… and so do the husbands/boyfriends.

So the episode starts as all the girls get ready to go to meet Vicki in FL. Gretchen and Tamra both tell the cameras they have no problem being fake and civil to each other but it won’t be anything genuine as they will be keeping each other “at arms length.” It seems V already knows Alexis and Tamra’s husbands will be there but the look of shock on her face upon Slade’s arrival means she was clueless he’d be there. But really? Slade miss camera time? Anyway, how crazy when V’s body turns PINK when he walked through the doors. She had more of an emotional response than Gretchen!

Okay, Lynne made me wince throughout the whole episode. I was reading one of the housewives blogs (I can’t remember whose) but they were saying it was a huge testament to what good of shape Lynne is in that she could go on a trip like that a week after major surgery. I guess, I mean, she’s puffy and loopy the whole time but… omg – “Thereths no allygadors you guys.” I can’t believe she scheduled her surgery while filming was going on?! Just wait a minute!

I have to say, I do enjoy the show more when all the girls get along. I don’t know if Vicki questioning Gretchen about Slade really came out of a place of concern for Gretchen or because she just hates Slade. I think she just doesn’t like Slade. Who knows why, but she certainly didn’t just start caring about the men in Gretchen’s life. Slade, and the fact that he never really goes away, has an element of the smarm. But at the same time, he is also obviously very into Gretchen. And I think he’s happy he’s got someone who is just as into him cause Lawd knows Jo was just not that into him. V would be so much happier, I think, if she just let that go. If this is a mistake, it’s Gretchen’s mistake so V ultimately needs to just speak her mind once, and then let it go.

V is too sensitive about her girls weekend being “ruined.” When friends are married or in serious relationships, the significant other ALWAYS comes first. I realize V just wanted this to be a girls trip and that’s it but, that’s not how it played out. And how offensive to Lynne for V to say she’d be the odd man out. Hello?! I don’t see Lynne’s husband there. But, to be fair, I don’t think Lynne was really there either. Just saying. Anyway, V is too reliant on other people for her happiness. That’s all I am trying to say.

Uh, I love how V asked Tamra not to talk about her on the boat trip and the SECOND Tamra gets in the limo she’s all “Listen to this, gang!!” Tamra. You kill me.

So next week the story line I’ve really wanted to see starts up – what will happen to Simon and Tamra…. The promos say pretty clear the marriage is over but… I don’t buy it. It will probably just be a lot of talk about divorce but nothing happens. Roll credits.

Anderson, Pam – The former Baywatch babe is playing a genie in Aladdin at the New Wimbledon Theatre.  I don’t remember the original Aladdin having a drunken 42-year-old genie with more implants than wishes, but times have changed.

Link: Anderson in Aladdin (The Sun)

Federline, Kevin – Britney’s ex has landed a cameo as a Canadian border guard in the straight-to-video American Pie Presents: The Book Of Love.  If you want to see a D-list celebrity in another pointless addition to a moribund film franchise that has essentially become Girls Gone Wild with a thin plot, this is the movie for you!

Link: Federline Cameo (OK Magazine)

Lambert, Adam – On The Jay Leno Show, Lambert admits he deviated from the script during his controversial showing at ABC’s American Music Awards.  “I did surprise them with some things I didn’t do in rehearsal,” Lambert said.  Thank you for clearing that up, since we assumed the rehearsal notes read, “During live performance on network TV, remember to grab crotch, tongue band member, simulate oral sex, and give middle finger.”

Link: Lambert Confesses (Huffington Post)

Orange County, Real Housewife Of – Real Housewife Lynne Curtin and her husband Frank have had bench warrants issued for their arrest after “blowing off a judge” (as TMZ put it) when they were no-shows for an informational hearing.  Some people are going to be disappointed when they come across this article after googling “housewife,” “blowing,” and “judge.”

Link: Curtains for Curtin? (TMZ)

Rihanna – The singer’s new video “Hard” (slightly NSFW?) has her rolling in mud, wearing crazy outfits, and firing an automatic weapon.  Her progression from Music of the Sun to A Girl Like Me to Good Girl Gone Bad to Rated R makes one wonder what’s next: Good Girl Gone Gaga?

Link: Rihanna Rated R (Rolling Stone)

Trek, Star – Trekkie Ted Moustakis sued Christie’s auction house for $7 million for selling him supposedly “one of a kind” poker items used, and a uniform worn, by Next Generation character Data himself.  The items turned out not to be legit, because, first of all, Data isn’t a real person.  Oh, Ted.  You’ve got a ways to go, buddy.

Link: Star Trek Fraud (NY Post)

TMZ.com reports a bench warrant has been issued for Real Housewives of Orange County star Lynne Curtin and her husband Frank.

The Curtin duo failed to appear in court in relation to paying $1.2 million to pay their former business partner.

Don’t run guys, it will just get worse!!

Holy Crap! Lynne’s going to the big house! TMZ is reporting that a judge got all pissy about a lawsuit she and her husband Frank are involved in and the Curtains declined to show up so the Judge put out a bench warrant! No news on how much it is, but holy crap! Lynne is NOT gonna do well in jail. Just ask Slade… maybe Danielle can give her some pointers too.

I’ll keep you posted…

posted by:  audra

*batteries left in expensive, rarely used vibrators will start oozing toxic acids or whatever into your tool.  be sure to remove the batteries if you plan on stowing your naughty things away for awhile, otherwise you’ll have to toss the entire thing!   you done fucked yourself!

*if you find two used copies of the same hardcover patricia wells cookbook in perfect condition, buy them both!  give one to your mum!

*missing an epi of it’s always sunny in philadephia  is for retards.  what else are you going to talk about at happy hour with your friends?!  don’t you want to impress people with your knowledge of ‘flipadelphia’?!

*defriend the assholes on facebook who chastise you for having an opinion!  they’re obviously not your friends anyways!   since when is it news that i don’t want to be around children!?  just because you have them doesn’t make you smarter, holier than thou or special in ANY way!  stop making me feel like a heathen with no purpose for not bearing 8 children!  motherhood does not define a woman!   just because i don’t like them or want them doesn’t make me a bad person!  we could have still been friends, but you ruined it!  don’t judge me because i don’t want stretchmarks & because i don’t want to spend life in prison for killing the children i didn’t want in the first place!   somewhere someone is living with agonizing guilt for convincing their friend diane downs that she would not be socially acceptable unless she had children.  i’m saving us both a step.  really.

*there…i feel better now.  i mean, have kids if you really want to–that’s fine!  just teach them well, clean them & for god’s sake, make them use their “inside voices” in public spaces…there is no excuse for a child running willy-nilly screaming bloody murder in a fucking book store or whole foods.   oh, and can you teach them to not be little shits?  is that too much to ask?  some of my best friends are mothers of amazing, well-mannered children, so i know it’s possible!  go!  be a good parent! 

*rubbing alcohol makes an excellent cleaning solution!  just straight–no diluting.  pour it in a spray-bottle & it will make your counter-tops, cooktops, stainless steel what-have-yous & even mirrors gleam!  and sanitized!  you probably already smell like a lush anyway, so why not go with it? 

*getting years of black hair dye off your head is really hard fucking work!  it may take 5 or 6 seshes of the one ‘n only colorfix, but there is light at the end of the color spectrum.  be prepared to smell like a bubbling vat of sulfur for days, if not weeks  afterwards–even after shampooing & conditioning like mad.  AND be prepared for the most hideously orange hair of your life!  is it worth it?!  we don’t know yet….

