It’s one of those nights where I can’t sleep because I’m so restless from want of something to do or someone to hang out with.

I need a girlfriend.

But I need to fix some shit before that happens. Like my lack of a job and the fact that I live at home.

But in the mean time I go crazy.

Jesus: It’d be awesome if you sent me a girlfriend I could have a long-term relationship with that would be worth my time (and vice versa). Just so you know. Christmas is coming up and everything, so… Yeah… You know. It’d make a great stocking stuffer or something.

I used that title only because a friend of mine posted a YouTube video of Alice In Chain’s song of the same title, and that’s what I’m listening to as I begin this. Alice In Chains has been playing consistently with me lately. It’s in my car, it’s the first song on one of my website’s playlist, it’s one of the first bands in my iTunes list. The band is prominent with me right now.

But this is where I would prefer to be at the moment: In my ‘comfy clothes,’ lounging at the patio table in our backyard, covered up under a blanket, with my smokes and a cup of either coffee or hot chocolate, writing something or researching something. Just a relaxing, not-a-care-in-the-world moment of contemplation in some form or another. This is not going to be a depressing blog. This is going to be a ‘it is what it is’ kinda blog. One of those times when you realize that nothing in your world is perfect, and while that is the perfectly understood norm for everyone, it still carries a certain burdensome weight.

On that, I’m going to step outside and have a quick smoke, and try to think of my next move here.

It’s within a Scorpio’s ways to be secretive. It’s a protection mechanism, I suppose, on several levels. So in this, my thoughts will likely be very vague. I’ve just got an ‘empty’ feeling inside again. A restless feeling.

It’s not always possible to see what the future holds, but when you do get a glimpse of it, you are given a choice between whether or not you want to change that outcome or if you want to flow with it and instead plan for your survival after it comes to fruition. I’m walking a fine line, slipping off on this side, getting back on steady, and then slipping off on the other side. I’ll be doing this for awhile. My goal is to provide myself cushioning underneath so that if I do have a bad fall, it won’t hurt quite so much. I’ll be able to become steady again soon enough.

It’s kind of a difficult thing to do, to walk around functioning in such an unsteady and uncertain way. It’s distracting. It’s a mood killer. It makes for a heavy, muddy feeling. Am I getting depressing? Eh, it is what it is.

I’m hoping to start college again next year. I miss being in school. I’d like to take at least two classes by the summer semester. Psychology is what I’d like to pursue. I’m not sure exactly in what field or capacity, but I feel like with my nature, it would be a natural fit for me. But first, it’s a matter of getting student loans caught up and then being eligible for financial aid. Not a lot I can do anything with right now, so I bide my time with that as well.

I seem to be ‘biding my time’ with a lot of things. I can’t say that things are bad right now. They’re not. But it’s just this uncertainty of getting things going in certain directions that is the all-consuming feeling of being in a hole for the moment. Everything is good. But stagnant. It’s a waiting game, that my mind doesn’t seem to want to shut up about. If only I could let these ‘obsessions’ go, and live for the moment. Not worry about what the future may or may not hold, regarding several ’situations.’ To stop wishing for time to speed up. That’s proving a difficult thing for me to do right now.

So I play on the internet, I read books, I read blogs, I write blogs, I listen to podcasts, I try to study into my interests, I try to keep my house clean, I stay on top at work, I take care of my kids, I live side by side with my fiance. I just do what it is that I do, and move forward, even if it doesn’t feel like I am.

I had read on another person’s blog, about how one who writes blogs should always strive to talk TO the readers and avoid talking AT them. I hope I managed to talk TO you this time. That’s all I have for now. Thanks for reading, and until next time.

Okay, so Im in New York. Saturday after Thanksgiving, been here since October 9th 2009…. Thats exactly 59 days. I just woke up 1 hour ago in the usual restless impatient mode. Which is actually rather uncomfortable and which I work to get out of. Manhatten is electric and does that to you.

Ive switched the language into english.. because Im now in US, and in case this blog is ever going to go somewhere… This is my attempt to jumpstart-a-nice-blog-routine post. My original thought with this blog was to write down all the little conflicts in my mind, and all my new realisations, that I get a lot of every week. My idealistic mind forse me into thinking about EVERYTHING and my ambition and tornado energy make me take action and change myself. BUT… It was difficult. where to start, what to write and what not to write. There is so many layers to every subject. To keep such a blog I had to be very organized – a skill I have just learned recently.. its still in the process of development.

Since Im so good at dealing with my own shadows and emotional luggage, Ive decided to turn it into a business overhere. Of course why not!?  The past 10 years Ive been thinking nonstop everyday and considering every little aspect on both macro and micro level. So Im going to do seminars and workshops on how to build a life from scratch… and oh yeah, I think people need some etiquette too. I could probably not do it in Denmark at this stage, because danes dont wanna listen to young people. But thats a whole other subject and a post of its own.

I really want to keep this short. Otherwise Ill never get a nice routine going on! Its 11.17 AM and fleamarket is where I wanna go. I LOVE fleamarkets, and I want a saturday where I can do whatever I want and dont have anything to do. But thats not my life yet. Sadly.

Tomorrow sunday November 29th Im going to visit Anika in Tarrytown, who I just met last week. Its north of Manhatten and Ive been told it is beautiful and nature-yummi up there. Sunday is dedicated to THAT experience. Monday.. no actually Tuesday is the day to report company income and pay taxes to Danish government.. (I have a life-sketch-event company.. above all.. more about that one in another post) so I woke up thinking today was the only day for that report. Ive deferred it like I do with uncomfortable stuff……………………

I woke up yelling at my self inside to get some other important work done, cause otherwise I think I will never go anywhere with this life..

AH, idea – think Ill try something brand new today!! Leave it all for one more day and defer it to monday where I need to go to work anyway. I always make it on time. In most areas of my life, so far its been usefull to treat myself with opposit psychology………. So for God sake, Go to that fleamarket and have a good time..

And suddenly, right now, Im afraid – after fleamarket, where Im not suppose to spend any money by the way, then what??????… hmm I guess when my restlessness sets in, I can start working on my things then?  Uuuuhhh scaring. What if I find out..  that I really have nothing to do besides all that work…..??? Dilemma.

For now Ill turn my routine upside down, close the computer and get out of this tiny, dark expensive quiet room, and break my routine and fear of then what?

