Please read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 for context. Thank you.

Family system roles — assigned and designed to contain unresolved conflict and family secrets — add stress and anxiety to family interactions. This stress seems to be exacerbated during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. What may have remained dormant for much of the year now emerges to trigger memories of abusive behavior. To compound or add to the stress of interacting with families is the excessive use of alcohol and /or other mind altering substances.

Abuse of alcohol and other mind altering substances exacerbate the stress and anxiety of family interactions.

What may have been denied as a concern — a family member’s drinking and drugging — comes center stage as family members interact. What was meant to be a joyous time — during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years — instead becomes a chaotic, crazy-making and walking on eggs shells experience. As the family system roles interact — as family members interact — blame and shame are passed around like a “hot potato” because no one in the family knows how to talk, trust or feel.

Because of the three unspoken family rules — Don’t talk, Don’t trust and Don’t feel – family members are led to believe they have no other choice but to endure family interactions during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Because of the three unspoken family rules family member are left feeling isolated, alienated and confused. Because of the three unspoken family rules hope for family intimacy — during the holiday season — is thrashed on the rocks or denial, disappointment and disillusionment.

Because of the three unspoken family rules trust is thrust again and again on the rocks of denial, disappointment and disillusionment. Because of the three unspoken family system rules family members do not know how to talk, trust or feel. For further explanation please read Traumatic Brain Injury and Vines.

The good news is that families do not have to suffer in silence. Although alcoholism and drug addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful family members can reach out for help. Isolation, alienation or confusion can be traded for hope. Each member of the family can attend Alanon and Alateen support group meetings. Alanon and Alateen meeting are for individuals who have been affected by another persons drinking or drugging — in a relative or friend. For support please read Traumatic Brain Injury and Support

The good news is that you no longer have to be alone to suffer in silence. The good news is that you can choose to reach out beyond your own best thinking.

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Hello and welcome back to Second Chance to Live. I am happy to see that you decided to stop by to visit with me. Today is Thanksgiving and I wanted to thank you for being a part of my journey. I am honored by your presence. Thank you for being who you are my friend.

My Mom recently sent me an email that has been a tremendous blessing to me. In the email, I was encouraged to watch a short inspirational movie. I am so glad that I took the time to watch the movie. Consequently, I would encourage you to take a few minutes to watch this short movie — because you make a difference in my life.

After you have watched the movie — as I was encouraged — I encourage you to share the movie with the people who make a difference in your life.

The movie was created by Mary Robinson Reynolds and her husband Craig. Thank you Mary and Craig. You both make a difference in my life.

The link to their movie is here.

Never underestimate the power of kindness.

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All material presented on Second Chance to Live is copyright and cannot be copied, reproduced, or distributed in any way without the express, written consent of Craig J. Phillips, MRC, BA

Perhaps I should back up a tiny bit before I go full out with this blog and tell you a little about who I am.

From left to right; Brian, Justine, Melodie, Travis and David

My name is Janet Ford. I am a 40 yr old woman living in Northern Michigan. I have been happily married to John for 13 yrs and the mother of three wonderful sons; Travis (22), David (20) and Brian (18). I am also a grandma to McKenna, who is fast approaching her first birthday.

Along with my husband,  I raise and train coonhounds under the kennel name of Ironwood Coonhounds. I am the National Coonhound Examiner.  I am also an author and freelance writer for other online publications.  My largest writing portfolio can be found on ehow.com.

My Health

My journey to bariatric surgery is not for vanity. I have no delusions of reliving my days as a varsity cheerleader or having the body of a 20 yr old. I am choosing this path in my life because I want to live … and I want to be alive while I’m doing it.

• Severe GERD
• Severe Sleep Apnea (life threatening)
• Foot and Back pain which I’m on prescription pain killers for
• High Cholesterol
• Mitral Valve Prolapse
• Migrains
• Insulin Resistant
• Severe PTSD

I’m being taken under.

I can’t move, I can’t breathe.

I think of the past glories and conquests

A life that was once lived and now forever lost.

I wish for death but only receive eternal suffocation.

There’s no solace or respite, only sorrow and hatred.

Here’s a list of some things to be aware of during your recovery… 

1. Apprehension about well-being (the ‘fear’ of being well)
2. Denial
3. Adamant committment to wellness (“If I miss even one session/meeting, I will lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.)
4. Compulsive attempts to impose wellness on others
5. Defensiveness
6. Compulsive behaviors (destructive ones)
7. Impulsive behaviors (destructive ones)
8. Feeling a general loneliness
9. Tunnel vision (ignoring other things that are important in life other than just your recovery)
10. Minor depression (if you are doing the right things in your recovery, you should be feeling better, right? maybe time to reassess…)
11. Loss of constructive planning (have you become unorganized, or feel like you can just wing it?)
12. Plans begin to fail
13. Idle daydreaming and wishful thinking (even if that one thing were to happen, everything else will NOT just fall into place – that’s a reality)
14. Feeling that nothing can be solved
15. Immature wish to be happy (magic wand, love spells, etc)
16. Periods of confusion
17. Irritation with friends (with unhealthy friends this is normal, but this means the healthy ones)
18. Easily angered
19. Irregular eating habits
20. Listlessness
21. Irregular sleeping habits
22. Progressive loss of daily structure (an organized, easy to follow,  daily to-do list can be a person’s greatest asset in staying healthy)
23. Progressive loss of daily structure (day by day you seem to be slipping, even just the little things)
24. Irregular attendance at treatment meetings, appointments, the gym, support groups, etc… (message boards, support groups, and/or things you did while still sick with people who were just as sick as you were are normal to let go of once you are moving forward and find different, healthier peers)
25. Developing a “I don’t care” or “Whatever” attitude
26. Openly reject help
27. dissatisfaction with life
28. Feelings of powerlessness and helplessness
29. Self Pity
30. Wishful thought of relapse
31. Conscious lying
32. Complete loss of self-confidence
33. Unreasonable resentments
34. Discontinuing all treatment
35. Overwhelming loneliness, frustration, anger, tension, anxiety, etc…
36. Start of controlled relapse behaviors (minor self-harm that you justify as not being as bad as before, developing a ‘just this once’ attitude, etc…)

It’s normal to have bad days, everyone does. But, if they happen more and more, then it’s a good idea to take a moment to think… ”Are these the behaviors and actions I’ve seen happen with me in the past right before things got bad?”

