I am having a meal with my nutritionist and another person who has been in treatment with me (we are really good friends, we see the same nutritionist–great support for each other!). My nutritionist wants me to set goals for our meal for me:

1. Sit with the anxiety after eating. For some reason, I am overly anxious after eating, especially if others are still eating and there is still food on the table.

2. With #1….eating slowly. Or, at least a normal pace.

3. Really taste the food. Appreciate it. Don’t just gobble it down to get it off of the plate. For some reason, I am overly concerned with other people (or even myself) with people seeing what I eat. For example, I had a peppermint chocolate with me in class and unwrapped it inside of my hooded sweatshirt pocket and popped it in my mouth when everyone was talking….and, even on my own, like I may cover my chips or something with a napkin until I am ready to eat them or when I “think” I’ve had enough.

4. Try something new. Or, eat the same thing, but order it because I want to and not because I “have” to.

My Thanksgiving was interesting….I’ve been getting over bronchitis and pneumonia and I will honestly admit here that I used that as an excuse to not eat as much as I wanted to or probably should have. Food is so celebrated in my family (immediate and extended), that it is always a struggle to eat holiday type meals with them. In one second, they are talking about healthy options and low-fat whatever in foods and the next about all the desserts they are going to eat or want to make. And, they all want me to eat more and more. I think that my parents noticed that my body may have changed (aka lost weight). I made an effort to wear clothing that made me look larger. There are only so many comments that I can handle at one time. My parents kept trying to give me snacks and food and looking at everything I eat. I am trying so hard to really eat healthy and not rely on a handful of specific foods to be “healthy” with.

But, who knows. We didn’t really talk. My mom and I went shopping today and I fell asleep in the car (I never DO that) from not feeling well at all. And, they asked me if my medication from my various germs was causing appetite issues—which it really is. I’ve had no appetite since I started taking it and it makes my mouth taste horrid…so food tastes bad.  But only a week or so longer.

On a positive note, my mom made a dessert just for me (a sugar cookie bottom with different fruits on the top) and it was fantastic. I think she was happy that I liked it. I was happy that I liked. I was honestly thankful that I liked it, tasted a food and really enjoyed what I was eating. I was afraid I would keep eating it and not be able to stop, but I let myself have another piece today and nothing bad happened. I just enjoyed it again–haha who would have thought????

So, to wrap up this Thanksgiving weekend….things I am thankful for (in no particular order….):

1. Medical and dental insurance (especially since I am pretty sure  I have a cavity!). And, my healing foot.

2. Yoga (haha would not forget that one). I have not been able to do yoga but a handful of times due to my foot issue….it still is present in my day-to-day life. I love yoga. When I am able to go back, I will embrace it. Until then, I remember what it does for me and how much it has made a difference in my life–from appreciating my body to the people I have met.

3. Friendships. I have never been one to be surrounded by friends….but, those that I have surrounded myself by now are amazing. Not all of them know all about me, but all of them care about me. And, I care about them. We can laugh, we can cry….we can just be ourselves, our amazing selves. I’m grateful for both my new/growing friendship and my old friends that never stop developing.

4. My ability to play flute. I don’t play very often. I played daily for over a decade, but graduate school has reduced that significantly. I play with a chamber group now and just feel so relaxed whenever I play–no matter what.

5. My hearing and vision. I have hearing aids and glasses. At first, I was like, “wow, how tragic am I.” But, that lasted all of 5 minutes when I was like, “you are crazy!” I work with children with significant disabilities—-things that I cannot fix not matter how much research I do, just give improvements, never fix. I am thankful for my hearing aids and glasses. I love them so much. I love sounds. I love sights. I know that neither will ever be perfect and they will probably continue to worsen as I get older, but I know that they can be “fixed” and I know how wonderful they are. I heard really heard leaves the other day. Beautiful.

6. My family. We may drive each other nuts, but I love them. I know they would do anything for, as I would for them. I wish I could talk to them more. I wish they knew how stressed I was about everything going on, but I know they love me unconditionally not matter what has gone on. And, for that I am grateful, thankful, fortunate, and humbled. Along with that…..My little brother. He is a lot younger than I am, but he has started opening up to me and really having conversations. I am glad that we are finally getting a real brother sister relationship (I took care of him a lot when he was growing up) and that we can just hang out and enjoy each others’ company.

7. My therapist and nutritionist (and my psychiatrist who let me come to the idea of medication on my own–didn’t push it). They have been there through the “thick and thin”–reminding me that it is okay to fall, and helping me get back up….reminding me that it is okay to do new thing and enjoy life, and celebrating those things with me. I have also met several amazing people through treatment, I would not be the same without them.

8. My intelligence. I am fueled through learning. I love learning. I am thankful that I can learn, problem solve, research, and explain things. So many people take that ability for granted. I love that I can read a book and enjoy it without struggling to read it. I love that I can do math and problem solve. I even love that I struggle in a certain horrid statistics class, because it reminds me of how hard my brain works and how wonderful it is.

9. My pay check. There are billions of financial aid issues going on and I literally have no idea what is going to happen next semester, but I am still grateful for my continued stipend and the people who have helped me to figure out my situation–even if it is just listening to me vent and just providing support.

10. My degrees and knowing what I want to do with my life. I think it is so hard to decide that, but I am very grateful that I know my passion. And, that I have degrees that I can use to have jobs. I am proud to say that I am getting my PhD. I used to be embarrassed by this–like it would make someone feel less or inferior. I’m 25 years old and getting my PhD, I’m making a difference in students’ lives and really enjoying what I do. There, said it!

11. My creativity. I love expressing myself through art and photography. I have been trying to set aside 30 minutes a day for it. Hasn’t worked yet, but not giving up on it!

12. Emotions. I think my therapist would fall over if she read this one. I have a hard time accepting and acknowledging my emotions. In doing both of these, I very much appreciate them.

13. My apartment. It is just “me.” It has everything in it that makes me feel comfortable and things that make me unique from my travels around the world and just from here. Books…pictures, words, huge metal lizard from Africa (seriously), bowls from the Middle East, elephant and scarf from India, pretty cups from Europe….my apartment is me. I feel like myself in it.

14. Words. I think that this is the first time I’ve really used group for myself–not just supporting others but letting myself be supported. And, I’ve learned that my words are not meaningless. I have something to say.  I am a valid person–whether that is in academic or personal settings.

15. Writing, I think that if I did not have this blog, I would have a very hard time communicating. At the same time, I have “met” others who have reminded me that I am not alone and have provided support.

