Before I Self Destruct Track Listing

* “The Invasion”
* “Then Days Went By”
* “Death to My Enemies”
* “So Disrespectful”
* “Psycho” (feat. Eminem)
* “Hold Me Down”
* “Crime Wave”
* “Stretch”
* “Strong Enough”
* “Get It Hot”
* “Gangsta’s Delight”
* “I Got Swag”
* “Baby by Me” (feat. Ne-Yo)
* “Do You Think About Me”
* “Ok, You’re Right”
* “Could’ve Been You” (feat. R. Kelly)

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Putting it mildly Roy Keane isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. In fact, for Ipswich fans brought up on decent-minded managers like Bobby Robson and John Lyall, he’s more like a cup of sick. But at least you know where you stand with Roy, he couldn’t be more transparent if he was made of clingfilm.

During this week’s hilarious press conference at Portman Road, Keane put forward his forthright views on the Henry handball controversy. Given his previous disagreements with the FAI, he may as well have brought in a large axe, slipped on a little bit of R Kelly, and set about it grinding it in the most energetic way possible.

But he does make a valid point about the incident which lead to the Irish winning a vital qualifying game against Georgia at Croke Park in February. Check it out for yourselves below. It would have only been slightly more bizarre if the referee had awarded Ireland the Nobel Prize for Physics than this penalty.

Now, I’m not 100 percent certain on this.   But one day, way back when, a guy heard something so ridiculous while walking past a pile of bull dong that he decided to call what was uttered the foul heap he had stumbled upon.  Unbeknownst to the insightful stroller, he had given the American vocabulary one of it’s most enduring classifications for sheer nonsense.  Granted, I was told this by my uncle, a 40-year drunkard.  Nevertheless, if he’s right, whatever pissed that guy’s ears off that historical day had to sound a lot like 50 Cent’s Before I Self Destruct.

The former nine-shot taker turned Vitamin Water huckster hit the studio one last time for Interscope to let his ego run ass-out crazy.   The album starts out strong enough  with Fif offering his enemies a chance to “come get some” on the opening track, The Invitation.  It’s set to a piano-laced beat Mr Jackson handles fairly well.  Problem is, the lyrics don’t bring anything new.  We’re basically being reminded of Fifty’s collection of weapons ready to be used against those foolish enough to step to him “in the hood.”   Now honestly, no one, at least I hope, believes the 400-million dollar man is still hanging out on his old block squeezing off on rivals, which makes the whole hustler-on-the-rise thing almost comical at this point.

Never known for a solid flow or clever word play, his strength always relied on the low raspy tone of his delivery.  It always lent a seriousness to his buildups which we all bought in the past.  Here, it’s tired and worn.  For instance, it’s utilized in Death to My Enemies, a sprawling mess of pop references and cliches where the former Queens hustler’s message is lost until the hook reminds you and it’s like: oh, he’s pissed at a few people.

We all know the diss track is to New York what the runing of the bulls is to the people of Spain.  Fifty adds to his native state’s legacy with So Disrespectful.   Old beefs are resussitated with Jeezy, The Game and Young Buck,  three people no one gives a damn about anymore.  Worse, nothing is being said to make you want to revisit those issues.  Well, I don’t know…how do you feel about this ?  It’s crazy how I make this shit look oh so easy. They say, 50, man don’t fuck with him, he’s oh so greasy.  I know.  Stop it, Mr Jackson, please.

Not being able to let go of the past aside, The rest of the album slowly morphs into a hacky attempt to grab ladies through dry R&B powered tracks, even managing to recruit fading Chicago crooner R Kelly for one of the most forgettable collaborations since Bone Thugs in Harmony and Phil Collins. Right, exactly.

After the release of Curtis, critics and fans felt Fifty was becoming soft, human even.   Naturally, moving into your 30s will bring new life experiences and Curtis cracked a window for us to take a personal look at an artist revolving from boy to adult.  Frightened of losing his fanbase after the experiment, BISD was a road map to guide us back to the “dark side.”

Well, we’ve seen that side before and it was fun for a while, but maybe it’s time to get back to growing up, Fif.

There’s allot going on in the industry today with all the highly anticipated albums waiting for release. Here is a list of a few albums you just might want to pick up:

DECEMBER 1

Juvenile Cocky And Confident

R. Kelly Untitled

Alicia Keys The Element Of Freedom

DECEMBER 8

The Game The R.E.D. Album

Snopp Dogg Malice N Wonderland

…don’t front like you didn’t dig the girl duo Changing Faces…re-visit “Stroke You Up” the track was produced by R.Kelly who is also featured on the song…the year was 1994…click the picture for a treat..

The New York Times today reports that

In the first major step toward making millions of videos on YouTube accessible to deaf and hearing-impaired people, Google unveiled new technologies on Thursday that will automatically bring text captions to many videos on the site.

