Life events, both good and bad, cause stress.  Divorce is ranked near the top of life events in terms of creating stress as well as possible emotional and physical problems.  Only death of a spouse or child rates as high or higher in terms of a life event score.  Nevertheless, with the high overall divorce rate in the United States, we have come to believe that divorce is just “one of those things” and people just move on with their lives.  That seems to not be the case.  As most of us know by personal experience, either our own or that of our close family and friends, divorce is not “just one of those things”.  It rips apart a relationship that was supposed to last and exposes major problems in terms of fiances, emotional security and physical well being. Children often suffer greatly and much has been written about the negative effects of divorce on children.  Now a new study sheds more light on the negative health consequences of divorce for the most affected parties, the spouses.  It seems that regardless of final outcome, even remarriage, divorced men and women both suffer greater declines in overall health status.  These health woes include  high blood pressure, diabetes and cancer.  Also, limitations on physical mobility as well as social isolation seem to increase overall in the divorced.  While no specific etiology is proposed, one must assume that the mental, emotional and physical effects of divorce have a significant impact on the immune system, which no doubt makes divorced men and women more susceptible to the development of illness.  Changes in eating habits with subsequent loss or gain of weight, as well as altered sleep, are also likely intertwined in the development of this increase in illness. While simply urging couples to stay married may be naive, this study makes a potent case for urging those in troubled marriages to seek all possible avenues to resolve their differences and marital issues and stay together.  Often, one partner will not give professional intervention a meaningful opportunity to work, or they simply “go through the motions” without any emotional investment in the outcome of counseling or marriage interventions.  We may have to live with divorce and its fallout, but we should all be mindful of the negative effects that divorce carries, not only for the family and children, but for the physical well being of the spouses . . . ben kazie md

Health problems from the stresses of divorce or a partner’s death persist even after remarriage, a study found.  Divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health problems such as diabetes and cancer than married people, according to a study published in the September issue of the Journal of Health and Social behavior. People who remarry suffer 12 percent more of these conditions than those continuously married.

Divorce Heartbreak Has Lasting Health Consequences, Study Says – http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601124&sid=aOKTsymCkaKU

Yes, according to a new study that finds divorce and widowhood have a lingering, detrimental impact on health — even after remarriage. The study, scheduled to be published in the September issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, analyzes data from nearly 9,000 adults nationwide, ages 51 to 61, and finds those who had been divorced or widowed suffered 20 percent more chronic health conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, than individuals who were currently married.

Divorce May Make You Sick – http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/07/28/earlyshow/living/relationships/main5193075.shtml

Divorce causes more than bitterness and broken hearts. The trauma of a split can leave long-lasting effects on mental and physical health that remarriage might not repair, according to research released this week.

* Divorced or widowed people found to have 20 percent more chronic health conditions
* Marriage is believed to have protective physical and mental health benefits
* Traumas of divorce could be detrimental and difficult for people to rebound from

Divorce takes health toll that remarriage can’t heal, study says – http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/28/divorce.marriage.health/

The study, to be published in the September issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, analyzed data from close to 9,000 people aged 51 to 61 and found that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions than married people (such as heart disease, diabetes, and cancer), and 23 percent had more mobility limitations (such as climbing stairs).

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2009/07/28/2009-07-28_divorce_has_negative_effect_on_health_even_after_remarrying_study.html#ixzz0YdZZVeP0

Divorce increases chances for chronic health problems, even after remarrying: study – http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2009/07/28/2009-07-28_divorce_has_negative_effect_on_health_even_after_remarrying_study.html#ixzz0YdZNLP76
This article develops a series of hypotheses about the long-term effects of one’s history of marriage, divorce, and widowhood on health, and it tests those hypotheses using data from the Health and Retirement Study. We examine four dimensions of health at mid-life: chronic conditions, mobility limitations, self-rated health, and depressive symptoms. We find that the experience of marital disruption damages health, with the effects still evident years later; among the currently married, those who have ever been divorced show worse health on all dimensions. Both the divorced and widowed who do not remarry show worse health than the currently married on all dimensions. Dimensions of health that seem to develop slowly, such as chronic conditions and mobility limitations, show strong effects of past marital disruption, whereas others, such as depressive symptoms, seem more sensitive to current marital status. Those who spent more years divorced or widowed show more chronic conditions and mobility limitations.

Marital Biography and Health at Mid-Life – Hughes, Mary Elizabeth; Waite, Linda J.  Source: Journal of Health and Social Behavior, Volume 50, Number 3, September 2009 , pp. 344-358(15) Publisher: American Sociological Association – http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/asoca/jhsb/2009/00000050/00000003/art00007

One of the big dangers to people in your situation (which, if history is any guide, also includes your ex) is that the combination of emotional and financial stress caused by a breakup of a marriage can be so overwhelming that it leads to sense of hopelessness, a feeling that you’ve gotten into a hole so deep, you’ll never claw your way out.

Starting over post-divorce and deep in debt – http://money.cnn.com/2006/05/22/pf/expert/ask_expert/index.htm

Pat yourself on the back – you have finally done it! The worst of the emotional roller coaster is over. Your new life begins. Although that may be true, there are some loose financial ends that need to be tied. The settlement that you acquired can lead to a false sense of security. Statistics indicate that this is the time when most financial mistakes are made, especially if you sat back comfortably in the passenger seat when it came to managing the financial household in your previous relationship. Now is the time to learn good money management principles.
That means keeping accurate records, paying bills on time, and sticking to your long-term financial plan.

Financial Recovery After the Divorce – http://www.divorceresourcecentre.com/pdfs/Financial%20Recovery.pdf

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Recently, I was described, to my face, as a tragedy.

Not a way I’ve tended to think of myself before.

Arms, legs, faculties: Check!

Free of serious injuries or ailments: Check!

Immediate family members intact: Check!

Nope, nothing tragic about this life. In fact, I tend to think that it’s (mostly) pretty damn fine.

Beloved boyfriend, dear friends, fabulous family, occasionally troublesome but affectionately regarded stepsons all in place. It’s not a cakewalk (what IS a cakewalk?) but I enjoy it thoroughly and regularly.

But no, my life, and specifically my family, is tragic.

Hummm.

The person who made the comment about stepfamilies being tragic should know better. She’s a stepmother herself, and a member of the Lovely Man’s extended family.

I wonder if she thinks the kids she had with her husband are a tragedy, seeing that they are part of a stepfamily? Is she a tragedy?

Now, I’m not denying that my stepboys often feel grief that their mum and dad separated, and, by extension, that I’m now in their lives as the Lovely Man’s partner.

One loves me, one likes me, and one struggles to like me and not like me at the same time. And I know that if they could push a magic button and go back to the way they thought things were before, they would.

Still, we have fun together. We laugh. Last visit we decorated the Christmas tree together. I baked them gingerbread moose biscuits (of which more later). We went to the zoo and tried to outdo each other in the authenticity of our flamingo calls.

We’re not perfect; all five of us have our different sadnesses at the situation.

But. We. Are. Not. Tragic.

Got it?

Good.

God hates divorce

• Mal 2:16 GNB “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel. “I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to his wife. Make sure that you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife.”
• Mal 2:16 KJV For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.

Vows are forever binding even when they may cause enormous personal pain

• Num 30:2 KJV If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.

The first Gospel did not allow remarriage.

Note also that this Gospel was written primarily for Gentiles who were unlikely to have access to any other Gospels.

• Mar 10:6-9 KJV But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. (7) For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; (8) And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. (9) What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

When Jesus was asked to clarify what He meant in the first Gospel he disallowed remarriage.

• Mar 10:10-12 KJV And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter. (11) And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. (12) And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

The Gospel of Luke did not allow remarriage

This is what we would expect as it is perfectly consistent with the Gospel of Mark.

• Luk 16:18 KJV Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.

Romans 7 does allows remarriage only after the death of a spouse

Paul is stating what is assumed to be understood by the readers that marriage was binding until death.  He did not mention any exception clause even though they are apparently only two in number.  This is perfectly consistent with the Gospel of Mark and Luke.

• Rom 7:2-3 KJV For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. (3) So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.

The marriage ’summary’ in 1 Corinthians 7 allows for remarriage only after death

The letter is written to a sexually immoral church and chapter seven is addressing the question regarding marriage.  In this context marriage is stated as being until death.

• 1Co 7:39 KJV The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.

The command to Christians in 1 Corinthians 7 does not allow remarriage

It must be remembered that the letter is written to a sexually immoral church.  Yet no excpetion is given but the Christian is commanded to stay married, or if that is refused, to remain single.

• 1Co 7:10-11 KJV And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: (11) But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

Paul in 1 Corinthians 7.10 says he is repeating what Jesus taught.  That passage fails to mention any ‘exception’ clause

• 1Co 7:10-11 KJV And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:

Paul says He is teaching what Jesus taught.  He is writing to a church guilty of sexual immorality and yet he mentions nothing about being able to divorce on the grounds of sexual immorality.  This would seem to be a gross oversight.

However there is no oversight.  The absence of any exception clause clearly indicates that Jesus did not teach that a person could divorce on any grounds including that of sexual immorality.  This is perfectly consistent with Mk 10, Lu 16 and Rom 7.

We are commanded to be ‘perfect’ as God is perfect.  God did not divorce unfaithful and immoral Israel but rather loved her and called her to return to Himself.

Hos 1:2 NKJV When the LORD began to speak by Hosea, the LORD said to Hosea: “Go, take yourself a wife of harlotry And children of harlotry, For the land has committed great harlotry By departing from the LORD.”  …

3:1 Then the LORD said to me, “Go again, love a woman who is loved by a lover and is committing adultery, just like the love of the LORD for the children of Israel, who look to other gods and love the raisin cakes of the pagans.”

The objection to this is that Jer 3.8 says that God gave Israel a ‘bill of divorce’.  However, look at what the Lord says just six verses after that:

• Jer 3:14 KJV Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion:

And just 12 verses later we see the Lord calling His unfaithful people to return.

• Jer 3:20-23 KJV Surely as a wife treacherously departeth from her husband, so have ye dealt treacherously with me, O house of Israel, saith the LORD. (21) A voice was heard upon the high places, weeping and supplications of the children of Israel: for they have perverted their way, and they have forgotten the LORD their God. (22) Return, ye backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings. Behold, we come unto thee; for thou art the LORD our God.

The ‘bill of divorce’ that the Lord gave Israel in no way changed the Lord’s love for or commitment to His covenant people who He kept calling to return to Himself.  This is in direct contrast to divorce today where one party wishes to throw off any committment to their spouse so they can pursue another relationship.

God remains faithful to His people even when they are unfaithful because He has promised will not break His word.

• 2Ti 2:13 LITV if we are unfaithful, that One remains faithful; He is not able to deny Himself.
• Psa 89:30-34 NKJV “If his sons forsake My law And do not walk in My judgments, (31) If they break My statutes And do not keep My commandments, (32) Then I will punish their transgression with the rod, And their iniquity with stripes. (33) Nevertheless My lovingkindness I will not utterly take from him, Nor allow My faithfulness to fail. (34) My covenant I will not break, Nor alter the word that has gone out of My lips.

We are commanded to ‘love those who do not love us’.  This is the direct opposite to ‘rid yourself of those who do not love you and find yourself someone else who will love you’.

If this command is to apply to anyone surely it must apply to the person to whom we vowed to love and cherish until death separates and with whom we have been joined by God and have become one flesh with.

• Mat 5:38-48 LITV You have heard that it was said: “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth;” Ex. 21:24; Lev. 24:20; Deut. 19:21 (39) but I say to you, Do not resist the evil; but whoever strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other to him also. (40) And to him desiring to sue you, and to take your tunic, allow him also to have the coat. (41) And whoever shall compel you to go one mile, go two with him. (42) He asking you to give, and he wishing to borrow from you, do not turn away. (43) You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor” and hate your enemy; Lev. 19:18 (44) but I say to you, Love your enemies; bless those cursing you, do well to those hating you; and pray for those abusing and persecuting you, (45) so that you may become sons of your Father in Heaven. Because He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and unjust. (46) For if you love those loving you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax-collectors do the same? (47) And if you only greet your brothers, what exceptional thing do you do? Do not the tax-collectors do so? (48) Therefore, you be perfect even as your Father in Heaven is perfect.

Divorce was not permitted before Moses

Adultery, fornication, willful abandonment and abuse of all kinds existed prior to Moses.  Yet divorce was not permitted.

• Mat 19:8 KJV He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

Christian hearts are no longer hard so the need to allow divorce in the church is no longer necessary

• Eze 36:26 KJV A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

Divorce was never allowed by God.

