I’ve really gotta start looking out for myself..
I don’t know what it is.
I feel so happy on the outside.
I feel so sad on the inside.
I’ve been drinking by myself so much..
&Today, I’ve actually thought about cutting for the first time in years..
Why? I don’t know.. I really don’t.
My eating’s been just horrible.
Blakouts&fainting has caught up to me.
I’ve blacked out every time I’ve stood up today.
And a few hours ago I fainted.
Thank god I was home alone..

I don’t know what’s happening.
Usually, when I get episodes like this, I KNOW why.
I don’t this time.

Athough, I havn’t had one like this since I’ve moved to Ottawa.
Here.. Theres nobody there for me.
In Sudbury.. every body was at my beck and call…
Maybe I’m lonely.

Oh I don’t know.
But, I know when something’s wrong because my posts become utterly negative.

Everyone thinks I’m happy.

ew. even the numbers are gross. ugh this fat has got to go.
i’m goin to bed. peace

I’m so pumped for my fast! I can’t wait! in 28 day’s I should weigh around 117lbs. ah it’s wonderful. and i’m not gonna cave or have to worry about my mom being on my back. i already told her i’m going to be fasting after Thanksgiving and she was fine with it so, I’m pretty sure that just means she know’s I’m fat too. :/. Anyhoo. I’ve been looking at thinspo all day and reading pro ana blogs. I’ve also been…eating…alot. it’s so stupid! i can’t even remember half the crap that went into my mouth today. tommorow will NOT be repeat. I have no desire to have to fast longer than 28 days. hmmm what else….I’ve been really bored all day. I’ve been ether on the computer or watching TV. I think it’s becasue I stayed home insead of going to school today – I just didn’t feel like it lol. and my mom let me stay home so w/e and don’t go thinking i’m gonna flunk out or anything. I’m a senior with straight a’s. I like flip out when I get a grade lower than a 90 lol. well that’s all I have to write about. talk to you chickies later

peace love and skinny

Well I decided to make this blog to see if I prefer it to xanga really lol. if you want to read some of my old blogs go here. I’m pretty open and I type what’s on my mind so I’m fun lol. lets see. I’m starting a 28 day water fast the day after Thanksgiving and I can’t wait. I’m gonna put up a page about what happens on a 28 day water fast and how it burns FAT not MUSCLE contrary to popular belief. and I’ll be putting up a lot of other useful links. and if anybody has any questions or just wants to talk or just needs some support comment me and I will definitely not leave you hangin’ =)

It’s not healthy to lock yourself in your room all night and drink a mixture of raspberry&watermelon vodka&apple juice. Alone.

I’ve GOT to stop doing this.. There is history of alcoholism in my family. (father) &after what he’s done to me, I neverrrr want to be an alcoholic. Especially not at 18.

What am I compensating for??

My ex? Do I miss my depressed self? Do I miss being REALLY thin? Is schoo taking a bigger tole on me then I thought? Do I miss y hometown?

Or is this just the next thing I’ll have to fight?

I mean… I’ve pretty much fought it all.
Drug addiction
Cutting
Reacuring depression
ED
Family Issues.
Exsesive sex.
I guess booze fits right in there doesn’t it.

I hope I’m wrong.. I’m not really thinking I’m right.
I’m just sitting here. Drunk. Wishing I was thinner. Cunting my calories of today (like 200 lol) &planning out tomorrow. &this random thought popped into my head..of how, I should not keep alcohol to my disposition.

bah. I can feel this being a hard week.

Late last night, I had a binge. Icing and chocolate wafers. What. The Hell. Get with the program, bitch!
Today, I’ve had about 200cals. I will have NOTHING else. I don’t care if my favorite food is put in front of my face, I’m not eating anything. Coffee and water and exercise. Nothing more.
On the plus side, only two day week for Thanksgiving. Today was day one, so tomorrow is the last, then I have Wednesday to myself, Thursday is TG, and Friday-Sunday are goingin to be dedicated to working my ass into a smaller pair of pants.

I am going to make sub-goals, now.
270 – I will give myself one day of relaxation.
260 – I will buy myself a new bra and panty set (Which I really need, I’ve been wearing the same for a fucking year).
250 – I will tell my mom I’ve lost, I think she’ll celebrate with me.

I’ll decide from there…
I WILL BE 270 BY DEC10. NO EXCUSES.

Hope everyone is having a grand day. I am going to post up a new page with some stuff like thinspo, my rules, my approved diets, etc.

(photo found here)

Just my two cents on the whole Kate Moss bit.  Some people have crucified her since she’s a role model (cough cough) and said, “Nothing tastes and good as thin feels,” with the fear that this comment, from her, will spur more eating disorders.

Perhaps someone will hear these words from her mouth and go, “oh, so I can loose weight and it will be fun, or good for me.”  Whether or not this will trigger an eating disorder, in my opinion, is debatable.

On one hand, yes, the comment is obviously harmful.  And yes, vulnerable people will hear it.  And yes, it’s false in its very premise (you can’t taste anything if you don’t eat).

But I don’t see Kate Moss as a role model.  It’s not exactly as if her cocaine use and prior history with eating disorders have been kept secret.  People who already have an eating disorder use her pictures as thinspiration.  People who want to lose a large amount of weight already keep her figure in mind.  Sadly, she’s known for these things.