*…speaking of which–after hours of painstaking color-lifting, for god’s sake, if you’re desperate for some deep conditioning after, don’t reach for your tube of color amplifying conditioning balm!  it will darken your locks considerably & you’ll probably be on the verge of tears for doing something so retarded! 

*the real housewives of orange county is kind of amazing. 

So.. I’m like not in the mood to do anything but sit on my ass and be tired. But I have an empire to build and manage, and that requires all of my time and energy. TEN people read this yesterday! TEN. Kick ass… the question is, will they be back?

Probably not. Unless they have an address to send good medication to. “Bitch is CRAZAZY!”

Indeed.  You have 3 kids under the age of 5, and attempt to spin 19,000 plates at once and let me know how YOUR sanity goes, k?

Enough about me, what’s going on in the wizzorld today?

Well my main douchebag, El Tigre, is up to 4 million more hoes, some on the payroll, and blah, blah, blah. Now he’s getting thrown under the bus by some quack job shady ass Doctor in Canada for injecting him with horse piss and unicorn tears after his knee surgery and stuff. Yay…the hits just keep on a comin’! I’m still pissed as hell that they are all $2 road whores. When you make Ashley Dupre look like a classy girl, you a HO! And I cannot believe I am about to agree with Rush effing Limbaugh of all people, but while I was driving Tater Tot home from school today, he was on this diatribe about a completely made up image. And after I laughed at the hypocrisy of a toad like him saying that, I was like, “ooooh no shit!” Although If El Tigre was a swinging dick, he should have just been that Cad. Brought sexy back to golf. Ick, he’s a tool.

Anyhoo…so let’s talk about my homies over at the RHW franchise. You know OC, Atlanta, New York, New Joisy, and Tupelo. No they don’t have a RHW franchise in Mississippi. But could you imagine? That shit would ROCK! Hell, it’s even rock the Casbah in my town. Bunch of wine soaked minivan driving PTA moms…good times. So right now we’re in the middle of the OC season. Nobody is left on the original cast except my beloved Vicki. Vicki is so cracked out and crazy that I just adore her. I wish I could find that kind of motivation to manage MY empire and have company cruises and shit. She’s such a control freak it’s lovable. Then my fave Gretchen. I don’t even know why I like her so much. Maybe it’s the subtle evil I identify with. And try not to barf, but I am so LOVING her and Slade! I do! Sure he’s a deadbeat douche that should be flipping burgers to pay down his 80k in Child Support he owes…but once he starts shamelessly mugging with Gretchen my puny brain forgets all of that and just goes “awww” whores in lurrve. Then Lynne and her daughters Tweedle Dum and Dumerer. Getting her shiz pulled, peeled and stapled to “compete” in the OC. Compete for what? Oh my lord, I just had a vision of a running of the RWH’s, like the freaking Preakness!

Then there’s Tamra, who I really WANT to like, but just can’t. Maybe it’s the editing, maybe it’s the black soul no amount of makeup can cover, I haven’t decided. In every scene Simon looks like he just wants to CHOKE her to death.

And the piece de resistance? MELON TITS!!! Well, that’s what I call her anyway. Alexis. She is a trip and a half! She’s a bible thumper wich makes her hysterical anyway, and her husband is a chauvinistic greasy hairball of a douche! Love it…LOVES IT!

So well, since I have now lost 9 of my 10 readers drivveling about this crap, maybe it’s time to go do some real work.

Werd.

Well lessee now…

First, Ickie and Brianna went to Ickie’s jeweller; Ickie was there to toss Donn a diamond-shaped shiny food pellet. Ms. Jeweller knows Ickie from way back and it showed. After all she assumed that Donn calls her nothing but bitch. Which we all do, really, even if only under his breath. But wasn’t that a lovely awkward moment? Do you get the impression that the Jeweller Lady had figured out that the front of her establishment wouldn’t be shown so there was no or not much free advertising to be had? Therefore, not much nicey-nicey with the racoon-eyed Ickie.

Then Saint Boob of the Rack took two of her three live accessories to the nail salon to get their maniac petties done. I guess she never thought of them as actual children before (not really having had much to do with them until now), and didn’t realize that maybe they were a bit too much real girls and too little cute arm danglers to appreciate having their cuticles sliced and their feet fiddled with. How annoying of the little ornaments. Somebody put them back in their box! Saint Boob did vouchsafe as how she ’studied’ marketing but got into ‘healthanfitness’ – i.e., couldn’t figure out how to put a table tent on a table because she was busy at the gym, I guess. Even though she’s a ’stay at home mom’ (the irony!) she’s not one to sit around on her butt all day. Sometimes she gets up to direct the help!

Then Poor Lynne and Little Big Nose get sliced and diced for everyone’s judgement. At least Daddy Wozzisname still retains enough love for Poor Lynne to be worried about…well…we never did find out. I mean we assume that he’s worried that she might not make ‘it’ but maybe he was worried that she would. I mean could you put up with Poor Lynne and her parade of insecurities on a long term basis.

Next Ickie shows that even if you’re her friend, you need to be careful. Just like she threw Earthjeana under the bus about the loan, she carefully and oh so subtly reminded TamRAA that the days of hired help are over for now. Now correct me if I’m wrong but the last time Ickie flew over to the annual insurance convention in West Palm Beach, didn’t she turn down a request from Jeana to come with? So how (Bravo) does she now come to the idea that it’d be really cool to have ‘the girls’ along, including Gretch (Bravo)? Oh, it’s contractually obligatory, Ickie! TamRAA notes that she can make up with Gretch because she, TamRAAA can be the bigger person. Remember that promise!

Switch to Gretch taking bike lessons with hunky sexy Slade who isn’t balding (so why didn’t he take off his hat in the classroom?). Now Gretched did embarrass the ‘boys’ around her but that’s just her pocket Marilyn Monroe shtick, she was actually friendly even to the less cute in the room, and she did ride her bike nearly perfectly, much better than sexy hunky Slade who maybe couldn’t transfer the skills he picked up from when he was a competition bike racer, the tight spandex hugging his powerful legs and body like an AngloAmerican massage. Sadly, sexy hunky Slade had to mug for the camera and goof around as if anyone other than I were watching or caring. He’s such a star in the theatre de Slade.

Simon Says to TamRAAA that he wants her to take care of the kids even if pushing Tequila isn’t as lucrative as it once was. He basically treats TamRAA like a little kid, which makes it more funny when he demands again, petulantly, that Wrong Ryan make a public apology before all the kids in the facebook playground. Because you see he’s so mature. Is that odd to you too? Also, come to think of it, WTF – RYAN IS OVER 18!!! Why does Simon Says insist that anyone has to give him consequences? Simon Says really wants that public apology so gets in a few more passive-aggressive zings at TamRAA before leaving her crying again.

Golf with the Lads time! Donn, Simon Says, and Frug all get together with Unnamed Fourth Person to make fools of themselves at a golf course they clearly had never been to. Note that Frug had to make fun of everyone else’s playing (because that’s how Frugs joke around, right), and brag about his own (because that’s no nothings become somethings, right). Simon Says to giggle at every rude remark Frug says because now a big boy wants to play with him so they can all gang up on Donn and .

