As fans recently learned, the Nightmare on Elm Street Reboot stars WATCHMEN’s Jackie Earl Haley as the new Freddy Krueger, taking over from Robert Englund, whose absence is surely going to weigh heavily on audience’s mind no matter how good Haley’s performance. Besides a brief glimpse in the trailer, it’s been unclear just what the new Freddy would look like. And the truth, revealed by Figures.com via NECA, is here in this upcoming Freddy Figure!

It’s definitely a difference, but I’m thinking I like it: over the years, the Freddy Krueger ‘brand’, as it were, has become a true cult hero, but also a bit of a joke as he takes on unlikely foes and becomes more and more ridiculous. The new Haley Krueger definitely has a stranger stare, less of a smile and a creepier, more realistic burn-victim look, which makes him at once more accessible and more horrifying. Of course, it’ll come down to the acting in the end and as we’ve already seen from a number of shows, JEH isn’t low on talent. We’ll just have to wait and see.

But while we’re on the topic, here’s
a link to our selection of non-JEH Freddy Krueger figures from NECA. They’re all awesomely detailed and you should definitely pay special attention to the newest item, a 12-inch deluxe Freddy in real fabric clothing: lift his shirt up to reveal the souls of his victims in his chest!

New in at Cinema Books:Hollywood Monster a Walk Down Elm Stree with the Man of Your Dreams by Robert Englund with Alan Goldsher, $26.00 cloth. Legendary horror  icon “Freddy Krueger” tells all in this veteran actor’s memoir of his life in Hollywood. Introductions by Wes Craven and Tobe Hopper. Time to celebrate the twenty-fifth anniverary of Nightmare on Elm Street.

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a 1984 American horror film directed and written by Wes Craven, and the first film of the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. The film features John Saxon, Heather Langenkamp, Ronee Blakley, Amanda Wyss, Jsu Garcia, Robert Englund and Johnny Depp in his feature film debut. Set in the fictional Midwestern town of Springwood, Ohio, the plot revolves around several teenagers being terrorized in their nightmares by the ghost of a serial child murderer named Fred Krueger.

Craven produced A Nightmare on Elm Street on an estimated budget of just $1.8 million, a sum the film earned back during its first week. Grossing $25.5 million at the United States box office, A Nightmare on Elm Street has become one of the most popular entries in the horror genre and the film’s villain, Fred Krueger, has become one of the most well recognized villains in cinema history. Both critics and Craven have mentioned that the film owes some of its success to John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978), which was very influential in spawning a long line of slasher films and originating many clichés found in low-budget horror films of the 1980s and 1990s.

The film’s premise is the question of the distinction between dreams and reality. The villain, Fred Krueger, exists in the “dream world” yet can kill in the “real world”. Sequels to the original would continue to confuse dreams and reality, before finally confusing art and reality by showing Heather Langenkamp, playing a fictionalized version of herself, haunted by the villain of a series of films in which she has had a major part in reality. Critics praised the film’s ability to transgress “the boundaries between the imaginary and real”, toying with audience perceptions. Some movie historians interpreted this overriding theme as a social subtext, “the struggles of adolescents in American society”, and their overwhelming need to confront “the harsh realities of life”.

A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge is the second film in the Nightmare on Elm Street series of slasher films. It was released in 1985 by New Line Cinema. The film was directed by Jack Sholder.

Tagline:  The first name in terror returns…

Trivia:

