The BarBeQuethMinistry! has been in business for one whole year!  It has turned out to be a very fun, fulfilling and profitable hobby (thanks to JRP and Famous Dave’s!).  My stat counter confirms that I have legitimate readers from all over the world (shout out to Punjab, Pakistan!) and WordPress tells me that I have 361 subscribers (whatever that means) and many dozens of pingbacks and links.  Also fueled by the Famous Dave’s campaign and the mysterious power of CandyLand, the BarBeQuethMinistry! has been catapulted to well over 100,000 hits, as well as spending many weeks as the #1 Independent Fundamental Baptist blog!  Wow, thanks for reading.  I’m honored.

So, we’re celebrating here at the BarBeQuethMinistry! world wide headquarters by starting a new blog.  Not that I’ll be doing much more blogging but I’ll be concentrating the food talk here:

thefunfoodie.wordpress.com

It’s still very much in its infancy, but, if you’re into food, I think you’ll find it interesting.  The BarBeQuethMinistry! will take on much more of a personal feel, with more of an emphasis on NepomuceNews and Random Ramblings.  Whichever direction you go, thanks for sticking around!

So Semin has been gone a while… Again… Like every season… But this time the injury is a “sore wrist” instead of something legit sounding.

It’s very questionable sounding and it’s so hard not to make dirty jokes about it. It’s killing me. I kind of miss Semin. But, I always forget how bad people suck when they don’t play. How long can a sore wrist keep you out? It’s been a really long time.

In fact I think the Caps are lying to protect us. I think Semin’s hand fell off.

Just like off: poof. He probably wandered into Kettler clutching it in his good hand and took ten minutes to convince Ovie it wasn’t a left over Halloween joke. They then tried to tape it back on but sometimes even duck tape can’t fix everything.

He’s probably waiting for his custom ordered Caps colored hook to come in before he can play and those custom orders always take forever. He’ll be the first pirate hockey player.

I think if Semin had a hook it’d be pretty cool. With his accent and his hook he’ll be one eye patch and gnarly facial scar away from being an awesome Bond villian.

When he got a penalty for hooking it’d be literally.

And, that picture of him with the wrist thingie on is a ruse to get us to be calm. That’s a fake hand.

But, no worries Semin hooks are pretty cool. Sure they get a bad rap; villians always have them but I mean no one would try to fight you. Not that they aren’t already terrified of your windmills.

I say bring on Alex “hookie” Semin. It’s not like we haven’t called him a dirty hooker before. Now it’s just about his actual hook instead of his penalties.

And, if one of you lovely readers have more Photoshop skill than I and would like to make a picture of Semin with a hook and an eyepatch I would put it on here and love it forever.

Fffdsseryuiikmnvcxzdfhjkourewsfbb

TODAY’s OBSESSION:
Cute Winter Gear!

TODAY’s LOOK:
Look Ma, I Survived Black Friday ‘09!

SKIN: Belleza
HAIR: Sixty Nine – Glow 10 in Dark Brown
SWEATER: Boom – The Cashmere in Cream
JACKET: Apple May Designs – Elle Jacket in Brown
PANTS: Paper.Doll - Classic Denim in Black Wash 
HAT: Epoque - Baggy Knit Hat (50L Friday)
SHOES: AW Designs - Schoo in Leopard
POSES: !Femme

TODAY’s SONG:
No Doubt – It’s My Life
Gwen and crew is just BOMB!

It’s funny how I found myself in love with you
If I could buy my reasoning I’d pay to lose
One half won’t do
I’ve asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?
Well it’s my life
Don’t you forget
It’s my life
It never ends

TODAY’s RAMBLINGS:
I used to work retail many many years ago (freshman in college) and worked through 3 years of Black Friday.. and since that time, i refuse, absolutely REFUSE to run out shopping like a maniac for those limited time sales. I am just not that insane! That however didn’t stop me from doing the sales here in SL! I fought through the lag and ran over some heifers to get towards what i wanted, i did the 50Ls Friday sales as well as other stores and i came away with too much and spent even more! I’m holding myself down from posting all the 50L Friday goodies right away, mainly because everyone has done them already, I plan on incorporating them into my everyday look (swear this blog is my excuse to shop) as always so you’ll be seeing them float around from time to time.