Resplendent in his loud yellow shirt and reeking of cigar fumes, Frug and the rest go drink beer, where Frug and Simon Says basically trash Donn’s marriage, while Donn is too polite to point out the glaring, the obvious the Oh My God How Could You Miss Them flaws in their own hook ups. There’s a lot of what my friends call [[dicksizing]] between the men about how much money they all have; at least Donn notes that other people aren’t as blessed as these four, but of course that’s lost on ‘Godly’ (Oh My Godly, more like) Frug.

We learn that Frug is so Godly when Saint Boob has drinkiepoos with Gretch. After hitching her dress halfway around her enormous fake boobs and knocking back some martini, Saint Boob informs Gretch that she’s really into, like, Biblical principles and such. (Though for goodness’ sake don’t quizz her on ‘em.) After she spews a bit more smugness, we’re left to wonder:

1) Why she doesn’t trust Frug enough to be away from him for a moment.
2) Why she insulted Gretch by saying that she’d trust her ‘desireable’ Frug to be naked on a boat with Gretch and not do anything. Now come on. (a) Does she really want us to be crippled with THAT image, with the idea of Frug without clothes on? What did we do to deserve that? and (b) does she really think that Gretch would be impelled by the sight to toss her sense and taste aside and jump those bones????

I don’t think Gretch or anyone ever has been that hard up for affection. Not when she has hunky sexy Slade’s sock puppet, or an ‘adult toy,’ or the dryer on spin cycle available. Heck the sight of Frug in the nude probably was used to strengthen the resolve of wavering novitiates at the convent – “This girls is the alternate to chastity! Look on it and weep!”

What Saint Boob delivered was a subtle insult to Gretch and I think Gretch saw through it.

TamRAA tries to keep Simon Says from pouting that he won’t have funny-bunnies and jolly-wollies on the trippie-wippie to Florida as Simon looks ever more like a petulant attention-starved nine-year-old. No wonder TamRAA’s always looking so upset – she has two juveniles vying for her attention. Just to stick a little more guilt into her, or horror, Simon Says that they have a perfect relationship, where he only puts up with what he wants to put up with.

Saint Boob proves her dedication to God, er, herself and Frug by having Godly Botulism Toxin injected into herself, while ruminating that she doesn’t know how many days, has lost count of the hours, she dedicates to good works, er, herself his libido, and her vanity. In the words of Chris Crocker: Bitch, p’leeeze.

This way he never has to ‘worry’ that he’ll have a frumpy wife. Newflash Boobie: He won’t. Because when medicine and surgery can’t arrest your face’s collapse, you’ll be gone pffft. Hope your prenups were okay as you have no way of supporting your silly self except as a high class and subtle whore. Just saying.

Poor Lynn and Little Bashed Nose compare slicings and dicings and hammer whacks to the proboscis.

These women aren’t PEOPLE, they’re prize show dogs.

TamRAA goes to sell houses (WTF, sell houses in 2009 in Orange County????) with cute Marcos her boss.

Ickie bonds with Donn, quickly, no appetizer, becuase she wants to get up to work early the next day so only a few moments to smell the roses. Mommajean was mommaright. Donn is daddylicious and if she doesn’t keep him happy there’s any number of people who’ll elbow her aside. To her credit Ickie seems to have realized this (duh) and has had the required flashes of insight. Ickie-drama 2 is set up with Ickie complaining that Simon Says doesn’t do what he ought…and that drives her nuts!

Finally, TamRAA goes to bury the hatchet in Gretch’s head. I mean with Gretch. All goes well, but it’s hard to believe that TamRAA’s sincere since she wants to catch Gretch in a lie (not good reconciliation type behaviour) and get her to ‘fess up. She shows how she’s the bigger person (remember, above) by issuing Gretch an ultimatum to take down her blog ENTRY (TamRAA ENTRY), because ultimata are always a good way to negotiate. Good thing Cute Markos is in charge of that at Doomed Dwellings Real Estate!

And so we wait eagerly for the next episode; hoping that all we be well or at least somebody will clean up the blood stains.

Oh no, Vicki is tryna play matchmaker with Breanna and one of her colleague’s son!  This has disaster written all over it.  Dayum, did ya’ll see that big ass gumbo pot full of Top Ramen that Breanna was making?  Hmmm, so far so good, but I’m sure the thought of Vicki being his mother-in-law will scare him off!

Gretchen hopped a plane out to Michigan to see Jeff’s kids and bury his ashes with them.  I’m glad that his kids have stuck by Gretchen and not let assholes like Tamra shake their belief in what was real to them and their father!

Over at Vicki’s for the BBQ she put together to welcome Chris, Tacky Tam and her tacky ass family showed up.  Who is she to say that it’s weird that Chris flew out to Cali to meet Breanna?  She is so damn NEGATIVE.  I know that is funny coming from us, but shit, at least we find the good in some shit.  She can’t find the good in pay day!  Her gay, ill-mannered son, Ryan, showed up acting like a lil bitch!  How are you technically going to steal someone’s car and not apologize to them for it?  Team Simon on this one!  Ryan needs to get his license back along with a job and stop taking shit that don’t belong to him!

Alexis and Jim are enjoying lunch together, looks like the Ritz-Carlton, Marina del Rey.  He just gave her a sweet piece of jewelry.  I can’t hate.  So far so good.  I like those two.  There is nothing wrong with putting your husband and kids on a pedestal.  Frankly, it’s supposed to be like that, especially when he does the same to you.

Over to the pot house, the Curtins have called in some chick named Vanessa who’s supposed to know kids better than adults.  I can’t with Raquel, Alexis and this sham of a woman.  Uh oh, wait a minute.  Alexa is being honest.  You see, she is desperate to talk to someone!  She’s starved for attention.  She just said it…finally someone to listen to her, not talk over her!  She’s a very smart girl.  I hope she keeps her head on straight and stop walking around looking like Paris Hilton.  That’s not cute in spite of what teenage white girls think!

Oh no, Breanna and old boy don’t seem to be feelin each other any more.  Why not get the man out the house and do something?  Nobody wants to sit up in your mama’s house for a weekend.  That was uncomfortable to watch!

Lord, Breanna took this poor guy to a damn yogurt place.  He did not come out to Cali for this.  She’s boring as hell!  I wouldn’t have had much to say to her either.

Jeff’s kids took Gretchen to the cemetery where they plan to bury his ashes!  I will not let myself cry!  I will not!  I’m just thankful that they all are still connected.  I think that would’ve warmed Jeff’s heart.

Over at Tacky Tam’s wig party, Lynne just walked in looking like Nancy Drew’s mama!  Like she was hiding behind a bush spying on Alexa on a date!  Maybe if Tam would save some of that vodka money and stop having parties, they’d have a bit of extra cash.  Why don’t think drink tequila…that is the family business now, right?

Tamra and Ryan are grabbing a bite together.  Evidently, Ryan got drunk, jumped off a tour bus and broke his foot in 4 places…..cuz that was a good fucking idea!  Now he’s gettin ready to go to jail for 5 days.  Ryan ain’t slick.  He didn’t do that community service cuz he doesn’t have the money to pay for it.  I got your number!

Looks like next week Donn and Vicki are gonna have to put Simon and Tamra in their place.  I’ve been waiting for these two to fall out.  I hope it doesn’t disappoint.

…Vine…in a minute

Greedy Gretchen and Slade are in Scottsdale for a party!  How is Slade excited about marrying Gretchen and having 4 more kids when he can’t even take care of the kids he already has?  Sit your ass down without reversing your vasectomy and keep it moving!  Gretchen, enjoy this man, don’t marry him or have his kids!