And it’s not like she’s the first person to say that.  I read one blog that said Oprah was the first person to use that phrase, but I’ve been hearing that phrase long before Oprah came along.  It’s one of the main thinspo quotes.  It’s found in pro-ana sites, facebook groups, and regular old health and fitness magazines such as Shape and Fitness.

Eating disorders are already on the rise.  I honestly don’t think her comment will affect this trend.

Do I think she should have said it?  No.  I do think public figures should think a little before the speak.  In an ideal world they would have some privacy, or the editor would realize that’s not the best thing to keep in, but we don’t live in an ideal world.  Actresses and models and singers and public figures are all going to say things and do things that contradict what is healthy.

I don’t have stats, but I don’t think people thought doing cocaine was okay when that whole story came out regarding Kate Moss.  I don’t think a significant number of people will change from “eating disorders are bad” to “maybe I should have one” just because she said this one comment.  I think the people who are most vulnerable to the effects of this comments are those individuals who are new to recovery or who are ambivalent about making the first steps towards recovery.

In a Guardian article the Brit model Kate Moss is quoted as saying one of her mottos was:

“nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”

This has caused some Anorexia charities to be concerned as they say that this sort of statement is strongly associated with pro-anorexia  websites. It seems there are quite a few pro-anorexia (“pro-ana”) sites out there encouraging people with anorexia and giving them tips on how to fool doctors and family and ways to make it appear they do not have an eating disorder.

It is easy to look at someone with anorexia and think it is should be no problem for them to eat and get healthy and fit, I have been guilty of this I must admit. But one has to realize this is a mental health issue, no one wakes up and suddenly thinks “I’ll eat very rarely and look like a concentration camp inmate because it is attractive.” They obviously have some health issues to feel this way.

The media and the thin so called super models and other influential people in the spotlight that provides “thinspiration” for people with anorexia do not help.

Susan Ringwood, chief executive of Beat, an eating disorder charity, is quoted as saying:

“anorexia – which accounts for 10% of eating disorders in the UK – has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, with 20% of cases resulting in death.”

I was not aware of this and it is shocking, Ringwood also says:

“Pro-anorexia websites,… outnumbered recovery sites five to one.”

Another shocking fact, it is a serious issue that is not something which has an easy fix.

Kate Moss has said her comments were taken out of context and she doesn’t support the lifestyle of being anorexic.

So I for one have to remember if I come across someone who has anorexia or some other eating disorder it is not necessarily something they happily do for fun, they have some issues that do require some help. It is not just young teenage girls that suffer from these afflictions although they make up the bulk of the sufferers.  I know of a women in her seventies who recently was diagnosed with suffering from anorexia and that she struggled with it also when she was much younger.

Link: Guardian  article

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEE!!!!

Well, okay, actually t was yesterday, but shhh. I am now EIGHTEEN! WOOOH! This weekend was EPIC!! Me&some of my girls went out to Hull&went clubbing&rented a hotel room. SUPER fun. Had suuuch a great night.

AND, my&J are now official Oddly enough, our anniversary is on my birthday haha.

One problem.
J has an ED to.

WHY do ALL the people I Get involve with always end up having EDs??? GAH. S had one, L had one and now J has on. So does L and M and A. It’s like, I can’t get away from it.

But.. we’ll see how it gows. She’s realy really great. I want to be with her for a long time, thankfully, she feels the same way.. We’re on the same page for a lot of things.

Okay guys, that’s all for today, I’m sooo exhausted..partied too much this weekend haha. I’ll leave you guys with a picture of my new tattoo, that I got today and I absoutely LOVE!

Amandah

Ohh, my tattoooo )

Unfortunately petite supermodel Kate Moss is not only known for her model, acting & fashion work. She is also notoriously known as an anorectic & drug addict.
In a recent interview she says a motto she tries to live by is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” A popular slogan of the pro-ana\anorexia online communities. She adds:  “You try and remember, but it never works.”

This has many in an uproar, angry that someone frequently thought of to model for anorexia is saying something like this out loud &
that it is irresponsible & fuels more distorted thought from millions of girls who inspire to look like her.
My initial reaction was anger, but we cannot forget that Kate Moss is a sick woman. Years of torturing her mind & body from eating disorders & cocaine abuse has a devastating impact on oneself.

She knows she is seen as a poster board for the anorexic ideal and she says this, what I see is an ill woman trying to build herself up on her obsession.
It is irresponsible that she says this so blatantly knowing of the impact it will have, but it’s regrettable that along with the pressure to have the perfect body, she is expected to have a perfect soul.

It’s often been debated as rather or not to hold famous people responsible for their actions’ impact on those who admire them.
And while they do have more of a responsibility to do this than the average person, it is not always necessary that we hold them to higher standards than we do ourselves.
Kate Moss is sick, it is tragic that she believes & tries to abide by that quote.
But I feel that she actually deserves more help than a backlash.  
It angers me that we blame her & her alone for her illness, rather than the industry that exploited her endlessly as the heroin chic look.
I am not defending her statement, I am defending the fact that she is an ill woman. An otherwise physically & or mentally healthier person would not say that.
Not guilty by reason of insanity perhaps.