16. My faith. I wish that I was closer to God. I really want to go back to church more regularly. I stopped going because of the emotions that it brought up, but I need to feel that love again. And, to be reminded that I am loved. I have plans for Sunday. Emotions and feelings are good

What the hell happened?!  One week ago, I was so bored I could have cried.  I spent all of my time sitting at home doing NOTHING… Now I’m desperate to stop and take a breath.  I tried to write a few hours ago, but had so many people trying to talk to me that the effort proved futile. 

Over the past few boring weeks, my sleeping habits had pretty much returned to normal and the insomnia subsided… But when I return to work I’ll be on second shift- I’ve been trying to keep myself up late, so there’s no shock to the system when I’m driving home at 11 pm.  It hasn’t been much of a challenge to stay up late, I’ve had so much to do.

Mum decided to go easy on herself for this Thanksgiving- She made mashed potatoes and a pumpkin pie, then delegated the rest of the meal.   I’d spent most of the evening with a friend, so I ended up cooking and baking into the night… I made my first casserole and a few dozen ginger snap cookies, then made the veggies in the morning. 

Thanksgiving was wonderful- My parents, my siblings and their posses, and grandparents…. And no drama, tension or other discomfort.   I thought I was in real trouble when my grandmother broke out a bottle my favorite white wine, but it proved to be a lesson… My dad put the wine in the fridge, and while I spent the afternoon mentally preparing to say no, every one else completely forgot that it was there.  To my alcoholic brain, there’s no such thing as out of sight, out of mind… But no one else gave it a second thought.   After we ate, when they were picking up to go home, my dad asked if she wanted to take it, since we never opened it- Gram said no, they wouldn’t drink it.  I spent a brief moment pondering how one could posses a botte of wine and not drink it, and then had a moment of clarity- That’s why I’m an alcoholic and they aren’t.  In the end, the bottle was never opened- I visited my parents again today, and it was still in the fridge, cork intact. 

My family has a long list of holiday traditions.  The day after Thanksgiving is the day that the Christmas tree goes up, every year.  Since we’ve all grown and moved out, mum hasn’t really enforced this tradition- But my sister K and I offered to come by today to help her, and she was thrilled.  I got there first and helped her put up the (fake) tree.  Then we put on the lights.  Mum must have told me five times that it was wonderful to have some one to help her, instead of having to put it up alone.  It made my day to see her so happy.  K and her family came just in time for ornaments, and the baby “helped” with the unbreakables… Its always a joy to see her discover something new.  It took a while to get everything on there- Its my 26th Christmas and I’m still amazed at how many ornaments we fit on the damn tree.   But its up and its done and its beautiful. 

I skipped having left overs for lunch- Had to get home and start baking.  We’re having a baby shower for DA tomorrow, and I’m commited to cupcakes and cookies.  I braved the Black Friday crowd and hit WalMart this morning for baking supplies… Luckily I came out alive.  It wasn’t as bad as I’d anticipated, but there were still a lot of people in a relatively small store.  I also picked up a few small gifts… I REALLY didn’t have the money to spend, but I can’t show up empty handed, its not my style.  My dear friend needs EVERYTHING for the baby… And I know that ANYTHING I bring will help.  I don’t mind stretching my paycheck when I know it’ll be appreciated.  I did, however, wrap everything in Christmas paper, because that’s all that I have… But its blue, and they’re having a boy, so  its not totally inappropriate.

Right now, I’m finishing a cup of coffee.  That’s right, coffee at 10pm.  I still have cupcakes to frost, and my kitchen is a disaster area.  Tonight’ll be another late one.

I’ve been so busy that you’d think I wouldn’t have time to be self-conscious… But alas, this weight gain has really gotten the better of me.  I caught my reflection in the window today and thought, “Wow, Sam, maybe they’ll throw a baby shower for YOU”.  I really wish I could be kinder to myself, sometimes my thoughts are just so negative.  A fella from the dating site wants to meet up for coffee this week, and I just keep thinking that its unfair- I’m 20 pouds heavier than in any picture I’ve got up on there.  I feel like I should warn him that I’ve gotten fat, so he’s not surprised.  I don’t want to be one of those dating-site horror stories, where the person looks nothing like their picture.  So far, CB is the only one who has found something to say to truly make me feel better- Instead of telling me I look fine, she said, “If I’d never met you before I wouldn’t think you were fat.”  I hope thats the truth.

I’m nervous about the baby shower tomorrow.  I’m going to see a lot of people that I haven’t seen in months… People I haven’t seen since I’ve been sober.  Its not a drinking event, so I’m not worried about having to say no to a drink, but I have changed so much…  Physically, emotionally… I feel like I’m a different person than the Sam the used to know.  If they notice I’ll feel awkward… If they don’t, I’ll feel like they never really paid attention in the first place.  Its such a hard feeling to explain, but I can sum it up by stating that I’m a bag of nerves. 

My day is filled tomorrow, Sunday is my dad’s birthday, and Monday is my last day to clean the house before I go back to work on Tuesday… Thank goodness I’ve got a therapist appointment on Wednesday, I’m going to have a lot of say at this week’s session. 

This is my first Sober Holiday in Years, please join me and STOP THE MADNESS?
 
I’ve Discovered many solutions and resources that are extremely 
useful for anyone’s that is looking to better their Life’s!

I have put together many useful tools that will help anyone that can be completely honest with them and give 100% to these simple programs. 

Alcohol and Drugs Kill thousands of people every year and very well could save your life or save the life of someone you Love! 

This worked for me Stop Here

According to a 2006 National Drug Intelligence Center (NDIC) survey nearly 21% of the population in the U.S. reported non-medical use of prescription drugs at some point in their lifetime.  The 2009 National Presription Drug Threat Assessment states that unintentional overdose deaths resulting from prescription drugs has increased 114% from 2001 to 2005.  And according to SAMHSA, prescription drug abuse is the second most common form of recreational drug use in America second only to marijuana.  Given these statistics, it is clear that abuse of prescription drugs is a serious subject.
For many people, the stigma of prescription drug abuse is negligible when compared to illicit drug abuse.  After all, the substance of abuse was prescribed by a doctor and purchased in a pharmacy.  It’s not like the addict was buying heroin, cocaine, or some other street drug from a dealer.  So where’s the problem?  This type of mentality is contributing to the problem, prevents treatment of the abuse, and if perpetuated can have drastic results.
The diversion of prescription drugs from their intended use has increased drastically from 2003 to 2007.  According to the 2009 threat assessment, the diversion of opioid pain relievers has increased the most during this time period: hydrocodone (vicodin) 118%, morphine 111%, and methadone 109%.  Other prescription drugs commonly diverted for abuse include Oxycontin which has a street name “80″ or “Hillbilly heroin”, Ritalin (Ritz or Vitamin R), and Xanax (zanies).
The diversion of these drugs occurs through various forms.  56.5% of abusers reported that they received the drugs from a friend or relative for free, and 81% of these people reported that the drugs were originally obtained from a doctor through a prescription.  Other ways that prescription drugs are obtained for illicit use include theft from a family member or friend (5.2%), Internet purchases (0.5%), and purchase from a dealer (4.1%).  Another common practice amongst addicts to obtain prescription drugs is “doctor shopping.”  This is the practice of visiting several doctors for the same “ailment” to receive multiple valid prescriptions. 
Amongst teens, the practice of “pharming” can have drastic results when they grab a handful of prescription pills out of a bowl and ingest some or all of them.