Lord have mercy, Jeana has everyone in the house, even Matt!  Is she crazy?  That woman is too nice for her own good.  Having that toxic man in the house is only showing her sons who to treat women….and it ain’t like a princess!

Enters the new housewife, Alexis.  She and Jim have 2 twins and a 3-year-old son.  She looks good.  Not as good looking as Greedy Gretchen, but good.  The two of them seem to have a fun, loving relationship.

Jeana dropped by Vicki’s.  It’s funny that Vicki said Jeana stirs the pot when she is the QUEEN of kicking up shit!  You wait until Vicki needs a true friend.  I bet she’ll gain some sensitivity toward others then!

Back in AZ, Slade is acting like a douche who ain’t been anywhere before!  His shirts all unbuttoned lookin like a cat daddy, sort of, kissing Gretchen like that all in public!  It was just too damn much!  He’s so gross.  Remember back in Season 1 when he had money and looked good?  Now he just looks like an indie film director…..from Australia.

Alexis and Jim are at Tam’s for July 4th.  Alexis was killing it in that bikini while Tamra sat there staring at her with a muu muu on LOL!  When has Tamra ever walked around a pool without her bikini flashing that body she claims is so bangin?  Bitch was green with envy watching Alexis play in HER pool with her beautiful kids, husband who loves her, nanny on standby AND a 17 carat diamond ring! 

Greedy Gretchen and Alexis have evidently been friends for a year.  Good, Gretchen will get a break while Vicki and Tamra focus their hate on Alexis!

Kara, Shane hasn’t told a woman he loves her in 23 years of life cuz his ass don’t like women!!

Finally, the private party at La Perla…Lynne asked Alexis if she had a surrogate.  She looked at Lynne like BITCH, I had this rich man’s three babies and STILL look this good!  Overall, the whole party was a let down.  I thought some real shit was gonna pop off.

Notice that Jeana’s kids love coming home to see her?  Vicki has to pay her kids to spend time with her!  Just sayin.

Ooops, more La Perla.  Here comes Vicki talkin about she’s the only one who works in the crowd.  Please honey.  And the only reason that Tamra was nice to Gretchen is cuz she was puttin on a front in front of Alexis and Jeff, who’s friends with Simon!  Please believe it.

Looks like it’s the end of Jeana, for now.  I will truly miss her presence, but I’m glad she left on her terms!  Maybe when things stabilize for her, she’ll return! 

Do you guys think the show will be better or worse without Jeana?

…Vine…in a minute

OMG they have carried this dumbass argument into another episode??  Drag much, Bravo?!  Tacky Tamra, YOU are the one who started the fight talkin’ about “bring it on”, but now you are 41 years old and have 4 kids!  Wait a minute, wasn’t Vicki the one up Gretchen’s ass last season talkin about she needed to have Jeff leave her insurance cuz her full-time job was loving and taking care of him?  Does she think we forgot about that?  Now all of a sudden she took the old man for a ride?  I’d whoop Tamra’s ass, but Gretchen got the last laugh so she doesn’t care!  I hope Lynne sees who her real friends are…the two that stayed there with her!

Why is Lynne laughing about her teenage daughter asking to have “one beer” for “relaxation”?  That is far from funny.  In fact, it sounds like another cry for help that Lynne is laughing to loud to hear@@  Everyone sees it but her. 

Slade needs to put that little penis away and Lynne needs to cover them old ass titties.  Nobody wants to see any of that!

Can Tamra and Vicki do something besides get together and stuff their wrinkled faces?  How are they “best friends” yet Vicki had no idea that Tam’s financial situation was as dire as it was?  Sounds like a bullshit friendship to me.  I know more about the lives of friends I met on Twitter than these two busy bodies know about each other.  So Simon is only earning money with his tequila business??  WHY?  He was making plenty of money at the car dealership.  Why wouldn’t he go back to that?  People with families really kill me pulling stunts like this.  I know you don’t wanna sit back behind that desk after living high on the hog, creating your own schedule for a couple of years, but muthaluva, you have kids and a wife whether you want her or not.  Take yo ass to work!  Tamra, take YO ass to work!  That is just ridiculous.  They’re the same two Republicans who think that people shouldn’t sit on their asses when they’re capable of working……but they ain’t workin!  Hypocrites.

Now Jeana is our girl!  She sold some cars, jewelry, art AND the bitch is still working!  That is what you do when you are hurting financially!  I love Jeana for that.  She’s driving that old school big body Benz.  Shit, it’s paid for!  You go Jeana.

Breanna finished her nursing program in 3 years when it usually takes 7 years!  Good for her.  That’s a wonderful accomplishment.  HOWEVA, you can’t tell me that she did that for any other reason than to get started on her career and away from Vicki’s nutty ass LMAO!  Breanna is like I’m OUT!  As a gift, Vicki is treating her and her mother to an Italian vacation.  This should be a train wreck!

Why is Gretchen tryna hawk shit on some hidden side street?  She should create an eBay account and sell her shit to nutjobs like Kim Kardashian does.

What parent in their right mind would take their child to a plastic surgeon to discuss getting work done?  This little girl ain’t old enough to buy a fucking drink, but you’re gonna pay for her to have her body cut up…cuz there’s a lot of competition in Orange County?  No wonder Alexa and Raquel are fucked in the head.  This girl has severe self-esteem issues.  It bothers me that Lynne is trying to put a band-aid over it instead of dealing with the issues.  This is downright pathetic!  And where is the father?  No real man should sit there and watch his daughter feel like that about herself!!  The Curtins SUCK as parents!

Vicki’s mama in Rome is exactly why people in other countries can’t stand Americans!  Damn that woman was ornery as hell.  I’m sorry, I woulda left her ass at home, mother or not!

Back over to Lynne and her two head cases…it’s sad when the 17-year-old is so upset that her mom and sister want to fuck with themselves via surgery that she starts crying!  I’m just smh.  Lynne is too dumb to read between the lines.  Alexa is NOT mad that Raquel gets more material shit.  She’s upset cuz she’s acting out by drinking, etc. and all her parents seem to notice or care about are Raquel’s looks and what kind of car she’s driving!  That little girl is in desperate need of loving parents!  I’m actually upset watching this right now.

Why did it take being broke for Tamra to clean her own house?  The bitch don’t work and has no newborns.  What are you too busy doing that you can’t clean up after your own family?

Kara transferred to UCLA and got a job.  She pays her own rent and slowed down the shopping!  Jeana might be an emotional eater, but damnit, she raised that girl right!  Wait a minute, did I know that she got a boob job?  Or are these new?

Back in Rome, Vicki is acting like the Italians are fucked up cuz she’s blond and should be going out of their way to understand her and her English speaking self.  Her words, not mine!  Sorry babe, you are in their country.  Why the hell should they speak so that you can comprehend?  You have so much money, why didn’t you hire a translator to roll with you the whole time?  Idiots.  I know those people are going to be so glad for Vicki and nem to leave.

Simon and Tacky Tamra went out to dinner with Jim and Alexis.  The two of them are so in love while Simon and his mistake have 3 feet worth of air between them!  Tamra should not be airing their dirty, marital laundry.  That’s why he can’t stand her!

