Firstly, it is almost 2am so I make no claims about how legible this post will be.

***

Laying in bed a few minutes ago, with a million thoughts running through my head, I came to a realisation.

I am like no other woman I know. I have very little concept of what it is like, in the first month trying for a baby, to expect to get pregnant. I imagine that it might be something like how I felt during the TWW of the IUI… hopeful.

We never went through the months of trying unsuccessfully. We arrived in the land of IF by a detour… the detour of knowledge.

These thoughts nestled their way into my overactive consciousness after the tears had stopped.

My best friend is 9 weeks pregnant.

For the first time, I didn’t have the ‘burning ice rising in the pit of my stomach’ feeling that ordinarily arises when I hear somebodies ‘good news’. She was very thoughtful in her announcement. It wasn’t at dinner, it was in person, cleverly timed for when I had the ability to focus my attention on something other than her, and when I could disguise my shaking hands. I could actually feel pleasure for her.

I am happy for them. They’ve been married four years, and have waited for ‘the right time’ long enough to know that it will never happen. They had been trying for two months before she got her miracle.

But I still feel incredible sadness, for us.

The grief comes out in funny ways. I’ve lost the relationship that I had with this friend. I would never, EVER, wish this journey on anyone, but there is still a certain camaraderie between the infertile and the childless. I don’t know about other infertiles, but I know that I am knowledgeable about pregnancy. I’ve memorised just about everything I’ve ever read. And given my recent coping strategy of attempted desensitisation, via the reading of everything you could ever possibly want to know about pregnancy and then some, that’s a lot.

The only person I have outside of the computer screen, who is going through this, is Mr G. Part of my reasoning behind my openness about all of this, is that I desperately want someone to say to me… I understand, I’m dealing with it too.

I have to believe that through this, we will become better people. Maybe its a path to enlightenment… Who knows, it’s 2:30 in the morning, anything is possible in these small hours.

I read on this on Rach’s Blog a few weeks ago, and I have been unable to get it out of my head.

The Oak Tree

• A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
  Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
  Until the oak was tired and stark

  But still the oak tree held its ground
  While other trees fell all around
  The weary wind gave up and spoke.
  How can you still be standing Oak?

  The oak tree said, I know that you
  Can break each branch of mine in two
  Carry every leaf away
  Shake my limbs, and make me sway

  But I have roots stretched in the earth
  Growing stronger since my birth
  You’ll never touch them, for you see
  They are the deepest part of me

  Until today, I wasn’t sure
  Of just how much I could endure
  But now I’ve found, with thanks to you
  I’m stronger than I ever knew

It says everything I can’t.

So, my dear friend.

I am sorry I couldn’t give you the best parts of me tonight. I am sorry that it became too much to bear, and that I had to hurry you out the door. I am simultaneously joyous and heartbroken that you are taking this step in your life. I am trying hard to become the person I want to be. I wish you nothing but happiness.

When I re-read my last post, I think I made an error in making it sound like it’s all okay. I guess I should’ve qualified that by saying “It’s mostly ok.” Sure, I can function more normally and even attend events where I know there will be new mums with their painfully adorable babies. I can even handle the nosy questions on when DH and I will be starting our family (I mention we’ve tried and suffered through a miscarriage and that answer seems to be enough to move us to the next topic).

However, I still can’t handle pregnancy announcements or ultrasound photos (especially those posted on Facebook). That familiar anxiety returns, along with the sharp pang of jealousy. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”

It’s hard. Maybe it will always be hard. I’ve opted to “Hide news items” from two friends over the last couple of weeks. That’s not normal and perhaps I’m still socially stunted. I know I should be happy. I’d want someone to be happy for me too if I were in their shoes. Heck, pregnancy is happy happy news, right? … but just not for me. Not right now.

I think I’m much better dealing with the babies after they’ve arrived. I can deal with that and be happy for the family. No problem. But another pregnancy announcement…? Forget about it. Maybe I have a fear of pregnant bellies…maybe it’s somehow associated with a bizarre fear of the unknown (baby), mixed in with a large, unhealthy dose of envy and stirred with a lot of self-pity.

A lot better but still a little bitter. Sorry to all my pregnant friends and family.

Tomorrow is my neice’s first birthday.

Today was her party.

I have cried many tears because of this little girl.

Today was no different.

As if simply witnessing this joyous event wasn’t hard enough, unsurprisingly, there was another tiny newborn at the party.

And then the trifecta. A pregnancy announcement. Another f***ing honeymoon baby.