“But it never works” she adds, on her deepest level she knows that it does not work, it leaves with more pain. Her haunted eyes reveal this, the young woman who aspired to be a petite model & her emotional instability were & are exploited. It saddens me more than it angers me, she is ill, she needs help.  

Kate, thin never feels as good as freedom feels.

I weighed myself as soon as I got up, before eating or drinking anything. Still down another pound. I don’t know how, but it’s nice. 283. So, that’s seven pounds since Tuesday, I think? If I can make it a nice round 10…

The problem is is that I am not taking in enough fiber, I suppose. I haven’t used the bathroom in a couple days. I don’t abuse lax or diuretics, so it can’t be that. Anyway, I took something with 12 oz of water, so hopefully it’ll help.

I don’t know when my mom will be home. Hopefully not soon! My dad and brother just left for the day, because my brother is mega bipolar and ADHD and if he doesn’t get out and do something it’s hell for all of us. So I suppose I should try to implement that schedule I put in yesterday. : ) Hopefully I can do iiitttt.

Ciao.

Another post today…
I ended up eating dinner. A handful of popcorn chicken and a couple of potato wedges. I’m under 1000 cals today, so it’s okay.

I found that it’s impossible to do cardioke or aerobics for more than a few minutes when I’m sick. but I was able to jog in place for a while, hahaha, even though very slow. So, I didn’t burn enough today. : ( I probably didn’t lose anything tonight. But this morning I was down to 284, so another pound yesterday. If I could just lose a pound a day… I know that’s unrealistic. Still, I think I shall try to make my calorie deficeit about 1000+cals a day. So, If I intake 1000cals, I need to burn at least 2000cals. Can anyone fucking do that?! But what if I tie in my BMR? AT the moment, my BMR should be 2130, according to this calculator. But, lets say it’s wrong. Lets say it’s only 1000. So, if I can burn 1000 more calories a day, I’ll be fucking set.

How about I jump rope for 20 minutes.
And I jog for 10.
And Bicycle (leisure) for 10.
And do jumping jacks for 10.
And run for 5.
High impact aerobics for 25 (The length of my video).
And walking for 30.
I would burn about 1500.
unless this calculator is wrong.
Can I do it? Hell yes.
Can you imagine if I also added in what I did in school? (I’m *always* running around in school, we goof off so much.)

What I’m getting at is… that’s a lot. 3 pounds a week. I can do that. I can get almost to my goal in a year.

With thanksgiving coming up, though, I figure that every holiday I can give myself one day to have 2000 – 3000 calories as a well deserved “binge.” I have the control to keep myself from doinging more than one day, I just have to believe… Wow, that sounded stupid. But maybe I should try hypnosis…

Man, I need to get some visitors, this is blank site. : (

Lots going on right now…

I’m ignoring West Coast, because I’m absolutely sick of the heartache. This hurts a lot too, but I don’t want to have to hear him say something awful like he did last week.

I can hardly believe I’ve gone a full week without talking to him… I miss him like hell.

Part of me wants to get him jumped. That would be really easy, because I know a lot of tough guys who absolutely hate men who victimize women. These guys operate on a sub-zero tolerance policy.

But I know in my heart of hearts that violence can’t be solved with violence. And I really do care for him, and seeing him get hurt would probably make things a lot worse in the grand scheme of things, no matter how much I want there to be some kind of recourse for what he did and said.

Something in me is telling me that I should talk to him. But he’s crossed a line and I can’t apologize anymore.

“Sorry I let you rape me.” It sounds stupid when you say it aloud, n’est-ce pas?

“Sorry for spending so much time and energy on you.”

“Sorry for believing you when you said you’d be there.”

“Sorry for depriving myself of so much in order to give you more.”

“Sorry for expecting a short visit from you after everything we’d been through.”

“Sorry for waiting in my room for you for hours and hours when you weren’t going to come over anyway.”

It all sounds so stupid. What have I even been apologizing for? It’s not fair. Everyone observing this trainwreck between WC and I agrees, and I trust that they would tell me if I were out of line. He’s awful… but that makes me want him worse.

He doesn’t realize that what he did to me has made my eating disorder get markedly worse. I feel like a worthless piece of trash. I can’t accept anything about me that is imperfect, especially not on my body. Now that he doesn’t want me anymore, I just feel like everything I am is wrong. I probably could have been more irresistable. I probably could have kept my facade up for longer, and then I could have had him for longer. I could have been less weak in many regards – with the food, with saying “no,” with the mental breakdowns he’s been witness to.

But I’m weak.

Weak enough to have to get back into this “pro-ana” bullshit too, apparently. There’s this Twitter thing, “The Skinny Bitch Challenge.” I find that when I have a goal in mind like that, like a set number of calories each day or a pledge to only drink juice and water, everything is more effective. It makes each day feel compartmentalized, like each one is a new opportunity to work harder, detached from all the days before it. It’s a safe feeling.

I’m on a liquid fast until Thanksgiving, and by that time, the Skinny Bitch Challenge will have started. I’m not so sure what to do about Thanksgiving, actually, because my family is catching on fast. I’ll have to think of something to stay one step ahead of them all.

