The internet has a zillion and four different ‘resources’ for those looking to explore BDSM. But it seems everytime I go looking for information, inspiration, or illumination I seem to run into the same conumdrum over and over:

Of those zillion and four resources, a good 90%  of those resources have to do with submission.

Bare in mind that 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Meaning that obviously this is just my subjective view. But it does seem that there are very few resources, or at least few of them that are easily accessible, that are geared toward Dominance and even fewer that are geared toward switching.

Be the change you want to see and all.

I am a self identified switch. I live 24/7 with my male Dominant partner and primary SO. I am the owner of male submissive in a power exchange relationship. We are all some variation of poly and kinky. I am also bisexual. I top any number of folks regardless of gender. I bottom to others based on interpersonal dynamics, again without gender being a factor. I give workshops and lectures on switching.. so in as much as there is such a thing as ‘qualifications’ when it comes to writing about BDSM topics, I can speak to switching pretty readily.

Below is the basic outline in Q&A style of my Switching Roundtable Workshop. It’s by no means comprehensive, but a decent jumping off point for issues some switches may encounter:

• What is a switch/ your definition of a switch? At its most basic level, a switch is simply someone who enjoys both topping and bottoming, both giving and receiving sensation and/or both weilding control or being controlled within a consentual and negotiated scene and/or power exchange. The roles may or may not be static within each partnership, scene, relationship, etc.
• Do you think you have to bottom  50% of the time and top 50% of the time to beconsidered a ‘true’ switch? Absolutely not. I know people who switch mid scene and back again, people who are Dominant 99% of the time and only bottom once in a blue moon or vice versa, and people who bottom only for certain activities and top only for others. It’s all very fluid and each one is just as much of a switch as the other. Self identifying as a switch is a personal choice and should be taken at face value when the label is applied.
  
• Is there such a thing as a ‘true’ switch? In my esitmation there is no such thing as a ‘true’ (meaning all encompassing or ‘total’ or ‘natural’ or other terms which get thrown about with irritating regularity) anything in this lifestyle. Its all fluid, organic and ever evolving on every level. If a person likes being on top sometimes and on bottom others, then the role of switch seems applicable.
• Do you feel a sense of ownership with the word ’switch’ itself (like some Masters, slaves, etc.. seem to do). This is my favorite question on this list. You see alot of arguments & debates over what constitutes a submisisive vs slave vs bottom, or a top vs a Dominant vs a Master.. but you never really see the same level of ownership or ‘fight to protect the word’ mentality over the term switch. Maybe its because as switches we engage in both of the aforementioned debates? Or because the headspace is specific to each interaction? I’m not sure. But, no.. I personally dont have a stake in the ‘ownership’ of the word switch. But then again I dont beleive in telling anyone esle how they should view anything in this lifestyle. I know what it means to me (see above definition) and I am happy to share that,but I am also happy to have that information integrated as each person sees fit as best for them. And here is where the inflammatory part comes in: I do, by and large find that alot of switches share this view and I do think its because of our switchy nature that we are sometimes more inclined towards not having hard and fast rules in alot of areas that other BDSM self identity lables have.
• What is your opinion of those who only apply the label of ’switch’ to themselves soley to ‘fit in’ with a particular group or to catch the eye of a particular partner? This was a new issue that cropped up this year. Seems there was a growing contingent of folks who would purposely call themselves switches not because of their preferred manner of play or power exchange, but rather to not limit partners. As in ‘ooh I like Bobby and he’s Dominant so I wont let him know I really like to beat up boys, so I’ll just call myself a switch and be vague about it and he’ll never know and maybe he will hook up with me’. Like I said, I dont really feel entitled to determine who can and cannot call themselves a switch, but I am never a fan of behavior that is unfair, untrue, manipulative or herd like. So if your motivation for labeling yourself as a switch is simply to ‘fit in’ with a person or person and deny your own self and desires.. well that’s never a formula for successful self exploration and it will always come back to haunt you in some way.
• Do you have different aspects of yourself manifest depending on what you are doing in a particular scene? (different names, styles of dress, mannerisms, etc…) This one is highly personal and invidual and changes from person to person. So I’ll speak for myself. I feel much more toppy in leather pants than i do in frilly skirts. I know its a product of gender roles in my upbringing, but its there. I enjoy playing with it and pushing those imprints, but they do exist for me. In scene I call my Dominant ‘Sir’, at home its ’sweetie’ or his given name. My submissive refers to me as ‘My Lady’, my Dominant calls me ‘mia’ or ‘mine’. I try to say please and thank you no matter what the occassion, but the tone is slightly more montone or matter of fact when addressing my pet. I get the door for my Dominant and expect my sub to do the same for me (which can be quite amsuing when we are all three out together). In short, yes.. different mannerisms and speech do change depending on the interaction. And this is where switches really shine: no matter what the role and how it manifests, each bit is 100% ME.
• If you have a committed partner,do you have problems watching them switch roles (if applicable)? Do they have issues seeing you in different headspaces? Why or why not? My Dominant was a switch when we got together. Since then, he now identifies solely as Dominant. I have always told him should he feel the need to bottom he certainly can do so without needed input from me (which is kinda what Dominant means!) but that I cant witness it. I am happy for him to engage in whatever he needs, but it would wreck my view of him as Dominant for me to have that visual in my head. I personally need my view of him to remain as all Dom all the time. I have no idea why that is but I know that it IS how it is for me.  Many MANY people are not like me. And this view of mine is only applicable to him. I see many folks switch all the time and never blink twice when they interact with me in either capacity. Now, my submissive is not at all like me. He has seen, sees me, bottom all the time and it in no way affects his view of me as his owner. Again, its a highly individual thing and each is as valid as the next.
• Do you find you are treated differently than others in the community who define themselves as top OR bottom? As if since you havent chosen ‘one’ you are disregarded partially or completely? If yes, whydo you think that is? I find that alot of folks in the scene just have no idea how to interact with switches. They seem to have very clearly delineated views on how to treat tops or bottoms, but they get twitchy when dealing with switches. Its easy to call Lord So and So ‘Sir’ at a munch, or to ask ’slave mary’ to get you a coffee.. but then someone like me walks up and its all fumbling over honorifics and the like. For a community that loves to cry out words like ‘etiquette’ and ‘protocol’ so many seem to forget the very basics. People are just that: people. And deserve to be treated as such. Until a negotiated power exchange is communicated in some way, just be polite and respectful. The rest flows from there. Of course there will always be those who dont believe switches ‘really exist’ and therefore generally behave less than politely as a result. But I generally have no desire to interact with someone who chooses to be so disrespectful and intolerant anyway, so its of little bother to simply ignore them.
• Do you find that the ‘community’ tends to place gender identification markers to tops & bottoms (ex:submissive = female) and how does it view those who do not fit into these models(male subs are less of a man? for example) Gender affects most every aspect of our society, BDSM is no different. I do think in some BDSM circles it is slightly more forward thinking, but not all. Its still pretty common to hear a femme top referred to as ‘butchy’ or ‘dyke-ish’ (terms I wear with all kinds of pride BTW, but this is meant to be taken in a derogatory way) or to hear a male bottom referred to as ’sissyish’ or ‘effeminate’. Any kind of ‘put down’ based on nothing more than gender is sure to irritate me. So as much as I wish our ‘community’ simply accepted people based on their non physical attributes, it isnt always that way. What can be done about it? Again, be the change you wish to see.. Start with yourself and do not attribute lables to people based on what is or isnt between their legs. I have a male Dominant AND a male submissive. Outside of those dynamics I play primarily (although not exclusively) with girls. I care about the connection between people based on personality and energy. The only time gender enters into it is when I need to know whether to break out the condoms or the dental dams.
• What is your response to the following statements:
  • There is no such thing as a switch – I stand before you, ergo, yes Virginia there is such a thing as a switch.
  • You just havent made up your mind yet – yes i have and my decision is that i have no desire to limit myself in any capacity
  • You just havent had the right Dom yet - I have and he is wonderful enough to see the benefit to us both in my exploring everything i can
• What is your favorite part about being a switch? The fact that I can be whatever I choose to be moment to moment. Some days I want to order people around, others I want to be catered to. Some days I feel like beating someone black and blue, others I need to hit subspace myself. I like that I can be fluid and open to whatever the universe sends my way.
• What is your least favorite part about being a switch? Changing up headspaces can be challenging, especially in a short timeframe. It can and is done, and often gracefully so. But as with anything of value, there are times when it is a struggle.