Related Links:
http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/drugfact/prescrptn_drgs/rx_ff.html
http://monitoringthefuture.org/
http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/govpubs/prevalert/v6/4.aspx

No quirky titles here, as this is a topic I’m always very serious about.  I’m pretty ‘famous’ as a rare non-drinking rugby guy among my friends and colleagues.  Drinking seemingly always has had a significant role in rugby’s social culture, and I’m not going to preach about the ‘evils of drink’ like some 1920s Temperance lobbyist, but there are some facts which I think athletes need to know to allow themselves the best opportunity to heal themselves and actually gain the best from their workouts (and, yes, the match should be considered a ‘work out’ – you probably do more work in a game than in any gym session).

Now I’m no scientist, so you probably won’t believe me if I started spouting facts, so I’ll let some authoritative websites do my talking for me.  Enjoy! 

“Alcohol and Athletes”

“In order to build bigger and stronger muscles, your body needs sleep to repair itself after a workout. Because of alcohol’s effect on sleep, your body is deprived of a chemical called human growth hormone or HGH. HGH is part of the normal muscle building and repair process and the body’s way of telling itself your muscle needs to grow bigger and stronger. Alcohol however can decrease the secretion of HGH by as much as 70%.

When alcohol is in your body, it triggers the production of a substance in your liver that is directly toxic to testosterone. Testosterone is essential for the development and recovery of your muscles. As alcohol is absorbed through your stomach and small intestine and into your cells, it can disrupt the water balance in muscle cells, altering their ability to produce adenosine triphosphate (ATP), which is your muscles’ source of energy. ATP provides the fuel necessary for your muscles to contract.

Speeding the recovery of sore muscles and injuries is integral to optimal performance. On occasion when an athlete is injured and can’t perform they may see this as an opportunity to use alcohol. Alcohol is a toxin that travels through your bloodstream to every organ and tissue in your body, causing dehydration and slowing your body’s ability to heal itself.”

• Consuming five or more alcoholic beverages in one night can affect brain and body activities for up to three days
• Two consecutive nights of drinking five or more alcoholic beverages can affect brain and body activities for up to five days.
• Attention span is shorter for periods up to forty-eight hours after drinking.
• Even small amounts of alcohol BAC of .03 can persist for a substantial period of time after the acute effects of alcohol impairment disappear.

From:  Office of Drug and Alcohol Education – University of Notre Dame

http://oade.nd.edu/educate-yourself-alcohol/alcohol-and-athletes

“Alcohol and Australian Sport”

Short-term Effects

• Alcohol causes dehydration — Alcohol is widely reported as causing dehydration. This statement is true to a point, however it is largely dependent on the concentration of the alcoholic drink being consumed. Concentrated drinks such as spirits consumed in small glasses or shots, full-strength beers and wine will result in a net fluid loss. However low-alcohol choices such as mid-strength beers and spirits served in large glasses with a non-alcoholic mixer may actually assist athletes to rehydrate following exercise.
• Binge drinking exacerbates soft tissue injury — Soft tissue injury management requires reducing blood flow to the area in order to contain the injury. Consuming alcohol has the opposite effect.  It increases blood flow to the area, which is likely to extend recovery time following injury.
• Slower decision-making — It becomes fairly obvious that after a few drinks your ability to react and make correct decisions is impaired. This may increase your risk of serious injury from an accident or being involved in a brawl.

… having a night out with friends is a fact of life, but if nothing else you should be smart about having fun.  If you have picked up an injury, it should be avoided for the reasons cited above.  If you absolutely must, keep it to a minimum in the best interests of your own development and health to ensure you recover as best as possible.   Knowing this reality, the Aussies have some great tips on ’surviving a night out with mates.’

From: Australian Institute of Sport

http://www.ausport.gov.au/ais/nutrition/factsheets/basics/alcohol_and_australian_sport

My volunteer responsibilities in New Orleans ended around 4 p.m. each day, giving me enough time to tour some of the area’s less popular attractions. For me, they are places where I’ve been able to place my personal mark on the recovering city. However slow that recovery might be.  

My final two days in town, I decided to leave the colorful, vibrant French Quarter for the Musician’s Village, the neighborhood in the Upper Ninth Ward where Hurricane Katrina’s impact is still felt. Pastel-colored homes, built by Habitat for Humanity crew and volunteers, dot the neighborhood. I turned onto Law Street, where two of the houses I had a hand in constructing proudly stood next to vacant lots and dilapidated homes. I got out of my car and stood in front of the houses for a few minutes, admiring the craftsmanship of the front porches and railings I pieced together a year ago. Peering down the street and noticing how much more work needed to be done, I knew my few accomplishments weren’t much, but it was a start. I wanted so badly to knock on the door and see who was now living in these teal-colored homes, but I didn’t. I suppressed my inquisitive nature and just stood there–imagining what horror the residents might have experienced when the storm hit and how they have pieced their lives back together. If I hoped to bring a sense of normalcy back to New Orleans, that meant not placing the residents under a microscope and letting them get back to their daily routine. (I’ve learned that as of this October, Habitat has built more than 350 homes in the New Orleans metro area and more than 46 are still under construction.) I hopped back in my car and moved on.

Crossing the bridge to the Lower Ninth Ward, certain sections of the neighborhood were abuzz with construction. Brad Pitt’s baby–the Make It Right Project–was placing its mark on the area through an array of houses that define convention. Their awkward, yet eye-catching, green designs made a statement. A sense of civilization was returning to to the area, even though many of the old roads look more like green fields than a former neighborhood.  I must have counted more than a dozen of these homes–quite more than the three or four I saw last year.

Step outside of the touristy areas, and you’ll see  a side of the Big Easy that continues to struggle. But as life continues to teach me, hope can transform any tragedy into something beautiful. 

THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST

The Canadian Occupational Performance Measure: A Tool for Recovery-Based Practice, Psychiatric Rehabilition  Journal . 2009 Winter;32(3):171-6

Kirsh B, Cockburn L.