I think in life, we are obsessed with arrival. I rarely meet the person who is content with the moment they are living now. We press on, make goals, dream big, drive forward with purpose – all in pursuit of something we cannot even really define.
Yesterday, I felt a growing discontent. Today, I find that I can be content knowing that the whole story is not written, my journey is not over, my song is unfinished but surely i know, i can write those words that has been left unsaid!
Everything in life is connected somehow. You may have to dig deep to find it but its there. Everything is the same even though its different. Somehow everything connects back with your life. The faces in certain places may be different, but the situation is the same. Irony is a hidden factor that creeps around us in life, letting its presence felt only after it has left. Picture back to a year ago and the situation you were in. Look at how things are different yet somehow everything it still in someway cognate. Everything connects together to form the balance of life, to maintain structure. Change is and always will be inevitable, but everything is relative, and all the moments and times in your life will come back around again, you just might find yourself on the other side of the coin. Things are always changing, as fast as everything stays the same.
You may wonder, ‘How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?’ The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the ’same old thing.’ What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river.

A Propensity

It’s been no time and all time.
But,
a frail ink tears out of my pen
to rain this page
with the sere memory of you
(Swan)
and knowing that our days passed by
as the quick game of pool we’ve played
over a beer and a shot of Jack;
I’ll see you on the dust-kicked road
to Greece and a hermitage that you
would share with me.
But,
Rather than lose the wars,
they settled on the spoils of boredom.
But,
Rather than lose faith,
they twisted your spine
into a hangman’s knot to die
(and die)
in the corner by your restless jacket.
But,
It’s been no time and all time.

I fell in love with a nomad.

His skin is smooth,

sandpapered by beaches and dunes.

Cold desert winds sleep in his heart

His soul is restless,

It tears us apart.

His feet have walked many a path.

Fragrant and coloured by the clay,

they crush my heart.

Like the grapes at taverns he stops at.

Stop a while with me nomad.

Dry my tears,

with the roving suns,

that are your eyes.

How long will the wind carry you?

It must be tired.

Let it fly to a green grove.

While you find home in my arms.

“Lucy Harmer’s shamanic astrology book is truly amazing. I use it in my work every day as a therapist to help people understand their personality and find their pathway through life.”
–Jean-Francois Beltrami, counselor and kinesiologist

Welcome to Lucy Harmer’s Shamanic Astrology monthly forecast for the Northern Hemisphere! Each month Lucy shares inspiration and ideas for the coming weeks from her book Shamanic Astrology: Understanding Your Spirit Animal Sign.

Shamanic Astrology is based on the study of the movement of the sun and the moon during the different seasons of the year. There are twelve astrological ‘”signs” which are represented by twelve different spirit animals. To find out your own personal spirit animal sign (the sign you were born under), please check the table of spirit animals at the end of this article. Shamanic Astrology teaches us that inner power derives from knowing the properties, characteristics, and qualities of each spirit animal (known as their “medicine”), and applying this in our own lives.

Each month I will focus on the spirit animal for that month, and describe the “energy” of the month itself and also the influence of the moon. I will also indicate which other spirit animal signs will find this month to be particularly beneficial, and why.

November 22-December 21: OWL

Month of Hibernation and Long Nights

Spirit Animal Sign of the Month:
Owl is the spirit animal which corresponds to November 22 – December 21 (in the northern hemisphere). If you were born at this time, your spirit animal sign is Owl and you share Owl’s strengths of being fair, honest, wise, philosophical, idealistic, optimistic, and independent. You are someone who enjoys the good life! You may also share some of Owl’s weaknesses and can have a tendency to be restless, negligent, intolerant, proud, irresponsible, tactless, superficial and excessively optimistic.

Medicine: Owl’s medicine is the ability to seek out truth and justice in all
circumstances. This can be used in any ambiguous or unclear situation, to find the path to follow and to restore order.
Element: Fire
Stone: Obsidian
Color: Gold
Plant: Mistletoe

Energy of the season:
Owl’s month, which ends with the winter solstice, is that of hibernation and long nights. The sun is at its lowest in the sky and the nights are at their longest. This is a period for introspection, spiritual seeking, visions, plans and preparation for the future. Everything undertaken during this month will need a greater dose of enthusiasm, spontaneity, and optimism than at other times and will have to be on a sound ethical basis. Projects conceived now are often highly ambitious.

Energy of the moon:
Owl’s new moon started on Nov 16th and the full moon is on December 2nd 2009. The period from November 22nd until December 2nd is the ideal time for conceiving or launching projects. These will have a high rate of success, as long as they have a sound ethical foundation. After the full moon, from December 3rd until 15th December, time is best used for introspection and deep spiritual growth. This is a time for learning from the past and for setting new goals for the future. December 16th brings the new moon in Snow Goose; this is a time for putting new structures in place for the year to come, with much determination.

This month is particularly favorable for the following signs:

Owl:
If your sign is Owl the energy of this month is very favorable because it corresponds to the month and the moon of your birth. A new cycle is about to start in your life and this is the best time to start planting seeds. Use the sun’s energy to take stock and head off in a new direction.

Falcon/Salmon:
If your sign is Falcon or Salmon, this is a very lucky month for you, with lots of harmony because you are in your own fire element. A multitude of opportunities will open up for you in this period and this is the best time to give destiny a helping hand!

Raven/Otter:
For Raven and Otter people, this is a very dynamic month, full of energy which favors the conception and birth of new projects. You will feel new motivation and a renewal of your energy at this time.

Table of Spirit Animal Signs:

To find your spirit animal sign, just locate your birthday from the dates below, according to your place of birth. If you were born north of the equator (eg; USA, Canada, Europe), then look for your date of birth in the column headed “Northern Hemisphere.” If you were born south of the equator (eg; Australia, New Zealand, South Africa), then look for your date of birth in the column headed “Southern Hemisphere.”

© Copyright 2009 Lucy Harmer

Shamanic Astrology is available for purchase directly through NorthAtlanticBooks.com, as well as major book stores and online retailers.

CLICK HERE to learn more about courses, seminars and workshops offered by Lucy Harmer.

CLICK HERE to learn more about Shamanic Astrology.