I am the girl who cries in bathrooms at parties.

Sometime about a year after Shep was born, it suddenly occurred to us.  This feeling of power and authority swept into our lives as we all of a sudden realized, “Hey, we could actually plan when we’re going to have our next kid!”  This was a new and novel concept for the Dreyers.  You see, back when we found out that I was pregnant with Shep, we were dazed and confused.  We’re still not sure exactly how our contraception plan went awry, but we’re certainly glad that it did!  Now Shepherd is almost two years old and he’s the best little guy we could’ve ever dreamed up for ourselves.  We love being parents!

It took a while after the whole pregnancy, labor, c-section, recovery, stretch marks, losing weight, forgetting what sleep is, remember what sleep is, series of events before we could even think about possibly starting that process all over again.  But we are proud to announce that we have indeed begun that very process for the second time.

Dreyer Baby #2 is due on March 6th, 2010.

So in case you have been wondering why I took a two-week hiatus from blogging, and haven’t rushed to show you my vacation photos, it’s because I’ve been so tired!  I usually blog in the later afternoon while Shep is napping.  Lately however, by the time 3:00 rolls around, I’m totally and completely spent and can’t even think about doing anything but laying on the couch pretending to watch television but really falling asleep.

So stay tuned because in addition to photography, you’re about to get Beth’s pregnancy blog round two!

This picture was taken by my mother in law Helena, who I will say was definitely the first non-photographer to pick up my camera and it’s 70-200mm lens with no fear!  Way to go!

I’m sitting wrapped in a doona, surrounded by a pile of soggy tissues, red eyed, and sniffling. The shaking has subsided, but the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach lingers.

What terrible malady has befallen me?

A pregnancy announcement.

A girl who used to be my best friend. The reasons for the past tense are many, varied and long standing. But she is pregnant, with what must be her honeymoon baby.

She cursed her “stupid, super fertile body” because she “didn’t want it to happen now”.

This illness, makes part of me a bad person. Part of me hates her. Part of me is seething with jealousy. She has PCOS! I should be jumping from the rafters with joy! But I don’t know if I can ever see her again.

She doesn’t know how far along she is. She hasn’t told her parents.

Is every pregnancy announcement going to be like this?

“It will happen when you least expect it”

We’ve paid thousands of dollars, to stick needles into my stomach every day, have a stranger squirt a stranger’s sperm inside me,  to wait with that unique mix of pure hope and dread that only an Infertile’s two-week-wait can bring. Yes, you’re right, if it happens, it will be totally unexpected.

In a small way, she is right, because I don’t really expect that this will ever work.

And that illness makes me reach for fresh tissues.

Although this very sweet teddy bear design is marketed as a baby shower invitation postcard, there’s no reason you couldn’t use it for a pregnancy announcement or birth announcement card – the text is fully customizable.

All of our friends have tried it and love it! My pregnant sister uploaded her first scan and got them back the next day, personalised to all of the family, her friends and work colleagues.  Everyone was very surprised and thrilled to have a picture of the new baby!

You could use these for anything – my friends mum just announced they’re moving to spain with a photo of the new house, it looks lovely, can’t wait to visit!  How about tell all about your exam pass, driving test or even your divorce is final!  My sister is also going to use the upload photo to announce the baby when it is born with the weight, time of birth and she’s also keeping the name a secret until then – great idea!

I was also talking to a friend yesterday about their forthcoming adoption… when I mentioned the announcement cards idea to her, she thought it was a brilliant way to let everyone know.

I’m now off to tell some more friends about this!

Pauline xx

When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I decided to let our families know on Thanksgiving Day. We gave our parents wrapped presents with “I love my Grandma” and “I love my Grandpa” bibs and let them figure it out. It took about half a second since they’ve been asking when we were going to give them grandchildren. (The pressure!)

The next time we were pregnant, we wanted to be more creative. My dad’s birthday was coming up and my mom had planned for the entire family to have brunch aboard one of the San Francisco’s tour trains. So instead of yelling our announcement over the railroad tracks, my husband and I decided to be more sly. I made a special t-shirt for our daughter to wear that said, “I’m going to be a BIG sister!” and see how long it would take for the family to read it. The perfect opportunity presented itself when the train photographer came by and asked the family if we wanted a picture. So while the grandparents and grandchildren were getting situated, I asked Miranda to take her sweater off. Sadly, no one took notice. Then the photographer said, “Oh, what a cute shirt!” Finally, my mom noticed. Everyone was screaming and yelling, and asking if it was true. It was hilarious!

