Finally, cute guy comes out of the water and he comes up to me now in a soaking wet white shirt and strikes up a conversation… Asks me if I’m going to Brooks, what kind of camera I have- questions I get all the time, nothing out of the ordinary. Then he wants to show me his pictures from a Jane’s Addiction concert last night and we start talking about how we’re both bad business people cause we can’t bare to take advantage of others.

Ok at this point I have to admit I started to wonder where the conversation was headed and why he hadn’t asked for his stuff back. So I gave him back his stuff and pretended to be absorbed in what I was shooting.

The thought crossed my mind that he might ask me out but then I was like, ‘nah.’ Because, honestly, I’ve only been asked out by 4 guys before, including my husband and the guy who mistook me for a 16-yr. old.
But I had several chances to mention I was married and yet, I didn’t, because I was a little curious to see if he would ask me out.
Like when he asked me “what are you doing later?” I could have said, “having dinner with my husband.” But the suspense was intriguing.

So I let him go on and on and then he finally invited me into his house for a cup of tea.

Then I stood and said, “Hey! old Fisherman-guy! Throw me a fish!” And I smacked the cute guy in the face with the fish several times and yelled “Can’t you see I’m married?!? What’s wrong with you?!? I’m obviously way out of your league!!!”
and I would’ve kept doing that forever except the fisherman came to his rescue, pushed me gallantly out of the way, and told the guy, “It’s ok I’ll have tea with you.”
They boarded the canoe on the rocks and sailed off into the cloudy sunset.
And I came home and never wrote about it.

Will cute guy and fisherman hit it off?
Or was the cup of tea just a scheme to get him to do something dirty?

But seriously though, can we ever love someone in a non-romantic way? The kind of love where we would just have an utmost respect for them, and we just love them because they’re simply being themselves, and we just wish them the best in everything they do by supporting them, even from afar. I’ve always thought that it would have been wonderful if you have a lifelong, non-romantic kinda love towards someone. It indicates that we’re capable to just sincerely love someone without expecting anything in return, because we simply don’t need them to want us in a romantic way. Feeling angry or joyous doesn’t take too much effort, but sincerity is hard to attain. It is not something that everyone can express or feel, as I personally believe that sincerity is the purest form of feeling.

Oh, I don’t know why I let my mind pondering over this thought, it must have been because of the random conversation I had with my friend earlier today. Also, I guess it’s also just because a romantic kind of love freaks me out sometimes. The thought of feeling something so powerful and intense that makes your chest pounds so hard it’s about to explode…. Uhhmm, is that how it really feels though? Well, I can barely remember, HA!

Ah, the power of time. It’s amazing how all those memories are now just fragments  that you can revisit without evoking any feelings. It’s like watching a youtube clip, in its lowest resolution, if you know what I mean

She’s in front of me, taken, untouchable, but the exact person I think I know I want to be with. This is reality. This is now. I’m turned toward her as comfortably as one can be sitting on a stool at a bar, listening to something smart she’s saying, sipping my beer, smiling, nodding. She doesn’t know about the storm raging in my head. How could she? She’s in a relationship, and therefore oblivious to any outside interest.

Every muscle in my body is tense as I fight back the urge to admit my attraction. Nothing good will come of it. Nothing good ever comes of anything like this. I know it’s completely irrational, and potentially destructive. The feeling subsides just long enough for me to say something witty. She laughs on cue. I sigh internally, knowing that she probably laughs at his jokes just the same, that I’m not special, that this is nothing. She gets up to go to the ladies room, I stare at my beer, swirling it around in my glass. I glance over at her as she disappears through the door, and immediately grab my pack of cigarettes and head out to the smoker’s patio.

I mutter self-deprecating insults to myself as I fumble for my lighter, “You’re a fucking idiot, stop it, just don’t do this to yourself!” I light my cigarette and with the first drag I feel the nicotine induced peace that I sought to achieve. The mind-storm clears, and I convince myself that I can do, “platonic,” that I can get over my self-torturous behavior, drop my feelings, and avoid the drama. I exhale.

Cigarette complete, I re-enter the bar to find her back in her seat. I sit, I say something witty, she laughs. FUCK!

The resurrection of several texts from the Hellenistic and Medieval period in particular have contributed to a Renaissance in astrology. Many of these sources were unavailable for one reason or another until the last three decades. This is a wonderful time to be an astrologer.