• Special-effects man Rick Lazzarini created a “demonic parakeet” puppet for the scene in which the Walsh’s pet parakeet flies around and explodes. His puppet was not used because they wanted a regular-looking bird.
• This is the only film in the series not to use Charles Bernstein’s original theme, or a variation of it.
• In the opening sequence, the bus driver is Robert Englund without the heavy “Freddy Krueger” make-up and his signature clothing.
• Cameo: [Robert Shaye] the S&M bartender.
• Brad Pitt, John Stamos and Christian Slater all auditioned for the role of Jesse.
• The song “Touch Me,” which is being played in Jesse’s room, is an early (and slightly different) version of Cathy Dennis’s #2 hit from the early 1990s.
• Nightmare series creator Wes Craven refused to work on this film because he never wanted or intended A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) to become an ongoing franchise (and even wanted the first film to have a happy ending), and also because he didn’t like the idea of Freddy manipulating the protagonist into committing the murders.
• The running time for this film is 87 minutes, Freddy appears in just 13 of them.
• JoAnn Willette is one of the girls seated in the back of the school bus driven by Freddy at the beginning of the film. She would later go on to star in the ABC sitcom “Just the Ten of Us” (1988), a program which not only featured numerous references to the “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise, but also co-starred Heather Langenkamp (from the first, third, and seventh films) and Brooke Theiss (from the fourth film).
• The last film in the original “Nightmare” franchise in which Freddy’s house is the focal point of Freddy’s terror. In the rest of the series, Freddy’s terror revolves generally around Elm Street and the town of Springwood with the house occasionally making an appearance. In the hybrid film, “Freddy vs. Jason”, there was a reference in the film that Lori lived in Freddy’s house but the reference was cut from the theatrical release (but appears in the Deleted Scenes section of the DVD).

Cast
  Mark Patton … Jesse Walsh
  Kim Myers … Lisa Webber
  Robert Rusler … Ron Grady
  Clu Gulager … Ken Walsh
  Hope Lange … Cheryl Walsh
  Marshall Bell … Coach Schneider
  Melinda O. Fee … Mrs. Webber
  Thom McFadden … Mr. Webber
  Sydney Walsh … Kerry
  Robert Englund … Freddy Krueger

Amazon Specials!

A pesar de existir un teaser trailer en el que durante un segundo se descubre brevemente en la oscuridad el nuevo rostro de Freddy, no ha sido hasta ahora cuando hemos podido ver con mayor lujo de detalles como será la nueva cara del que sembrará el terror en la remakeada Elm Street.

click sobre la imagen para verla

Y es que se ha filtrado una fotografía de lo que según Scifiworld, que han sido los que confirman la autenticidad del nuevo look, parece ser una escultura del busto del nuevo Freddy y que aseguran que sino es al 100% igual es muy parecida.

Los responsables de esta nueva versión de “Pesadilla en Elm Street” ya dijeron en su día que le darían un nuevo aspecto al Freddy de Jackie Earle Haley, más terrorífico, más difícil de mirar y de olvidar, que querían que se aproximara mas al aspecto real que tendría una persona quemada y que no seria igual que el original de Robert Englund.

Personalmente todavía no me hago al cambio de tan mítico personaje y no dudo que Jackie Earle Haley hará un buen papel y que con toda seguridad será lo mejor de la película, pero hasta que no vea una foto oficial del personaje no me pronunciare al respecto.

A continuación os dejo el teaser trailer del flim, que se estrenará en los Estados Unidos el 30 de Abril del año que viene. Hasta entonces por lo que pueda pasar, no os durmáis…

So I promised everyone that I would give you my favorite horror movie this week … well … plans changed.  I am gonna give you the most AMAZING piece of shit I have ever seen.  I usually don’t post new movies, but this just seemed to fit MHC so well.  Starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, Zombie Strippers has the potential to be a cult classic.  It should be a cult classic for the scene involving a zombie Jenna shooting pool balls out of her snatch!

TORRENT:  Zombie Strippers!.DVDRip.(2008)

The cast of the 'V' remake

Read more HERE.

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Run! Don’t walk to your DVR and search for Zombie Strippers on SPike TV.

This over-the-top zombie flick starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund (aka Freddy Kruger) tells the story of an alternate near future in which George W. Bush is still in office (for his fourth term) along with his VP, Arnold Schwarzenegger. As you might imagine, under Bush’s continued leadership, the US military is stretched thin as it is engaged in multiple wars including the current Iraq and Afghanistan wars, which are joined by wars with the rest of the Middle East, France and Alaska. The military turns to science to help solve the recruitment issues and science answers with zombie soldiers (of course). Spoiler Alert! the zombie project gets out of hand and the zombies eventually escape the military complex and run amuck. One wayward zombie finds his way to a Nebraska strip joint where he attacks and infests a stripper. This Zombie Stripper is no mindless brain-eatting monster and although she does have a craving for living flesh, she also knows how to work the pole better than any living stripper in town.

