A polygraph test can be the starting point for rebuilding or renewing a once-happy and fulfilling relationship.  If one or both partners have been unfaithful, getting the truth out in the open can be the first meaningful step toward rebuilding the relationship.  If the polygraph results show that the partner has been faithful (as they often do) the suspicious partner can put their fears to rest and start focusing, once again, on the things that have always made their relationship worthwhile.

When choosing a polygraph examiner to conduct a fidelity test, it is important to verify certain things about his professional background, since this is a type of test that requires a special emotional sensitivity.  Psychology training should be the first thing you inquire about.  Since the exam deals with relationship issues, the ideal polygraph examiner will possess an advanced degree in Psychology (Ph.D. or M.A.).  Professionals with that kind of training and education will fully understand the dynamics of your relationship.  Understanding those dynamics is critical for fidelity and relationship testing. Other basic qualifications of the examiner include solid knowledge of, and experience with, the Utah Zone of Comparison Test.  And, of course, membership in the American Polygraph Association (APA) is absolutely essential when retaining an examiner for any type of test.

Dr. Rovner is a polygraph examiner with a private practice in Los Angeles, California.  He is the former Dean of the Professional School of Psychological Studies

It’s an old story – you fear that your spouse or partner is having a sexual relationship with someone else, but they deny it.  All of the telltale signs are there: late night phone calls, suggestive emails, unexplained time away from home or the office, etc.  There is no actual physical evidence of an affair, but the circumstantial evidence is highly suspicious.

Polygraph tests can help troubled relationships

Psychologists and marriage counselors will tell you that truth and openness are the keys to building, or restoring, a successful relationship.  In a case where one or both partners have been unfaithful, it is very hard for them to openly admit their betrayals.  For some people, weeks or months of counseling are still not enough to make them admit the truth.  In the meantime, their spouse or partner suffers under the awful weight of suspicion.

 A polygraph test utilizing the Utah Zone of Comparison Test can be the starting point for rebuilding or renewing a once-happy and fulfilling relationship. 

Dr. Rovner is a polygraph examiner with a private practice in Los Angeles, California.  He is the former Dean of the Professional School of Psychological Studies.

The Wild Rose : Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you’re the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don’t seem to take yourself too seriously, and that’s refreshing. You aren’t uptight; you don’t over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn’t a top priority—a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven’t had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You’re very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You’re out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

A recent study was done with 2,500 couples and the results for how they stayed together is so interesting. What hit a chord with me is how much their results track with the Bible…

1. Love key ingredient 2. Ages not over 9 years a part 3. Getting married while young (at least 25) 4. No kids before marriage 5. Parents that stayed together increased marriage span for offspring 6. Healthy finances 7. Healthy lifestyle with no smoking

See full article
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090714/lf_nm_life/us_couples

For ladies only…

1. Learn to strenthen your abs
2. Learn Kegel
3. Stay perfumed and pretty
4. Tell him what he does right so he will do more of it
5. Be more available

For Men Only

1. Don’t assume you know her spots, ask
2. Keep her in a good mood throughout the day
3. Tell her that you love her, that she is beautiful and any other good thing
4. Remember that woman respond to romance, acts of random kindness and love getting out of a routine. If you’ve been married a long time and the only place you can remember being intimate is in your bedroom, you are missing out. You have to understand how women think. A weekend away will probably do your marriage a lot of good.
5. Remember woman are a like a crock pots, not microwaves. Slow things down you will more than likely get better results.

1. Control what you say to your spouse
2. Treat your spouse better than you treat yourself
3. Support your spouse
4. Say I am sorry and forgive me often and quickly
5. Don’t be self centered
6. Kiss and make out before the sun goes down if you are angry
7. HELP EACH OTHER OUT IN ALL THINGS
8. Give each other space
9. Serve God together
10 Pray over your marriage, your relationship, your children, your lives in general