The immediate objection to this statement is that Deuteronomy 24 legislates divorce and so God must have allowed it.  The inconsistency and foolishness of this argument is easily shown by considering a similar passage in Deuteronomy.

Has God ever condoned rape?  Does He allow rape today?  Of course not.  Yet look how it is legislated just two chapters before divorce is regulated:

• Deu 22:28-29 GNB “Suppose a man is caught raping a young woman who is not engaged. (29) He is to pay her father the bride price of fifty pieces of silver, and she is to become his wife, because he forced her to have intercourse with him. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

Has God ever condoned polygamy?  Does God condone polgamy today?  Yet look how He legislated polygamy in De 21:

• Deu 21:15-16 KJV If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, and they have born him children, both the beloved and the hated; and if the firstborn son be hers that was hated: (16) Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit that which he hath, that he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, which is indeed the firstborn:

So, just because God legislates divorce does not mean that he ever allowed or sanctioned it any more than He allows or sanctions rape or polygamy.  God hates divorce.  Why would he allow or sanction it?

Deut 24.1-4 is not directing the a ‘bill of divorcement’ should be given.  It is saying that when one is given, this is how the recipient should be treated.  So the Deu 24 passages describes what to do after a divorce has happened in the same way that Deu 22 describes what should happen after a rape.

Marriage is a covenant.  A covenant cannot be annulled.

Covenants are often broken in the Bible but that never annulls that covenant.  Israel broke the Old Covenant hundreds of time yet it remained intact and binding until the death of Christ and the arrival of the New Covenant.

• Mal 2:14 KJV Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
• Gal 3:15 KJV Brethren, I speak after the manner of men; Though it be but a man’s covenant, yet if it be confirmed, no man disannulleth, or addeth thereto.

Man is not to separate that which God has joined together.

• Mat 19:6 KJV Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

It is not possible to separate what God has joined together.

Jesus quotes Gen 2 when describing the mystery of a husband being joined to his wife:

• Gen 2:23 KJV And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

The ‘one flesh joining’ that Jesus describes is pictured in the first marriage of Adam to Eve.  How was Adam and Eve one flesh?  Eve was completely made from Adam’s very body! Eve could never seperate herself from Adam because she was made out of Adam. This is what happens in marriage when God joins a man and wife.  They become one flesh like Eve was one flesh with Adam.  For Eve to undo that one flesh relationship would be impossible.  So to it is impossible to undo the one flesh that Goid joins together in marriage.

Divorce does not exist in Heaven

Earthly marriage is intended to represent the divine and heavenly institution of marriage.  If God will not divorce His church, why should a man divorce his wife?

Marriage is a representation of Christ and the Church.  Christ will never divorce the Church.

• Eph 5:31-32 KJV For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. (32) This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
• Heb 13:5 KJV Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

We love our own bodies and would never allow part of us to be removed!

• Eph 5:28-29 LITV So, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies, (he loving his wife loves himself), (29) for then no one hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as also the Lord the assembly.

A person would never amputate a perfectly healthy arm or leg.  This is essentially what occurrs when a person divorces his spouse.  This is self mutilation and does not glorify the Lord.

A person may amputate a limb when that limb has died.  So to, a person is released from marriage when their spouse dies.

It was generally accepted by the Early Church fathers that divorce and remarriage was forbidden by Christ.

That this view was held so close to the original teaching of the Apostles and Christ is most persuasive.  It would seem unlikely that such a significant deviation from the truth on marriage could be seen in such a short period.

The marriage covenant is unique and unparalleled.

Marriage is the only covenant where God is said to join two people into one.  Thus all other covenants or contracts are infinitely less significant since no other covenant sees God joining two people into ‘one flesh’.  So, even if all other covenants could be annulled (which they can’t), the marriage covenant could still stand apart based on this one central difference.

Is marriage a Biblical covenant and can Biblical covenants be annulled.

Is Marriage a Covenant?

• Mal 2:14 KJV Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
• Pro 2:17 KJV Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God.
• Jer 31:32 KJV Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day that I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt; which my covenant they brake, although I was an husband unto them, saith the LORD:

Can a Covenant be annulled?

No

• Gal 3:15 KJV Brethren, I speak after the manner of men; Though it be but a man’s covenant, yet if it be confirmed, no man disannulleth, or addeth thereto.
• Psa 89:34 NKJV My covenant I will not break, Nor alter the word that has gone out of My lips. (even though Israel had ‘renounced the covenant’ v39)

Except by death:

• Rom 7:2 NKJV For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband.

• In the context of Jesus death (Zec 11.13)

  Zec 11:10 NKJV And I took my staff, Beauty, and cut it in two, that I might break the covenant which I had made with all the peoples.

• Born Again Christians Just As Likely to Divorce As Are Non-Christians
  - Barna Group Research.  Interesting but sad reading.
• Divorce in the Bible in pictures
  - I like pictures so I had to include this.
• The Story of Catherine of Aragon.
  - This is a tragic story.  Catherine was an exceptional woman.  Shortly before she died she sent her unfaithful and cruel husband a letter stating that “mine eyes desire you above all things”.  She understood what a marriage covenant really meant.
• Giles Corey
  - The husband of Martha, was executed by ‘pressing’ because he refused to confess to the crime of witchcraft in the Salem witch hunts and remained faithful to his wife accused of the same.  He is famously recorded as having said ‘more weight’ as they pressed his body to the death.
• Divorce rates over 100 years
  -http://www.atheists.org/courthouse/decline.html
• http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm

Generally Opposed to ALL Divorce & Remarriage

God did not say to Adam, “Now I made this woman to be your wife, but if your marriage doesn’t work out, you may divorce her, and we’ll try another rib!”

Doctrinal

• Divorce & Remarriage: A Position Paper
  - John Piper (www.desiringgod.org)
  - A brief but excellent paper that describes in a methodical way why Piper believes that marriage is binding until the physical death of the spouse.
• On Divorce & Remarriage in the Event of Adultery
  - John Piper
  - Very similar in content to the the link above only focussing specifically on Mt 19.
• A Statement on Divorce & Remarriage in the Life of Bethlehem Baptist Church
  - This is a good article showing how a pastor can hold a view that the church he pastors does not implement fully.
• Not Under Bondage (1 Corinthians 7:15): Does the Believer, Whose Unbelieving Spouse Has Departed, Have the Authority to Remarry?
  - West Palm Beach Church of Christ.  Lesson adapted from sermon given by Brent Kercheville.
• Tertullian: On Mongamy
  - Not easy to read but a good example of one of the Early Church Fathers’ view on marriage.
• Anabpatist Online Book
  - This is quite a thorough, readable and practical consideration of divorce and remarriage.  The book argues for life long marriage, no divorce (but allows separation) and no remarriage.
• http://www.biyn.org/divorce/
  - Some good stuff here
• http://www.marriagedivorce.com/
  - Lots of info on this site.
• http://www.cadz.net/
  - Lots of audio sermons.
• http://www.brethrenonline.org/articles/DIVORCE.HTM
  - Position of the Brethren Church

Pastoral

• Rejoice Ministries
  - An excellent support ministry for those who refuse to divorce and remarry and wish to ’stand’ for their marriage.
  - Open Letter to America’s Pastors
• A letter from a lady who realised her marriage to a divorce man was adulterous.

Generally Opposed to MOST Divorce & Remarriage

Doctrinal

• http://www.wcg.org/lit/ethics/divorce2.htm
  - A fairly comprehensive consideration of the subject.  The format makes it hard to read sadly.
• Divorce and Remarriage sermons by Harold Chase
  - There are eight MP3 sermons running for about 12 hours in total dealing comprehensively with this topic.  His view is that there are only two lawful grounds for divorce and remarriage - fornication and willful abandoment by a non-believer.  He also deals with the practicality of how to handle unlawful remarriages in his church and embarks on the process in his own church.  I don’t think I have heard any preacher speak more directly to his audience then he has.

Generally Supportive of Divorce & Remarriage

Doctrinal

• Book of Matthew 19, ( Matt 19 ) Bible Study on Divorce (Putting Away) and Remarriage.
  - Divorce Hope wesbite.
• Divorced Christians Who Married Again Are NOT In Adultery!
  - Divorce Hope wesbite.
• The Clear and Simple Truth on Divorce and Remarriage
  - Robert Waters.
  - The article bases its argument upon the terms ‘put away’ and ‘divorce’ having two very different meanings.  The article asserts that what is forbidden is the sending away of a spouse without first providing legal divorce papers.  That is, separation without the provision of a ‘bill of divorcement’ results in a person who remarries being legally married to two people, hence it is an adulterous marriage.  Thus it also asserts that divorce for any reason, as long as there are legal papers attached, is a Biblical divorce.
• The Marriage Bed

Pastoral

• Divorce Hope Website
  - A site that is dedicated to removing the guilt of those who have been divorced.  It has a very liberal view of the Biblical teaching on divorce and remarriage.

Hermas [A.D. 80]

“What then shall the husband do, if the wife continue in this disposition [adultery]? Let him divorce her, and let the husband remain single. But if he divorce his wife and marry another, he too commits adultery” (The Shepherd 4:1:6 [A.D. 80]).

Justin Martyr [A.D. 151]

“In regard to chastity, [Jesus] has this to say: ‘If anyone look with lust at a woman, he has already before God committed adultery in his heart.’ And, ‘Whoever marries a woman who has been divorced from another husband, commits adultery.’ According to our Teacher, just as they are sinners who contract a second marriage, even though it be in accord with human law, so also are they sinners who look with lustful desire at a woman. He repudiates not only one who actually commits adultery, but even one who wishes to do so; for not only our actions are manifest to God, but even our thoughts” (First Apology 15 [A.D. 151]).

“And so those who make second marriages according to human law are sinners in the sight of our Teacher” (First Apology 250: http://www.ccel.org/ccel/richardson/fathers.x.ii.iii.html)

Clement of Alexandria [A.D. 208]

“That Scripture counsels marriage, however, and never allows any release from the union, is expressly contained in the law: ‘You shall not divorce a wife, except for reason of immorality.’ And it regards as adultery the marriage of a spouse, while the one from whom a separation was made is still alive. ‘Whoever takes a divorced woman as wife commits adultery,’ it says; for ‘if anyone divorce his wife, he debauches her’; that is, he compels her to commit adultery. And not only does he that divorces her become the cause of this, but also he that takes the woman and gives her the opportunity of sinning; for if he did not take her, she would return to her husband” (Miscellanies 2:23:145:3 [A.D. 208]).

Tertullian [approx 200AD]

And the reason why He has abolished divorce, which “was not from the beginning,” is, that He may strengthen that which “was from the beginning”—the permanent conjunction, (namely), of “two into one flesh:”  for fear that necessity or opportunity for a third union of flesh may make an irruption (into His dominion); permitting divorce to no cause but one—if, (that is), the (evil) against which precaution is taken chance to have occurred beforehand.  http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/anf04.iii.vii.ix.html

Origen [AD 248]

“Just as a woman is an adulteress, even though she seem to be married to a man, while a former husband yet lives, so also the man who seems to marry her who has been divorced does not marry her, but, according to the declaration of our Savior, he commits adultery with her” (Commentaries on Matthew 14:24 [A.D. 248]).

Council of Elvira [AD 300]

“Likewise, a woman of the faith who has left an adulterous husband of the faith and marries another, her marrying in this manner is prohibited. If she has so married, she may not receive Communion—unless he that she has left has since departed from this world” (Canon 9).

“If she whom a catechumen [an unbaptized person studying the faith] has left shall have married a husband, she is able to be admitted to the fountain of baptism. This shall also be observed in the instance where it is the woman who is the catechumen. But if a woman of the faithful is taken in marriage by a man who left an innocent wife, and if she knew that he had a wife whom he had left without cause, it is determined that Communion is not to be given to her even at death” (Canon 10).

Basil the Great [375]

“A man who marries after another man’s wife has been taken away from him will be charged with adultery in the case of the first woman; but in the case of the second he will be guiltless” (Second Canonical Letter to Amphilochius 199:37 [A.D. 375]).

Ambrose of Milan [AD 389]

“No one is permitted to know a woman other than his wife. The marital right is given you for this reason: lest you fall into the snare and sin with a strange woman. ‘If you are bound to a wife do not seek a divorce’; for you are not permitted, while your wife lives, to marry another” (Abraham 1:7:59 [A.D. 387]).

“You dismiss your wife, therefore, as if by right and without being charged with wrongdoing; and you suppose it is proper for you to do so because no human law forbids it; but divine law forbids it. Anyone who obeys men ought to stand in awe of God. Hear the law of the Lord, which even they who propose our laws must obey: ‘What God has joined together let no man put asunder’” (Commentary on Luke 8:5 [A.D. 389]).

