Scharner: Dodgy hair, dodgy goal

Continuing the Microsoft Paint Stories Of The Week series (soon to be re-named ‘Baron-Watch’), this week we once again catch up with Baron Silas Greenback (aka Avram Grant), and it certainly appears that he’s been keeping himself busy of late.

Not only has the amphibious super-villain been officially appointed as Portsmouth manager (as predicted here on Eddie’s Football Blog), but there have also been one or two unexplained events in the past week, both of which I am fairly certain he had something to do with.

Now, as we all know from ‘Danger Mouse’ (the reality TV series in which Greenback featured heavily during the 1980s) The Baron has a history of going to great lengths to create the perfect ‘Kansas City Shuffle’ – a moment in which he makes us all look one way (via a distraction), whilst he sneakily steps in to take over the world. I have highlighted examples of this before…

Stealing all of the world’s sign-posts. Sending tins of exploding custard to every household on the planet. Turning elephants into sugar cubes. Stuff like that. Ideas that could only conceivably be contrived by an evil toad.

Naturally therefore, when I stumbled across an article this afternoon citing ‘mysterious toilet blockages’ on an entire fleet of Cathay Pacific aeroplanes, my suspicions were raised. Perhaps the plan this time is to drain all of the world’s oceans? Think about it… the entire population of earth, all wildly flushing their porcelain thrones at once. The water usage would go off the chart.

Well, it’s either that, or he’s plotting a world-wide shortage of drain unblocking products. Just think of a world without drain unblocking products. All hell would break loose. Indian restaurants would fight and squabble over the remaining supplies and, worse of all, we’d all have to start using bidets due to the constant fear of clogging our own crappers. Yes, that’s right, we’d basically all become French.

I can see the fear on your face now. He must be stopped.

Talking of the French, and insanely long introductions out of the way, this leads me nicely on to the second of the unexplained phenomena that has occurred more than once in the past week. Namely, the act of scoring a goal in professional football, having blatantly committed a handball prior to putting the ball in the onion bag.

Both Thierry Henry (the goal that broke Irish hearts. Well, unless you’re Roy Keane), and Paul Scharner (the ‘1′ in Wigan’s 9-1 walloping at Tottenham) have scored goals of this ilk in the past week. Both have got away with it. My question is how?

Suspecting Greenback, I headed to his lair at Portsmouth’s Blue Reef aquarium earlier this week. Passing myself off as ‘Mr Grant’s Wart Removal Technician’ I gained entry, and this is what I discovered…

I think I know what’s been going on now.

Greenback has known all season that, at some point, he was going to be asked to replace Paul Hart as manager. It’s one of the worst kept secrets of all time. Right up there with Tom Cruise’s homosexuality. However, with this knowledge came responsibility. When he became manager, he was going to have to improve Pompey’s form.

Henry: Giving Greenback's invention the high-five

Knowing that his squad wasn’t anywhere near good enough to stay up on their own, and given that he is an super-villain with a lair, an evil crow assistant, and more than a few masterplans up his sleeve, Greenback got to work on a couple of ideas he’d had to improve his team’s performance. The first of these was injecting a ‘Striker’s Serum’ into Aruna Dindane, in the hope that the Ivorian would end up scoring a bucket load of goals. As you’ll remember, it started with a hat-trick, and ended with a threesome. It turned out that the ‘Scoring Serum’ wasn’t specific to football, and the Baron was forced to abandon Dindane’s regular injections after the goals dried up.

Now though, it looks as though Greenback has a new concept to use. A footballing aid called ‘The Invisible Handball’. Basically it is a specially designed synthetic forearm and hand combination that, when attached to a footballer, is completely invisible to the referee and his assistants. It means that a footballer can control, dribble, and even score a goal with their hand, and the officials will not see any offence.

The prototype was tested by Greenback’s father (Earl Greenback) during the 1986 World Cup in Mexico, on a certain young Argentinean by the name of Diego Maradona. It worked brilliantly during a match against England, but after Maradona refused to remove his new hand because he saw it as a good way to get cocaine past customs officials, Earl Greenback abandoned the experiment. Now, in the knowledge that he’ll be taking over such a poorly equipped Premier League team, Greenback Junior has resurrected it.

The product was tested last week on France Captain (and shaving enthusiast) Thierry Henry, and Wigan utility man (and Austrian style icon) Paul Scharner. On both occasions (as mentioned above) the protagonists used their new hand to score via an unfathomably dodgy handball. This obviously means that ‘The Invisible Handball’ passed its test with flying colours. There is, however, no word on either player having become a coke-mule for an underground gang of Colombians since their match. I’ll keep you posted though.

As ever, Baron Greenback looks on from his office as his evil crow henchman prepares to remove the hand from Scharner, in order to get it attached to Ivorian science experiment Dindane, and ready for this weekend’s visit of Manchester United. So, if you see a dodgy handball from young Aruna this Saturday, you’ll now know why the referee allowed play to continue.

It also seems that MI5 are also suspicious of Greenback’s activities (perhaps they read the blocked plane toilets atricle too), as they sent one of their agents into his lair on the day I was conducting my investigation. However, after failing to desguise himself, and following a cliché-filled chat in the Baron’s office, the vodka martini drinking agent ‘fell’ through a trap-door (that just happened to randomly open below his feet) and into a pool of sharks with freekin’ lazerrrs attached to them. He never stood a chance.