Please see my post How To Help Your Wife Loose Weight. This article will show items of consideration good for hubby. He needs to get involved and not sit around complaining and making jokes. More than likely your weight started to increase after childbirth, so he is partly responsible. In addition when I studied nutrition one of the courses that we had to take was on the psychology of eating. It was very profound, but what they suggested was for about two-four weeks of taking a log on every single thing you put in your mouth and then look for patterns. Sometimes figuring out why you are eating is the key to getting rid of the weight. Are you stress eating, pent up emotions eating, sitting in front of the TV eating all the time? Do you munch constantly which adds pounds? Are you addicted to high calorie foods, sweets or drinks? Do you feel good about yourself?  Once you identify any pattern spend the next 21 days in dedication to reverse it. The statistic say that anything you give up for at least 21 days is no longer a habit. Another thing that might help is to not bring foods home from the store that contribute to weight issues. That basically means shop around the perimeter of the store where the live and fresh food s are. Aisle foods are mostly calorie ladden. Next do body work, any activity that you enjoy which burns sufficient calories.

I would highly recomment getting the weight issue under control. In some relationships weight does not matter, but if you have a spouse that it does matter pay attention. Put the entire matter to prayer and God will help you.

Hurray for you! The moment you decided to admit to an ungodly lifestyle the change began. Admitting a problem is the first step to overcoming it and being victorious over it. Just liek it took years to develop ungodly ways don’t expect change to be finished over night. Take time to reorganize your life and rebuild trust in the relationship with your spouse. Don’t be surprised if they reject your efforts at first. It is not because they don’t want to believe in your change, they are probably just struggling with is this change for real and for good.

Give your issues to God in a simple prayer and watch him work. It can be as simple as God I am sorry help me to change and don’t let me go back to the way I was. Then ask your spouse for forgiveness and let them know you will be seeking their help in making the changes permanent. Then everyday spend time with God – prayer, read your Bible, getting involved with godly activities and soon those old vices will no longer have any power or control over you. The Bible calls it renewing your mind. You are literally reprogramming yourself. Also forgive others that have hurt you in the past no matter what they did. Hanging on to the pain will hinder your progress. Ask God to help you to forgive and then move on.
When you look back down the road I believe you will find a restored and renewed relationship. Commune with God everyday.

Yes you can. Change your mind towards the situation believing that you can helps. If it is physical and emotional time, patience, communications, knowledge and understanding can help. Follow God’s pattern for intimacy he gave Adam and Eve a commission be fruitful and multiply that speaks volumes but in essence have a pleasing and productive sex life. The he created an environment for that to take place in the sanctuary of a perfumed garden under the stars, then he told them what to do – get to know each other physically which takes time, then he told them how long to do that – until death, then he gave them how often – anytime you feel like it with the exception of one week and then he advised them that expressing love verbally was important (Songs of Soloman). Finally he told them when intimacy should be over – when love pleases (Songs of Soloman).

If satisfaction is based on what you do for her, some women may not be able to be satisfied because they are selfish and always wanting something. A lot of that can probably be linked back to their upbringing. Then others have so many deficiencies that you will never be able to complete them. In a situation like that you will have to understand that your best effort is all you can give. You can not make her receieve or appreciate your best effort, but you can know that you have done all you do and rest in that. Sometimes communications in this area could help because at least they will know how you feel and that will be off your chest but depending on the person’s mindset it might not make an impact. That is where prayer comes in, ask God to help. Let him know you need him to help your wife to understand how what she does impacts you and to send healing into that part of your relationship. Tell him you want peace.

This is the last week for the marriage challenge. Week one was how to get in touch with your emotions, week two was finding stregnth to do the right thing, week three was kind expressions and this weeks 7 day challenge is to use your mouth to bless and not abuse your spouse. Remember each week continue to do what was done the week before and make it part of your lifestyle.

Let your spouse know positive things:
1. I appreciate you because____________________
2. I know I don’t always act right but I want you to know that I can’t ___________ without you.
3. What can I do to make this relationship more__________________.
4. Are you feeling negleted in any area? Tell me how I can improve.
5. I want our relationship totally restored, I am willing to ____________ will you committ to help me turn things around. I know you might not be feeling it right now but will you try? I am serious this time. Just so that you will know how serious I am, I am willing to _________.
6.Let’s pray and ask God what we should be doing to heal our marriage.
7. I need you because _______________________. I forgive you for _______________and will you forgive me for ______________________. Let’s committ to not hurting each other any more.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Showing her ways to improve intimacy will probably go a whole lot further than to risk hurting her feelings by what you say. The Bible has a really healthy range of keeping the bedroom relationship pleasing and constraints on what will harm that relationship. See my post How To Become A Great Lover. Here are some somethings that might be helpful.

