There was a time in my life where I used to sneak away to the mass of trees in my backyard that I nicknamed “the forest” and cut myself. I even had this little emptied out make-up case with a rectangle mirror that I would keep hidden inside an abandoned concrete pipe that was filled with little razors and sharp things with which to make a mark.

Some kids do graffiti, some kids try some kind of drug, I cut myself.

I didn’t particularly like doing it. The scratches and cuts would sting and hurt for days depending on where I would put them. I remember that one time, I cut myself on my ankle and it would burn every step i took. I hated it.

I would tell myself that it was the last time EVER and yet it never was. There was something in knowing you had control in some part of your life, even if it was just self-inflicted pain, that kept me comfortable inside when everything or anything around me was difficult. The best part about it was that no one would believe it if I was to tell them. No one ever saw the number 16 (in roman numerals) i had carved into my arm. It wasn’t deep, so I don’t even have a scar. But I can still see it if I look really carefully.

I wore long sleeves and sweaters all the time, ever since elementary, so it wasn’t weird that no one really saw my arms often.

There were no red flags.

My grades were still great/fine. My friends that knew were okay with it. My friends that didn’t know had no reason to suspect. Almost perfect.

Everything was fine, except that this boy. The one that I had the hugest crush on (and no chance) told me it was stupid one day. He didn’t know I did it, we were just talking about it in random passing conversation while I walked him to his car (something we used to do after Chemistry) and he said that it was stupid. I looked at him, surprised, as if he figured it all out, but he just said “no one should ever do that”.

And that was all it took for me to stop.

I don’t know which is more pathetic about all of it, though. The fact that I would cut myself to have control over something, or stopping because my crush said it was stupid.

Some time ago, I received a forward from someone. Alot of times I’d usually delete them because I figure it would be some nonsense… I’m glad I didn’t delete this one.

After reading it, I closed my eyes and a smile formed on my face… and lyrics came to mind. Not sure where I heard it, maybe on The Wood soundtrack… I dunno… It’s from Ahmad… Back in the Day… anyways, here’s the lyrics to the chorus…

…Back in the days when I was young I’m not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again
Back in the days when I was young I’m not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again
Back in the days…

Oh… and then I went on to think about Spike Lee’s joint… Crooklyn… Those kids didn’t have a care in the world except for those two junkies and the stinky ol’ man next door.  Man… What I would do to rewind the hands of time…

Close your eyes…And go back…

Before the Internet or PC or the MAC,

Before semi-automatics and crack,

Before Playstation, SEGA, and Super Nintendo,

Oh man, how about that Atari?

Before cell phones, CD’s, DVD’s, voicemail and e-mail,

Way back.

Way, way, way back…

I’m talkin’ bout hide and seek at dusk.

Red light/Green light, Mother May I, Hop Scotch,
Playing kickball & dodgeball until the first… no, second… no, third streetlight came on.
Ring around the Rosie

London Bridge

Hot potato

Jump rope

Duck, duck, goose… You’re it!

Parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home – no pagers or cell phones.

Hula Hoops

Seeing shapes in the clouds

Endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows
open,

The sound of crickets

Running through the sprinkler,

Happy Meals… especially McDonald’s Halloween pails,

Cereal boxes with the prize at the bottom that made you fight anyone who got it before you did,

Cracker jacks… with prizes that made sense,
Ice pops with TWO sticks you could break and share with a friend.

How about Saturday morning cartoons? Fat Albert… The Smurfs… He Man…

And Sunday morning oldies… Ahh… Three Stooges.

Wonder Woman and Super Man Underoos

Fonzie off of Happy Days,

Playing Dukes of Hazzard,

Catchin’ lightning bugs in a jar,

Christmas morning,

Your first day of school,

Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses

Walking through the woods,

Climbing trees,

Swinging as high as you could ’cause you knew you could reach the sky,

Gettin’ ice cream off the Good Humor truck,

A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers

Jumpin’ down the steps,

Jumpin’ on the bed,

Pillow fights,

Sleep-overs,

A 13″ black and white TV in your room meant you were rich!

Runnin’ for fun and not from the cops, till you were out of breath,

Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt,

Being tired from actually playing.

WORK: meant taking out the garbage or doing the dishes
Your first crush,

Your first kiss (the one where you kept your mouth closed AND your eyes open)

Rainy days at school meant playing “Heads Up, 7UP, or hangman” in the classroom,

Remember that?