Since creativity runs in the family, my brother and sister-in-law gave us their special announcement by telling us they were going to be in a Dr. Pepper commercial. So as the family gathered around the giant plasma screen over Easter to watch their TV debut, this is what we saw. We were all confused because we didn’t see any Dr. Pepper in the video. The last image took a second or two to sink in. And once it did, the video became an unforgettable announcement, mixed with tears of joy and peals of laughter. Classic!

Carlson Craft- Diva Mom-To-Be

Tell the world that you are expecting with this cute pregnancy announcement from the Carlson Craft Wedding & Baby Showers Book.

Diva Mom-To-Be

Congratulations, diva! Although many things will change now that your expecting, your stylish self will remain. Share your exciting news with friends and family using this diva announcement.
5 3/8″ x 7 3/4″
Featuring
·Rosewood Ink
·DMN Lettering
·Verse C189

That’s my adorable niece Maya Joi counting the days…er…the months till she gets to hold her little baby sister or brother!

That’s right! Mama Jen (the coolest sis-in-law ever) and Daddy Jayme (Mr. Cool Brother himself) are pregnant with baby number TWO! Congratulations to the Vazquez household and way to go guys. We just can’t wait to see the newest little munchkin. We love you guys!

This picture was taken on June 27th at 9:26PM. For the mathematically challenged — myself included, pregnancy math is weird, yo! — that makes Christine 18 weeks pregnant with a due date of March 8, 2009. Hooray!

And since babies can supposedly hear what goes on outside the womb at this point, we are already hard at work on a wicked-cool, mellow jam mix tape for the little one. Man, I sure hope baby digs Radiohead…

And then there were truly five. And it is a pregnancy announcement this time! Hooray! (Laura, I had already written this when you commented…that’s so funny, hahaha!)  Yes, I’m serious.  And yes, they were hints. 

I was going to announce it last week when the pregnancy test came back faintly but definit, but I couldn’t find a decent picture of a bun in an oven. And I thought I’d wait a week, just in case. Devo suggested waiting until after the first trimester before making a general announcement, since that is what we did last time. But that was a special post-miscarriage circumstance. So this time we are stepping out in faith and announcing it to our family and friends and beyond into the general blogosphere:

WE’RE HAVING A BABY AND WE’RE SO EXCITED!!!!!

Besides, I told him, I really want to blog about it. How lame would it be skirting around the most important thing happening to me for the next three months? And how many times could I start a post with “I’m so tired all the time” or “I puked again today” before someone caught on? At least now you can humor me and all of my pregnant whims.

No, I’m not going to be a wimp this time, and I will take care not to whine too often. And if I do, I’ll try to temper it with a little cheese.

I have nodded courteously in the direction of the introduction to soon-pervading exhaustion, just to acknowledge it’s presence. I am taking my prenatals courageously, even though they made me sick through my entire pregnancy with Amelie. And I am steadfastly ignoring my pregnant version of hypochondria. I am not nauseous. I am not debilitatingly tired. I am not waddling. I am not starving all the time. I am not getting rounder.

Well, actually, I am getting rounder. Four weeks into it and rounding already. I guess that’s what happens on Round 4. So I’m celebrating by throwing out, burying, or burning all paraphenalia that contains toned, lithe, thin, or hard images. I’m papering my walls with pictures of things that are round. And soft. And possibly swollen, to prepare me for looking at my face in the mirror towards the end of this adventure. This is my future, I will embrace it wholeheartedly.

Approximate due date is April 19. That means that currently I am five and a half weeks along. And my sesame seed baby is sprouting arm and leg buds this week. Already it has a little tiny heart! Incredible!

Lia has been very very cute about it. She’s been telling me for some time that about “when our new baby is born”. The day we found out that I was pregnant, Lia told me a number of times through the day, “Mommy, I’m so glad you are pregnant!” And accompanied it by a little hug or a sweet kiss. Now she talks to me about the baby in her tummy. She tells the baby good morning and good night. It’s so sweet…

So after our first appointment, we decided as a couple that we would tell some people even though Tene was only about 2 months along. A lot of people choose to wait until the 12th week or 3rd month because the first 12 weeks are when miscarriages most often occur.

However, our decision was to tell a few people who we were close to–people who would be supportive if the worst did occur.

My parents, her mom, our sisters, and some of our closest friends or coworkers.

It was great to be able to tell people since we had been holding in the secret for 2 weeks.