1. Operate in patience and be kind.
2. Determine if there are any emotional roots or physical roots that she has. Former abuse in any form can ruin intimacy until it is worked out, perhaps even through counseling.
3. Is she prone to feeling rejected or low self esteem? You will have to build that before going any further in building intimacy.
4. Have you considered that she may feel the same way about you? Communications could help in this.
5. Follow Biblical guidelines – keep the marriage bed undefiled, do nothing the two of you can’t agree on and feel confortable with. No porn. No lewd activities. No third parties. No cheating, etc. These are all biblical guidelines.
6. As you all begin to develop intimacy tell her the things she is doing right, praise her and build upon that. That principle is laid out in Songs of Soloman. The whole book is about them expressing to each other how satisfied they are of their intimacy.
7. Build security. The more secure a woman feels the more she can be free.
8. Reduce the stress in her life and help with the kids. This can do wonders for you because she will have more energy.
9. Let her verbally know that you love her, that she is important and what she means to you.
10. Take her away for intimate weekends throughout your relationship. Just getting away from the daily grind and spending special time to provide romance will help.

I believe it can be true love when there is no spark. But the question is do you need spark for your personality? Many people live very happy, mild lives because they have a lot in common and are happy to be together. Others need spark – fire, heat, passion along with having a lot in common and being happy together.

Just think about the movie Sleepless in Seatle the character played by Meg Ryan would have been content to marry “Walter” but when she met “Sam” there was MAGIC and she went for it. Obviously she needed spark. But think about Ethel and Fred on the Lucy show, no spark required. I know these are only fictional but you can see personality traits in them.

So when you read your own personality do you see Morticia and Gomez on the Addams Family – spark, or do you see Fred and Ethel – no spark and I could be content like that. What do you need? What do you really need?

If you are a sparky person but feel you could live happily with a sparkless person because you have a devout relationship with them it can work. But if you are a sparky person that needs to have that reciprocated then you really need to consider your life choice.

The first week we talked about releasing emotions, week two surrounded good actions towards your spouse, this week your seven day challenge is to use words to bless your relationship. Remember what was covered the last 2 weeks and still operate with those on a daily basis.

1. Start your day before you put your feet on the floor with a kind word to each other
2. Make an encouraging voice mail for your spouse.
3. Say something to make them laugh.
4. Tell them how much you love them despite your current challenges.
5. Say or sing something unusual – like a serenade or a poem.
6. Tell them you forgive them.
7. Ask them what do they think would help the marriage to become better.

Doing this on a regular basis will bring healing to your relationship. We have one more week to go on our save your marriage challenge. Hopefully I will be providing the last weeks topic by Thursday.

Separations are not always bad. Sometimes they can act as a cooling off and evaluation period. Also absence can make the heart grow fonder. If you read my posts you know I recommend God and counseling first, but to avoid divorce sometimes a little space may help. You don’t always have to separate from the same house either, sometimes just staying a part in the house is enough to cool off if you both agree that is what you want to do. There is a resource on my About page which particularly discusses separations called Hearts on Hold. Pray like never before ask God to help you, he will – he really does care and is willing to go to the end to keep marriages whole. Why not spend an evening with your spouse praying before you make the decision to separate.

Have you discussed how you are feeling with him. Sometimes you are doing the right things and they are really pleased but you never know because the two of you don’t share emotionally. Perhaps communicating would help open doors so that if there are some things that he really needs that you are doing or might be aware of you can begin to do so. Talk, talk, talk – openly, honestly and without offending each other. Learn to live as friends. Friends support each other no matter what. God will help you to work it out.