It’s stupid, and it feels like I’m back in middle school, but it helps me along. The support is kind of nice, too. I just don’t want to be that “oMg PoAsT tHiNsP0o0!” girl or some sort of “wannarexic” who only puts the fucking fork down to cry about her weight.

This liquid fast has been a great success today. My friends are all going out to dinner, and if I go along, I’ll be ordering water and water alone. I’m broke anyway, so this is my best option, disorder aside.

Reading this over another time, I see that I’m really sick and fucking twisted. It’s sick how I want him still, it’s sick how cowardly I am, and it’s definitely sick how much I hate myself and demonize people who are just like me.

I’m in an awful mood. And the fucking washing machines are broken… fuck this dorm.

For those who don’t follow my blog on a regular basis.. T is my stepmoher. Although, sh ehardly deserves that title. I havn’t talked to her or my father in years, exept for random bashes that they’ll tell me of how unwanted I am and stupid things like that. It used to get to me a lot. I’ve gotten better at just letting it get to me a little.
Anyways, I had sent her this. My goal, was closure.

T,

So there. It’s about closure…

And this, would be her lovely answer -_-

R U FEELING OK???? Lets keep this civil and easy. If you can’t converse with me intelligently then maybe don’t bother talking 2 me at all. pls n ty u did this to urself sorry. god! stories wow lol u should start telling the truth eh …i have nothing to hide r lie about sorry so stop talking BS pls…why even bother US? leave us alone ok pls, don’t u get the HINT!!! and believe me i can’t talk for ur dad but i sure do know ur dad does see it!!! least we LOVE him..u call what ur doing to him is LOVE??? if so i think u better check again what LOVE really is…and NOT LIES! pls don’t u ever email me again i have better things to do then this thank you.goddbye Amanda. one more thing what xmas is coming so ur putting ur 2 cents in now?…like u did last xmas ..i see rite thru u and ur lies sorry. and no im not going to be nice to a lil brat like u..i have what i want and LOVE very much, do u?…lol pls tell me what im NOT entitled to,{You’re acting like you were forced into making the decision you made. That’s a bold-faced lie. You had }. {OH PLS TELL THE TRUTH BETTER} ..i’m sorry to break ur lil bubble but i never LIED r have to pretend to be part of ur dad’s family sorry if u see it that way but eh ur only AMANDA would u like me to go on ??? and pls make some senesce into this..

-_- ugh I didin’t write back. But, I did laugh out loud.. &got a few tears down my face. Then, closed my laptop and went to get my hair cut. I can’t get over how ridiculous she is however.. Like geeze woman, go smoke yourself another fix of crack w/ my father and grow he fuck up.

That’s enough.

So, today’s been ugh, better than yesterday in all means..but, still not so much a good day.

Idk. Seems I just feel sooo fat lately.

My auntie’s noticed the change in me. I can deny it all I want.. But I’mso hooked on loosing more weight.. yet again.. People I just met are asking me if I have an ED.. I guess I’m really making it obvious.. unintentionnaly ofcourse..

Mehhhh. I’ve been getting harased by my stepmother today. Okay, she doesn’t even deserve the title step-mother. I guess it’s because I sent her an email.. Ineeded closure.. She sent me back the worst possible things.. My ego can’t take much more.

I mean, it’s been getting shot down so much these last few months.. Started in t beginning of October, when me&S broe up (like a day before our 1yr ugh).. Then I lost my job.. I’m not dointoo well in uni.. failed a class.. Then L happend and just ugh.

I miss my smiles&stuff. My real ones. I’m tired of these fake smiles&I’m fines and just fake peppy Amandah.

I’m not really in the blogging mood, a you can probably tell since I’m just gettin gstraight to the point of things… &Well, this is where I’m going to end my post… I’m just so tired.

Amandah

PS: EIGHTEEN SATURDAY!! WOOOOHH! Getting my second tattoo (will have pics) &going partyyyinggg sooo much! Hull here I come, hitting the clubbsss woop!

Yesterday’s post on Pro-ana and Pro-mia sites didn’t generate as many comments as I imagined it would.  I had honestly hoped for more.  I did delete two comments that ignored the content of the post entirely and resorted to name calling (me) and attacking (me).  I don’t mind if you all disagree with me, and I expected that yesterday, but I really don’t want to be called vulgar names.  Just for having an opinion.

Cheryl brought up a point:

“You could pretty much say that everyone is prone to an eating disorder with the media and the way the world is about food/weight, add proana in the mix and it increases the chances.”

Okay, then. Not everyone is prone to an eating disorder.  The media does not make someone prone to an eating disorder, they provoke eating disorder symptoms in people who are already prone to one.  There is a big difference between the two.

And if media is making people prone (it’s not, as I said in the prior paragraph, it’s just encouraging people who are already vulnerable to succumb to an eating disorder) to eating disorders, then let’s delete Facebook.  Sure we know we can type in “anorexia” in the search box in the group pages and find thinspiration pages galore.  But there’s another type of insidious form of pro-ana/mia sites on Facebook: the unbelievable number of treatment site groups.  Seriously, how many Frew Crew groups do we need?  Or Remuda groups?  Or any of the main treatment centers that have multiple groups.

