I might be heavyset, but I’m not a heavy smoker.  You’re smoking like a chimney, and I’m just letting off steam.  You’re also more likely to get hit by an airplane and fall in an earthquake, so there.

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In this hand written postcard from Las Vegas, Rooney attempted to reassure the Engerland boss Fabio Capio that he and his mates were working hard to get match fit while staying at the Man Utd Pub And Leisure Resort at the MGM Grand, Las Vegas.

But given Engerland’s subsequent dismal display and Rooney’s worse impersonation of a professional soccer player at the finals it became all too apparent that both he and his teamates from The English Premierboat League Also Known As: The Wife Beater’s League/The Punch A Woman In The Face League/The Racist Chant League, it was soon clear that they were all playing way too far out of their league.

Former Manchester United intellectual player David ‘Mumbles’ Beckham mused “I dunno what ‘e was ‘finking about”.

Look, if you take your tray over and clear the tables from the rehearsal dinner, I’ll wait tables in the main dining room.  I promise to give you one-half percent of any tips I get.  Don’t do the math.

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Blog Milestone: This is the 600th Daily Graff!

]]> http://thedailygraff.com/2013/02/08/white-noise/ Fri, 08 Feb 2013 05:05:03 +0000 J. A. Robinson http://thedailygraff.com/2013/02/08/white-noise/

I hate being Styrofoam!  Our minds are full of holes!  It’s driving me nuts trying to remember, based on our shape, just what we protected.  I can’t think outside the box.

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But not my photo taking! So in the coming days I’ll hopefully be posting a lot more photos for your convenience.

Here are some photos from last month’s Perestroika show. Perestroika, for those who don’t know, is the greatest drag show in the history of the world. And I’ve been given the honor and privilege to photograph these amazing people both on stage and off. I feel like I’m close to organizing all these photos I’ve taken into something really special. More to follow! Special love goes out to Katya, Frieda, Nicholle, and Sapphira!

The most famous artistic medium in all the world is named after us: Duct Tape.

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True, I can rip you open and make you spill your guts.  That doesn’t mean we can’t all be friends.

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Oh, it’s going to be so close!  If I can land on the mailbox, I’ll have a starring role in this production and not just be one of the thousands of extras.

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We can clearly see that you are new around here.  What’s your sign?

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Because of all the leaks from the white tub, our cover has been blown, and our whole operation has been exposed.  Some of our seals might be in danger.  I might be a drain on this organization, but if the plumber doesn’t find who’s responsible for the leaks, I will, and that operative will be cut off from our sources and face punitive action.  I believe waterboarding is torture, but I might not care.

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I guess, the other thing which happened, and helped to trigger these CV thoughts, was some woman who sent an e-mail asking if any jobs were available. Frankly, our shop has three mouths to feed already. The nest is full. So, Doreen sent an apologetic reply back to her.

I think my CV would be pretty sparse. My name, address, contact details, followed by a large “Eeeeeeerrrmmmm”? People say, to have a good CV these days, you should put a photo of yourself on the front… There is no problem with that concept, it’s just a matter of choosing which one. To be honest, I am a bit spoiled for choice in that department. Maybe the one Matty took of me brushing my teeth in the bathroom… that one is pretty current. Of course I wasn’t dressed at the time, but it’s pretty recent. I think, instead, I may go with “Excited Face”… because people seemed to like that one.

Then of course, there is the interview stage. Presuming “Excited Face” and “Eeeeeeeerrrmmm” gets me that far. First of all, there is the dilemma of what to wear for such an occasion. Then there is the added pressure of looking very serious… something I don’t do well, hence why I am banned from dealing with bereaved customers. Then, there are the questions, which are obviously traps… no interview question is as shallow as it may seem.

“Why do you want this job”?

“Well, to be honest it’s the money… if it wasn’t for the offer of money, I wouldn’t be here”!

“What would you bring to our company”?