I, however, couldn’t stop myself from posting about the Cape Cod skybox from Molto Bene!. Only 50Ls for 3 rooms with changeable walls and flooring and seriously it made me squeal! All my pics were taken in it, and I know its super empty right now but I’m slowly starting to furnish it. I adore it so much and what started out as simply another studio for pictures is quickly turning into my new home.

Wait.. this is a fashion blog right? I forget sometimes with my rambling! Jacket is the newest release from Apple May Designs and at only 100Ls each it’s an incredible bargain, what’s even better is the fat pack of 5 colors is only 375Ls! I know, why buy separate when you can just fatpack it! The shoes are one of my faves and was bought a year ago it seems! I’ve never blogged them before and they definitely deserve the attention. Incredibly well made and selling for a super fair price, AW Designs is seriously WIN for these, plus they come in funky patterns, I happen to have on the Leopard (rawwwr). I did say i would try to not blog any 50Ls Friday items just yet, but i couldn’t help myself with Epoque’s baggy knit cap, its color changeable and too friggin adorable not for me to sport. Lastly, i need to send a shout out to the incredible Aranel Ah of Boom, her new cashmere sweaters are what yummie fall and winter dreams are made of! Gorgeously made and comes in a variety of colors and layers to mix and match with all your favorite clothing items.

Gotta say it, I’m feelin’ all sorts of cute, all this shopping and I didn’t even have to cut a bitch!
Oh!! BIG UPS to Marls Vaughan of Coffee Smoke just for being one kick ass chickadee with an awesome blog!

For the weekend i came back to Southampton with my Friend from uni. Originally we were going to go see Jedward with two others but then they cancelled (Jedward did) so it kinda fell through and my plans of getting a life time ban from Oceana went with them..

Anyway we went to Oceana anyway to drink. Oceana isnt that great. There was an obese girl dressed as a nurse leaning over onto a rail and i actually WANTED to die. Though not actually die because to die would be a bit… extreme to say the least…

We went then went to Reflex. It was full of old people. Never touch Southampton on a Friday. It’s funny at first.. but then gets kind of creepy. All in all though, it was generally an amusing night.  However the rain swiftly murdered me… as it decided to piss down the second we left the club and went for the night bus.. Which resulted in us both walking back to mine shivering lots and me taking a dailybooth picture to show how my hair was .. curly? That was the first time over the weekend i decided i disliked the rain.

According to twitter i woke up at 10:28 the following day “next to Katie in an Edward Cullen tshirt” This got a mixed response. The best one being from Darren who tld me to kick her. I told him i threw her out of a window. Edward Cullen is slowly polluting the minds of the world and could potentially as i mention lots.. control lots of women so that they go forth and burn down a small country. Like Paris.

We left my house and it was fine.. semi sunny, so it was like “YES! Fuck you rain! I WIN!” Went to Portsmouth and met Katies twin which was kinda weird at first because you see it and its like “Woahhhhh” or at least thats how i react in my mind when i see twins. Like when i saw John Cox and his twin on facebook. My mind was BLOWN. I actually went crazy. Maybe.

Portsmouth is dying i think. Theres a massive outlet place called Gumwharf Quays and last time i went there i was with Pav, Dave and Doug… so AAAAAGES AGO! When i went this time all the surf shops had died and pretty much had… well nothing there i liked and had halved the amount of stuff they had out, and then the other shops.. well they’re shit anyway.

Went to Southampton to get a new iPhone plug and what do you know. HI RAIN! This continued all the way back down the motorway and on the way back which is why i wanted the rain to go away. Normally im confident driving but on the way back on my own the rain was wayyy too heavy and knocked out most of my visibility. It made massive puddles, one of which caused my car which Fawn has named “Sasha” after JD’s scooter, into the next lane (Thank god noone was next to me :S)
When i got back i was just grateful to have not crashed out there, and when Mum and Dad were like “we ordered Pizza. Go get it please?” I died a little bit inside. I DIED.

That;’s my weekend… basically i hate the rain. I REALLY hate the rain. I don’t even know why. I think i have this crazy parallel with the weather and rain just triggers some mental hatred which then gets fully directed towards the rain. The rain should die.

After Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, her autobiographical novel chronicling her first mental breakdown — the liner notes said it was funny! — I thought I’d move to something more lighthearted, an author I know little about, Charles Bukowski. I’m reading the Post Office, another autobiographical piece, chronicling the rise and fall of Henry Chinaski, Bukowski’s alter ego, in the U.S. postal system.

Bukowski is much more funny than Sylvia Plath.

He’s a jerk. In between books, sitting on a couch with my iPhone, I of course had to read all about them both. I know much more about Plath  than Bukowski, but what I learned about Bukowski is that, unlike Plath, who died much too young, at her own doing, he developed a coping mechanism for his depression, and that was booze. You might call him a survivor. So I was thinking it’s too bad Plath never took up any vices.

So when I got home — I spent the last week in L.A. We had just gone down to Tempe for Chuck’s Ironman triathlon, and then on our way home last Monday, stopped for a rest that would last several days, in Banning, California, population 27,000, just outside of Beaumont, and twenty miles from Palm Springs, starting with hanging with Officer Babcock for an hour on the sidewalk in front of the AMPM, sniffing in the odors of Chuck’s SUV’s blown transmission fluid, which took our minds off the Ironman and onto other things, like just what are we going to do down here in Southern California, now that we can’t leave ’til the transmission is replaced, which is never going to happen today or tomorrow or the next day, because it’s Thanksgiving. Like, what do people do here besides drive around, quickly. You never see them outside, unless they are walking to their cars.

We drove his rent-a-car, a PT Cruiser, maroon, to the Montebello mall. His son David, who housed us a couple of nights,  recommended it. He said we could get go see real life pregnant teenagers. He did not disappoint!

There was no book store in this mall, just a Hallmark card store, a newspaper stand that sold junk food, pregnant teenagers, and clothing and shoe stores with flashing lights in the ceilings.

My iPhone pointed us to Barnes and Noble’s, so we drove the five miles and twenty traffic lights across town, and there I chose three books, all by their covers, because I’ve never been let down in this way: Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar; Bukowski’s Post Office; and Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights, the best cover of them all.

So, when I got home — I thought I never might; Chuck’s driving back to Banning, seven hours away, right this very second – back on a regular computer, I of course had to go reading about Bukowski.

Here is Linda Lee Bukowski, reminiscing about her true love for him, plus Bukowski himself. He’s a riot!

I can’t wait to read all about Brontë and Wuthering Heights.

I live in a noisy house and I have compromised with this fact. But the more annoying thing is that I also have one noisy neighbor. Why must they be noisy is a question I have failed to find an answer for.

Let me first describe the noisy neighbor. Well, they are tenants who live on the ground floor while I live immediately above them with my parents on the first floor of this 8-floor block of building. They are a family having a kid who is about 6 or 7 yrs old. Additionally, they have a servant boy who lives with them throughout the day. The lady of the house I think is a school teacher as she returns home much earlier than her husband in the evening.

Almost every morning I wake up not to the sound of my alarm clock, but to the sound of Radio City FM 91.1. No amount of complaining has yielded any result. The annoying part of this complaint is that somehow, the noise from their radio reaches only my room and it cannot be heard loud enough in any other part of my 3-bedroom house. I now know that it is their servant who plays the radio so loud that it affects me. The moment I call up their house over the intercom he shuts the radio off and it remains silent for the rest of the day. But the situation goes back to square one the very next day, as soon as the man and the lady of the house leave for their work and the kid goes to the school.

The servant boy seriously needs some counselling. Looking at him, my guess is that he comes from some remote village of the Kumaon hills and he speaks barely good enough Hindi. I am surprised that the family has not taught him anything about the ways of living in an urban neighborhood. What’s more surprising is that only I have raised voice in the neighborhood. There are like 3 other flats where the loud noise of their radio reaches and yet they have never complained. Given the isolation of my complaint I don’t think the management committee of this housing society will serve them any notice to control the noise.

But anyways I can’t expect the noisy neighbor to teach some sense to the boy. They themselves are very noisy. Their kid, being a brat, tends to create a ruckus in the room directly below mine and his mom shouts at him every now and then.

