Fuck that and fuck you.

I am thankful for a lot of things in my life. My friends, my family, my health, the roof over my head, my good job, etc.

One of the things I am most thankful for, however, is The Boyf.

I sent him this picture a few moments ago, describing it as our future bedroom.

(via)

His only response? “Could we please have a little bigger bed?”

Now that’s love right there, folks.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! See you on Friday with some Bits.

♥

This has been an incredibly difficult week for me. We are having a very difficult time with J. these days. I have been struggling with getting an accurate psychiatric diagnosis for him since I moved to this small town in August 2008. He has so much going on inside of his head. He has been through so much in his short life. Last January he was finally diagnosed with ADHD. He was immediately put on Adder all. The diagnosis, while a step in the right direction, didn’t include anything about all of the trauma he has experienced or other major symptoms that he has that could possibly be a form of autism. So needless to say over the last many months the difficult times have increased. He has become more frequently violent toward me and he struggles so much with thinking he should be in control at home. Makes for some interesting evenings I will admit. The thing is, I love my son so much! Will has made things so much easier for me to live through the violent cycles…teaching me how to restrain him to keep him, me and M. the 18 month old in the house safe when he gets that way. Hearing about the times of violence has been extremely hard for Will. It really upsets him to hear that J. has been hurting me. And on top of it, I bring him to his psychiatrist appointments and counselor appointments and all they said is that I need to be stricter that I must be too soft of a parent. This has been extremely frustrating for me and infuriating for him. We both know that I am not a “soft” parent. I and now we have tried everything we can think of to help him and stop this kind of behavior. Most guys would say…Mary after living through all of this with you for the last six and its just more than I can deal with right now….but not Will.

Will said to me just this morning. You are not in this alone. I love you and we will do whatever we need to do to get the best care and help for J. I need you to promise me you won’t let him hurt you. But he understands that there is a lot of pain, confusion and something else going on in that little boy. He has fallen in love as a father loves a son. And he wants the best for him. Wow! (tears) We are both committed to get the help he needs. We are taking him to a new doctor on Monday in a town that is 100 miles away.

Will arrives here at our house tomorrow afternoon and, as he tells me, we will work through this together! I want you to know that I am in awe of the man that Will is. As he says to me…”I don’t give up! I am in love with you Mary and I love J. and M. too!” This week during some very difficult moments with J. Will has reminded me that he isn’t going anywhere…he isn’t scared off and isn’t going to back off of being in our lives. Now that is a real man!!! He prays for J. on his own everyday as well as with me when we lift up all of our kids. He has been doing so much research on what the problem might be and what our options are to get him the help he needs. I am so grateful and relieved to have him at my side during these painful times. He doesn’t think what he is doing is a big deal. He said he wouldn’t do any less for his daughter and he loves J. so why shouldn’t he do all he can to help.

I just got off of the phone with him and he reminded me that he is so proud of me and the battle that I have been fighting to get J. the services he needs, the treatment he needs, the help he needs. He wants me to know that I am not alone anymore in the fight to get him help. When he told me he loves me and loves the boys he meant in the hard times too. So as we face difficult times over Thanksgiving even…Will has planned wonderful times to fit in between doctor’s visits.

We are so excited about his arriving here tomorrow afternoon and the very special time we will have together…at our house here setting up the Christmas tree together this weekend…even though it means that he spends the weekend sleeping on a very uncomfortable couch…He is 6′4″ tall. Getting up before the crack of dawn on Monday to drive out of town to the new doctor’s office. Spending Monday morning at doctor’s appointments. Possibly stopping at the state capital on our way to his town…giving the boys their first tour of Missouri’s state capital building (weather permitting), then driving the rest of the way to his house for a couple of days. Shhhh! Don’t tell him, but we are planning on getting out of his hair for a while on Tuesday so that he gets to write for a while before we set off to his parents house for an old fashioned diabetic friendly Thanksgiving. We’ll spend the weekend with his parents and brother’s family. We’ll even get in some last minute Christmas shopping and a trip to Springfield to take his mom to the doctor there before making the five hour trip back to my house in time to get J. ready to go back to school.

Funny thing is….even though these months have been extremely exhausting as I deal with all of the challenges with J. and chasing an ever growing toddler who won’t slow down for anything (wasn’t he just a baby?)….I have never been more at peace or happier in my life!!! I have my best friend, the love of my life at my side!!