Tamra and Simon are meeting with someone about listing their home.  She couldn’t even spit out one tear.  She’s so full of shit.  If she were that attached to her home, then she woulda been handling business.  Get off your flat lazy ass and work…earn some money and pay your damn bills!  Hell, get a part-time job if you have to, but to act now like she’s so devastated?  Get outta here with that.

…Vine…in a minute

Click here to follow H & V on Twitter.

Yes, actually, I do realize that I’m about 5 weeks behind.  You’ve been here long enough to know what I always say…better late than never.  Shit, I’ve been going through Atlanta Housewives withdrawal and anger since the last season ended.  I believe I’m ready to move on and give the OC bitches my undivided attention.

If I have to hear Vicky talkin’ about her vagina love tank again this season, I’m not going to get far.

It’s funny that Lynne said it’s not about how much money you have…Of course she said that cuz she ain’t got no damn money!

Breanna, Michael and Vicky are on their way to sky diving!  White folk, why are ya’ll always tryna cheat death?  Michael can’t stand her ass.  I hate to say it, but he looks like he’s secretly hoping her parachute malfunctions!!  You notice Michael’s ass was on the ground watching?  He was not gonna fuck up his possible payday by jumping, too. 

Over to Jeana and Colton.  How in the hell did Jeana burn out a clutch in one flippin outing?  Broke people need to drive better!  I’m not being funny; she’s even saying herself that her income has decreased by 2/3!  That is a whole lotta damn money!  She better stop eating $200 lunches at the St. Regis and learn to fucking cook like everybody else on a budget!

Tacky Tamra is such a piece of trash!  Why are you allowing your homeboy to say tea bag in the middle of a child’s party?  Simon can’t stand that broad.  I don’t know what happened, but I KNOW he ain’t fillin up her love tank these days with his pump!

Greedy Gretchen still looks good in spite of everyone talking shit about her over the past year!  I really don’t like Slade and Gretchen together, but I also don’t think she truly cares about that man!  Gretchen is still grieving Jeff’s loss.  She just wants someone there to comfort her, snuggle with her and spend time with her.  When she gets out of that place, she won’t give a damn about Slade’s non-child support paying, broke ass!  Watch! 

Over to Lynne in her rented by Bravo home.  How are you trying to have your accessories carried in a store that you can’t even pronounce?  That is a pet peeve of mine.  It’s Fred Segal, not SegalS.  It’s Nordstom, not NordstromS.  It’s Tiffany & Co., not TiffanyS!  Learn it…use it, Lynne.

Here goes Vicky bitching at Donn as if he’s the hired help!  You know why Vicky is so mad at bitches like Gretchen and the new girl?  Cuz she resents being the breadwinner in her home.  Well guess what honey?  YOU were part of the decision made that Donn would be in the home doing his thing while you were building an empire.  Don’t complain now.  And speaking of Bravo paying for shit for the housewives, can they PLEASE buy Vicky’s ass a face lift?  I’m not tryna be mean, I’m serious.  She has a decent figure for an almost 50-year-old woman, her business is on point, but that sun damage combined with aging is catching up to her!  She needs some work done.  At least some Patricia Wexler products.

Vicky and Tacky Tam are together having drinks, natch!  Damn right Simon is controlling.  He’s probably looking at Tacky Tam like she’s the one who caused all this shit!  If she weren’t tryna keep up with the Joneses, they’d still have some money. 

Vicky said that Jeana asked her for some money and she said no.  I’m on the fence about that.  I feel Vicky; money and friendship, especially that kind of money, don’t typically mix.  On the other hand, Vicky and Jeana have been bffs for quite some time.  How could she turn her back on Jeana in her time of need?  Maybe not all the money, but damn, at least some.  I would never turn my back on Hollywood like that and she wouldn’t do that to me either, period!!

Maybe if Tacky Tamra would spend more time worrying about her own on the rocks marriage instead of Gretchen’s love affairs, then her husband wouldn’t hate the sight of her ass!  She is a bitch!!  Now she done latched onto Lynne cuz Lynne is doing something with herself.  Tamra should fuck with Slade; they are both opportunistic wannabes!

This is why we love Gretchen!  She stood tall and owned up to her bullshit that came out during the off-season.  Yeah, she was in a fucked up place.  Who wouldn’t be after they lost their fiance?  I’m sure she was fucked up day in and day out, hanging around with a bunch of party all the time losers!  But she dusted herself off and she’s still standing tall, just as blond and cute as she was last season!  Team Gretchen!

Why is Lynne so pressed to be accepted by this broad?  Fuck Tamra and her broke, jealous ass!  I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who talked about me like a dog the way that she did about Lynne and Gretchen.  I’m glad Gretchen told Lynne about herself!  Still, the million dolla question is how did Gretchen’s alleged boyfriend get Tamra’s number?  Hmmmm.

Lynne’s is doing all she can to ensure that her daughter, Alexa, ends up on a pole!  Why is your 17-year-old parading down a random street with a bikini on?  That shit ain’t cute.  Lynne better worry about raising them daughters better before she tries to launch an international accessory line.

It is 2009.  Why does Lynne always look like the lead in some bad 80s porn? 

You see Simon told Tam to show some class!  Call me crazy, but I sincerely believe that he thinks her acting a fool last season had something to do with his business taking a nosedive!

Vicki is so ridiculous.  Lynne is supposed to be your acquaintance, at the least.  You couldn’t put on her jewelry for one damn night?  She’s just rude.  Gretchen has on a plum-colored slip and still puts these heffas to shame.  THAT is why they hate her ass.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Poor Jeana, all she wants to do is eat her way through the tension.  Tamra, if you’re tired of Gretchen looking like the good girl, then stop acting like you grew up in East St. Louis where she’s concerned!  Leave that woman alone.  You keep talking shit about her and she ignores you.  That’s why she looks good to the public. 

Tamra is a bold faced liar!  Straight up.  I can’t even deal with this little confrontation anymore.  I’m over this bitch talking down to Gretchen as if she’s so much better!  Vicki has some nerve saying that Gretchen was mean after all the bullshit that just came out of Tam’s mouth!  Tamra, if Gretchen preyed on old men, they why is she with Slade right now?  Bitches like that don’t give a damn…they stick to what works for them and their bank account!  JEALOUSY!

If ya’ll can remember back this far, what did you think of the season premiere?  It’s gonna be a good season, I knowz it.

…Vine…in a minute

Click here to follow H & V on Twitter.

Seriously, does anyone have Common Sense anymore? 

None of us are perfect, and we all have our sad little moments of being idiots from time to time.  Still, I think we all could benefit from reading this book.  There is a reason it was written way back in 1776.  Human nature is still the same.  I see and hear things in my life, on the nightly news, on E!, in the papers, in the blogs, on Facebook, on the phone, and especially on Bravo TV (Still, I can’t get enough of those Housewives of Orange County) that disturb me on so many levels.  What do you readers think?  What have you seen that illustrates why this book needs to be mandatory reading for all of us? 

While this episode of Real Housewives of Orange County didn’t have as much drama as others (although, next week looks like a keeper!), the OC Housewives wigged out with Bunko, hired a “youthologist” to mediate family tensions and found out their son is choosing to go to jail rather than serve community service (l-a-m-e). But throughout the episode, hottie Housewife Alexis Bellino wore the Black Bloom Flower Ring from Stella & Dot. She paired it with her 7 carat diamond initial necklace that she got from her hubby while sitting on the water, eating shrimp cocktail. See, who says you can’t mix high and low? The ring is just $44 and also comes in Ivory. [Season 5, Episode 4 from Thursday, December 3, 2009 on Bravo Television]

Just saw last night’s RHOOC and wrote this little recap-I hope you like it.