Jerome [AD 396]

“Do not tell me about the violence of the ravisher, about the persuasiveness of a mother, about the authority of a father, about the influence of relatives, about the intrigues and insolence of servants, or about household [financial] losses. So long as a husband lives, be he adulterer, be he sodomite, be he addicted to every kind of vice, if she left him on account of his crimes, he is her husband still and she may not take another” (Letters 55:3 [A.D. 396]).

“Wherever there is fornication and a suspicion of fornication, a wife is freely dismissed. Because it is always possible that someone may calumniate the innocent and, for the sake of a second joining in marriage, act in criminal fashion against the first, it is commanded that when the first wife is dismissed, a second may not be taken while the first lives” (Commentaries on Matthew 3:19:9 [A.D. 398]).

Pope Innocent I [AD 408]

“[T]he practice is observed by all of regarding as an adulteress a woman who marries a second time while her husband yet lives, and permission to do penance is not granted her until one of them is dead” (Letters 2:13:15 [A.D. 408]).

Augustine [AD 419]

“Neither can it rightly be held that a husband who dismisses his wife because of fornication and marries another does not commit adultery. For there is also adultery on the part of those who, after the repudiation of their former wives because of fornication, marry others. This adultery, nevertheless, is certainly less serious than that of men who dismiss their wives for reasons other than fornication and take other wives. Therefore, when we say: ‘Whoever marries a woman dismissed by her husband for reason other than fornication commits adultery,’ undoubtedly we speak the truth. But we do not thereby acquit of this crime the man who marries a woman who was dismissed because of fornication. We do not doubt in the least that both are adulterers. We do indeed pronounce him an adulterer who dismissed his wife for cause other than fornication and marries another, nor do we thereby defend from the taint of this sin the man who dismissed his wife because of fornication and marries another. We recognize that both are adulterers, though the sin of one is more grave than that of the other. No one is so unreasonable to say that a man who marries a woman whose husband has dismissed her because of fornication is not an adulterer, while maintaining that a man who marries a woman dismissed without the ground of fornication is an adulterer. Both of these men are guilty of adultery” (Adulterous Marriages 1:9:9 [A.D. 419]).

“A woman begins to be the wife of no later husband unless she has ceased to be the wife of a former one. She will cease to be the wife of a former one, however, if that husband should die, not if he commit fornication. A spouse, therefore, is lawfully dismissed for cause of fornication; but the bond of chastity remains. That is why a man is guilty of adultery if he marries a woman who has been dismissed even for this very reason of fornication” (ibid., 2:4:4).

“Undoubtedly the substance of the sacrament is of this bond, so that when man and woman have been joined in marriage they must continue inseparably as long as they live, nor is it allowed for one spouse to be separated from the other except for cause of fornication. For this is preserved in the case of Christ and the Church, so that, as a living one with a living one, there is no divorce, no separation forever” (Marriage and Concupiscence 1:10:11 [A.D. 419]).

“In marriage, however, let the blessings of marriage be loved: offspring, fidelity, and the sacramental bond. Offspring, not so much because it may be born, but because it can be reborn; for it is born to punishment unless it be reborn to life. Fidelity, but not such as even the unbelievers have among themselves, ardent as they are for the flesh. . . . The sacramental bond, which they lose neither through separation nor through adultery, this the spouses should guard chastely and harmoniously” (ibid., 1:17:19).

Of this bond the substance // undoubtedly is this, that the man and the woman who are joined together in matrimony should remain inseparable as long as they live; and that it should be unlawful for one consort to be parted from the other, except for the cause of fornication. For this is preserved in the case of Christ and the Church; so that, as a living one with a living one, there is no divorce, no separation for ever. (http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf105.xvi.v.xi.html)

Thomas Aquinas [approx 1250]

Article. 4 – Whether it was lawful for a divorced…I answer that, According to the first above mentioned opinion, she sinned by marrying another husband after being divorced, because her first marriage still held good. For “the woman . . . whilst her husband liveth, is bound to the law of her husband” (Rom. 7:2): and she could not have several husbands at one time. But according to the second opinion, just as it was lawful by virtue of the Divine dispensation for a husband to divorce his wife, so could the wife marry another husband, because the indissolubility of marriage was removed by reason of the divine dispensation: and as long as that indissolubility remains the saying of the Apostle holds. (http://www.ccel.org/ccel/aquinas/summa.XP.ii.XP_Q67.XP_Q67_A4.html)

Article. 5 – Whether a husband can marry again… I answer that, Nothing supervenient to marriage can dissolve it: wherefore adultery does not make a marriage cease to be valid. For, according to Augustine (De Nup. et Concup. i, 10), “as long as they live they are bound by the marriage tie, which neither divorce nor union with another can destroy.” Therefore it is unlawful for one, while the other lives, to marry again. (http://www.ccel.org/ccel/aquinas/summa.XP.ii.XP_Q62.XP_Q62_A5.html?highlight=divorce#highlight)

Article. 1 – Whether it is lawful for a husband…I answer that, Our Lord permitted a man to put away his wife on account of fornication, in punishment of the unfaithful party and in favor of the faithful party, so that the latter is not bound to marital intercourse with the unfaithful one. There are however seven cases to be excepted in which it is not lawful to put away a wife who has committed fornication, when either the wife is not to be blamed, or both parties are equally blameworthy. The first is if the husband also has committed fornication; the second is if he has prostituted his wife; the third is if the wife, believing her husband dead on account of his long absence, has married again; the fourth is if another man has fraudulently impersonated her husband in the marriage-bed; the fifth is if she be overcome by force; the sixth is if he has been reconciled to her by having carnal intercourse with her after she has committed adultery; the seventh is if both having been married in the state of unbelief, the husband has given his wife a bill of divorce and she has married again; for then if both be converted the husband is bound to receive her back again. (http://www.ccel.org/ccel/aquinas/summa.XP.ii.XP_Q62.XP_Q62_A1.html)

Other

From the high view of marriage, and also from an ascetic over-estimate of celibacy, arose a very, prevalent aversion to re-marriage, particularly of widows. The Shepherd of Hermas allows this reunion indeed, but with the reservation, that continuance in single life earns great honor with the Lord. Athenagoras goes so far as to call the second marriage a “decent adultery.”

The Montanists and Novatians condemned re-marriage, and made it a subject of discipline.

Tertullian came forward with the greatest decision, as advocate of monogamy against both successive and simultaneous polygamy.

He thought thus to occupy the true middle ground between the ascetic Gnostics, who rejected marriage altogether, and the Catholics, who allowed more than one.

“Non prohibemus secundas nuptias, ” says Ambrose, “sed non suademus.” None of the fathers recommends remarriage or even approves of it. Jerome represented the prevailing view of the Nicene age. He took the lowest view of marriage as a mere safeguard against fornication and adultery, and could conceive of no other motive for second or third marriage but animal passion. “The first Adam, ” he says, “had one wife; the second Adam had no wife. Those who approve of digamy hold forth a third Adam, who was twice married, whom they follow” (Contra Jovin. 1). Gregory of Nazianzum infers from the analogy of marriage to the union of Christ with his church that second marriage is to be reproved, as there is but one Christ and one church (Orat. XXXI). (http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/hcc2.v.x.xii.html?highlight=remarriage#highlight)

Below was a useful summary of the church’s position on divorce and remarriage by the Trinity Evangelical Divinity School.  The full article can be found here.

The concluding summary was (emphasis added):

The views of church leaders and scholars have been guided by their interpretation of the biblical teachings on marriage and divorce. Not all have interpreted these passages in like manner. Indeed, some have come virtually to opposite conclusions. Because they were writing largely for men, most of their remarks and illustrations concern women at fault. Generally, however, either directly or by allusion, they agree that what applies to one sex applies equally to the other.

The Ante-Nicene Fathers generally permitted divorce on the ground of adultery. Some even required it. At the same time, remarriage was usually forbidden. Not only did it cut off any chance of marital reconciliation, but many in the church regarded marriage as an indissoluble bond which continued unbroken until the death of one spouse. Thus (prior to such an occurrence), remarriage was an adulterous act and the offender was liable to [p.141] excommunication. There was not, however, unanimity. Some, like Origen, allowed remarriage after a divorce on the ground of adultery. Others (e.g., the Council of Arles), while deploring remarriage, did not require excommunication as a penalty. The Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers were stricter in their interpretations of Jesus’ sayings. No matter what a spouse had done, remarriage following divorce was out of the question.

Augustine’s position became the foundation of the Roman Catholic view of marriage as a sacrament. When contracted between two communicants, marriage is indissoluble. Where only one is a believer, spiritual adultery is involved and a divorce may be permitted (along with remarriage, under certain conditions). This position was challenged during the Renaissance by some of the humanists (e.g., More and Erasmus), but it was reaffirmed during the Counter-Reformation by the Council of Trent as official dogma. Numerous impediments to marriage were noted, however, whereby marriages might be annulled.

The Protestant Reformation brought a fresh examination of the biblical teachings. The Continental Reformers, while holding a high view of marriage, eschewed its sacramental nature. They permitted remarriage by an innocent party after a divorce because of adultery or desertion.

The Anglicans generally held positions close to those of Roman Catholicism. While scandalized by the notion of marriage as a sacrament, they nonetheless tended to regard remarriage after divorce as adultery (although there were those who diverged from that opinion).

The dissenting denominations tended to follow the views of the Reformers. Some, like Milton, were very flexible as to cause, but most followed the Westminster divines in pronounced restraint.

My divorce is 15 years old. I’m on my second marriage since my divorce and I’m still not over #1. It’s more the first family ideal. I’m still jealous when the kids see him, and they do. My children are adults!!!!! I’m happily married, but still in mourning. Does anyone else have this problem?????? No one would guess, I’m a professional woman and appear to have it all together. YIKES!!!! I’m just sick of the pain!

Dear Reader:

Thank you for your honesty! This is a tough question because it’s about some deep rooted fantasies we all have. No one dreams of having a stepfamily or a second marriage when they are young. Society and our emotions tell us that we are supposed to want the perfect first family. Man and wife. Children. Until death do us part. The reality, of course, is FAR different than the fantasy. Very often we have a scenario in our minds that we wish could be. For remarried stepmoms like this brave reader, it can be the secret mourning of her first marriage. For stepmoms with no children of their own, it can be the secret mourning of the fact that they fell in love with a man who has kids. What you’re feeling is not unusual. You’re not a freak. You’re not alone. So then what, right? Here are a couple of ideas for you (and everyone reading this!)

Have a holiday plan.
This time of year is particularly hard on our fantasies. The holidays are when we’re supposed to celebrate our beloveds. We gather with our families and create traditions that give our family a sense of identity. These are the times when loving memories are made. It’s a lot harder to create loving memories when you’re schlepping kids all over town from one house to the other. And it can be pretty darn emotional to watch your children walk away from you and into their other parent’s house for the holiday. So have a holiday plan that will help you feel as supported and loved and yes, busy, as possible. Distract yourself. Instead of crying about what was, write a letter to each of your children (or stepchildren) about what they mean to you. Tell them what you’ve learned from them and what you hope your relationships will be.

Acknowledge your feelings and say goodbye.
Find some alone time and write down all the reasons that you wish your first family was back together. Then build a fire in your backyard or in the fireplace and say goodbye to that fantasy. Then make a list of all the reasons you love your current husband and your life together. Make a list of all the gifts your children have been given because they’re in stepfamilies. (Yes, there are gifts, too, m’ladies! As an adult child of divorce, I can attest to this fact.)

Create a behavior modification plan.
In my mid-twenties I lost 100 pounds. Yes, you read that right. When my parents divorced I turned to food, but when I hit my 20s I was able to turn things around for myself. (Read my book for more on that story). Even though most of my readers have not had to lose 100 pounds, I’m betting most of you have been on at least one diet in your lifetime. When you diet, you have to modify your behavior slowly but surely. Every time you want chocolate, you substitute something else to satisfy the craving. So. Every time you have thoughts of longing for your first family, jump on the treadmill and listen to REALLY LOUD music or call up a friend and go to a movie or organize your closet. If you fall off the wagon, don’t beat yourself up, just keep at it and eventually you will change your thought patterns.

Spend lots of time with your current husband.
Plan things to look forward to with your current partner. For instance, plan a trip together that you both are excited about. Volunteer together at a local charity that makes you feel good. Take a class together so you both learn something new. The best antidote for holding on to the past is enjoying your present.

The Brady Bunch

Remarriage is one of the most common challenges facing children whose parents divorce.   Children who have not adjusted to parental dating will have even more intense problems as they try to adjust to their newly blended family.   Remarriage leaves no hope of the parents getting back together, although some children continue to fantasize about everybody living in one home again.