Unfortunately this new knowledge has helped to create an atmosphere of elitism,  expressed most strongly in those who know the least. We have cases of ‘famous’ teachers teaching predictive astrology who have never accurately predicted anything. When asked for the specifics of a given prediction they become vague and reluctant to connect it to a specific astrological event, sometimes even contradicting themselves in the process - granted that is the extreme.

Common English words are translated into Latin to add that special patina to an otherwise mostly empty vessel. Of course, the programs offered by these astrologers are very expensive, so the recipients of the diplomas, degrees and titles  naturally become  defensive if any of the techniques they learned are in any way held up to scrutiny or their brand name questioned. This is not conducive to astrology as a living tradition.

Try to imagine going for a reading with William Lilly or John Dee only to find certificates on their wall declaring them competent . It doesn’t work that way and it never did.  Mentorship is a necessary and wonderful thing, but the greatest astrologers we have even known didn’t have a brand name mentality and usually had many teachers. Putting letters after your name might be useful for lawyers and physicians, but has little or no meaning in astrological life. William Lilly consistently refered to himself as s student of astrology.  Of course, some students are more advanced and experienced than others, but students they remain.

The study necessary to be a great Traditional Astrologer is immense and takes decades. One doesn’t just take a course in Hermetic or Neo Platonic philosophy and then claim to be  a Classicist. .Obviously you are not going to get a full understanding of Neo Platonism without being thoroughly familiar with Plato.

If you embrace the Hermetic Philosophy you will need to know a great deal about the various forms of Hermes. You will need to have a full grasp of the cosmology that lies deep in the roots of Traditional astrology. In fact it can never be separated, otherwise you will never be anything more than a mechanic. Astrology without spirit and soul is nothing more than parroted dogma. It cannot ultimately work and it certainly cannot produce anything useful to the soul. There is a pervasive aversion to the idea of soul, perhaps as much as of psychology.  Many Traditional astrologers have somehow got the idea that astrology is purely utilitarian. This is an enormous overreaction to the excesses of New Age astrology, which in fact has no coherent foundation at all. – as psychology perhaps, but not astrology.

In India, the knowledge is often passed down from generation to generation. But this transmission, no matter in which culture it occurs, does not produce photocopies. Mimicry is anathema to any Art. What we need is emulation and a deep understanding that Astrology is a living Art. I have seen far too many so called Traditional astrologers cling to dogma and find themselves superior, thus negating the ability to learn anything.

As for myself, I have studied for over forty years. I’ve been blessed by many, many great teachers. I had  an extraordinary master of yoga as my teacher at the age of sixteen. I subsequently read the Upanishads, the Rig Veda and any Indian sacred texts I could find. Later on, I practiced Tibetan Buddhism. The wisdom and beauty of these traditions astounded me, but what amazed me even more was how much they paralleled the western tradition. It’s been said that Buddhism is the closest thing to Gnosticism in the West, a sentiment with which I heartily agree. I sought my Western roots and found many marvelous things. We have all but forgotten our sacred roots. Through all this, astrology was never far away from my focus.

I spent a decade in Academia studying Greek and Roman Classics, Ancient History, philosophy - particularly Hermetica and Platonica.  My Doctoral studies were on Marsilo Ficino and the School of Alexandria.  It was my great pleasure to go on and professs the sumjmation of these studies I’ve found that none of this has conflicted in essence with my Druidic roots to which I feel a powerful bond. I make no special claims other than those required of any astrologer who has mastered the Art to the extent that I have. That doesn’t mean I never err. We all do.

Not everyone would have the opportunities I’ve had and my studies have taken me beyond what is required of a great astrologer. We can measure a great astrologer in any number of way : first he or she will enjoy a high degree of accuracy and a strong spirituality complete with humility . It’s not our doing that we have great teachers or extraordinary opportunities for transference of wisdom.  Gratitude is an appropriate attitude, arrogance is not. He will be devoted to a lifetime of study.

Contact with our ancestors in one way or another is a great necessity. From them we receive knowledge wisdom and inspiration. This is probably the greatest forgotten gift of  Modernity.

It’s not my intent to offend anyone and I recognize many wonderful teachers of the Art. These things needed to be said and I hope they stimulate some fruitful discussion in the astrological community

There was a question brought to you a week or so ago by a woman who had a male friend she preferred to remain platonic with, while he had other ideas.

You gave her some good advice, what do you have for me?

I recently was honest with a guy who has been mooning over me for years and told him I would never want a physical relationship with him.

I really had thought we were friends- we shared many interests and are in the same profession. We used to be able to go places together and have fun.