There was a sad attempt by Ickie to set up poor single still Brianna that was truly awful. First off it really highlighted that Brianna can’t find a man in the most heavily populated state in the US. Secondly I have to ask if Chris is the son of an insurance ‘colleague’ or ‘employee’ of Ickie’s–in other words, could he really resist Ickie’s scheming. I can’t tell what’s dumber, that Ickie asked him to stay for three days while she paraded her daughter around or that he accepted. Sad sad sad. And it also really highlighted how cluelessly conceited Ickie is. She said she was going to serve a real California BBQ – newsflash: There’s nothing unique about grilling steaks, burgers and dogs. Now if she were to slap a condor on the barbie, maybe. And since when did a real California BBQ highlight brats and sauerkraut? She should know better, she’s from Michiwiscohiniana or wherever she’s oh so desperate to forget. Someplace where it’s cold and people used to make things.

 And that forced dumb-ass comment about the weather that people in warm climes always trot out with dreary predictability to the rest of us. Yes, the weather is mostly sunny (between earthquakes, mud slides, and the odd coastal storm). We get it. We’ve seen the memo.

 We also saw the TWO patio heaters on the lovely warm California terrace where the whole sorry awkward uncomfortable date-weekend mercifully died. Love love love how big dumb not cute Chris had no clue that all these driftings off into silence, sighs and staring at the ceiling on Brianna’s part weren’t signs of love. The big dumb lunks of this world are always the last to know. And the last to care. (That’s what makes them good for ’sexy time’ but not for the next morning.)

 And it’s really rather disjointed to discuss what kind of babies your daughter and her escort/courtesan/favour to client/imported dollyboy will make, just before announcing that he needs to check his penis at the door when he arrives. It’s as if, having promised to be nicer to Donn this season, Ickie has to let her man-hating castrating b*tch side out SOMEHOW.

 Ryan and Simon seemed to be having an a “quien es mas baby” contest. Ryan: you need to grow the eff up. When you own a car then you can let unlicensed drivers zoom about on your insurance at your liability all you want and then come tell me it’s ‘not a big deal.’ Simon made sense with the overindulgence accusation at poor sobbing TamRAA but spoiled it in retrospect with his insistence on a facebook apology, as if any facebooker really cares what Ryan or he say. (On the other hand, Simon did look better than normal – either he’s getting a chemical peel or more make up.)

 Was it me or did Gretch’s visit to Michigan seem odd? Half the time it was genuine and nice and sad and family but the rest of the time it seemed forced and unnatural. At the gravesite – genuine. At the patio table – strange. Why she thinks that Jeff’s daughter should work is beyond me – they’re both living off Jeff’s money after all. Everyone sitting and smiling around the table was such a strange vision. Jake (the son)’s tattoo was heartlandishly touching although it’s nothing I would ever do.

 But what mystified me is whether or not G-spot really intends to be involved in these people’s lives – presumably they already have mothers – she kept going on about ‘closure’ and ‘moving on’ which struck me as a way to explain it if she has little or nothing to do with them again. After all they’re in no way related to her, and if she’s so poor and busy with Slade’s Sock Puppet, traipsing off to MI will lose it’s appeal quick. I don’t think we’ll see the kids again and that all that ‘motherly’ claptrap on the Gretch’s part was just posing. She’s already got the only kind of big boy she wants back home.

 Odder still was when Jeff’s daughter made her little spiel/emotional blackmail about people insulting her dad when they insult Gretchen, we never actually saw her face, IIRC. I dunno. Something doesn’t seem right there.

 I actually liked Poor Lynne and Defeated Wozzisname’s new rental digs. When they mentioned the teenager whisperer, I thought “oh how ridiculous” but she seemed to be sensible. Other than Little Big Nose’s pursuing “her art” (is fingerpainting art?) and Minor Whiner’s need for attention, though, I don’t know what was resolved. Didja catch how a Lynncuff was hastily slapped on Whiner’s arm so she could show it off about ten times? Perhaps Poor Lynn’s not so addled after all. But oh the cruelty of Bravo for not cutting that horrible moment after Minor Whiner brought up the hash brownies, when Poor Lynn realized her “hash browns and eggs” attempt at deflection was falling as flat as the boobs in her worst nightmares? Everyone’s eyes got bigger and bigger and you could almost hear Andy suppress a squeaky “eek” of glee.

 I mean is there a mood-altering substance that somebody in that family hasn’t tried or needed?

 America’s favourite poser, Saint Boob of the Rack and and her Very Own King Frug displayed once again how seriously appalling Frug can be. First off he dresses like a slob, with his dumb backward baseball cap, shirt unappealingly half open, showing off his ‘classy’ contempt for polite society by wearing college-boy shorts everywhere. But then he laps up, with little flickings of his fat tongue how Saint Boob treats him like a colicky princeling, not a king like she’d have us believe. Awww does diddums wan a spicy cocktail sauce? Mummy’ll stir it up for baby. Does diddums wan some shrimp? Mummy’s gonna make a plate all nice for her big bwave businessman. Does diddums wanna feed? Mummy’s got just the rack for baby. Aww, diddums gave mommy a trinket! Seven yes seven yes seven yes yes yes seven carat trinkylet! Mummy’s not a whore for jewellery and domestic help, no, mummy’s in charge here and is just showing how wuvely a good mummy can be..

 Until her chest loses its hypnotic power that is. Then mummy’ll be kicked to the curb on her firm and shapely a** wondering “wha’ happened?” And baby’ll buy a brand new mummy!

 Then Saint Boob turns up at TamRAAA’s soaked bunco party, low cut wide open dress Christianly showing her holy relics, and feverishly tries to win the drinking game, just like Jesus would. Hey, ’tis but a short stretch from turning water into wine to sloshing back the shots and giggling at faux-lesbian moments between overaged would be sorority sluts. It’s almost a Holy Act of Saint Boob of the Rack. When she doesn’t know what to do, she always asks – how would Pastor Warren justify this? (She doesn’t often dare to wonder what Jesus would do – that might involve making do with just one nanny and maybe getting rid of the Bentley and perhaps giving SOMETHING ANYTHING to charity, which is like a consignment to Hell.) And she can go ahead and do/buy/employ/lift/tuck/extend/enlarge whatever it she wants know that Old Rick will help her feel all smug and justified. That’s what they pay him for. That’s how he converts a degree in theology into Mercedes and mansions, after all. Gotta do something with all that pious palaver.

 At the sad (but in a pathetic, desperate way) bunco party we were treated to Whozit, the would-be cougar from some seaons ago, desperately searching for relevancy or young meat she can pretend not to bonk, and still gorgeous Tammy who should know better than to associate with this bunch of tequila guzzling gals.

 And as usual Poor Lynn sat, dumfounded, and wondered why nobody paid much attention to her and if there were any good weed to be had. I mean weeds, like in the garden. Weeding, yeah, that’s the ticket. Not the other kind of weed. Hehehe. And the lightbulb that is her thought light buzzed and flickered and gutted out again.

 Despite the forced gaiety and high-pitched screams, it was all very much ‘as usual.’