We are asking for prayer partners as we face the challenges with J. and seeing doctors and get evaluations done. We are praying hard and have gotten our prayer warrior friends and family members to pray. Will you join us? We will keep you posted on the progress of this challenging journey. And as you might guess…this Thankgiving…I am thankful for Will Pershing…my best friend, my boyfriend, a real man of God who knows what love means…being at my side through this rough patch in life’s journey.

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I have been on a journey these past few months. It’s been challenging and yet there have also been periods of astounding bliss and freedom.  It’s just mind blowing.

Whether you are a person who believes in this notion of Awakening, isn’t important at this time but  at least be open to what it means and that is basically what I explained above, bliss and freedom.

Even during these what seems like frighten times, fear and stress producing times I have felt more alive  than ever before. With some recent situations, I have been able to deal with them entirely different than how i would have normally reacted. Normal I would have been stress, uneasy and panicked but I was able to be calm, collected and just flow with it. My perception has changed.

I’m still learning. There are somethings that I still get stressed out about but its no longer long lasting. I’m open to trying new things, experiencing new people, and ultimately LOVE.

Love, its all about love. Love for yourself and who you are…Love for others because you know who you are.

Thank you for reading. I encourage you to continue to do what makes you happy and allow love to take over. Real love.

I would like to share with you all an interesting video I came across recently. ENJOY

XD

matapos ang malakas na unos na dumating, isang lindol naman ang bumagabag at yumanig sa isip niya habang binabagtas ang daang may mga parisukat na disenyo, paikot sa university oval na iyon..maraming tao ang naglalakad, para bang hindi na mauubos pa kahit magsabog man ang kalangitan ng dilim dahil sa pag-alis ng liwanag ng araw..at sa puntong iyon, tila tumigil ang oras ng katotohanan, hindi lang dahil sa naguguluhan ang isip ngunit sa hindi na niya matanto ang susunod pang mga mangyayari..wala ng kalinawan pa ang mga bagay na darating..

isang buntong-hiniga matapos tumagaktak ang pawis dahil sa kainitan ng kahapunan..minsan payapa ang kalooban, sa tuwing ang mga mata niya ay sumusulyap at nakikipagyakapan sa mata ng kanyang kasama..at sa tuwing inaalis ang mga bisig ng kanilang mga mata, tila bumabalik ang masalimuot na nararamdaman na nadama kani-kanina lamang..sa sa nalalapit na pamamaalam, ibinuka ng isa ang mga katagang tungkol sa pagpigil..hindi niya maunawaan ngunit pumasok iyon sa kanyang isipan..hindi malaman ang gagawin, hindi malaman ang sasabihin..tanging “ingat” lang ang nanggaling sa bibig hanggang sa ang kanilang mga landas ay nahati at  parang napunit na  pati ang mga sulsi niyon..

“sa wakas! nakapagsulat din..sa dalawang linggong nakalipas, tanging mga salitang ingles at mga numero na muna ang nakikita ko..siyempre, dahil sa pinalad na “makalusot” sa upcat at sa dost scholarship, hindi na ko nagdalawang isip na kunin ang opportunity na makapagreview at makapaghanda sa college life na tinatawag..freshy kasi eh..marami na ring akong napuntahan, at mostly sa manila..medyo palagi nga lang ako sa up diliman dahil may soep na tinatawag..ai, summer orientation and enrichment program pala iyon..at speaking of that event, masaya naman ako sa bagong experiencce dahil marami akong natutunan na bago, (na para bang gusto ko ng ikahiya ang highschool life dahil kulang ang natutunan..) marami din akong nakilalang kaibigan..at take note, mas masasayang kaibigan..”

“ang mga huling araw ko noong highschool, masasabing isang plane crash iyon, puro kabiguan, at nalayo sa mga kaibigan..at ngayong summer, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang sinasabi nilang isang buhat..at para bang sana, soep na lang ang mga mangyayari sa buhay..wahaha..bang saya kasi..hmm..masaya..masaya..tama, masaya nga..magulo, magulo..siguro, magulo..ewan ko, haaay..”