CLICK HERE to learn more about Discovering Your Spirit Animal.

shopping for labels, shopping for love
manolo and louis — it’s all i’m thinking of

already know what my addiction is
i be looking for labels, i ain’t looking for love
i shop for purses while i walk out the door

don’t cry — buy a bag and get over it

and — i’m not concerned with all the politics
it’s a lot of men i know i could find another
oughta know that i’m always happy
when i walk out the store, store
i know i might come off as negative
i be looking for labels, i ain’t looking for love
relationships are often so hard to tame
a prada dress has never broken my heart before
and — ballin’s something that i’m fed up with
imma do the damn thing, watch me do the damn thing

cause i knowww — that my credit card will help me put out the flames, flames

gucci, fendi, prada purses, purchasing them finer things
men they come a dime a dozen, just give me them diamond rings
i’m into a lot of bling, cadallic, chanel and coach — fellas boast!
but they can’t really handle my female approach
buying things is hard to say rocking christian audigier,
manolo, polo, taking photos in my cartier
so we can’t go all the way, i know you might hate it but
i’m a shop for labels while them ladies lay and wait for love
i’m guessing supercalifragi-sexy,
nothing to be playing with
i love him, hate him, kiss him,
just i’m trying to walk a mile in my kicks

love’s like a runway but which one do i love mooore?
no emotional baggage, just replace it with dior
love’s like a runway, so what’s all the fussing forrr?
let’s stop chasing them boys and shop some more
1! 2! 1, 2, 3, 4! turn the lights on!

+ + +

work has been krazee but i’m loving the rush. i admit i miss my boss when she was on maternity leave to the point i honestly looked forward for her return. i guess some of you would say that i am supercrazy to be loving my boss — i thank HIM for the blessings of meeting me with wonderful bosses, so far. even if she is being a very mean miranda priestley when she feels like it, what the hell, she is the boss anyways. so far miss ai has been pretty supa-supportive and galpal-ish but she is stillstillstill and alwayyysss the boss like i worship-the-ground-she-walks that sort of thing.

and despite the rush and whatnot, miss ai is inspiring in the sense that she’s always dressy and classy like that — a constant reminder for moi to always appear presentable because we’ll never know when lightning would strike in the form of an ebizo ichikawa lookalike who’s ultra rich harta halal dunia akhirat and has his own G5 that he can pilot in case of catatostrophes like 2012, and he adores and loves me to the point he worships-the-ground-i-walk ~ aamiiin.

+ + +

semalam tea with the glam couple farizz and anysz di f.a.m. — glam, you, glam-m-m, we were oogling at our footballers!

“why am i seeing all these bald guys, lately… and lots of them!” i asked to the table. no, they are not the footballers. they are the people coming to eat at f.a.m. who are wayyy gorgeouser and richeser to the point that their hotness factor is you keep dropping it like snoop dogg tells you so with pharrell williams.

farizz laughed, “dah itu taste engkau sekarang.”

there was this one particular, who came with his girlfriend wearing roxy jeans splattered across her non-existent bum. i couldn’t size him up in the sense of wealth because he wears these pair of asics, and, sorry i only tolerate them when takuya kimura being sponsored with those in engine. and he dopods. not blackberry. or even an iphone that i could still tolerate. blackberry lea baru powerrr, bang. baru ari gold.

then again, he’s short in the sense that short (enough for me) as a guy and hm, dia maybe nampak sekeping like a fully-clothed andre 3000 but he may not be that andre 3000 bicep-ish at all to bite on.

+ + +

classy ladies (like moi as according to izary — hey, it’s on his 6-packs FB wall, what can i say) should not say fuck, fuckerrr, fucking or fcuk even if you could pronounce the last one.

say friggin‘. or effin‘.

be brit for this one time even though you’re a sworn new yorker.

+ + +

know how i never like akon? but i love david guetta. masa first hitz.fm announced the song sexy bitch, i dengar nama akon terus switched channel even though i heart guetta. then aneeza pasang in her omnia. masih tak layan. walaupun beat best.

but semalam, i picked up the beat at some random radio and i realized, shoot, it‘s guetta and akon.

sekarang ini, dengar ulang-ulang — ya, telah saya download =p — selang seli dengan eurythmics’ sweet dreams. i’m in da clubbb with my snuggie hoodie ooh imma feeling sooo badass ~

The village had been abandoned for some time, and all that lingered was a dead silence. I walked carefully, acutely aware of the stories that have been told of hallowed or haunted ground. The dead were restless here, I could feel it on a level that reverberated through my bones.

It wouldn’t have been a large village back when it was still full of life, probably home to no more than 300 people. Ahead of me stood what remained of the village hall and chapel, a single towering building whose stones did well to weather the elements. It was in this building I would spend the night, as the sacred walls of the chapel would do well to shield me from any malevolent spirits and poltergeists. I couldn’t tell if the door was locked or just sealed into place by the crooked timber frame. Nonetheless I managed to pry it loose and it creaked open with an almost obscenely loud noise, making me cringe.

The hall was dark; the last few wisps of pre-dusk light filtering in through the stained glass windows doing little to throw any kind of illumination onto the darkened corners. I was in the meeting hall, and all along in front of me was a plush carpet, still noticeably red and lined with modest gold trimmings. There were doors on either side of the hall, though most looked immovable and a few had simply fallen off their hinges. Down at the far end of the hall was a raised platform, no doubt where the village elder would address the townsfolk during a time of crisis. On the platform but toppled to its side was a lectern and a pair of wrought-iron candelabras. What little sound there had been outside from the voices of the forest that slowly crept forward to reclaim this village ceased, replaced only by a stillness so severe I caught myself holding my breath more than once. I inhaled deeply after one such time and the smell of dust and mildew invaded my nostrils, and I sneezed once, twice, three times. I felt a shiver run down my spine and an almost unbearable need to apologize for the noise I had caused. I fought the urge away and walked down the hall, toward the raised platform.

To my left was the chapel. It was an archway leading to the opened room that housed pews and another lectern, this one upright. The windows were taller here, more elaborate and as a result more of the fading light lit up the area. I entered the chapel and a weight I didn’t know even existed lifted off my shoulders, as if the very air in the hall had been laced with lead. I sighed in relief and a small smile crawled its way to my face. I unfurled my bedroll and began preparing a fire. Normally I would consider lighting a fire inside to be incredibly foolish, but I was hungry and cold and I’m sure the gods wouldn’t mind.

Would they?

as i sat on my bed this afternoon, having eaten last I don’t know how long before, i realized something my stomach wasn’t in knots, my mind wasn’t occupied on what i’d eaten last or what i would eat in the future, i wasn’t hungry, i didn’t feel that full bloated feeling. for that moment there in front of my computer, i just ‘was’.

my body was at peace.

right now, i feel that way too. dinner has passed a few hours ago, although it hardly seems that long ago, i just ate one slice of spice bun and i just feel at peace. my body isn’t fighting me anymore, it’s not restless anymore. i am SO glad i pressed through that rough patch to get to this point of peace.

worth it.

