yu-Gi-Oh fan and became extremely excited.  Became even more excited when he realized that they were handing out Prostitute ‘business’ cards.  Each card featured a picture of a Vegas whore, her name, and her phone number.  Big A was able to collect three prostitute cards.  Will pull them out at his next Yu-Gi-Oh match.
• Took a walk and went to the Bellagio to watch the water fountain show.  Verdict:  “Awesome”
• After the water show they walked a ridiculously long distance to take a ride on the monorail.  Were upset as they realized that they may have actually burned calories; which is not a goal when on Man Trip.
  • Almost got in a fight with a drunk monorail passenger.  Passenger was sitting and Big A was standing holding onto a rail.  Drunk guy said, “Wanna sit?”  (remember that Big A was wearing an arm sling and may have looked pitiful, even to an intoxicated dude).  Big A thought that the guy said, “Wanna stand?”  Big A shot his some attitude with a short, cocky, “Yep.”  I mean, duh…why would he ask Big A if he wants to stand…he’s already standing.  Drunk guy quickly got up, allowing the surprised and confused Big A to sit down.  Big A and T assumed that drunk guy thought Big A was a total ass and that he wanted to fight him.  Guess you had to be there. 
• Returned to MGM Grand Hotel and were pleasantly surprised to see a drunk lady at the bar.  The drunk lady was watching Micheal Phelps swim in the Olympics.  Even drunk people get Olympic fever.  But she wasn’t cheering for Micheal Phelps.  She was cheering (loudly) for Mark Phelps.  Her stupidity had caused a small crowd to gather and laugh in unison at the dummy. 
• Went to bed…dreamt about the prostitutes on their coveted prostitute playing cards.
• Random Fact:  The guys named the shower head in their hotel room, “The Lord of the Rings Shower Head.”  This name came from the extreme short stature of the shower head.  Even T had to stoop to wash his hair..err..face.  Hobbits would fit perfectly. 

Day 3:

• Checked out of the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas.  Hotel Cost (2 nights)=$200.00
• First Stop:  Gas Station (9:15 a.m.)
  • $3.85 per gallon
  • $44.36 total fuel cost
  • Average Miles per Gallon=24.1
• Drove to the newest Grand Canyon related tourist trap; The Skywalk!  www.grandcanyonskywalk.com
  • Wasn’t on the itinerary, but figured what the hell. 
  • Quickly realized the money trap that the area Indians (the Hualapai Tribe) were running.  This tribe specializes in tourist stuff:  http://www.destinationgrandcanyon.com/tours.html
  • Parked at the Skywalk tour place.  Cost to park=$22.00.  Were not aware of the costs that would follow.
  • Skywalk Tickets=$29.95 per person
  • The Skywalk place also specialized in helicopter, donkey, and Hummer tours of the canyon.
  • The two boarded a bus and made their way to the Skywalk. 
  • Were instructed that they had to wear booties on the bridge.  Felt “gay.”
  • Skywalk was very awesome.  Big A was shaking in his booties (both literally and figuratively) as he claims to be afraid of heights. 
  • Decided not to buy a picture of them on the Skywalk as it was $28.00.  Weren’t able to take camera on the Skywalk.
  • After the Skywalk they boarded the bus again and made their way to a look out point.  It was very cool as they stopped at a spot on the edge of the canyon where there was no gaurdrail.  The tour guides said that they could get as close to the edge as they felt comfortable.  It was freaky as it was a completely straight down drop off.  T claims that he was able to get 6 inches from the edge of the canyon and that he physically/mentally couldn’t get any closer.  Big A was afraid of falling into the canyon and/or getting pushed into the canyon by loving older brother.  Also were able to climb a smallish mountain to get a 360 degree view of the canyon.  T thought that Big A may possibly fall to his death as he was climbing using one arm as his other was in a sling (from a shoulder surgery).  Sissy.
  • Returned to the starting point of the Skywalk tour.  Conclusion:  Expensive, amazing, Indians are nice.
  • Big A signed the Skywalk guest book, “Man Trip ‘08.”  Nice.
• Stopped at yet another gas station before heading to the camp site.  Cost=$4.09 per gallon.  T was wishing that he was driving a Smart Car.  Realized that he and Big A would look awkwardly large in such a vehicle.
• Drove to their camp site, which was about 50 miles from the Skywalk place.  I think they stayed at the “South Rim” site. 
  • Were excited as they spotted an actual Road Runner.  Quickly became disapointed as the Road Runner was rather slow. 
  • Drove through a horrible thunderstorm that involved hail and possible tornadoes. 
    • Experienced a 38 degree drop in temperature in about 40 minutes. 
  • At one point they were driving on the famous (Scenic) Route 66.  Conclusion: Rather boring and very flat.   
    • Took this opportunity to put his vehicle to the test.  Engine cut out at an undisclosed speed.  Felt a macho high for several minutes afterward.
  • T decided to take what Big A referred to as a “Man Road,” as in you need a lot of kahunas to drive that road.  T wanted to take a short cut to get to the campgrounds, but since the road conditions only allowed them to go about 20 it wasn’t much of a short cut.  So although they may have saved miles, the definitely didn’t save time.  And Big A felt as though the cliffs on either side of the road may lead to his imminent death. 
• Arrived at the campgrounds and had a rather difficult time locating their actual spot.  T had reserved the spot well in advance as the Grand Canyon campgrounds fill up fast! 
• Found the site and were greeted by some Caribou.  Big A attempted to pet one but became scared as he thought the Caribou may attack and/or kill him.  Took pictures from a safe distance.
• T and Big A set up their tent.  T is please with the ease of set up and size of the tent.  Becomes grateful that he has a wonderful girlfriend to properly choose his camping supplies. 
• The guys took a drive around the campground and were in amazement.  It’s HUGE!  Excited for tomorrow when they will do some more exploring on the campground and get to see more of the canyon.
• Purchased a bundle of wood for $6.99.  Built fire.
• Noted that there were NO BUGS!  Amazing. 
• Busted out the Cheddar Wursts (aka: Ultimate Man Food) and roasted them over the fire.  T and Big A savored the moment and their weenies. 
• Called their girlfriends to say HI/BYE and settled in for the night.  Expecting rather cool temperatures and prepping their masculine egos for a night of possible spooning.

To be continued….