“Eeerrrmmm, sandwiches mainly… maybe an an apple, and a yogurt”!

I get the impression, the whole job hunting thing is just one huge trauma. Writing a CV, finding a decent picture, sending shit to companies, befriending various dimwits who act as “Consultants” in “Agencies”. To my mind, “Consultant” translates to “Salesperson” and “Agency” translates to “Crappy office on the top floor”. The whole “Employment Agency” gig is just a front for making money from lazy companies, who can’t be bothered sifting through endless job applicants themselves. I bet, when you get that job, and they receive 20% of your annual salary as a finders fee, they will have a whop-off party… “Yay”!

Lets have a quick look at our e-mail which this woman sent over. It started off by saying she is a fully qualified florist… which is a good start I guess, and quite relevant. But later, she lists all the other things she is good at too.

“I have greeted customers and assessed their requirements”. That actually means… “Hi, can I help you”?

“I have been involved in costing customer orders”… “That’ll be 30 quid please… thanks, bye”!

“I have been involved in dealing with the trade suppliers and supervised orders”… “Hi, can we order 100 red roses please… and eeerrrmmm 50 pink… thanks, pick ‘em up tomorrow… bye”!

“I have taken customer payments and kept records”… “I have tore two receipts off a card machine and put one in the till”.

“I can work unsupervised”!… “Nobody likes me very much”.

“I am punctual and reliable”… “I will turn up to work… honest”.

It’s all this… making very mundane shit, sound sooooo interesting which amuses me. The flowery words used to describe what we would expect someone to do anyway. I think that is where I would go wrong… I am not good with jargon, I haven’t been exposed to employment jargon at all, ever. I mean, if I applied for a job, it would be purely for the money… forget all the other crap you want to ask me… just gimme the money, and I will do what you ask me to do… Simple!

But then of course, there are other demands which I am not used to. The start of the day for instance, beginning work at a set time. Our shop opens at 10am. Sometimes I am early, but sometimes it’s 10 past. Sometimes, I would have been early, but I bumped into someone and had a chat. This stuff happens, and setting start times for work is just totally unrealistic!

So, at the end of the interview there is usually time to ask questions, or so I am told. My questions would be these.

Can I have coffee beaks when I want? Can I go outside to people watch? Can I go outside to chat to neighbours? Can I play music, and if so can I play air guitar to ZZ Top? “Gimme all your lovin… all your hugs and kisses too”… Can I watch BBC iPlayer and catch up on all my BBC4 documentaries? Can I crash out somewhere and write my blog? Is it OK if I crash Twitter with some insanity… when I feel like? Can I text my friends?  And is it OK if Jakks Face Times me?… Oh and I need your WiFi code for that!

I think, possibly the answers to all the above would be… “No”!

I think I will stay out of the job race. Me and employment just wouldn’t mix… an idea which would end in tears!

I am a rose bed, featuring several varieties and colors of roses.  I’m the envy of the neighborhood during the warm months, but in winter I just look like a collection of dead twigs.  How could I be so beautiful part of the year and so ugly now?  Maybe God didn’t want me to get too full of myself, but this seems extreme.  I think roses should get to keep their leaves all year, and you can call it for what it is: “Evergreen Envy.”

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I’m a needlepoint picture of a clock, but I’m also a clock.  Am I essentially decorative, essentially functional, or both?  I spend every waking moment pondering this, and a clock never sleeps.  On the face of it I could have too much time on my hands.

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So, what do we get for our estimated £32 billion? Well, if you live in Manchester, it will mean you could travel to London in around an hour… Unlike today, when a train ride to the Smoke could take a mammoth mind bending two hours twenty minutes!

This train line is going to be brand new, complete with new stations, carving a huge Y shape into our countryside. The link between Birmingham and Manchester is going through my back garden, and to be honest, I don’t see the need. Taking an hour off a journey to London?… who gives a shit! The only people who want this new train in the North West, are freight companies, because apart from hauling passengers, the trains will also pull freight.