When I married you I envision a lover, a friend for life and a mother that would honor me as a husband and with the children. I’m sitting here today wondering what the hell was I thinking and where I went wrong. The saddest part of all is that I still love you, because when you’re not a raving idiot under the influence of the liqour you are actually a wonderful person.

I am writing this letter to you to say that I can’t live like this any more. Your rages are tearing me and the kids a part. I can’t handle this. I know I promised to be with you always, but it just can’t be like this. You’re going to have to get some help. I will do whatever it takes to get that for you. Don’t come telling me you don’t have a damn problem you do have one and the sooner you own up to it the better it will be for our relationship.

I love you. But I can’t stand the fact that you are killing yourself emotionally, physically and tearing up our relationship. What I wouldn’t give to come home and not smell alcohol on your breath or smell it in your skin when we are close. What I wouldn’t give to have the old you back. Please give me the real you back. I need you. Don’t do this to us. Let’s do whatever it take. I don’t care what caused you to start drinking like this, let’s figure it out and work it out before it is too late.

I know this letter is going to be hard on you. I know you won’t receive it at first. But I need you to know that if you want this relationship to continue, you will have to listen to me because I love you enough to tell you the truth. I don’t want you out of my life, I just want a wonderful life and I can’t have that with you sharing it with a bottle. Let’s do this. I love you.

This letter is dedicated to all the husbands having this issue. May the God Lord change the direction of your world. See my About page for resources. God can help it all turn out right.

I wasn’t quite sure whether this was long term referring to years in marriage, but I am writing with that assumption. There is a book called The Act of Marriage Over 40 I would highly recommend it if you have invested years in a relationship but the physical side is a different because of natural changes in your spouse due to aging. Men have less problems than women do in that area, so please don’t go for the young thing trade in – learn about what is going on in your wife’s body. These days there is a lot of help out there, but that book would be an excellent place to start.

In last weeks segment we focussed on healing memories, prayer, going beyond how you really feel and trusting God to change your emotions towards your spouse. This week we will focus on 7 things that you can do. Just remember that the things you did last week apply this week too and should continue. There is truth to the saying actions speak louder than words. This week:
1. Find some way to take the load off your spouse and let them know you are doing it because you see their burden and you want to help. Now if they don’t respond appreciatively don’t let it get to you. You’ve spent years building up offenses it will not be removed over night.
2. Take the lead in a household chore before they do it.
3. Purchase something thoughtful and give it to them even if you have to buy it from the dollar store.
4. Send a e-card or give them a regular card.
5. Write I love you somewhere they can see it – shaving cream on a bathroom mirror, a note stuffed in their pillow, a note left on the car seat.
6. Take them somewhere they have being begging you to go.
7. Do a sports activity together – walking, hiking, bike riding, skating etc.

1. Peace
2. Support
3. Help with the children
4. Respect
5. Romance
6. To feel loved
7. Consideration
8. Not to feel stiffled
9. Don’t yell
10. Don’t be controlling
11. More money
12. Show interest in what she like and date each other often

1. Sex
2. Love
3. Flirtation
4. Support
5. Listen
6. Shut up sometimes
7. Stop complaining
8. Show that you appreciate him

9. Give him some down time

10 Don’t spend all the money

11. Stay in shape and look good

12. Treat him with respect

Dear husband,
When I marriage you I completely loved you. You were the sun and the moon and the earth and the stars to me. It stayed that way for a while until you one day I saw you reach for that bottle and put it in your mouth. At first you drank only a little saying that it was just social drinking. After you wrecked the car for the 2nd time, I guess we both know that you are a full blown alcoholic. Or did I realize that the first time you beat me in your drunken stuppor. Why are you destroying our lives? Why do you make me hate you? Don’t you know I was willing (and still am if you change) the rest of my life? Does that mean anything to you – that I will devote myself to your wellbeing until death do us part? I love you.