Zombie Strippers is fun! It’s ridiculously low-budget and campy but also packed with gore, strippers and an insane stripper battle. The movie never attempts to take itself seriously, which adds to the enjoyment and fun, however, there is a philosophical conversation threaded throughout the movie (yes for real) that makes this more than the typical thoughtless SyFi channel zombie movie.

In short, if you love horror, camp, zombies and strippers then Zombie Strippers is the movie for you.

You can watch the trailer at Spike.com:
Zombie Strippers – Theatrical Trailer.

The clash of titans, the rumble of heavyweights, thunder of the monsters?

During the 1980s and early 1990s, two undead box-office titans carried along two of the most successful horror film franchises of all time. The first is a child-murderer who was burned alive by the parents of his victims only to rise again to haunt them in their dreams. He is Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund). The second is a drowning victim of some negligent camp-counselors who returns from the murky depths to punish the campers of Crystal Lake. He is Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger).

In 1993s “Jason Goes to Hell:The Final Friday”, fans drooled with excitement after they witnessed the clawed hand of Freddy drag down Jason’s hockey mask beneath the earth at the conclusion of the film. This one moment has sparked theory and speculation to if and when the clash of the infamous undead would occur.

After that event we saw a couple more entries in Jason’s series and one more in Freddy’s but no more signs of the final confrontation. Now fourteen years later after that small event, we have the movie that was promised.

In the film that finally finds the horrific titans facing-off, Freddy Krueger decides he has one last master plan on how to once again raise terror and destroy the people of Elm Street. Freddy invades the dreams of serial killer Jason Voorhees and uses Jason’s unstoppable body to slay the victims of Elm Street. Freddy’s master plan doesn’t go smooth as he becomes jealous of Jason’s power and that some Elm Street kids (Monica Keena, Katharine Isabelle and Kelly Rowland) begin fighting back against Jason. Can Freddy control Jason long enough to exact his revenge? If not how will the battle play out? Who will reign supreme?

“Freddy vs. Jason” is full of slasher clichés, ridiculous gore, outrageous stunts, and laughter-induced legacy speeches. But all these elements are what these two horror fiends have been delivering for over 20 years. Believe it or not, it has been 23 years since Jason rose from Crystal Lake in 1980. Did we also forget that New Line Cinema is infamously known as “The House that Freddy Built”? What else could one expect when you bring these two characters together?

Gore fans will love the heavyweight fight that concludes the film. There are a lot of scenes that will make fans cheer as they are brought back to previous entries in each series. There are a lot of things to like in this film for slasher fans.

As for Freddy-purists who cherish “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare” this seems like a step back for Robert Englund who finished off his horror franchise back in 1994 with “New Nightmare”.

Monica Keena, Katherine Isabelle & Kelly Rowland

That film was a great swansong for Englund and the classic character of Freddy it seems such a shame to bring him back for this brainless camp. Of all the horror characters, Freddy was least likely to be misunderstood. There was no gray area on his character; he was evil to the core. I guess in some ways I am a Freddy purist. He was always my favorite horror heavyweight.

The sad part for me was watching actresses Katharine Isabelle and Monica Keena play such rudimentary roles. They are better actresses than these characters. This isn’t the first horror film for both actresses but the first time where they seem wasted. Does any actress in Hollywood want to be the typical-cliched nude co-ed in a Jason movie?

This film is purely for gore-fans and horror-geeks but for people looking for a great scare it might be wise to wait for “Jeepers Creepers 2” or the remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. This is just one Freddy-fans opinion.

2 out of 5

So Says the Soothsayer.

Being the huge fan that I am of Robert Englund I have pur-ty much watched everything he’s done with the exception of Zombie Strippers ( a girl has to have her limits), so I am excited about this tidbit. Starting Monday, October 26th, FEARnet’s brand-new web series Fear Clinic will be on-line. I’ve got the warm and fuzzies again.

Once more so you can catch up here are the horrortales: Englund’s maniacal Dr. Andover tries to cure his patients’ darkest fears with terrifying hallucinations. The series also stars Jason aka Kane Hodder as a really messed up orderly.