Kelly and I have been looking at train travel. My day off on Monday included text tennis with Kells, trying to sort out a trip to Birmingham’s NEC, which to be honest, is nearer Coventry, South of Birmingham… but maybe that’s just my crappy map reading. We want to take Doreen down to the Moda Fashion Show… So, how do we get to Brum?

We decided to go on the first day, which is a Sunday, just so it wouldn’t disrupt the shop being open. One train ticket is £44… three train tickets take the trip up to £132. Then, when Matty found out about the plan to go on a Sunday, he said…. “Aaaawww, a Sunday?… I won’t see you”! And then he started crying… and blubbering, and it all became very embarrassing. But, to take our three men with us, obviously raises the cost to a huge £264… and that’s without anything else, like snacks. I mean, Matty’s snacks alone could tip us over the £300 barrier!

But seriously, that’s a lot of money just to travel about 120 miles… So, we have decided not to go on the Sunday, and go on a weekday instead, either Monday or Tuesday, which means shutting the shop… But it’s stops the men from blubbering, and also saves us money too! I think we will drive down, rather than get the train. We can head off down South, and also leave the show when we want, and fuel isn’t going to cost £132 either.

Doreen is quite excited, not about spending a day with us, obviously, because she does that almost every day. No, the excitement is about being let loose, and seeing a fashion show. Amazing really, what some people get excited about. But, it should be fun… It’s almost three years since Kelly and lill ol’ me went last.

Travelling around this country by train is not only expensive, it is also very confusing too. I think, rather than investing £32 billion on one line, the government should invest in local rail travel. It’s weird that when this line opens, Manchester to London will take an hour, yet a ride from Manchester to Liverpool, just some 30 miles apart, takes 1 hour 2o minutes! If you want to go East to West, or West to East, you can’t, unless you go up or down first. The whole rail system in this country is absolute crap, and to have to wait 20 years for some improvement seems a bit useless to me.

Anyway rant over…

Kelly has been busy beavering away at our new site. I had a look yesterday, and it has seen at least one beaver, maybe even two beavers… I haven’t contributed yet, so I need to get my arse in gear, otherwise it won’t be a collaboration, it will be a solo effort. Then of course, I will get moaned at, and all the work Kells has put in will be pointed out to me…

Just before I go, and leave you in some sort of peace, I would just like to say to SGOT a big thank you for the compliment yesterday. To be honest, I am not good at receiving compliments, it’s a bit like throwing a wet fish at someone who only has one hand… Kind of gets juggled around for a while before I know what to do with them.

But, compliment taken, and I also mentioned to Kelly what you said too… and she kind of smiled, which is a good sign! Adios Amigos it’s almost Hump Day!

We’re in a yard, so we can’t be traffic cones, and I don’t see anything that we should be warning people about.  There’s only one conclusion: we’re sno cones.

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Bob: Oh, I don’t know…. Lonely? Quiet? Dark? Stinky?

Hey, I wasn’t gone THAT long….

Bob: Oh really? It was a lifetime for me! What did you think? You can just leave your favorite blogging buddy here in the dark recesses of the interweb, left to die a slow, painful, lonely death?

Dramaqueen…

Anywho, I don’t think Bob’ll be talking to me again anytime soon… Maybe I should crack a window next time, huh?

At least he won’t interrupt me.

There are no excuses for how long it’s been…. And there is certainly nothing i could say that could justify that the only reason I thought to post something over here is because the stupid new wordpress interface published my new blog post on a DIFFERENT blog to this one.

Except of course the magic number of sorry’s that can fix everything!

Well, it’s a very delicate matter, because if I do that I could risk adding to many and lose all of my 2 readers at once!

I think I’ll risk it…

SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry SORRY sorry

sorry.

Now that everyone has left….

*raises right hand*

I promise to not neglect this blog again!

At least… Not nearly as drastically!