~kim

Kink In Motion

Night after night I lie awake in bed
And lay out in the dark my clever maps
That lead me to your door, and think perhaps
Today should be the day you hurt instead.

I polish up the weapons in my head -
Make sure they’re sharp, examine all my traps:
And dream of how your life could soon collapse
And everything you love be left for dead.

As daylight comes, these images disperse
(I’m like a weathercock – I spin about)
But every night they keep on getting worse:

Oh, it’ll end in nothing, I’ve no doubt -
Except I’ve noticed this: with you as nurse
Dreams often have a way of working out.

Religion and spirituality have a link but they don’t have to be connected. If you believe in a structured religion it generally means you have spirituality. But if you are spiritual, that doesn’t mean you are attached to religion. I know many people who are very spiritual but not religious.

Power Exchange can be spiritual if you feel connected associated to it in a similar way as you would religion. The whole idea of Power Exchange is an overpowering idea of all things within the relationship that is involved our entire being, life and identity. This isn’t about being kinky in the bedroom; anyone can do that. This is about living and breathing an alternative lifestyle that embraces the power exchange in its core beliefs.

When you are surrender, do you feel focused on the service and the power that you receive from your partner? Does it give you a sense of being? Giving you inner peace and acceptance of your life? Is this not what spirituality does for you?

My experience with spiritual Power Exchange is this, in the moments that I experienced absolute peace with myself. I felt happiness and wholeness that I’ve never experienced any other way.  The feeling that what I am doing right now is almost perfect and exactly what I should be doing. How much more spiritual can that be?

under the chaste

Cold Moon,

Cernunnos approaches

musk, moist

rebirth breath

grasp hold

Oak moon

your hair against

my thighs

my Dark One

my hard

my High Priest

All Night Long Moon,

Before Yule Moon,

Boys on Top Moon

until Beltane

When I was talking yesterday about surrendering in a power exchange relationship I used the word bottom and told you that I would go into the different types today. (Please note that if you are considering entering into a power exchange relationship and you are reading this saying none of them really fits me, remember that there is no cookie mold for a bottom, you are what you are and should be very proud of that.)

There is a tram called sexual submissive or kinky vanilla which means that one only surrenders control for sex, has no need to surrender any other time or in any other way.

Then there is the psychological submissive, their surrender goes past the bed room. Sometimes people who surrender in this way tends to have had abuse in their past or likes to play the victim. They need the pain but not sure why they seek to surrender.

Next you have natural submissive, a person who lives to please others, their surrender is more than a sexual based need and has little to do with what they need to get from the power exchange. If they are not allowed to surrender to a person of dominate personality they are not fulfilled.  

–Note the DMS 4 dose not find a power exchange relationship to be abnormal, it is stated that if both parties are of the legal again and it does not interfere with the normal day to day lives of those that take part in the relationship then there is nothing wrong with it. –

Doms or subs – who has the better deal?