Does anyone remember V: The Final Battle? Well some of you might be too young to know of it but basically it was this TV miniseries that aired in 1984. It was all about the “Visitors” (aliens) trying to take over the world.  I think I watched it a few years later but all I remember is that we were hooked!  It had spaceships, ooh a big mothership, aliens, reptiles, rats, rebels, lots of action, and drama! The title track was so good.  Oh and if you’re interested in checking out a pre-Freddy Krueger Robert Englund, he was in it too! I think “A Nightmare on Elm Street” came out the same year but after V: The Final Battle and we never felt the same about sleeping and dreaming again.  Whatever you do don’t fall asleep! Yikes!

So recently I decided to check out some of the old clips of V: The Final Battle again and I just couldn’t help but laugh a little, okay maybe a lot! ☺ For starters, the graphics now seem goofy and some of the scenes that might have creeped me out back then now just appear real funny.  For those of you who are familiar, I’m thinking especially of that alien baby scene and ooh that one scene where evil Diana gulps down a rat! Oh yes, she does!  I was so amazed and shocked as a kid. No seriously gulping down a rat without choking is an art my friend. I have to tell you though that for back then this was no laughing matter, well unless you just liked to laugh at creepy stuff and you were messed up like that but otherwise this series was a huge hit.

Here is a clip for V: The Final Battle that kind of sums up the series.

This is the only good quality clip- Just putting it up so you guys can check out the rat scene at 2:04 and you can see see Robert Englund at 0.34

Intro and Summary and the baby birthing scene around 3:09!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hX1j_NjlumE&NR=1

And I don’t know if you guys know but they’re now doing a re-make of V: The Final Battle.  This one is called “V” and it will premiere on November 9, 2009 on ABC.  The trailer looks interesting and graphics are neat but we’ll have to see if it’s as good as 80s hit version in terms of acting and storytelling. Oooh and it has Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell ) from “Lost” in it as well! Whoa are you thinking what I’m thinking? Did she really say goodbye to us forever in that deep hole? (Trying my best to avoid spoilers here) Of course this doesn’t mean she won’t be in “Lost” anymore because the fans know that really anything can happen in that show.  They sure do love to mess up with our minds and answer our questions with more questions!

Here’s the preview for the new version titled “V” -  This time the backdrop is NYC (woo hoo) as opposed to Los Angeles.

On another note, but still speaking of aliens I got an email yesterday that read “UFO seen in Saudi Arabia and Lebanon!” Apparently this was all over the net.

Wonderful, aliens are now shopping for some land in the middle east as well!  I wonder if they checked out the world and the palm tree set up in Dubai?   That’s some prime property with plenty of water and sand for their alien needs.  By the way I see two of them!

So what do you guys think? Will you check out the new “V” TV series?

My tea for the moment:  Tapal Jasmine Green Tea.  Hmm…I wonder if the aliens drink tea? Maybe something like Human green tea? uggh

Our favorite horror legend, Robert Englund has written a book. Not sure if he used Freddy’s glove to do it or not. Anyway, Englunds’s book is called, Hollywood Monster: A Walk Down Elm Street with the Man of Your Dreams . Nice title. The forward for this sure to be epic was written by two other horror power legends, Tobe Hooper and Wes Craven. Of course they did. Here are the literary-tales: ONE…TWO…FREDDY’S COMING FOR YOU….

You’ve seen him in the A Nightmare on Elm Street series — and in your darkest dreams. The sadistic killer with the flame-charred face. The knife-blade claws. The razor-sharp wit. Freddy…But you’ve never seen him like this. Unflinching. Uncensored. Unmasked.
Meet Robert Englund, the award-winning actor best known for his role as Freddy Krueger — the legendary horror icon featured on the American Film Institute’s “100 Greatest Heroes and Villains” roster — a character as unforgettable and enduring as Bela Lugosi’s Dracula and Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein. Now, for the first time, the man behind the latex mask tells his story in this captivating new memoir, published to celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first A Nightmare on Elm Street film.
You see, Robert Englund is no monster at all, but a deeply funny, charming Hollywood veteran. Packed with Robert’s hilarious stories, playful self-deprecation, and a generous helping of never-before-revealed A Nightmare on Elm Street trivia, Hollywood Monster offers an unparalleled look at the beloved film icon. With insider savvy and gallows humor, Robert recounts his audition for Wes Craven, the inspiration for Freddy’s character, the grueling makeup sessions, his soon-to-be-famous costars, the often disastrous on-set blunders, and the wave of popularity that propelled this humble California surfer kid all the way to the top.
Of course, fame and fortune as Freddy came years after the young actor shared a trailer with screen legend Henry Fonda, was punched in the face by Richard Gere, took down Burt Reynolds, and muscled his way between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sally Field, and Jeff Bridges.
But soon after his high-profile stint in the groundbreaking TV miniseries V, Robert Englund took on the most celebrated role of his career — the macabre and wisecracking killer who quickly became a household name. From the moment Freddy Krueger dragged his claws across a rusty pipe in the opening dream sequence, a legend had been unleashed — and a star was born. This is his story.
“Welcome to prime time, bitch.” — Frederick Charles Krueger, bastard son of a hundred maniacs