Children may also have to deal with step-brothers and step-sisters, new grandparents, aunts and uncles.   They may find it hard to accept changes in discipline and the authority of the step-parent.   They may be jealous of the time and attention given to the new partner, step-brothers and sisters.   They may feel that they are treated unfairly compared to their new siblings.   A new baby may also spark feelings of anger and insecurity.   Parents may find that being aware of these issues can be useful as they help their children adjust to new situations.

Step-family relationships or “blended families” differ from original family relationships in many ways.   When families are reorganized, children often experience having more than one “mother” or “father.” Most children adapt to this.   Parents who have formed new relationships should make a special effort to spend time alone with their children.   They need to know that they are part of the new life you are building.

The step-parent enters a new family group that already has a shared history, strong bonds and an established way of operating.   Acknowledge that you will never replace their mother or father, and work on developing a unique relationship with the children.   Encourage your step-children to honour and respect both of their parents and not to take sides.   A step-parent can be a special friend to the children.   Try not to compete with, replace or be critical of the other parent.   When step-parents criticize the children’s parent, children feel worse about themselves and less loving toward the step-parent.

In many cases, step-parent and step-children are suddenly thrown together, without the chance to develop a relationship gradually. The clashing of different rules, goals, definitions of behaviour and methods of child rearing can cause many problems, and a satisfying relationship between step-parents and children usually develops slowly.   This is not surprising, since closeness, affection, friendship and trust usually need time to develop.

Step-parents can help children deal with changing roles and circumstances by being patient and giving them lots of time to adapt to their personality and lifestyle.

In an article posted today at CatholicExchange.com, How Co-habitation is a Sin Against Social Justice, Dr. Jennifer Robuck points to co-habitation as one of the greatest dangers to the physical and spiritual well-being of children, particularly when children unrelated to the partner are living under the same roof. Morse writes:

“…we know that a cohabiting boyfriend is the person most likely to abuse a child. From British child-abuse registries, we learn that a child living with his or her mother and a live-in boyfriend is 33 times more likely to be abused than a child living with his or her biological married parents. From a study of inflicted injury deaths in Missouri, we learn that children living in households with unrelated adults were 50 times more likely to die of inflicted injuries than households with both biological parents present. In 82% of the cases, the ‘unrelated adult’ was the mother’s cohabiting boyfriend.”

The issue is not primarily the fact that the man is biologically unrelated (as is clearly demonstrated by the fact that so many couples choose to expand their families through adoption). But when a couple lives together without the sacrament of marriage, the instability of the partnership has a profound affect of the children living within the home.

I would add a caveat to Dr. Morse’s observations, however.  A single mother must consider carefully — and as objectively as possible — the type of man she is dating long before the question of marriage (or co-habitation) is raised. The sacrament of matrimony is not a magical panacea.  An immature, selfish wolf won’t turn “sheepish” just because you put a wedding band on the fourth finger of his left hand.

In my article “Marriage and the Single Mom,” I address some of the red flags that can creep into a relationship, signaling that the man in question is not a suitable spouse.

I don’t need to look any farther than my own family circle to show what can happen to children when their mothers make an ill-advised match. (Thankfully, my sister and her daughter managed to escape her abuser, and she chose much more wisely the second time around.)

The mutual self-donation that is part-and-parcel of a sacramental union is made by the husband and wife for the benefit of their children — whether or not those children have a biological connection to their parents.  If the woman’s future husband is willing to love her children without reservation, out of love for Christ, well and good.

If their mother has any doubts about this, however, she is wise not to risk the wellbeing of her children by tying her future to a man she cannot trust to love her children as his own.  Her highest responsibility is her children, and her happiness is inextricably tied to theirs.

This doesn’t mean, of course, that you will be alone for the rest of your life. Every life has its chapters and seasons, and the time may come when God brings the man who is worthy of your family into your life. Or, if you ask Him, He may also bring other people into your life who can give you the kind of encouragement and support you need right now. 

Have you asked Him? Today?

Check out my guest post: Five Tricks to Help Stressed Stepparents Enjoy the Holidays on Wednesday Martin’s Psychology Today blog. Thanks Wednesday for the opportunity! And if you like what you see, listen to my conversation with Wednesday on the free podcast: Stepmoms Circles: The Stepfamily Mix.

Here’s a preview:

As Thanksgiving approaches, instead of feeling the warm anticipation of a day to spend with family, stepmothers across America are downing antacids. And really it’s no surprise. “All of our experimental and clinical research confirms that the sense of having little or no control is always distressful,” says Paul J. Rosch, MD, a clinical professor of medicine and psychiatry at New York Medical College and president of the American Institute of Stress in Yonkers, N.Y. … READ MORE.

Hi Jacque,

Could you offer some advice (or point me to the right place) for how to handle an extremely difficult ex-wife/bio Mom? In our case, my dh’s ex-wife is stunningly cruel and disrespectful. She sends us horrible emails with all sorts of untrue accusations and we are also convinced that she makes my stepdaughter fully aware of her feelings towards us. We have never retaliated with disrespectful behavior and we have, on several occasions, asked her to join us in therapy sessions so that we can learn how to better co-parent. She refuses. With this said, I have come to understand that I cannot change her behavior but I can change how I respond to it. Unfortunately, lately I am doing an awful job and I am allowing this behavior to occupy my consciousness much more than it should (ruminating thoughts, etc.). I have practiced some of the excellent tips that you offered to me in the past to disrupt the ruminations. I am now wondering if you have any advice that is geared towards this very situation (or, again, if you can point me to the right place for some thoughtful guidance/support). Thank you very much!

Dear Reader: You raise a lot of issues in your short email! Unfortunately as so many of you know, the more challenging the ex is the more difficult it is for stepmother and dad to create a stable stepfamily home. Putting together a system that works for you and your family will largely depend on the particular dynamics in your home mixed with old-fashioned trial and error.

Take the 100-year view. You didn’t mention how old your stepdaughter is, but remember this: Someday she will be 18. You will still have to deal with the ex but it will be a lot less than you have to now (assuming your stepdaughter is younger than 18).

Create a sanctuary in your home. Make your home a relaxing and fun place to be for you, your spouse, and your stepdaughter. When stressful things happen with the ex, turn toward your husband, not away. Find ways to spend time together. A good relationship with your spouse is the strongest antidote to a tough ex.

Develop a thought-management plan. For a few days, carry a notebook and jot down the times you think about the ex. What sparked it? What did you think? Write down what those thoughts make you feel. Now, make a deal with yourself. Allow the thoughts about the ex only at certain times. (For instance, for a half hour on Saturday at 2 p.m.) Then on Saturday at 2, rant and rave about the ex. At all other times, practice training your brain to stop the nasty thoughts. Here are things that might help:

• Distract yourself with something else. Call your best friend, go for a run, walk your dog, turn up your favorite music really loud, send a prayer of gratitude to the ex for signing the divorce papers.
• Practice gratitude. A simple thing really, but research has proven that by making lists every day of the things you are thankful for it can really help alleviate the negative spirals we get ourselves into.
• Ask yourself who you would be without those thoughts. This is straight from Byron Katie’s wonderful theory which she calls, “The Work.” You have the power to choose the direction of your thoughts. It takes practice, like anything else, but you CAN do it.
• Add a ritual or reward system that reminds you of your intention to think less negatively about the ex. Every time the ex pops up in your head, do some physical ritual to help you remember. For instance, light a candle and blow it out. When the light extinguishes, so do the negative thoughts. Or track the number of times you successful banish negative thoughts. Then set up rewards when you hit certain numbers. The 10th time you start thinking, “That B*&(#!!” and end up wishing her peace or distracting yourself with thoughts of the day’s tasks or a newspaper story you read, then reward yourself with something wonderful.

Employ your empathy. People are not all good or all bad so work to find something about the ex that you can empathize with. Try putting yourself in her shoes to see if you can understand why she might be feeling threatened. Remember she’s a woman who has been through divorce (even if she wanted it) and that is painful. She likely feels guilt about the breakup of the family and how it will affect her children. She could be scared to be a single mom or afraid that she’ll like your house better than hers. Find your compassion for her and it will make giving up negative thoughs much easier.

Other resources: Besides Byron Katie’s work, you might check out Positivity by Barbara Frederickson and The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky. Both authors are researchers who have tested out their theories on hundreds of people.

Dear Jacque,

A few months after I met my now husband, he discovered (through paternity testing) that he had a child from a relationship 9 years prior. The child’s mother waited for 9 years to seek child support and never established contact between my husband and her or the child (they lived 2,000 miles away).

This past year, the child’s (now 14) mother established contact with my husband and ultimately my husband has finally talked to his son online, over Skype and emails. Father and son seem to enjoy their talks and my husband is planning a trip to see him in the next few weeks. I don’t plan on going mostly because this boy hasn’t even met his father yet; bringing along an extra “mom-type” wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

I have done everything in my capability to be a good stepmom to the two kids that we share custody with with his ex-wife. In fact, some would say I’ve gone above and beyond the Stepmom call of duty. I love my stepkids and consider them like my own.

What perplexes me is that I can’t seem to wrap my head (or heart) around liking this third kid. I want to consider him part of our family, but I’m struggling with that. I admire my husband for stepping up and wanting to establish a relationship with this kid but I feel like a horrible person because I don’t want to deal with the new extension of our stepfamily.

Our custodial kids don’t know about their half-brother and we have no intentions of telling them at the moment. Both kids tend to have behavioral issues when confronted with major upheavals (as could be expected).

Any advice for how I can maintain my sanity while I warm up to an “extra” stepchild?

Dear reader: As a custodial stepmother you’ve already worked your tail off. It doesn’t seem fair that you are now faced with yet another emotional hurdle to jump, one that could potentially disrupt the hard-won stepfamily harmony you’ve already established at home. I do have some thoughts for you.

Allow yourself to have an emotional reaction.  Of course you’re going to react emotionally to such powerful news. Give yourself the time and space to cry or scream. Get it out. Embody your hurt or feelings of betrayal fully so that they don’t continue to sit in you and fester into something that will then leak out of you over time to poison you and your family. Search your heart for what is so painful about this revelation. If you can’t have children of your own, does it rub salt in an open wound? Does this make you feel differently about your spouse, as though you’ve been cheated on? React. And remember that anger often covers up the true emotions underneath. Be brave and seek out the truth in your heart. Be honest about your feelings with your husband. Get your feelings out on the table so you can look at them, deal with them, and move on with your lives.

Take it slow. I was glad to hear you didn’t jump on a plane and rush out to be part of yet another stepfamily structure the second you heard about this new development in your family. This really is your husband’s responsibility. He’s going to have to take it slow with the boy and you can take it even more easy. Allow your husband to figure out what kind of relationship he’s going to have with his son and then together the two of you can figure out what your approach will be.

Be open to unexpected gifts. In the classic hero’s journey recorded in the myths and stories of cultures around the world, there is always a moment where the hero faces a trial that she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to overcome. But she does somehow. And in the morning she finds out something amazing she never would have learned if not for the dark night of the soul initiation rite she passed through. Entertain this idea for a moment: What if this boy has entered your lives to teach you all a valuable lesson or give you a generous gift?

Be extra kind to yourself. I am serious about this. Time after time I coach stepmothers who promise they will make sure to include self-care in their daily regimen and don’t. They put everyone else’s needs before their own. (You know who you are!) So take out your calendar and schedule time EVERY DAY to do something that makes you feel good. Even if it’s only five minutes, or five deep breaths, you need to be gentle with yourself right now. If this is hard for you, listen to the Stepmom Circles Podcast in which I interview Pilar Gerasimo who clearly spells out the research-tested, doctor-approved reasons why we MUST include self-care as a regular activity.

Hi Jacquelyn,

My name is Jeff. I am happily re-married to the most wonderful woman in the whole world. We have 5 (15, 13, 11, 7, and 5 years of age) children from my previous marriage, she had no children. Every other weekend the children come stay with us and once a week we go see them and it takes about 50 minutes to get to the children (one-way). My wife says she loves me and has no problems with me and our relationship. However, she is wanting to leave due to the ex-wife being in our lives. I have put forth great effort to minimize any contact with the ex and have been quite successful just dealing with the children. The children adore their stepmom and love her more than myself (which has been great) due to lack of the proper attention at home. She (stepmom) has been a source of security and stability for me and these 5 children. She is tired of the monotony and seeing 1/2 my pay check go to a woman who does nothing but sit in her chair, watch tv, talk on a cell phone, and then leave the kids a few times a week and spend money on herself. My wife is a hard worker and sharp as a tack. She is angry for letting herself get into this situation, angry because of the wasted money, and has quite frankly had it.

