I usually strive to be the best…
But nowadays I’m just like fuck it.

This weird funk got me feelin’ all types of shit.
Just don’t know how to break free from this resistance.

Tied up, hands cuffed, mind games, Saw Trilogy.
Better figure out the puzzle, be quick with it so I can be free.

Or let it control and make you a different person.
Sometimes even death is an occurrence.

Just need to find the right key
so I can continue my broken dream.

I should be writing you letters
But instead I’m sending you postcards
See, it’s so hard to say what I’m really going through
So instead I write “wish you were here”

Dear heavenly father
I don’t want to bother you because I know
You’ve got better people you could be talking to

I know in your word it says
Seek first your kingdom
And all these things will be added onto me
But I’m going to go ahead and
Try this apology.
Sorry God, I don’t know how to add
Because I kinda miss everything I had
Before I came to you
You keep saying this is freedom, but is it really true?

Father, those talents you gave me and told me to use?
I buried them right here so when you get back
You’ll know exactly where to find them:
Not bearing any fruit.

So you want to know what I’ve been doing with my time
Well, I’ve been working overtime
Trying to get what’s mine before
Someone else does
Because last time checked
The doors I wanted to go through
You closed
So I’ve been prying open a few of my own

Yes, you are a priority
After owning a home,
finding a job
And maybe even a car
I want you on my list,
anywhere really
Does it matter where you are?

Didn’t you see the scriptures I retweeted?
Didn’t you see my offering on Sunday?
You want me to sacrifice all of this
For the hope that I’ll meet you one day?

Okay, I can understand that and I respect your wishes
But sorry Lord….
I came to church last Sunday and I left early because I was bored

I used to be the bible study geek
The Jesus freak
The nerd in the word
And the stranger to the world…

I used to be the one who praised and worshipped until tears fell from my eyes
Now everything I promised I wouldn’t do
Seemed too foolish not to try

Now, now….

Now I’m not writing postcards from the other side
Because this stranded anxious bride is under distress
Lord, I’m writing now to say SOS

Okay, I need you.
And to think I came to church
Because I was under the impression that YOU
Needed me, when
I’m the one who took myself off life support
And your the one who’s arms are never too short,
now your teaching me that those arms
Are never too far from reaching me.

Dear, heavenly Father.
If you’re reading this it means you still care
And I don’t understand why you still do sometimes
Because I’m guilty of a long list of endless crimes against you

Like when I said I would follow you wherever you lead me
Said I would go wherever you need me
Knowing that if I’m sent into danger you would never leave me
But you will not be mocked, Lord you knew not to believe me

I was so comfortable being where I am
Thinking that I am able to stand
And worship you, just by waving my hands
But all this time, I was only a fan

Like Peter,

I was three steps behind you the whole time
I was okay following if the conditions were fine
I was close to your side when we were at our prime
But when I was asked if I knew you, I simply declined

Dear heavenly father,
Nothing’s going right, my plans of
Getting wealthy aren’t prospering
I’m unhealthy and I’m suffering
I thought all I needed to do was sow a seed, like a donation
While you and your grace were left out of the equation
I did my own thing because I was out of patience
I thought you and I would remain adjacent
But my persistence to prosper was actually improper and I was complacent.

I wanted the sweet utterances of psalms to calm me into the slumber of ignorant bliss
I didn’t want to feel the conviction your Holy Spirit emits
And when anybody approached me with Romans 8:8 I didn’t want to hear it

“Those who are in the flesh cannot please God” wouldn’t that
make me a fraud?

But God…
I’m trying my hardest and it just doesn’t feel like you’re anywhere near me
I’m yelling my loudest but it doesn’t seem like you can hear me
I’m crying out, I’m crying out, I’m crying out
with a broken spirit, contrite heart
For you to create in me a clean heart
So I can love you with all my heart, mind and soul

All my heart, mind and soul

Because when I was far from you
You never let go
Then I guess I’m the one who needs my priorities straight
Because you never lost me
Compared to what you gave in Christ Jesus
My life will never cost me

Dear heavenly father I’m putting you
At the top of the list where you belong,
Where you should’ve been all along
I’m learning to do the math,
and if I lose anything I’m gonna to laugh
Because God plus nothing still equals everything
Yes, God plus nothing still equals everything

God plus nothing STILL equals everything, wow….
Does everybody know it?
I guess the way I’ve been living recently doesn’t really show it.

Sincerely yours….
Hold on, before I sign this, let me rewind this and ask you something…

Can you relate to this letter?

If you can relate to what I’m writing in this letter
Then I guess you too need to get it together
We can all come back to God no matter how far we’ve strayed
Because as soon as we turn back we’ll see He never turned away

I’m speaking these truths
Because the truth is always clear
Though we often lose sight of God
He never truly disappears
I’m signing this letter to Him but here’s your chance to be sincere
If you want to put Him first
Just insert your name here.

Sincerely yours, __________.

I took a walk yesterday, I wasn’t really sure where I was headed, to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure I had a destination in mind.
I took a walk yesterday, on a search for tranquillity and freedom from everyday issues.
I had only walked a short while when I came upon a place, not far away but a place I had failed to really notice through my everyday hustles and bustles, racing through life like I do.

