He/she extends their long weekend of “fishing with the boys or “bonding with old friends” till the following Wednesday…

He/she sneaks in the house with “I’m a cheating ass” written on their forehead in the form of tell tale signs of another oozing from their pores…

He/she has taken you for granted and pushed your patience to infinity and beyond…

He/she has embarrassed you in public one time too many…

He/she drinks too much, talks too much,  flirts too much, and in every way is just simply tooooo much – which of course means they are NOT MUCH AT ALL!

So, what do you do? You file something! File for a divorce, if you were unfortunate enough to get suckered to that degree – file for “kiss my ass you ASS  -   file for “Oh no friggin way am I putting up with your ass another minute!” File it under “lessons learned the bloody hard way” or  “I will never date an ass again!” or “I am sick of you, you cheating son of a – YOU ARE so DONE!”  Really doesn’t matter which, just file something! Anything with the word “FINAL,” “OVER” or “DONE” in it will do, even if it’s just in your head or out loud to yourself in the mirror – Just MEAN it and stick to your guns!

Now, pack up all their crap not so lovingly into garbage bags…(NOTE – make sure you use the cheap kind, so they’ll fall apart as soon as they pick them up)  then place them strategically on the lawn ensuring a clear view for all passersby.

Then go make yourself look totally, completely, unbelievably and ILLEGALLY HOT! I mean smokin! Do NOT chintz out or rush here! I am talking so HOT, steam is coming out of places you didn’t know you had!

Then sit on the front steps – wait for the ass to arrive with his/her next excuse…(NOTE:  you will need a CD player, and there is some prep time involved for the following final step)

The ass pulls up; they step from the vehicle and stand staring dumbfounded – you’ll be able to smell the burning caused from the B.S and lies spontaneously combusting in their small minds.

Now put your finger on the play button and cue the following medley of music - only the best parts needed to create a joyous result. (pick to suit situation)

“Baggage Claim”

“Gun powder and lead”

“Take this job and shove it”

“Before he cheats”

“I can see Clearly now”

As their mouth remains open, and not a word has passed their lips…you can’t hear them anyway cause the music’s too loud – they will be staring at your “now unobtainable hotness”  -  the final song begins…CRANK IT UP!!!

“CAN’T TOUCH THIS!”

Having someone standing by with a camera to capture the pathetic expression on their face…PRICELESS!

That song is, to me at least, the epitome of love. As a young girl hearing beautiful phrase after beautiful phrase, I thought yes, yes and yes! I want that kind of man!

Soooo, I wrote my first “list.”

6 ft 3, long dark hair, handsome, sexy and sarcastic. Kind, loving, caring and compassionate, funny and fun-loving. Family oriented, friendly to all, animals and those less fortunate included, love the Lord, but not be so heavenly minded that he’s no earthly good. Controlled, brilliant yet humble, and loves unconditionally with his whole heart.

So, I took my list and went hunting for the very first time.

Go ahead, ask me how the first hunt it went?……EXACTLY!!!  Back to the list.

How tall do I really need? Over 6ft will suffice, and handsome? Well, handsome to me will do, and I guess short, fair hair is good too, and if he’s too sarcastic I may kill him in his sleep soooo – let’s try it again…a hunting I went.

Aww man! Well, what I mean is… aww NO man!  Back to the drawing board.

Over 5 ft 10, attractive, and the ability to become sexy if induced with any substance, too kind can be annoying and compassionate? Well, my grandparents can give me that so scratch it. Love everyone including the less fortunate? Who am I kidding, like THAT’S important at all!  At least believe in God, have an IQ higher than his shoe size and let’s just pretend humble was never on the list in the first place!

Back into the world I went…And like the frustrated Elmer Fudd after another failed attempt at the illusive Bugs…I got NOTTA! All the ones that even remotely displayed some of the above characteristics, were either married, dead, or twelve!

Fed up, I scrunched up the stupid, now barely legible list, whipped it angrily into the trash, took out a fresh sheet of paper and wrote…

NOT A SERIAL KILLER!

So you think your the cat’s ass? Have you ever seen a cat’s ass? It’s a shriveled up,  puckered hole completely visible at all times! The cat brushes up against you, raising ‘it’ even further in the air…ensuring a close up. Then turns around and makes another pass, in case you missed it the first time!  Yeah, I guess some people really are exactly like the cat’s ass!

‘Fishing’ – dating terminology

K…So first problem. You put your bait on the hook and throw it in the water…The fish, your future mate, bites down. “PAIN” immediately! While it’s bleeding and thinking…”What the frig is happening to me, it was wiggling right in front of me and I only wanted a bite,” you yank the rod back hard, ensuring the hook becomes imbedded in the jaw so it can’t get away from you. AGONY! And it would need therapy, if it was gonna live. Next, you haul it in, remove the hook, and throw it on the ground to suffocate, slowly and alone! Not dying fast enough? You get the mallet and bonk it over the head until dead! NICE! Then, you take it home, skin it, gut it, cut it up, and eat it!

Yeah, not the greatest metaphor for convincing someone a relationship is a good thing…Just proves – being the one that didn’t get away – can really SUCK!

‘Hurts so Good’

Really? Well let’s see. You forget our dinner date, then make me feel invisible on the one you do manage to keep; don’t help with anything; don’t give a crap of what may be occurring in my world; sit on your ass and watch sports by the hour while having nothing to say to me, except to make fun of me when I screw up; buy me tickets for my birthday to your team’s home game, and are generally “just good at the hurt” part – Dude,  you had better be the most loving, kind, absolute amazing Knight in freaking shining armor, comparable only to something straight out of a Harlequin Romance Novel until I forget you’re an ASS…because I swear, you utter one coarse word, raise your hand or reach for your belt in bed, you’ll be sucking your next meal through a straw – and I can’t promise I’ll see the puree button!

lol

Trick question….doesn’t matter – no one cares!

I am wonderful…He is an ASS!

I have great hair…HE is an ASS!

I am sooooo funny…HE is an ASS!

I am a fighter…HE is an ASS!

I am intelligent, aware, and wise…why? Because I figured out  – HE is an ASS, ASS, ASS!

Affirmative! Now you try. Type in appropriate gender/emotions and say…”I am blank, and blank in an ASS!”

Keep affirming; you’re gonna fly high baby.

Till next time. xo

And I am NOT talking looks, metabolisms, talent etc. I am talking attitude, general compassion, and oh, I don’t know…a BRAIN!?!

Obviously, those of us willing to stand in line, felt it important to get some of the above, and that ‘early knowledge alone,‘ reveals we ALREADY had plenty; guess we should have brought the extras back in doggie bags for you IDIOTS instead!

Seriously, you wait over night in the pouring rain for the ‘new Jordan’s, or from the crack of dawn, are willing to trample people just to get a bargain on Black Friday, or camp out in below freezing conditions for 30 plus hours for ‘Ozzy tickets,’ but a free brain that you can use everyday, didn’t interest you? Yeah whatever, smoke another one – IDIOTS!