I am not a stepmom. I have read a couple of books and can see where she is coming from. Issues of how society treats her, how is she supposed to act, not being herself etc. I try to stand in her shoes, I have treated her like the queen she is. I help with the house, laundry, cooking etc… She gets flowers once a month, cards, notes, daily hugs n kisses, thank yous and appreciation. I love her more than anything in this world ( I am not saying I am perfect, though. I am male ). How can I help relieve her anger and frustration? I try to get her to focus on us / me rather than the ex and future issues. She seems to go through a cycle where we are doing great and then she is walking out the door. This cycle used to be monthly and has now been not as often, around every couple of months since the beginning of the year.

We have been to counseling that was superb.

She is tired and I am hurt because she is hurting.

Any suggestions?

Signed

Losing My Soulmate

Dear Losing My Soulmate:

If only all stepmothers had a man as aware and engaged as you! (Sorry dads, but stepfamily life really asks dads to step up to the plate like never before.) It’s tough to know exactly how to advise you because I don’t know enough of your particular situation but here are a few general rules of thumb that you can share with your wife that will hopefully help alleviate some of the pressure you both feel.

Lighten up. I don’t mean to be flippant here. I really mean that. Have some fun! Since you don’t have the children all the time, go out and have some inexpensive fun. Laugh together. Create a list of activities that would interest both of you so you can build some really strong, wonderful memories together. Do this with all the kids, too. Create some fun rituals so that your stepfamily can begin to create an identity.

Hire a financial advisor or take a money class. We all know that with the economy the way it is, money is tighter than ever. Join a stepfamily and Dad’s money now goes to support two families. Though this is a tough concept for a stepmom, she really just has to accept that you are sending money to the other household. You are financially obligated to support your children. (She knows this I’m sure.) If mom is really not using the money on the kids then you always have the option of going back to court. (Though I would HIGHLY recommend mediation first because the courts rarely handle these cases intelligently, well, or fairly. Little rant there.) Check out these books for a place to start:  

For Richer Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples, by Ruth Hayden. A money class in a book that helps couples learn to view their financial lives as a partnership. Hayden doesn’t address stepfamilies specifically but her approach to dealing with money as a couple is fantastic.

Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage: Handling Delicate Financial Issues Intelligently and Lovingly, by Patricia Shiff Estes. A guide to financial systems, options, and solutions that work in remarried households as well as how to deal with the complicated emotions connected with the subject of money.

Create boundaries with the ex. It sounds like you’ve already set up the ways you two will handle your ex wife and that’s great. Sit down with your wife and brainstorm together ways you think you should handle the ex as a couple. The more you do the job of co-parenting, the better off your wife will be in the long run. If she is feeling jealous of the ex or angry at her for intruding on her family life, then tell her to write me a letter so I can help her by knowing more of the facts. It sounds like this is your wife’s biggest issue. Depending on what kind of ex you have, this can be a major stressor. Is she open to co-parenting? Or is she angry and bitter and in your faces? That makes a big difference in how things will go in your house.

Thank your lucky stars. The fact that your kids love her should make your wife jump for joy! There are so many families who are struggling because the kids are resentful of and angry at stepmom.

Chin up. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been remarried, but I want to toss this out there: The two of you are not going to figure out everything all at once. This is why that lighten up section is so important. Balance the icky parts of stepfamily life with fun times and lots of laughter and intimacy and you’ll be just fine. (If you’ve read my book then you know about John Gottman’s research: 5 positive interactions to every one negative interaction equals marital longevity and satisfaction!)

Dear Jacque,

I (26) am in a serious relationship with a girl (20) who has never been married or had kids. I have one of my own who is 5. We have recently been discussing a possible future together with kids and marriage. I have also never been married. My son’s mother and I found out she was pregnant after we had split up so marriage was never on the table. My ex has full custody, but I have him pretty much any weekend I want and for extended periods over the summer. My girlfriend expressed some serious concerns about her role as a stepmom to my son and how our future kids and my son would handle a blended family situation. She is also concerned about her role now, as my son’s dad’s girlfriend, and what amount of time spent with my son would be appropriate. I am ashamed to say that I did not have any good answers for any of these questions. Neither of us have any experience with blended family situations. Can you please give me some advice? I guess the main questions I would like addressed are the following:

*Should I segregate myself and my son from my girlfriend (while she is still just my girlfriend) when he visits? If not what level of involvment would be appropriate. How much of a say should my ex have in regards to this question?

*How is my future wife going to have any authority over my son. Is it ok if she derives this authority through me (for example: Don’t do this or your father will ground you.)?

*How should we handle jealousy that my son might have toward future kids?

Thank you very much, and any input would be extremely helpful and much appreciated.

These are all big questions! Bravo for searching out information on stepfamilies. That will serve you extremely well in the future. You and your girlfriend can do a few things to prepare so you have some idea what to expect. The first resource I would offer you is to sit down with your girlfriend and read my book together. It’s for women who are in her exact position: women who don’t have kids of their own who are dating, engaged or married to a man with kids from a previous relationship. You can read the first couple of chapters for free on my website. Check out the “Browse inside this book” on the right hand side of the page. I address a lot of the topics you are worried about.

It is absolutely okay to have your girlfriend meet your children if you are sure that this is serious with your girlfriend. If you are planning to marry her, it’s even more appropriate and in fact, important. It’s a mistake to introduce the kids to your significant other shortly before the wedding without giving everyone a chance to get to know each other.

Your ex wife does not have a say in who you introduce your son to when he’s with you. This is a hard pill for biological moms to swallow (and dads too, when the kids are with mom), but that is part of blended family life. You have to give up a certain amount of control when it comes to your kids. This is not easy!!!

As for your girlfriend’s authority, your instincts are right on. It all has to come through you. You set up the rules (see the house rules section of my book) with input from your partner and then you present them to your stepson along with the consequences for not following them. And then you tell your stepson that your partner has the authority from you to uphold those rules when you’re not around. It is a mistake to have her be a disciplinarian to your son right away until they develop a strong relationship. The bottom line is slow and steady wins the race. Take your time. Stepfamilies take a long time to feel comfortable and stable.

The jealousy issue is best handled by treating all of the children who live in the house the same. There will be things that a child will naturally feel jealousy about (a new child has more time with dad, for instance) and so the best thing to do is continue to spend time with the older children one-on-one and sending messages of love and acceptance.

You might also try these resources for more education about stepfamily life:

National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC)
www.stepfamilies.info
A vast resource for stepfamilies, the National Stepfamily Resource Center develops educational programs for stepfamilies and the professionals who work with them. Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder, director of the Center for Children, Youth, and Families at Auburn oversees the NSRC, which serves as a clearinghouse of information for stepfamilies that links family science research on stepfamilies and best practices in work with couples and children in stepfamilies. The organization’s website includes links to resources for stepfamilies, frequently asked questions, and research summaries.

Stepfamily Living
http://www.stepfamilyliving.com
Stepfamily expert Elizabeth Einstein has created this site which lists her books, DVDs, and workshops for stepfamilies.

Successful Stepfamilies
www.successfulstepfamilies.com
Author, speaker, and marriage and family therapist Ron Deal’s site with books (including The Smart Stepmom), DVD programs, free articles, and links to support Christian stepfamilies. Includes a list of conferences and workshops for stepfamilies.

Hello! I am 31 years old and the mother of a great 7 year old daughter. I have raised her by myself for the last 7 years since her father left me while I was pregnant and never showed up again. Don’t worry, it was not a big loss. He was abusive and would probably be abusive to my daughter as well so I’m glad this relationship is over and done.

I dated this guys 5-6 years ago who also had a son. At the time, his son was 4 years old. He had just divorced his wife and although I had been raising my daughter for a few years and thought I was over the whole thing of separation, it seemed that both of us could not handle it. His relationship with his ex-wife was complicated and his guilt feelings towards his son were just too intense to deal with. My feelings against men and how they can be jerks did not help. We mutually decided to part ways and moved on with our lives. We did click big time however and were both sad about it not working out. We kept in touch, mostly through news and events. He published a book and sent me an invitation, commented on the pictures I posted on Facebook and I did the same. We always wondered about each other but never made any moves to reconnect.

Until a year ago where he invited me to dinner. I accepted, not knowing what to expect. That night was magical. We were in love instantly. We dated for months and spent every minute we could with one another. Introducing the kids (they were now 7 and 9) was not all that easy. They argued and fought and we were both a bit discouraged, both taking the side of our own kids. Dad’s apartment was small and although we tried to sleep there so that it would be equal for the kids, it just made no sense. My daughter had to sleep on the couch and we just had no privacy. My house was bigger, had a yard and an extra bedroom for his son. Although this was better, our children would argue. My daughter would resent having to share all her space with these two new guys in our lives and his son would cry to go home every once in a while. We were torn.

Dad has his son one week out of two so the week he did not have his son, he would spend it at my house. It just made sense. I started seeing a little family unit building up and I was ecstatic! My daughter was bonding with him and he started teaching her to ride. My bonding experience seemed more difficult to me but I try my hardest. Then came the New York trip. My new boyfriend explained to me that him and his ex were in business together and had to go to a conference together to New York for a weekend. I had been dating him for two months… what could I say? I felt awkward about the whole thing but decided to say nothing and forced myself to smile and pretend I was happy for him. After all, she is remarried and has another kid with her husband. They would never cheat, right?

That was one of the worst weekends of my life. I became this needy pathetic things that cried and imagined them together. Their car ride together made my stomach turn. What would they talk about? Would he share intimate details of our life with her? For the first two months when he told me about his relationship with his ex, I was amazed. They had managed to work out their differences for the sake of the child. They were even able to be in business together and have supper as a new family unit. Surely I would fit in there and everybody would be happy… I was not so sure anymore.

Christmas eve came and he spent it in her family, as he did every year. It allowed him to see his son and he joined me right after. It felt very awkward to have to tell my family: he is with his ex’s family, to see his son and then he’ll join me… but everybody smiled and said what a great father he was to accept this and do it for his son. So that was ok…

We went to his mother’s for the first time and it was incredible. You should have seen the look on his face. He was beaming. He was so in love and I felt so loved. I left my daughter with my parents that time because I thought it would be awkward for her but after meeting his mother, I couldn’t wait to introduce this new amazing woman to my daughter and have them bond.

But then, trouble started… Dad calls his son every day. He talks to him for a few minutes. It bothered me. I did not want it to bother my but it did. It seem to break the bubble we were in. Why was I so selfish. I had a daughter, I could understand… but we would go away together to these getaways and he would ask: is it ok if I call my son… I said sure, what else could I say. But it just broke the moment for me. Inside was conflict. How could I be this selfish person? How could I resent a father calling his son. It irritated me and I could not explain why. I would become silent after the phone call. He almost always called him in front of me and I felt awkward. I felt like I was in the intimacy of someone. As if I needed to leave the room. I felt all weird.

Dad had always done some activities with his ex-wife’s family and although I felt very awkward I decided to give it a try. We went to a movie first. We walked in and his ex-wife was there. Meeting her was intimidating. She seemed much older than me (no this is not a nasty comment), I felt like a kid. She seemed so composed, so mature. Then her and my man started teasing each other, about his weight and about her spending and I just wanted to run and scream. My daughter was standing by my side, not knowing what to say and Dad’s son simply walked away from us and entered his own world. I could feel my daughter feeling left out and tried to make up for it but everything seemed fake. We watched the movie and my man squeezed my had a few times. That made me feel better somehow. But the look in his eyes was tough to bear… It said: Please be ok with this, please allow this to continue… pressure mounted.

One weekend we were asked to bring his son to his grandmother’s, from his mother’s side and after a family activity that went relatively well, we dropped him off. My daughter was disappointed because at this point she was getting along with the son and could not understand why he had to leave to be with his grandmother when he was supposed to be with us. I could see Dad would have liked me to get out of the car and meet the grandparents. But they were his ex’s parents. How could I? They would never like me. They would judge my every move. But how selfish of me not to do this for my stepson and my man. I could see how happy it would have made my man but how could I. I suffocated at the idea. I let him get out of the car and stayed inside with my daughter. But the grandmother came right out to great me and give me kissed. I smiled back, wanting to crawl somewhere deep into a cave!