According to the article, Google’s speech recognition technology, already used in applications such as its voice-to-text phone message service, initially will be applied to largely educational video channels on the YouTube, such as PBS, National Geographic and university stations. Another version of it will be available to regular users, giving them the option of having YouTube caption their videos for them, auto-generating transcripts from the audio.

While aimed at making online videos more accessible to the aurally-challenged, the technology will also be a revelation for the rest of us who want to bask ever more thoroughly in the glow of humanity’s radiant stupidity. Did she just say, “could be a crack head that got hold to the wrong stuff”? Let’s go to the transcript for confirmation. (Yes. I am getting word that, yes, that is what she said.)

Furthermore, imagine the far out search implications. Forget hoping someone’s typed out and time-logged choice quotes from the latest Family Guy (06:24: “I did some poos, I did some poos, I didn’t  mean to.”), or straining to recall in which chapter R. Kelly sings “I thought your name was Mary/ That’s what you said at the party/ Man, this is getting scary/ I’m gonna shoot somebody.” Uploaded videos will be automatically tagged with text files, unleashing a deluge of previously untap-able search reserves. It’s the web’s next logical step, really.

And you thought you spent a lot of time on the computer now.

Sabemos que en octubre no ha habido lista de canciones… y es por eso que hoy les traigo música fresquita. Diez temas para darle un doble a noviembre.

Love from You – Andy Allo. Una artista que acabo de descubrir hace muy poquito y que aporta un soplo de aire fresco. Dicen que suena como si fuera la hermana pequeña de Corinne Bailey Rae pero aunque su sonidoes mucho más fresco fusiona más estilos y está más cerca a veces del Hip Hop. Ya lo dicen por ahí, las comparaciones son odiosas.

Can´t hardly wait – N’Dambi. Decir que todo lo que hace esta mujer es bueno, sobra. Y decir que ahora mismo es una de las mejores interpretes del Nu-Soul es algo que es evidente. Simplemente hagamos mención a un tema para morirse de gusto como es este gran tema extraido de su último disco Pink Elephant.

Ay yo – Melanie Fiona. Y si estamos de comparación, el timbre de voz de esta chica podría sonar parecido al de Alicia Keys aunque con un aire un poquito más folk. Se la ha visto en diferentes escenarios aunque todavía está dando sus primeros saltos como quien dice. Les dejo una doble joya, ya que en esta versión, acompaña a la bateria el gran Questlove de The Roots

Staying in love – Raphael Saadiq. Ya lo avisé el año pasado. El último disco de Raphael Saadiq es muuuuy bueno. Pero por si lo he de repetir, aqui dejo está canción para que disfruten.

Sex Therapy – Robin Thicke. Falsetes por todas partes, como suele ser este artista, una terapia sexual y un video de una mansión donde parece que se le pasan todos los males, como hizo 50 cent, pero con un poquito más de clase.

You are the music – Mamas Gun. No, no son imaginaciones. Y sí, exacto, este grupo toma su nombre del gran disco de Erykah Badu, y tienen una buena carta de presentación con un sonido que evoca el soul de los 70 con toques pop.

Number oner – Keri Hilson feat. R. Kelly ¿Y con quién no ha colaborado últimamente Keri Hilson? Esta es una balada del tipo que a R. Kelly se le da muy bien algo subidita de tono, como la mayor parte de las canciones de su último disco.

Empire State of mind feat. Alicia Keys. Y ya que hablamos de colaboraciones, hablemos de esta. Un homenaje de Jay-Z a su Brooklyn con Alicia Keys en el piano y en el estribillo. El video, se lo dejo aqui por su buena fotografía, un un video que nos enseña que de alguna manera inexplicable, todos amamos Nueva York.

I believe in you – Black Dub. Un grupo con una música compleja pero exquisita, quizá no del gusto de la mayoría pero con una vocalista con una bella voz que no se puede decir que canta si no que en toda regla interpreta las canciones.

Brotha – Angie Stone. Y acabo la lista con el buen sabor de boca de lo que ya casi es un clásico. Una delicia de canción repleta de amor hacia su propia raza.

2009 has been a tumultuous year for Gucci Mane, but not nearly as difficult as the economic woes that have crippled families throughout the nation.  In the spirit of Thanksgiving, the rapper’s family and friends have decided to hold their first annual “Turkey Dinner Giveaway” to feed deserving families in Gucci’s hometown.

According to representatives for Gucci, the event has long been in planning, and despite Gucci’s legal woes, he is intent in his efforts to enhance the holiday season for members of his community.  Gucci stated,

“I’ve had the ability to influence lives through my music.  Now I want to do that through my actions, in the right way.  I hope the community receives these with the thought of a being a blessing to others in whatever capacity they can.”