If they are, ask for help NOW. You won’t disappoint anyone. And, it does not mean that it will get bad. By getting help now, you may be able to avoid a relapse all together.

Check out your Relapse Prevention or Discharge Plan and see how you are doing. If you don’t have one, check out the post titled ”The Anti-Relapse Plan, Man”. Take a moment or two and print it out – keeping this information handy is very helpful when you are too stressed to “think”.   

It’s never too late to check’ty check y’self! :0)

I was actually trying not to get worked up–and to keep any crankiness to myself–today. But, Thanksgiving is pretty fraught as hoked-up celebrations go. For some of us, it may as well be called “Historical Trauma Day”–if not “Thanks For Not Killing Us All Day”, as archanglrobriel called it on LJ a few years ago! “Let’s Pretend We’re Not (Still) In The Grip of Wétiko Psychosis Day” would also be appropriate, if not very catchy.

In that spirit, I feel compelled to offer some links. Thanksgiving: a myth-debunking, record-straightening roundup offers a good overview of the historical reality behind the politically convenient mythology.

So, we find out that Powhatan’s people kept feeding the Jamestown crew to keep them alive (not to mention that, indeed, women were chiefs). That settlement would not have survived at all, were it not for local Native help. A lot of the people the Virginia Company sent starting out didn’t even know how to fish or grow food at all, and had to be shown. They even needed help building houses, apparently; thus the same construction materials the locals were using. The site was uninhabited for good reason, and a lot of people died from drinking bad water, not knowing any better. I saw something on PBS a few years back, about some shocking new discoveries about how much practical help they did get, and how many of the initial group married locals–really amazing, since they were mostly young men! Marriage into a matrilineal society (with plenty of food!) was a major reason so many of them went to live with the Natives, hardly the only time or place this has happened under colonialism. A lot of the feast mythology was based on Powhatan Federation people repeatedly pulling English chestnuts out of the fire. I already knew all of this, but it’s hardly common knowledge in the U.S., for good reason.

The area I’m from got multiple waves of coastal refugees, including Powhatan Federation people (Renape), Meherrin, Delaware (Lenape), and escaped slaves of all descriptions (including Irish and Highland Scots). Thus did my family. It’s hard to forget.

Karen Ordahl Kupperman has written an excellent piece: Indians and English Meet on the James, about each group’s attitudes going in. Often overlooked/obfuscated points: this was not the first time the Pamunkeys and related nations had dealt with Europeans around the Chesapeake, and the English saw the Natives as “accomplished people living in highly developed societies. It was the Indians’ accomplishments that made colonization feasible in English eyes…Moreover, the advanced nature of Indian societies was the best indicator of the land’s potential.” The “primitive” slur came in much later, as justification for grabbing other people’s stuff. As for Renape experience:

For almost a century ships had been in and out of Chesapeake Bay. One had taken a young Pamunkey man with them and this man, baptized as Don Luís de Velasco, had spent a decade with Dominicans in Spain, Havana, and Mexico City before he returned to the James River in the company of Jesuit missionaries in 1571. The mission, which posed a fundamental threat to Pamunkey culture, was soon destroyed and Don Luís returned to his own people. Through his lore the Pamunkeys acquired detailed knowledge of Europeans and their capacities.

So, with all the emphasis on the Plymouth Bay Colony (Massachusetts) in modern Thanksgiving mythology, what really happened there? Daniel N. Paul* shows us some history in his The Real Thanksgiving; the whole thing is worth reading. Hmm, separatist Puritans relied on God to provide, and it happened: through Native compassion, and however gadugi is expressed in Wampanoag. Paul’s page describes nicely how this help was returned: “Once the European settlements stabilized, the whites turned on their hosts in a brutal way.” The differences between approaches to warfare (“internal policing” is a good description on the Native side) are also instructive. The Native version, though the specifics were different, bore more resemblance to Highland cattle raiding; “Indian ‘wars’ were largely symbolic and were about honor, not about territory or extermination.”

Bit of a pattern developing here. It does, indeed, seem to have been a common one, with lots of “feasts” involved wherever a colony was started. Mitchell Cohen wrote something good about this, starting with Columbus.

I tracked down one rather illustrative piece I’d seen before, What are the Underlying Values of Haudenosaunee Culture?. Note that, in the “ethics” section, “To feed others” is listed separately from “To be hospitable,” “To be generous,” and “To share”.** The fact that all of these ideas are individually emphasized might give you a pretty good idea of their cultural importance. This doesn’t just come from the Haudenosaunee; these are all values stressed in my own upbringing.

Living in a house with just Nigel and the animals, immersed in a very different culture, with not a lot of other people likely to stop by, I still consistently cook more than we need. It would be a shame if we did not have enough to feed anybody who should happen by. That’s OK; the extra is rarely wasted, but gets eaten as leftovers and/or dog food. It’s worth it.

This cluster of cultural messages is very strong. On an individual level, my attitudes have been taken advantage of by people from different cultural backgrounds. (Not to mention expectations of politeness, however strained.) This has also played out multiple times within my family. Elizabeth Moon’s fiction actually helped me understand how this difference in approach to giving and taking works in a lot of cases, as I described in the last few paragraphs of this economic post. The assumed power dynamics involved are still very different between cultures. Experiences living in the U.K. have also illustrated this point.