Well, subs, obviously. Der. Because as a sub(/bottom/whatever), you get to:

• Lie down, or at least slump against something. (Oftentimes the burden of supporting your own weight is thoughtfully alleviated by ropes and restraints)
• Not do any work (unless service is your thing, but we’ll leave that out of this for the moment)
• Not think
• Be the recipient of sensation
• Forget about your everyday responsibilities
• Get high on endorphins
• Collapse in a big heap after a big session and drool

Seriously, what’s not to love? Why, why, why would anyone want to be on top?

At the beginning of this year, Whipslave wrote (somewhat jokingly) in his Livejournal that being a domme must suck. I totally knew what he meant. He was talking about the way that the sub gets to feel a whole bunch of sensations, while the domme remains unmarked (and, as is insinuated, unmoved).

My take on it is slightly different. See, in my opinion, in any scenario where there are two people and one of them is doing physical labour, I’d take the role of the slacker any day. Sure, I see the benefits of doing work, which is why I do do some occasionally, but it’s not exactly my idea of a good time.

Laziness aside, there’s also subspace. A dreamy, soothing, surreal, headspace that comes to me when I submit. Out of body. Better than drugs. Escapism in its most extreme form – escaping from inside your own head.

I once asked Dragongirl if, being a domme, it was stressful being responsible for another person’s wellbeing. She said she puts her own responsibilities aside so as to focus wholly on the other person, so it’s actually quite liberating. I found this answer to be very insightful and quite lovely.

Still, it wasn’t enough to push the concept of topping from the cerebral to the visceral. My first attempts at caning and flogging were enjoyable, but not transcendently so. Not bad, but not good enough to even approach the joy I had experienced through submission.

But for those who’ve been paying attention to this blog, you’ll know by now that my thoughts on the subject of topping have changed. I guess it was a matter of finding the right person, but also coming into a place in life where I’m comfortable with myself and also a bit more confident.

Recently I’ve been playing privately with a marvellous man, and I feel that I’ve rediscovered BDSM – I’m seeing it through fresh eyes. It’s mostly all new to him, and I’m picking up on his excited energy, but beyond that, I’m realising that ‘submissive’ isn’t so much the bedrock of all that I am, but a label that is, as all labels are, not quite accurate.

I gave it a name a long time ago because it seemed to fit. And it did for a long time – expressing myself as a submissive for the first time was like coming home. This part of myself, this dark, weird, kinked bit, the part that made me different and which I eventually came to love – this part will never change. Freak, weirdo, creep.

But I’m discovering that this same strange dark energy can be directed outwards; externalised. I suppose this is not much of a newsflash to a seasoned switch, but for me this has been a massive revelation.

The same headspace I’m used to experiencing as a submissive was there to greet me when I broke through the fearful barriers I had up that were preventing me from truly letting go as a top. (I was scared about hurting people, and worried that I would be judged for not being perfectly skilled or expert). But god, the rush! The joy! The trembling bigness of it, pushing into my head, breathing through me, laughing, laughing.

And the love. Coming from a place of love – this has been the key. Hurting someone because they love to be hurt and because you love to hurt them. (A sinister extension of the old adage ‘to love and be loved in return’). Certainly, I knew about this from being submissive, but I didn’t realise it went the other way. This is what I kink hardest on – the loving closeness of it, the emotional rawness, the sheer, perfect, pure beauty that is trust.

Stoking his hair while pinching his nipples. Kissing the welted red marks seared across his skin. Giving him all the time he needs to recover but not backing down on that final stroke, because it must be done, it will be done, and besides, neither of us has a say in it anymore, because we’ve been sucked into the passing slipstream of a greater thing, a monster, a god.

Oh. Oh my.

It’s heady. Standing there, watching him writhe, grimace, gasp, sweat and swear and choke, and yet stick his arse back out for me, determined to follow through. Watching with wonder as his pain blossoms into bliss. Guiding him to a place he’s never been. Leading him through blindness, through darkness; pushing him, but never leaving his side.

There are some practical things I’ve also discovered.

Blindfolds, for instance. As a submissive, I always felt a bit selfish and greedy for wanting to be blindfolded. For it envelops you in your own world of sensation – it makes you disappear deep inside of yourself to the point where you’re nearly hiding. I never understood how blindfolds could be enjoyable for the person on top, but now I do. First of all, since I know what a pleasure it is, it makes me hot to be able to supply that pleasure for another. Beyond that, I love the way it makes them go all loose and compliant. They get distracted inside their enchanted pleasure world, while you can do just about anything you want with their body. You can extract your own pleasure from their body while they’re incapacitated. You can shed your identity. You can act in a way that’s out of character – you can be anyone, anything.

I’ve also realised that of course you don’t have to be an expert, and it’s perfectly all right to make it up as you go along. Better, even. Because BDSM is all about energy exchange – and if you were to stick to a carefully choreographed routine you’d be missing the point. See, it’s not you who is doing these crazy, sadistic things. I didn’t realise that being a top is about letting go, too. You have to let the control freak inside you slide, and play things by ear. Let the energy go where it wants to go.

Bringing it back to my being lazy, I can now see that being on top is actually sometimes less effort than being submissive. You don’t have to go through a physical ordeal in order to reap the benefits, because the energy is shared. They take the pain while you leech off the beautiful intensity playing out over their face, their skin. Also you don’t have to keep thinking about new, creative, evil things to do to them – because they’ll just happen. No need to write a thesis about it – just do. And watch, awestruck, as it unfolds.

I’ll always, always love submitting, and I still do. But topping has given it an added richness, for which I’m grateful. Because I’d reached a bit of a dead end with my kink, but it’s been revived, set on fire. I’m alive.