On hand for the event will be CEO of Mizay Entertainment Debra Antney who manages Gucci.  Other Mizay Entertainment recording artists scheduled to help with the charity endeavor are OJ Da Juiceman, Nicki Minaj, Waka Flocka Flame, Wooh Da Kid, Muffy, Sparechange, and the So Icey Boys.

Gucci Mane and team are also planning to do a Winter Wonderland” Christmas event in December.  Here is the event location for Tuesday’s Turkey Dinner Giveaway.

Obsessions                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     4525 Glenwood Road                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Decatur, GA 30032

By Roman Wolfe

R. Kelly has enlisted the likes of OJ Da Juiceman, Tyrese, The Dream, Keri Hilson and others for his tenth studio album, Untitled.

The majority of the 15-track album deals with Kelly’s favorite topic – sex.

The album features tracks like “Bangin’ The Headboard,” “Pregnant,” “Go Low,” and “Be My #2.”

Untitled features production by Jazze Pha, LOS Da Mystro, R. Kelly himself and others.

Last week, the lead single from Kelly’s Untitled album “Number One” featuring Keri Hilson marked Kelly’s 35th Top 10 hit on the Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart.

OJ Da Juiceman teams with R. Kelly on the track “Supaman High,” while Tyrese, Robin Thicke and The Dream are featured on the song “Pregnant.”

R. Kelly is currently on the sold-out “Ladies Make Some Noise!” tour, which ends on December 8.

The track listing for Untitled is as follows:

1. Crazy Night featuring R. City (Produced by R. Kelly & Lil Ronnie)
2.Exit (Produced by R. Kelly & Jazze Pha)
3. Echo (Produced by R. Kelly, Infinity & Darhyl “DJ” Camper)
4. Bangin’ The Headboard (Produced by R. Kelly, Darhyl “DJ” Camper & Infinity)
5. Go Low (Produced by R. Kelly)
6. Whole Lotta Kisses (Produced by R. Kelly)
7. Like I Do (Produced by R. Kelly & LOS Da Mystro)
8. Number One featuring Keri Hilson (Produced by R. Kelly, Roy ‘Royalty’ Hamilton & Raphael Hamilton)
9. I Love The DJ (Produced by R. Kelly & Soulshock and Karlin)
10.Supaman High featuring OJ Da Juiceman (Produced by R. Kelly &Willy Will)
11. Be My #2 (Produced by R. Kelly & Jack Splash)
12. Text Me (Produced by R. Kelly & Gaz)
13. Religious (Produced by R. Kelly, Eric Dawkins & Antonio Dixon)
14. Elsewhere (Produced by R. Kelly & Christopher ‘Deep’ Henderson)
15. Pregnant featuring Tyrese, Robin Thicke and The-Dream (Produced by R. Kelly, Berris Bolton & DeWayne Swan)

A friend of mine hosted a little get-together at her place in Noe Valley this past weekend to watch R. Kelly’s hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Closet” (the first 22 chapters of which can be watched free of charge at IFC.com). I have to admit that, other than having listened to an unexpectedly hilarious series of podcasts chronicling his child pornography trial in the summer of 2008 (Dispatches from the R. Kelly Trial by Josh Levin at Slate.com), I did not know very much about the man and had fairly low expectations. I thought we’d be there to watch a spectacle of sorts. And the conceit of Trapped in the Closet doesn’t really inspire a whole lotta confidence: it’s essentially a soap opera in which all of the dialogue is sung by R. Kelly himself, while the actors essentially lip-sync the dialogue. Then there were the atmospherics of the movie-watching party, which encouraged the skepticism that was building in me: we had “Dirty Shirley” Temples (Seven & Seven plus grenadine, of course), in honor of R. Kelly’s alleged (but unproven) penchant for corrupting the young and the innocent, and a suspiciously yellow-hued drink (vodka & lemonade), in honor of his alleged penchant for peeing on the young and the innocent (also unproven). We were there to laugh, not so much to appreciate well-crafted cinema.

Well this here doubting Thomas left that party with a serious appreciation for R. Kelly’s obvious talent, versatility as a performer, and life story. I can’t say I’m going to run out and buy his new album or anything, but Trapped is definitely worth checking out. Before I discuss the hip-hopera, though, some background:

Not only did Kelly literally shed his urban rags for riches, but he recently revealed publicly (in a ballsy move, I say) that he struggles with illiteracy. As alluded to above, he has also been involved in a couple of sex-related scandals, culminating in his Michael Jackson-esque child pornography trial, at which the jury declared him not guilty on all 14 counts of videotaping himself having intercourse with an underaged girl. Notwithstanding all this hot mess, Kelly somehow has managed to record numerous well-received R&B albums and compose (and perform) an entire 22-chaper-and-counting hip-hop-opera, Trapped in the Closet.