Abstract:

This paper discusses the Canadian Occupational Performance Measure (COPM) which is a tool that supports goal setting and the assessment of change with an individual participating in daily activity. The purpose of the paper is to examine the Canadian Occupational Performance Measure as a potential tool for use in psychiatric rehabilitation and recovery-oriented services. The paper considers the theoretical orientation of the Canadian Occupational Performance Measure and describes the instrument’s structure and properties. In addition, there is a delineation of the instrument’s utility in mental health and an examination of its relationship to psychiatric rehabilitation and recovery principles. The paper uses existing research on the instrument, examines psychosocial rehabilitation literature, and reflects on consultation with local and international researchers/practitioners. The Canadian Occupational Performance Measure is designed to foster partnership between clients and practitioners and it encourages identification of occupationally-focused issues and goals. This instrument promotes an agenda of participation, resumption of life roles, and inclusion in environments of choice.

Lancashire Care staff can request the full-text of this paper, email: susan.jennings@lancashirecare.nhs.uk

Since every time we meet someone we form a ‘relationship’, significant or insignificant, the word obviously carries different meanings in different situations to different folks. To some, it is horrifying – and they insist on having as few “relationships” as possible (not a bad idea, I’m saying) to others, well… the more the merrier. Yet the quality and definition of a relationship also makes the approach more insightful, if you think of it. But I quickly got off my thought… Which is…

here’s the random thought as it relates to courage of the heart: What is love if not a risk? There are no guarantees, except to isolate and relive the loves that are, for whatever reason, no longer actively healthy, which in turn simply keeps us in our pain or misery or loneliness. The act of reaching out and opening up one’s thoughts and expressions (yes, love, the verb) is in itself a life-affirming and positive act, no matter the result. It opens new places, removes old attachments and creates possibilities. I don’t make new friends or explore old ones in new ways because I want to re-visit a past relationship. No one holds a hand and wants to think of another person when they do so. That is not good, but we all have done it. Once. But if that relationship didn’t last because of tragedy or didn’t work for whatever reason, why in the bleep do I pine for it? If we are worried about a past hurt, then leave it in the past, don’t bring it as a measuring stick for the future ones for in every measurement we are reminded of the “failure” and we instantly taint the new moment with the colorization (black? red? murky? blue?)   of our past. It is perfectly fine to put something in a positive place in our memory, as long as we realize that it belongs in memory and that no form of magic can make it present again.

Life’s a bitch, the day sucks…. then we have go to sleep to wake and…. do it all again? Are you kidding? That’s the point. I’m not supposed to live today as I did yesterday. It would be a wasted opportunity.

To see something wholly is not something we want to do when it comes to our selves, or certainly our intimate or friendly “relationships”. It is too serious, too realistic and too often, too painfully self-aware to look at our place in something.

And “wholly” is something we all struggle with I think (I certainly do). How do we live our lives wholly? That would include our family, friends, children (which go beyond family since they extend our DNA, our sense of achievement and our youthful demeanor into at least another generation), romance and passion, personal achievement and sense of worth, artistic and charitable offerings and of course, spirituality.

So I guess my point is, for my mantra “Love, The Verb” today, is to approach each friendship as fresh and unbridled, each day as fresh and unbridled. I will try my best to stop pulling the pain from yesterday into the dawn of a new morning. The more we can do this, the more we can move on and uncover the gems of action in the only time we can, the time of now. And this will help us alter the manner in which we expect others to live up to some fictional character in our past and the less we will beat our seleves up for letting that “reationship” end or, in some cases, begin at all. We did not, actually, control it’s overall dynamics, only the moments in which we participated individually. Two people, swirling together, universal forces surrounding them, who can calm the oceans for even a moment is a wonderous thing. But it often, most often, temporary. The light changes, the wind blows, the breath sharpens, the day ends. Beauty may remain, and we take that with us.

We may very well repeat the moment again, we may not. We are not in charge of all of that – because there are others in the universe – even just one other – who must also step their love forward. We can only create singularly dimensional things on our own, tied to memories that are dragged like sacks of stones into the present.

I’m reminded of the U2 song, “All that We Can’t Leave Behind”… And am attaching hope to this new day, maybe the strength to let go of one worry form yesterday, last week, last month…. last year and make room for something that is swirling past meinthis moment, unnnoticed by the murkiness of a confused tear.

Love, the verb.

At a recent meeting the question was asked of us ‘What are we not talking about today that could affect us in 12 months time?’

Ideas such as consumerism, world poverty, unemployment and war were discussed.  But one suggestion I can’t stop thinking about, possibly because it directly involves me, is that we might not see an end to this recession until 2012 and I’m not prepared for that.

I’ve bought in to the idea that we would be seeing the very welcomed green shoots of recovery towards the summer of 2010. I’ve battened down the hatches, tightened my belt and pulled up my socks, but it appears I should now start to take this more seriously than I have, or at least for longer, than I have.

I’ve heard that more businesses fail when the economy gains momentum, than through the recession itself. Apparently some of us just aren’t prepared for it.  We might not have considered the urgency of replenishing stock, the replacement of staff, or the purchase equipment crucial to keep us abreast of our competition.

Maybe the cold, wet and rather dark morning gave rise to the pessimism of the meeting. However I will certainly be considering my strategy on how to move successfully when the glorious time comes.

Nov 27th 2009

I’m sitting here by a glorious fire blazing in my fireplace right now because it’s freezing today! And there is a “That ’70s Show” marathon on, so I’m cozy warm and as happy as I can be watching my favorite show…I never get tired of watching it and the show never fails to just crack me up…Plus as the greatest added bonus, the most beautiful Mila Kunis…Uh! She is the best…

Thanksgiving turned out pretty wonderful…It was so cold, but I went out by the lake and laid underneath the stars around 2 in the morning…There was a dense fog at the lake, and everything was still and quiet, but the sky was crystal clear for stargazing…I saw many stars falling out of the sky and even seen a few stars shooting across the night sky that left very long trails too…It was amazing! For thanksgiving dinner, I went to the beach and spent time with most of my family yesterday…I hadn’t seen some of them in quite awhile…My other nephews (other than my little Ashton that is) have grown up so much, they were practically just babies the last time I saw them…For some unknown reason, my nephew Ethan was quite taken with me, and he never left my side for very long…He wanted us to watch some really cool animated show together, called (Star Wars) The Clone Wars…So we did that for a bit, and of course he had to explain the entire thing in detail, the characters, who was good, who was bad and so on…It was great fun…Actually, it was so far, so good…Until he wanted to know why I didn’t wear girly clothes like other girls do?…I thought it was very entertaining coming up with explanations off the top of my head about my clothing choices, but, my sister-in-law looked mortified though! *Smile* As I said before, I thought it was great fun…And speaking of Alice, she made the best turkey I ever had before…It was absolutely scrumptious indeed…