21st November, 2009
Breakfast
1 hamburger roll    3
1 egg    2

Snack
2 slices spice bun    6

Lunch
1/2 cup ‘cook up’  rice    3
1 cinnamon bun    3

Snack

Dinner
1 jamaican chicken patty    6

Snack
1 slice spice bun    3
Remaining Points    5
Total    26

PALIN GIVES OPRAH BEST RATINGS IN 2
YEARS

Oprah Winfrey’s much-anticipated
interview of Sarah Palin brought
her talk show its highest ratings
in two years.

MCCRARY IS NEW MALCOLM ON
‘RESTLESS’

So much for Shemar Moore ever
reprising his role of Malcolm
Winters on “The Young and the
Restless.” Beginning next month,
the character will be played by
former “Family Matters” star Darius
McCrary.

DIVERSITY STILL SCARCE AMONG
SHOWBIZ WRITERS

Variety is reporting that the WGA
West’s new 2009 Hollywood Writers
Report finds “little if any”
improvement in employment and
earnings for women and minority
writers

There are moments in my life when I am irritable and restless, and one of the things I like to do is guided imagery. It is quite relaxing. I love being able to focus and center my energies, so that I can rejuvenate and feel more at peace. I feel like everyone needs these quiet moments of time alone. Maybe this is what I have been needing to do.

Here is a link to once such meditation I have done tonight: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8845129782533837583#

Want to know what “My Quiet Place” looks like?

Its in the middle of a prairie, surrounded by tall blades of grass. The sun is shining and it’s rays are warm to my skin. I can hear the weeping willows branches swooshing in the distance. The birds are chirping their busy talk with one another. I can smell the faint hint of the flowers in full bloom…a trail of sweet peas left lingering in my nose. The quietness of my mind allows me to lay down in the tall grass, eyes closed, and just focus on the beautifulness of my surroundings. There, I am one.

What can you do when Giant Purple African Fire Ants (which you turn out to be wildly allergic to) have taken up residence in your britches and a once-comfortable tinge of the travel bug has turned into a Class IX Code Mayday infestation?  Well, a chronic sufferer of ANP (Ants ‘N Pants) Syndrome myself, I have compiled a list of five simple activities which can help relieve any uncomfortable symptoms (including difficulty concentrating, tingling in legs and arms, unhealthy amounts of time spent reading National Geographic Adventure, etc).

• Change your routine: When your enthusiasm for today comes from the promise of future plans, it is high time to hack away the crispy fry-batter that condemns the present to sluggishness in order to taste the juicy center of now.  Making little changes in your daily routine can feel like taking a pickax to the doldrums.  Instead of driving to work or school, ride the bus.  If you normally ride the bus, walk.  Try arriving everywhere an hour earlier or leaving an hour later just to catch a different cross-section of your community.  Awakening the senses to your current setting can take the edge off of that relentless urge to grab your backpack and hop on a plane to anywhere.

• Have a mini-adventure: So your next big trip is months away. Whether money is tight or not, you want to GO but can’t…yet.  Taking a weekend or an afternoon to do something even a little bit adventurous will revive the droopy sails of a traveler without a trip.  Climb a tree.  Yes, a tree.  Spend a night camping in a local state park, or even in your backyard.  Go on a photo scavenger hunt searching for the quirkiest people or objects in your neighborhood.  Climb a billboard or water tower (exercising extreme caution and avoiding the cops, of course).  Be a little bit crazy to reward yourself for bottom-line practicality.

• Reflect on a past trip: Sometimes we stay so enamored with future possibilities, we forget to process (let alone reflect upon) voyages completed.  While sifting through old travel photos may at first aggravate your longing, the process of remembering ultimately guides you back to center.  Put together a scrapbook.  Write a narrative about a stand-out moment from on the road.  Revisiting the experiences you lust after exhumes inner why’s–why you are desirous to go, why particular destinations, why not where you are… Stitching together your own story will prepare you mentally, emotionally and spiritually for the day your departure date finally lumbers into view.

• Read a novel: Since this suggestion has already been beaten to death then dressed up and clobbered again by all manner of redundant folks (of which I am now one), I will simply relay Ms. Emily Dickinson’s observations on the matter: “There is no frigate like a book/ To take us lands away/ Nor any coursers like a page/ Of prancing poetry./ This traverse may the poorest take/ Without oppress of toll;/ How frugal is the chariot/ That bears a human soul!”

• Look for diversity in your own town: I know you are dreaming of strange and exotic cities with foreign smells and languages that seem to bubble softly over the lips of the natives.  But, what about the mysteries of your own town?  Visit the farmer’s market if you never have or browse that funny bookshop scarcely visible from the street.  Drive through a new development or an ancient one.  Take a ghost tour; hunt for the best chicken salad sandwich; find a local organization that promotes ethnic diversity and attend an event.  Sniffing out the intricacies on this side of the fence will distract you from the tantalizing scent of greener grass.

The time in between travels can easily manifest as a plateau of intolerable sameness…a waiting game while you waste away precious lifetime amassing funds and free time enough to escape the system once again.  OR, you can claim the reigns of the ornery meantime, harnessing every bit of of power these lulls have to offer.

Over the next few weeks, I plan to employ the above tips myself.  I’ll keep you posted on successes, failures, and the status of my wanderlust.

How do you ward off restlessness?

As long as I can remember I never really enjoyed sleeping. Sure it is lovely to do it when you are exceptionally exhausted, but otherwise for me it always felt like a waste of time somehow.

As a kid I was told to go to sleep at some certain hour, but I remember lying in my bed thinking about all different thinks that you could do instead of sleeping. The thought about having to “wait” until tomorrow always seemed way too long.

When I moved away from home I can’t really remember sleeping more than a maximum of 6 hours a night, that have seemed to be more than enough for my body to rest, to be able to function normally without having any “side effects”. It worked so good for me the 4 years that I was working night shifts. I always came home when people got up and started to go to work, and I had every morning in my own quite peace without having to rush to work with a million other people.

A few times I have been testing myself just to see how long I can actually stay awake and function without having any problems. I remember a “test” where I was awake for about 70h or so and when I eventually laid down and just passed out. And it seems around 48h is a maximum I can manage. After that freaky things start to happen. You start to see things in the corner of your eye, hear people saying things even if they never uttered a word, and most of the time you just fall into some kind of coma and just stare at something without being able to look away.