I think it was particularly the illiteracy revelation that really softened me up. I just think it’s nearly impossible to watch Trapped in the Closet and not come out (no pun intended) with a new appreciation for and awe of its composer, who — as one of the party attendees kept remarking — was basically walking around with 22-chapters-worth of lyrical dialogue in his head.

The plot-line of Trapped is sort of like Days of Our Lives meets Guy Noir, set to fairly simple (and repetitive) music. I started off watching with with a wrinkled brow, thinking to myself, “Really?” There’s the initial disconcerting-ness of listening to R. Kelly sing all the characters’ parts, both female and male. Then there are the tacky sets, the bad acting, the cliche plot devices to get over. There’s the fun of seeing R. Kelly in several different roles, old, young, male, female (and he was surprisingly believable — assuredly not Philip Seymour Hoffman-quality, but he can hold his own in a variety show). There’s the nosy neighbor, the numerous philandering spouses, the shady pastor, the stuttering but possibly reformed pimp (Mr. Pigtales’ favorite character), and let’s not forget the well-endowed but stinky midget (really!).

But strangely, and fairly quickly, at the end of the day, it works. And it’s very smart, combining humor based on exaggeration, repetition, absurdity, and over-attention to mundane detail (expertly parodied by the incomparable Weird Al Yankovic), with repeated cliffhangers and unlikely rhymes.

(Perhaps the most masterful of rhymes, in my opinion, occurs in Chapter 11. After we learn that the aforementioned midget is named “Big Man,” R. Kelly sings something to the effect of:

“Man, is that ya’ name?” / He says, “Yeah,” we laugh hot mess / Then I say, “Man, why they call you that?” / And he says, “Because I’m blessed.”

You’ll have to guess which area of his body the midget is pointing to at this point. If you are stumped, you might call to mind the subtly-worded R. Kelly hit, “I like the Crotch on You.”)

Apparently many folks are confused upon watching Trapped, wondering if R. Kelly knows that we are laughing at him. As one of the party-goers said, “It’s just so bad it’s good.” The behind-the-scenes footage on the DVD version does not do anything to dispel the mystery, as both Kelly and his co-stars all seem to be working very earnestly and taking everything very seriously. But in my view, R. Kelly was not so much the court jester as he was the master puppeteer.

Sadly, the last-available chapter, #22, is a cliffhan

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the wonderful world of IATL…Yes…Yes…the place where hoes, deacons, lil shiny kids, up and coming artists and niggaz that aint gone never be nothing have a voice….Now me….well….Im SeanFresh and baby Imma a STAR….Ok…well…ummmm..Im on my  fresh journey to stardom…And..ummmm… although my momma, my baby gal and a few rejected bust -it- babies see a G as the real star that I am…well…I hate to disappoint but really Im  just a regular nigga with a few more talents than the average Joe…..And believe it or not I still do some real live “human” type of stuff..Ok, allow me to reintroduce myself…My name is Ro-Shun and I am a human…I do stuff like eating all the cereal and almost all the milk then leaving only about 0.000000453 oz of milk in the milk carton and putting that hoe back in the fridge. HUMAN….You know like passing gas in the store and blaming it on my baby boy as I push him down the aisle..Acting like Im smelling his Pampers bc HE made a lil boo boo..HUMAN…Or…Writing a blog about me passing gas and losing some female followers….HUMAN….And despite my “star- like” (nigga Im really tooting my own horn) ability to write, sing and perform songs about how much I love my baby gal and how I would give my left nut to have her by myself forever….well…ummmm…Sometimes I be wishing that Obama would make history and select her as the 1st female in the draft or something..Front Line… HUMAN..But there are a few things that I have learned from entertainment about becoming a star….That really requests “NORMAL” niggaz to appear to be “UNHUMAN” for the sake of entertainment…And if you dont mind I will like to share a few with you…Peep Game…

1. No one wants Average.

You see normal niggaz dont pay $50-$125 to see another “normal” nigga on stage…..For example..Joe Budden is one of the dopest rappers in the game (even if they did misspell his name on his OWN album)..But that nigga is NORMAL…extra normal…Like when you see Joe Budden, you dont think that it  would be past him having to be a store manager at a local Walgreen somewhere when his rap career is over…..Why? Because Joe Budden is a NORMAL NIGGA and he appears to be a normal nigga…Like fa real that nigga looks like he stills puts Avirex jackets in lay-a-way at TJ Maxx and possibly tries to get over on the game by filing for unemployment while working on CDs to drop or something…..Naw I aint saying that a niggaz got to be bouncing around like Gucci Mane with 50/11 chains on…But you need to have something about you that doesnt keep you as an average Joe (pun intended)…..Although he murked this RiRi track…

Now back to the teaching.