 I guess TamRAAA needed a bit of play homosexuality and a good soaking in booze after she discovered that that intellectual paragon of a son of hers is so damned lazy (or interested in finding out what they say about life in jail after the lights go out and your cell-mate wants you to dress and talk pretty to him because that means he can pretend you’re his MaryLou and not some tattoo-scribbled-on loser just setting out on his downwardly mobile life) that he’d rather be incarcerated than pick up litter. Speaks volumes about his work ethic, huh?

 After all, Ickie, Gretch, TamRAA, Poor Lynn and Saint Boob o’ the Rack would drive me to drink too.

Species Name: Bottomfeedicus Soullessius

This is a group of people I’ve been wanting to thin from the herd from a while. When I started this blog back in September, Reality TV Whores were one of the first group of shitsticks that popped into my head. All I was waiting for was a topical reason to tear them a new one. Then through possible divine intervention, the above blonde dingleberry and her dingleberry husband came into my life.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, better known as the “White House Party Crashers,” managed to get past the Secret Service into the White House state dinner last Tuesday night. I know that I should be concerned that these two mysterious people managed to shake hands with the President and could’ve been Russian assassins for all anyone knows (I’ve seen a few Bond movies in my day), but the part that really chaps my ass is not the threat to national security these clowns posed, but that they did it as a publicity stunt to try to get casted on “The Real Housewives of Washington D.C.”

A reality show?! A fucking reality show?! Seriously?! Well it’s official, the country is ruined. There’s no righting this ship people. When nobody’s are sneaking into Presidential dinners, not so they can meet the leader of the free world, but with the ulterior motive to help land them on a reality show, we might as well just give up and move to Antarctica, where one can be free of these low life colostomy bags. A reality TV show! The bottom feeders of the entertainment world where you can be on TV without having any discernible talent, or being remotely interesting. Please excuse me while I light myself on fire.

• Bret Michaels wouldn’t ever be able to fall in love again. Oh wait, yeah he could, he could go out on dates like normal people, and spare himself a gonorrhea outbreak or two.

• No one would care if you think you could dance or not.
• That prepubescent fucktard on “Million Dollar Listing,” would continue being obnoxious, just not for all of America to see.

• Joel McHale would only have soap operas to make fun of on “The Soup”….RICK!!!!!!!!

• The names Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt would’ve never been uttered on television. Surely that would be heaven on Earth.
• Tyra Banks would’ve just retired off her millions from modeling instead of feeling the need to tell everyone about her fat ass or dress up in a fat suit on daytime TV. Groundbreaking Tyra, where’s that Peabody Award you so deserve?

• Anyone involved with the show, “Toddlers and Tiara’s,” would be arrested for prostituting those poor girls.

The parents of the spoiled little bitches on “My Super Sweet 16,” would secretly live in shame of their children walking all over them instead of having it on display for the whole world to see.
MTV and VH1 would go back to actually showing music videos again.

We’d all be better off if we didn’t have to endure the nonsensical babbling that comes out of these Reality TV Whores mouths. After all, we have enough problems to deal with in our own lives without having to worry about how to keep up with the Kardashians. You’re brain is begging you to turn that shit off, trust me. The truth of the matter is that reality TV is not going anywhere anytime soon, and we even get to look forward to an Octomom reality show, cause we haven’t heard enough about her yet. I can just about guarantee that trainwreck will get it’s own “Thinning the Herd.”

But one has to have dreams right?

Keeping up with the lovely and talented Jeana Keough (nee Tomasino), Miss November 1980, is purely exhausting. I will try to give you the highlights and just link to more in-depth explanations, because, holy heck, this woman has been one busy bee in the past few decades.

Photographed by Richard Fegley

Okay, first things first. She was married to Matt Keough, former All-Star pitcher for the Oakland A’s and, until four years ago, Billy Beane’s righthand man (read Moneyball. read Moneyball. read Moneyball.). After he was involved in a near-fatal drunk-driving hit-and-run accident in 2005, wherein he struck a pedestrian and fled the scene in a drunken daze, Keough was incarcerated for three months down in the sunny OC.

He and Ms. Tomasino parted ways not too long after that; in fact, according to this article (which calls her “Jenna” and quotes him as saying they are “fine”), it was a big “family fight” that lead him to leave the house after heavy drinking to begin with.

I actually didn’t know that about Keough, or forgot if I did hear about it. What I always think about with him is how he almost got killed in Arizona during Spring Training in the early 90’s. He got hit in the head by a ball. He survived, but it was really lucky. And thinking of that, despite that he was the pitcher and the batter almost struck him, always makes me think of the time in the early years of ball, when a spitball thrown by Carl Mays hit Earl Chapman in the head and killed him outright, making him the only player in the history of ball to get killed by a pitch, and how the spitball is now outlawed because of that and some other stuff … Keough’s situation was totally different, though — in fact, I actually am embarassed and wish I hadn’t run off on that tangent, but I got a shitload of pictures so at least there’s that.

Okay, so what has she done for us lately? Ms. Tomasino has continued to act — oh did I forget to mention she was in Mel Brooks’ History of the fucking World: Part I? because she WAS! amazing! She played the Vestal Virgin. Pretty rad, huh?!— but she is now playing a role more suited to her than that of a virgin: herself.

She was until last summer one of the women featured on Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Orange County. Here is her official site as a realtor, including a blog which is mainly just updates from her account on the twitter.

She is also an official co-spokesperson for Düzoxin, a duty she shares along with fitness model and infomercial poser Ali Sonoma; mixed-martial-artist and athletic products spokesmodel Jessica Pene (what the what?! HECK, YEAH! She sounds awesome! I am following up on her or my name is not Sportsy McViolentpants); and homemaker and makeup developer Ramona Singer, who stars on Real Housewives of New York.

Disclaimer: This post and the links I threw up just now to the spokespersons’ sites do not translate to an endorsement of the weight-loss product Düzoxin. First of all, never trust a product with an umlaut in it. I’m a big anti-umlaut guy from way back. Second, I think we all know crazy crash diets and pills are not a safe, sane, or lasting way to get fit.

The only healthy way to lose weight is diet and exercise, and the best way to get started is with the help of a qualified nutritionist or professional trainer. Orrrr you can do like I did and eat lots of Funyons and ready-cooked bacon straight out of the fridge, sit on your ass drinking Newcastle and watching ball all day, head out to pick up some teriyaki chicken bowl between games, hit a gypsy child with your car, get cursed by his grandma, and suddenly find the pounds are literally melting off.

Gypsy curse/diet and exercise. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Though she has quit the Real Housewives, people who care about her show have hinted that she will be coming back, so don’t go breaking out the noose just yet if you’re a big fan.

“I have to work and the summer is the best time for selling real estate.

“After four years of doing this, I really needed to focus on work and doing college searching with Colton and flying off to see Shane’s games. I needed to focus on me.”

She added: “I’ve been really busy working on a book and possibly doing another show because I am kind of missing it a little bit!” (“Housewives‘ Keough hints at new show.” Martin, Lara. DigitalSpy, 27 November 2009.)

I just bet. I have a feeling that as long as she has breath in that lovely body, Ms. Tomasino will be using it to her advantage. You keep on keepin’ on, girl!

Kayla Ewell looks radiantly beautiful on the November cover of Beauty Entertainment Magazine. Inside BE!, you’ll see a bevy of hot new stars, celebs and salon people. To subscribe, visit http://www.saloncity.com or http://www.amazon.com. To view November’s digital edition of BE! click on: Kayla Ewell Stars on BE!’s November 2009 Cover!