I am very grateful in my heart for such beautiful blessings as these…And from the greatest blessings to the smallest ones, I’m sincerely thankful for every single one of them…Perhaps only with some maturity and wisdom behind me, can come the ability to recognize and count all of my blessings after all…When I was much less mature, I suppose I was guilty of mostly concentrating on what I wanted, although the truth of the matter is that I probably only focused on what I didn’t have at the time…Therefore I was incapable of comprehending how blessed I’ve been all along actually…In reflection, I wouldn’t choose to change one thing about my life if I was ever given the opportunity…Because as challenging as my life has been throughout, I believe everything turns out for my greater good in the end…I’m indebted to every obstacle that’s been placed in my way, so I would surely stumble over them each and every time until I finally learned the lesson…I’m indebted to every tear that I’ve ever cried, I’m indebted to every time I’ve felt the pain of my heart breaking, I’m indebted to my weaknesses, my character defects and my shortcomings too…Blessings take on many forms, I don’t believe for a moment that blessings are as simple as we perceive them to be all the time…Meaning, simply by being wrapped up entirely beautiful and favorably…In conclusion, getting what we want, doesn’t always turn out to be the blessing we had hoped for…But getting what we need, will forever remain our greatest blessings…As they say, “God is in the details” I trust that is the truest statement of all…

On an unrelated note…I will not be a “guardian ad litem” after all, my schedule will not permit it…Also, I was rather disappointed when I went through the whole process, plus all of the background checks and made it all the way to the classes too find out that my time with the child would be very minimal…I would have been given a case to work on, but it was mostly dealing with the judicial aspects of it, a lot of time spent in the courtroom…So, it look’s like I will be volunteering for abused children elsewhere and in some other capacity…It’s a shame I can’t be a “Big sister” but they don’t allow homosexuals to be mentors for them…Actually they were downright rude to me after they asked me my sexual orientation, and I truthfully admitted I was in fact a lesbian…I didn’t even know that was still allowed in this day and age…But honestly, how sad, because I have so much care and happiness to give a child after all…I have the desire to love (in a non sexual way just to be clear) help and heal a child’s life, but never to hurt and destroy children in any way…I would never desire to hurt or destroy anybody for that matter, especially including animals too…I mean really, c’mon! Oh well, I still volunteer at the gay and lesbian center and help out sometimes at the humane society also…But I really want to make the life of an abused and abandoned child as happy and filled with joy as I possibly can…I pray that can happen sooner rather than later…

Much Love To This Life And To All Of The People In The Whole Entire World…I Wish You Peace…

Most Sincerely…

In ‘Seances, Spirits, and 12 Steps,’  http://mywordlikefire.wordpress.com/2008/09/24/seances-spirits-and-12-steps/ we examined the spiritualism of Alcoholics Anonymous cofounders Bill Wilson and, to a lesser extent, Dr. Bob Smith. We observed that Bill Wilson, the man who wrote the 12 Steps, was involved in psychic activity for decades. While some may attempt to claim Wilson as Christian or insist he was used by Jesus Christ, his spiritual service was in reality to the god of this world.[1] He was a man who cared deeply about his fellow alcoholics, but he was never a Christian.   

Why is this important? Alcoholics Anonymous has been successfully but incorrectly portrayed as Christian in origin. Although it is clear from Scripture alone that we are to have nothing to do with strange spiritual systems (2 Cor. 6:14-17), the misinformation about A.A.’s alleged Biblical roots has convinced many that Christians could and should attend 12 Step groups.

Biographer Robert Thomsen knew Bill Wilson personally. There are numerous biographies now, and it is significant that Thomsen’s biography of Bill W. was the very first.

In the book, ‘Bill W.,’ Thomsen takes us to Wilson’s life before Alcoholics Anonymous existed. To the time when Bill Wilson had been hospitalized yet again for his alcoholism. An amazing thing occurred in his hospital room. A white light, a sense of a Presence, and Wilson never drank again. Wilson describes this Presence as ”…the great reality. The God of the preachers.” (PASS IT ON, pg. 121))

But was it? The God of the Christians? Well, no. For years Wilson had been exposed to the Swedenborgianism of his wife and her family. This religion loves the Bible–but rejects Christ as Savior. Emanuel Swedenborg, whose interpretation of the Bible is the basis for the religion, believed he spoke with all manner of spirits and deceased beings from Martin Luther to Aristotle to the Apostles. 

While Wilson was not a Swedenborgian per se, he was very much inflluenced by Swedenborg’s spiritualistic accounts, and by his rejection of a Biblical, fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible. Wilson also learned (?) through New Thought advocate Emmet Fox, some years later, that the Bible was not as the fundamentalist Christians interpreted it. 

It is understandable if a Christian, upon reading this quote about “The God of the preachers” would assume Bill was referring to the Biblical God. Wilson never accepted Christ.

Wilson’s own wife Lois had a grandfather who was a Swedenborgian preacher. Swedenborgians believe, among other things, that no religion has an exclusive path to salvation.

Here, in the first biography of Bill Wilson, Thomsen describes the “god” Bill Wilson experienced: “There could be no doubt of ultimate order in the universe, the cosmos was not dead matter, but a part of the living Presence, just as he was part of it. Now, in place of the light, the exaltation, he was filled with a peace such as he had never known. He had heard of men who’d tried to open the universe to themselves; he had opened himself to the universe. He had heard men say there was a bit of God in everyone, but this feeling that he was a part of God, himself a living part of the higher power, was a new and revolutionary feeling.” (Bill W., by Robert Thomsen, pg.223, Bold mine)  

This is panentheism.

From this point on Wilson was a sober man, and some months later cofounded Alcoholics Anonymous. Again, there is no doubt Wilson and A.A. cofounder Dr. Bob Smith were trying to help alcoholics. But A.A. has served to point many away from the God of the Bible.

Something rarely recognized, but very profound, happens to people in A.A. It is as if great, invisible chains are placed on those looking for help. For, once in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, Christians and nonbelievers are taught that sobriety is only possible through the 12 Step religion. 

There are other invisible chains as well. For thousands of Christians, Alcoholics Anonymous has become an idol.  Many believers literally have more faith in A.A. and the 12 Steps than in Jesus Christ.