You Know You’ve Been to Sheppard Pratt When . . .

the sound of trays rolling by gives you a mini heart attack.
you predict how good your day will be by whether or not your juice is frozen at breakfast.
you can look at your arm and make jokes about being a junkie.
you know the flobotomists on a first name basis.
you will hate wednesdays for the rest of your life.
flushing the toliet amuses you.
you can beat all of your friends at rummy.
getting to go to the bathroom makes you really happy.
when sitting at the table with your friends, you randomly suggest that they all play a table game.
just thinking about ensure makes you sick.
replacement tray=death.
you get super excited on the rare occasion that peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches make it onto the menu.
when you consider shaking ensure as a form of exercise.
when you’ve prayed to gain exactly 0.2 kg per day, no more no less.
if you’ve memorized dining etiquette, word for word.
you’ve sung songs about having a pocketfull of prozac and a body from ensure.

sure some of these are cute–beating all your friends at rummy.  But these groups, and this is a VERY tame one, contribute to the idea that eating disorder treatment is fun and glamorous and something to take pride in.  You should be proud of surviving the eating disorder and recovering.  You shouldn’t be proud of what particular treatment center you went to.

Here’s a great group about Remuda:

I Drove the MHTs crazy!
if you…
-got several redirections a day
-was offered supplement quite frequently
-argued with the dietician for hours
-exercised in your room at night
-ran to breakfast on your last meal
-ate your resource cookies in a circle (they aren’t good any other way)
-whispered about MHTs behind their backs
-walked to Cherokee without wearing a sweatshirt
-pretended that you were signed up for shaving every day
-sneaked all of your nail polish up into your bedroom so that you could give yourself daily manicures and pedicures
-never sat at privleged table
-always argued about how much syrup you had to use for french toast dippers
-was on couch rest more than once
-made up songs about different MHTs
-always moved your feet when you sat down and got called on for excessive movement
-asked to use the bathroom all of the time…especially after meals and snacks
-tried to skip drinking water after leisure walks……

I know people who join treatment center groups in mass numbers for reasons such as this.  I know girls who have joined this group because they were on their way to Remuda and now have a list of ways to try to get away with things, AKA delaying recovery.

So why aren’t we protesting these groups?  Is it because they’re closed?  Is it because they have this guise of recovery until you start reading posts and discussions?  One thing I value is honesty, and I respect people at pro-ana sites who at least know where they stand.  They aren’t flaunting it.  They aren’t recruiting people.  (THAT does get me angry.)  but they’re honest.

I made a group for fun:

Sheppard Pratt Helped Me Save My Life!

[we welcome people from any treatment center who feel this way, who will acknowledge that no center can save someone's life, but that the center can give you the tools to save your own life.  If you let them help you.]

FINALLY, a group to celebrate the POSITIVE aspects of the RESULTS of being in a treatment center.

This isn’t about all the “fun times” or “cool friends” or “tricks pulled” or “stupid rules” or “strict staff” or “stupid groups.”

It’s not to say “treatment kids are rad!” or “I got kicked out of rehab!” or “I drove the MHTs crazy!” or “I was bad in treatment!”

THIS is a group to say, “Hey. It sucked that I was there. I DON’T MISS IT. I don’t miss the people, the helpful staff, the environment.”

And most importantly, “I DON’T MISS BEING SICK.”

I went to treatment. Maybe I laughed and joked while I was there, and yes, I made friends. But I will not make light of driving the MHTs and, therefore, the other patients, crazy, nor will I declare myself cool for having been to treatment, nor do I think it’s funny to be kicked out of rehab. And why in the world would you want to join a group, “I was bad in treatment”? Is this something you really want to be proud of or make light of since it most likely held you back from recovery?

I’m not going to refer to an eating disorder-a deadly illness-as Ana, Mia, or Ed. It’s an illness, people, not your friend.

I did the work to get myself better, but there is no way that could have happened without the help I received from Sheppard Pratt.

So this is just a follow-up.  I’d really like more discussion on these topics.  I think we need to discuss them.  Calmly.  Rationally.  And with a willingness to at least consider other people’s points of view, if only for the time reading the post.  Suspend your own beliefs and convictions and try something else on for fit.  Then if you think it doesn’t fit, state why.

We learn, I think, by discussing these things.  And I don’t think we should ever stop learning.

So here it is.  The promised entry stating what I think about pro-ana and pro-mia sites.  I’m sure I’ll get a lot of comments with questions or alternating view points because I tend to have some controversial opinions regarding these sites.

Here’s a couple of things I want to throw out there, however, before we all start jumping down anyone’s throat who says they have a pro-ana site or are a frequent visitor of one:

A) When a lot of us were ill, before we wanted to recover and during the ambivalent stages of recovery, we went to pro-ana and pro-mia sites.

B) A LOT of users at pro-recovery sites such as Something Fishy (an absolutely wonderful site.  I have one of their stickers on my laptop.) also visit pro-ana and pro-mia sites at the same time.

(And for simplicity’s sake, I will now use “pro-ana” to refer to both pro-ana and pro-mia sites. Ana=anorexia and Mia=Bulimia.)