One night I was working in my room. As soon as midnight approached, I heard the loud noise of clapping and singing of ‘happy birthday to you‘. It unnerved me. I was in the middle of something important and it broke my chain of thoughts. And then as an icing on the cake, I heard the lady singing a romantic song to her husband. Which one? Here it is – Aapki nazaron ne samjha pyaar ke kabil mujhe. How romantic! Just one glitch madam, please keep your volume down, you have a neighbor who can actually hear you sing despite the thick flooring of his house! X-(

Hello everyone, the new site is nearly done:)

All I have to do is add loads of content, the more I work on this new site the more I realize that it feel like I’m leaving a record of my geeekyness for the rest of time.

The new site should be fun, its got a forum(the one that i have been testing for the last couple of months)

Blogs,user blogs,game reviews on many formats,book reviews,film reviews, music,fun and games,and the podcast.

Theres loads more stuff that it will have, but I guess you will have to wait to the 1st of Jan for the new and improved site www.1hourmonthlypodcastshow.co.uk

I haven’t blogged in over a week.  I haven’t been able to write my daily graces, or my thanksgiving post, or even the random thoughts and rants I’ve had running through my head for the last week.  I am alive though.  I unfortunately was very busy traveling, spending time with family, homework, and preparing for my capstone for my master’s.  Schoolwork has taken over my life.  Capstone will be over on Monday, by 8:30pm. I cannot wait. Until then friends, I will be scarce. I hope everyone is doing well and had a wonderful thanksgiving, vacation, and holiday!

It’s that time of year again. It’s freezing in your house (think 60 degrees Fahrenheit), and your mother refuses to turn on the heater due to exorbitant fees. Meanwhile, you can’t feel your fingers or toes and will surely drop dead at any moment. But not to worry. You’re not alone. I am here to commiserate with you, and being a sufferer of extremely bad blood circulation myself,  my years of experience have given me enough expertise to offer a few tips (Ok, so not really, but this is what I do, and if you want to try it too, that’s cool).

1) Dress in layers. Preferably a long undershirt of some kind (if you don’t have one, ask your mom. She probably does), but a tight tank top that blocks out the cold air can also be quite helpful. Next stack on one or two layers of long-sleeve shirts, or a one long-sleeve shirt and a sweater (or, if you’re daring, two layers and then a sweater). If you’re still cold, add a winter coat jacket. Yes, you will feel ridiculous  looking like an inflated marshmallow in your own house, but trust me, it works wonders. Slippers are a must, as socks really aren’t quite enough to keep your feet warm. If this still isn’t enough for you because you just have an abnormally low resistance to cold like me, wear a warm scarf.  An absolute last resort is mittens. If you are still cold, continue down the list.

2) Run your hands repeatedly under the faucet with scorching hot water. Do this with caution, obviously, as you don’t want to burn yourself (and be careful about desensitizing yourself after sticking your hands under for long periods of time), but doing this a couple of times will definitely help you stay warm. Putting your hands to your cheek immediately after will be especially rewarding.

3) An equally effective alternative is drinking something hot. Even if it’s something as simple as hot water, just fill the cup with boiling water and sit with your hands around it for a couple minutes and when it’s cooled down enough, take some nice, deep sips. Other good options are tea and hot chocolate.

4) Shut yourself in a room with a bunch of computers on, preferably at least two desktops. Just keep the door closed and the room will gradually become very insulated. Not a very quick way to get warm, but if you stay in the room for the most of the day, you are guaranteed to stay quite warm.

5) Wrap yourself in an electric blanket and turn it up to the highest degree of heat. Apply to whichever section of your body is the coldest. If your upper body is more prone to coldness, wrap it around your shoulders like a shawl. If it’s your legs and feet that are more sensitive, just cover them constantly with the blanket. If you are fortunate enough to have two electric blankets, that’s definitely a double win.

If none of these are enough for you, start begging and moaning about how cold it is. Or write posts like this one so your parents will feel bad enough that they’ll want to turn on the heater out of shame. I’ll admit that we’ve all given in at various points, but for now I can say rather cheerfully that I am wearing 3 layers and wrapped in an electric blanket sitting in a room full of computers with no heater on. While my feet are still quite cold, I can at least feel my hands, and that is certainly something to be thankful for. Welcome to the holiday season.