Have Christians ever considered—truly examined—the spiritual message of Alcoholics Anonymous? People are taught it is acceptable to believe in something, anything, some higher power to help one overcome alcoholism. By no means does this have to be Jesus. If someone wants to believe in Allah, fine. An unnamed spirit, fine. Yet Christians in A.A. are expected to pray and worship with those who exalt other gods. Let’s read what Paul states about this in Galatians 1:6-8:

“I am amazed that you are so quickly deserting Him who called you by the grace of Christ, for a different gospel; which is really not another; only there are some who are disturbing you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed!” (Galatians 1:6-8)

Paul is not done. This man, who was changed so dramatically by the same God who frees alcoholics, continues:

“As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you have received, he is to be accursed!” (Galatians 1:9)

The power and the horror of the A.A. mythology is the belief that it alone can help. Our churches are full of people who have been delivered by Christ, and who know they have no need of A.A. or the 12 Steps. The ministry Setting Captives Free[3], for example, is a Biblical approach, very effective, and can be found online.

God’s people have the right—and the obligation—to understand A.A.’s origin is a mixture of anti-Biblical elements. Our erroneous view of A.A’s cofounders, promoted so aggressively by certain Christian authors, has actually done much damage to the Body of Christ. They should not be celebrated or portrayed as Christians, but rather recognized as men who were used to spread a spiritual darkness that has overtaken many.

As covered elsewhere, the official A.A. biography of Bill Wilson, ‘PASS IT ON,’ documents many of Wilson’s forays into Biblically forbidden activities such as spiritualism. These were so frequent he describes the following as “the fairly usual experience.”[4] He writes:

“The ouija board got moving in earnest. What followed was the fairly usual experience—it was a strange mélange of Aristotle, St. Francis, diverse archangels with odd names, deceased friends—some in purgatory and others doing nicely, thank you! There were malign and mischievious ones of all descriptions, telling of vices quite beyond my ken, even as former alcoholics. Then, the seemingly virtuous entities would elbow them out with messages of comfort, information, advice—and sometimes just sheer nonsense.”[5]  

A.A. cofounder Dr. Bob Smith, portrayed as a devout, Bible believing Christian in numerous books by author and A.A. apologist Dick B. and others, was also committed to these prohibited activities.

According to early A.A. member Tom Powers, “Now these people, Bill and Dr. Bob, believed vigorously and aggressively. They were working away at the spiritualism; it wasn’t just a hobby.”[6] No one would know this better than Tom Powers. He participated in many of these psychic incidents alongside the A.A. cofounders.

“As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My Face against that person and will cut him off from his people. You shall consecrate yourselves and be holy, for I am the Lord your God.” (Leviticus 20:6-7)

Dr. Bob, while a consistent Bible reader, did not interpret the Bible as the Word of God. Rather was he more in line with the heretical New Thought interpretation of Emmet Fox.[7] This has been a source of confusion for many who have wondered about the spiritual origin of Alcoholics Anonymous.

When someone calls the A.A. cofounders Christian, let them know Dr.Bob and Bill Wilson used a heretical book by Emmet Fox, a book that denies the Salvation of Christ, as an A.A. teaching tool. The book is deceptively titled, ‘The Sermon On The Mount.’[8]

Author Emmet Fox writes, “The ‘Plan of Salvation’ which figured so prominently in the evangelical sermons of a past generation is as completely unknown to the Bible as it is to the Koran.” [9]

No believer would share such heresy with hurting alcoholics—but the A.A. cofounders did. Dr. Bob loved this book.

Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob looked to the Bible for general principles. They were not saved and sanctified individuals hungry for God’s Holy Word. This is why they could so easily violate His prohibitions about communication with the dead.

According to author Susan Cheever, Dr. Bob “began every morning with meditation and prayer and twenty minutes of Bible study. Like Bill, Bob believed in paranormal possibility, and the two men spent time ‘spooking,’ invoking spirits of the dead.”[10] 

Because the Body of Christ continues to be flooded with literature claiming A.A. is Christian in origin, it is necessary to politely but strongly correct Dick B., author ‘The Oxford Group and Alcoholics Anonymous,’ The Good Book and the Big Book: AA’s Roots in the Bible,’ and many others.

A prolific writer, Dick B. has his fans. On his website under ‘Endorsements,’ Dick B. had listed, for quite some time, an enthusiastic message from…Robert Schuller.

Celebrate Recovery, the well known “Christ centered” 12 Step group, was founded in Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church. Celebrate Recovery is full of sincere people who are doing the best they can with the system given to them by those they trust. But, again, are the 12 Steps intended to help the church–or to serve as a decoy?

In his book, ‘The Truth War,’ the 12 Steps are addressed by John MacArthur. He writes, “Others would formally affirm Christ’s sovereignty and spiritual headship over the church, but they resist His rule in practice. To cite just one instance of how this is done, many churches have set various forms of human psychology, self-help therapy, and the idea of ‘recovery’ in place of the Bible’s teaching about sin and sanctification.” …”So wherever the work of God’s Word is being replaced with twelve-step programs and other substitutes, Christ’s headship over the church is being denied in practice.” (pg.159)

Dick B.’s belief is that use of the Bible, the A.A. cofounders’ involvement with the allegedly “Christian” Oxford Group, and Anne Smith’s “Quiet Time” and “Guidance” demonstrate some of the Christian beginnings of Alcoholics Anonymous. As shall be pointed out in future articles, these incorrect claims have served to link the Body of Christ with the New Age fundamentalism of A.A’s 12 Step religion.

One of the most misleading factors in the origin of Alcoholics Anonymous is the Oxford Group. Founded by Frank Buchman, the Oxford Group was a pseudo-Christian movement that eventually became the MRA (Moral ReArmament), an organization that reached out to all faiths. But, in truth, this is also what the Oxford Group did. 

Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith both attended Oxford Group meetings before they were introduced to one another. The great preacher H.A. Ironside said of the Oxford Group:

“It appeals to people who reject the inspiration of [the Bible] as well to those who profess to believe it; it appeals to people who deny the Deity of Christ as well as to those who acknowledge it; to those who deny the eternal punishment of sin as well as those who believe in it. Here in our city it is openly endorsed by the Swedenborgians and by leaders of the Unitarians, as well as by a number who belong to orthodox churches. But it is silent about the blood of Christ.”[11] In other words, it was very much a forerunner of Alcoholics Anonymous. And equally deceptive.

Well, wait a minute, bottom line, don’t people get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous? Not as often as you might think. A.A. cofounder Bill Wilson himself tried to find alternatives for those for whom A.A. was not effective. Including, unfortunately, LSD.[2] The good news, the secret that should not be a secret, is that Christ has been delivering people all along.

Some years ago Alcoholics Anonymous conducted a triennialsurvey and found that only five percent of the people still attended meetings one year after initial attendance. I don’t think A.A. has done any research since, because that is not an impressive success rate, and doesn’t speak very highly of its effectiveness. If you know of an updated study, please send it this way.  