Still, I have to consider living correctly by own standards to be far more important than the fact that some louts are inclined to take advantage of this. I’ve also had to learn to temper this with recognition that, past a certain point, people forfeit any right to the politeness and generosity they insist on misinterpreting as chumphood. They still deserve compassion, but you do not have to carry a snake down the mountain in your shirt.

It ’s a good thing in multiple ways that I’m no longer concerned about sending whatever punk cred I may once have had up in flames, by mentioning Billy Ray Cyrus twice in as many weeks. (Though a lot of my earlier embarrassment there came straight from carefully inculcated internalized racism.) Considering the continuing clash of cultural values, I can’t help but think of his “Trail of Tears”:

Too many times you walked away
And was made to feel ashamed
And though you only tried to give
You were often blamed

Yeah, some themes are still very much with some of us after 400+ years. The personal is very political indeed.

Another point I’ve been thinking about a lot today is the anger factor. Again, I try hard to temper it with compassion–in the interests of duyukta–but a lot of people would still consider me unreasonably angry and shrill about things that happened centuries ago. That’s privilege for you, and it’s hard not to see how some of the same crap continues if you don’t have that privilege. I guess it’s more internalized BS that keeps nagging at me that maybe I’m being unreasonable even thinking about these things.

Daniel Paul put it nicely, in one newspaper piece:

I’ve been asked so many times, by non-First Nations people, about the cause of the high rate of suicides, violent crimes, alcoholism, drug abuse and so on within First Nation communities that I couldn’t put a number on the times asked if I tried. My response to these queries has more often than not been, “you figure it out then give me your views.”

In order to help them figure it out, I spent over four years of my life writing a book called We were Not the Savages. I wrote this book for people to use as a tool to help in their efforts to understand. Yet I still get asked the same questions. And, interestingly enough, not more than a handful of the people who tried to come up with an explanation were even in the same ballpark as the answer.

Well today I will try to provide an answer. What has caused and continues to cause children in such places as Davis Inlet to overdose on drugs and substances, the suicides at Big Cove and other reserves too numerous to mention here, the alcoholism, drug dependency, and so on, among our people is quite simple. Try the after-effects of centuries of unmitigated racist persecution for an answer. . .

The trauma you experience by being subjected to racist persecution practically destroys your self-esteem. To overcome the experience of being brainwashed by a foreign society into believing that you are descended from an inferior civilization, peopled by inferior human beings, is nearly impossible. I can vouch for this personally; its been a struggle of mine for more than half a century.

Historical/multigenerational trauma is very real. I am working hard “[t]o overcome the experience of being brainwashed by a foreign society into believing that you are descended from an inferior civilization, peopled by inferior human beings” (in a dubious “New World”, to boot). Learning helps you deal with it. That’s part of the “truth” sense of duyukta helping bring you to the “harmony and balance” and “dignity and honor” senses; most of us could use more of all the above!

Edit: I was about to completely forget the bizarre nature of setting aside one day of the year specifically for giving thanks. To quote Tecumseh:

When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.

That’s every single minute of every single day.

Also, from the Haudenosaunee values piece linked to earlier, “People should be thankful everyday.” It seems simple to me, but obviously not to everyone.

_________

* I have spent some time on (Mi’kmaq) Daniel N. Paul’s website before, and would like to pick up his book at some point. Chilling stuff, bearing an uncanny similarity to what happened further south. The same people were even involved, in some cases; e.g., the Cornwallis family.

** And a lot of them are ways of trying to wrap English around the northern Iroquoian version of gadugi. Another linguistic insight I’ve had? English concepts of “generosity” and “hospitality” map about as well as “charity” onto the values we’re trying to express here. The English versions imply some alien things about power.

To honor U.S. military personnel and increase community morale, Xerox Corporation has created Let’s Say Thanks, a national program designed to deliver millions of cards to servicemen and women overseas with messages of support from home.

On June 26, 2006, Xerox launched the Web site www.LetsSayThanks.com to allow the public to send personal messages to support the men and women stationed overseas. The messages are sent on postcards designed by children from across the country.

The postcards, depicting patriotic scenes and hometown images, were selected from a pool of entries from children across the country.

Local Veterans of Foreign Wars Junior Vice Commander Gene Tucker recounted how he felt when receiving word from home while serving overseas.

“During the Viet Nam War I remember receiving books and care packages from children all across the United State. It was an amazing and heartfelt experience,” Tucker said. “The books meant a lot to me because I’m a veracious reader but what really struck home with me was homemade sweets. To think people would spend their time and money to make and send me and my compatriots something good to eat was wonderful.”

Tucker served as Post 8874 commander from 1998 until he stepped down in 2008.

“I suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and had to remove myself. You can only serve so long and ask others to do so much unless you can do it yourself and I reached a point where I could not any longer,” Tucker said. “So I’m doing what I can now and I’m working with young soldiers returning from war.”

Read the full story in Friday’s Los Alamos Monitor.

Here are some of the more interesting short news pieces in the field from the last few days.  If our international readers would like to add details, it would be greatly appreciated!

Argentina

Crean centro de asistencia a víctimas del terrorismo de Estado | Crean victims assistance center of state terrorism

El Ministerio de Justicia, Seguridad y Derechos Humanos creó el Centro de Asistencia a Víctimas del Terrorismo de Estado “Dr. Fernando Ulloa”, cuyo objetivo es “la asistencia psicológica, orientación y derivación de los afectados y/o sus familiares por las graves violaciones a los derechos humanos”.

(Google Translation) The Ministry of Justice, Security and Human Rights established the Center for Victims of State Terrorism “Dr. Fernando Ulloa”, whose goal is “psychological assistance, guidance and referral for those affected and / or their families about the serious violations human rights”.

European Union

Czech Republic Human Rights Minister wants to tackle domestic violence

Some 10,000 people have sought help in connection with domestic violence in the Czech Republic this year, and at least 92 percent of victims have been women, Human Rights Minister Michael Kocab said yesterday, adding his office is preparing a national plan to prevent domestic violence.The plan should help not only the victims but also children from the families where domestic violence occurs.