Madam P and I are having so much fun working out the details and dynamics of what a Master/slave relationship looks like to us.  I’m not sure that Madam understands yet how serious I am about living up to and honoring the contract I signed.  Or perhaps Madam does not yet trust the power she now possesses to use, direct, mold and control me in accordance with every little whim that passes through the desire-center of her being.  Here’s what I’m talking about:

Last night I felt as though I had a million things to do before bed, and there was no time to work at my art.  After dinner Madam called me to her and had me epilate the hair from her legs.  Of course I obeyed Madam’s instructions.  Afterward I was a little cranky and petulant.  I began rattling off to Madam the list of things I felt that I needed to accomplish before bed.  Madam agreed that I had quite a bit on my plate in a short amount of time.  I realize now that in her mind Madam was also recognizing that among the to-do list that I’d rattled off to her, my nightly rituals of placing a warm-pack in the bed for her, spending a minute or 2 kissing her feet (for allowing me to practice my art every day, among other things), and brushing her hair at bedtime were not on the list.  Madam seemed shy or hesitant about asserting her authority over me and enforcing our nightly bedtime ritual.  I’m guessing that Madam recognized that I was agitated and perhaps felt some trepidation about possibly upsetting me further and maybe even triggering a conflict.  Madam let me get away with forgetting my responsibility for putting her to bed properly, and she allowed me to get away with being petulant and cranky as I spoke my goodnights.

Please don’t think that I’m being disrespectful or otherwise judging the way that Madam chooses to handle her slave.  I really am working up to a point here.

I’m blessed beyond all expectation that Madam and I are in absolute agreement that nothing is more important in this life than to experience as much happiness and joy as we can possible cram into our years on this earth.  Because Madam and I are in absolute agreement on this crucial point, we are in a position to take some small measure of responsibility for each other’s joyful life experience and happiness.  We are in a position to not allow each other to casually get away with squandering our life energy on negative feelings.  Really!

If Madam is having a bad day, or maybe a bad experience, I, as her slave, have a responsibility to improve her mood if she’ll let me.  And because Madam and I have come to an agreement that feeling good and feeling happy is the most important thing to us both, that means I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO TRY!  Depending on circumstances I can listen to Madam vent if that will help; I can offer words of encouragement and guidance based on my spiritual/human studies; I can offer to serve Madam in some of the ways that I know she loves best, bringing her tea, kissing her feet, scratching her back, kneeling at her feet; maybe I can make Madam a grilled cheese and pickle sandwich, etc. 

Not that I’m here to instruct Madam or to try to teach her how to handle her slave, but I would respectfully submit that Madam is in a position to equally take responsibility for my happy, good feeling experience when she sees that I’m in a negative place.  To use last night’s experience as an example, there is no end to the things Madam might have done to disrupt my cranky mood and bring my submissive heart back to balance.  She could have enforced our bedtime ritual, recognizing that it would only take a few extra minutes of my time (and that her taking such control of me would have turned me on and gotten me into a better/submissive head-space).  She could have reminded me of our bedtime ritual and made me get on my knees and begged her to excuse me from them for this one night (again, triggering the submissive frame of mind that gets me so hot.)  If she was concerned that I might push back and resist (that is, fight with her) if she asserted herself, she could have taken 5 minutes of my time to lock me in my cage to adjust my attitude (with sub-space) before letting me go about the tasks of my evening.  She could have put me in handcuffs for a couple of minutes (like I’m going to fight with her with my hands cuffed behind my back) and had me acknowledge my bedtime responsibilities and then maybe excused me from them.  Thirty second spankings have proven to be an effective way to get my attention (and turn me on; is it possible to be turned on and cranky at the same time?)  Or, if in fact Madam had some concern that I might argue with her if she attempted to assert her authority over me, she has a perfect control tool… she has a heavy chain collar locked around my neck that I can’t get away from, if she were so inclined to grab a handful of it.

Now, I’m not saying that Madam has a responsibility to play the heavy if I’m not behaving myself (although she does have that right, of course.)  What I am saying is that, in the same way that I would feel compelled (responsible) to reach out and make the attempt to bring Madam back to a better feeling place if I saw that she was feeling down, Madam is equally in a position to take responsibility for my better feeling thoughts when she sees that I’m not happy (moody, petulant, mopey.)  I believe that Madam has not yet come to trust that I actually like it when she takes total control over me.  (I wouldn’t have signed the contract if I didn’t want to serve her.)  Which means that Madam has not yet come to understand the extent of the power she has to create the experience she desires as a slave owner, while at the same time helping her beloved wife/slave to experience more and more happy, good feeling days than she already does.

I’m sure that Madam will correct me if I’m off base here.

Missy

Over the weekend I was asked the following question by a dear friend who is struggling with how to create a power exchange dynamic that works for her and her submissive spouse:

“I think … one of the things I need help with where C.H. is concerned, she has some pretty big hopes and expectations sometimes, that I am feeling like I fail her. It is all W/we can do some days just to maintain “it all.” When all is said and done I feel she is not getting enough, fast enough, to suit her. I wish she could do like you are doing and just learn to “BE,” and let me work out the details. She would be so much happier if she could just give in. Any suggestions to help her give up the driving? How do you think I could encourage her leaving it up to me? V.P.”

Hi V.P.

I’m not sure how much help and advice I have.  It’s a tricky thing, navigating the D/s experience.  We’re all so different.  Although I will say that I get the sense that C.H. and I are at a very similar place in our journey and that we’re probably fairly similar in temperament.

If there was one thing that I could impart to C.H., slave to submissive, it would be to let go of all expectation.  Hanging on to our expectations, as slave/submissive, is really topping from the bottom, and for those of us who really want the submissive experience, we can never, ever, ever get what we want (and need) so long as we’re topping from the bottom.