“mula sa mga corny kong jokes, mga hagikgik ni trixia, ang pagiging emo ni leonard, pagiging cute at sexy “daw” ni mona, ang mga out of this world na jokes ni prince, ang kaliitan ni jara, ang pagiging bida ni pevee( senxa kung mali spelling, haha..), ang kaweirdohan ni stephen, ang pagsasayaw ni jp, ang survivor type ni arem( spelling?), ang mga tingin at kakulitan ni rico, at hanggang sa pagsasamahan ng iba pa, parang sana, sila na lang ang mga taong makakasama ko sa kolehiyo..kaso, pagkatapos nito, magkakahiwa-hiwalay na ng landas..habang sinusulat ko ito ay dalawang linggo na lamang ang nalalabi..”

“bro never fails me to give mind-boggling situations that i must solve for myself..walanja kasi, bat ba ganun? may mga bagay talagang akala mo ok na, tapos kinabukasan hindi pa pala..”

sumakay na siya, nag-iisip pa din, naguguluhan pa din..may dumaang magkahawak kamay..may sumakay sa jeep na magkaibigan..may lalaking dala ang mga anak niya..hanggang sa napuno na ang jeep na kung nasaan siya..iniisip pa din ang mga matang iyon..mga mata niya..siguro hanggang sulyap na lamang siya? hanggang sa dumadaan na sa mausok na siyudad, hanggang sa bumaba siya upang maghintay ulit ng sasakyan pauwi..

“siyempre, nakakamis din naman ang mga kaibigan kong matagal ko ng hindi nakikita..”

“at tungkol naman sa buhay sa maynila, ayun, medyo iba sa kinagisnan kong lugar..siguro, magiging mas maraming experience at adventure na naman ang mangyayari kay sarimau sa pagkakataong ito..”

hanggang sa nakasakay na ulit siya, nakauwi, at matapos gawin ang mga dapat gawin, nakatulog siya na gulung-gulo pa din ang mga bagay sa isip niya..ipinikit ang mga mata, napanatag ang paghinga, ngunit, hindi malaman, kung ang unos na iyon, ay humahagupit pa din sa kinabukasan..

“may mga panahong ang nararamdamn ko ay pagkatakot, siyempre, ibang teritoryo na ang papasukin ko, at sa mga nababalitaan ko sa buhay na iyon, baka maculture shock ako sa panibagong pamumuhay..pero, isa lang sure ko, kailangang magawa na ng tama, at ayos na, hindi ko na makikita ang mga magulang, hindi ako iyong tipong mahohome sick dahil sa kanila, hehe, independent ata ito, siguro may pagkakataong hahanaphanapin pero kailangang maging mag-isa na lang..”

sa pagbukas ng kanyang mga mata, siya na agad ang naisip niya..hindi pa rin malimutan ang mga katagang ngayon ay hindi na niya maintindihan..hindi pa ito ang oras para isipin ang mga bagay na iyon pero sa tingin niya, hindi naman maaaring ipag-walang bahala na lamang ang nararamdaman..

“panibagong buhay na naman ang tatahakin ko..kaya goodluck na lamang sa akin..hanggang sa susunod na lang..”

at matapos niyang magising, dumeretso na kagad siya sa kanyang panulat at inihayag ang mga nararamdaman ng isang lalaking naguguluhan, kasabay ng mga nangyari sa dalawang linggong pinagdaanan..tinapos na niya ang mga letrang bumubuo sa pagkakomplikado ng nararamdaman..isang buntong hininga..isa pa..

sana isang panaginip na lamang na hindi na muling magising pa..

isang buntong hininga..

isa pa..

XI

Every once in a while I think about that girl and the fairytale thing we had; I wonder if we would still be amazing if we were together now. And I’ll never know cause the minute it got hard, the minute it stopped being a fairytale, I cut and ran.  Real life is hard.  Real stuff takes work.  Real life is sometimes thoughtless and mean but that doesn’t cancel out the love.*

Just something I KNOW my ex will think one day…sad and yet it is truth and I must say it feels good to know that one day he will fully realize all that he lost. He will see and it will be too late and all he will do is wonder….maybe it is wrong to let that make me feel good but here is my honesty…this blog…and it feels good.

11-16-09   8:18 pm

* Quote taken from Private Practice episode airing 11-12-09. 

