Brain Status: Still healthy and thriving

1. First Sight
I hate to do this after reading only the first paragraph but: Why in the world would be care about what she’s wearing or what she’s carrying on a plane.

As you read along you’ll see a set up for a setting.. I guess. Ominous Forks, Washington. Always gloomy. Like this wasn’t expected from a vampire novel. Pfffft.. Please. I’m still curious as to what vacationing with her fath- I mean, Charlie, has anything to do with putting her foot down.  We also know that she likes the bright sunlight and blistering heat, but hates gloomy and ominous. Funny, because the feeling of Forks is what I’m would be getting from her if she actually had emotions.

The idea of her mother looking like her but with laugh lines astounds me. They’re ages are suddenly switched, they’re suddenly almost identical (you know, those silly laugh lines), and now I’m thinking pod babies. Hey, not far from dystopia, I might like this book.

I was wrong. The thesaurus abuse… it burns.

Alright, here’s where I actually ragequit the book. No one gives a rat’s ass on what car that Bella has. Seriously. Has anyone noticed something? The Chevy comes from.. who? BILLY BLACK. Oooh, is that a glint of foreshadowing and familirization?! Holy hell, did Meyer actually write somethin-oh wait, now I have to sit through dialogue about a freaking TRUCK. Ch–Bella, take the car and be happy, goddamn you.

What an ungrateful brat.

Ha! Greenly, I found you.

Hold the phone, I have to quote this.

“The room was familiar; it had been belonged to me since I was born”

Please tell me someone else sees the complete repetition and slaughter of the English language in this sentence. Please. Sweet Lord. Chapter one is too long for words.

Quick question: How does the amount of sun you get affect the color of your eyes? Isn’t that decided by genetics? Oh Meyer, you silly uneducated woman you.

For a good portion of this chapter, we’re pummeled and tortured with hideously boring details about how Bella is somehow this beautiful girl with perfect skin, and a “glitch” in her brain. Uh, hun, that “glitch” is called your own way of thinking. Hey Meyer, we don’t need a play by play. And you obviously haven’t stood in a “drizzle” of rain. Immediately soaked? Last time I checked, you have to stand there for about five minutes. Go outside some, you silly housewife.

Finally after a few pages of misery, Bella makes it to her school. Of course, when she announces her name to a secretary, the first thing to go through Bella’s mind is incredibly selfish. She immediately says she’s been the gossip of the town… wut. Yeah, so.. when the secretary knows your name (since you know, she’s probably seen your enrollment sheet, dip) and looks alerted so she can check who you are, you’re suddenly town gossip. (On a side note: I wish my school gave me a map and highlighted the routes to my classes for me… but you know.. Bella’s “special” -ed).

So, she gets into the school with other students and heaven forbid she stands out a little. Thank God her jacket is black and is so drab that she isn’t noticed. Thank God she turned her truck off before it caught attention, damn noisy engines. Thank God her skin doesn’t stand out.

First class and we meet Eric. The Chess club type. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?  He walks her to her next class, and of course, she is as ungrateful as getting a freaking truck. Who the hell is she? This astounds me. She hates her Trig teacher because he teaches Trig. She forgets and disregards any females she has met so far, but remembers who Eric is. I’m starting to wonder if she’s a woman hater. Awww, no lesbian fanfics for Bella. But hell, its the internet: They’ll do it anyway.

In coming! The Cullens! How do we know? Their beauty, their features, and how Bella can’t shut the hell up about them. From what is being described, they’re all the same except body type, height, and hair. Oh look! Pod babies! More and more of them! Eric and Whats-her-Name seem to be the only non pod babies in this book so far. What the hell. Does anyone else find it strange that the Cullens are all in high school? … Anyone?

I’m getting weary of this chapter and wondering when it’s going to end. Two pages of Bella and Edward looking at each other, and haughty daughty retarded details that no one really gives a damn about. She only knows his name, and that he shares Biology with her and she’s already trying to please him. I half expected her to just pop out and say “Do I offend!? OH GOD, I DON’T SMELL BAD DO I!?” Since.. you know.. Meyer has an obsession with smelling people.

Meyer. STOP. WITH. THE. DESCRIPTIONS. OF. EDWARD. Right about now I’m sitting at the very edge of my seat, leaning AWAY from your book. Gargh! He’s so mean and so unfair! Leaving Bella to just sit there staring at his back as he left class. Last time I checked, Bella, when the bell rings it means class is over… Get the hell out.

After a grueling session of Biology class we meet, Baby Faced Mike from California. Of course there had to be a character to empathize with Bella. I lol’d. He seems decent, talkative, but decent. He walks her to gym, and of course, Gym class is hell for Bella. Durp, she doesn’t do physical movement, durp. So after gym she heads to the office to turn in something, blah blah and sees EDWAAAARD~ Yeah. So. He’s arguing with a lady, trying to get switched out of Biology with Bella. SHE’S INFURIATED! OH LAWD! A STRANGER HATES BELLA! QUICKLY MEN, TO YOUR POSTS! Angry and upset that someone doesn’t like her (finally, I thought I was the only one), she proceeds to sit inside her truck before breaking down into tears. How tragic.

Oh, snap. Chapter One is over.