According to T*ne, he mom, who was in an airport waiting to fly black from Oklahoma, was really happy and overcome with emotion. T*ne’s sisters (especially silly Thr*sa) started to look up all kinds of stuff to buy and name the baby online. T*ne actually told her sisters first the night we went out to her birthday at Sriphaphai.

On the other hand, my mom and dad were more subdued. I told my mom first. At first she was surprised, and she followed up with a lot of questions about how it had happened (duh!) and how T*ne was doing. She talked a little to me about her own pregnancies with my sister M**na and I. Afterwards I called my dad. After spending the first 5-10 minutes talking to him about sports, I abruptly switched the subject and told him “So dad we’re gonna have to push back the wedding” (I had been using this set-up to tell everyone). So in typical dad fashion, he never asked “why?” I had to say “yea well were pushing back the wedding because T*ne is pregnant.” He was silent for what seemed like 20 seconds (it was probably more like 5-6 seconds) before saying again in typical dad fashion “its time to save money.” Although he’s been a great dad, he’s never been the touchy-feely type. Even to this day, when he drops me off at the airport to come back to NY, we say goodbye with our awkward looking hug/pat-on-the back.

The other people Tene told were a couple of close co-workers and her best friend Ari.

I told Chris (who’s baby will be born in April), Jamel, Chang, Marvin, and Rachel.

Of course everyone is surprised . One of the best things I heard was from Rachel. I told her over IM and instead of saying congratulations first, she typed a bunch of exclamation points and said “youre going to be a great dad.” That was great.

Time to come clean for those either not in my imediate family (excluding one of my sisters who my mum still hasn’t told – sorry Sue!) and for those not on facebook, we are due to bump our family number up to four at the beginning of october, unfortunately not with a puppy, just a boring old baby

That’s right, I’m currently about nine weeks knocked up with baby number two, making me due on the tenth of October, Dan and I are very happy but so far Declan seems less than impressed about the whole thing. So far things have been far easier than my first pregnancy so I hope that’s a sign of good things to come!

(A video to listen to, while you read, enjoy)

Hello baby.  I want you to know before you read any further that I love you with all of my heart!  I also want you to know that I would and will lay down my life to protect you! I also want you to know that over the next several months as a marriage and other things transpire that you will be the victim of scrutiny.  Don’t you worry though I am going to do my job as a man to protect and shield you from any and all scrutiny.  Know with all of your heart that I will not listen to naysayers, I will not listen to critical people, I will not listen to people who do not have our best-interest at heart.  I will not listen, for a second, to anyone who says a negative word about you.  You know why, because no matter what anyone says it was not a mistake, by any stretch of the imagination that you are now in my life. You matter to me, you matter to the world, and you matter to God.  Furthermore to the people who speak bad words to or about you, they are the ones who do not matter.  I believe in fate and it was nothing but fate that put you here in my life.  I also want you to know that the people who are reading this and still think that I am talking about your mother, Josie, are now shocked.  Shocked mostly, I’m sure, because they didn’t expect you to come so soon.  Didn’t expect your mom and I had enough love to do this.  Well let me let you know that I love your Mom with all of my heart, all of my soul, all of all I got.  I also want you to know very early that your mom always always always will come first.  She came into my life before you and she always will come first.  Don’t confuse that however that I Love you more than anything on planet earth, second to your mom.  We found out officially that you were on your way, on Tuesday, January 15^th, 2008 and we are so pumped up and excited for you to make you arrival in just around 8 months from now.  We don’t even know if you are a boy or a girl but what we do know is that you are beautiful, you are full of life, and there is a world out here that your Mom and I cannot wait for you to experience with us.  It will be a world we protect and shield you from but a world that will fully embrace you, we will make sure of that!  I also want you to know upfront that your life WAS NOT AND IS NOT a mistake.  In the Bible, it says you are a gift from the almighty God I cannot wait for you to learn about the amazing grace that God, Jesus Christ, has for each and every one of us.  He is forgiving and has forgiven your Mom and me a multitude of times.  I pray for your health and your salvation daily.  I pray right now that you will find your calling on earth and do well in the eyes of that God guy I am talking about.  Baby good luck to you and I’ll see you in about 8 months.  By the time you read this I am sure we’ll be flying around in cars or something neat like that.  

 Thank you to each and every one of you who read this.  Josie and I are amazingly excited for the pregnancy of our little one.  I expect to be judged by some but I won’t listen to anyone who decides to do so.  Either you’re with us or…Well that is the only option because there aren’t places in the life of our family that aren’t supportive of a gift from God.I am Coach.