Now that this issue has come to a head, he’s decided that we shouldn’t see each other very often because he was never going to stop wanting more.

I’m totally pissed off at this and feel like I was told: “If you won’t give me what I want, I don’t value your friendship.”

I realize he’s protecting himself and probably feels rejected. But I feel insulted. A female friend also once surprised the crap out of me by revealing a sexual attraction and then telling me she couldn’t be friends anymore if I wouldn’t play sex games with her.

I feel like: what the hell? Do I have no worth as a human being in my own right?

Or do people only want to be near me if they think they can get their hands on me?

What The F___k

Dear WTF,

You have a perfect right to feel pissed off and sad at the loss of companionship, but you are looking at the source of these situations backwards. None of it really has to do with you or your worth as a person. Both of your friends have issues that are all about them. Listen to what they are saying: if they have no chance at possessing you then they want nothing to do with you. This isn’t about a mutual relationship.

I would ask yourself why is it that you hang out with people who  are incapable of sublimating their desire. Healthier people do all the time.

Good friendships can blossom from previous amorous intent if boundaries are drawn and these rules are accepted by both sides. This is an equal and healthy relationship. When one-sided blaming, manipulation and guilt are involved, it isn’t equal or healthy.

Stay consistent in your intentions and find healthier people to play with,

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: mourn not his passing. It sounds to me like this guy had a hidden agenda throughout your entire friendship.

My fifth grade teacher gave us an inspirational talk the first day of class that I’ll never forget. It was about being strong and holding to values, not settling for less out of fear. She summed it up with “when the half gods leave, the true gods arrive.”

Your friend was a half friend. Let him go. The true friends will arrive.

I always look out for my damsels, and want you to beware of the girl that is friends with your guy. This doesn’t apply to EVERY female friend, just the one that knows him better than you. You’ve seen Brown Sugar with Sanaa Lathan, so you know how the story ends. Of course I’m not going to leave you with out tips, so here are they are:

Platonic Friendship Tips:

• Prior to getting serious, discussing any platonic friendships are a must.
• Understand your comfort leave and insecurities.
• Trust your intuition, don’t always act on it. Ask first.
• Set boundaries that both parties can agree on ( that goes for your friend and his friend)
• Lastly, make sure that guy/girl friend respects your relationship as well (No real friend will cause any detriment to your relationship)

Loving my Damsels and wishing you well,

Dree Bo

I know this will be nothing more than platonic, and I am more than happy for this.
But still my childish heart likes to sprout a minor crush to tell me I’m over my heartache, even of some areas still cause grief.

Life is rather bearable now, even my lows are a little brighter.

The movie is about relationships between men and women. Very early on in the film, while Sally and Harry make their long daunting trip to the bright lights of New York, they have a dialogue which is quintessential to the films theme.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.

This naturally begs the question; Can men and women truly only be friends? Oh, and before some wiseass says ‘Yes they can, if the male is homosexual and the female heterosexual and vice versa’, let me rephrase it as such: Can heterosexual men and women ever be “just friends”? We can also dismiss the situation where the man and woman are both in a relationship and hence aren’t ‘seeking’ anybody/anything, like Harry does in the film.

The answers to this question couldn’t be more divisive, but in general I would say that women are more likely to agree and men are more inclined to disagree. What is true, is different from person to person. From my experience (which isn’t expansive mind you) I would side with Harry. All of my girlfriends/long-term flings have always been with women who were previously friends of mine. For most men it is only natural to form more than a relationship with a friend that is a girl, because that’s most convenient. When you’ve been friends for some time things are comfortable, you know the person’s pet peeves, you know what makes them laugh, you know what to avoid etc. Especially when you start spending a great amount of time with the person things might start blurring in one person’s mind. They think ‘if they enjoy watching a film with, or telling me their deepest secrets and enjoy being around me all the time is it possible…’. In addition, the more serious my relationships had been, the less contact we had with each other after it had ended (with the exception of one case which is slightly complicated..).  This seems to corroborate with Harry’s point of view.

On the other hand, I’ve had some, not many, platonic friendships. In a sense these friendships are a guilty pleasure, with most (99.99%) involving unattractive female friends. This is the only time when a truly ‘just friends’ scenario can be achieved, in my opinion. You’re comfortable with the person, so comfortable that they can come over at any time, when you’re all alone and you can rest at ease not even wavering one moment about attempting a ‘move’. Of course, then the role might be reversed and the female friend might be attracted to you. Furthermore, potential attraction is always around the corner. Like in my short writing piece below, people can transform, this time it could be naturally or cosmetically. I’m sure there are plenty of examples of female friends you’ve never cared for, who after one summer have suddenly lost a lot of weight, or have started wearing make up, or have had watermelons sprout from their chest and so on. This potential sexual attraction is the achilles heel to all heterosexual relationships.

