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Baby, I love you. But if you do that one more goddamn time, I'm going to scratch you with my toenails.

The other day, The Lawyer and I were watching Jersey Girl. (What? Jersey Girl was a GOOD MOVIE. Why did everyone hate on that movie so hard? On that note, why does everyone hate on Ben Affleck so hard… more →

Baby, I love you. But if you do that one more goddamn time, I'm going to scratch you with my toenails. — 11 comments

longredcape wrote 3 months ago: The other day, The Lawyer and I were watching Jersey Girl. (What? Jersey Girl was a GOOD MOVIE. Why … more →

Tags: color me confused, google that shit, having a penis will do that to you I guess, I hope you have the attention span to get through this, men make me want to take a cheesegrater to my eyeball, The Lawyer, this is what happens when you're crazy

Now I'm going to have "It's a small world after all" running through my head all day. — 7 comments

longredcape wrote 6 months ago: The other day, The Lawyer and I were discussing the difficulties of small town dating. He said that … more →

Tags: Adam, aren't you glad you're not me right now?, I am a complete and utter moron, I blame texting, I live in a redneck town, I'm totally going to start saying "Butt-fucky, Puerto Rican prostitutes are the BEST prostitutes, sometimes guys are creepy, The Lawyer

The Four Horsemen of the Dating Apocalypse — 10 comments

longredcape wrote 7 months ago: I’ve had so many dating fiascos, it should be illegal. With numerous relationships gone awry, … more →

Tags: men make me want to take a cheesegrater to my eyeball, Single life, WTF, people are dumb, I blame texting, I live in a redneck town, Glen, I hope you have the attention span to get through this, you don't want to be 'that guy'

The letter — 8 comments

longredcape wrote 8 months ago: Well, something good did come out of being pursued by BrownEyes’s friend. After he texted me l … more →

Tags: men make me want to take a cheesegrater to my eyeball, Single life, BrownEyes, Serious stuff, I blame texting, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one, I hope you have the attention span to get through this, in which I ask for your assistance, Emotions

Trying isn't always enough — 9 comments

longredcape wrote 8 months ago: Allright people, let’s get this over with. So remember how BrownEyes wanted to get back togeth … more →

Tags: men make me want to take a cheesegrater to my eyeball, Single life, god hates me, BrownEyes, people are dumb, I blame texting, I live in a redneck town, this is what happens when you're crazy, the depression

I just don't have words. (OK, I actually have 981 words, but who's counting?) — 17 comments

longredcape wrote 9 months ago: Things just go from bad to worse, don’t they? Sigh. I kinda went on a roller coaster of emotio … more →

Tags: men make me want to take a cheesegrater to my eyeball, Single life, god hates me, WTF, BrownEyes, I blame texting, I live in a redneck town, Andy, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one

Good Lord, make it stop — 16 comments

longredcape wrote 9 months ago: Well, it’s “Facebook Official.” Murray is now in a relationship. Murray, the guy I … more →

Tags: Claire, men make me want to take a cheesegrater to my eyeball, Single life, god hates me, The past..., WTF, sex, BrownEyes, Facebook stalking -- almost never a good idea

This girl can't catch a break — 10 comments

longredcape wrote 9 months ago: Friday evening when I got home from work, I did a little tidying up and sat down at my computer to c … more →

Tags: could have gone without seeing that, I am a complete and utter moron, crazy things need to stop happening to me, Bubba Sparxxx was right—it IS gon' get ugly, aren't you glad you're not me right now?

No wonder I make men run screaming in the other direction — 12 comments

longredcape wrote 9 months ago: I feel like my life is repeating itself. Like I’m walking around in some fucked up circle of S … more →

Tags: Single life, god hates me, WTF, sex, pass the Ritalin - I may have Adult ADD, I can be inappropriate at times. OK--often., BrownEyes, I blame texting, this is what happens when you're crazy

A good run of bad luck — 10 comments

longredcape wrote 10 months ago: Blink. Blink. Blink. That’s what my cursor in WordPress has been doing for the past few days. … more →

Tags: WTF, Fail, New York, Bubba Sparxxx was right—it IS gon' get ugly, could something else PLEASE go wrong?

This post is all over the place and will probably not make any sense — 14 comments

longredcape wrote 10 months ago: Today, after much procrastination, I finally gave in and went to my friend Sandra’s to get my … more →

Tags: The past..., BrownEyes, Serious stuff, this is what happens when you're crazy, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one, I'm single because I'm crazy, Emotions, did we break enough this time?, helloooooo tangent

You can't fire me, bitch I quit — 18 comments

longredcape wrote 10 months ago: I’m going to take a break today from blogging about my love life to tell you a horror story fr … more →

Tags: god hates me, The past..., WTF, I can be inappropriate at times. OK--often., people are dumb, Work crap, I live in a redneck town, this is what happens when you're crazy, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one

Someone shat on my front seat — 19 comments

longredcape wrote 10 months ago: When I was sixteen, I got a new car. I know. I was one of THOSE kids. Although I may have BEEN spoil … more →

Tags: god hates me, Serious stuff, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one, in which I ask for your assistance, Poop, crazy things need to stop happening to me, New York, Bubba Sparxxx was right—it IS gon' get ugly, aren't you glad you're not me right now?

Stupefied — 15 comments

longredcape wrote 11 months ago: I don’t get it, peeps. (I have this awful habit of adopting a word or phrase and abusing it te … more →

Tags: alcoholism: I has it., aren't you glad you're not me right now?, Bubba Sparxxx was right—it IS gon' get ugly, color me confused, Emotions, Fail, god hates me, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one, men make me want to take a cheesegrater to my eyeball

Skipping Christmas — 18 comments

longredcape wrote 11 months ago: Several years back when I was still a child, consumed with the magic of Christmas—the smell of the F … more →

Tags: Serious stuff, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one, I hope you have the attention span to get through this, Emotions, New York, aren't you glad you're not me right now?, The Holidays, grandparents know what the hell they're talking about

Possible scenarios for getting New York into bed with me — 12 comments

longredcape wrote 11 months ago: Normally, I am not a very shy person. But put me around a cute boy? And I am rendered incapacitated. … more →

Tags: Single life, alcoholism: I has it., sex, I can be inappropriate at times. OK--often., this is what happens when you're crazy, this is the new plan, I'm single because I'm crazy, I am a complete and utter moron, That's What SHE Said!

HELP! — 19 comments

longredcape wrote 11 months ago: So, I know I haven’t mentioned BrownEyes in a while, and there’s a reason for that. Actu … more →

Tags: Single life, BrownEyes, Work crap, I live in a redneck town, I'm gonna need a strong drink after this one, in which I ask for your assistance, I'm single because I'm crazy, crazy things need to stop happening to me, New York

Eye on the prize — 9 comments

longredcape wrote 1 year ago: Okay y’all, I need a hobby something SERIOUS. I will never be able to enjoy being single (have … more →

Tags: why can't I be independently wealthy?, Single life, WTF, this is the new plan, Materialism. I has it., google that shit, That's What SHE Said!

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