//

It’s season five of Bravo’s Real Housewives of Orange County and, like the rest of the country, the downturn in the economy has forced some of the Housewives into taking drastic measures to raise money: Gretchen held a garage sale, Jeana sold some of her watches and cars, Tamra fired her maid, then forced her family to help clean their home while the lack of money has caused “tension” in the Barney’s marriage. The following montage of videos are some helpful tips for the Housewives on how to survive on a Dollar Store budget and, save Tamra’s marriage.

No More Over-Priced, High End Designer Hair Products, Housewives of the OC Discover the World of Do-It-Yourself Hair Care

How to Keep the Grey Away from those Long Silky Tresses

Free Bikini Brush and Styling Guide!

How to Keep Hair Looking Great for Parties, Dining out, and Tanning Bed Parties!

Read more: Alexis Bellino: “Taliban” Jim and “Alexis” Barbie, Real Housewives of Orange County’s Newest Couple

by LBG
Original Image – Dollar USA Store

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I’m definitely not a fan of dry wine. Thursday’s are usually the best. I look forward to them, but tonight has been really dry and I haven’t enjoyed any of my usual shows. Well, here’s the break down.

America’s Next Top Model

Nov. 18, 2009 ANTM – Well, I stopped watching halfway through the season because I don’t think I can take it anymore. Everything is the same and there’s no intensity. I was rooting for Laura, but Nicole won. So, congratulations to the both of you.

Nicole wins America's Next Top Model/Photo Courtesy of the LA Times

Survivor

Survivor- Well well well, guess who found the immunity idol that was hidden under a rock? Yes, Mr. I-Secretly-Work-For-CBS himself, Russell. I. Knew. It. Laura has gone by by and the sneaky little Shambo and her little sidekick Russell are clicking their boots together right now. It seems as if the original Galu tribe is getting dumber and dumber. Unfortunately. Do I have a favorite player? No, but it would be wise to side with Russell these days.

Real Housewives of Orange County

Overall this episode was really dry. It was Jeana’s last episode and we were introduced to Alexis and her 18 carat ring. What?! Yes. Tamra was the usual bitch and admitted to being jealous of Alexis. Already? Yes, bring on the drama. I’m not sure what Alexis’s husband does but they’re very wealthy and I’m sure they’re not downsizing like the other housewives. Gretchen and Slade are fire every where they turn. I really hope things work out for them. He’s even reversing his vasectomy so they can have babies! They can do that??? I can’t imagine. Next week’s episode will be more interesting, I hope.

The new housewife/Photo Courtesy of Bravotv.com

Another dramatic season of The Real Housewives of Orange County has begun. Alliances have changed. Hair is blonder. Diamonds are bigger. More wrinkles have been Botoxed.

Let me just say that I cannot stomach any of them. They disgust me. Especially Tamra. And Vicky.

Sidenote:  This sketch of Vicky was too freaking funny not to include in this post.

First of all, Tamra is annoying as hell. No wonder her own husband can’t stand her and, by the looks of the previews, they end up getting a divorce. She really has it out for Gretchen but continually claims that Gretchen “shouldn’t involve her” in all of her drama and that she “never talks shit” about her, yet she was the one continually accusing her of cheating on her fiance. Blah blah. If anyone saw last week’s episode, you’ll know that all she does is talk about Gretchen, most likely because Tamra’s jealous Gretchen is younger and cuter. Tamra claims that her duty in life is to be the best mother and wife she can be. I’m not buying it. I sense that she’s falling a little short since she has a son who I believe is in jail and a husband who hates her. And they’re broke. Sorry boutcha!

If I ever saw Vicky in person, I would deliberately trip her. Some of my friends once saw her out at a bar and said she looked like an old leather bag. She was so mean to poor, subservient Don last season that I could have smacked her and her damn “love tank”. Oh and when she went to visit her son at Boulder and tried to like one of the college kids…. whew. You could see the steam coming out of her son’s ears when she unexpectedly showed up at his front door.

Lynne is always in her own little world, which I respect since she’s surrounded by lunatics. She could also probably beat the crap out of me with all of those boot camp classes she goes to. When she’s not busy working out or getting evicted, she makes/peddles leather cuffs that Vicky blatantly made clear she didn’t like. Her daughters worry me because she couldn’t care less what they do so they drink and get things like nose jobs. You know, the norm for teenagers in Orange County.

Lynne’s cuffs apparently are reason enough for Bravo to stage a dinner party around. And of course, all of the foes are invited. Tamra and Gretchen act like 15 year old girls and don’t acknowledge each other, so Vicky takes matters into her own hands and things really get awkward, especially when Jeana offers to eat someone’s macaroni. Personally, I think the fighting is getting a little old. No punches are ever thrown, only a little verbal hair pulling. Then it’s always ‘to be continued’.

Because of the stress and negativity from the dinner party (or as Vicky would put it, “toxic” people to be around) Gretchen had all of the positive people in her life over for a tanning party. I don’t know about you, but a tanning party is usually my go-to remedy to get my life back on track.

Overall, I’m over these Housewives. I want Jill Zaaaaaarin back!

November 12, 2009

Survivor

Russell has to be THE SMARTEST/DUMBEST fool to ever play Survivor. He’s playing the hell out of EVERYONE! Then the other side of me says he works for CBS and he’s getting the inside scoop. This guy keeps finding the immunity idols and if everyone else was smart instead of sitting around looking pretty, they would find it. And the bad thing is, Russell would have been GONE this round. As the winners of the challenge slid down slides and ate cake, he had found it before they even read the clue. He ALWAYS finds the idol before the person has the clue. So next week everyone is after him and they are trying to find the last idol and do you know what I say about that? SIT DOWN BITCHES IT’S TOO F’IN LATE!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so over this show, so over it. Russell WILL win the million because everyone else is just STUPID.

  

Photo Courtesy of CBS

Real Housewives of Orange County (RHOOC)

So we start of the show with Gretchen having a spray tan party. That’s cool but we could have gone without seeing Slade with the Sock C*ck. They didn’t blurr it out or anything; how rude.

Lynne…well, I just shake my head at her. I’m 22 years old, without kids and I guarantee you I could raise some better than her. Who lets their 17-year-old get plastic surgery?! She stated that her daughter has low self-esteem and she needs the plastic surgery to gain it back. Really Lynne? You’re probably one of those parents who never told your daughter how pretty, smart and special she really is because you were too busy A) Spending your husband’s money or B) Being your daughter’s BFF. No, it doesn’t work like that. The only one who has sense in that family is the 15-year-old. Yes, I believe she cried because her sister was getting a lot of attention BUT I do believe she was sincere when she told Lynn she didn’t want them to change and that they were being too materialistic. Lynne, you’re about as smart as the players on Survivor. :-/

And Mrs. Alexis, she’ll be a new person that Tamara ends up “hating” on. Lady, get a job and get out of everyone else’s business. This is why you’re “headed to divorce” as you said in the season premiere.

Photo Courtesy of bravotv.com

November 15, 2009

Amazing Race

I’m tired of everyone hating on the Globetrotters. They are the only team that’s helped every team at some point in this race. Sam and Dave, you are a bunch of bitches if you ask me. That run to the finish line was dirty, and not because you were prancing around in dirt in your tighty whities, but because you are dirt. And in the preview for next week they steal Ericka and Brian’s taxi. Of course, I would not expect anything else out of them. I hope Karma comes back around for them during the race. We all know it does, and it will.