Anyways, those were just some thoughts I had during my satisfying viewing of the movie. I really enjoyed this movie overall, it was realistic but light, it was accurate but with many laughs. In many ways it was a smart romantic comedy, of which there aren’t enough of nowadays. Billy Crystal (Harry) and Meg Ryan had great onscreen chemistry, something that was important since the film predominantly revolves around them. The acting is believable and the dialogue is surprisingly witty, especially that of Mr. Crystal once you get past his droll delivery. For a film made in 1989, ‘When Harry met Sally’ is still very relevant nowadays (aside from the fashion trends) and left behind a legacy. It’s legacy is so profound that nearly every preceding rom-com has largely copied the ’When Harry met Sally’ formula. Also the film probably spawned one of the most oft imitated rom-com clichés (describing a person’s features/habits preceded with a “I love’. eg. I love the way you wrinkle your nose when you laugh, I love the way you cry after watching Bambi).

Ultimately, this film was a great watch. Well shot. Strong main characters. Decent believable plot. Not overly raunchy. Thoroughly enjoying.  If I had to give the entire film an overall grade, I would rate it an 8/10

This is an infamous (and paraphrased) quote from the movie ‘When Harry Met Sally’ While Sally (meg Ryan) and Harry (Billy Crystal) were driving from Chicago to New York to start a new post College Life (not together I might add) Sally put out this idea. As Harry had already been a little flustered with Sally’s peculiar Idiosyncrasies earlier in the movie…he was quick to object this statement. They argue….and finally agree to disagree. And then the rest of the movie unfolds, and centers around this idea. But i am not here to summarize the movie…and suggest you check it out. I am more interested with the statement.

Why can;t a man and woman be just friends? Because of SEX Kyle….Duh!!!! This is true. Unless one, or both are homosexual…or they are generally not attracted to their friend….sex does get in the way. But how broad is Sex exactly?

In life….there are no maybes. It is yes or no. Black or white. Up or down. There is no medium. No grey. It is clear. If a taken man or woman has a friend of the opposite sex…they either find them attractive or don’t. Lust. The Bible states that Lust is the equivalence of adultery. It starts in the heart. Though this may be true….i do not think this is physically the same as adultery. If a taken man or woman has a friend of the opposite sex that they are attracted to….that does not mean they can’t, or shouldn’t be friends. It depends on how they act on their feelings. And chances are the other person is not attracted to them.

But why can’t they be friends? Sex does get in the way….but not always physically. So lets say two friends of opposite sex are fairly close…but are either taken or not ready for a relationship. What should they do? if one is attracted…but has not announced his or her feelings to the other…should he or she try to hide it? I think it depends on how intimate you want to get.

I have a friend. In this case to keep privacy….her name will be Gloria. (I do not have any friends named Gloria ) Now…..like i said, it is either up or down in life. In this case i am up. Gloria and i have been friends for a while. We are close….and we have a very mutual friendship. If i am feeling down…Gloria will cheer me up. If Gloria is having difficulties, i will try cheering her up. We also share a lot of the same interests. Now Gloria has a boyfriend. I became close to her after their relationship began. I respect that. This is where things get interesting.

I initially was attracted to Gloria. She is a beautiful lady. she is smart, funny, sweet, and very caring. Though i had strong feelings for her…i never personally told her my feelings for her. Why is that you may ask? well, simply because we became friends first. If i told her that i thought she was attractive one of two things could of happened. A. She could of felt uncomfortable and our friendship would terminate, Or B. She would be accepting of it, and we remain friends, but it would be very awkward…especially for me. I am NOT a player….i am not looking for a hook up…..i strongly believe in abstinence… and want to have a meaningful, lasting relationship. So if i told Gloria…who is taken….that i liked her….she would reject me…unless she left her boyfriend…which she WOULD NEVER DO…..and frankly…i wouldn’t let her. That is not mine, nor her personality.

So we became close…we shared our stories, troubles, interests. But….i still hadn’t let the cat out of the bag. To be honest….i am guessing she Knows i am attracted to her…..but i try not to ogle her or anything…and i try my best not to be flirtatious. But the fact is…she knows i’m not gay, she knows i am single, and she knows she is beautiful….and that up or down, yes or no thing plays out. But…though i was attracted to her…i kept secretive about it. But….just because she is taken, and i am attracted to het…what does that mean for our friendship Sex always gets in the way.