Now Im sure that Piph will comment on this or maybe delete my profile and mention his “Respect” mixtape release date..after the following comments but…ummmm…I dont think that just rapping is enough to gain a large fan base..Now true enough their will be some true music heads that will be like …”YO did you hear how that nigga used all those metaphors and how he spelled his name backwards and they was really the time of date of Jesus return? Cold.”  Well…yet & still…Niggaz dont need to just hear that dope dope but niggaz need to look at a star and see SOMETHING that they can’t obtain..For example…No matter how long you go to the gym and drink 3 tons of whey protein ….there is just gone be a small percent of “non-prison released” niggaz walking around with Piph 50 cents arms….NOT HUMAN…. 

I have been doing push-ups for 3 months and the only thing that has happen for me..Is  gaining a damaged  pride and shoulder..Pride & Shoulder..My nigga…Imma buying a chain…SMH

2. No one wants the Truth.

Yuppp… I learned that really deep down inside..Womens just want a man to lie to them….Yeah, you want us to tell you that we will bring you the stars and the moon and that you will always be beautiful in our eyes no matter how many Big Macs, strawberry shakes and 2 for $1 apple pies you eat for breakfast…Oh and this is the main lie that ALL R&B singers tell to make the lil shiny womens in Africa jump up and down and scream for ice cream..And yes you love to hear it….Please pause for a second and allow R. explain….

Baby, We can go ALLLLLLLLLL Night LONGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like seriously..ALL NIGHT!? Do niggaz really know how many hours elapses in a night…..You know I just be thinking that those types of lies are just wrong in two-fold….Because its like if you telling womens that you are on the clock to lay the pipe for 8 hours shifts and you get to  slicing up the womens then you got to speak with Baby Jesus about 2 things….

1) The fact that you KNOW that you aint slapping nobody cheeks for ALL DAY and NIGHT LONG…And nigga you lying…

2) Is the obivious fact that you letting your Lil Seans dance in womens womb…

Now really there are people who have those “UN-HUMAN” abilities and I guess they are stars in their own right.

 But to be honest..its those lies that make us happy…Like believing that Santa Clause was the reason that you got some Chuck Taylors instead of those Jordans that you asked for…Dont blame daddy…Or believing that sex will clear up your pimple problem…You feel better..But..ummm…you still got pimples and the claps..Gone….

Obama increased the already massive waste in government by almost $100B in his first nine months.  That is 25% more waste than last year under President Bush.

Labor was tied for the biggest chunk of that waste increase with the Treasury which is run by Tim “Tax Cheat” Geithner.  Each of those wasted $12.3B. 

Interestingly enough, the Service Employees International Union (SEIU, the labor union) raised hundreds of millions of dollars for Barack Obama’s election campaign and its president, Andy Stern, has been to the White House 22 times since Obama has been in office, making Stern the most frequent visitor.

Barack Obama also entertained

• anti-American racist and Obama spiritual leader, Jeremiah Wright
• anti-American racist and leader of the New Black Panther Party, Malik Zulu Shabazz
• anti-American and self-avowed socialist Michael Moore
• child pornographer and molester, black musician, Robert Kelly, a.k.a., R. Kelly
• anti-American, long-time Obama confidant, supporter and terrorist, Bill Ayers

I wonder how much of your money Obama can waste given a full year? 

Perhaps Obama can use some of your money to have R. Kelly use the White House to shoot another sex video involving some more 14 year-old girls or to have Bill Ayers build some bigger bombs to bomb the Pentagon again since his first attempt was not as successful as he would have liked?

Top Ten Hip-Hop And R&B Songs

*************************************
1.
Pretty Wings
Maxwell
*************************************
2.
Empire State Of Mind
Jay-Z + Alicia Keys
*************************************
3.
Forever
Drake Featuring Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem
*************************************
4.
Papers
Usher
*************************************
5.
Wasted
Gucci Mane Featuring Plies Or OJ Da Juiceman
*************************************
6.
I Invented Sex
Trey Songz Featuring Drake
*************************************
7.
Bad Habits
Maxwell
*************************************
8.
Regret
LeToya Featuring Ludacris
*************************************
9.
Number One
R. Kelly Featuring Keri Hilson
*************************************
10.
Under
Pleasure P
*************************************

h/t MZA

My friend over at GCM watch posted some excerpts from Pastor Terrance Johnson’s sermon  ”Get Back in the Closet and Change.”  Let me know what you think.  Right or wrong?

http://www.gcmwatch.com/3779/houston-pastor-go-back-into-the-closet-and-change

Building a personal brand should be as an important part as the written material that you use to promote your business. Whatever your promotional spiel says about you should be reflected in the way that you look and the way that you come across.