So, whether you’re worried about Portsmouth’s new ability to score goals, the possibility that you might have to cleanse your nether regions like a Frenchman in the near future, or just the concerned about the prospect of reading yet another article dedicated to a cartoon character lookalike, it is clear that this man must be stopped.

Where the hell is Danger Mouse when you need him, eh? Let’s hope that he has suffered the same fate as this little chap…

Fergusons Jr. and Sr. could soon be doing battle in the Premier League.

How do I know this? Because – and believe me when I tell you this – Man-flu is child’s play compared to what I have at the moment.

That which makes me suffer so badly and cares not one iota that I can barely focus on anything – you guessed it ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got the dreaded man-pneumonia.

It has now set up camp most probably for the entire winter, likely through to next summer, and in all reality, Buzz Lightyear may have hit the nail right on the proverbial head.

However, I am comforted by the fact that the world continues to revolve while I suffer so badly.

People are still working, television is thankfully still airing and football’s chairmen contine to change their managers more often that I change my underwear (I’ve got my opinions on changing managers, and am writing a piece on that very subject, but that is for another day).

Paul Hart has become the latest casualty – becoming the first top flight dismissal this season (and it’s almost December, strange – almost half a season without a single sacking!). After impressively helping turn Portsmouth around last season, he has taken them rock bottom this year and the board have decided it’s time for a change.

And the favourite for the job? Darren Ferguson – of THAT fame. Yes, you got it – THE Ferguson fame. The great one’s son. And, should he get the job, who could be his first opponent (assuming he takes the job in time)?

Yep. Pompey play host to Manchester United this weekend, in what could potentially be the first ever Father v Son managerial battle in Premier League history. Sure, Jamie Redknapp played against teams managed by dad Harry, but this would be the first time that both managers involved in a Premier League fixture would be so closely related.

How interesting would that be? Sir Alex, deep into the twilight years of his career, faces his son Darren in what is the latter’s managerial debut in the Premier League, and the younger generation can spring a surprise.

It would instantly give the Pompey fans belief in his abilities, and set the tone for what could potentially be a great career – I mean, he’s from the best managerial bloodline in the land isn’t he?

But don’t expect Ferguson Sr. to exactly offer any favours. He will know his son needs to learn the hard way, and United are struggling enough to keep up with Chelsea as it is without giving away needless points.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting Sir Alex would simply ALLOW his son to win anyway, but there would surely be a deep-set tinge of sentimentality about the match – one that both would need to overcome, and also embrace, if the true magic of this fixture is to be realised.

Personally though, my money is on Avram Grant taking the hotseat. He’s been back at Fratton Park for a couple of months now, and considering how well he did at Chelsea, the only reason I can see him NOT becoming the new manager is if he didn’t want the job – well, that or his “imminent” work permit (which he has been waiting for since last month apparentely) gets lost in the post.

Either way, the dizzying ride that is the managerial merry-go-round will continue to operate just like I’m sure my man-pneumonia will – to infinite and beyond.

Image courtesy of skysports.com

Portsmouth Football Club chief executive Peter Storrie appears in court on a tax evasion charge over the signing of midfielder Amdy Faye…. From BBC News. Full story

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She got an A on this one.  For her Western Culture class. The question was whether he was overall  a hero or villain.

Augustus and Leadership

       From the death of Julius Caesar in 44 BC, Augustus, the adopted son of Julius Caesar, fought to end the civil war that resulted from Julius Caesar’s death. In 31 BC Augustus defeated Marc Antony leaving him the sole ruler of Rome and it’s provinces. From this point forward Augustus sought to restore order and consolidate power. Under the circumstances of the times in which he lived Augustus did many great things as he created his position of Emperor and brought the provinces under his direct control. His achievements were many and it can be concluded that his mastery of Rome made him a hero to the Roman people.

          Upon Julius Caesar’s murder Rome fell into civil war. Three factions arose to take control. The first was a faction loyal to Brutus and Cassius- Julius Caesar’s murderers. A second was loyal Marc Antony, an associate of Julius Caesar. The third was loyal to Octavian, later to be known as Augustus, who was Julius Caesar’s nephew and adopted son. At first Marc Antony and Augustus joined forces and defeated the forces of Brutus and Cassius. Marc Antony and Augustus then fought each other, with Augustus being victorious and Marc Antony committing suicide. In 31 BC Augustus found himself facing the same problems that Julius Caesar had faced many years earlier.

          Augustus now needed to provide Rome a stable form of government. The Senate had always been the dominant political body in the Roman republic. So, Augustus chose to first work through the Senate while he re-established the bureaucracy needed to effectively administer the Empire. It was the Senate that re-named him from Octavian to Augustus. From this point on Augustus began the process of consolidating power by assuming the responsibilities of many previously separate offices. Some of these powers were given to him by the Senate, such as princeps (first citizen) others, such as pontifex maximus (supreme priest) he gave himself. While Augustus left the Senate as an important part of the political system in Rome itself, in the provinces Augustus took direct control. The slow methodical assumption of power led him to the role of Emperor.