Then came a puppet show. Dad’s ex had tickets and invited us. I could not refuse could I? This was a nice gesture on her part. I did not want to go and would have much preferred walking on hot coals than feel this awkwardness again but how could I say no. So we went. And it was just as awkward as I imagined. Was I making it worse? How could I change my attitude to make it better. I looked at Dad’s kid, who barely acknowledged our presence and wondered why we were there. He did not care about us. It did not help us bond. I seemed to only relieve Dad, who could keep the peace with everybody. So, I was doing it for him? I looked over at my daughter and felt my heart break. She would just stand there. Dad’s ex did talk to her, everybody was nice. But Dad’s son was playing with his actual brother. They are boys, they played boys games, nothing my daughter was used to.

Time passed by and we decided to try to move it together. As soon as my house (which was too small for all of us full time) sold, I started regretting my decision. It was so difficult ripping myself in two. One week I would feel blissful and happy with my man. We would have long conversations over wine while my daughter played by herself in her room and I felt I was neglecting her. The next week was a family type of weekend: movies, outings, fun suppers. We bought the house. We fought over little things all the time. Tension was building all the time. When we actually signed for the house I wanted to cry… of terror not joy. How could we do this. I did not even know how to be a couple with him… how could we be parents together? His ex-wife and her family was more present than I thought it would be. Phones calls for forgotten shoes, discussion of business. The day I moved out of my house… to go into storage, she called 4 times while he was sitting with me, waiting for the movers. And he had to leave me to go to his son’s baseball game… I was resenting her, him and his son. How could I resent a 9 year old. I could I? My parents were divorced. I hated that feeling of resentment from my dad’s girlfriends. How could I do that to a kid. What kind of a person was I?

We moved in, and I figured things would get better…they didn’t’ I try to get involved in the decoration of the child’s room. I figured it would help me feel closer to him. It didn’t. Then came all the little things. He had snacks before bedtime, I didn’t allow them. Dad insisted on clearing the plates, I didn’t see the point. Everything was an argument. There was baseball practice 3 times a week, the games etc. All these with his ex present. What would we be doing there? Dad’s child did not seem to care. My daughter was resenting all this energy placed on Dad’s son and started acting out, talking back. Dad started resenting my daughter. We were getting nowhere. Then the ex started joining in, the resentment… Booking things during our weekend, choosing the extracurricular activities without consulting us etc… I started to resent ex/mom. Dad did close the business and did realize that activities with me and my daughter were not possible but what about important moments in his son’s life? Did he have to choose between us? Son’s birthday was held at her house and although I tried talking to her, seeing what I could do to help out, I was not needed. I did not go to the birthday party. That may have been a mistake but I just felt so left out. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to have to kick and bite to have a place in my man’s life. Wasn’t he supposed to fight for my place and say: We want to be included… but he never did. He did not want the confrontation and so I started resenting him.

Everything became an imposition. We found out about an appointment the night before, about a game the day before…we cancelled plans, reorganized our lives. All that for Dad’s son. I felt resentment for everyone around. I watched my daughter, follow with her bad attitude and complain and wondered where it would end.

Then my brother told me about his wedding and how my dad was uncomfortable coming. Mostly because of a fight with me but also because of the divorce and my mom being there. Was that my future? Feeling left out of my man’s life? Spending Christmas apart… birthdays… how would this work.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t feel good about myself. I don’t want to feel resentment at my stepson. I don’t want to feel guilt for my daughter. I don’t want to feel both guilt and resentment towards my man. I’m not happy… will I ever be. We talk and talk me and my man but it never seems to end. We go through one crisis after another. And in the end, he will always do what is best for his son. How can I blame him… but can’t we find what’s best for his son, my daughter and for me? Why must we choose one person?

Does it get better. I’m I too impatient? Do I want too much? How do I keep the right balance of sacrifices and self-respect? How do I keep the love of my life… without losing myself completely…

Dear Reader,

Oh, honey! What you describe is an introduction to Stepfamily Life 101. My heart goes out to you and to your family. The good news is that you’re not alone. The dynamics happening in your home are classics. So what do you do about them? I’ve got a couple of ideas for you.

You and your man. There is a reason you’re feeling resentful of your stepson and the ex. I would say that your husband has not clearly marked a line in the sand in regards to his love and committment to you. It is tempting for all of us with children to put our kids before our spouses but this is a mistake. It is an even BIGGER mistake in a stepfamily. During conflict, stepfamilies tend to break down biological lines, which you described above. That means that when there is a fight, all the blood relatives gather together to face down those who are not blood. But in a stepfamily your relationship with your spouse is the weakest link. And it MUST be strengthened for your marriage to survive. If you felt that he supported you 100 percent, then you wouldn’t feel so insecure about the time he gives to his son or that he spends with the ex (more on that in a minute). If you felt secure in your relationship you would be less resentful, and more open to learning how to feel comfortable with the various extended stepfamily members. It is a mistake to think in terms of kids first, then marriage. You have to know he is committed to you and to the marriage and you both have to prove to each other that you’re in it for the long haul. Instead of thinking “kids OR us,” you both need to be thinking “Us AND the kids.” It’s a subtle distinction. But your marriage is in danger if you are continually feeling betrayed by your spouse. Committing to you does not mean that he’s not committing to his son.

2. The ex wife. It sounds like your husband has not set up clear boundaries with his ex wife. This is problematic on several fronts. First, he needs to make his committment to his current relationship if he wants to stay in it. Second, when boundaries are not clear between divorced parents, children get very confused. And this can be really painful for children and it makes accepting a stepparent difficult because they are holding out the hope that their parent’s will re-marry. Even though she is already remarried, I would bet that your stepson still thinks his parents could reunite. Look! They spend Christmas together! Look how they laugh and tease each other! This kind of camaraderie between exes can develop over time and kids can adjust to it just fine, but in the early days when your relationship is still on shaky ground, this can be detrimental to all involved. Your man should have a conversation with his son that goes something like this: “Honey, I know this might be confusing since your mother and I get along so well, but we just couldn’t be married. And we’re never going to be together in that way. We both love you so much. But I am with (YOUR NAME HERE) and I love her and I need you to be respectful of her because she’s an adult in this house.”

3. Your stepson. Let’s just assume for a moment that you’re a good person. Let’s say that you are hurting, and overwhelmed, and feeling betrayed and scared. Your resentment of the time your man gives to your stepson is understandable when you are coming from such a shaky place. It’s clear you don’t want to feel that way, so what do you do about it? Try to put yourself in his shoes. Really open your heart to what it must be like for him to live with you and his Dad and his Mom and Stepdad. Why does he cry at your house? What is making him so sad or scared or hurt? Be curious about his personality and what he is going through. How will this experience with you shape his entire life? Ten years from now what will he have learned from you? We are all human and doing the best we can with the cards we’ve been played. Forgive yourself.

4. Lighten up. Have some fun together! Positive experiences are the things that help new stepfamilies bond. So have some fun as a family and as a couple. Do something enjoyable with your daughter. Then take your stepson out just the two of you. Laughter has tremendous healing power.

Hello -

I am at such a loss of what to do. I am a kind and caring person, when I remarried 6 years ago my world turned upside down. I am automatically the wicked witch of the west and nothing I do is right. I have never in my life been treated so poorly by other human beings AND they get away with it.

A little history, we have 9 kids between us. Husband has 5 and I have 4. He raised 3 of his kids, living with his parents. His ex-wife raised 2 kids, took them back to Iowa, remarried. End of that story. The two girls that lived with her basically hated it because they missed out on everything, plus they lived in an attic. The first year I married him we spent the whole year trying to get custody of the two girls, 24/7 that is all he was about.We did not get them, $10,000 later. I took my 3 kids out of their safe environment moved in with him and his two kids, what a nightmare. My kids and I were treated poorly by two spoiled brat girls.

Fast forward. Oldest daughter of my husband gets married, I am asked to handle EVERYTHING. From altering the wedding dress, making bridesmaid dresses, reception, food,etc. Had two months to plan it. Her mom pays $300 towards the wedding dress then writes a note to my husband that she cannot do any more than that.

Everything was planned around the mother, her comfort was the most important, the whole reception was moved to another town because she did not want it have it where the girls live, it made her feel awkward. So breaking my back I did everything I could in the time frame I had. Of course the mother comes and she is all that. I think my husband and I were in about 5 pictures, which we paid for and still to this day have not seen. Totally ignored by the daughters that day. My husband and I sit on the grooms side at the very end of the table because there is no room by the bride. My husband, my daughters and my husband were the only ones that stayed to help clean up.

Doing the wedding did not change anything about my relationship with his daughter, she still does not give me the time of day.I feel like any time doing anything for his children is a wasted effort and takes time away from my children. We just have my 13 year old at home now with us. Two of my children moved out months earlier than they should of because of poor treatment.

Fast forward again. Second oldest daughter is engaged a week ago. Wedding in two months. I am asked again by the daughter to do the wedding. Her mom calls the newly engaged daughter, I cannot do anything to help she tells her. Bypasses the dad because he called her and asked what could she do to help. But she will show up again and be all that.

So I am sitting here, how did I get to do this again? The grandmother mentions, why is her name even on the announcement, she never does anything. So I mention it to my husband, proper ettiquete is those who contribute, their names are on the announcement. The mothers name should not be on the announcement. So word gets to the daughter, I won’t do the wedding unless the mothers name is not on the announcement. Wow, I am the bad guy already and it hasn’t even started.

Important part of all this, my husband has been unemployed, just got a job a week ago, we have been on assistance from our church. We don’t even have enough money to pay our own bills. Christmas is coming…I am so overwhelmed at this time.

Another important point is that I have been in therapy for a few years off and on because of a lot of issues being remarried, being treated poorly and I have discussed the issue about the wedding and he says not to put myself in that position again. My husband says, it will make me look better than the mother. Who cares? I feel used and abused again, it is expected of me to do this and just let it be that. I can’t enjoy the holidays and just knowing that I have to be doing all this during the holidays makes me sick to my stomach. It doesn’t seem fair, and I do realize, being a stepmom, nothing is fair but knowing that I will do everything again and have the mom prance in like she did everything makes me very angry.

Help??? Any advice for a stubborn, abused stepmom?

Dear Stubborn, Abused Stepmom:

Before I write a word I want you to close the door to the room you’re in so you’re all alone. Once you’ve done that I want you to sit in a chair with your feet flat on the ground and your arms in a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Then take five deep breaths all the way down into your abdomen. Seriously. Do it right now. Here’s a message to all of us stepmoms: STRESS CAN KILL YOU. It is impossible to think clearly and creatively when your body is in a flight or fight response. So take a walk, calm your body, quiet your mind.

Now. Here are my thoughts.

1. Start with what’s working. You are still with your husband. Why? What are your family’s strengths? What really works well between you and your husband? I ask you this question first on purpose. Research by pioneers including John Gottman and Barbara Frederickson has shown that if you have more positive emotions in your life you are FAR more resilient, creative, and energized to get through tough times. So what is going right at this time? What are you grateful for even in the middle of this painful period of your life?

2. Connect with your husband. Do everything in your power to get some alone time with your spouse. Before you share your feelings about the wedding, talk about a memory you both have that was really fun for both of you and made you both feel loved by the other. Then share with him how hard this wedding is for you. Share your hurt feelings and anger with him. Tell him that you are struggling to let go of the anger you have at his children because your feelings are hurt. Use the all-important “I” language. Tell him what you told me, that you don’t know if you can go through this again. Ask him what the first wedding was like for him. Be curious and open to his experience and opinions. Brainstorm TOGETHER ways to handle this second wedding so that you turn toward each other instead of away. Be a team.

3. Stop the rumination. You were hurt at your first stepdaughter’s wedding by her and the rest of the family’s treatment of you. (Understandably.) But this one event has fueled your memories of pain from past events as well and they have built on each other. So, I want you to try to let go of rumination, which is when we think about a painful thing over and over again until it builds and builds until it sucks you down into a spiral of negativity that is very hard to recover from. Focus on the upcoming wedding. That is the issue at hand.

4. Set up boundaries. You were hurt before. You don’t want to be hurt again. This makes sense. Your human! And stepmothers have it especially hard at weddings. If you are too hurt and angry to participate, then explain to your stepdaughter that you want to help her but you also don’t want to be hurt again. Before you have this conversation make sure you know what you would feel good doing for her and what you will not do. It’s perfectly okay to protect yourself.

5. Look at it from her point of view. Weddings are tough on everyone. Stepkids are usually stuck in the middle of some really tough situations on a day that is supposed to be on of the most special in their lives. They’ve got to worry about Stepmom, Stepdad, Mom, Dad, siblings, half-siblings, the groom’s family, and the extended families too! It’s enough to make a girl want to elope. Cultivate your compassion for her, even though she’s hurt you in the past.