Well…as i already stated…i am going to wait until marriage. So actual PHYSICAL sex is out of play. But is that the answer. Either we get married, or we just remain friends? I don’t think it is that easy.

Personally, i know i am not the most attractive guy. But Gloria and I have a lot in common, We share a lot of the same beliefs. And unless she doesn’t find me attractive….i don’t think a relationship is out of question.

BUT CURRENTLY IT IS

Right now….Gloria is in a committed relationship. I am not going to mess that up. Why is that? Because I love Gloria. It is a platonic love that is hard for me to explain. I care so much about Gloria that i am willing to put aside my desire….and if it comes to it….i would be willing to put it away forever. Gloria is so dear to me, so much so that SEX DOES NOT MATTER TO ME. I would be happy if Gloria and i never had a relationship together. Even if her current relationship dissolved…..i would be willing to walk away from the chance of getting intimate with her. Why is that? Because i am not that shallow. If she is sad, i will cheer her up NOW. In our current strictly platonic relationship…i would do anything for her. I would give my life for her! WHY IS THAT? Because…to me it is more than my attraction. she has done SO MUCH for me….she was helped me…she has stuck by my side. She is the GREATEST FRIEND I COULD EVER HAVE! and in no way are we flirtatious I love her enough to LET HER LOVE SOMEONE ELSE! That my sound crazy…but it isn’t. My love for her is so Platonic…that even though i am attracted to her….i am willing to remain her friend without it ever getting to that point.

This is how i see it. I would rather be her friend forever than to risk our friendship by making it physical. I LOVE HER THAT MUCH.

Now let me ask you something….if you care about someone…does it have to involve sex?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!

For me….sex is the tip of the pyramid. I would rather have a meaningful….lasting,……intimate PLATONIC relationship with Gloria than even risking it by making it physical. Because, you know what….if that physical relationship fell through…and our friendship as we have now dissolved….i would feel that the physical attraction got in the way\

SO YES……SEX DOES GET IN THE WAY OF FRIENDSHIP. But what if it was more than just a friendship?

For me….Gloria is more than just a friend. I would do anything for her. She might not feel the same way…but that doesn’t matter. I would still always be there for her. No matter what…i will care enough, and respect her enough…to know…and keep my boundaries. But at the same time…i would be willing to push our relationship as far as it could go without getting physical. Sex, for me, is not at all important. IF you take sex out of a meaningful relationship….you get two friends that love each other enough to be there for each other thick and thin. And maybe Gloria doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe she values our friendship as any other. But if she ever needs anything…i would be willing to give my life for her. She is that special to me. And it is’t because i’m physically attracted to her. It is because I know that she will always be my friend. As Journey once said…”even if he hurts you, true love won’t dessert you.” that is EXACTLY how i view our relationship. We could go our separate ways….and 20 years down the road….i, or her could be married, but if she needed someone to talk to or help her….i would be there for her. Because lust IS NOT the same as adultery. It is yes or no….but even if i say yes and she says no….i will always have this platonic love for her. And to me…that is all that matters. She makes me happy…and we are no where near physical. Is everything in life about SEX? OF COURSE NOT!!!!! Sex DOES NOT make the world spin….but friendship…and love….and intimacy does!

Gloria will always be my first love….and even though she doesn’t know it…..that doesn’t change a thing.

Gloria…..if you read this (hopefully you will know who you are) I hope we can remain friends forever. I am not writing this to make our friendship weird…or anymore than it is. You are a very special person….and i will always be there for you, no matter what. You could hate me for writing this. You could never speak to me again….but i will always be there if you need me. You saved me. When i needed a friend the most….you were there for me. And i will always return the favor. No matter what….YOUR HAPPINESS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME!!!!! I hope to god this does not upset you, but even if it does….i will still always be there for you. You are very dear to me…..and i will always, always, always respect your relationship….and keep boundaries set. But at the same time…if you need anything at all….if you need a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to talk to….i will always have open arms!

YOU ARE THE GREATEST!!! Don’t Ever forget it!!!!

That kind of questioning led to me doubting that I could adequately differentiate the types of love and therefore I saw my vow of monogamy as a good thing.  It kept me under control while I secretly worried that any guy I spent an extended period of time with or had any kind of deep, intimate interaction with I would find myself attracted to.  This was my fear as a young woman and a fear that was seemingly confirmed when my first secondary relationship blew up in my face because my lover was immature, not honest in his communications, and did not respect my feelings.  All I can say is we all play the fool sometime and I did big time and it hurt- oh, god, how it hurt.