          Augustus accomplished many good deeds and completed many good projects during his reign. In addition to maintaining peace in the Empire and some of its provinces such as Gaul and Spain he extended the frontiers of many of the provinces as well. “I restored peace to the Gallic and Spanish provinces and likewise to Germany, that is, to the entire region bounded by the Ocean form Gades to the mouth of the Elbe River. I caused peace to be restored in the Alps, from the region nearest to the Adriatic Sea as far as the Tuscan Sea, without undeservedly making war against people.”(pg 58 DWP) Augustus at times of need was generous enough to give his own money and other resources to the Empire to help maintain financial stability. “Four times I came to the assistance of the treasury with my own money, transferring to those in charge of the treasury 150,000,000 sesterces… I transferred out of my own patrimony 170,000,000 sesterces to the soldiers’ bonus fund… whenever the provincial taxes fell short, in the case sometimes of 100,000 persons and sometimes of many more I made up their tribute in grain and in money from my own grain stores and my own patrimony…”(pg 56-57 DWP). Augustus also built and repaired many important building and architectural projects. “I repaired the Capitol and the theater of Pompey with enormous expenditures on both works… I repaired the conduits of the aqueducts which were falling into ruin…I doubled the capacity of the aqueduct called Marcia  by admitting a new spring into its conduit…I reconstructed the Flaminian Way from the city as far as Ariminum, and also all the bridges…”(pg 57 DWP)  Augustus also sponsored many gladiatorial shows. These shows were important social gatherings and helped Romans establish their own identity. “ I gave gladiatorial show three times in my own name, and five times in the names of my sons or grandsons; at these shows 10,000 fought… Twice I presented…an exhibition of athletes invited from all parts of the world… Twenty-six times I provided for the people… hunting spectacles of African wild beasts in the circus of in the Forum or in the amphitheatres…” (pg 57 DWP) Perhaps most importantly Augustus maintained peace in Rome through his entire reign. “…while Augustus in the vigorous years of his life maintained his power that of his family and peace.”(pg 55 DWP)

          In our modern democratic world the word Emperor is very negative. However, many rulers, kings, emperors, czars accomplished great things during their rule that advanced their people and their civilization. Augustus was certainly an Emperor but he was one of those emperors who was worthy of some admiration. He created peace and prosperity without the brutality that was typical of the times in which he lived.

Pimp my striker: Aruna Dindane

As I have mentioned before, the wonderful blogging software I use to tap out the sort of rambling nonsense that you are about to put yourself through also offers me the ability to see ‘behind the scenes’. Unlike the extras on your ‘Transformers’ DVD though, this unfortunately does not allow me to see Megan Fox in her smalls, rolling around on a beach in the South Pacific. However, what it does allow me to do is to monitor the search terms that people use to get to my wonderous site of footballing irreverency.

This being the case, if you have seen my article’s title in your search results, and arrived here today expecting to read a peice dedicated to a new member of Optimus Prime’s robot gang, then I’m afraid that Google has let down in your quest this time. If however, you just wanted a picture of Megan Fox draped over a motorcycle, then feast your eyes on these apples!

Anyway, let’s have a bit of fun, and ensure that I get a regular stream of Transformers fans arriving here in disappointment. You see, I am told that Google Search works by making a note of keywords in the title and body of any given article, bumping your entry up the results list if you’ve mentioned the searched terms more than other sites have mentioned them. Considering this, and the fact that (including the title) there have already been six Transformers-related references (now there are seven) in the first three paragraphs of this article, I wonder what will happen if I do this…

Transformers! Revenge Of The Fallen! Optimus Prime! Robots hitting each other! Shia La Beouf is constantly in a panicked state! Michael Bay makes rubbish movies! Transformers! Robots in disguise!

Let’s see how that pans out then…

Anyway, those are the finer points out of the way, let’s move on to the main course of this banquet of insight. As I mentioned in my Premier League Predictions, last week I booked a train ticket for Eddie’s Football Blog’s chief reporter to go down to Portsmouth and investigate why Pompey striker Aruna Dindane has suddenly become a player able to score a Premier League hat-trick.

You see, after the player’s frankly comical display against Spurs a few weeks back, where he showcased an array of finishing that would shock even Chris Iwelumo, I smelt a rat. You don’t just transform (see, I used that word again!) over night. What had happened to the Ivorian? Why had he suddenly started to find the back of the net instead of the car park?

As ever, our reporter was without any form of camera, so has had to resort to the pixel-perfect imagery that can only be offered by Microsoft Paint, in order to depict what he saw in Portsmouth that day. Below we can see his findings and the truth, I’m sure you’ll agree, really is shocking…

You might need a minute to take all of that in. I know I certainly did. Deep breaths…

As you can see, our reporter must have tailed Dindane to the secret lair of Pompey Director Of Football Avram Grant (aka Baron Silas Greenback), which (as we previously discovered) he has set up in the city’s Blue Reef Aquarium. Since that discovery, it appears that (alongside plans to develop the club’s academy) he has also developed a concept he once saw in an Austin Powers movie a few years ago – namely, sharks with freakin’ lazers attached. What this means for mankind, I can only speculate. However, given that it has nothing to do with the Ivorian’s form, we better leave that to MI5 (or MI6. If i’m honest, I never really know which one is which).

So, why is little Aruna visiting the den of his evil super-villain boss? The truth is that Greenback has also devloped what he calls a ‘Striker’s Serum’. Initially he developed the serum to help him ’score’ with women, as it became apparent that evil toad looking villains cannot pull girls, even on a night out in Portsmouth. However, upon testing his potion, it came to light that not only can it help a man score with women, but it can also help with scoring in every other sense of the word. The serum can make an individual become an expert at keeping a tally during darts matches in the pub, composing music and, most importantly in this case, hitting the onion bag on the football pitch.

