But, where there is no difference is with the almighty god of color-coded chocolate rabbit poops known as Smarties.

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There are exactly two ways you eat a pack of Smarties. You either peel the end of the box open and consume the entire box as a whole like it was a tequila shot on your 18th birthday, or you pour the contents onto the table or nearest flat surface and divide the colors like some obsessive compulsive manic. This kind of division is like shoving ethnicities apart, it’s a racist hipster viewpoint of a Smarties box: that each smartie was created equal and deserves to be eaten in the same manner. BUT for all of us giving zero fucks on that topic, you divide them in a way as to eat your favorite last. Who seems to always go first? Red. Why red? Because it’s too fucking bright and at least to me, grouped together makes me look like I’m choking down little baby chicken hearts.

Maybe that last sentence was appropriate for nobody but a young Hannibal Lector, but at least I’m being honest. So many times I have walked by a student in the halls doing this very act and they ALWAYS cover their fucking armada of colored chocolate like I was spying on their personal porn collection. Whether it’s physically or mentally, the collective Smartie lovers have this nasty habit. Thankfully it’s not one you need to ‘kick’ in order to continue with life.

The Wayne.
Editor