I stood for a while taking in this place of various activities which I considered but a pause in my walk to find the perfect place of tranquillity and freedom, I never even considered this place.
Boats were docked, people boarding and getting off, boat owners shouting out advertisements for boat tours, tourists strolling around like they had all the time in the world, stopping often to gaze in wonder at one thing or the next, laughing and taking pictures, milling in and around the various exotic bars and restaurants.
And the perfectly blue-as-sky clear crystal ocean stretching on for miles and miles… Even through my acute phobia for large bodies of water, I find myself wishing I could soar just above the waters running my hands in it while I search for its very beginning.

Standing here, I could almost forget that I have to be at my less-than-satisfactory job tomorrow dealing with insatiable customers. I could forget about the millions of needs I have that there never seems to be enough time or money to meet.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, savouring it, it felt like the freshest breath I had ever taken and I could have sworn my lungs felt just a little cleaner.

I turn around and continue on my walk searching for tranquillity and freedom from everyday issues already forgetting all about this place I stumbled upon.

I took a walk yesterday and came upon a place.
I took a walk yesterday and came upon the harbour

@aeyshadeedee

Boys will be boys.

Boys will be the ones picking on you because they like you
And they don’t know how to express it.
They’ll be the ones hiding from a problem because
They can’t address it.

Boys will be boys.

Boys don’t pay bills and boys don’t go to work
Boys like to talk to you outside during church
Boys like to run away when responsibilty knocks
But somehow always have money for the newest shoes to rock

Boys like to talk the talk, but when it comes time to walk the walk
You won’t see them walking or talking but running away
Boys will be the one making babies
But not the ones to stay and see them learn to walk and talk.

Boys will be boys.

Treating girls like toys
Dismangling us like we’re plastic soldiers burning under a microscope
But we’re bolder because there is still hope
Or so we’d like to believe there is
For the boys we meet
Along the way,
But carrying the burden of their hope
Is beginning to weigh US down.

Boys will be boys,
But are there any men around?

Some of you boys will read this and get offended
But you don’t understand…

If you’re mad at me…well, I guess you’re not a man. :)

You are nothing.

Yet you strive to provide ever wise counsel to me

I am the I am
The creator and finisher
The being that ever was and never will cease to be
Yet you continually try to confine me within the box of reason
Despite me giving you reasons
That I am the I am

So go ahead and test me -
See if I won’t pour down a blessing large enough that you won’t have room enough to receive it!

I can show you better than I can tell you
But first
you must prepare for me

- I want you empty.

So empty that you crave me
So empty that you call out my name in the still of the night
Feel the wind graze your cheek and you know it was me

Empty.

Like a worthless
earthen vessel
once used for vile ex-cre-ment
Now cleansed by the blood of
the sacrificial lamb and
filled with treasure

I want you empty.

So empty, I can convict you
And pour into you
And dwell in you
And stir you
And comfort you
And be alive to you
And make a –

temple out of you.
Empty.

I am the I am
Who will, forever be
The Only, “What”- truly is
and I want to fill you

But I can’t pour into a glass that’s already full
A house that’s already occupied
A shoe that has a foot
or sit in a seat that’s taken

So I ask,
What are you placing above me?
What are you not entrusting to me?

Do you choose to remain in doubt, driven as a wave tossed in the wind?

Taste and See that I am good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in me

The I Am.

The Am who makes you
to be everything you is,
- what you are
The Am
who contains you within me

I am
the I am
That you are who you be
Everything you is & what you are
Is contained within me.

Without me, You are nothing.
Through me you are Everything

I am.

Yes, I know I’m weak
And getting weaker by the second
So I’m going to keep coming back to church,
This Sunday
And the next
And the next
And the next
Because I need to make up for
Having unmarital sex
And drinking with my best
Intentions to stay sober
But after 3 bottles that mentality’s over
Rated, and yes my life is R-rated
But I come clean every Sunday,
So I’m G-rated…

Even though my life wasn’t made for general audiences.

I’m attending church, under false pretenses
I’ll let you believe I read my bible every day
But I can barely locate a single verse
I can switch up my speech to sound pleseant and sweet
Here.
But out there I can’t breathe without a curse

Out of the same mouth come blessing and cursing
And I’m a woman of unclean lips,
Among a people of unclean lips
So how can I come face to face with God
And not be burdened by this?

Oh, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!
And I’m dirty
Does God really find me worthy?
When my sin is as high as my head
And I’m sinking
Sinking in sin while I’m thinking of Him.

He who died on the cross for my
Weekends being lost.
He who shed blood on my behalf
When I watched crude cartoons and laughed.

He who had flesh ripped off his bones
For every moment I disgraced him alone
He who gave up His only begotten
To make up the moments that I’ve forgotten:

That my life is not my own.
I live to worship Him alone.
I will come clean.
No,
I will really come clean
Yes,
I mean it this time.

And you can mean it this time
The struggle with sin, is where we begin,
But it doesn’t have to be where we end.
Because we have been brought near to Him
No longer enemies with God, now we can friends

You, in the audience
Struggling with your sin,
You may think you’re in this battle alone
But you’re not even equipped to win.

We lift our hands againts
the enemy but we can’t win the fight,
Because the only hands equipped to win
Are the nail-pierced hands of Christ.
We put on the armor but all we have to do is stand
The victory is ours to claim
because the keys are in His hands

His wounded hands have healed over
So His hands were given up for healing over,
And over, and over, for as long as it takes.
Until this painful, sinful flesh  of mine no longer hurts
Until His fire touches my lips, so I no longer curse
Until I’ve finally come to enjoy doing His gospel work
Until I can no longer say I’m tired of church.

Reunion