I think that I was so desperate for someone to not shun my advances because I was a married woman that I shut off my good sense.  So, when I met another young man online on polymatchmaker.com and read his forum posts about his own most recent disaster of a relationship I was wary and I chalked up my attraction to Sam as just another misfiring of the synapses in my brain confusing love and friendship.  My husband was telling me I was in love with Sam before I would admit it to myself.  I so did not want to go down that path again, but there was something about Sam…

He was like comfortable shoes for aching feet and there was no silly giggling, no craziness, just a feeling like we belonged together.  How did I know I was in love with him and he should join our family?  Because I felt about him the way I felt about my husband…like he was an old friend.

Now that I’m officially living the poly lovestyle because I have more than one lover I could worry I’d fall back into that silly schoolgirl way of mine and have more lovers than I could handle, but what I’ve realized is that though my heart can expand infinitely I don’t love everyone like that.  Trev and Sam are special and I will meet many interesting and beautiful people- fascinating people and maybe I will meet someone else I feel that special deep connection with, but it is something special and even being poly and having the green light to have sex with more than one person doesn’t mean I will or that I’ll feel like I want to.  What’s important to me is that I can enjoy the journey and do what feels right.  There will be mistakes along the way but Sam isn’t one of them.  Opening my family up to another person I love and trust with my whole heart isn’t a mistake.

Honesty. Complete and total honesty. Even if it is not something I want to hear or that it may hurt. I want the truth.

Respect. I do not think it is hard for me to respect someone esle’s wishes or for someone to do the same with me.

Time. Time together and time apart. Maintaining a friendship or relationship without time time together is incredibly difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I have a long distant friend who I try to see, but it is a far different case to someone actually involved in your life.

Involvement. Relationships are about letting people in and being in their life.

Equality. I cannot be superior to you nor can you be superior to me.

I will not tolerate people who hold things over another.

I will allow no man or woman to use me for their benefit. It is one thing to occasionally ask for help and a different one from constantly needing it. If it is a mutual benefit for each person it is something else because it then becomes a stake of equality.

Lies. I will not tolerate them. Even the smallest of lies become problems. I personally become offended more by being lied to than  told the truth. That belief stretches across every horizon.

Cheating. I don’t practice it and I expect my partners to practice that belief as well.

Secrets. Secrets are just another way of lying. It is one thing if it is a temporary secret so it can be a surprise or if it has to be do or said in a certain setting. If someone asks me a question and they are my partner or friend I will give them a straightforward answer. I do not think it is too much to ask for he same in return.

Integrity. Keep your word and if you are unable to do so, say so immediately and express your sorrow and regret. Do not wait until the last minute or never mention it. To me this is like saying,  “You don’t really matter to me enough for me to care’, or ‘I do not have the strength and integrity to be honest with you, therefore I choose to lie to you”.

While some may see this and be shocked that someone can expect too much, in the end, most of us want to be treated this way and are hurt when we are not.

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Are you a heterosexual woman confused by your relationships with other females? Are you a guy, trying to understand why your girlfriend is inviting her sworn enemy to a dinner party? Interactions between women are complicated and nuanced. To mitigate the confusion, I offer you a typology of female relationships.

Forgettable Sue: You’ve been friends with this girl since college because she was on your freshman floor and happens to live in your neighborhood now, in real life. She’s as innocuous as she is forgettable, and usually named something like Sarah or Emily. You absentmindedly omit her from party invites and then have to send her a personal BCC-ed email so that she doesn’t realize she’s the only person on the list. You swear to god she has three birthdays a year, always on Tuesdays, on the far side of town at a pseudo-trendy, overpriced, annoying bar. You have to take two trains to get there and a taxi home. But you have to go, because you are friends.

And just to warn you — she’ll definitely get married before you. It will be at her family cabin in Michigan that is 2000 miles from the nearest airport that costs $800 to fly into. But you have to go, because you are friends.

Temp: You’re friends out of circumstantial convenience and loneliness. Your cubicles are adjacent, or she’s the only one with the same lunch shift. You get along fine, but as soon as you move or get a new job, you’re done. I recommend you discuss restaurants, her boyfriend (or lack thereof), and cute Internet memes. These girls are commonly named Jillian or “Jules.”