Today this restlessness has a good grip on me again. I feel like I am about the age of 5 when it is time to go to sleep. My body just don’t want to lie down and go to sleep. I am not thinking about anything special, I don’t have something that really is a burden, and I don’t feel any stress. Some people say that I should see a doctor about it, and it isn’t healthy at all. But the doctor will most likely just prescribe me some pills, which I wouldn’t take anyway…

Why is it that so many people think this is such a huge problem? I have learned to function with it, the only really negative side with being awake during night is that you can get quite lonely. It’s not like you can call your close friends or actually go outside and do things (well you can, but people would look upon you as a total freak I suppose). Internet is a saviour of sorts, where you actually can communicate with ease with people who are awake because it is not their time to sleep yet.

It seems to be that time again, when I must force myself to sleep…

People can be such cows!

Yes, that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. And I really like this song. Though in my current mood I strongly recommend Collective Soul’s Listen. Which I remember was given to me on a CD burned for me way back in…tenth grade. I also like dark chocolate a lot. And Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites seem like a bit of a rip off. Just like Tropic Thunder which I was looking forward to so much and which was worse than bad, seeping into boring. And I’m currently addicted to Family Guy and the latest episode of Gossip Girl had me fuming and cursing. As did a particularly entertaining episode of the Telugu version of Scrubs-meets-Grey’s-Anatomy-and-possibly-House-but-I-seriously-doubt-it which I just watched on Maa TV.

I suppose I had a little more to say than I thought.

Title Source: Scummy by Arctic Monkeys

I don’t know how I let myself get this annoying. Just when everything is going my way, when I have pretty much everything I could possibly want and more — for the time being anyway, because art is long and time is fleeting — I get cranky and caught up in possibilities that shouldn’t even have crossed my mind in the first place. We should just learn to let things be without overanalysing meaning and indication. Not just go with the flow, but shut our minds down for a while.

On a side-note, I don’t think liquor agrees with me.

Title Source: Run Through The Jungle by CCR

super outdated — original draft dated Oct-26 @ 23:01 — because it’s one tough documentation or i am just too darn lazy these days i only care about partying and gueci

anysz: kau tau tak suessy, all these birthdays ni… we first started it with yours last year!

+ + +

“i need your help…” — huda

huda picked me up around 5pm. she said we are first to make a stop at E to meet this lady yang buat hantaran kahwin. i was a bit tersedih sekejap thinking of the rad times i had there last year for cordee’s birthday. takpelah, let’s ago-go-go.

during the drive huda beria cerita dan bertanya pendapat pasal pilihan rona warna untuk hantaran kahwin. at first it was wayyy weird huda kata dia takde idea, takde masa, takde nak menyempat nak buat research hatta google sekali pun, maka dia memerlukan pendapat aku. nak ikutkan nak je aku tanya ulang-ulang, “betul keee kau takde idea, babe?” tapi nanti karang huda sound, “tak nak tolong, sudah lea!” mati aku. dah lea aku tengah merajuk dengan fgk-s, roha tengah meroyan buat assignment and nurlin kesengkekkan duduk diam-diam dengan sam over the weekend.

when we came to the parking lot, i was ranting about why didn’t i use my LV and still using the old rocker chick bag. aku suruh huda patah balik ke rumah aku sebab aku nak ambik beg LV itu so that konon-konon aku ini gadis-gadis the hills. dan sebab huda masa itu dengan beg guccinya. dan ini nak jumpa si wanita yang akan membuat hantaran kahwin untuk huda — create a fake repo lea sikit, konon-konon anak dato’ mana ke, mesti lady ni ramai clientele (-_-”).

naik ke lobby, we were both oogling at borneo pearls. huda was making calls to the lady hantaran kahwin — LHK — tapi dia buat panggilan tu sejauuuh-jauuuhnya dari aku. kalau boleh nak sorok bawah tangga lobi tu terus. aku ingatkan LHK tu tunggu kitorang dengan sampel-sampel dia kat lobi, tapi huda kata nak kena naik ke bilik. weird… ntah-ntah mak ayam nak cari anak ayam baru ke, kan?

huda terus-terus nak naik lif, tapi nak tunjuk aku ni selalu duduk hotel konon-konon — private partiesss, okay, aku kan gadis-gadis the hills (-_-”) — aku mentioned kat huda kena ade access card. huda pun terbantut nak naik lif, suruh aku tunggu jangan bergerak and dia pegi concierge. lepas tu dia datang balik and said LHK dah cakap kat staffs yang kitorang nak datang, suruh naik je tingkat 4 terus.

sampai tingkat 4, cari room 402. bilik corner rupanya… hmmm. nak pulak huda terus bukak pintu and bilik tu gelap. i was a bit delayed reaction although kalau nak ikut logik aku patut lari ke tangga sebab memang betul lea ni bilik mak ayam omigod mummy said don’t talk to strangers!!! tapi lepas tu aku tengok cordee in the room — am i having visions? — lepas tu start nyanyi happy birthday then aku nampak anysz pegang kek and ade roha tengah senyum lebar pegang kamera and omigod, apakah… and ohhh myyy goddddd nurlin pun ade whatthefuckkk!!! and then baru aku nampak the whole picture of aneeza and nani in the room and omigoshhh alllll my bridesmaids!!!

+ + +

“i have the spreadsheet that i prepared to execute your surprise party…” — anysz

aku tak tau nak wish ape, not even ebizo ichikawa xi came to mind, i was more into vince’s birthday wish in entourage episode 35 — i wish that we will all have a great year! — macam lea birthday aku atas yacht like his’ or lauren conrad’s but i really felt sooo glamorous at the time, the gals made me feel omigod i’m the superstar and yeahhh aku memang sangat superficial right now because i’m just still too euphoric.

they told anysz to get off the rose-petals path they made for me to walk through from the door. i blew the candles and hugged and kissed each and everyone as roha goes snapsnapsnap with her ixus. oh ya, cordee buat stripdance at the end of the rose-petals path for moi. and there was that huge ribbonized charles & keith paper bag on the bed with more rose petals all over the white sheets. there was this tallll vase of roses on the table and two mini bouquets — the works of roha and nurlin. balloons were absolutely everywhere on the floor.

we had the cake and anysz said she’s never going to recommends la manila again because she keeps ordering the same cake — kek yang aku suka pulak tu! (anysz) — and they had tapau nasi ayam also.