Written to Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k   the video from youtube

Usual distinct forms of puppy love:
1. Sudden infatuation
2. Labeling almost everything your crush does, says and does not do, in comparison, cute, dashing, admirable and just makes you sigh like a lovesick schoolgirl
3. Anything negative is quickly recognized, yet ultimately ignored
4. Your actions and thoughts seem to be absolutely blinded by this individual and a large chunk of what you do revolves around their personality. …Or rather the persona that you aimlessly perceive to be their rightful personality.
5. You want to instantly know “everything” about them–meaning “their thoughts of you, the types of people they are interested in, their measurements, their level of kinkiness and how quick you can test the waters together.

From my experience, I fell into puppy love a lot growing up and rather quickly too. But it was in bursts. I had a new boyfriend every new school year during high school; online and offline.

There was one particular guy, whose name will not be mentioned, who I really really liked and the feeling was mutual. But he was very flighty and too easily manipulated, and also easily duped. But all that aside, I still wanted to really really really be with him and for months he was all I could mostly think about. I wanted to ‘capture’ him and then see if we were compatible or not.
If not, then the infatuation would end there and we’d split of different ways but still remain friends. If we were compatible, then we would have become a couple.

The bottom line is, I continued to hold interest after a few weeks after meeting this guy and wanted to kiss him badly to know where we stood. And even through all that I thought I was “in love”, in a sense. I knew it was puppy love but it still felt like a strong love.
Although, I knew better. The kiss never happened, and I’m glad it didn’t.
If it did, I think we would have been worse off.

Signs of real love

1. That cutesy stuff tends to meet its match
2. Mutual compromises arise
3. You want to do things just not out of adoration for your significant other/crush, but for their well-being
4. You realize that the word ‘love’ has a much deeper and more solid meaning than being someone who can buy the most chocolates and roses and burn cash like it’s compost. It’s also security; foundation; trust.
5. Flings? What flings? They don’t exist.
6. A part of yourself lives within your partner and vise versa–two halves making a whole, so to speak.
7. You still may want to do fun things with your significant other; fun and cute things, but the meaning has to be strongly mutual to better both yourselves and your relationship

As I said before, I’ve only been in true real love once and I am still in that relationship ^^
I don’t plan on leaving.

So! What’s the sum up?

Puppy Love= short term (Great for flings, one-night stands, and those being introduced into the realm of love as a beginner to later evolve into happening upon real love in the future)

Real Love= long term (speaks for itself. If you can’t stand waking up to the same face in the morning, you may not be in real enough love to be able to do so)

In order for there to be recognizable problems to solve in a loving relationship, one has to first be in a relationship.
And I’m not talking about gushy puppy-love when almost everything your crush does is cute and the negatives are passed off as “oh, that can be fixed later!”.

That phase is quite popular throughout high school years.

Once the flighty puppy-love stage is passed, when you realize yourself starting to change for this other person, you may be falling in love. Not change in the sense that you do a complete false 180, in hopes to impress them by being something you’re really not, but subtle changes.

For example: you always spoke before considering another’s feelings but after having affection for someone else, whose presence truly effects you, you pause to reconsider your actions.
And you become a better person because of such a change.
Changing for the better, for both individuals is a huge chunk of a true loving relationship. Even if it may take years to fully fix, as long as the efforts are being put forth for it to be so, it will be noticed and appreciated.

But that is only one example. Actual deep love doesn’t just happen upon one overnight. Like anything worthwhile, it takes time.

I didn’t get into my first and only real relationship with absolute, grade A, 100% true, real love until I was about 18. I’m 24 going on 25 now, and that real love is still going on strong.
Although I had been in many other types of relationships before, they were either temporary or giant lies or I felt obligated to be in them.

If there is someone who you’ve had your eyes on and/or vice versa, and you want to ask certain questions that you may be uncertain exactly how to say them, you may take a look at this book: 1000 Questions for couples
So what do you do after you fall in real love?

lol After much patience, trying not to rip your or your significant other’s hair out is a very good start.

I know, all these things you say when you’re in love (or think you are, for most of the teenagers I know) are so corny, but I can relate to them all.

‘You’re the air I breathe.’
‘You’re my world.’
‘I can’t live without you.’
‘You’ve saved me.’

