Merry Christmas from an American classic!

Blah blah, busy holiday stuff, blah blah blah lack of posting discipline blah blah post-semester mental lethargy.  Too blah to even tweet. blah.  Blah blah blah blah too blah to write posts with detail, blah blah fill in the blanks however you like, blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah hosting Christmas dinner this year, blah blah blah blah trying to get house in some kind of minimally acceptable order.  Blah blah blah blah blah shopping mostly done, have much yet to do to get ready for post-Christmas Vegas expedition. Blah blah.

Blah blah…the other night, K said she “hated me” for first time ever, sniff.  Blah.

Blah blah blah blah K randomly started to eat a bowl of mixed fruit tonight, BLAH BLAH SHOCKED BLAH!

Blah dang blah kid SINGS every single time she is in the bathroom to poop.  Only when pooping, any time, any place.  If she starts singing blah blah blah, pooping is imminent.  It’s like the song of the humpbacks.  Blah. So blah-weird!  Song is random words or tonal sounds spontaneously strung together, blah blah blah poop song is different every time.

Blah blah blah blah 200th half-assed post!  Blah!

For the people who have heard or seen ‘Marley and Me,’ welcome to ‘Vita and I.’

A close friend has gone back to China for Christmas and New Year and needed someone to look after her Pomeranian puppy – Vita.

I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a dog sometime in the New Year, so what a great opportunity to try before I buy.  I’ve looked after a dog before; a Japanese Akita called Lilly.  She is beautiful, quiet and very well trained.  Vita on the other hand is a puppy, and from what I’m learning fast is that she’s had no training at all.  NONE at ALL.

I’ve decided to write short daily updates of the action I encounter with Vita.

Night 1.

Vita comes from a nocturnal household so she must have been annoyed when I finally decided to call it a night at 11.30pm.  The door was closed and the lights turn off in the hallway.  Good night and sweet dreams.  Nope.  At first there was squealing, followed by groaning which ended with howling.  It was 1.30am.  I looked over and nudged the lady and a joint decision was made to bring the mutt in to our room.  The next 2 hours were playful, yet painful.  I’m a light sleeper, so much so that even the footsteps from the outside awake me.  So when Vita started chewing the rug, or licking her ****, it gets on my grits.  It was now 3.30am.  It’s always the same.  You finally drift off and then you have to wake up.  Yep, a cliché start to the day.  The light breaks any chance of snooze time.  The room is quiet, a little too quiet.  Where’s Vita?  I leaned over to find her snoozing on the bed next to the lady (see photo.)

That would explain why I woke up holding on to the edge of the bed.  My attention turned towards the room for piss and poo stains, but all remained clean.  Time for the morning walk, I jumped in the shower.  Apart from the tired eyes and the odd pee stain in the hallway, everything seemed fine until I received a phone this morning…

Lady: “Ermmmm do you have a spare phone charger?”

Me: “Nope”

Lady: “You might need to buy a new one.  Vita has chewed through yours.”

Me: “Great.”

Let’s see what the bitch has in sotre for me tonight.

So today was like most other days at Gramma’s house, except Nathan got to witness all our boringness. He drove down from Seattle to hang out for the day, which was actually really fun : )

I woke up around 7:45 and ate breakfast with Gramma and Pat, then people slowly filtered in. I forgot to add, by the way, that my brother apparently yells in his sleep. GREAT. So, that was a fun morning. Then after mom had had her coffee, that woman can’t do anything without coffee in her system, we started making cookies. It turned out we had no rolling pin, nor cookie cutters for gingerbread cookies, so we… improvised. Mom suggested just cutting out shapes and being “creative” and I said we could use the inside of the paper towel roll holder, which is a wooden rod. That worked out fairly well. Mom got a little floofy and our creativity ended up with a lot of stars, trees, angels and snowmen. That was good until mom decided a christmas zombie was in order, as well as a few stockings, a giant “christmas molar”, a creepy reindeer, and some mistletoe. Strange things I made included an igloo, octopus, sheep, bear, aaand we made a series of worms as well. Thrilling, am I right? Mind you, Nathan came in time to see my horrible frosting decorating skills, which gave me a wicked hand cramp.