It all makes sense now. Greenback, in a desperate attempt to keep Pompey up, has started injecting the Ivorian with a scientific concoction that is guaranteed to get him scoring goals. Like Big Sam’s masterplan, The Baron’s scheme surely cannot fail.

The picture shows club doctor Nigel Sellars readying Dindane for his latest shot of the good stuff. Greenback (who is watching on, cackling in delight, and sporting a grey suit he borrowed from his friend Dr. Evil) had hoped not to get any of the staff involved in the experiment, but ended up having to draft Sellars in after it emerged that his evil crow henchman was unable to administer an injection due to having a pair of wings and no opposable thumbs. It would have been a total mess, with needles and feathers everywhere. Plus, he’d done a bit of sight-seeing earlier in the week, and got stuck at the Tower of London after he was told that the building would fall down if he dared leave.

As ever with the masterplans of Baron Silas Greenback though, there is a problem. The serum doesn’t appear to be quite right. Having scored a hat-trick after his first dose, Dindane failed to hit the target during Saturday’s loss to Blackburn. However, he did end up waking up on Sunday morning with three Swedish underwear models in his bed. Technically then, he ’scored’ successfully, but it just wasn’t the right type of scoring.

As a result, it looks like poor old Avram will have to go back to the drawing board, otherwise he might find that Dindane turns up to Pompey’s next match having composed a beautiful piano concerto, but is still unable to hit a cow’s backside with a banjo.

(Transformers, Robots In Disguise!)

Another bad week for Mystic Jarv last weekend, here are this weekends predictions

Saturday

Aston Villa V Bolton Wanderers

Since beating Chelsea 3 weeks ago Villa haven’t won a game in the league and only won in the League cup on penalties, Their form is something Villa will want to rectify quickly if they serious want to challenge for Europe this season.

After 2 4-0 thumpings at the hand of Chelsea in their last 2 games Gary Megson will be glad to see the back of them for now at least however a trip to Villa park is not any easy away game either.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 1-0 to Villa
Aston Villa V Bolton Wanderers match discussion

Blackburn Rovers V Portsmouth

Pompey’s results have picked up a little to match their playing form and this is a massive game for them, both clubs find themselves in the bottom three and Blackburn are struggling more than i thought they would this season. They should now be over the Swine flu that hit the club and need to bounce back.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 1-0 to Blackburn …..just, however i could see it going the other way too
Blackburn Rovers V Portsmouth match discussion

Manchester City V Burnley

Burnley simply are not very good away from home and i can’t see them getting anything here. City are currently in the top 4 which is where they want to be and will really want to be there over the international break. There really should only be one winner in this game.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 2-0 to City
Manchester City V Burnley match discussion

Tottenham Hotspur V Sunderland

Like Villa, Sunderland have not won since their big victory on the 17th October and will want to get back on track as soon as possible, Lee Cattermole is injured and he ha been their driving force in the middle of the park and without him i believe they will struggle without him.

Spurs have had mixed fortunes from their recent matches and won’t be please by the 3-0 beating at the hands of their neighbours, if Spurs truly have designs on a Champions League place they have to win this game.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 2-1 to Spurs
Tottenham Hotspur V Sunderland match discussion

Wolverhampton Wanderers V Arsenal – 17:30

Wolves have picked up a point in each of their last 3 games, asll 3 of which i predicted them to lose, should they get something from this game they will really surprise me.

Arsenal will be pleased with the win last week against Spurs and Wenger must be delighted with their form, they’re scoring goals for fun. There is discussions about take overs going on at the moment but i don’t think it will put the team off their stride and i expect them to move into 2nd by Saturday night.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 1-3 to Arsenal
Wolverhampton Wanderers v Arsenal match discussion

Sunday

Hull City V Stoke City

Well phil brown is still in charge but you have to ask how much longer, the statement from the new chairman was hardly resounding and should 3 points not be forthcoming against Stoke i believe he will be gone by the time they play West Ham,  Should Brown be sacked it gives the club a couple of weeks while the internationals are on to find a New boss. The question is, is there anyone better out there that will want to goto Hull?

Stoke Captain Abdoulaye Faye says they can qualify for Europe this season, big brave words given the competition this season, if they are to then they have to win this game.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 0-1 to Stoke
Hull City V Stoke City match discussion

West Ham United v Everton

It was a bitter-sweet midweek for West ham, beating Villa was a top result but losing Carlton Cole was a blow to them, before that game they were struggling for form. Everton were struggling even more and are having a terrible season by their recent standards and failed to pick up a win in the whole of October.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 1-1 Draw
West Ham United V Everton match discussion

Wigan Athletic V Fulham

12th V 11th in the league, I didn’t see the game against Roma but i undertstand Fulham were unlucky to be down to 9 men. Still at the end of the day the Premier league is their bread and butter and this game is more important in the long term, beating Liverpool was a fantastic result for them and they will want to follow it up against Wigan.

Wigan got thumped at Portsmouth last week and have had a few mixed results since beating Chelsea, they have conceeded lots of goals too and will need to tighten up for this game.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 2-1 Win for Wigan

Chelsea V Manchester United

This game as a United fan worries me, United’s defence has been quite porous of late and Chelsea have been scoring lots of goals and playing great football but it’s never quite that simple is it. I believe United will be really up for this game and could just nick a win but to do that they need to cut out the defensive and keeping errors that plagued the game against CSKA on Tuesday. The normally steady Van der sar will definitely want the first and third goal back and a keeper of his stature shouldn’t have been beaten so easily.