Moreover, the ministry would like to support non-profit organisation helping domestic violence victims, Kocab said yesterday…

France to ban ‘psychological violence’ in marriage

France is to pass a law banning “psychological violence within the couple” and study the idea of tagging violent partners to prevent them stalking their victims, the government said Wednesday.

Prime Minister Francois Fillon announced the measures in a speech to mark the United Nations’ tenth International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, promising legislation in the first half of nest year….

Poland, Spain want EU help for crime victims

Poland and Spain have begun a drive to create EU-wide protection for victims of crimes such as sexual abuse and trafficking, Polish Justice Minister Krzysztof Kwiatkowski was quoted as saying Thursday.”We want national justice rulings to be applicable across the territory of the European Union, and not just in the country concerned,” Kwiatkowski told the Polish daily Rzeczpospolita.

As it stands, victims of sexual abuse and human trafficking only get legal protection in the country where the perpetrators of the crime have been found guilty.

If they move to another EU member state, the victims therefore face the spectre of cross-border revenge — and starting a new legal process.

UK betrays Mumbai victims (Commentary)
I try to report news, not to comment on it. But watching Will, now 29, and his partner Kelly Doyle on television this morning, full of dignity, with not a shred of bitterness, it was impossible not to feel real anger at how they – and the dozens of other British citizens injured or killed in overseas terror attacks since 9/11 – have been abandoned and betrayed.

The nub of the issue is straightforward. There is a loophole in Britain’s compensation laws. Britons targeted by terrorism do get compensation from the government – but not if they fall victim overseas…

Israel

New plan to aid crime victims excludes domestic violence cases

This week saw other significant tidings for the families of the murdered women: The government approved a program to help families of murder victims cope and get on with their lives. However, this plan will not help those who were merely physically or sexually abused, rather than killed. They will still need to cope all by themselves. Nor will the program help most past victims; it applies only to future victims.

Nigeria

Rights Activist Decries Sexual Abuse

A human rights activist and social crusader, Mrs. Olushola Akai, has frowned at the rampant cases of sexual abuse against the youths in the present-day society

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I’m not at all sure why I feel safer on the planet knowing the Dali Lama is here, but I do.  The following links are to information related to the conference presentation to the Dali Lama about the effects of maternal distress behaviors on her offspring – just a little T-Day light reading!

This is the gist of science told the Dali Lama:

If a distressed mother rat raises all her own babies, they will all turn out distressed.

If a calm mother rat raises all her own babies, they will all turn out calm.

If you change the litters at birth, and give the calm mother’s babies to the distressed mother, all those babies will grow up distressed.

If you take the distressed mother’s babies at birth and give them to the calm mother, the babies will all grow up calm.

In essence, the distressed mother’s treatment of her babies triggers epigenetic changes in the way the babies she raises turn out because their genes are triggered differently by the distress.

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Pity the Poor Lab Rat by Kathy Brown

“…in spite of all our advances in knowledge about mental disorders and the advances in technology that have resulted in an impressive smorgasbord of pharmaceutical agents, the overall prevalence of depression is increasing at an alarming rate. Moreover, the average age at onset continues to drop. Whereas patients once presented with their initial depressive episode in their fifth decade of life, the average age of onset has now dropped into the twenties.”

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Mom, Dad, DNA and Suicide by Sharon Begley

“Such changes are called “epigenetic,” to distinguish them from changes that affect the sequence of nucleotides in DNA. Epigenetics is arguably the next frontier in genetic research, promising to show why people with identical DNA, such as monozygotic twins, have different traits, including traits known to be strongly affected by genes. The answer seems to be that the events of our lives, including parental behavior, turns some genes on and some genes off. In this case, parental care (or, specifically, abuse) changed the expression of the crucial glucocorticoid-receptor gene in the brain.”

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Abuse changes brains of suicide victims

“Suicide victims who were abused as children have clear genetic changes in their brains…”

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While the new research on neuroplasticity in the brain is important, those of us whose body and brain were changed as a result of severe early child abuse, again, may not be in the realm of ‘ordinary’ when it comes to the changes we can expect in our brains compared to others…..

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Buddhism – A meeting of minds by Swati Chopra

“At the 12th mind and life conference in dharamshala, buddhism and modern science found points of convergence as the dalai lama and western scientists spoke about neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to change with experience and focused training.”

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2004: Neuroplasticity: The Neuronal Substrates of Learning
and Transformation — a 2004 conference that got neuroscientists together with the Dalai Lama

Download MLXII: Neuroplasticity Brochure PDF

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Can Our Minds Change Our Brains?

Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain: How a New Science Reveals Our Extraordinary Potential to Transform Ourselves By Sharon Begley

“At the Dalai Lama’s private compound in Dharamsala, India, leading neuroscientists and Buddhist philosophers met to consider “neuroplasticity.”  The conference was organized by the Mind and Life Institute as part of a series of meetings, beginning in 1987, for brain researchers and Buddhist scholars to share insights into the workings of the mind and brain. The 2004 meeting set out to answer two questions: “Does the brain have the ability to change, and what is the power of the mind to change it?””

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Child Abuse Causes Lifelong Changes To DNA Expression And Brain.

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Mechanisms underlying epigenetic effects of early social experience

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Epigenetics. Child abuse alters genes.

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What role might epigenetics have in shaping a person’s development?

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Please feel free to comment directly at the end of this post or on +

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Your Page – Readers’ Responses

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Resource Guide

In World War II, they called it combat fatigue or shell shock. During the Vietnam war, they called it post-Vietnam syndrome (as if it had never existed before Vietnam). Now, it is called PTSD and the military is trying to do something about it. Researchers are testing soldiers to see if they can learn who will be more affected by traumatic events.  The ongoing wars have provided scientists with opportnuites to learn more. 