In the coming weeks we shall be examining the Oxford Group and Anne Smith’s role and understanding of “guidance.” We will do our best to confront and correct false information and misunderstandings. With so many books about A.A.’s supposed Christian beginnings in circulation, only the Lord God can straighten this mess out. Only He can expose darkness to the Light.

Yes and Amen.

Endnotes:

1.     Alcoholics Anonymous Cofounders Were Not Christians http://www.christianworldviewnetwork.com/article.php/3537/Brannon-Howse/John-Lanagan

2.     PASS IT ON,        Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. pg.369-70

3.     http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/our_courses.php

4.     PASS IT ON, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., pg. 278

5.     Ibid., pg. 278

6.     Ibid., pg.280

7.     http://www.christianworldviewnetwork.com/article.php/3537/Brannon-Howse/John-Lanagan

8.     Emmet Fox, The Sermon On The Mount

9.     Ibid., pg. 5-6

10. Susan Cheever, My Name Is Bill, pg. 197

11. http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-Ironside.html H.A. Ironside, The Oxford Group Movement: Is It Scriptural?

Pick up those new GPS systems, now on sale at Best Buy, Wal-Mart and other fine stores for under $100!

Don’t forget that flat-screen TV that’s suddenly within your price range!

Remember to stop by the gigundo superstore to stock up on potato chips, lawn furniture and frozen shrimp!

Swing by the enormous drugstore! Get medicine! Print 100 pictures for only $1.00! While you’re there, load up on toys, nostrums and personal care products! The holidays are almost here!

Hit the department store for pantyhose, shoes, perfume, purses, and those fabulous studded denims you’ve had your eye on — they’re all on sale today only!

On your way home, stop by your local American automobile dealership and nab a new Ford, Chevy or Chrysler! Terms are great! Quality has never been better!

If you’re an investment banker, kick the tires on an underperforming entity! You’ll be glad you did!

Somewhere out there in this great, shining land of ours, there’s a product, service or asset waiting for you! We’ve been in the doldrums far too long! Make Black Friday lead to Black Saturday and then Black  Sunday and then a tsunami of Black Weekdays! Get out there and express your love of all that’s good and strong about our nation! Let commerce ring!

The important part of having spirituality in your recovery is letting go of complete control over the process. Recovery is a long and difficult journey, and there will be many instances where turning control of a situation over to someone or something else will be required to stay on the path. Oftentimes it is the stubborn belief that we are in complete control of our lives and our addictions that keeps us active in the addiction.
For those addicts that believe in Christianity and want to make it part of their recovery The Life Recovery Bible would be a helpful tool. It’s a new living translation of The Bible that is easily readable and relates the Twleve Steps and other recovery themes to the stories of the old and new testaments. If you’re unfamiliar with The Bible, this version is also an excellent introduction as it provides historical background at the beginning of each book and chapter.  For a relation of other religious traditions to the 12 Steps check out http://www.12wisdomsteps.com/.

Related Links:
http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaorigmanuscript.html

I haven’t written an article here for ages.. well so it seems anyways.. Right this is where I am right now and its a long way from those dark days that were happening to me for weeks, months and the best part of this year… I am now getting back to normality or whatever that is.. but I am on the mend and long may it continue…

What has brought about this dramatic change in my condition.. Well to be honest, I stopped taking just about every tablet the doctor had told me to take, the amitrypeline were making me mental and sleepy adding to my already sleepy self and I think it took the last bit of energy out of my system. I also started forcing myself when I had to rest, was to stay awake and try anything to get my mind going…

I am not cured not by any means, but what I will say is I feel totally re-energised and alive, my moods have changed back to me being my normal funny self what a difference a few weeks makes but I have tried so hard to get to this point and didn’t think it would happen to be honest, but I hadn’t given up hope…

I dont know if this blog will ever help anyone but its a very very small record of maybe how I was feeling when I had the energy to type out some lines.. I hope though people can read this and they can see an end to Fibromyalgia or at least to their nightmare.. keep trying and keep your chin up, remember your special and the world needs you..

Not sure if this will be my last post but for now, I dont have anything to write about FM and the chronic fatigue I was suffering “and my family too”…

Thanks to anyone who will ever come across this blog..

Looking at the thanksgiving pictures of myself, all i can think is “are my arms REALLY that skinny?”

but on the positive side, at least I’m not as skeletal as in years past.  hard words has really paid off.

Twenty-four days after surgery and 19 guests for Thanksgiving equal one tired, recovering resurfacing patients. Fun time, but big crowds, multiple conversations, and confusion are not so easy to cope with as before the surgery. I am getting better, but I am definitely not back to normal.

Today’s post will be a short one coz I’m knackered! Seriously, I’m sooo tired I think I’ll just fall asleep once my bum touches the bed. =P But anyway, I will keep those heavy eyelids open till I finish this.

I was a good mummy’s girl today. First thing I did in the morning was to clean up my room. Gasp! Yup, you didn’t hear wrongly. I finally cleared up the mess around my table which has been growing exponentially for the past year. I’m not the most tidy person around, though I do try to keep things neat. Now, I feel all proud of myself for creating a nice little workspace which hopefully will stay that way for at least a few months. Next, I met up with a couple of friends for lunch. They were really sweet coz it was actually an early birthday celebration for me. I was really touched! =) Last night, I also came back late from dinner with another friend. It was real nice catching up with all of them. After the meetup, I met Mum for a bout of Christmas shopping. It was really crazy squeezing with the crowds, but thankfully, it was also efficient and fruitful. In two hours, we managed to get almost all of the presents. Woo hoo! Boy, shopping is tiring. This explains why I never go window shopping. I really can’t be bothered to  scour through thousands of items for the “perfect” fit. My strategy is: know what I want exactly, buy it, and get out of the shop. Ok. Maybe I’m not a typical girl, but that’s me. Hehe.

No prizes for guessing what today’s topic is about. Yes, you got it! Presents!

Firstly, a question for you: How do you usually celebrate birthdays? My family tradition specifies that we must always have the essential ingredients: a birthday cake, candles, a birthday song, family members, presents. And of course, not forgetting the birthday wish! The things I wished for changed over the years.

When I was little, I’d say, “I wish for… a happy family and a nice present.”

When I started schooling, I’d say, “I wish for… a happy family and please, please, good results for the coming year.”

When it came to my teenage years, I’d say, “I wish for… a happy family and good results and good health and more friends to celebrate my birthday.” (Since my birthday was in December which happens to be the school holidays, I never had friends celebrating my birthday for me in school. This made me feel really sad at that time.)