Thanksgiving is over, I’m making stock as I write this – soup for dinner tonight – it’s a very blustery day here! There is a lot going on this week for us – for one – I have to prepare for a bus trip to Paris Island, SC with my sister. As I mentioned in my previous post – my older nephew is graduating from Boot Camp, and we’re going down for the ceremony and to bring him home. {{So happy}} We leave on Tuesday morning, and we will return home on Sunday.

This trip is going to take a lot of planning though. We’re talking about 24+ hr bus rides here. We not only do not  have the budget for, we don’t have the stomachs for eating over-priced greasy food offered at the bus stations where we are to meet our connecting busses along the way. Especially my sister, who has had her gallbladder removed.Those of you who have had this procedure done will understand , I am sure. So, I will be packing food for us to bring for the ride there, and we’ll stop at a market to re-stock for the ride home.

Aside from that – I’m looking for travel friendly crochet projects to bring along to work on. I started a pillow that is going to have a snowflake attached to the front – the pillow itself is definitely going to be a bus-ride worthy project. Small, no complex pattern repeats, nor complex stitches to worry about keeping concise – it’s straight sc all the way.

Of course, we also have to pack our clothes – the blue outfits we have to wear for the graduation ceremony itself will be in our carry on – No way are we chancing having it lost along the way. Anything else, while it would be inconvenient, we could improvise if there is a need.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on a trip of any kind. The first trip with just my sister. It’s going to be wonderful!

charm bracelets?

or charm necklace?

can i have both??

ok..any one of these..i promise i will be a good girl *winks*

Good lord, I haven’t posted anything since August? I need to get back in this habit. I miss it. But how to catch up?

My life over the past year and a half, Cliff’s Notes style: I found a new town and fell in love with it. Built a house. Moved my family. Now have impossibly large children, aged 14, 12 and 10. Cut off 10 inches of hair. Had surgery and recovered from it, but now have to wear a %$#@ing medic alert bracelet for the rest of my days. Gained ten pounds, lost ten pounds. Got the kids acclimated to a new town, new climate and new schools. Adopted a dog. Recovered from a nasty case of pneumonia a month ago. Helped my youngest brother raise a whole lot of money for Parkinson’s Research in our dad’s honor, and then watched said brother run the New York Marathon. Became an aunt for the seventh time (welcome to the world, Finnley Hawk!) Haven’t met him yet. Need to fix that. In 18 months, have consumed approximately 1,628 cups of coffee.

So here we are. Moving forward…

Have you ever had a feeling of suffocation in your own home? I suppose it is fairly common, and can even be called something to the effect of “teenage-itis.” The only problem is that I only have about three weeks left in my teens. If this was going to happen, it should have occurred before now. I should be more truthful with myself; it has. I have just never been so aggravated at home before now. I feel as though something akin to an enemy army is living under my roof. It honestly feels like the Civil War and where Union soldiers felt entitled to intrude upon Southern families and say they had a right to take over their homes. I just want out of this situation that was forced upon me. I can’t do anything without having to watch my step. I am sick of eating food that is unhealthy, greasy, and not very appetizing when ever that one decides to grace the kitchen with her presence. I should be fair though, it is not all bad, but I am a health nut, and our family has some health issues that she just seems so determined to ignore; really, when we say that we cannot eat certain types of food, it is not to hurt your feelings, it is because we can’t or we will shorten out life spans by years and possible send ourselves to much more untimely graves. I know that one is trying to be helpful, and that it is not the most ideal situation, but really, I had hoped that my sibling had more of an eye for class. The food is not that big of a deal. Neither are half of the other things that should bug me. What bothers me most of all is that that one is like a child in so many respects and does not act with much class. Who smacks like a cow while eating? Who dresses like they are five? Who squeals whenever the least bit of excitement overcomes them? Who, in their right mind, says, “Opps,” for everything? I am so tempted to give a dictionary and thesaurus for Christmas. Lord, just the way that one holds herself when she sits and walks is abhorrent. Have some respect for yourself instead of hunching over everything.