After that we did the most thrilling thing to do, and went down to the beach. He was very wary of our scary slippery stairs, but I went down first, so he could fall on me. I doubt this would realistically help much, but maybe we could heroically/romantically plummet/roll to our death together. You’ll all be happy to know that we made it down, and walked a ways, picking up junk like normal. Nathan found a very large wine jug, and I found some cool shells. He helped me find sea glass for my momma and I even found a purple piece! We skipped shells and rocks for a bit, and then headed back up the stairs, which is always a little less scary, but it’s a long ways up and you have to remember there’s poo on the top step.

We went in and tried to do a crossword with Gramma, but it’s the Sunday one, so we all failed and gave up. Mom made some shortbread cookies while we were out, and I got them all to play Oh Heck, which is probably my favorite card game. It is also called Crap On Your Neighbor, which is the much less classy title. Nathan did surprisingly well, and landed solidly in the middle at the end after quietly leading for the first half or so. Everyone dispersed after that, so Nathan and I played speed until his parents showed up. His mom invited me to dinner with them, which was really nice, so I accepted. I’m not sure I even remember the name of the place, but it was a fun time. His parents are really nice and kinda cute.

After dinner they took me home, and I left Nathan and his sweet puppy dog, who came along for the ride. My family was finishing dinner, so I had some leafy greens. After dinner we played a domino based game called Mexican Train, which is much less racist than it sounds. Mom and Ian quit doing the puzzle and went to bed. This puzzle is shaped like a wolf and has tons of animals inside, so it is super hard to do. Dad and Gramma and I finished it after they left, but there is ONE piece missing from the middle. That puzzle took TWO WHOLE DAYS practically, and it is missing a piece. I’m convinced Ian has it somewhere, so he can do the last piece, but he can’t take the satisfaction away from me that I did a LOT of that puzzle. I’m going to sleep soon, satisfied that I have had a glorious day. Gnight! Sleep pretty!

Bloody bloody bloody Mary.

According to ‘Down For Everyone Or Just Me’ twitter is up, but I can’t find it nowhere nohow.

The stupid twitter status page is also down- maybe they should create a facebook fan page and update it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Iranian Cybernetic Army whatcamacallits claiming they did something to something and I gots no twitters now- waaaaaaaaaah

Ah fark…too much to eat/drink at Christmas lunch. I feel sick and I may need a nanna nap.

Also having the need to pee without a poo dilemma but the number 2 will not back the fuck off.

One step at a time.

i nearly did a double front flip on accident, hamish did a shit on purpose.

Is there a such a thing as too much poo?

Will we each reach a day where our poo-tolerance has been exceeded?

Ian might have reached his poo saturation point over at ImpactEDnurse.com

I’m having trouble with commenting on some blogger blogs, so if you’d expect me to comment but I haven’t then that’s why.

In particular, I wanted to sympathise with Sarah over her poo problem. I hope it gets better soon.

I saw this on someone’s  facebook page (love your comment, Rob). Please Mr. Photographer or who ever has this fetish use Berlin as your next backdrop. Just bring the girls, there is plenty of the other stuff. Especially around Mitte. Many Thanks.

i am tired of final exams.

poo.

i just want to sleep.

i just want to spend my whole day playing the sims 3 and mario kart and forget about the mean ol’ world.

the world takes all the fun out of everything.

“oh hey, wanna Happy Meal? Children in Africa never have happy meals.”

i will never be able to change the world.

i am fine with that.

i don’t want to change the world.

the world validates all of the things i stand for.

you may not believe in a heaven or God because of the world.

“the world is too chaotic. how could there exist such a God or a heaven?”

college fumbles my beliefs around.

i’m not afraid to say it.

i stumble to figure out what my stance is on marriage, sexuality, politics, death, love, relationships, knowledge…

i have never been in a relationship.

i have never dated.