Okay.  I don’t believe they should be shut down.  I don’t believe they should be censored.  For one thing, we’ve tried to do this before and the main sites reemerged within hours under different URLs, which ended up hurting the original reason for shutting the sites down.  At least when you typed in “anorexiasplayground” (or something similar) you knew what you were getting.  When you type in “famous panda” (not an actual pro-ana site), however, and suddenly get “thinspo” and “pro-ana tips” as a result, that can be problematic.  You actually end up reaching more people, the people who knew how to get there for the pro-ana information and the people who were legitimately searching for panda information but who are also susceptible to an eating disorder to begin with.

But there are two important reasons, to me, why I don’t believe these sites should be shut down or censored.

1) If you shut them down or censor them, we give the users of those sites the message that they should not exist and that they do not have a voice.  This is already a major problem for people with eating disorders: the silence, the voicelessness. Just because you may not like what someone has to say does not mean they should be silenced.  A lot of us grew up that way.  Keep it in.  Keep it down. What did that amount to?  Isolation.  Shame.  Eating disorders and other self-harming behaviors.

But they’re talking about eating disorders in a positive light, encouraging each other to keep the eating disorder, right?  There are sites like that.  I tend to call them the more militant pro-ana sites.  But the most of them admit that they have an eating disorder and that it’s not a lifestyle choice and that it’s pure hell having one.  Most of the sites warn people to leave if they don’t already have an eating disorder and state that you can’t “become” anorexic and that they will not help someone do so.  A lot of sites have memorial pages dedicated to the ones who have died.

What do they talk about?  Yes, weight loss/weight gain.  Food.  Sizes.  Exercise.  All the same things two people with EDs will talk about if left alone and if they are not recovery oriented, but on these sites, it’s in the open.  But more importantly, these sites are a place where people get support and get heard.  They can’t voice their fears on boards like Something Fishy.  They can’t talk about their ambivalence towards recovery there.  Because everyone is supposed to want the eating disorder to be gone, right?  Except think back and remember how long it took you to want to let go, if you’ve gotten to that point yet.  These men and women are honest in the stages they are at in their illness.

But if someone wants to get better, everyone tries to convince them not to do so, right?  Wrong.  Some of the main pro-ana sites have had owners who were pro-ana and then decided to recover.  Members of these sites know how hellish an eating disorder is, but they know they are not ready to let go. But when an individual decides she is ready and strong enough to try to recover, she will find support there, and will often get responses such as, “I wish I was in your position.  Maybe some day.”

2) The second reason I’m against banning or censoring the sites is related to the first.  Let’s say we silence them-which is impossible.  What would happen is that the sites would once again go deeper underground.  The sites would be more difficult to find.  That’s great, right?  Wrong.  Because then the individuals that use those sites are more difficult to find.  And if we can’t find them, then we can’t talk to them.  We can’t engage in a dialogue with them.  We can’t understand where they are at, where they are coming from, and what they need.  And if and when they decide to recover, we can’t be there to help them.

Silence=Shame=Death.

I was inpatient once with another young woman who had talked in groups and was working very hard toward recovery.  And the rest of the girls on the unit supported her.  Then in one group she announced that prior to coming into treatment she had shut down her pro-ana site and was nervous about going home and finding a different online peer group.  From that group session on, the rest of the treatment community shunned her because they were outraged that she used to be involved with the pro-ana community.  It didn’t matter that she was now throwing herself wholeheartedly into recovery, that she was compliant with all of her treatment plan, that she had shut down the site.  The therapists were not equipped and/or didn’t want to mediate the situation, and the girl ended up leaving AMA because of the now harmful treatment environment.

No, I don’t believe the sites are healthy in terms of the weight loss tips and tricks and the thinspiration pictures.  But read almost any eating disorder memoir and you will find the same exact information.  I have only read one memoir that didn’t provide thinspiration or tips and tricks: Good Enough by Cynthia Nappa Bitter.  It’s actually about recovery.  Open up weekly tabloids, watch the television, go to the movies, read cookbooks or cooking magazines or fitness magazines and you will find the same exact information.  Open your eyes and look around you at school or at work and it’s there.  If you want to use something as thinspo, you will, regardless of how anyone else sees that object or person.

We need to have open discussions with individuals in these groups.  We need to know what needs are being met in pro-ana communities.  Until we understand these things, we can’t meet those needs in healthier ways.  And if deny ourselves the opportunity to learn about these communities, we deny a significant number of people the opportunity to heal.

So there it is.  Lay it on me, folks.  Politely, please.

There’s pro-ana, there’s anti-ana, and now there’s post-pro-ana.

The lines dividing anti and pro-ana groups are clear-cut, but where exactly does post-pro-ana fit in? What exactly does post-pro-ana even mean??

I recently came across the website webiteback.com. This site calls itself a post-pro-ana site. The site provides an online community and support network for those who are struggling with eating disorders. This sort of community and support is a large part of why pro-ana sites are so popular.

The main difference between webiteback and pro-ana sites is that webiteback is recovery oriented. It is a network of support for recovery, as opposed to support of the disorder itself.

The following is a promo video for webiteback:

This video can also be found on their homepage.