Oh, I’m not finished yet….

Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer and even better when you went to the Icee Lady to get an Icee Cup,

Another drink of the summer was a swig from the waterhose,

Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars and not from a stolen car,

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school and headed to the bathroom to clean off the scuff mark you got on them.

Class field trips and soggy sandwiches,

When almost everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there from school,

When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance; and another quarter was a MIRACLE

When ANY parent could discipline ANY kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries…And nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it,

When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn’t because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of em!

Didn’t that feel good? Just to go back and say, “Yeah, I remember that!”

Well, let’s keep going!

Let’s go back to the time when…

Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo”

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”

“Race issues” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “monopoly”

Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.

Being old, referred to anyone over 20!

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed by mom or grandma and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at the amusement park.

Eight tracks and record players was the thing!

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare”

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon.

Older siblings were your worst tormentors, but also your fiercest protector.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!

This is definitely for those of us who need a break from our grown-up lives…

Go ahead and add to the list… What was something you remembered from back in the day?

Vee

About two days ago was my official graduation.

I’ve graduated like months ago really, but it was official with the diploma etc. on Friday. I didn’t really care about getting the diploma or anything or even meeting my friends, which was something I was looking forward to. What struck me after all the formalities and hello’s and the rest was some weirdly deep rooted feeling. It was a feeling described best as, I “grew” up; again. Of course rather than physically, mentally I did.

The feeling told me that my future is still coming, and that I still have to strive for it. From now, it only gets harder and it will never get easier. My friends will no longer always be by my side, my family won’t be either; this time it’s all me and it’s only going to be me. Either I am prepared to face my future or I am fated to fall six feet below the surface.

It was a very happy moment for me in my life. It hasn’t been the first graduation in my time, but it has been the first of many, that I’ve ever felt a sort of sadness and ability to face challenges with courage. It is still something I am reminiscing about. Still trying to understand the feeling more than I can and describe it words. It might just be something only that I know; a feeling that only an individual can know and the rest of the world is oblivious to it.

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]]> http://irwingd.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/get-up-and-move-on-3-tips-to-not-be-a-boring-douche/ Tue, 10 Jun 2008 09:47:55 +0000 irwingd http://irwingd.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/get-up-and-move-on-3-tips-to-not-be-a-boring-douche/

A friend of mine when recently in a reminiscent mood about our college days quipped “Oh what we wouldn`t give to get those days back”.This got me thinking,If he had to reminisce about his childhood days would he then think “Oh what i wouldn`t give to wear diapers again”.

Now don`t get me wrong,I don`t enjoy making fun of people who are in love with the past (well not atleast I`ve had my morning coffee at any rate),but this kind of statement just says that you can`t handle life and find it too hard.Boo Hoo life is tough and nobody wants to listen to me,waa waa waah,Grow up! I had fun in college but I grew up and moved on,got a job and still have the same amount fun I used to have in college with the added advantage of having earned a salary and living on my own.So if you find yourself thinking back about the good old days when people wiped the poop of your backside (acceptable between the ages of 1 and 70 only if you happen to be royalty) then the list i wrote is meant for you and is pretty spiffily titled:

3 Most Deepak Chopraesque Tips to moving on and not being a 20 year old infant

1. Things were not better in college/school/your old company: There is a reason its called the past,its gone,sure it was fun while it lasted but move on,you hated your 3rd grade teacher cause she beat you on the knuckles,you thought college was a waste of time cause it didn`t challenge or interest you enough and you hated your previous company cause they didn`t pay you enough and made you work too much
2. Your Ex was not better than your current partner:A difficult one but there is a reason your Ex is your Ex,if the two of you were so perfect for each other she/he wouldn`t be your ex
3. Things were not cheaper/people were not a lot more polite/buses and trains were not less crowded/children were not a not more well behaved :This one goes out to all my relatives over the age of 50.I bet you guys were bored out of your skulls when you heard this from your Uncles and Aunties when you`ll were my age,so kindly refrain from informing me about these “facts” when i meet you.

So If I happen to meet you and hear you whine about how things were so much better in the past you better hope that the stars are not aligned just right and i don`t have too much of Rum and Coke in me or i will beat you on the head with a printout of this post!