Here’s a link to a piece by Alicia Chang, Associated Press: http://health.yahoo.com/news/ap/us_med_predicting_ptsd.html

I’ve not updated my blog much lately. I went through a break-up of sorts and didn’t really want to put the details out in the blog-o-sphere out of respect for both the situation and the woman with whom I was in the short-lived relationship. She is a very kind and beautiful woman, but the situation wasn’t a good fit for me. And ultimately, I realized that my marriage was where I want to direct all of my relationship energy. I didn’t enjoy the ups and downs of dating again, and I realized that I had what I wanted right in front of me. Yes, he has boy parts, but I love him and I don’t need random sex with random people. I just don’t.

I’ve also been working very hard at my therapy. As my last post intoned (rather “screamed”), I’m chin deep in childhood issues. Ironically, I was set to begin my first round of intensive exposure therapy next week and the topic du jour was going to be my step mom. Being the ever-suffering woman that she was she must have intuited my emotional progress and decided that it was time to step up my therapy game. So she died.

If I sound a little narcissistic right now, it might be because I’ve been rapidly studying Borderline Personality Disorders to better understand my step mom.

This revelation, that she was probably BP, came from my therapist and I am in shock of how accurate the diagnosis is. IN SHOCK. I read this scientific article, which was like a detailed description of my childhood, replete with constant verbal abuse; emotional blackmail and manipulation; happy one second, screaming the next, craziness… I can recall this woman, towering six feet tall to my cowering 5 feet, berating me, telling me that I was crazy, useless, unlovable, a bitch. I remember, in vivid detail, the silent treatment for weeks on end with no explanation. Her kicking down my bedroom door because I missed a spot when cleaning the bathroom. Her smacking me in the face for something that I wrote in my diary about her. Her tearing up the only wedding picture that I had of my parents and then denying that it ever happened. Telling me that I was delusional for thinking that she had done that. That I’m literally crazy for making up such a story. That I must have something to hide with such crazy stories. That I had a guilty conscious because I did something wrong.

She built walls between me and everyone else. I was not able to speak to my father, even though we lived in the same house. I was punished for enjoying time with my brother. I was given the silent treatment when I returned home from visitations with my mother. I was cut off from my father’s side of the family. Humiliated in front of them at family functions, but denied access to them outside of such functions. Our phone was on lockdown and I could use it for 10-minute increments and no calls after 8 pm. I was not allowed to have friends over or to visit at friend’s homes. I was not able to participate in after school activities. I was to be home immediately after school and in my bedroom as soon as got home. I was in prison. Until I was kicked out on my 18th birthday.

Where was my father during all of this? Another revelation. I think that my father had Asperger’s syndrome. He shut down completely. He couldn’t fight her. He couldn’t stand up to her. He simply retreated within himself. She broke him and he gave up. Then, in 2001, he killed himself.

Next week I am going to relive some of the highlights of this time under her “care”. How apropos, since I’ll be getting on a plane just a few days later, headed towards the home where so many people were destroyed. I’ll pack it up, tag it for sale, and open the doors for strangers to come in and take the remnants away. I will be the one who removes the last vestiges of the lives that buckled under the weight of mental illness. Where once I had no power, I will ultimately decide the fate of what was left behind. Small consolation. I wish that we could go back to the beginning and start all over again.

Unappreciated . . . Unwanted . . . Unloved . . .

The child in me cries every time those emotions erupt. They come too often for me to ignore, and I finally meditated and traced my ”anger” to its source and saw a truth: I felt unappreciated, unwanted and unloved when the latest PTSD  explosion occurred. And maybe now, after looking within and seeing how  those feelings may have surfaced, I can cope with them better .

From what I learned, my mother nearly died during my child-birth. The baby Michael was shipped off to a “farm” in Mays Landing, New Jersey, where the grandmother raised the infant.

The boy’s father had been quoted as saying he would have preferred to see the son dead, and not see the pain such a birth caused his wife.

Could any of this have been absorbed by an infant, and more importantly, could those long suppressed feelings affect the man in middle age? Could they have contributed to events experienced in Vietnam and now mingle with fears, anxieties and a sense of loss I feel? 

That’s my struggle with PTSD. I learn more  about myself every day. Like today, I stopped at an “outlet” bread store for rolls. Picked up a dozen in a bag  and walked to the counter. An older man was standing there, waiting for an order he made the day before. The young man, behind the counter, appeared rushed. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and the store was crowded, even before noon.

I placed my bag on the empty counter, hoping that I could quickly pay and get out to complete some other chore. But the young man did not look at me. He simply said to “wait a second” when I moved my bag closer to his line of vision. No luck in getting quick service here.

The clerk left the counter. Returned and said something beneath his breath, only to leave the sales area a second time for the bakery in back. Other customers had walked up behind me with multiple bags of breads, rolls, pies and what not.

When the clerk returned, he lay two big boxes on the counter. I had to remove my bag and place it behind the cash register. The older man paid for his goods and had trouble getting them out of the door some eight feet away.

“Here, let me help you,” I said, opening and holding the door for him to get by. I felt good to have provided him service. But when I returned to the register, the couple that were behind me were now being waited upon. Their order seemed to go on and on.

My patience, however, did  not!

“A good deed never goes unpunished,” I said, loud enough for the cashier to hear me. Either he did not, or worse, he ignored me. The woman in line, however, did hear and offered an apology. “I’m not mad at you,”  I said to her and the man accompanying her.

“I mad at this asshole,” I barked, my anger rising  as I still was unable to get the sombitch attention. He continued to look toward the register, ignoring my challenge to his lack of courtesy.

As the man and woman looked at me, I knew I had done wrong. “I’m sorry,” I said, and added . “I have PTSD,” as if that could explain my rude behavior. I threw the bag of rolls to the floor and walked out of the store, blowing all other chores I had intended to complete.

“God, why am I  hyper-alert, hyper sensitive?” I asked. Please make me calm, mellow. Just don’t make death the only way for me to find that peace.