+ + +

“i am the element of surprise.” — nurlin

as we were having cakes and nasi ayam, i was meroyan-royan with the cm-s for pulling this off at the same time melayan aku mengadu about last tuesday. especially nurlin. she was with me the whole week.
“diorang suruh aku pick up kau, but then aku cakap, aku elemen surprise suessy, aku tak boleh pick up dia,” said nurlin haughtily.
moi: and i thought kau duduk diam-diam dengan sam kat umah over the weekend sebab tengah sengkek.
“ye lea, sengkek untuk birthday kau ni, tauuu!”

omigod they are the real fuckeristas… i was truly fucked up with this surprise.

what did you wish?
moi: i have always wished that all my bridesmaids are together doing something that we all can enjoy. i am sooo happy right now, i am so glad that each of you are here. i’m too happy! this is what i have sooo always wanted!
“awww…” said nani.

“we called your mum,” aneeza said.
moi: my mum?
“yup, we told her that we’re doing your birthday and that in case you would need to go back to bersiap or ambik anything, you have free passes to go in and out of the house at any time you want.”
moi: bila you call dia?
“semalam.”
moi: she knowwwsss?!!! she. knows. about. this?
patut lea mum said yes ever so smoothly on friday night when i told her huda nak datang ambik to go wedding stuffs shopping.

then they said mau pegi dinner sambil sesama sendiri sedang berebut nasi ayam. dinnerrrrr? habis ni tengah makan ni, ape? “lepas dinner, kita pegi clubbing. you just have to bersiap je, suessy. tonight, it is alll about youuu. okay, girls, 6.30 we’re out for dinner. 8.30 balik sini and by ten kita mesti dah chow to changkat.”

ohhh. myyy. goddd ~ \(^o^)/

+ + +

“ini memang bukan birthday yang economical.” — roha

all the while i am raking inside my head about the money they have spent.

“pegi lea tengok beg tu, suessy!” coaxed cordee. then dia kena sound dengan aneeza, “biar lea suessy discover sendiri, cord…” ohhh okay, aku dah terus lompat atas katil macam a cat pouncing on its prey and omigod i got my own charles & keith, baby! a brand new birkin, i feel sooo heidi montag right now, yes, aku adalah gadis-gadis the hills!

and then roha bagi kotak kasut nose. whattt? apakah… ape lagi ini, like, omigod!!!
“i fikir about you going clubbing and this is the perfect shoes for it…” wahhhhhhhhhhh rohaaaaa ape ai nak buat bila yu pegi dubaiiiii lepas niiiii ~ T_T
dikuatkan dengan faktor ini, four out of eight of us pakai kasut baru pada malam itu.

“suessy, pasta zanmai ade wi-fi?”
moi: yes.
omigoddd we’re going to pasta zanmai… they totally rememberrrrsssss ~ mari menangis lagi T_T

as we got into the lift, the girls said that the whole budget is worth three years’ birthday of mine so have all the fun while it lasts.
moi: you guysss… this must have been astronomical! omigod… i cannot imagine… aku tak nak tanya, i can just guess all the dimes that goes in for this.
“memang betul lea tu astronomical, ini bukan birthday yang economical!”
moi: i want to know everything! who calls who, how did it all started, sape planning —
“takde, takde, takde… we’re not telling. tapi anysz rounded us all up. untuk birthday kau ni, semua orang terpaksa bangun pagi-pagi… nak beli bunga… nak tiup belon… nak beli kek…” said huda dengan penuh keluhan.

+ + +

“i love shishamo!” — nani

so we were at pasta zanmai for dinner and there was already a heads up that nani wanted to shoe-shopped afterwards for her purple dress. i’m good and just too happy. i got all my bridesmaids, i’m just too freaking happy already.

“okay, suessy, you can order anything you want,” said nani. “aneeza?”
aneeza looked at me and said, “as long as it’s under rm5.” she said, spreading all her five fingers opened.

turns out elyas, sala and muizz will joined us later at changkat.
moi: permission to hug your boyfriendsss!
~ i’m just too grateful.
“tak boleh!” said anysz. ah, farizz was away anyways.

as we scanned the menu and decide what to order, nani was happy pointing out the shishamo.
“eee… macam mana rasa dia tu?” aneeza asked.
i read the menu and shishamo is grilled smelts.
“sedappp, syok gila makan shishamo ni.”
moi: what is it actually nani?
“shishamo is pregnant fish… they grilled it… sedappp. bila aku dengan izary bosan we will go to tropicana city mall and makan shishamo murah kat sana… 3ringgit for four.”
truly. dipped it in the soy sauced wasabi and pow! a total burst of flavour in your mouth. and you could hear those crackles of the smelts’ eggs inside your mouth.

lepas itu kami ke vincci, opera, blay, jusco… and not only nani but nurlin and huda also bought new shoes.
“8.45 dah ni, let’s gooo, let’s gooo!” anysz rounded us all to follow the schedule.

+ + +

“2.45 mission, suessy!” — cordee

nani challenged cordee and moi to kiss someone by 2.45 at the club.

moi: kiss who?
“anyone. random.”
moi: okay, like who?
“random, suessy, random. not with who, not what time, not at where. it’s random,” said aneeza.
moi: i’m a too damn good kisserrr to waste it on some random dude.
“try je lea, suessy, just once. 2.45, okay? cordee, okay… you pun. by 2.45. grab and just kiss someone.”
“oh-kay! set! suessy, kau pun, ‘kay? okay?” cordee asked moi.

pharhunt: ye ke kau tak cium sape-sape malam tu ~
moi: yeee pharhunt, bibir ini tidak menyentuh bibir-bibir sesiapa lagi… masih seallled.

oh ya, walaupun konsert beyoncè cancelled, i had two beyoncès attending my party dan mereka bakal berentap di kelab nanti.