United need to keep Drogba and Anelka quiet if they do that they have a chance, Chelsea have to nullify United’s Wingers which could be key to the game

Mystic Jarv predicts a 1-2 for United (might be being an optimistic United fan here)
Chelsea V Manchester United match discussion

Monday

Liverpool V Birmingham City

Under normal circumstances in other seasons this would be such an obvious prediction but Liverpool are struggling and with Gerrard and Torres both doubtful and both possibly needing surgery on injuries 2009/2010 could be shaping up to be Liverpool’s worst season for many a year.

A draw against City and a victory against Sunderland are 2 results that surprised me a little , I tink they will lose this game but if they can frustrate Liverpool ealry on they might, just might get something.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 2-0 win for Liverpool
Liverpool V Birmingham City match discussion

Other Stuff

Although i Know nothing about boxing Mystic Jarv predicts a win for Haye against Valuev, like i said i know nothing so don’t put your house on it

Written by Jarv

31 ekim 2009 portsmouth wigan macinda Arouna Dindane’ nin 3 ncü golünden sonra kamera zoom yaptı bu amcaya. benim de dikkatimi çekmişti. Ben de blog takipçileri için zoom yaptım kendisine. Fanatikliğin zirvesi bu olsa gerek…

A good week last week 8 out of 10 correct results and 1 fully correct score. I  Play Supoer 6 on sky too and got the time for the first goal right 5 out of 6 correct results which was the same as the guy who won, looks like i was just unlucky at being drawn out of a hat, however if Everton had won the game at the death i’d have been a few grand richer.

Anyway onto this week:

Wolverhampton Wanderers V Aston Villa

Things are going well for Villa, beating Chelsea last weekend was a good achievement and leaves them only 6 points off the top and 3 points off third with a game in hand.

Wolves picked up a good point away at Everton last weekend and for their sake its a good thing they did as they have visits from Villa and Arsenal and a tough trip to Stoke in their next 3, all of which they will do well to get anything out. I can’t see them getting anything personally and i reckon they will be in the bottom 3 by the time of the International break, it doesnt get any easier after that though as they have to goto Stamford bridge.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 2-1 win for Villa
Wolverhampton Wanderers v Aston Villa Match Discussion

Birmingham City V Sunderland

With a little help from a Beach ball Sunderland got a great result against Liverpool, regardless of whether it should have been a drop ball, Sunderland were by far the better team and deserved the 3 points and currently lie 7th only 6 points off the top, this is the same club that marginally stayed up last year and has had a remarkable turnaround under Bruce’s leadership.

Birmingham have a new owner and will have 80 million to spend on players over the next 2 windows,  For their sake they need some points on the board before the end of December to make sure the £40 million will be enough to help them stay up.

Sunderland have the better team and squad and i think will have too much for Brum

Mystic Jarv predicts a 2-0 win for Sunderland
Birmingham City V Sunderland match discussion

Burnley V Wigan Athletic

Burnley have a great record at home, 100% in fact and they will need to continue that to survive this season or start picking up a few away from home. The question is if they do lose at home will it destroy their form and confidence but i’m betting 12 points from their first 9 games, they’d have taken that at the start of the season. Were a quarter of the way into the season more or less so they need to continue that points to games ratio and they’ll be easily safe.

Wigan are a bit of an enigma beating Chelsea and then losing to Hull and will need to find some form and pick up some points. I believe they will stay up as there are at least 3 worse teams than them but they will do well to win this weekend.

Mystic Jarv predicts 1-0 to Burnley
Burnley V Wigan Athletic match discussion

Hull City V Portsmouth

Two of the bottom 3 meet in Hull and neither will want to lose, Portsmouth have been playing better than their results show but you don’t win anything by playing nice football, just ask Arsenal fans, Portsmouth really have to win this game .

Hull also really need to win this game, I personally will be astounded if Hull are a premier league club next season, i could and have said the same for Portsmouth but they apparently have cash to spend in January to strengthen the squad, whether it’s too late or not will depend whether they can get anything from this and other games.

Mystic Jarv predicts Portsmouth to win 1-0
Hull City V Portsmouth match discussion

Tottenham Hotspur V  Stoke City

Jermain Defoe is quite rightly missing this game for a stupid and dangerous stamp so it looks like Crouch and Keane will start up front, if they win this one they will go into the Derby against Arsenal above them in the table which after the last few seasons will be a bit of a relief.

Stoke are doing great this season, in the top half of the table with 12 points having already played Liverpool, Chelsea and Man United, Like Burnley i’m betting they would have taken that before the season started. I don’t think they will have enough to beat Spurs at White hart lane though.

Mystic Jarv predicts 2-1 to Spurs
Tottenham Hotspur V Stoke City match discussion

Chelsea V Blackburn Rovers

Chelsea got a great result against Athletico destroying them 4-0, it certainly looks like the transfer ban hasn’t affected them much if at all, they lost last time out in the Premier League against Villa and lost top spot for the second time this season. This is a good opportunity to regain it before their main rival has a tough game at Liverpool on Sunday.

Blackburn are about where i expect them to finish this season middle of the bottom half, This is a very tough game for them after narrowly beating Burnley at home last week they have both Chelsea and Manchester United away in their next 2 league games

Mystic Jarv predicts 2-0 to Chelsea
Chelsea V Blackburn Rovers match discussion

Check back tomorrow for tomorrow’s predictions

Written by Jarv

Portsmouth Football Club’s chief executive says he is "astonished" over plans to charge him with cheating the public revenue…. From BBC News. Full story

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Bring on Pompey! I was beginning to lose my mind and developed writers block, but a lot has come up over the past few weeks which needed a bit of a recap. Some funny stuff and some on the senseless end of things.