I AM A VIRGIN.

who cares?

what am i attracted to?

i don’t know.

who cares?

i won’t judge you if you don’t judge me.

i look to God for answers.

i want to know what i am thinking.

i want to take control of my thoughts.

i can’t.

i won’t.

my mental chaos makes me what i am.

i love being random.

i love not making sense.

i love to make people ask “why?”

i love confusing people.

i love surprise people and i love to keep people guessing.

what are these thoughts?

WHAT AM I THINKING?!

i love the unpredictable.

i live by no one’s standards but my own.

i know what i enjoy and i know what i feel.

but what does it all mean?

who cares?

why question it?

do i need to know who i am to be more mature?

i’m not ready to grow up.

i probably never will.

i talk big…

Tweet Your Poop

• 為了證實這是不是我心裡所想的那種app，我還真的下載來試用了…
• 對，就是。這是一個把你的poo-poo的形狀和質感，用一種卡通化的形象，推到twitter上的軟體。
• 我試了幾種變化組合，得到以下幾張截圖（我覺得圖畫不大好看，文字倒是有點意思）。

P.s.

之前也有介紹過一個便便時玩的iphone app：[有趣] iPoo ：iphone是您的便便良伴嗎？想要跟大家結為poo友嗎？來，＄1.99元。

I forgot to tell about the poo.
Cleopatra goes out into the yard and instead of picking up dog poo with a plastic bag and tying the top of it and putting it into the alley garbage she gets toilet paper and picks it up and brings it into the house to throw into the toilet.
One time she missed on the way to the bathroom and I found a log of poo in the dogs’ big water bowl just floating there all innocent like (don’t you love that poo character on South Park! Hi-frickin-larious).
So the other day I go into the downstairs bathroom and sit on the toilet to pee and I smell something so nasty that I start looking around thinking ‘what the hell?’. Then I see RIGHT BEHIND MY HEAD on a shelf below the window are four toilet paper batches of poo piled high!
She must have meant to put them in separately so as not to clog the toilet.
But then she forgot.
That’s what I get for not picking up the yard messes earlier!

ICK!

Instead of posting a poo graphic I will substitute it with the graphic I designed for the front of the thank you cards our EDGE Professional Filmmakers via Artist Trust class gave to our various teachers during the course. It mimics the Vietnam war rifle with a flower coming out of the barrel. I think that image was circulated during the Vietnam war. I also think it’s weird that the art movements happening here during that war and all its loud flesh and soul protests and violence were minimalist and conceptual art – so clean, hard-edged and cold in contrast.

which do I want more:

a blog in which I say everything I want to say, yet no one reads

OR

a blog in which I compromise and conform to get some attention?

poo.

Poo Restaurant

Don’t forget a to go bag.

Submitted by: dunno source via Engrish Funny Submissions

Figured it was time to post a photographic update on all things furry in our house.  These cats keep the house feeling very full and interesting every day.  Cookie Monster is still very much the nutty, affectionate, playful baby.  Juno is a little more serious and dignified but once she bonded with Cookie, she has loosened up and spends a lot more time now playing too.  Overall they are pretty good companions.  We refer to Juno as the “cat-dog” because she follows FF around like a devoted hound and licks his arms and legs for affection and attention.  She runs to the door and eagerly greets him every time we come home. Very un-cat-like.

And most amazingly, tonight I stashed Cookie in the downstairs bathroom because she was harassing and chasing Juno ad nauseum and making everyone nuts.  So I captured her and put her in “cat time out”.  Anyway, I went to let her out after a bit, and was mentally kicking myself for not hiding the toilet paper before putting Cookie in there, as she loves to shred it whenever possible.  I went in to assess the damage and found that ONCE AGAIN, she pooped in the toilet like a damn human!  It’s crazy!

Anyway, without further adieu, here are some recent snapshots:

Um, yeah...that looks comfortable...

Juno meditating on those last 6 stairs.