Mdm. P and I have shared this with you before, forgive me if I’m repeating myself; signing a power exchange contract is what finally helped me to let go of my attachments to what I think a D/s relationship should look like so that Madam could take complete control.  When we first signed the contract, I found myself reading it 50 times a day.  Reading the contract over and over kept me keenly aware of what I’d agreed to, and made clear to me what responsibilities Mdm. P agrees to as my owner.  And even if things were not going the way I wanted them to, and even if there was something I wanted that Madam wasn’t giving me or doing to me or doing for me, I could remind myself over and over, “Okay, this is what I agreed to, and we only signed this contract for a week; whether I like it or not, this is what I signed up for, and I can handle this for 5 more days… then the contract will be done.”  Fortunately, by the time there were only 2 days left on the contract, I was begging Mdm. P to sign a new contract for an additional 2 weeks. 

Here we are, 6 weeks later, and I no longer need to read the contract over and over.  I’ve settled into complete obedience, just as I’ve agreed to.  It’s been a process, and the contract has really helped me to work through my resistance to surrender.  The last time, as you might recall, we signed the contract for 4 weeks.  Perhaps when this period ends we’ll renew it for 8 weeks.  Each time we recommit to the contractual agreement between us, we each read the contract, we make changes that we feel are necessary as a result of what we’ve learned in our 24/7 Madam/slave experience, and then we commit anew, fresh and clear about what’s expected of each of us in our power exchange.  And for the duration of that contractual agreement, I get to relax into full awareness of what I’ve agreed to so that there’s no room for expectations other than what I know that Madam has agreed to in writing.  Living under contractual slavehood to Madam P, living with the clarity of both my surrender and her responsibility as slave owner written down and officially agreed to, has helped me to develop the complete faith and trust that, even though my life is no longer my own, my life is safe and secure and in good hands.

Prior to the contract, I was in a similar head-space as C.H.  I had expectations and ideas about what a D/s relationship “should” be.  My ideas involved ropes and cuffs and beatings and spankings.  I expected cage time, lots of sex, severe punishment, bruises, hair pulling.  You get the picture.  And Mdm. P tried to go along with all of that in the beginning, but it’s not her style, it isn’t who she is.  And seriously, how could I possibly surrender my will to her if I’m judging everything she does as a Madam?  What I’ve come to discover is that what I really need as an erotic slave is to surrender completely.  Surrender is what makes my motor purr.  Mdm. P doesn’t want to hurt me all the time, she doesn’t want to hit me every day, she doesn’t want to bruise me at every turn… that is to say, she doesn’t want a steady diet of harsh punishment.  (Sometimes she really does like to have me tied to a massage table so she can watch me squirm for a few hours, and sometimes she really enjoys hearing me scream bloody murder as she flogs and spanks me, but not all that often.)  As it turns out, what Madam really enjoys is having me kiss her feet every day.  She likes me to undress her and brush her hair at bedtime.  She likes for me to hop-to when she gives me an order.  She likes to have complete control over my bratty impulses.  She likes having total control and use of my body, reaching out and tweaking my nipple ’til I scream when I least expect it.  She enjoys knowing that no matter what she does to my body, I won’t dare make a move to stop or block her, whether it’s hurting me, arousing me, petting my hair, cuffing my arms, or grabbing me by parts of my anatomy and leading me around the house.  Madam P loves to hear me say, “Yes Madam” and “No Madam” and to have me serve her coffee and sweets on demand, in complete submission without questioning or arguing.  Instead of beatings, she uses the cage, she grants privileges and she takes privileges away.  If she knows that there’s something I really want to do (playing pool is a good example) and I’m behaving badly, she’ll strip me naked and stick me in the cage so I can think about my behavior and reconsider whether I want to obey or not.  I can assure you, when there’s something I really want to be doing, just the threat of the cage is enough to make me want to quickly straighten up and demonstrate absolute respect for Madam and her authority over me.

What I’ve discovered is that, as a born submissive, what thrills me most is surrender.  I never know what will come next.  And I find myself less and less hesitant whenever Mdm. P tells me to do something that I’m just not in the mood to do.  I don’t question, I get up and I do what I’m told.  This is what turns me on.  And I would not have discovered this about myself had I not let go of my expectations and simply surrendered 100% of my will to Madam, holding nothing back. 

Anyway, that’s what works for me.  I hope you find some small bit of helpful guidance in all of this.  Madam P and I love you both very much.

XO,
Missy

There are a few topics that seem to never get ‘resolved’ and thus are destined to forever be brought up over and over ad infinitum in BDSM theory. This is almost definitely a good thing. Its also most decidedly puzzling and complex, especially when one is trying to define themselves in the words of these discussions which are ever evolving. One of the ones that I dont think willl ever cease to be discussed is that of what defines a submissive vs. what defines a slave?

I myself have puzzled over it time and time again. I WAS pretty comfy calling myself a submissive (in my bottomy headspace at least, as I am a switch). I had looked at all the ‘arguments’ and took stock in my own comfort levels in how the terms ‘fit’ me and came to the conclusion that sub was the best match for me. Many MANY people scoff at even that as I am fairly ‘not traditional subby material’,  outwardly at least. Behind closed doors is always a different matter. But this isnt about ‘them’, its about me and my search and journey through this vocabulary maze.

I attended a workshop on the matter at Unholy Harvest (which, btw, you should definitely check out next year!) this year where this topic was discussed. The topic came up AGAIN later that week in two different circles.In these conversations all my thinking was rather turned on its head. Prior to, I had placed myself firmly in the middle of the bottomy trifecta. Its not a competition, but so many view this whole thing rather like post graduate degrees:

• To be a bottom is to have your BA/BS
• To be a submissive is to have your Masters (oh the irony!)
• To be a slave is to have your PhD

(The view often is that a slave is ‘better’ than a sub because she is more devoted in some way. Its unspoken but palpable that slavery is the goal, submission is either posing or just a sto along the way to that goal. In short, submission is oft seen as inferior in some way.)

After the conference and following conversations, it seems ’slave’ may actually be a better fit.

Is this the result of the deepening of my submission? That after 3 years with my Dominant that only now my head space has fully embraced surrender? Not a chance. Not a darn thing has changed between he & I. All thats changed is my perspective on the other perspectives out there.