Bodyguards for ‘Arry

I laughed when I read this. Were they being serious? I guess there will be a lot of hostility towards ‘Arry for leaving Pompey the way that he did and for taking 3 of their best players with him. With all due respect to Pompey fans, Defoe, Crouch and Kranjcar were leaving whether it was for Spurs or any other team. You can’t blame them as there hasn’t been stability at the club for quite some time. Was reading an interesting article on the blog THBN, and the post was about how players should celebrate when they score against their old teams. I can understand Crouchie and Kranjcar not wanting to overly celebrate (hopefully they both score today), but I think Defoe should definitely celebrate. He wore lilywhite before ever playing for Portsmouth.

The alcoholic Brazilian

Adriano to Spurs? No thanks. I can name a few reasons why. The guy might have one of the most powerful left footed strikes in football but he also has a real problem with overconsumption of alcohol. We all know folks that alcoholics and ‘Arry don’t mix like wine and Coke. Fluctuations in his weight, inconsistency in match fitness levels, mood swings and temper tantrums are some of the things we would have to deal with. Worst of all, these behavioral issues were during his Inter Milan days, a Champions League side. A close friend of mine is a die hard Inter fan and I am sure he would say the same thing: say no to Adriano!

Pav

Direct swap for Huntelaar? I don’t believe it. I do think Pav is leaving in January even though I really don’t want to see him go. Does that mean we’ll be in for another striker in the window? Probably. But who?

Back to the Premier league after the international break and a few teams have injury worries and knocks to consider, several players missed the midweek internationals, however i’m betting most of them are playing this saturday.

Anyway here we go

Aston Villa V Chelsea – Early Kick off

This will be a tight game after the internationals, i Believe, maybe wrongly, Chelsea have had more players on international duty and will have travelled further.

This season will be tough for Villa, last season they only really had Everton to contend with for the Europa League this year there is Manchester City in the mix as well as spurs and that makes them one of 8 or maybe more teams vying for the top 5 European places from the league, but of course there might be more depending on the results of the Cups. This must give them lots of pressure and it will be interesting to see how they do.

Chelsea are top of the league again after United stumbled at home to Sunderland and will want to ensure they will still be there at the end of the weekend but its a tough game away at Villa.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 1-1 draw

Aston Villa V Chelsea match discussion

Arsenal V Birmingham City

Will this game can only go one way surely, Birmingham have trouble scoring  and Arsenal have the best goal difference in the division.

Mcleish apparently have 40 million to spend in January and for them to progress they need to spend it well, until they they will have to work and battle hard to keep their head above water, their only chance against arsenal is to frustrate the gunners but in my opinion sooner or later the damn will break and if it happens early Brum could be on the end of a hiding

Mystic Jarv predicts 2-0 to Arsenal

Arsenal V Birmingham City match discussion

Everton V Wolverhampton Wanderers

After their horrendous start Everton are in the top half and are only 2 wins from third with a game in hand however i’m sure their realistic aim is the Europa League although like Villa they might find that a tough ask this season.

Wolves are beginning to be almost where i expect them to end up, thats in the bottom three and they have Villa at home next and Stoke away, both games they will do well to get anything out of.

Mystic Jarv predicts 2-0 to Everton

Everton V Wolverhampton Wanderers match discussion

Manchester United V Bolton Wanderers

Every week Bolton are described as battlers and thats because thats what they are , they don’t play free flowing football and have found their niche which has allowed them to stay in the top division longer than most people probably would have forecast.

United were woeful against Sunderland and in thew eyes of some fans the blame falls solely on the shoulders of Ben Foster. Personally i think its harsh but no more than i expected. I’m not saying he has been faultless but on a few occasions he’s been made the scapegoat where others were far more culpable.

It’s likely that Van der Sar will make his return and i hope for his sake he is faultless or he might find himself being jumped on.  Whether Edwins return inspires confidence or not i think Bolton might be on the end of a backlash.

Mystic Jarv predicts 3-0 to United

Manchester United V Bolton match discussion

Portsmouth V Tottenham Hotspur

Much of the discussion in the media has been what sort of reception Harry Redknapp will get, after winning the Cup and giving Pompey some good finishes in the league then he should get a good reaction from the Pompey faithful.

Pompey won last time out and that must have been a huge relief to paul Hart, their players and they fans. They will have to work hard to keep in touch and not be adrift come January where they will apparently have cash to spend. Avram Grant has been brought in as director of football and I can see him taking over should results not improve quickly.

Spurs got a point away at Bolton last time which is a venue they have struggled at in the past and other than against United and Chelsea have started the season well and will i think have too much for Portsmouth here

Mystic Jarv predicts 1-3 to Spurs

Portsmouth V Tottenham Hotspur match discussion

Stoke City V West Ham United

I can only see one winner here, Stoke are very tough to beat at home and West ham’s squad isn’t great and has a shortage of goals, not a good combination.

There have been a few rumblings of discontent at Zola too and they desperately need points to stop them being dragged into a season long relegation fight.