Awww, aren't we cute and innocent?

Could I be any blacker or pouffier, or more beautiful?

Improvisational Sunning Techniques 101

Excuse me, do you mind if I rest my head on your butt?

Grooming, Grooming, Grooming....

Doesn't my fur look magnificent against this contrasting pink bag??

Bad exposure but Juno is CRAZY for this paper with pink fuzzballs glued on. She kept taking it to the stairs and throwing it around.

IT'S MY PAPER!!! I ALONE WILL RULE IT!

Yesterday I took a trip out to the farming property of Cheshunt, a 140 klm round trip from my place. It was an overcast morning with showers hanging from the Great Western Tiers nearby. It was very quiet, extremely quiet.

I went out to photograph a number of subjects that I wanted to draw in coloured pencil and also to produce a folio of digital prints for a photographic group that I had recently joined. With me I took the mug that I had found earlier in the year and placed it in several locations that I photographed.

I have included some samples of the images I took. You will notice a common theme – bird poo! Yay!! Am I weird or am I weird?

How do you react to these images now that you know what they are? These are only in their basic stages and there’s a lot more to be done to each of them.

Drawing these in coloured pencil will be a real challenge. Recently I bought a box of 72 Derwent Coloursoft pencils and I think they will be ideally suited to this task, more-so than the Polychromos and Prismacolors I normally use.

I went back to explore the two rooms that I have drawn recently and found more graffiti on one of the doors.

A great number of the 126 photos I took have given me much optimism regarding future artworks.

Richard

Is that the best you got?

As a parent you have no dignity anymore – or any shred you do have remaining will soon be eroded away.

Mothers, fathers – all will be familiar with this but I only recently learned the full extent of the impact fatherhood would have on my dignity.

I’m way past the singing silly songs in public or dealing with a terrible-twos-tantrum in the middle of a busy department store packed with unsympathetic Christmas shoppers.  Way past that.

I have no qualms with screeching out my own versions of ‘Old MacDonald had a farm’ at the checkout in Sainsbury’s.  If it will keep my son happy (after he’s sat through an hour of loading things into a trolley) to hear about a farm that has a police car/fire engine/dinosaur then that’s what he’ll get.

But recently things went to a new – I hesitate to say ‘low’ – let’s stick with ‘level’, a new level.

Bathroom based episodes

I’ve been a little unwell recently.  Nothing major, certainly not debilitating – no man ‘flu here I’ve bravely soldiered on.

Suffice to say I’ve discovered two things: one, a food to with which my intestines disagree strongly; and two that as a result I can produce both wind and ’stuff’ of a nuclear grade which should have the Iranian regime beating a path to my door as they look for new ways to irk the UN.

No-one needs to see what goes on in here...

It was during one of these ‘bathroom based episodes’ I discovered the final tier of my dignity.  These moments are best endured alone – as we all know.  My son was fed, watered, safe and content with toys so I slipped away for a silent (ish), gut-wrenching moment alone.

Moments later there was a banging on the bathroom door.  “Daddy?” came the plaintive voice that more yanks than tugs on my heart-strings at the best of times.  “Daddy?”

“Daddy’s in the loo – I’ll be out soon.” I explained “Go and find a blue car…” or something to distract him.  Seconds passed…

“Daddy – in the loo?” he mimicked.  Much to-ing and fro-ing ensued the result: he wasn’t budging.  Worse – he wanted in.  He wasn’t to know what was going on inside that white tiled room.  How do you explain that?  Would you even want to?

After many (many) more heart-wrenching “Daddy!”’s I did the mournful trousers-around-ankles-shuffle and opened the bathroom door.

My son then joyfully stood there, playing with a toy taxi watching (and listening) to my struggles – occasionally chipping in with useful comments like: “Daddy… doin’ a poo.” and the smirk-enducing “Daddy’s bum – go beep beep!”

When even moments that you’re nearing your lowest ebb have to be shared, dignity is a thing of the past.  And, odd though it may seem, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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