I know that she has a good heart. I know that she is sensitive, that is why I have not said anything to her, and I am trying, oh how I am trying, to be kind. I only rant here because the steam builds up inside of me, and I need a release, somewhere, anywhere, in a fashion that does not hurt her nor my brother. I trust that he chose her for the right reasons. I trust that she chose him for the right reasons. I have to. I love them both, but, and there is always a but, things grate on my nerves, and I am not a demure personality, so they need to come out somehow. My brother grates on my nerves more than she does, because he does not see the impropriety of the whole situation, and has no haste to rectify the situation. He just expects us to welcome this stranger into our lives with open arms by bringing her home to live with us for an undetermined amount of time. He expects everything to be like it always has been, and doesn’t really understand why it can’t be. He gets frustrated when it isn’t. Newsflash! Things have changed forever by your actions. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. I am sorry to say that I cannot wait till they are finally able to move out. I do love them, but confined spaces are not good for animals, nor humans. I have spent more and more time at school and in libraries rather than spending time at home because it is like more of a battlefield here than OChem is. I can’t talk to her, she may be like a sister, but I cannot fully treat her like family due to the lack of familiarity, and my brother just doesn’t understand that. I have known her all of a month, if that, and that is not enough time for me to form a strong bond with her on any front. I know that things like this take time, but sometimes time is not at hand. They are a good match, and that is what it is really about. They are the ones that the matter really concerns. I must remember that. I just wish that I didn’t have to be part of their “getting to know each other” period, which should have been their honeymoon, by themselves. This is just a very awkward situation, and I don’t have any extra energy to give to it. I have my own path that I must follow, and it does not allow me  to take time and watch the scenery. These are the times where I want to move away from home, regardless of the enormous debt it would place me in. Med school away from SD is looking better and better. At the very least, I just want to get away for a week or two. I need my own space away from everything here. I need to grow up more in the worldly sense, and I can only do some of that once I move away from this protective shelter that my parents have created for me. I just need to get away from this oppressive suffocation.

She is sweet. I cannot imagine what she is going through here; I would never have allowed myself to be put in a situation this awkward. I think I just harp on her unappealing qualities because she is an easy target right now. I am more upset with my brother, whom I dearly love, but resent for all of this. It’s not the marriage, but the living situation. I don’t begrudge them anything, I just want my privacy and personal bubble back. I miss that bubble.

Last night before sleeping, I shed tears because I knew that things will be really different starting today. I couldn’t contain my sadness. This morning, the tears fell again. But for a different reason. My maternal grandmother is in the hospital. I call her my “manasmi”. I was shocked. I thought she was at the peak of health even at her age. She was a really strong woman.  I can’t imagine her confined to a hospital bed. God, I hope she’s alright. Or that she will be  soon. I’m not yet ready for… I would rather not discuss it. Let’s not go there. Please pray for her. I really miss her. She was the one who took care of me when I was young. My father was overseas and my mom was working in Manila. I was left in her care, and my uncles. I was the only “apo” and “pamangkin” on their side of the family for so long. I feel a little lost right now…

I wish I'd see her this happy when we visit her tomorrow.

—  Manasmi,

Please be okay.

Well, when he left 3 months ago – he was “just” my older nephew. When Sis and I embark on our 24+ bus ride to Paris Island this Tuesday, he’ll be on his way to being a Private First Class Marine – a rank he earned before he went to boot camp. He’ll be home for a Month – most importantly- he will be home for his 18th birthday, and the rest of this holiday season – even New Years – before he heads off to Camp Lejeune for more training.

He’s the one in the middle. We’re so proud of him, and have missed him so much. I am SO psyched about the trip with my sister. She’s a little stressed (anxiety issues) – fortunately she works retail, so a 5 day relief from that and all it entails will be as great a motivator as bringing her baby home

Aptly put:

Letting go isn’t a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again.

I really think thought that i can let go.

Resolution set, with no other way out.

Then one picture of you shatters all my determination.

You are beautiful.

I was just scolded, a few days ago,

for letting everything link back to you.

But i can’t seem to help it.

You were such an integral part of my life.

It did revolve around you, sadly

and that was perhaps why i couldn’t give you the space you wanted.

That picture of you,

broke my heart once more.

Whatever happened to

“I’ll never expose my arms in public”

Well, there we go, up on facebook.

Then again, what right do i have to make you stick to your words?

Then again, what do i mean to you, such that you could tell me one thing, then do another?