Mystic Jarv predicts 1-0 to Stoke

Stoke City V Sunderland match discussion

Sunderland V Liverpool

Liverpool apparently have worries over both Gerrard and Torres however i’m betting both will play. Liverpools defence hasn’t looked as good as in previous years and Jones and Bent ill put them under lots of pressure at home and if Sunderland play like they did against United they have a good chance of getting something from this game.

Mystic Jarv predicts a 2-1 win for Sunderland

Sunderland V Liverpool match discussion

Written by Jarv

So there you go, Sunday and Mondays games will be added Sunday

Billionaire Saudi Arabian businessman Ali Al Faraj has completed his takeover of Portsmouth.

The club’s official website confirms in an official statement that Sulaiman Al Fahim, who took control of the Blues in July, has sold 90 per cent of the club to Al Faraj.

Al Fahim will retain 10 per cent of the club and will remain on the board until at least the end of the 2010-11 season.

Al Faraj will join the board along with his associate, Mark Jacob, and Peter Storrie will retain his post as chief executive officer.

The 40-year-old Al Faraj is a respected property investor in the Middle East and has already passed the Premier League’s fit and proper persons test.

A Pompey spokesman said: “The takeover will ensure Portsmouth Football Club’s future is safe and will bring financial stability.

“Once the takeover is complete the club will undergo refinancing in order to grow and develop every part of the business.

“Mr Al Faraj is very supportive of the club’s plans for a new training ground and the development of Fratton Park.”

Goal

Saudi business tycoon Ali Al Faraj completes his takeover of Portsmouth, acquiring a 90% stake in the Premier League club…. From BBC News. Full story

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A new takeover of Portsmouth could move a step closer when lawyers representing owner Sulaim Al Fahim and Saudi tycoon Ali Al Faraj meet in London on Monday…. From BBC News. Full story

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here is this Saturdays premier league predictions, Last week i got 7 results right and 1 perfect score, the ones i got wrong were I had Villa to win at Blackburn, Chelsea to win at Wigan and Birmingham to beat Bolton, so lets see how i get on this week:

Bolton Wanderers V Tottenham Hotspur

Spurs wont find Bolton away an easy prospect, certainly tougher than Burnley at home and its looking likely they will be without Jermain Defoe, all that means is they bring in Peter Crouch who got a Hat Trick on his last start to partner Robbie Keane who got 4 goals last weekend. Modric is still missing and whether he would have made the difference against Manchester United and Chelsea we will never know. Spurs lie 4th on the same points as Liverpool above them and Man City below them and i think had someone asked Harry before the season, he’d have taken that at this stage. Bolton picked up a good 3 points away at Birmingham and its a good thing they did because after this game, they goto Old Trafford, host Everton and then Chelsea and then goto Villa, thats 5 games in a row i can’t see them getting anything out of, Bolton will have to battle for any points out of these games and they might be able to frustrate one or maybe 2 of the teams to get a draw or 2

Mystic Jarv predicts Bolton Wanderers 0 – 2 Tottenham Hotspur
Bolton Wanderers v Tottenham Hotspur match discussion

Burnley V Birmingham City

Burnley are strong at home with a 100% record and have lost every game away conceding 14 goals in the 4 away losses without troubling the scorers, the worry for Burnley is if they suffer a loss of form at home they will be doomed, still 9 points from their first 7 games is about as good as they could have hoped for , especially when the games include Man United, Chelsea, Everton, Spurs and a trip to the notoriously tricky Britannia Stadium to play Stoke City. Birmingham are exactly where they need to be at the end of the season, with at least 3 teams below them, i’m sure Alex Mcleish will be very happy should they finish 3 points above the bottom 3 at the end of the season. I had Birmingham to win last week at home against Bolton, not so this week.

Mystic Jarv predicts Burnley 1 – 0 Birmingham City
Burnley V Birmingham City match discussion

Hull City V Wigan Athletic

Hull are in trouble this season, only kept off the bottom by the pointless Portsmouth and Phil Brown must be feeling the pressure. They have 6 games now against teams that are currently near the bottom or expected to be there by the end of the season and its Vital to their season they get something out of these games or risk being too far adrift, This time last season everyone was amazed how well they ere doing at the top end of the table, this season its more like what was expected. Wigan will be massively buoyed by beating Chelsea, their first win against a “Big 4″ club in 35 attempts and find themselves in the top half of the table and will want to capitalise on that by taking 3 more points against Hull before entertaining Man City after the International break

Mystic Jarv predicts Hull City 0 – 1 Wigan Athletic
Hull City V Wigan Athletic match discussion

Wolverhampton Wanderers V Portsmouth

I really think Wolves will be back in the Championship next season however their saviour might be that Hull and Portsmouth are really poor and they will likely only need to be better than 1 more club, they got a beating last time out 5-2 at Sunderland, a result that flattered Sunderland but never the less Wolves defending was shocking. Portsmouth are in big trouble, 7 games, no points, players unpaid and the Premier league threatening to step in to take over the club to save them from administration, I feel sorry for the Pompey fans but i can’t see things getting any better anytime soon, whether their new owner has any actual cash i don’t know but it will become evident very quickly if he hasn’t.

Mystic Jarv predicts Wolverhampton Wanderers 1 – 0 Portsmouth
Wolverhampton Wanderers V Portsmouth match discussion

Manchester United V Sunderland

With Owen missing though injury this is an opportunity for Macheda or Welbeck to be on the bench and possibly get some game time, United went top for the first time this season last week on goal difference and despite not looking their best at time have kept picking up wins, Lots of people said United would struggle without Ronaldo and they have taken a while to learn the system they are playing this season. It can also be said they are less predictable without Ronaldo and goals have come from a number of players, 8 in total i believe. Sunderland got a good win against Wolves, a score line that flattered them a little, one thing is for certain if they get a penalty Darren Bent wont be giving it up after the ear bashing he got from his manager Bruce this week. Sunderland are doing well but i don’t think they aren’t strong enough to goto Old Trafford and win.