The first impression that you make with the way you look, your grooming, your voice and your body language is just the tip of the iceberg. Underneath is how capable you are, what your identity is, what your values are and what strengths you have. Here are some top tips to help you get the message across consistently.

First Impressions – First impressions need to be positive! It takes 21 subsequent experiences to change a first impression. Know yourself. These are the big questions you need to be able to communicate about yourself in the way that you dress, how you speak and what you say. Who are you? What do you stand for? What is important about your business? What are your strengths? What makes you different? What would be the three or fours words that you would like others to use after you have left the room? Go on … what are those four words?

Physical Presence – This is all about building relationships so what is your body language saying? Remember to smile and to maintain appropriate eye contact. Bearing mind personal comfort space and if they back off not to fill the gap. Equally if they stand too close to you step to the side rather than step back. Remember the impact of a wet handshake and a bone crushing one. Make yours firm but fair!

Appearance – 78% of business professionals said that what colleagues wore had a direct impact on their perceived ability of their colleagues. Above all be well groomed. (Eligibly, women who wear make up get 20% higher paid jobs than those that don’t! Not sure whether this is true for men who wear make up – if you have a comment on this please feel free ….)

Believe 100% in yourself and what you are doing. The best tip in this respect is to have a written business plan. A written business plan focuses your mind clearly on the earlier questions. And let’s face it if you are fuzzy in the head about your business then you will leak at the seams!

Finally, recognise your own self talk. Are you doing yourself down or building yourself up. Remember Mohamed Ali’s “I am the Greatest!” And at the time, he was wasn’t he?

Have a listen to this then tell us what your four words are:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeNinVA2F8k

5.4

it took 12 years, but here we go again!  ridiculous moments in r & b part deux!  in no particular order, the winners are:

1.  Who let your drunk uncles in the studio?? i have no idea how ‘Float On’ by the Floaters came about, but i’m guessing it went something like this:

Larry: ay!  ay yall, this where my nephew Ronnie J come in here and do his music shit at…i think he got some beer in a fridge here somewhere down here since Paul done drank up all the everythang.

Paul: you cain’t put that on me, man!  you know i don’t drink no beer if it ain’t malted anyway, you hear me??!  *pimp runs around the room*

Charles: WHERE THE ‘YAC AT??!

Ralph: shut up, fool!  hey Larry, what you say Ronnie ‘nem do in here?  music?  aw, shit, we could do that!  we can make somethin for the ladies, man!

Charles: AIN’T NO MAD DOG OR NOTHIN IN HERE, MAN!

Larry: yeah!  say, man, that ain’t a bad idea!  there’s this redbone that work at the Snackin Shack i been tryin to get at for the longest!

Ralph: awwww yeah!  i’ma get on that microphone, talkin bout some “I’M A SCORPIO!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN, GIRL??!”  *inappropriate hip gyration*

Charles: THIS SOME BULLSHIT!!!

gotta hand it to em though.  the foot action is *crazy* and this song is better than ANYTHING that trey songz will ever do in the history of his life.

2.  Boyz II Men doesn’t mind STDs all that much. Boyz II Men, i’d argue, is one of the most successful musical acts ever, and definitely one of my favorite.  im sure ‘end of the road’ still holds all kind of chart breaking records and what not.  what was awesome about Boyz II Men is that they were hip, they were new and fresh and they made good definitive 90s r&b, but they still retained a classic r&b feel.  i think we can find that classic influence best in the spoken breakdowns they put in their songs.  my favorite, by far, is the one in ‘end of the road’ because it’s just so inappropriate.  i understand bein so in love that you can’t function or see straight or none of that.  but really, there comes a point where you really should try too, because this:

All those times of night when you just hurt me
And just ran out with that other fella
Baby, I knew about it, I just didn’t care

I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did baby but that’s all right

i read that and i hear: “i know that this is no longer a monogamous relationship, and i know that monogamy is an important thing to have when trying to to get the clap, AIDs, and other STDs, and i know that by willingly continue to take anything you give me, including your now soiled vagina, i am putting myself at risk, but i just don’t care.” he then goes on to say that he’ll be there for her until his dying day.  well with that attitude, that day may be closer than you think, buster!  invest in some standards!!

3.  Jimmy Cozier has self esteem problems. speaking of low standards, remember Jimmy Cozier??  he actually made some pretty good music for the 2 weeks he was

Mrs. Cozier? is that you??

relevant!!  the song he did with alicia keys was my jam for a good 3 days.  his big song (i think?) was she’s all i got, the one that went ’sometimes i looove heeeeer/sometimes i love her noooooot/i aint lettin her gooooo/cause she’s all i goooooot.’  now on the surface, i thought this was sweet.  he loves her so much that even though they have problems, he feels that she’s the only constant in his world, the only thing he can bank on to be there for him because they’re such a perfect fit.  how poetic!

but upon closer inspection…. i think it’s more accurate to say ‘this bitch is crazy and he doesn’t think he can do any better.’  i mean hell, in the first verse he’s singin about how she just blacks out sometimes?  wtf?  she likes startin shit just to see how far she can go before HE flips out??  um, that’s not cute.  that’s unhealthy.  come on, jimmy.  you werent that bad lookin, boo.  i believe in you.