So my roundtable project for Government used to be on human trafficking. Then, since I realized you can’t really pick sides (unless you want to be the insensitive and heartless dick who says that human trafficking should be legal), I edited the topic a little. I’m onto talking about prostitution.

It’s called the “victimless crime”– a business that’s been operating for thousands of years is a punishable offense. Although research has shown that prostitutes are raped 8-10 times annually and that 86% of sex workers have been attacked with a weapon, it’s dismissed as NHI: no humans involved.

But, of course, women who work as prostitutes must have chosen their profession because they like sex, right? They like it kinky or violent or just anywhere, anytime. And they get paid. So it’s a pretty good deal. They must enjoy what they do, despite the abuse, the violence, the subsequent drug dependencies pushed onto them by their pimps, are all consequences sex workers decided were worth it. Oh, and the jail time for being caught and convicted of selling oneself? Just a little extra added bonus.

The sex trade in the United States is thriving. So should we legalize it? Nevada did. In Nevada, sex workers are required to have health checkups and johns must use protection. The brothels are deemed to be “safe.”

Does that make it right? Do all prostitutes choose to peddle their bodies and their lives for the perverted satisfaction of horny men? No, and that’s why there needs to be more done, by the government, to help them escape, and leave that life if they choose to. Prostitution cannot be legalized. If we define human rights violations as sexual harassment, physical assault, rape, captivity, economic coercion, or emotionally damaging verbal abuse, then we cannot in good conscience legalize prostitution anywhere, because that’s what prostitution involves.

America is supposed to be the land of opportunities, so why are we letting women who were forced into the dark and dangerous world of prostitution suffer? Most prostitutes enter the profession at the age of thirteen– and please don’t dare insinuate that a thirteen-year-old girl decided she wanted a load of creep-asses to fuck her on a daily basis. Don’t you dare.

There are also the women who believe they don’t have any alternatives. That there’s no other way to make quick, easy money that they need to support themselves, or their child(ren). They sell themselves a few times, and are quickly swept into a deadly cycle of abuse, rape, and trauma.

Nearly all prostitutes suffer from symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

I guess prostitution isn’t as fun as it seems, is it? Can you see victims yet?

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Something happened inside of me when I reached the end of the post I wrote on November 19, 2009 – +I WILL NEVER BE ORDINARY. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO KNOW THIS TRUTH..  The writing has become so much harder for me to do than it was before.

Do I abandon my efforts?

The ‘transparent moment’ I experienced on November 19 was evidently deeply connected within my body to my present experience of myself in my life.  Evidently transparency does not feel safe to me.  Yet I have courage, stamina and willingness to move forward, though I do not know ahead of time where my writing process is going to take me.

I didn’t know on November 19 that I was writing myself up to that transparent moment.  I didn’t see it coming.  I didn’t predict or anticipate where I was going or where I would end up.  The experience of that transparent moment just happened – but it happened because of the writing.  On some deeper level that I cannot actually SEE within me my instincts say to me – “DON”T WRITE!  STOP!  WRITING IS NOT SAFE.  IT LEADS YOU TO UNKNOW PLACES, AND UNKNOWN IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR WELL-BEING!”

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Because it is my basic premise that I cannot separate any experience I have from the disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment system I have as a direct result of my mother’s abuse of me, I have to allow myself to understand that my current state of NOT WRITING is connected to how this system operates to try to keep me safe and secure in the world.

Hiding is, for me, a trauma related response.  I can translate what is going on for me in the present to:  transparency = dangerous = HIDE NOW!  Hiding means that I am hiding from my own words, which are directly connected in the writing process to who I am – all my memories (even those only my body remembers), how I survived, what I am willing to think about, what I am willing to feel – and to the full consequence of the posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that I have along with dissociation that does not allow me to KNOW things in a necessarily ongoing, coherent, integrated fashion.

So, I STOP!

At the same time I am willing to share with you in a somewhat transparent way the following words that are connected to this whole process – as I forced myself to write them across lined sheets of spiral notebook paper –

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Make a difference in someone’s life

I used to believe in this

Is this a different Linda?

This one doesn’t even want to write any more.

Transitions between states of mind

Sometimes they are WIDE and I fall in.

I don’t know where the writing Linda went

I don’t want the sad one here.

Sometimes things cost too much – does caring?

Without the grief, am I just numb to everything?

A Linda-safer-floating around on a raft – but fragile amidst the sharks of chaos I know are all around me.

Don’t tip the raft.  Don’t look down.

Is that state mostly where I spent my childhood in between my mother’s attacks?

Out of nowhere she would attack me.  The raft of numb would disappear from under me.

I’d be in the ocean full of sharks – attacked again.

++

Cancer was an attack from within.

++

What does that mean

Changing our minds?

Like changing gears?

Or changing jobs?

Or changing our clothes?

Or changing a baby’s diaper?

Making change with money

A change in one’s fortune

A change in the weather

++

Paving stones with spaces between them

Grout between tiles

Mortar between stones or bricks

In PTSD-Dissociation our traumatic experiences are separated by fear and confusion

Cracks in a sidewalk

Shifting plates of the earth’s crust

Water surrounding continents

If I go to a place of what seems ‘calm’ to me

I suspect I am really ‘numb’ instead

Because peaceful calmness was never allowed (and did not build itself into my body)

At times I do not wish to disturb this numbness

Once I leave the numbness I don’t know and can’t predict what will get triggered and what state I’ll end up in next

And I don’t know how long I’ll end up in some other ‘changed state’ or if, when or how I can get back to ‘numb’

So it seems best not to disturb or change anything

Like a great game of hop scotch only I can’t control or predict where I’ll end up next

Leave well enough alone

Don’t think

Don’t feel

Just be

Try to leave everything within me alone

Control = control where I am in the environment

I don’t want to be challenged there, either

For all the same

Reasons

++

It’s like skating on a deep lake with uneven ice

Places that are thick and solid and I’m safe

Places where the ice is thin and I can crash through

But from the top side I can’t tell which is which

Nobody WANTS to fall through

OPTION?  Stay off of the lake

= do not write

I can’t predict where it will take me

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Please feel free to comment directly at the end of this post or on ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your Page – Readers’ Responses

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November is National Adoption Month

Posted: 24 Nov 2009 10:14 AM PST

Currently, there are 130,000 children and youth waiting to be adopted. National Adoption Month urges Americans to “Answer the Call” to adopt children and youth from foster care. National Adoption Month intends to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care.