Insta-friend: You only interact for a brief period, but you’re totally kindred. This relationship occurs when you make a new friend on vacation or at a cousin’s wedding. You instantly bond as companions and confidents, and then part ways. I would take a bullet for these girls — not a fatal or particularly painful one, but one for sake of hyperbole. You keep these friends dear in your heart and like a lot of things they say on Facebook. Of course you do! You’re kindred!

Bridesmaids: These are your best friends. They would all be your bridesmaids if it were permitted or practical to have unlimited bridesmaids. You feel so cool when you’re going out together and so comfortable when you’re staying in together. You really want to get them meaningful birthday gifts and make them sentimental cards. And when you do neither because you have a life, they understand. They couldn’t care less because your friendship is the greatest gift! Plus, they know you’ll make it up to them later that night by being a great wing-woman and buying them unending, obnoxiously pink birthday drinks.

You can’t wait to be settled with respective husbands and meet up over brunch to nostalgically discuss your crazy 20s. In the mean time, you have a lot of brunches amidst your crazy 20s to prospect on being settled with your respective husbands.

Gay friends and Southern European men can also be Bridesmaids.

Frenemy: This is term has become cliché, but it is a very common and toxic relationship. You begin as friends, casual enough, and then somehow the friendship evolves into fierce, but unspoken antagonism. Well, unspoken to her face. Quite outspoken behind her back. You continue to socialize because 1) the social script for breaking up with a friend is unwritten, 2) you’re afraid that she’ll usurp your social identity if unsupervised, and/or 3) you need to collect more evidence to support that she is abominable, for when you talk behind her back.

You just want everyone to know that she is the worst! The stronger you feel this way, the more time you spend with her, and the more time you spend with her, the stronger you feel this way. The only way to eradicate an established Frenemy is for one of you to move out of social radius.

Nemeses: Counter-intuitively and unlike frenemies, nemeses are healthy, symbiotic relationships. They challenge and motivate you to excel — or, at least, to excel more than them. I could never advise on how to get a boyfriend, but I can tell you how to find a perfect nemesis.

She must share your aspirations in multiple realms such as social status, athletics, academics, student council president, hottest girl who works at Kinkos, etc. She doesn’t have to actively or consciously pursue these aspirations, but you know that deep inside, she covets all that ought to be yours.

1. She must rival you. Don’t pick someone easy to outdo. She must challenge you, which also means…
2. …She must be pretty. I’m sorry, but she must be pretty.
3. You are the same “type” as her (in the eyes of men) and you have the same “type” as her (with regard to men).
4. She is self-promoting and full of shit. You are genuine.
5. She makes desperate ploys for attention that are so deviously subtle that if you point them out, you sound like a crazy person!
6. For instance, she will make up a food allergy.
7. She likes to mention how she grew up on a farm and went to a public school. You know it was a historic apple orchard and a charter school in suburban Philadelphia where Asian children of doctors were considered “the diversity.” But you can’t point that out because why would you point that out? Pointing that out would mean admitting your malice.
8. She will feign ignorance about something just to make her background seem more Bohemian or hard-knock.
9. She might say, “Oh that’s steamed milk on those fancy coffee drinks? I always thought it was whipped cream.”
10. Or, “Who’s Topanga? I didn’t watch a lot of TV growing up.”
11. And you can’t accuse her of pretending to not know about Boy Meets World and lattes, because why would someone do that? You’ll look like the crazy person.
12. 7) Lastly, I recommend you go to the same gym at the same time as her. You’ll get such a better workout because you’ll have to go faster, stronger, longer, and with cuter outfits that you didn’t even try to put together than her. [tc-mark]

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I have been accused of spreading myself too thin, for giving too much to those who will never return what I give. I believe love is always worth the risk. Some of the worst pain is born of love but it is also the birth of the greatest joys. I can’t help but feel my life is so much fuller having shared and given what I have given.

I share my heart with many people because I can’t imagine my life without them. I have several friends who I would give the world to make sure they are happy! Like a marriage friendships involve trust, honesty, sacrifice, and an unconditional and forgiving spirit. The platonic and unconditional love of friends is a beautifully romantic feeling.

Moments come

Unexpected

Hypnotizing us

With magic

We cling tight

To the comfort

To the ease

To those moments

That beg for more time

Moments binding us

Forever to a memory

Shared in loving friendship

A platonic romance

Born of a connection

Far beyond physical limits

Romance filled with enough hope

To fuel a million journeys

To the brightest stars

More romantic posts found here!