Mystic Jarv predicts Manchester United 3 – 0 Sunderland
Manchester United V Sunderland match discussion

So there we go as always visit Away Goals Rule Football Forum for all your football discussion

Written by Jarv

Al Fahim took control of the club in August

Portsmouth’s players have been assured that they will be paid the wages they are owed within the next 48 hours.

Some players were not paid earlier in the week because of “a delay in the transfer of funds” following Sulaiman al Fahim’s recent takeover.

Al Fahim took control of the club in August but doubts have constantly surrounded his financial suitability.

The club, who are bottom of the Premier League, sold several of their highest earners in the last transfer window.

Those players included England internationals Glen Johnson and Peter Crouch.

“Portsmouth FC can confirm that the first-team squad and executive board was not paid yesterday (Wednesday),” a statement read.

“The club is currently being refinanced by the owner Sulaiman al Fahim following the recent completion of his takeover.

“There was a delay in the transfer of funds but the lawyers have received confirmation that this will happen today which will enable the players to be paid within the next 24 to 48 hours. The players have all been informed of the situation.

“The executive board will continue to help the new owner in his efforts to refinance which has come about as a direct consequence of the banks’ requirements to retain all television receipts and profits generated during the transfer windows.”

Al Fahim recently told the club’s supporters he will inject £50m into the club within the next month.

It is likely the funds will largely be used to clear a reported £40m debt and Al Fahim also insisted his finance plan was guaranteed by international institutions and is backed by firm commitments.

Portsmouth lost their seventh straight Premier League match on Saturday when they were defeated 1-0 by Everton.

The only side to ever lose their first seven and avoided being relegated was Liverpool exactly 100 years ago.

Portsmouth’s move to appoint former Leeds boss Gary McAllister as their new assistant manager collapses after the two parties fail to reach an agreement…. From BBC News. Full story

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Former Leeds United manager Gary McAllister will be named as Portsmouth assistant manager on Tuesday, BBC Radio Solent understands…. From BBC News. Full story

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I watched Pompey for the first time this season against Everton and they played well. Tim Howard was forced into a number of good saves and a few good chances were missed without the need of Howard’s intervention.

However, the team finds itself with the worst start to a Premiership season ever. Pointless after 7 games leads me to the conclusion that they could not have played that well in all other 6. So, does Paul Hart put the previous 6 down to the team finding its feet and continue as if the 7th was the way the team will go on to play. Or, does he think that having played well in the 7th game and taken no points requires a drastic change.

I would point to the latter because Everton were poor. If Everton had played well then I could see an argument for sticking with the team but Everton were as poor as Pompey were good.

It is clear that Pompey need to do something to make them somewhat of an enigma; difficult to beat but will have a chance of nicking a win if 0-0 in the 85th minute. Looking at the players at Paul Hart’s disposal then I think reverting the mid to late 90’s is the way to go – 3-5-2 – wing backs.

Both centre backs at the weekend are considered alongside Titus Bramble as the most culpable defenders of the Premier League. By playing three at the back there should be cover for each one and Pompey also have an overload of players in this position but not many full backs; Kabul, Ben Haim, Hreidarsson, Wilson,  Vanden Borre.

In terms of wing backs, Belhadj and the aforementioned Vanden Borre provide the obvious options but Finnan can play on the right and O’Hara comfortably do a job on the left if needed.

Another position of quantity is the centre of midfield; Brown, O’Hara, Diop, Mullins, Hughes, Mokoena, Boateng and Basinas. Pack that with two work horses and allow a creative player to roam with freedom will work wonders.

Hart also has options with his strikers. The squad is not bad in terms of quality but it is unbalanced.

Playing a 3-5-2 will confuse so many other teams in and around Pompey, teams which they should take points off. If a 4-4-2 is played then the two opposing central defenders will be taken up with Pompey’s strikers and the deeper central midfielder will be occupied with the roaming midfield player.

The two strikers of the opposing side will have to deal with 3 centre backs, one will always be spare to take a winger or on coming central midfielder. However, often the central midfielder will be taken by the holding midfielder.

Using this system Pompey will lose against teams like Everton and the other ‘bigger’ sides because the wing play will be more sophisticated than Pompey could handle. However, against teams that they should take points from, Bolton, Birmingham, Hull, Fulham etc. this system will fox the managers and the squad is big enough to keep it fresh and unpredictable. Utaka or Boetang, for example.

Pompey might survive if they make this radical change. They won’t if they do nothing.

Michael Brown insists no-one at Portsmouth is allowing their poor start to the season to affect morale.  Pompey are yet to get off the mark this term, with six defeats suffered in as many Premier League outings.

They currently prop up the top flight table as a result, with boss Paul Hart already seeing his position at the helm come under threat.

Brown, though, is a midfielder who has been around long enough to know that there is little point reading too much into early results.

He remains confident that the South Coast club can clamber to safety and plans on helping to kick-start their ascent in Saturday’s home date with Everton.

He said: “It’s just four points and people are looking at it as if there are six games to go.  Read full story at Sky Sports