But all of these are true for me.
I’ve found someone that’s so perfect for me, and he really has saved me. If he didn’t come into my life, I would’ve killed myself by now.

I hear all these people my age talking about love, but they don’t know what it is. They date someone for a few weeks, get their heart broken, move on to someone else within the next week. That’s not love.
The word love is used too much these days. I feel like it’s almost lost it’s meaning.
If I want to tell Ben that I love him, I can’t explain it, because so many people have worn out the word love.

What I feel, it’s real. I know this. I know I’ll be with Ben for a long, long, long time. A lifetime.

Sometimes, Iwish I could just tell people that they don’t know what they’re on about, when they claim to be in love. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking ‘Well, you’re just as silly, you probably don’t know what you’re on about’, but I really do. I see so many couples breaking up, fighting, cheating and all this stuff, and to most people that’s normal.

That’s not normal to me. How can you fight with someone and then claim you love them?
I read in someones MySpace ‘About me’ section something along the lines of ‘We’ve had so many fights, a lot more than we should’ve, but it’s okay because what we’ve got is real love.’

Hmm… is it real love?
I don’t think so.
Disagreements are normal. You have to have those to voice your opinion. But fighting daily with a partner, that’s not love. That’s you wanting sex, or not wanting to be alone. Fights are for enemies, not for lovers.

Anyway, I didn’t actually come on here to rant.
I just came by to say, I’m glad I’ve found real love, because not many people come across that.
I wish there were words to say ‘I love you more than the words I love you’. If there were, I’d use them everyday and I’d mean them.

Sorry about the ranting, I don’t even know if I made sense. I just let it all out.

I LOVE YOU BENJAMIN XUEREB.

Well, I mean the title sorta speaks for itself, but it is such a complex topic, it really is. I have talked about it before on my posts at least in some sense. Though the past few days I have been thinking a lot about it and it is just such an immense thing, when you really get down to it, and it is probably something I could spend the rest of my blogging days talking about, from the tiniest aspect to the grand plan.

I have been just trying to accept this a lot, I guess the idea of Love in general, and I mean something radical from the casual chic flicks that society seems to embrace and call, “true romance”. I mean, all those flowers and pish posh nonsense and the senseless casting away everything. I mean, that is all well and good, and it has its place, but not in the way movies pronounce it.

Maybe, I am trying to explain here is what pure Love is, not “t”rue Love, but Pure Love. This is the kind where, at least from my own novice perception is just an honest accepting Love. This is the kind that one cannot become so annoyed that it affects a person’s opinion. This is the kind that one cannot become so angry that it stops a person from speaking to one another. This is the kind that one always understands even if sometimes bias come up, but at least there is an accepting ear after such a rant.

I know, this may be a bit abstract, but I am going to try and explain this as best as I can. Anything that disturbs the perception of Love in Pure Love is merely a passing thing, but does not lessen the feeling at all. They have the same Love no matter the mood, it only superficially appears to ebb or wane. The thing is that Pure Love does not change in essence.

The idea here that I am coming up with is totally new with me. I am not even sure exactly what it is, but I have been thinking of this concept. Am I saying I have a Pure Love? I may for say my mother and brother. I don’t have a grasp of it in its entirety. The main thing is that this Love, Pure Love, does not “grow” like they have the cliché in the movies, where Love apparently “grows”.

What I am bringing to mind is the fact that we become more aware of our Love for someone. And this is especially true for Pure Love. By becoming more aware it appears that our Love grows, but in essence we just feel more. It is like when you fill a pool and put a blind man in the pool. (The pool of course is shallow) Yet, the blind man feels around and he may stay in one spot for a while, but after a time he will feel around and in turn become more aware of how large that pool actually is. That is what Pure Love is like.

I think it’s time for me to start feeling around, because there is so much to find in these depths.

xoxoxo

We think we have settled on a church…actually the one we picked out of a phone book when we were here in Feb for the job interview. Which church it is, isn’t as important for this story. Sun morning we were there and it was one of those times God just seemed to put his finger on me and push. We have been in a series of sermons titled “Just give me Jesus” mostly taken from Mark. During the worship time a song was led that contained the words, “All I really need is Jesus”.  That is a common phrase sung by Christians all over the US if not the world. I had to stop and ask myself if I could really be honest and say that. Can I give up all I have as long as I have Him…..