The Ad Council’s latest public service “You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent” urges potential parents that perfection is not the goal. Children just need loving, caring environments with stability. This award-winning campaign is a partnership of the Children’s Bureau, the Ad Council, and AdoptUsKids. This year’s ads target the African-American community and finding homes for African-American children in care. The ads feature humorous everyday scenarios illustrating that parents need not be perfect to offer the stability and commitment that a “forever family” provides to a waiting child.

Visit the 2009 National Adoption Month Website for more information: http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/nam/

Additionally, The Children’s Bureau Express has a Spotlight on National Adoption Month webpage The CBE has information about how agencies celebrate National Adoption Month, and find out more about the latest adoption resources and research.  They also offer more information and service on:

PSA Campaign Recruits Families for African-American Children
Adoption Month Calendar Features Innovative Activities
National Survey of Adoptive Parents Releases First Data
Post adoption Support Guide
Positive Outcomes for Late-Placed Adoptees
Court Collaboration Expedites Adoptions
Parent-to-Parent Support for Adoptive Families

To view more information please visit their Spotlight on National Adoption Month: http://cbexpress.acf.hhs.gov/index.cfm?event=website.viewSection&issueID=111&subsectionID=8

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A small miracle is happening right before our eyes if we only open our hearts to see.

A minister, a rabbi and a Muslim sheik put their differences on the line and walked away clearing  an unobstructed path to God.

They met together and spoke of the greatest aspects of their respective faiths, as well as what they believed were the most divisive.

What they most valued as the core teachings of their tradition:

• the minister “unconditional love.”

• the sheik “compassion.”

• the rabbi “oneness.”

What they regarded as the “untruths” in their own faith:

• the minister: “Christianity is the only way to God.”

• the rabbi: the notion of Jews as “the chosen people.”

• the sheik: the “sword verses” in the Koran, like “kill the unbeliever.”

Now, I’m simply using my poetic license here. About that “unobstructed path to God,” that is. But read this  story submitted by Dustin.

It is from a newspaper article of the “three amigos” who may, one can only hope, help to unite all again. (See if you don’t agree!)

great story of friendship

My one, silent rebellion was prayer.

In Oz it’s rude to talk about spirituality/religion much, certainly not the private kind so I really have no way of reading how ok you’d all be about the mention of it?
(not that I mind being rude, you understand. The odd verbal spanking appeals to me but there is such a thing as context and I get enough spam as it is…)

Sufficiently armed with the above disclaimer, I was thinking (they tell me it’s dangerous, so naturally I find it hard to stop)…
about the resources I have to hold onto. then and now.

Back then the question seemed about externals. I mean, technically God is an external, too except it’s hardly the same. (God is not a Disney film.) But it’s notions like that that kept me even vaguely this side of sane, even with militant atheists for parents or perhaps because of them.

Sounds funny because we normally associate prayer with conformity and with a brand of conservatism that is so mainstream as to go largely unacknowledged and yet remains a central feature of many peoples’ daily lives.

My prayers were always tinged with guilt. Surreptitious and vehement as the stars I’d look to. I heard them swallowed by the silence, the depth and magnitude of nature rang out in response and I was sure they were still there.

My parents were strangely devout in their atheism… and I mean these were people who would disown friends/family for ‘turning religious on them.’ There was a deep-seeded fear of it, for good reasons but at the time all I knew was that you keep it underground.

So day by day it grows a little stronger in response.
Because it’s always there when nobody else is, and precisely because it’s meant to stay out of sight. It’s like telling a prisoner not to mind the bright red escape hatch on the wall… these are not the ways to keep the curious from killing the cat.
I’ll go there because you tell me not to. I’m obsessive like that, or is it stubborn? Either way, it was there.

I went to an Anglican school with enforced prayer but it was the music and the wholeness of each note that did it — a thousand voices soaring, the organ piercing sunlight that had only just before seemed so absolutely void. Scriptures I could take or leave, for the most part. Parables you hear regardless — the lessons had already been marked on my skin, one way or another.

And so they told me, you can sing but do not dare to feel. Leave it at the gates and go… nowhere. offer… nothing. tell… no one.

Sometimes I’d write to God because it turned out Santa was just another fat, middle-aged pervert pretending to be something he was not.

See, there was no replacement for the wonder and belief that had long before been poured into my heart. How do you tell a child they can’t believe in the Moon? It’s right there.

But I learned to ignore those things, somewhere along the way, deliberately forgot the rest, most likely. It is an emptiness, an invitation to deny yourself and in the process lose a little hope with every breath. Not that I hoped for so many things, certainly not that some mystical power would save me from what had by then become my life.

I doubt I wanted to be saved. Kindness hadn’t proved much of a boon up to that point so I thought to myself, just don’t hand me another fairytale. I’m not a princess and there is no pea. There’s just you, me and… ?

What I did want to know was that I could be understood. And if there might, just might be a light switch to find, if I kept to the path I couldn’t help but know lay deep within, then that would be gravy.

These were my messages in a bottle, stored on the very top shelf. I stuffed them in the cookie jar, perched right below the bright red sign that tells you not to dare.

In 2004 when I was spiritually abused I started having nightmares. Until that point in my life I had only had a few nights in my lifetime where I experienced this and I started having nightmares almost every night. It was a very disturbing piece of evidence in my life of the trauma I had experienced and I didn’t know how to respond to it and to make it go away.