Several years ago, I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine about relationships and religion.  (Okay, so I also had one a month ago and a week ago and a couple days ago; these topics fascinate me, and I tend to talk about them on a regular basis.)  This particular friend is an Iranian, ex-Muslim, atheist, gay man–don’t tell my grandparents!–who’d been my lab partner in college.  Anyway, he and I were discussing how both of us feel drawn to create a network of close friendships more than the standard hierarchical relationships.

I don’t know if I’m saying that clearly.  In my experience, people seem to rank their interactions with people.  A person usually has several friends, who are less important than a best friend is.  On a pedestal atop all others is a person’s significant other, and above that person–at least among very religious people–is a relationship with God.

That model has never felt quite right to me.  Perhaps it is simply because of my limited experience with romantic relationships, but I struggle to see how I could put a romantic relationship I’d have with someone I haven’t yet met above the relationship I have with my sister or my best friend of several years.  I realize that a traditional way of separating these relationships has been along gender lines, but I have male and female friends.  (C.S. Lewis wouldn’t believe me.)  And, obviously, I can’t imagine preferentially following God over a friend of mine.

My lab partner also didn’t appreciate this hierarchical tendency in our culture.  We both felt that romantic and platonic relationships were just different–not that one was better or more important than the other was.  He seemed to feel that his perception originated in his culture; he said that, in Iranian poetry, love of the Earth and people and God were spoken of interchangeably and with equal veneration.  I certainly can’t speak to Iranian cultural traditions with my own experience, but it is interesting to me.

In the early chapters of Genesis, something that struck me was the construction of a strong hierarchy.  The Earth and non-human animals are below slaves, who are below women, who are below men, who are below God.  Knowledge, wealth, and power are distributed along these lines; moreover, those who are low in ranking are not nearly as safe as those who are further up the hierarchy.

If we apply these ideas to our modern world, I suppose they would lead to a strong family unit, but I feel that they don’t allow for community relations.  I am a fervent believer in many socialist ideals; I am less inclined to assert “Honor thy mother and father” than I am to assert “It takes a village to raise a child.”  I think that a community of people with whom a person has relationships (of many varieties–familial, platonic, romantic) is more stable than the bonds formed within a hierarchy.

(The chemistry analogies are calling to me, but I’m going to resist!  :^) )

Just musing…

Alex

After my arrival in a college where it seemed like everyone knew each other from the first day itself, I realised that not everyone is destined to have a healthy, friends-abundant life. Some of us are loners by choice, others have this identity thrust upon them. It’s like nightfall in a way – your sudden puberty is thrust upon you and there isn’t much you can do about it other than setting up non-cringe worthy dream sequences around them to soothe your nerves about the entire process.

About the other mentioned relationship sub-type i.e. the homosexual kind, I had even less experience. Of course I had professed my love to every girl (space-bar space-bar)  friend I had ever had but I think eventually my aching-to-be-taken behavior drove them away in droves. I had kissed a girl and I liked it (thank you Katy Perry for providing impetus to the cherry chapstick industry again with that song) but I’m afraid she didn’t like it as much as she thought she would. Also, she didn’t let me use hands so it was basically a peck on the lips. No, I do not have any pictures, please don’t ask me for any video-based proof of the same either.

All these truisms were shattered in a way when I met her. Yes, I am going to be romantic about her and hence refer to her as “her” for an indefinite length of text before I reveal to you her initials - K.C. (At this time I would like to inform readers who know me a bit more personally that this isn’t a narcissistic post and neither am I suffering from schizophrenia). The funny thing about K.C. is that she is nothing like me. We have very few things in common – our combined love for coffee is boundless and beautiful, we both had a difficult time adjusting to the sudden change that was engineering college, we’ve both had slightly morose relationship-related activities, we both despise social activities that involve more than a grand total of three people and we both like men with facial hair (I make that exception for women too). Other than the mentioned qualities, I think she is my antonym defined. She hates women, which comes as a shock to me because I could go on expounding the qualities of the fairer sex for days without feeling the need to sit down and have a glass of water. She loves children and I am of the opinion that she will devise a method by which she can procreate and avoid sexual activity at the same time. She writes poetry and I don’t think I can rhyme unless you pay me a dime (see what I mean). I could go on about what a great mind she has or how much she makes me laugh but I think I should take this moment to mention instead that she’s really good looking and it never hurts to have friends who are easy on the eyes.

All in all, this friendship has made me realize that same-sex relationships can have a middle ground between being homosexuals and being friends. I called it the platonic-erotic relationship. I’m glad I found my partner before both of us hit menopause.