Well, as the service continued, I began to notice an elderly couple near the front where the man was next to his wife. At one point she leaned over the chair in front of her and appeared to be messing with the seat in front of her where a young man was standing. Her husband leaned over, put his arm around her, spoke a few words and they both straightened up and continued in the worship time. Later he put her coat on her and zipped it up to get her ready to leave. After some watching it was clear to me she was not her former self mentally and he had to take complete care of her and see to essentially all her needs. They were certainly not dressed well to reflect wealth and this man was demonstrating a love for his wife that was second to none. I have been in love with my wife for more than 30 years but I haven’t had to show her the kind of love this man is giving his wife. I hope I don’t have to for her sake but I have been struck with the demonstration of love I don’t often see. I have wondered why God allows people to lose their mental capacity but I can say through the example of this couple I was reminded what love really is. Giving it when there is no hope of return……If Jesus is all I need, I might be able to do that.

Alzheimers brain on the left - gotta love it...

By the way, the sermon taught by the pastor was very good that morning…but not as good as the one in the seats.  If we could each “preach” a sermon like that with our lives, we would have far stronger churches in the land.

The brain pics? The one on the left is showing deterioration or atrophy that generally occurs with dementia. Not a pretty sight.

I have learned that love has different meanings to many people. The source of real love comes from God. Sometimes we feel it through our interactions with others but that source is always and ever available to us. We must slow down and quiet down to connect with the God of our understanding. If your faith in the reality of this love is on shaking ground take a moment to read this beautiful prayer about God’s Love from the energy healer and author Carol Tuttle.

“God loves you and you are worth all he has to offer. Regardless of your actions, in spite of your weaknesses, you deserve God’s love. There are no conditions and nothing you must do to earn it. The love of God, by his very nature of being God, is constant and unchangeable. It is always there for you – no matter what.”

So go out today and carry that love with you and then share it with those you pass by today. Share it with a smile or a hug. Whisper “I love you” to your child as they do their homework. Call a friend and tell them they matter to you. There are healing properties that accompany moments of loving. My understanding of God is that He will never tire of you. He will never leave you. He will never run low on love for you.

Blogging about love. Everyone wants to be Loved. What is the real meaning of  love?  The things that people do for Love! Is love happiness  ? Does happiness lead to a longer life? Love is a beautiful thing when it comes  from the heart.

Will some of us never  find true love? You must first learn to be honest with yourself. Then it will be easier to fall in love! How do some people fall in and out of  love  weekly, monthly, and yearly?

Here’s a (demo) song written for my wife on her 30th birthday six years ago. The wonderful couples seen in this video are people my wife and I work and associate with. With a few simple photographs and film clips I just wanted to show the special bond that can and should exist between husband and wife.

The most frequent and beautiful face seen in the video is of course that of my wife, Angelica (together with the cutest face, baby Isak’s). Friend, companion, lover, and wife, she is the answer to my prayers.

The other night I stumbled upon a video of Jacob Hanly singing his song “I still want you.” I listened on repeat and tears spilled down my face as the words washed over my heart, connecting with a much weakened resolve to love the Lord. Lately all I seem to feel is darkness. I want to love. I want to feel love. Tiny shimmers of light keep breaking through and for a brief moment I feel like all is well when suddenly the darkness explodes in again. The truth of the matter is that I’m left without any desire or will to fight so I sit and it takes over.

I need a revelation of the Father’s love. For if I truly understood what He has given and how He has reached out and how he continues to reach out then everything else would fade in comparison. I’ve always yearned for love to chase me. I know that some of that comes from the fantasy of chick flicks. There is an unrealistic picture of perfection that has been raised up in our hearts because of thousands of 2-hour stories that portray love as simple and romance as easy. The woman is always beautiful. The man always ends up needing her more than anything and proving so through various means of extravagance. I don’t want Hollywood to define love for me. And yet….

Isn’t the love of God the most extravagant of all? My Bible shows me a picture of a groom who truly gave everything. I believe that it is God who placed inside the heart of every woman the longing to be sought after. Not just in the initial stages of a romantic relationship, but forever. We will always yearn to be pursued in every stage of life. It is not wrong to want to know that we are worth any inconvenience and any sacrifice. Why? Because we are worth it. He has already pursued my heart more than any man possibly can. He has given me the desire to be pursued by an extravagant love because that is what he IS and that is what He does. Even when others fail, He is there, beckoning us to rest in His perfect love. If I know this….why is it not enough?