I googled sub vs slave and found 3 articles that sum up the basic arguments between all the debate. Please read them in their entirety if you wish but here I am only going to quote the parts that speak to what I have stated above so as to illustrate where I found the  points of interest that changed my perspective.

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(this is written as ‘here is what they said, how does that apply to how I self identify?’ this is not a judgement call on how anyone else views things nor is it an exhaustive list of arguments or the only way to define this stuff, just how I puzzle it out for myself)

• As a sub: ‘However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them’;’ you have more of an option to stop’; ‘Say you do the dishes and pay the bills, these things usually are still under your control’; ‘A submissive obeys and serves by choosing to do so each time and retains her will.  A slave initially makes a choice to obey her Master at all times and then submits to the will of her Master at all times.‘ – Ah the ‘brainwash’ argument. The theory goes that the slave is SO enslaved they cannot think in terms of ‘will i do this?’ and only do things on autopilot. I disagree. All the self identifying slaves that I know and respect all still make conscious decisions every day, they just always end up deciding to do what Master says because that is the life they choose. When you do the dishes, even if you ‘wouldnt think of NOT doing them’ its still you making your hands do the work. ergo: concious choice. I dont think any slave has ever woken up from some fog and said ‘awesome! those dishes got done!’. You know what are doing and WHY you are doing it, that isnt brainwashing.. its choice. And subs and slaves both do that. Verdict for me? nuetral
• ‘in a submissive role although you give up the control the power is really still 50/50 just in a different setting and under more intense circumstances‘ – First, I dont agree with this.. but for arguments sake:  I do feel a fair bit of control in my relationship but its because thats what makes his life easier and he ALWAYS has final say. That means I really have very little of the control, if any. Verdict for me? According to this, I’m a slave
• ‘Sex is usually a large part of this relationship and mostly where the submission enters in’ – well sex is a large part of ALOT of relationships, BDSM or not  so that isnt really an accurate qualifier. But alot do feel sex is the only place a submissive is submissive. Well, that aint the case here. Its more overt in our sex but its always there, 24/7.Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Slaves usually are slaves 24/7. They may work but when they get home there is no distinction from normal day to a BDSM day, that person is always a slave from the day they ask for that.’ – Yup, that sounds like my life. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘A submissive accepts submission, while a slave accepts obedience’; ‘The submissive is a volunteer.The slave is not a volunteer.’ – Oh dear. If you submit to and carry out your Sir’s every order, you are obeying it. And we are talking BDSM slavery not actual ‘take you in the night and force you to work under pain of death’ type slavery here. We are all volunteers. Verdict for me? This one is a non issue completely. Nuetral
• ‘A submissive often has a list of conditions, rules, and limits that a Dominant is required to agree to before entering a session or relationship.‘ ‘Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena’s. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship.’ - Limits? you betcha. I do not want my arm getting hacked off with a chainsaw thank you very much. Conditions and rules? Not a chance. Verdict for me? Slave (because I firmly believe NOONE, slave or not, is cool with the chainsaw scenario. i dont care how hard core you think you are)
• ‘the Master may have total control, then once the period is over, control returns to the submissive.  The Master only borrows control of the submissive and to the extent the submissive wishes and she controls her submission.’ This, to me, is a bottom. Verdict? Nuetral
• ‘If the focus is on self then you are a submissive, if the focus is on your Master, then you are a slave.’ – I still think focus on self = bottom, focus on Master = sub or slave. But going by this then, verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Being a slave means you are willing to be molded to fit her Master’s needs and to serve him’.; ‘Her attention is on his happiness. A Master is responsible for the needs and happiness of a slave.  She gives him authority over her needs and happiness.  However, a slave is responsible to communicate those needs and feelings.  The limits of the Master become the limits of the slave.’ - Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Often a slave is given great responsibilities within the relationship. They are given a general framework of limits and direction and expected to act within them using their own resources and abilities.  A slave is often asked to express her thoughts on issues or problems, but realizes that the final decision is always her Master’s. The decision made by her Master becomes absolute for her.’ – Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘…the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts.’ – Nope, not me. When I do this I consider it bottoming, submission or slavery is not a part of it. Verdict for me? Slave

There is more, and I could go on and on. But this is really the way most of it seems to be going. Every single ‘hallmark of slavery’ (with the exception of no limits which I just personally do not believe exists for anyone) seems to be what I have been referring to as submission. So I should start calling myself a slave, yes?

Not really. The term slave, while now proven applicable, just doesn’t seem to fit me. Its like that dress you see and try on and, yeah it fits, but not as well as you’d like. And as someone told me whilst giving me shopping advice one day, ‘if you dont love it, dont buy it.’ I dont love the term slave for me. So I’ll keep my submissive moniker.

And really, all of this is for naught. These terms are fluid, personal, individual and ever changing. So in the end its what feels right for each person and all the rhetoric and dogma surrounding it just doesn’t matter. Be who you are and be happy in it. Let others be who they are and them be happy in that. Maybe your views don’t totally line up but.. now here is the REAL kicker for slavery: If what you do and how you identify pleases your Dominant/Sir/Master/Owner/Mistress/etc.. that other person’s views have no bearing on your dynamic, so go engage in and enjoy that dynamic in your way.

As my wise friend giving the workshop so eloquently summed all this up:

‘I am begining to wonder if the red herring in all of it is trying to compare D/s and M/s and whether that just muddles the thoughts – where a comparison between power exchange and non power exchange might lead to more interesting analysis??
D/s and M/s are like crunchy versus smooth peanut butter they are much the same and hard to distinguish and yet….some how different to those that are questing for one specifically.’

Amen. I used to be a smooth kinda girl, these days its crunchy. Either way its yummy and I’ll take more please and thank you.