+ + +

sweet dreams are made of these

elyas and sala arrived at the hotel picking us the dancing princesses. huda already left earlier to fill up the tank. anysz, cordee bundled up in aneeza’s ride along with elyas as the driver. i was waiting with roha and nurlin for huda but then, seeing sala and nani alone in one car, i decided to joined them. huda and muizz later arrived — i almost forgot about muizz coming, so roha and nurlin would be just comfortable with them in one car.

sala greeted moi and immediately commented, “ini baju yang hari tu, yea?” and ever so gentlemanly, he asked how am i feeling and i was profusely confessing to him i felt sooo bad of what i wrote in my blog earlier and what they have showered me so far was beyond amazing!

arrived changkat and gatdemm we were wayyy early, people are still having dinner, haha! snapsnapsnap pix this and that, joined by them the usually heard of ayang and aeyo and the rest of the clan. by then, let’s ge-e-e-ttt the party started!

bessssttt gileee menari dowh. i don’t know whether it’s a week or month worth of exercising but there i go from 11pm til 3am — just dance. totally. cheers and shouts for the birthday girl, lompat-lompat, layan sweet dreams, funk soul brother, cookie jar, creep, heartbreaker and so many more tapi bila sean kingston aku lepak luar. no wayyy man, not my song!

tukar-tukar kasut. wore the birthday shoes, then tukar pakai roha’s 4-inch nine west — giddygiddy mengada-ngada menari-nari kekadang nak terbalik ke belakang tak boleh nak stable kan diri yang became the start of something with one of the guys yang always got my back ever since suka hati aku pijak kasut dia sebab tak nampak dia ade kat belakang syok sangat menari haha! dalam kepala asyik fikir single ke tak dia ni, single ke tak? it wasn’t a matter of yeayyy lucky strike kasut roha menemukan jodoh untukku but aku tak nakkk menari dengan boyfriend orang, eww! i think dia single kot although elyas said, “sue, bila dalam kelab semua orang single. aku dengan aneeza pun single malam ni.” whateverrr, i can do that 2.45 yeayyy boleh close deal — malam tu i was somewhat competitive with cordee.

aneeza’s brother joined us a little later and we catch up on work, life and i found someone new to talk to about teevee — he watch HIMYM, prison break, lost and apetah lagi — he was totally an engaging person. and kacak. yeshhh, i’m advertising here since he keeps asking around if any of us know anyone single. i got two references from roha and farah — oh, hello dia ni macam my brotherrr, kitorang kutip biji saga depan rumah and main tepi longkang sebelum pergi sekolah sama-sama back sixteen years ago!

both ayang and farah are gorgeous chicks and they were really sweet — “birthday girl, there’s a red carpet waiting for ya!” the boys were funnn especially ippin — he so reminds me of darling volk — kamal macam enrique inglesias kot dowhhh, aeyo macam cedric the entertainer, and biggy was the dance partner alias protègè haha i had sooo much fun with him!

the most memorable would be that song yang like an anthem for the fgk — i know you want me, you know i want cha, i know you want me-e-e, you know i want cha (lagu sape tu?) and it goes uno-dos-tres-quatro! — masa tu memang best gileee especially part kira-kira and sebut quatro mesti nak menjerit but can never top bila BEP’s i gotta feeling wouuu huuu ~ sangat. sangat. sangat. wouuu huuu lah! the deejay will silent the wou-hu part and kitorang clubbers ni yang layankan. niiice — tepuk tangan semuaaa.

anysz, nurlin, roha and cordee were singles, menari sesama sendiri and buat signs and muka- muka bila ade makhluk-makhluk asing mencelah — the girls were comical besides being naturally gorgeous. anysz and cordee is always berentap and of kross anysz takkan kalah punyaaa — bagi lagi, bagi lagi, hanj— yu! muizz sangat sporting melayan and joining us. sala macam dancing queen dowh, he’s a real darling! aneeza taught me how to grind ‘em good gils her skill sangat powerrr — kau hentammm je, suessy! OMG i was so happeee my girls totally put it in for my favourite activity. are you having fun, suessy? are you having fun? dua tiga kali each of them tanya to make sure aren’t they sooo angelixxx and each and everytime i’m answering, “toootally!”
nurlin: nampak lea kau sangat having fun — great!
aku tak boleh lupa masa tu kenapa eh, aku jauh sikit from biggy and danced with the girls then some random hand tolak aku towards him and it was sala — dengan tangan dan muka tak bersalah buat bodo and sambung menari with nani.

before with biggy i was already delirious, when he came in he was a nice addition to the picture, i had my girls, i was dancing my heart out and dancing the night away, it’s my birthdayyy, tak putus-putus sorang-sorang wishing throughout the night, the boyfriends were a total sport with their girlfriends for moi, met an old friend and had fun talking to, everyone was lovely and superfantastic, best first impressions ever — i. had. fun!

+ + +

+ + +

fighting the demons

around nak almost four a.m. lepas jerit-jerit “one morrre, one morrre!” kat deejay dengan diketuai oleh kamal, kami semua harus pulang. sementara tunggu aneeza ber-PR dengan manager werner’s, ntah random dudes sapesape ni dengan kamera ambik gambar dengan anysz, dengan cordee, dengan aku. sorang satu keeping, tukar-tukar pasangan. ntah lea sesat ke mana-mana gambar tu dibogelkan ke ape atau published kat gadiscomel.com kategori dentally challenged (moi).

nani and sala dah balik dulu sebab sala kebulur and he’s driving up to melaka for a meeting. roha, nurlin, huda and muizz bundled up balik shah alam. moi, cordee, anysz, aneeza and elyas bundled up balik hotel. at first elyas is driving but then tukar to cordee.

so that exit to our hotel, cordee was going somewhat fast. dalam terowong tu, at four am in the morning, kereta beratur macam ade tunggu traffic light. ntah lea, aku antara accurate tak accurate but i was sure i remembered seeing cars lining up macam tunggu traffic light. now when come to think of it again, what happened to those cars lepas kitorang crashed? lantak lea.

cordee driving, elyas on passenger seat. aneeza belakang elyas, anysz kat tengah, aku belakang cordee. elyas jerit, “brake!” aneeza jerit, “brake! brake, cordee, brake!” cordee jerit, “aku dah brake, brake tak makan! brake tak makan!” aku rasa macam dalam a slippery cup yang kau main kat funfair tu, cordee swerved to the left tapi lepas tu dia bawak kereta ke kanan, memang tak sempat, memang crash, aku tak brace for impact, aku tak fikir ape, tapi lepas tu kereta tu crashed the last car on the right lane and that slowed us down before sempat langgar pokok.

aneeza went hysteric, keluar kereta, meroyan. elyas kejarkan aneeza. cordee tak berhenti-henti mintak maaf, aku pujuk cordee to take it easy, and anysz terdiam sebab tulang kering dia langgar the middle compartment, i should think. anysz cakap muka dia sebelah kiri rasa kebas.