Song of Solomon 2:4 says that he brought her to the banqueting table and His banner over her was love. That speaks so strongly to my heart because it meant that she was safe. She could trust that no matter where he took her, no matter who was around, His banner would be over her and it would proclaim love. Oh to feel safe! To know that regardless what you did or said, or what season you were going through, or who’s picture of perfection as a wife or mother or woman or Christian you didn’t or couldn’t live up to…you are safe because He loves you and his banner speaks nothing but love.

I’ve found myself in the past few months looking at things with bitterness when I used to look with longing. I’ve come to a point where I no longer believe some aspects of love are mine or should be mine and I’ve allowed them to curl up inside of me until they’ve nearly died. But the truth is that they can never die because HE has created me with the needs and wants that I have. He is not shocked or repulsed by them. Even as I’ve shrunk back, my heart is crying for Him to see the “want to” hidden there. To notice the tiny gestures I’m making and tenderly love me back into the assurance that I am all He’s ever wanted. And in this time I find myself crying to the Lord, again and again “WHAT IS LOVE!? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE CLINGING TO?!?!”

“Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend.” – John 15:13. I whispered this over and over to myself as I sat weeping in the prayer room on Saturday. I desperately needed to know that someone loves me so much that they’d give everything. Everything. Really and truly. He gave everything. And that is what love is. He gave it all so we could take His name. We can let go of who we were and join His family. He does not make us into something we are not or expect us to become someone else. He LOVES us as we are and only desires to refine who that person already is until we are living in the reality of who we were created to be. Taking on His name means that we are coming under his protection. It means we are safe. It means we have a high priest and a lover and a papa. Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us – to love and be loved without the chains of expectations!

My soul yearns to understand all of this. To believe that love is really what He says it is.

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous
or boastful
or proud
or rude
It does not demand it’s own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives us,
never loses faith,
is always hopeful,
and endures through every circumstance

I am afraid to love this way because deep down I do not want to give more than I am getting. I do not believe that this type of love is going to be given to me. I fear looking foolish. For if I give everything and do not get it back…what does that make others think about what I am worth? I am desperate to feel WORTHY of love. At the same time, I’m afraid to let others love me this way because I don’t want to be a burden. Any gesture towards me is met with panic inside that I won’t be able to match what they’ve done. I sabotage myself.

AND YET….He first loved me. Even if nobody else looks, His eyes are on me and they are KIND. I ravish his heart. I don’t think I’ve ever ravished anyone’s heart before. I take his very breath away. I KNOW I’ve never taken someone’s breath before. But the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, who created the earth looks at me as if I am the only woman He sees. The thought of a gaze like that takes MY breath away!

“And though you’ve told me a thousand times, what do you see, what do you feel when you look at me? Come and say it again like the first time”

Jesus…come and love me. I’m desperate to know how you feel. Teach my heart to rest in love. I’m not giving up. I still want to love you. I believe I move your heart…help my unbelief. “I love you, I still want you. I’ll never stray too far from home. I love you, I still want you. I’ll give you all my heart and soul”.

JOSEPH AZIZE PAGE

Joseph.Azize@googlemail.com

John Lennon

Tennessee Williams

Lennon took a rather high view of the artist’s role and mission in society. He not only preached it, he indulged himself (and his second wife) in living the life of the socially-conscious avant-garde artist, and living it rather expansively. There was a rationale, if not an ideology behind it. One could conceive Lennon producing a manifesto to the effect that the role of the artist is to animate people by mediating a cultural influence, and, in rare cases, at the tip of the flower of culture, a spiritual influence. This influence comes through in the artist’s work, but as the Lennons saw “art” as a river without banks, it also flowed through their lives. If artists have the privilege of being opinion makers, leaders and teachers, there are also responsibilities and prices. Artists are responsible to use their public profile to spread a positive message. But this profile exacts a price, the notorious down-side of living in the public eye, and being vulnerable to misunderstanding and abuse, especially from the jackals of the media.