~kim

kink_in_motion

There’s a reason why all the greatest works literature are all mostly about tragedy, death, destruction, despair, ill-fated affairs, violence and upheaval: it’s because they’re easy to write about.

Seriously, do you know how hard it is to write any kind of fiction without at least one of your characters carking it? It’s amazing how so few of us have actually experienced anything to do with, say, murder, and yet how many of us feel compelled to write about it.

Even if you don’t agree with me, there’s no arguing with the fact that ‘Peace and Peace’ just doesn’t have the same ring.

Do writers write about Doom all the time because they’re depressed? Or is writing about Doom the cause of depression? It’s a chicken-and-egg dilemma which could probably fill its own book, but anyway, here is something one of my ex-boyfriends said:

I see you’re writing a novel…. good thing that writers are the happiest people in the world eh?

(John Safran has built an entire career out of narcissistically dissecting his failed relationships; why can’t I?)

Petty bitchiness aside, (yeah, Xavier*, cos being a religious zealot makes a person SO much more contented than being a writer), there was a point I was trying to make, which as usual I seem to have forgotten.

Oh yes. I remember now. Okay. Right.

I haven’t blogged in a while, for the following reasons.

1. Happiness

Look, despite the romantic ideal of the impoverished writer alone in his/her garret, swilling wine and single-mindedly hammering out that tortured masterpiece before they inevitably die miserably, I know that there are thousands of creative people will back me up when I say that we are actually at our most productive when happy.

So, it’s not that happiness itself that has caused me to become uninspired, it’s just that happiness is hard to describe.

I’ve been trying to find the words to do it justice… the absolute most perfect way to tell you all how it feels.

But all I’m left with are reductive clichés:

I am seeing someone. He is wonderful. I am happy.

Beyond these flimsy, inadequate, ultimately futile statements, I am reluctant to share any more at this stage. Just as Bic Runga said It’s not for anybody else to know, I feel a need to gather this beautiful feeling up to my chest, hold it close, keep it safe. It is an embryo – too fragile to fling carelessly into the public domain.

I am trying to accept that it’s okay to be happy. That a giant flaming meteor won’t drop out of the sky and land on my head just because I dared to pull my head out of that expansive emotional quicksand known as Depression.

I feel better, stronger, more like myself. This is good.

2. Writing

Oh man, for some reason, I thought that once I’d finished writing my book, all my insecurities about writing would drop away. What I wasn’t prepared for was that they would get worse.

The act of writing a book is productive, brave, bold, admirable. Tell anyone you’re writing a book, and they tend to go all kind of silent and reverent, and say things like: “oh, wow. That’s really, like, interesting.” However, once you’ve finished writing, you find yourself with a giant ugly lump of a thing, that maybe could contain gold once it’s been chipped and dusted and polished, but is just as likely to turn out to be poo.

There was a five minute period after finishing in which I felt proud of my accomplishment, sure.

Beyond that it was just basically 100% pain.

So I got a job in a burger store, and actively stopped writing. Which made blogging difficult, since blogs are typically created with words.

But it was around about the moment when, after six long, sweaty, greasy hours in the burger store, while handling a customer complaint (that there weren’t enough pickles on their 1/3 pounder with cheese), that I realised I was ready to return to writing.

Sure, Tolstoy I might not be, but at least I now have the confidence to say that my talents are greater than heaping fistfuls of icky pickles onto an outrageously thick hunk of cow meat.

Last week I printed out my manuscript and mailed it to that competition I’ve been talking about entering. Gotta be in it to win it, I suppose.

3. Uh, they’re basically my main reasons. But while I’m here, might I mention that I’m a bit of a sadist now.

I’ve topped before, and enjoyed it on the level of: ‘ooh, this is a bit fun’. And intellectually, I could totally understand the appeal of inflicting pain and torment upon another. But it had yet to reach the stage where it made me, you know. Come.

Like, the idea of topping was not repellent to me, but it was never something I would jerk off to.

But something has changed. A part of myself has been prised open somehow. And it’s scary – I feel like a bit of a monster. Like, what does that say about the person I am, if I want to strap my lover to a bed and cane his bottom until he is insensible with pain? Until he is sweaty, gasping, straining, breathless? Begging for mercy; pleading for release?

Lately, my hands seem to have grown minds of their own. I seem them creeping around his neck, pressing, squeezing.

My confidence is quavering; I don’t know if I can quite follow through. But something that is deeper, darker, and more thoroughly doused in the slick black liquor of sex, is speaking louder than all these insecurities. The Creature has claws. I am awed and afraid and excited.

4. Oh yeah, that’s right. I totally remembered what I was going to say before.

You see, blogging is much like doing a grocery shop. During the week you are reminded continually of exactly what you need to buy, to the point where it is nearly inconceivable that you could ever forget, but then when you actually get to the supermarket everything useful gets completely erased from your brain, so that you spend yet another week living off Crazy Cheese and Marshmallow Fluff, when what you really needed was Food With Actual Nutritional Content, and an Industrial-Sized Container of Nappy San.

Anyway.

I am unsure about my organisational future with the Under 30s Group.

See, I’m no longer going to parties and events, and I don’t see myself re-emerging anytime soon (due to monetary restrictions, an anxiety disorder, and a general desire to keep my kink quiet and private for the time being). I feel out of the loop. And I don’t quite have the time or the energy to keep up with the influx of excitable and nervous newbies anymore.

That said, it seems sad to slink away from the group right at the point where it’s taking off.

So, I dunno. We’ll see.

In the meantime, hi! How y’all doin’?

* Not his real name. Der.

(clicky for the biggie)

This can be seen as the power exchange. I usually do not like explaining my pictures but here are some of my impressions of it:

It was done many years ago, ‘77. with tracing pen and dry brush on transparent paper. Its two drawings, on one paper, not one inversed. I used figures of saber tooth (the demon?) and the woman I created before (I used them in several drawings, it was a recurring theme for me at the time). The negative – and there is no real negative – was drawn and there are other differences besides the obvious one with the hands.