6. Forgive. The anger you are carrying around in your heart is real and understandable. But research shows that anger is a killer. It does terrible things to our bodies and our mental health. It is in your best interest to practice forgiveness. Every time an angry thought comes up say to yourself, “I forgive you.” If you believe in God or a higher power, then every time an angry thought comes up say, “I forgive you and I wish the best for you. May God be with you.” Do it over and over again and eventually by choosing to let go of the anger with intention, you will feel so much better.

7. Be kind to you. Don’t wait on other people to praise you or thank you for all your efforts. That’s victim thinking. Instead, give yourself the comforting and pats on the back you need! Find ways to expand your self-confidence and self-love by spending time doing things you enjoy.

Loving Your Wife as Christ Loves the Church is the latest release from Larry McCall (Walking Like Jesus Did).  He not only is an author but conference & leadership seminar speaker, and the Pastor for Preaching and Teaching at Christ’s Covenant Church which is just a short drive from where I live.  Published by BMH Books, a local publishing house, Loving Your Wife was a book I was immediately interested in reading and reviewing.

Loving Your Wife takes Ephesians 5:25 and unpacks it in such a way that men come to know a full understanding of Paul’s exhortation.  McCall challenges husbands to love their wives in very practical terms, and his pastor’s heart comes out at the end of every chapter as he provides questions to consider and action steps to apply.  His appendices further this practicality as he offers insight for men who may be married to an unconverted wife, living in a difficult marriage or those who might want to begin an accountability group.

Loving Your Wife was easy to read and yet challenged my thinking concerning my own marriage.  I found myself reflecting, and wincing from time to time, as I finished each chapter.  I enjoyed the manner in which Larry McCall probed nuances of the biblical text, and in the process stayed true to it’s intended meaning.  I envision this book being used by men’s groups, young married classes, as a counseling resource and other varied ways in & out of the church.

Recommended; 200 pp, soft-cover.

You can find Loving Your Wife at the BMH website, Amazon, and Christianbook.com.

¹³These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life.

(1 John 5:13 NASB )

Salvation: What is it?

DEFINITION AND NECESSITY OF SALVATION

sal•va•tion   (sal vâ/shen), n. [ME. salvacioun; OFr. sauvation; L. salvatio < salvatus, pp. of salvare, to save], 1. a saving or being saved; preservation from destruction; rescue. 2. a person or thing which is a means, cause, or source of preservation or rescue. 3. in theology, spiritual rescue from sin and death; saving of the soul through the atonement of Jesus; redemption.

In Christian doctrine, salvation is a rescue or deliverance of humanity from a specific condition and from a specific destination. Salvation presumes that there is a danger, jeopardy, peril or life threatening hazard from which rescue must be accomplished on an imminent basis.

The CONDITION from which humanity must be rescued:

1. Separation from the God of humanity.
2. Such separation from God occasioned by the sinful actions of all humanity (by disobeying and ignoring the commands of God).

The DESTINATION from which humanity must be rescued:

1. The sinful human actions necessitate that God pronounce a judgment on all humanity as a punishment for those actions taken.
2. Such punishment being separation from God and assignment in company with Satan and all his followers in the region of Hell.
3. Such assignment to be eternal in nature never to be reconsidered, changed or revoked.

REPENTANCE AND CONFESSION OF SIN

All sin is an affront to God — regardless of how it was committed or against whom — and is at its root total rebellion against God and is ultimately a sin committed against God. As a consequence, repentance and confession of offenses committed are required by God and are necessary so that the full significance and gravity regarding the serious nature of the offense(s) can be understood. Repentance is not simply saying, “I’m sorry,” because words come very cheap.

Repentance means to turn around; it implies a reversal of course or of action. True repentance demands actions indicating that the person has turned in the opposite direction from the sins committed.

³⁰ “Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, each according to his conduct,” declares the Lord GOD. “Repent and turn away from all your transgressions, so that iniquity may not become a stumbling block to you.

³¹ “Cast away from you all your transgressions which you have committed and make yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! For why will you die, O house of Israel?

³² “For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies,” declares the Lord GOD. “Therefore, repent and live.”

(Ezekiel 18:30-32 NASB)

⁷ But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming for baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers, who warned you to flee from the wrath to come?

⁸ “Therefore bear fruit in keeping with repentance;

⁹ and do not suppose that you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham for our father’; for I say to you that from these stones God is able to raise up children to Abraham.

(Matthew 3:7-9 NASB)

Repentance also carries with it a condition of true remorse and regret, not just because of the consequences of the sin, but because it was committed against God. This expression of remorse reaches to the core of a person’s being.

¹⁰ For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.

¹¹ For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter.

(2 Corinthians 7:10-11 NASB)

Repentance involves an act of obedience and an agreement with God regarding the necessity of Repentance. It involves a response from the innermost being of a person, a sorrow that involves regret for the commission of the sin itself — not just the negative results of that sin. It involves an action that signifies the validity and truthfulness of God’s Word. Therefore, Repentance is a total rejection of the sin committed.

¹³ He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.  

(Proverbs 28:13 NASB)

³ When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away Through my groaning all day long.
⁴ For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. Selah.
⁵ I acknowledged my sin to You, And my iniquity I did not hide; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD;” And You forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah.

(Psalm 32:3-5 NASB)

On what basis are Confession and Repentance made? How do these elements bring a person closer to appropriation of the benefits inherent in the Atonement?

The benefits are appropriated through the gift of Faith that is given from God. It is repentance that brings the person to a position of submission to God and a realization that separation from God is a reality and that reconciliation is not possible through human effort.

It is through repentance that a person understands that only by pleading to the grace of God can a standing before God be obtained.

Repentance is the preparation that leads to faith and the resultant application of the benefits provided through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Faith involves a knowledge of the claims of Jesus Christ Who is the object; an agreement as to the validity of those claims; and an appropriation of those claims into the life of the person.

• Regardless of nationality, position or condition, sinners are called to repentance (Acts 5:31; 20:21; 26:20; Matthew 9:13; Luke 15:17,19; 24:47; II Peter 3:9).
• Saving repentance is the sinner’s forsaking of his own ways and his full surrender to Christ’s lordship over his life.
• Saving repentance forsakes pride and acknowledges a need for Christ’s lordship in his life.
• Repentance is not something the sinner must do to win God’s compassion. It is no prolonged agony of soul, but a repentance to the acknowledging of the Truth (II Timothy 2:24- 25).
• Repentance ushers in pardon for the sinner; it makes way for God’s pardoning grace (Acts 5:31).
• When David was humbled and broken because of his sin, Nathan said, “The Lord hath put away thy sin” (II Samuel 12:13). Pardon is the richest of blessings for the repentant, believing sinner.

THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD IN SALVATION

God is absolutely sovereign in salvation. We do not deserve salvation and can do nothing to earn our salvation. It is by His grace. Grace is unmerited favor. Our salvation is established by God’s election of sinners to salvation through Christ. Scripture teaches that Jesus Christ is the sole and sufficient Savior and that salvation comes only on the basis of His blood Atonement. The Bible teaches a dual eternal destiny – the redeemed to Heaven, the unredeemed to Hell.

To summarize: Salvation is not a result of the will of man. It is not a result of the merit of man. It is not a result of some religious sacrifice on man’s part. It is not a result of the love of man. It is not a result of the good intentions of man. It is not a result of the purpose of man. And it is not to the praise and glory of man. Every aspect of salvation is born out of the purpose and the will and the plan of God that when it is accomplished it may be solely and only to the praise and the glory of God. God has saved us in order that He might be glorified — therefore all in our salvation belongs to His credit.

⁸For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;

⁹not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.

(Ephesians 2:8-9 NASB)

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Before you can speak peace to your troubled heart and hurting Marriage, you must not only be convinced of your actual and original sin, the sins of your own unrighteousness, the sin of unbelief, but you must be enabled to lay hold upon the Perfect Righteousness, the all-sufficient Righteousness, of the Lord Jesus Christ; you must lay hold by faith on the Righteousness of Jesus Christ, and then you shall have peace.

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A faith which refuses to obey the commands of the Savior is a mere pretence and will never save the soul.

–Charles Spurgeon

If the one who professes Christ as Savior and Lord in his life has no desire for holiness and the things of God, it is doubtful that he is saved.

–Celia 

Some things need only to be believed before they can be seen. 

–Celia

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Amen

 (Some material from this particular post is taken directly from http://www.ondoctrine.com/)

© 2009 Celia Ann. All rights reserved by Celia Ann and The Ephesian Marriage unless otherwise stated. All other symbols are the trademark of their respective owners.

¹² Say now to the rebellious house, Do you not know and realize what these things mean? Tell them, Behold, the king of Babylon came to Jerusalem and took its king [Jehoiachin] and its princes and brought them with him to Babylon.

¹³ And he took one of the royal family [the king's uncle, Zedekiah] and made a covenant with him, putting him under oath. He also took the mighty and chief men of the land,

¹⁴ That the kingdom might become low and base and be unable to lift itself up, but that by keeping his [Nebuchadnezzar's] covenant it might stand.

¹⁵ But he [Zedekiah] rebelled against him [Nebuchadnezzar] in sending his ambassadors into Egypt, that they might give him horses and much people. Will he prosper? Will he escape who does such things? Can he break the covenant with [Babylon] and yet escape?

¹⁶ As I live, says the Lord God, surely in the place where the king [Nebuchadnezzar] dwells who made [Zedekiah as vassal] king, whose oath [Zedekiah] despised and whose covenant he broke, even with him in the midst of Babylon shall [Zedekiah] die.

¹⁷ Neither shall Pharaoh with his mighty army and great company help him in the war when the [Babylonians] cast up mounds and build forts to destroy many lives.

¹⁸ For [Zedekiah] despised the oath and broke the covenant and behold, he had given his hand, and yet has done all these things; he shall not escape.

¹⁹ Therefore thus says the Lord God: As I live, surely My oath [made for Me by Nebuchadnezzar] that [Zedekiah] has despised and My covenant with him that he has broken, I will even bring down on his own head.

²⁰ And I will spread My net over him, and he shall be taken in My snare; and I will bring him to Babylon and will enter into judgment and punishment with him there for his trespass and treason that he has committed against Me.

(Ezekiel 17:12-20 AMP; all italics are mine)

Background

Before I get into the above Scriptures for this writing I want to backtrack to II Kings 24 for a little history. This is not an exhaustive teaching but rather a parallel – one that will allow you see a glimpse of a Covenant relationship.

Jehoiachin became King of Jerusalem when his father died and he did evil in the sight of God. As a result, God’s punishment came upon the land and the pagan king of Babylon — King Nebuchadnezzar – besieged Jerusalem. Nebuchadnezzar took all the chiefest of people captivity and left only the poorest of the land. In so doing, he made Jehoiachin’s uncle (Mattaniah) King in his stead and changed his name to Zedekiah. In making Zedekiah vassal king over all Judah, a Covenant was established between a King of the House of Judah and a pagan king of Babylon. Zedekiah reigned eleven years before his rebellion against the king of Babylon.

Fast Forward

Read the Scriptures above from Ezekiel again. It’s clear that the King and his family from the House of Judah were taken captive by a pagan king. The pagan king takes all the royals and leaves all the peasants and poor and gives them a vassal king to rule over them in exchange for peace and prosperity. Why did Nebuchadnezzar leave the poorest behind? So they couldn’t rise up against him. Judah had no power and no mighty men of valor. They were hostages held to keep the covenant. However, Zedekiah later sends for help from the Egyptian Pharaoh asking for “horses and much people” that he may rebel against Nebuchadnezzar. Clearly, Zedekiah had in mind to get out of the Covenant relationship with the pagan king. Through his treachery he exposed his own people to death.

At first glance, one wonders what would could possibly be wrong with a King from the captive House of Judah rebelling against a pagan king who had besieged them. Verse 12 clearly calls Jerusalem (Judah) a rebellious house! But why? Because Zedekiah “despised the oath and broke the Covenant” that he had given his hand to. He gave his hand to ratify the Covenant between them and swear his obedience and subjection. Because of his treachery, God says he shall not escape.

There’s more…

King Zedekiah, though wicked, represented the House of Judah. Judah, though rebellious, still belonged to God. Nebuchadnezzar, a pagan king, knew not God in his heart. The captivity of Jerusalem was punishment sent from God for their wicked idolatry – but even in their wicked state, God was merciful by allowing them peace under their captor. But this only so long as the Covenant remained in effect between the two kings.

Again the question begs to be answered. What could possibly be so wrong with the captive king wanting to be freed from the Vow he had made with his captor? The real answer is because the Vow – though seemingly made between two people – was made between God and the pagan king. God considered it HIS covenant Vow because the oath was made by one who represented HIM. Zedekiah perjured Himself and he perjured the God of his people. By virtue of that fact alone, God was forced to avenge HIS Holy and Righteous Name though it be upon His own people.