Webiteback is trying to reach out to people who feel alienated, people who miss the social network of people who can be found on pro-ana site. A network of people who understand their disorder. They have a facebook page to reach even more people.

It seems as though this is the only post-pro-ana site out there right now.

In the site’s FAQ question they answered some important questions about what their site’s purpose is, and why they call themselves post-proana (The following passage is taken directly from their FAQ section.)

What is post-proana?

Post-proana is an online subculture made up of people actively working to decrease disordered eating habits. Recognizing that proana communities provided teens and adults alike with an appreciated supportive environment, we have created a community that provides support without encouraging anorexic or bulimic behavior patterns. When the mirror lies, each person must learn to rely on the eyes of those who care about us. Those eyes are reading these pages. Working together as a team, we are overcoming our eating disorders together. Successfully.

Are you an anti-pro-ana site?

Complicated answer: We are all for free speech regarding eating disorders, but we are against the creation of communities with a blatant purpose of normalizing the self-harm. Disclaimers on proana sites do not spare their site creators from moral responsibility. We urge proana site owners to at least acknowledge the sway each owner holds over crowds of well-meaning people who want to lose weight for various misplaced reasons. Readers will copy what they read. We are anti-spreading-negative-behavioral-patterns-as-a-sustainable-lifestyle.

Why not call yourselves anti-ana or anti-proana then?

If you create a self identity based on a negative first thought, it can be easy to put off self-healing by pursuing a witch hunt of those currently dealing with eating disorders.

We are letting go of the need to create a boogeyman out of people who suffer from disordered eating, and instead learning to accept ourselves as we are, as we discover that a lot of negative opinions we had of ourselves just weren’t true.

Webiteback.com fills that large void between the supportive community of people who share a disorder, and recovery. It is a progressive site with a community of recovering and recovered people.

I hope it is a sign of things to come.

“How is it that the same problems regurgitate themselves into my life over and over again? Even when the faces change, the ‘cast’ changes, I find myself at the same crossroads I’ve been at a dozen times. I feel so lonely. I feel so ugly. So overweight. So undesired. So frustrated. So angry. So stupid. I feel like my voice is lost at sea. Am I whispering and the one who I want to hear me just can’t because I’m too quiet? Or is it like it’s always felt; that I am screaming my wants and needs but the calls go unanswered because they don’t have to be.”

It’s been a hard few days… I call them “fat days”, but my specialist hates that. Yesterday was horrible tho.

I woke up feeling pretty bad. I’m not going to go into too many details of my day.. Today is actually a decent day&I don’t want it ruined. But, basicly, I felt soo gross. My outfit consisted of baggy sweatpants and a sweater. I had to go to my appointment, if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have left the house. Anyways, he weighs me. I’ve gained, ofcourse. I’m at 124lbs now.. ugh… gross… But, he did tell me he was very roud of me for no purging and three meals a day (okay, well, usualy it was only two, but I did have 3meals a day more often than I usually do)
We did some more blah blah, then I left.
Once I got home however.. My auntie started telling me how she’s worried about me because she never sees me eat&that I’ve changed.. I’ve cut communicatin from her&whenever she tries to talk to me I get real defensive. I already felt like crap,&just learnt that I gained weight. I had a midterm to study for.. I was not in the moodl.. Well, I DID get real defensive. The whole “It’s not YOU I don’t trust’s your ED” came back.. I HATE it when people tell me that. I am NOT two people. I am ME. If I can learn to accept myself as having an ED, and accepting that this is who I AM, well why the fuck can’you??? I get VERY insulted. They have no reason to not trust me. I’ve been doing SO good!! I havn’t purged in over 2months. I’ve been eating., I’ve been keeping my weight in check. And EVERY time my ED comes back to take over, I beat it at it’s game..no matter how much I don’t want to. And they don’t trust ME? Or even worse, they trust ME but not my ED. WTF is that???? I AM ME! My ED is part of my past my present and it WILL be in my future. Like, no matter how much I get better, I’ll always not be trusted?? Ugh,.

Whatever. There’s not a single person I’ve told this to who agrees with me. But I don’t care. It’s how I FEEL. It has meaning. Just cause nobody else feels like this doesn’t mean I’m WRONG or that my feelings mean ANY less.

We argue about this all the time.

Ugh. I’m angry now. Well, there’s a lot more to say about yesterday, but I’ve got a midterm to writ ein 2hrs&I’ve gotta get to my class.

Keep your heads up

Amandah

PS: FOUR days and I’m EIGHTEEN!! WOOOOH!

<

Sorry for another boring “woe is me” post. Intake has been low lately (not complaining) as I’m preparing for exams and trying to keep my house clean before it’s invaded for Thanksgiving dinner by my family. How did I end up in charge of preparing this HUGE dinner? Oh well, at least I’ll be working in the kitchen all day. Maybe I’ll burn enough calories to actually enjoy a small portion of the meal. Who am I kidding? I never enjoy food anymore. If I can just make it until then… Back to working out today. Schlepped my workout gear to work and school today so I’m definitely committed. Let you know how it goes!