*goodbye!*

Jae

*272 words*

I’m in trouble now.  It’s getting late and it’s snowing hard.  She told me to meet her at the feeder at 4:30, but I must have tuned her out when she said what feeder.  When she starts yelling at me, I’ll use my standard defense: “Yes, Dear, but did you tell me when I was listening?“

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Scripture reading: 1 Peter 2:1-2

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

What do I think in my heart?  Interesting to read the entire chapter that surrounds this verse.  It is a cautionary chapter about believing someone deceitful.  I’ve been the deceived and the deceiver.  None of them my proudest moments.  So, what do I think in my heart?

I know this.  I haven’t thought much of myself in a very long time.  I certainly haven’t seen myself as God sees me, the person He knit in my mother’s womb.  I have had more than one person ask me. ” What happened?  You used to be so full of confidence.  How did you end up here?”  The answer is…I have no idea.  And that is very frustrating for me.  I like answers.  I like control.  And trust is difficult for me.

I met this guy.  This beautiful, blue eyed. strong and compassionate guy…and I married him.  And I gave him my control.  And I gave him my trust.  One, he didn’t want.  The other, he broke, probably because he didn’t want the one.  I know I idolized him.  Placed him in a role he didn’t need to fill.  I’m so regretful of the pressure that must have placed on him.  It was my role to love and support him, not worship him.  I regret that I exalted him to this place where he was always bound to disappoint.  And I grew so disappointed in myself.  Because I looked to the one who was given to me to love and be loved, but not the one to save me.

With God, there are no accidents.  Nothing catches Him off guard.  He knows what I think in my heart, even when I feel so uncertain.  He knew I needed to realize life is better with Him in control, when I put my trust in Him, and when one day…I see me like he sees me.  I was meant to be his wife and the mom of his child.  Both of us allowed our hearts to repeat the same word over and over.  Discontent, discontent, discontent.  If said often enough, one begins to believe it.   As a man thinks, so he is.  How I wish we would have thought of each other as blessings each day in our hearts!  Life would look much different today.  A precious friend recently told me that my conversations with her have made her take pause and remember the blessing her husband is and to not take him for granted.  For this, I am grateful.  I still love and believe in the beauty of marriage.  I want to see it flourish in each of my family and friend’s lives.

I am beginning to find what my heart thinks.  It’s a slow process, it’s confusing at times.  It’s difficult, having moments of revelation and not sharing the excitement with him.  He was my confidante, my best friend.  I realize that is not where he is, and I have to accept that.  I don’t have to like it, but love must be free.

~n

Books for review

Still by Roelof Bakker

I saw this book on Parrish Lantern and left a comment, upon which the author contacted me and asked me if I wanted to review the book, too. I am very curious about it, although I’m not really a short story reader. In this case, there are short stories by over 20 authors, all inspired by photographs taken by Roelof Bakker of an old town hall in London.

The publisher says: “Still combines twenty-six new short stories with the photographs that were the inspiration for the writing.

Writers were invited by artist-photographer Roelof Bakker to select a photograph from his project Still, an investigation of vacated interior spaces at Hornsey Town Hall in north London, and to write a story taking the chosen photograph to a new place with a fresh meaning – away from the original physical setting.”

***

Rubbernecker by Belinda Bauer (ebook)

I received this book for review from the publishers via Netgalley. I loved Bauer’s debut novel, Blacklands. This new thriller is very different but very good, too! I finished it already. Keep an eye out for my 5-star review about a young man with Asperger’s syndrome who goes and solves a murder.

From the author’s website: “‘The dead can’t speak to us,’ Professor Madoc had said.
That was a lie. Because the body Patrick Fort is examining in anatomy class is trying to tell him all kinds of things.

Life is already strange enough for the obsessive Patrick without having to solve a possible murder. Especially when no one believes a crime has even taken place. Now he must stay out of danger long enough to unravel the mystery – while he dissects his own evidence.