When it was my first year in London, I’d say, “I wish for… everyone in my family to be safe and to have good health and for me to survive well here.”

When my eating disorder struck, I’d say, “I wish for… this misery to end, right now.”

When I started on recovery, even though I had many friends around, I was kind of like an empty shell inside, all wrung out. I couldn’t even do a simple thing like eat a piece of cake. So all I’d pray for was, “I wish I can eat this cake. I wish I can enjoy the company. I wish I could recover.”

I just flipped through some old childhood photos…

Gosh! I really miss those times. I don’t really remember these occasions exactly. But what really strikes me when I look at these photos again is… I was present during all of those times. I was present in the moment. I was able to focus on the food, the laughter, the sheer pleasure of the cake. I wasn’t distracted by anything else. I was fully there, mind, body, and soul.

When I got afflicted with Ed, I could be physically there, but I was always missing in action. My mind was constantly on the run, counting calories, thinking of how to escape the celebrations, etc. My wishes became more and more self-centered. And my whole focus would be on how to avoid food, and not how to enjoy food or the company. This year, instead of asking for a gift, I put forth this question to myself: What can I give to the world? It is in giving that I can truly receive. It is in knowing that I do have something to give to this world that I realize my significance. It is in recognizing that I want to give to the world that I say with all conviction in my heart “No more to you, Ed. It’s to the world I want to give, not you!” God’s present to me is one that needs unwrapping. It take many many years to unwrap. But with layer that I unwrap, the anticipation builds up and the joy keeps on multiplying. Though I have yet to reach the center of the gift, I know that it will be glorious, because in the end, I will receive not just the gift of recovery, but the Giver, God Himself.

So this year, I have come to a conclusion. The best gift I can give to the world and to the people around me is myself – to be fully present and engaged in life. As I recover, I no longer want to remain obsessed over eating and food. Birthdays and Christmas aren’t about that. They’re about so much more. Being with loved ones. Rejoicing in the birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus. Enjoying the fun and fellowship. That’s what holidays are about. So this year, I am determined not to let Ed hold the reins. Festive occasions are always a source of stress for me, but this time, I will learn to cope better than previous times. I will treat it as information that I can use to help me move forward in my recovery. As I head for several social events in December, I will remember to:

1) Take time to take care of myself and nurture myself.

2) Stay accountable so that the people around me will know what I am struggling with.

3) Stay focused on recovery. It is not worth sacrificing what I need for recovery just because it is the holiday season.

In short, my birthday wish for this year is that by His infinite grace, God will enable me to give to the world. Here’re some questions for you: What can you give to the world? How can you be present in the moment? It really doesn’t take much to be in the moment. Just try it… Close your eyes. Feel your heart beating within you. What is it saying? What is going on inside that body of yours? Now focus your attention on your surroundings. What do you hear? As you slowly open your eyes, take in all the colors that stream into your iris. What do you see? What is going on this very moment for you? How does it feel to be present?

Okie dokie. That’s all for my short and sweet post. I’m going off to dreamland soon. Goodnight dearies. Don’t forget to relax. It’s the weekend! =)

…and I’m a follower of Jesus who struggles with legalism, perfectionism, anger and self-condemnation.

I shared on Wednesday about the realization that I need recovery. I’m at the very beginning of this process, first recognizing that, hey, I have some problems, then realizing that Jesus is the answer. I don’t say that to be trite, but because it really is the truth. I need Jesus. He’s my only hope.

I’ve pretty much always known I was a perfectionist. I like things to be neat and ordered. There’s nothing wrong with this, unless it leads you down a path of being distraught or angry when things (or people, like yourself) aren’t perfect. Perfectionism is really tied to legalism….

I’ve known for quite some time that I’m legalistic. I knew it was, y’know, kind of a problem, but it didn’t seem to interfere too much with my daily life, so I never really addressed it. This might be similar to the way an alcoholic might continue in denial about their problem because they’ve never gotten pulled over for a D.U.I.

Mostly, this legalism comes out in the way I view God, my relationship with him and who I am in Christ. It’s been a problem in the past few months as I’ve held myself to impossible standards. When I don’t meet those standards, I think I’ve lost favor with my heavenly Father. I’m realizing, by God’s grace, that this isn’t true.

Anger and self-condemnation aren’t such easy things to lay out there. First of all, something like perfectionism can be a funny, almost endearing quality if you mask it the right way. (When truly, perfectionism has become, for me, bondage – the opposite of freedom.) Secondly, I didn’t realize these things were a part of my life until very recently. Plus, they seem like uglier, more raw and…unhealthy things to admit about yourself.

So, who am I so angry with? Usually it’s…me. Guess why: Because I’m not perfect. Are you starting to see a vicious cycle take place here? I have lately.

I’m only taking the baby steps in the process of recovery right now. But something I’ve realized is: everyone’s got something. I truly believe that every person either could benefit from recovery of some sort, or has benefited from it.

What do you think? Do you have things - past hurts, mistakes, habits, or hang-ups that you need healing and recovery for?

We alcoholics can also work Step Four from a non-self-help, let-God-change-our-brain perspective—which means that while we do the personal work (taking action in specific ways that AA literature suggests) we also ask God to work on us. And we trust that he does so.

That has been my Step Four experience. I let go, allowing God to transform me into a new person by his methods of changing the way I think (a practical, layman’s translation of Romans 12:2). That initial process spanned a two-year period in my life; a more mature process continues to this very day. Specifically, I worked steps one through four during my first months in AA, stayed sober, but got drunk on St. Patrick’s Day 1999. Again I tried the process, this time remaining sober for five months while working the fourth step, and again I drank—this time the night before I departed for Louisville and my first-ever experience with rehabs.

During both attempts, I withdrew from my first AA sponsor, Jack. I feared placing the process within God’s protection and care, so I worked alone on the steps. Both times I did Step Four as if working a crossword puzzle—alone, objective, detached, putting pen to paper—and each time I drank again. The popular self-help, change-our-lives approach only led me to relapses.

The third time, however, I worked steps one through four as part of a committed, fifteen-man step-study group. I shared with my AA sponsor, Jim, everything that I wrote or thought in the steps. My times with Jim were strictly confidential, one-on-one encounters. Nothing in AA literature endorses doing painful, spiritual work publicly in any type of group therapy, at AA meetings or in rehab.

The earnestness of my third attempt paralleled the intense work that I did, years earlier, with a first-rate analyst in Lexington. The only differences—at last in 2001, I remained abstinent, and I prayerfully asked God to work on me while I did my part. God did, and over time I realized that it worked. Grace sobers.

Now, before we turn to AA’s Fifth Step, let’s consider relapses….

Copyright © 2009 by Randall E. Greene