I see no point in writing down what I eat and when now. I have better stuff to spend time on anyway. Like school for example, which has gone quite good lately. I’m catching up with stuff and I worry less. I worry less about weed and money too. I’m not going to deny that I have smoked at least two joints/day for the past three weeks or something, but everything is simply going better so… so what?

And it’s fucking great that I had a wicked long mia-period with constant binges and didn’t even gain a pound. Well, I didn’t lose either, but this means that I finally stabilized my weight. Of course, if the mia-period would have been just a few days longer I would probably have gained. But that’s not it, all the energy I got from the mia-period was incredible. Without it I wouldn’t have kept up with school. I even socialized a lot! And FYI I didn’t have problems with sex. Normally that’s too mentally demanding for me.

To the point! I was down to 116.62 lbs this morning, but since I had more food today than I was planning to I don’t think I have lost anything til tomorrow. No problem, wasn’t that much.

I have spent time on skating, street art, filthy dubstep, quality time with friends and I have never ever felt more than myself. I just know myself now, that’s important.

A complement makes so much difference. Met some local graffiti artists at a friend’s place and they were all like “hey I’ve seen your shit, you’re good” and “never quit graffiti, it’s totally your thing, you’ve got it in your blood”. And those words are WICKED SICK to hear what I haven’t even put a single throw up or piece outdoors ever. Apparently people have shown around my graffiti blog. Great success! I have waited all my life to find my type of art. Can you believe that?

Ok. Enough with my euphoric shit and stay strong. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Too high to proofread. Fuck, I just realized; that kinda applies to all of my posts I ever posted here.

Sophy.

that’s a quote from Coco Avant Chanel (well… maybe not 100% accurate, but you get the gist), which i had the pleasure of seeing.

seriously, if you like fashion and/ or audrey tautou, SEE IT!!!

anyway, the reason why i titled this post with that quote is that i just got my hair cut. ALOT. i’m talking nine inches of thick auburn (i wonder how many pounds i lost… ). what used to hit my lower back doesn’t even reach my breasts and it feels REALLY weird.

but i think i like it.

anyway… since we’re on the subject of Coco Chanel, how about some stills from the movie?

^^^ my favorite picture

^^^ another favorite

apparently, audrey’s next film comes out next year. *sigh* so long to wait….

So I’m at 117.51 lbs. It’s exactly where I left for mia.

I need to be at 110 lbs next Saturday. It’s 1 pound / day from now on. I’ve been doing good the last days so I’m positive.

Can’t believe I had this blog for 48 days now and only lost 8.15 pound… Well, I have been slacking a lot lately. Fuckup.

Sophy.

Today is a fat day.
I felt it coming on since last night. I always know before hand when a day like this is about to come.
Sometimes, it lasts a day. Then I’m back into recovery mode.
Sometimes, it lasts longer.&I actually manage to loose weight.
Not yet, has it lasted to the point of hostpitalization again.
I guess that’s a good thing.
Good thing, because I have a lot of responsibilities (School, work [once i get a job again fuck], people, making people proud)
You know, the basics.
Bad, because, well I am fat.
I was up until 4am last night.
Doing a ritual I havn’t done since recovery.. because it’s a huge trigger.
Proana sites. Lots and lots of thinspo and bloggers and rituals and ugh, you know.
I’ve been on campus since 830, it’s about 11am , havn’t eaten anything, don’t plan on it.
I’ve got class until 530pm, then I’m going for coffee w/ J.
1 coffee. That will be my intake today.
I know I can do this, I’ve done it a million times before.
I hate fat days.
I had to ravage my closet today for something decent to wear. “skinny” clothes.
Something to make me feel better.
Anything.
Jeans were obviously OUT of the question, especially my skinny jeans.
I wanted to wear heels, they make my legs look thinner.
Nothing over size three. Nothing baggy. Nothing too tight. No comfy clothes, they tend to make you look heavier. No light colours. No. Not that. Not that either..
My head hurt.
I finaly decided on black tights, jean shorts (they’re size 1 and not too tight, so, I gave in), and gray tank and my gray cartigan. With my brown heeled boots.
I know it’s winter lol.
It’s not that cold.
I’ve got my winter jacket&my gloves anyways.

I havn’t been going to psychoeducation.
I probably should.
I will.
But I don’t want to.
It’s stupid.

Appointment w/ my specialist Monday.
I had lost 4lbs last time I seen him.
Oh, he’ll be sojoyous to see how fat I’ve gotten.

Negative self-talk isin’t good.
I don’t mean to, I’m just disgusted.

My uncle tried to kill himself last night.
Pills&Vodka&wrists.
Brought back memories.
When my auntie told me, I literally felt the pills go down my throat.
It was disgusting.
He’s in good hands.
My other uncle brought him to emerg.
He’s admitted&will be getting a psych. evaluation sometime today.

I’m not depressed.
Thank god.
I’m actually pretty happy.
The best thing I ever did was move out of Sudbury.

When I went to visit this past weekend, people were telling me how happy and good I looked, that apparently, I radiated.

Mehh. Whatever.
I still didin’t look skinny.

I’ve still got 30minutes before my Politics class..
I could stay and rant some more, but, I think this is enough fat talk for one day.
There’s still a lot of day left, you guys might be lucky&get another (hopefully positive) post tonight

Amandah