But as Patrick learns one truth from a dead man, he discovers there have been many other lies closer to home…”

***

The Truth About Love & Lightning by Susan McBride

For review from William Morrow (HarperCollins). This sounds like a good story about family relationships. A man without memory will likely add excitement to the story!

From the publisher: “As far as Gretchen Brink is concerned, the tornado that just ripped through her land has nothing on the storms of a different sort happening all around her. Her grown daughter, Abby, has returned home with news that she’s pregnant, and no, she’s not sure whether she’s going to marry the father. A man with no memory has been dropped practically on her doorstep. And the not-so-little white lie she’s been telling for years is about to catch up with her.

Abby is sure that the mysterious man is her long-lost father, Sam, who has finally returned just when she needs him most. As Abby, Gretchen, and the Man Who Might Be Sam get closer, the lie Gretchen told all those years ago begins to haunt her. When her secrets come out, and Sam’s past is finally revealed, will it tear down this fragile life they’ve built—or will the truth bring them all closer together?”

***

Vanity Fare by Megan Caldwell

Also from review from William Morrow (HarperCollins). I was totally attracted by the cover (I mean, the biscuits) and I love stories about cooking! Also, I love stories about women that manage to improve their life after a bad time.

From the publisher: “Molly Hagan is overwhelmed. Her husband left her for a younger, blonder woman; her six-year-old son is questioning her authority, and now so is she. In order to pay her Brooklyn rent and keep her son supplied with Pokémon and Legos, not to mention food and clothing, she has to get a job—fast.

So when an old friend offers Molly a freelance position copywriting for a new bakery, finding romance is just about the last thing on her mind. But the sexy British pastry chef who’s heading up the bakery has other thoughts. And then so does Molly, when she meets the chef’s intimidating business partner—who also happens to have a secret that might prevent Molly from getting her own happily ever after.”

***

A Land More Kind Than Home by Wiley Cash

Somehow, I thought this book was a classic. Maybe it will be, one day, but at the least I’ve heard very good things about it. There is a paperback edition coming out, and I was offered the chance to review the book. Another review copy from William Morrow.

From the publisher: “For a curious boy like Jess Hall, growing up in Marshall means trouble when you get caught spying on grown-ups. Adventurous and precocious, Jess is protective of his older brother, Christopher, a mute whom everyone calls Stump. Though their mother has warned them not to snoop, Stump can’t help sneaking a look at something he’s not supposed to—an act that will have repercussions. It’s a wrenching event that thrusts Jess into an adulthood for which he’s not prepared. He now knows that a new understanding can bring not only danger and evil—but also the possibility of freedom and deliverance.

Told by resonant and evocative characters, A Land More Kind Than Home is a haunting tale of courage in the face of cruelty and the power of love to overcome the darkness that lives in us all.”

***

The House Girl by Tara Conklin

Yet another review book from William Morrow! I find books about slaves so interesting because I find the idea that people can own other people so inconceivable. And I love books about the American South!

From the publisher: “The House Girl, the historical fiction debut by Tara Conklin, is an unforgettable story of love, history, and a search for justice, set in modern-day New York and 1852 Virginia.

Weaving together the story of an escaped slave in the pre–Civil War South and a determined junior lawyer, The House Girl follows Lina Sparrow as she looks for an appropriate lead plaintiff in a lawsuit seeking compensation for families of slaves. In her research, she learns about Lu Anne Bell, a renowned prewar artist whose famous works might have actually been painted by her slave, Josephine.”

***

Did you get any exciting new books recently?

Scripture reading: Psalm 37:3-5

I am the signature piece of a great Bonsai Master.  All I ever wanted, though, was to grow big so that children could climb in my limbs and lovers could have picnics under my canopy.  My only hope of either of those things happening is that a tribe of teeny tiny people lives undiscovered in a jungle somewhere.  I would have to go to them.  Getting myself overseas would be better than having the whole tribe trampled at an airport.

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~n