A few months ago after the struggles at my last church some similar nightmares started to resurface. Thankfully this time my heart and life were in a very different place and I was able to lay the issue before God and trusted him to lead me to a solution. About that time I happened to see Beth Moore doing an interview on TV. In that interview she spoke of how she went through a time in her life where she realized she wanted to have God’s word on her heart and to always be rejoicing in and worshipping him. She began to learn how to always have a song on her heart so that even when she awoke in the middle of the night her heart and mind would turn to God and celebrate his goodness. Through that interview I took on a new idea to train my heart and mind to always be thinking of and at rest with God’s word. When I am upset, stressed, emotionally struggling, or feeling depressed…when I don’t think I will sleep well I take ahold of my small bible that fits within my hand and I hold it to my heart until I fall asleep. Throughout the night if I awaken the Bible is there to remind me to trust God because he is in charge and watching over me. This simple act has had profound impact on my rest and overall peace. I know that I can place myself under God’s protection and rest in his care.

A few days ago I came across this story from Beth in her study A Woman’s Heart: God’s Dwelling Place. The lesson for the day was on the Bread of the Presence that was placed on the altar in the tabernacle. It reminded me of the way God has taught me that he covers me and keeps me safe under his care.

“My father was in the battalion that broke open the gates and announced freedom to prisoners in Dachau, a Nazi concentration camp. The emaciated prisoners kissed the soldiers’ feet and repeatedly cried out their thanksgiving. In that moment the soldiers were forever changed. The liberation, however, posed an immediate problem: the children. Either they had been separated from their parents, or their parents were dead. Either way, they had nowhere to go. An army hospital was set up at once to care for them, where they were bathed, fed, and warmed. However, it was not enough. Every night brought horrifying nightmares, making rest impossible for the children and the personnel. Finally, one man lined up the children one night at bedtime, gathered loaves from the kitchen, and tore off a piece of bread for each child. The children curled up in their beds, nestled the bread against their breasts, and slept with the angels.”

Know that you are safe under the protection of God. He cares about you and if you suffer from nightmares may you find a place of safety, peace, rest, and hope in him!

I walk through these streets, my head’s spinning.

A killer walks these streets among you tonight;

I thought that I was just doing my job;

Defending my buddies and myself from harm;

In the process, I killed a child in front of his mother.

Bad intelligence and empty posturing brought me to the desert;

The land around me is now laid to waste;

And so am I on the inside.

At the time, I thought that I did things with valor and honor;

I received awards and accolades and applause;

Even been hailed as a hero.

These days, I can’t even keep my marriage together.

I’ve been institutionalized and am now in therapy.

As I walk these streets, inside my own mind,

A killer walks among you all… 

It seems that no matter where I turn;

The world feels itself so inclined to speak unkind words in my direction.

 I try to just mind my own business and just live my life;

Difficult enough as it is.

At work, or at home,

I find no empathy;

Only coldness and harshness;

Even complete strangers in passing

 Seem to want to take their turn when it concerns me.

I fill the magazine to the top with rounds.

I put the other two in my coat pocket.

My angst will contain a body count…

1. List your relapse behaviors…    (relapse behaviors are behaviors that put your life at risk, your health, your job, education, your therapy at risk, your relationships, your safety, etc…)
2. List emotional and interpersonal triggers…    (the emotional state prior to your relapse behaviors, the external events that happen before you relapse, this may include situations including other people, sounds, music, movies, etc…)
3. Describe some apparently irrelevant decisions made in the past…       (these are recent choices and behaviors that moved you CLOSER to relapse behaviors, such as going to the drug store to get shampoo that you used to buy your razors at, or keeping foods you have chosen not to binge on for ‘when company comes’, going out with men you know are bad news but are more exciting than the nice guys you have been meeting, calling up unhealthy people again even just to say ‘hi’, etc…
4. List ways you have attempted to test limits and control, include catastrophizing and ‘all or nothing’ thinking:    (to put yourself to the test to invite temptation and lapse. example – you have already binged a little, so why not binge all the way?)
5. Identify high risk situations for you:
6. Identify some lapses you experienced in the past:    (if they are too painful to write down in detail, you can name them, like ‘the one that happened last Christmas, or the one with Eric, etc…)
7. Specify non-addictive coping resources you will use:    (what NEW, HEALTHY BEHAVIORS can you use that will give you the same reinforcers of your relapse behaviors?)
8. Write down/speed dial/program your cell phone with the  names, email addresses, phone numbers of healthy people you can get in touch with and discuss urges, coping skills and who can offer support:
9. Record plans for modifying your work/school life for better balance:    (this includes therapy and personal growth outlets. example – limit yourself to an 8 hour day, commit to therapy 1x per week, be honest with your therapist about how you are feeling, set aside time for meditation, add some movement – an honest little bit of something is better than nothing.
10. Record plans for modifying your leisure life for better balance:    (include rest, nutrition, fitness, recreation, hobbies, etc…)
11. List tentative plan for aftercare for the next 90 days:    how often will you attend therapy?, how often will you see your doctor?, can you make a commitment to at least give your meds a 90 day shot?, how about groups or meetings? journaling? blogging?)
12. State your present sexual boundaries. Include plans for modifying your sexuality for better balance.    (example, recognize unhealthy and unsafe behaviors. can you say ’no’ with conviction?)
13. List current difficulties with boundaries with people:    (family, partners, therapists or doctors who have begun an inappropriate (aka – secret) relationship with you, abusive people (to include partners, family, bosses, friends, teachers. who do you WANT to be close to in your life? who do you WANT distance from? what limits will you set? what is your plan of action?
14. List five positive accomplishments you have made while in your recovery, or in your most recent treatment program?

Keep this list handy! It’s a great resource for when you are too overwhelmed to think clearly, and will be helpful to anyone you choose to work with. Only share it with healthy people who are committed to helping you in your recovery.

Good Luck! )