I’m an idiot.

So much of what i do,

reminds me of the past,

when life was like a dream,

true, there were bad times,

but being with you made me feel so happy and blessed.

Might have grumbled a bit about your constant mood swings,

but then again, we had good days.

Now, we hardly talk or sms.

And any conversation on msn or real life, had become so cold and detached.

Conversation with my secondary school friends about one of their BGR problems,

how optimistic they were, in such similar circumstances.

I found myself believing once more…

If this is some screwed up attempt to make me focus on my studies,

STOP.

You aren’t making it any easier.

I need someone here FOR me, not away FROM me.

When everything reminds me of you,

once a best friend,

once more than a friend,

once an almost lover.

The hurt locker is open,

and i am overwhelmed.

You hold the key to my heart,

then, and even now.

I am told to let go,

I am also told to believe.

Can you please tell me,

why, why, why?

I miss you so much.

I can’t even hate you for breaking my heart.

I can’t even mean the angry words i say.

I can’t even stop wondering…

Believing…

There’s so much i want need to talk to you about,

but i guess you won’t give me that chance huh?

When best friends turn into strangers,

on a pursuit of a distant happiness

that is not meant to be.

When best friends turn into strangers,

one lone soul overwhelmed by sadness

the other chooses not to see.

When best friends turn into strangers,

how i curse this hopelessness

heaven has bestowed upon me.

My heart pains me once more in the wee hours of a new day.

What a great start.

I’ve been told that i’m a great guy,

i deserve better.

But after all this,

how easily i’ve been abandoned,

I find it hard to believe.

In these words, in myself.

I wrote this out during the JCLP,

when i felt too emotionally tormented

never had the strength and energy to post it.

here goes.

(Listen)

The sound of the wind, raging yet tranquil
the hitchhiker’s dream broken and shattered
lover’s touch, devil’s kiss, how does it feel?
open your mind, things aren’t complicated.

The sound of the waves, pounding resilience.
a nightingale’s cry of imminent death
sing me a song of deafening silence
Samaritan, deal with the aftermath.

The sound of the earth, blocked out and muted
rose’s fragrance, scandals’ stench, let it go
senseless desires, emotions sedated
red raindrops fall in vain, the river flows.

The silence of day, tales of painful bliss
memory fragments of those sorely missed.

Your sentences, choice of words,

emotionally detached and cold.

Not a single sign of the days gone by.

Makes me wonder,

has the past ten months been a distant dream?

Just a random comment,

you look great in that skirt.

dear readers, now you see my problem.

She pops up in my mind so often.

sometimes i find it easy to distract myself,

but ever so often

i am flooded by these emotions.

got to fix that hurt locker asap.

Then once more,

another poem.

Day 2 of JCLP,

wrote it during the 2+ hr long conference call:

(Raison d’etre)

The ink flows, multitudes of ants running
desperate for freedom, power to live
in a hurry, end of the rope is burning
papers to write, and heavy sighs to heave.

The paper rustles, think of fallen leaves
the green paradise beyond these iron walls
papers of white, tales and stories i weave
a fantasy of how this iron door falls.

The screen flickers, remnants of flames dead
passion and zest, things now just memory
safe refuge momentarily in bed
the search for love, now is an odyssey.

The phone rings and customers are waiting
this smile a facade, of a man dying.

You are beautiful, in your own special way,
in fact, i believe all of us are.

I know many people, who strike me as people who are beautiful,

in soul, body and mind.

You may not be so perfect,
but i gave you the power to hurt or heal me.
Guess we all know what happened then.

Be careful when you give someone your heart because they might give it back to you in pieces.

I have never felt this helpless before.
I really want to take the road i now know like the back of my hand,
and stand right in front of you.

But

I know how that would affect you.
and i just want one of us to be happy,
since you have showed me, told me,
how resolved you are.

If so,

Be happy,

we have sacrificed too much for both of us to be sad.

I guess the last thing i can do for you,
is to let you go, and wish you everlasting happiness.

Thank you for the memories…

It’s getting real late/early, so i bid thee adieu

6.03 am

EDITED: 6.07

Even now, the only thought in my head is
How did we come to this?

Croatian Rhapsody

Sooth me to sleep.

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