Right now I hate the thought of you, the smell of you and the touch of you in our bed. You are a sloppy wretch. Stop it. Stop it now before you hurt me beyond repair or destroy someone elses life in an accident. I cringe everytime I hear the news of a DUI hoping that you were not the fool behind the wheel. I cring everytime you want to touch me because you are out of control when you are drunk. I even fear you coming home. I actually hide to see what kind of mood you’re going to be in when you open the door. And you terrify the kids. They don’t know who or what you are. They need a role model. Will you be the man I married or some sick liquor induced alter ego? Don’t you even try to remember when things were good between us? Don’t you even remember how good we were together and the nights I spent loving you? What happened? Or were you this way all the time and just deceived me to get me to marry you? I did not marry you to be miserable. I married you because I loved you and wanted that to last forever. Stop destroying us. If you ever really loved me, put that bottle down and let’s pray to God to help you get sobber and stay that way. God can help us. I am willing to work with you. Please for both of us and the love we had – STOP.

Dear God,
This letter is dedicated to all the women in those desire straits. Please help their marrige to survive and be healed. Amen

I was watching television the other day and heard a news story that was beyond comprehension to me. Truly it will be beyond comprehension for any American. The story was about honor killing in India. They showed two dynamically clashing sides of their culture. Hoards of people were protesting and crying for the overturn of  honor killing, while others were demanding that the laws stay in tact. As they showed both sides of the issue I felt myself cringing on the inside thinking how can anybody think it is okay to kill their wife or any woman especially after she has been violently assaulted. According to the honor killing theory a raped woman was no different than a fornicator, prostitute or adulteress.

When the reporter asked the person he was interviewing why there was no difference. He admitted to killing his own sister who had been raped. Shooting her four times in the head and stating she was damaged goods and that no one in their country wanted their women to be like American women. I had to chuckle at that because an Amercian male would more than likely say we would not want to be like you because we don’t  kill our women, especially those that have been raped. Even in the American prison system a man who abuses a woman, a child, or the elderly is likely to be dead by the hands of inmates long before their prison term is over because it’s not tolerated.

One of the persons interviewed that was against honor killing said that the system had been around since the Ottoman Empire and it should end now. The person cried out that thte killing must stop. Our Bible would agree with that person. The Lord straightened that out a long time ago when a woman caught in the very act of adultery was tossed down at his feet by a mob that was carrying massive rocks to stone her. The crowd was thristy for blood – the blood of the woman I might add, they let the man off the hook. The mob said something to the effect, the law says we have the right to stone and adultress. The Lord started writing in the sand. They pressed him again. He replied he that is without sin cast the first stone. Not a one in the crowd could do anything but put their stones down and leave because they were all, just as we all are, guilty of something.

Another time the Lord encountered a woman that was living with a man. He exposed her whole life with men. He said, you’ve had 5 husbands and the one you are living with now is not your husband. He never condemend her for being a fornicator. He knew what she and the man were doing. He just let her go to spread the good news.

The standard that our bible sets up for marriage is love your wife, honor your wife, support your wife, encourage your wife, listen to your wife, help your wife, provide for your wife and physically satisfy your wife. The standard is also to love God first so that he can show you how to do that. He never wanted one single hair on one of his womens head harmed in any way. That is why he even allowed Moses to write the bill of divorcement because the men were abusing and killing the women. God’s heart breaks when women are abused, harmed or killed. As much as he never EVER wanted divorce to ever take place – he valued a woman’s life more and in essence said if you are going to treat her like that just let her go. We are the problem. We disobey God. We disobey his standards and doing things the way he instructed us to do them. Then our lives are in a mess and marriages are in shambles. Go back to God and all that can be remedied.

Is it a sin to fornicate and commit adultery. Yes by all means according to God’s law. And according to his most holy standard it is worthy of death by what was written in the law. But in his mercy he placed love and forgiveness above the law. But in his mercy he placed life above death. So he told the woman caught in adultery go and sin no more. To the other woman living with the man he said nothing.