4.  Quincy Jones is a delight!  literally! if wikipedia is to be believed, Quincy Jones’ middle name is ‘Delight.’

…

Quincy Delight Motherfuckin’ Jones.  Junior.  he’s a junior, so that means there is another Quincy Delight Jones out there in history.  ridiculous.

hi! im brian mcknight and i will regret this fashion decision in 10 years!

5.  Who knew Brian McKnight was so 90s??! okay, i forget how and when i stumbled across this song and video, but it definitely wasn’t long ago.  i think i caught it on vh1 soul during old school hour or something.  i NEVER knew this song existed!!  it’s GREAT!  if i had known this song existed when we did the ridiculous moments in new jack swing post, it TOTALLY would have been on there.  this is like, the apex of 90s r&b videos.  it has it all.  let’s examine, shall we?

1.  shadowy girl in spandex dancing against a white background?  check.

2.  randomly hanging out in an alley for no apparent reason?  check.

3.  huge shadow of of an industrial fan in said alley, also for no apparent reason? check.  <– why did they do that so much??!

4.  s-curl?  unfortunate check.

5.  ridiculous fashion?  HOLY MOTHER OF CHECK.  this is the real reason that i decided to put this on the list.  when you’re watching the vid, skip to the 1:16 mark.  what do you see?  your eyes are not deceiving you.  that is brian mcknight wearing a motherfucking vest under a motherfucking pair of overalls with no motherfucking shirt beneath either of them.

motherfuck.

6.  Is it still stalking if she never sees you? …yes, creepy ass Lionel Richie, it is.  this video has ALWAYS weirded me out.  i think that’s partially because Lionel Richie himself just kinda makes me feel weird.  imagine being out in the wild and you see a ferocious lion…who just happens to have a jheri curl.  you’d be confused, right?  you would’t know whether to be afraid and run for your life, or walk up to it and try to show it a better way of doing things.  that’s what Lionel Richie looks like to me.  very talented guy but… something is always just a little off.

watching him stalk a blind student of him in this video didn’t help settle and of that for me.  i mean first of all, even if you weren’t a creepy stalker, she’s still your student which is, at the very least, hella immoral.  but considering that you ARE a creepy stalker and are in ALL this girl’s classes watching her dance and shit, rubbin on walls while she pirouettes…inappropriate, Lionel.  very much so.

she was a pretty talented sculptor though; she captured his juicy lionness perfectly.

7. Holy Cameo’s codpiece, Batman! i… i actually don’t know what to say about this.  Larry Blackmon of Cameo wore a codpiece.  in the 1980s.  a time when nobody had any business wearing a codpiece.  why?  why did that happen?  do you think he still has it on now?  it’s very unsettling and uber distracting.  to illustrate how distracting that sumbitch is, i will tell you that im so turned off by the codpiece that i dont even have any ill will toward the steve harvey/kid from kid n play hybrid lacefront hair piece on his head.  that’s pretty major.

there is some good to come of the codpiece, though (…pardon the pun?).  it’s an insult factory!  somebody snappin on you and you need a comeback?  consult the great codpiece of cameo.  walk into a dirty room and need a way to let people know how you feel about the state of affairs?  ‘ugh, it smells like Cameo’s codpiece in here!!’  ladies, being pursued by someone who repulses you?  ‘ugh, i’d rather lick the inside of Cameo’s codpiece!’  somebody being generally foolish and u need to let them know it?  ‘ugh, you oughta be smacked in the face with Cameo’s codpiece!!’  and so on and so forth.  you can use those.  i give you permission. (but if they somehow make you famous, IM COMIN AFTER YOU FOR MY SHARE OF THE MONEY!)

8. Tank could have some personality disorders.  and possibly ‘roid rage. aaaah, Tank.  i LOVE me some Tank.  not too terrible on the eyes.  got the nice ex-stripper body goin on.  i’m guessing his biggest song, and definitely one of my favorites (to be all the way real, i think i only know two of his songs), is ‘maybe i deserve.’  i love this song because the concept is creative, he’s got a nice voice, and he randomly snaps as he’s singing.  like i really think he was in the studio havin some post-traumatic flashbacks and slips up and lets the anger go a couple of times.  the first time is around the 1:51 mark when he asks her WHO THE HELL YOU TRYNA IMPRESS?  (LOL).  oh, and then there’s the part where he tries to choke her out not long after.