and then i started to sebak thanking HIM that we all survived, nothing major. i can’t call mum even though i feel like talking to her. i know she would masked her worrying with her doing an azubirian on the azubirian jr (moi) and lepas tu aku mesti tak boleh keluar rumah seumur hidup. there was no particular someone as in the opposite sex came to mind that i’d want to mengadu to, not even wishing for one but i do need to talk to someone — who cares and matters. so i called up the cashmere mafia-s. they have just arrived at roha’s pad and are settling down to sleep but became unsettling as they heard the news. i promised to update them now and then, and called up nani. no one get in touch with her yet, as cordee was with aneeza and elyas settling whatever with the alfa romeo’s owner and anysz was attentive to the group despite her injury. i informed nani and sala was just about to leave for melaka, dia patah balik and came to the scene. elyas’ friends from the club came over after their supper and so is aneeza’s brother.

i came out of the car and stayed away from it, as later car after car after car skidded and before i knew it one of them could have slammed into aneeza’s with me in it and i was crying hysterically by myself. cordee came to me apologizing, anysz reminded me to buck it up for aneeza since it’s her car in a wreck and aneeza’s brother consoled us. by five a.m. or so, leaving elyas, his friends and aneeza’s brother settling the scene, sala drove us girls back to the hotel.

we arrived at the lobby and i couldn’t care less walking around barefooted, my new birthday/dancing shoes are dirty what with walking around the scene in mud and we all trooped to our room. sala left immediately for melaka. i was somewhat perplexed, not having anything to grip to and was very, very unsettled in the mind. i know what happened and i know it couldn’t be avoided and we were sheer lucky that nothing’s fatal. i was afraid of not being grateful enough but how i wished i could have those melayu keparat babi paria wiped off, who i think took advantage of our condition — who, without a doubt, setup the whole scene in the first place — and simply labelled us as these melayu-melayu mabuk habis kau tu makan duit halal ke, fuckerrr?

elyas and aneeza’s brother later came over to the hotel and update us. aneeza’s brother was too damn hungry and keep complaining the hotel room is hot and i keep telling him to take off the damn jacket. we checked on each other’s injury and pain, talk about the police report tomorrow, and eat the leftover dinner, cake and dunking vanilla coke. i changed clothes, put on the bathrobe to keep warm after someone blasted the air-conditioner and fell asleep.

+ + +

“you have to returned what you say…” — aneeza

it’s almost noon and we received a guest who came back from a marathon or whatever — izary. he commented this and that, asked this and that while we were cleaning up and leaving.

we had brunch at f.a.m. and i ordered nasi goreng london, teringat volk ordered that the last time we had lunch there.

i made my speech/toast. i thanked each and everyone for making it happened, apologized to aneeza for what had happened, and apologizing to everyone for my previous blog entry. at the time i hugged elyas because aku lupa nak hug bila jumpa dia earlier sebab tak sabar-sabar nak clubbing ~

someone asked — but i couldn’t recall who — apa yang buat aku upset sangat on the actual birthday hari tu. i told them how i felt and reasoned it with that i myself was at my own weakness, not really able to create the fun out of myself and only waiting for people to do it for me. and i mentioned how izary stole the show —
moi: he was all talkative, and charming, and everyone loves him —
nani: charming? ahaha!
aneeza: nooo, suessy… you have to returned what you sayyy!
and izary buat-buat innocent and naive aku sepak kang — yes, you! you! you steal my thunder!
izary: i was — i’m so sorry if i was ru-u-u-de!
moi: and you guys semua dah siap bawak izary pegi janggut, and i tak ade pun kat janggut masa tu, i feel sooo left out! semua orang, semua orang masa tu kenal izary, layan izary and he was such an entertainer and charming and ewww, aku rasa sangat sedihhh!
izary: we were there at janggut to discuss about your birthday. i was there and i was wondering, who is this suessy they are talking about… i have not met her yet…

moi: discuss my birthdayyy ~ OMG

izary: yeahhh… and, oh, i was there when they bought you the bag. i followed!
oh, okayyy. suessy senyuuummm.
izary: that was a damn good wifle, anyway. at least you recognized your weakness and let your girlfriends know so that they can help you out.
moi: wifle?
nani: what i feel like expressing.

lepas tu izary asyik cakap dia italian and i said no — italian supposed to have the locklustre of jet black hair and bila dia pakai this straw hat he found in his car, dia tanya ape nationality dia — aku cakap puerto rican.

sekian.

would’ve been nice if farizz was able to join and sam too — i‘m a very busy busy busy man — and fahimi kau turun dari dubai untuk birthday akuuu. hmm, aku tak dapat bayangkan fahimi clubbing but he’d be great with cameras… post mortem — nak ada pro photographer tagging along documenting the prep, the event and the aftermath… would be a good photo album, no? — macam the bridal showers nurlin is having with the WANGERS, they have professional photographer tagging along, tau!

then again, was a great birthday indeed. love!

I’m completely worn out. Yesterday’s adventure left extremely tired.

But enough of that. What am I going to do today?

A week ago I discovered ArtRage, awesome art software, but I don’t really feel inspired enough for me to paint. I spent two days last weekend coming up with some ideas for a new painting. I should be writing at least, but I’m not really feelin’ it now either. I need a creativity boost..

I might watch some films online. I call myself a movie buff, but over the past few years my interest has declined. I spent more time creating music than learning about film techniques. I used to want to be a director, you know. Those days are gone, along with wanting to be a lawyer..

But my interest in many things has plummeted.

I kind of still want to keep writing, but I never feel like my stuff is worth publishing. It’s a push and pull effect that I struggle to make sense of, or get rid of. I like being creative and keeping my mind alert..but too much comes with that. The self doubt and uncertainty are a bitch. I can’t remember the last time I picked up my guitar. I don’t think I remember how to play any of the numerous songs I used to know. All of that is slipping away.

I need a new me.

I don’t really have much to say right now. I’m writing this for the sake of not missing a day on this blog. I’m doing really well as far as perfect attendance goes. I can be an overachiever when I want to be.

Peace.

I need a new background… new something. The plain white on this blog is driving me INSANE!!! I’m a color person. I need it, love it, CRAVE it. Lol. Now I’m just being plain weird, which isn’t completely surprising if you knew me at all.

Coffee. I had two coffees this morning, Starbucks. Of course. Too much energy, not enough patience, hungry, and want to go shopping. Office supplies are calling my name. But, alas, I do not have the money for it, nor a purpose. Looking at them and playing with them just makes me giggle. Ah, there I go being weird again.

See I need my money to buy a prescription for my sickness and a book for my review that I must write for work. Ugh. Not looking forward to that, but I must say, it will be SENSATIONAL!!!

Enough babbling for now. Maybe I’ll think of something decent to write later, maybe not. Please don’t stick around to find out, I might disappoint and that would be bad. I apologize.