It was designed for direct transfer in printing,

A funny story: the first time it was printed (for a band poster) the guy working there thought it was a great idea to take just one, make a negative and print them like that. He probably thought that the person who drew the negative by hand must be really dumb. Test prints looked quite different from what they should. At that time I did not think it was funny and threw a little fit. A little? ha ha.

It was used on the first poster for the group I was with: Igra Staklenih Perli. Later it was used for the inner sleeves (the panties lol) for latter LPs.

What does it mean: I could say; Bite me! Just look at it.

I can also say: it is a variant on the eternal beauty and the beast theme. The anima and spirit motif. It is an exchange. The ‘energy pearl’ is IT. It’s the common denominator. It empowers both of them. It’s the dare and the need. It’s the fuel, the force that changes black into white and vice versa. It changes the very space in which the characters exist, and it is irrational or mystical so that the change is not complete or consistent move from positive to negative. One exists only because of the other one. The curiosity killed the cat but it also took her virginity and gave her the power to live.

The woman is one (I hesitate to call her a two faced goddess) and the two ‘monsters’ give and take, they exchange places. They exchange power.

Notice the one eyed look of two suns?

“The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience.” Lester Bangs.

That disaster I met in August (who will henceforth be known as ‘Jug Ears’ because I’m an asshole) remarked off-handedly that sometimes I seem to be contemptuous of submissives. I told him it was a bad time to ask me what I think of them in general, given recent events, and we moved on.

But I’ve been thinking on and off about it. I wonder sometimes whether I do feel contempt for submissives, whether part of me looks down on them (and not in the fun, sexy way). I definitely admire the ability to endure physical and mental discomfort or torment. But there are other flavors of submission, particularly the humiliation-oriented stuff, that actively seem to invite the disdain of the dominant. I’m less certain where I stand regarding this kind of submission.

I recently came across a profile of a really, really handsome switch. Dark, well-built, slightly rugged but in an uptown, Rhett Butler-esque way. Perfect, wolfish jaw and teasing smile. Exactly the kind of masculine beauty I enjoy. I sent him a semi-flirty message complimenting him on the pictures and thought that was that.

He wrote back, though, mentioning that he likes cross dressing, specifically in women’s underwear. Wearing silky panties turns him on. He even included a pretty effed-up looking picture of his face superimposed onto a woman’s body.

Of course.

After that, he sent me a little story he wrote starring himself with me  (or a character he called by my screen name) playing a supporting role…literally. I was drawing him bubble baths and helping him put on makeup and fucking his ass with a strap-on and making him feel all pretty and feminine and desired. What the fuck? What kind of (non-pro) dominant would be interested in providing this level of service?

Being inexperienced with this kink, I don’t think I have a right to make any definitive statement about forced feminization or sissification. Is it demeaning to women? Or just an expression of some men’s deep admiration for women? Are sissies just frustrated trans girls who happen to enjoy D/s? Are they men who like being feminized? Or men who like being emasculated? Both? Neither?

Yeah, lots of questions. And I’ve never been with or known a sissy or anyone who was into gender-fucking. Jug Ears was bisexual (and kinda gross about it…checking out men right in front of me. Unacceptable.) and had a slightly femme quality, but that was it. Every other guy I’ve been with, vanilla and kinky, have been total dudes. I made the former boy put on a pair of my underwear once (plain bikini style…I have pretty boring underwear) and he hated it. He felt silly and, while it amused me, it wasn’t at all a turn-on.

I can enjoy and admire femme energy, femininity. But it doesn’t get me wet like the spiky, bristled, hard, roughness of the masculine. I’ve never been attracted to androgynous pretty boys. I like men who look like men, even if that means they’re a wee bit ugly.

There’s also something more…interesting about seeing a butch person brought to his knees. I just have no desire to dominate someone I perceive as soft or dainty, maybe because I’m not sexually drawn to soft and dainty. (Or maybe because it doesn’t seem to be as much of a challenge?) And I’d never be hot for a man wearing lipstick and lingerie, flitting about pretending to be a girl either. Like a lot of kinks I don’t understand or am into myself, it seems more ludicrous than sexy.

I’d like to think that I only feel contempt for contemptible people, whatever their orientation or identity is. But now that I’ve thought about it, I’m not entirely sure that’s the case. It’s hard for me to understand how you could dress your husband or boyfriend or lover in lingerie, or put him in a diaper and stick a pacifier in his mouth and not feel some amount of contempt for him. I mean, at a certain level, isn’t that what he’s seeking? To excite scorn and perhaps even disgust? And isn’t contempt the kiss of death for relationships?

I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t finished sorting through my feelings about this. I’m getting involved with someone who’s very into being humiliated and degraded, which is very new for me. My previous sub emphatically did not like verbal abuse and had to be constantly reassured that I liked and was attracted to him. This potential sub claims to have a thick skin, but I still feel like I’m entering what could be hazardous terrain. I already have an acerbic personality and my (socialized) inclination is to minimize the bile I spew. I don’t really know what will happen with a sub who seems to welcome it.

My initial instinct is caution, as I’m not sure how thick his skin really is, nor am I certain how I’ll react. Perhaps engaging in this variety of kink will affect my feelings about this submissive. Perhaps it won’t. We’ll see.

The performance, Rope Passions at Play, produced by Artemis Hunter and sponsored by Domina Dea, was a huge success.  The weeks preceding the event were carefully planned and the evening was one that I won’t soon forget.  It’s one of the best rope events I’ve attended this year since Atlanta Bound in March.

Many thanks to Domina Dea, a rope lover herself, and highly visible member of the community, for supporting Rope Passions at Play and Artemis Hunter for efforts to put it together.