…!

it’s okay though!  after that he leaves the manic stage and admits that its all his fault!  he’s insecure!  but then she admits cheating on him and suspiciously, that’s where the story ends!  WHERE IS SHE, TANK??!  WHAT’D YOU DO WITH THE GIRL, HUH??!

also,  remember the song ’slowly?’  omg.  this is my favorite Tank song, and one of the songs that i’d like to conceive my first child to.  in this song, that whole aggressive i-could-snap-ur-neck-if-i-wanted-to thing really works in his favor, cause u know he’s not gonna snap it this time, just grip it gently.  maybe run his thumb across it while he does.  ….*ahem*  so!  im video surfin on youtube one day, and i realized id never seen the video, so i look it up expecting something super, super sexy to match the super sexy song and what i got instead was 8 minutes of shit that don’t go together at all.  i won’t go into detail; i’ll just let you see for yourself.  i will say that i blame r. kelly for this video format, though.

9.  Oh shit, David Ruffin is back from the dead?  and making reggae music?! you know, i have trouble separating the great Leon from the characters he portrays.  my favorite, by far:  well, its a toss up between Little Richard in the Little Richard Story and David Ruffin in the Temptations movie.  i usually call him David Ruffin though, and that up there in the bold print is what i said when i ran across this:  Leon got a group!

LOL don’t they look like a brokedown Arrested Development?

i tried to listen to the music seriously, but everytime Leon finishes a verse i see him doing the David Ruffin spin and i just can’t take any of it seriously.

10.  That’s just… nasty. okay.  i listen to some ignorant ass music.  i listen to some stuff that stands in explicit contrast to my actual factual personal convictions and beliefs.  misogynist, violent, homophobic, unabashedly whorish.  but it’s art, right?  i think it’s possible to enjoy things that are out of ur personal character for art’s sake.

Sons of Funk’s ‘pushin inside of you’ is pushin my limits though.  i mean..lol.  there’s sexiness in being direct, but just spelling it out like that?  you have to sing a song about how you’re pushin inside of me?  someone didn’t learn the fine art of being coy.  i mean why stop there?  let’s just use the clinical terms if we’re gonna spell it out! ‘female, i enjoy/the sensation that i experience/when my penis is inside your vaginal waaaaalls/i am in favor of/the various sounds you emit/as i engage in coitus with yooooou’ might as well!!

…id totally make out with somebody to this song in a club though.  let me not act like i’m 100% too good.  more like 87%. also, barack obama seems to like it. (<-wtf?)

This Wednesday at DEVIL’S PIE, we’ll be featuring the ONLY mashup artist that I will publicly admit liking: SIIK.

Actually, I still cringe even using the word “mashup” anywhere on this blog. But that’s what most accurately describes what SIIK does. He takes the acapella of one song and combines it with a different instrumental. Seems simple enough? Wrong. What I like about SIIK’s remixes (a less-negatively associated term) is that he’s able to marry pop/rnb/rap acapellas with soulful instrumentals in a way that completely transforms the vibe of the song.

Take his Amerie remix for example. This is the one that got SIIK his 15 minutes. He transforms the original club banger, produced by Rich Harrison, who sampled the hard funk ofThe Meters, into a smoothed out head-nodder/two-stepper by surgically attaching a nice Nujabes instrumental to Amerie’s raw vocals.

DOWNLOAD: Amerie – “One Thing (Siik Remix)

Yes, I said surgical. Surgery requires training, experience, and skill. Proper “mashups” aren’t simply beat matching two different sources and smacking them on top of each other. You have to match the keys of the tracks (which SIIK is amazing at), you have match differing rhythmic swings of the tracks, you have to edit song arrangements so that musically they fit snugly, and you also have to mix the vocals just right so that they can fit sonically with the instrumental. The reason why I can’t stand mashups is because 1. their producers usually don’t take into account all those steps and end up with a terrible sounding mix and 2. nine times out of ten, they are just party songs made into more-partying party songs. I want to hear something creative and risky.

My favorite SIIK remix is “Step In The Name Of Love”:

DOWNLOAD: R. Kelly – “Step In The Name Of Love” (Siik Remix)

R. Kelly’s two step anthem (a staple record in my crate) and one of Kanye’s dopest instrumentals, used by 213 & reinterpreted by Alicia Keys, match each other like Roach & Pacquiao: perfect.

Download more SIIK remixes and dj mixes at his website: siik.org

And come through this Wednesday to hear him play live:

I feel like its already understood that this guy has problems… and I know people that really don’t care about those problems and are going to listen to the music regardless of what he has done in the past… but doesn’t this make you feel like he is singing to a 13 year old… smh..

And Tyrese… no comment for you…

OJ Da Juiceman Ft R.Kelly-Poppin(2)