Any deviation from God’s standard according to God is sin. And according to God’s standard all people with unrepented sin will perish. I truly believe that want God wants from all of us is to love him and to obey him, and then when we disobey because of our human weakness to come to him ask forgiveness and allow him to teach us to live according to what he knows is best for us. God never wanted anyone to fornicate or commit adultery – NEVER. He sanctified sex for marriage only. He wanted us to have one special person that and one special relationship that no one else could immitate. One initmate relationship that no one else could have but them. Then he wanted that couple to spend a lifetime figuring each other out. But he is aware that we do it and will never stop trying to get us to do the right thing because he knows that is the path that will bring the most good to our lives and spare us pain. Women are a gift from God to be treated as precious. The spirit of the living God is still crying out all over the world today put the rocks down.

This is my 22 nd  year of marriage and I can honestly say of my husband he is good to me in so many ways that there would be too many to mention. This morning I woke up smiling because I had dreamed about him. I dreamed we were dancing on a beautiful ship and that the paparzzi were all around us taking pictures. The dream was so real and it just felt good. I woke up thinking I am so blessed to still think wonderfully of my husband after all these years and we’ve been through a lot but still love each other like crazy.
So if you read my posts you know that I decided to dedicate the next month to marriage restoration and I hope you will come on the journey with me and leave your own words of personal encouragement for those who may be struggling. You also know that I got inspired to do this after watching the movie Fireproof and highly recommended that anyone going through marriage difficulty watch the movie – so let’s get started.

The following tips can help a bad marrige to become better and a good marriage to become exceptional. For week one I want you to focus on 7 things:
1. Why did you fall in love with your spouse?
2. I want you to start a log on every good thing your spouse has ever done for you and I don’t care how you feel about them right now. Dig in those memories and start building a log. Start with the very first thing that they did to impact your life. And write about that good thing until you begin to feel it emotionally, even if one event takes all day to stir those memories.
3. Think about what made your spouse stand out and make you want to marry them beyond any other person you had a relationship with.
4. I want you to tell your spouse that you love them at least twice a day for the next 31 days even if they curse you for saying it.
5. I want you to say a prayer for your spouse every day for the next 31 days – It can be short like Dear God save my marriage.
6. I want you to list things that you know bug the __________ out of your spouse pick the top one and let your spouse know that from this day forward I will….
7. I want you to touch your spouse – a hug, hold hands, kiss, back rub, foot massage – just do something every day as often as you would like.

Next I want you to find a marriage tip from your pet. Pet’s have great marriage philosophy if we observe them and then do something that you learned from your pet to enhance your marriage. I am going to give you five things that I learned from my pet which I have incorporated into my marriage:
1. Unconditional love – my dog love me no matter what. I can have a good day or a bad day. I can be a complete nut case and drive everybody in my house up the wall but my dog will stay right by my side. Never leave me and will be kind and loving towards me no matter what my mood is.
2. My dog wakes me up every morning and makes me laugh, then we play, then she goes off to the rest of the house to wake everybody up. So I make sure that my husband wakes up to a smile everyday.
3.My dog knows whenever I come home and greets me at the door or runs out to the car. So I greet my husband whenever I know he’s coming in and I never let him leave without saying goodbye and kissing him.
4. My dog spends quality time with me everyday. We have at least one meal together and she always makes sure that I spend time away from work. My husband and my schedule is so busy but we do try to have some meals together during the week and at least Sunday morning and evening the whole family has meals together. We are trying to learn not to always work and have more time for entertainment.
5.My dog forgives and forgets. If I accidently step on her tail and she cries. If I pick her up and say I’m sorry she’s ready to play again. So I purpose to always be in a forgiving mood like my dog.

Please share your pets marriage tips as well.

I watched a movie last night that brought to mind my blog audience. It was such a timely and compelling movie that I decided to write about. The movie was called Fireproof. I want you to view the movie so I won’t provide a lot of details, but it was about a couple going through hate and hell and trying to decide whether turning the situation around was worth it. I found myself going through a range of emotions as the drama unfolded. But I concluded that watching that movie could be highly inspirational if you want to save your marriage – TODAY. Now, I won’t say whether things actually worked out for the couple or not, but I will say it was enough information in the movie to help any doomed marriage if that is what you want. The movie also inspired me to put together a 31 day challenge to readers of this blog starting May 1st. This site is dedicated to saving marriages and making them better so keep posted for the marriage challenge that is ahead.