Don’t you find it interesting that the pagan king kept his side of the Covenant and God’s people despised it?

God does not break His covenants…

A Despised Vow

So what’s the relation between two kings — the King of the House of Judah and a pagan king — and a Covenant Marriage ending in divorce?

A Covenant Vow despised…

In the Old Testament, a Covenant Vow was made in full effect by the severing in half of a heifer, goat or a ram. The two halves were laid side by side and those who were making the Vow walked between the two pieces formally sanctioning the oath in full.

⁹ So the LORD said to him, “Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.”

¹⁰ Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half.

¹⁷ When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces.

¹⁸ On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram and said, “To your descendants I give this land. . . . .

(Genesis 15:9-10; 17-18 NIV)

Zedekiah and Nebuchadnezzar made a Covenant Vow between a man and a man. In this Covenant, a solemn oath or Vow was made involving not just the two men but also two nations under the men (kings). Each party bound himself to fulfill certain conditions and in so doing, Zedekiah’s people were assured of receiving certain advantages – i.e., being allowed to remain as a nation and continue to profit under the dominion of Nebuchadnezzar.

In making this Covenant, God was solemnly invoked as a witness and an oath was sworn. Selah… (pause and think about that…)

Again, because God’s people were involved and Zedekiah (though doing wicked before God) represented God in taking this Vow. It was ratified by the giving of his hand in making it. It is sacred, binding and lifelong unto death. Simply stated, it is binding on not only those who take this oath and make this Vow, but it is also binding on the One Who was represented – God.

For Zedekiah’s rebellion against this Vow by seeking the army’s of Egypt, God said he would certainly die by the sword in Babylon.

To Vow a Vow

²¹ When you make a vow to the Lord your God, you shall not be slack in paying it, for the Lord your God will surely require it of you, and slackness would be sin in you.

²² But if you refrain from vowing, it will not be sin in you.

²³ The vow which has passed your lips you shall be watchful to perform, a voluntary offering which you have made to the Lord your God, which you have promised with your mouth.

(Deuteronomy 23:21-23 AMP)

A Marriage “compact” is called a Covenant of God because the Marriage was made in God’s Holy Name. It has the same principles and characteristics as the Covenant between a man and a man – as in the two kings. Heavy thought when you think that there IS a consequence to our rebellion. We may not be sent to die in the midst of a pagan nation, but we who ignore the Vows we make and seek to break them do pay a price… God is a Righteous God. He is Faithful and True to His Word. He will not allow disobedience to it to go unpunished.

How many Marriages start off as a Covenant Vow between a pagan and a Christian? Does God consider that Marriage null, dead, void and of no substance because of the presence of a pagan within the confines of the Vow? Quite the contrary. We’ve quickly established that a Covenant Vow existed between a pagan king and a king, who while he did evil in the sight of God, represented God. So then a Covenant Vow between two people, a pagan and a Christian, who speak a Vow with their own lips invoking the Name of God are making that Covenant Vow with God. It is now His Covenant – no matter who the parties are. God is the unseen Witness.

¹⁴ Yet you ask, Why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows].

(Malachi 2:14 AMP)

The Vows we spoke to one another on the day we Married, we spoke voluntarily. The Vow which has passed our lips was a voluntary offering which we have made to the Lord our God which we have promised with our own mouth. (see vs 23 above) We have given our words and our hand as Zedekiah did to fully approve the spoken Vow. Are we any less guilty than Zedekiah? Shall we escape our treason? Being the created, who are we to be slack in paying our Vow that we vowed to one another; or forget that what we really did was make a Vow to God and with God — and then turn and renege? We may think we are merely divorcing ourselves from an insufferable Spouse (Covenant Mate) for a reason that we and the world would call “justifiable,” but we are not only reneging on our Vows to each other — what we’re really doing is reneging on our Vow to God! Surely He will require it of us… Selah…

The Faithfulness of A Vow of God

⁹ If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action].

(1 John 1:9 AMP)

If we can look past our circumstances at current – and realize that our enemy is not our Covenant Spouse but the powers and principalities of darkness that have taken our Spouse (or even us) captive to do the will of darkness – and continue to realize even further that it is GOD Who gives us the strength and ability to do HIS Will and walk in the Light of HIS Love, Mercy and Grace, that same Love, Mercy and Grace He bestowed on us through a Covenant He made in His own Blood, would we be so quick to walk?

I thank my God that when I walked out the door on my Covenant Vow that my God didn’t walk out on me… I thank my God that He is a God of faithfulness even when I am not. I thank my God that He loves me enough to leave the other 99 sheep in the pasture and come looking for this one wayward sheep of His to bring her back home to Him. He IS faithful and just – true to His own promises – to forgive me, bringing me to a godly sorrow that leads to repentance. True repentance always turns you around and brings you back home.

God’s faithfulness to His Covenant and His desire to save were so great that He would revive His people once more, shepherd them with a compassion beyond any comprehension, cleanse them of all their defilement and filth, reconstitute and reconcile them as a perfect expression of His kingdom, overwhelming all the forces and powers arrayed against them, displaying His glory among the nations and restore the glory of His presence to the holy city.

We are the temple of the living God! Would He do no less for us?

For the one who stands in the gap for the restoration of their Marriage – whether separated, on the verge of divorce or already divorced – we will come to know that this isn’t about us and what we want. It’s about a right relationship with the living God. It’s about a Covenant Vow that each of us made when we made Him Lord of our own life.

If we think we can walk out on that Covenant relationship to walk after our own devices, surely He will require it of us….

Surely He has.

Selah…

Amen

© 2009 Celia Ann. All rights reserved by Celia Ann and The Ephesian Marriage unless otherwise stated. All other symbols are the trademark of their respective owners.

What are your thoughts on divorce and remarriage? What do you think the bible teaches on these issues? I recently scanned William J. Webb’s book Slaves, Women & Homosexuals in which he discusses a redemptive hermeneutic. In short, he points out that the revelation of God in the Scripture was progressive when it comes to dealing with the abuses of slaves and women in comparison to the then current societies and cultures. He handles homosexuality differently. Briefly, he seems to suggest that Scripture is timelessly consistent in its condemnation of homosexuality. The conclusion begs the question, “Do we continue this progressive, redemptive hermeneutic, or did the Scripture take it as far as it needed to go?” I would like ask whether we could place divorce and remarriage in such a discussion?

Is the Scripture progressive or timelessly consistent?

Divorce and remarriage are commonplace in the Church today. Does such a redemptive hermeneutic apply to these marital issues or is the Scripture timelessly consistent in its stance on divorce and remarriage? These are not easy issues to wrestle with…while you may find that you are skilled at throwing intellectual punches in the blogosphere; one only needs to sit across a family member or friend who has been divorced and remarried – and is a believer mind you – in order to hesitate in your position.

This post came to my mind while I was doing some work in the Apostolic Fathers. Read what is written here in The Shepherd of Hermas, and happy blogging! I look forward to our discussion:

Shep. 29:1 ¶ {Mandate 4.1.1} “I command you,” he said, “to guard purity, and let no thought enter your heart about another man’s wife or about fornication, or about some such similar evil thing, for in doing this you commit a major sin. But always keep your mind on your own wife and you will never go wrong.
Shep. 29:2 For if this desire enters your heart, you will go wrong, and if others things as evil as this enter, you commit sin. For this desire in a servant of God is a major sin, and if anyone does this evil deed, he brings death on himself.
Shep. 29:3 So beware; have nothing to do with this desire; for where holiness lives, there lawlessness ought not to enter the heart of a righteous man.”
Shep. 29:4 I said to him, “Sir, allow me to ask you a few more questions.” “Speak,” he replied. “Sir,” I said, “if a man has a wife who believes in the Lord, and he finds her in some adulterous situation, does the man sin if he continues to live with her?”
Shep. 29:5 “As long as he is unaware of it,” he said, “he does not sin. But if the husband knows about her sin and the wife does not repent, but persists in her immorality, and the husband continues to live with her, he becomes responsible for her sin and an accomplice in her adultery.”
Shep. 29:6 “So what, sir,” I said, “should the husband do, if the wife persists in this passion?” “Let him divorce her,” he said, “and let the husband live by himself. But if after divorcing his wife he should marry another, then he too commits adultery.”
Shep. 29:7 “So then, sir,” I said, “if, after the wife is divorced, she repents and wants to return to her own husband, she will be taken back, won’t she?”
Shep. 29:8 “Certainly,” he said. “If the husband does not take her back, he sins, and brings a major sin upon himself. In fact, the one who has sinned and repented must be taken back. But not repeatedly: for there is only one repentance for God’s servants. So, because of the possibility of her repentance, the husband ought not to marry. This procedure applies to wife and husband.

Listen to the new episode of my free Stepmom Circles Podcast. I interview Joel Schwartzberg, the author of The 40-Year Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad. We discuss divorced dads, fatherhood, and adding a stepmom. This guy has it right, ladies. He knows how to set his wife up for success with his kids! Check it out. And if you want to discuss today’s show join the Stepmom Circles group on FaceBook or comment here.

Dear Jacque, I just finished reading your book and I thought maybe you could help me with a couple of things. I am on the path to becoming a stepmom – I found my soul mate and we live together. He is divorced and has joint custody of his fifteen year old son and unfortunately no contact with his 19-year-old daughter. We are not yet engaged, but we do plan to marry. I am trying not to guess when he will propose! Our relationship with his son has its ups and downs, it is going well now but we know there will be challenges in the future and we are prepared to do our best to keep communication with him free and safe.

His daughter is also an issue but we try to be as positive as we can about it. They were very close for most of her life – only after she met me did she divorce herself from her dad. She says that she won’t talk to him “as long as he is with that woman.”  She ‘allowed’ him to come to her birthday dinner, but only upon the condition that I not attend. He sends her messages occasionally that he still loves her and that he misses having her in his life, but there is not yet progress. Eventually, but the wait is hard on him.

What I am looking for is help with your ‘Rule of 20.’ My situation is a little different from what I can find in advice books. I am career minded, though right now I feel as if my work is in creating our family so I don’t actually work. I am also half the age of my significant other, 24 to his 52. It works because he thinks he is 12. 

I think we are doing a good job with his son, and the best we can with his daughter, but do you know of anywhere that I can look to learn about being in a relationship with such a drastic age difference? Advice, stories, message boards, books – I have always thought that the more you know about something the more successful you are apt to be. I value the ideas in your book and I look forward to your reply.

Dear Reader,

I’m so glad you’re out there reading books about stepmotherhood and learning about how stepfamilies work. It will serve you well if you become a stepmother! You mentioned that your relationship with your stepson is good. I’m glad about that, although I have to warn you that often the day of a marriage marks a change in the behavior of a lot of stepchildren. So heads up!

Now for the hard part. I fear that you will never have a good relationship with your stepdaughter. If you were older, you would probably have difficulty with her as it is but the fact that you are not very much older than her makes you a peer in her mind and not an authority figure. That doesn’t bode well. You didn’t mention the relationship this girl has with her mother so I can’t say if those dynamics are influencing this but it sounds like she does not approve of you because you’re so young and might also feel that you are replacing her in her father’s affections.

Since there are 28 years between you and your boyfriend’s ages I suspect that this stepdaughter is extremely uncomfortable with your relationship with her father. Your language about her was very respectful, which is great, but I urge you to think about your own relationship with your dad. It’s a sacred relationship in some ways and so your job as a possible stepmother is to help her feel safe and not threatened by you. Saying things like, “Your father is your father and he will always love you and need you in his life,” can help even though she’s 19.

Dad can also reassure his daughter that he will always love her and be her dad no matter what. He can tell her that he loves you and that you will be a part of his life and he wants her to accept you.

Stepmotherhood is challenging and when there is such a drastic age difference between stepmom and dad, it can make things even more difficult. Most likely the children will never accept you as any kind of authority figure so it would be better for you to approach them as a friend. The best thing you can do is make sure that you and he have a strong foundation for your relationship–a lot in common, communication skills, and of course, fun times.

Ultimately, you also must consider this difficult question: If your boyfriend never reconciles with his daughter because of his relationship with you, how will that pain he feels about that affect your relationship? As we know remarriages have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages and many people say that they divorced due to issues around the kids.

One idea that might help is for dad to have an open discussion with his kids about their inheritance. It’s not a topic many people like to discuss but if he is completely open with them about how he plans to provide for them when he’s gone, it can help ease their relationships with you.

I hope this hasn’t been to much of a downer! I’m so glad you’re employing the Rule of 20. Now check out what your other 19 people say. Best of luck to you!