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon 2006
Director: Scott Glosserman
Writers: Scot Glosserman and David J. Stieve
Starring Nathan Baesel, Angela Goethals, Robert Englund, Scott Wilson, Zelda Rubinstein, Bridget Newton and Jenafer Brown

The parody and satire of the slasher genre is something that is the subject of many a horror film, to the excellent Scream series to the abhorrent stuff like Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Summer. Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon is the finest example of this specialty sub genre. I really love Scream, but this film is smarter and much more clever than that film ever aspired too. It does not take itself too seriously but when it is time to ramp up the tension and the scares it does so with gusto. It is helped by a great scrip, some excellent direction and a phenomenal cast that carries the film to its brilliant ending. It uses some great genre talent in the likes of Englund, Rubinstein and a nice cameo bit with Kane Hodder.
The plot basics are this, a documentary crew is following around Leslie Vernon (Baesal), who is a burgeoning mass murderer, following in the footsteps of Freddy, Jason and Michael. The documentary crew is headed up by Taylor Gentry (Goethals). He takes them through his planning for his big night and introduces them to his survivor girl (Brown) and his “Ahab” (Englund). But, as they delve deeper it seems everything is not as it appears and Taylor finds herself fighting for her life when she becomes the subject of Leslie’s murderous rage.
This is a amazing film that gets better with each viewing. The direction by Glosserman is great. He balances it between biting satire and a tense and scary slasher film with equal aplomb. The script is great too, I really enjoy how it takes place in a reality where Halloween, Friday the 13th and a Nightmare on Elm Street all exist. The characters are very well rounded too you really like Leslie and Eugene and cannot get enough of watching them. The cast is superb, Baesal is very quick witted and funny. He is also very good when he turns the switch and becomes the murderous psychopath. Wilson as his mentoring killer is a hoot too and I cannot mention the cast without talking about Englund as Doc Halloran, a great nod to Donald Pleasence’s Doctor Loomis from Halloween. He really gets into the manic obsessive role of that character. There is not much SFX in the film, but that works in it’s benefit, the appeal of this film is more the cerebral aspects than the visceral ones. Some people complain how this is two movies and it doesn’t mesh together well, I have to disagree. This film is a hybrid of satire like This is Spinal Tap with a classic slasher film like Friday the 13th. And I think they mesh together perfectly and there are hints throughout the film that it is turning into a slasher film. This is a far superior film to Scream and if you see one slasher satire film this is the one to see.
This one gets 5 out of 5

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...I used to be a plumber

Pela pinta do poster já devem estar a adivinhar o tipo de filme que por aqui anda. É de louvar que Jon Knautz volte a tentar revitalizar a ideia da comédia de horror, mais ao estilo Army of Darkness. Jack é um canalizador que vive ainda obcecado pela morte de seus pais e sua irmã, pelas mãos e dentes de um monstro, numa noite de verão enquanto acampavam. Vai daí, eis que se torna um jovem problemático e decide, de cada vez que o arreliam, andar à pancada. Nas suas aulas nocturnas, Jack apercebe-se da constante mudança que o seu professor de ciências opera até ao ponto de se transformar num autêntico monstro. É então que Jack decide de uma vez por todas começar a dar pancada neste tipo de criaturas e, de uma vez por todas soltar os seus pesadelos. Acreditem que vale a pena ver. Será cerca de 85 minutos bem passados. Para o próximo ano já está agendado a sequela. É de salientar que também não foi utilizado CGI no filme, sendo tudo à moda antiga. De Jon Knautz, com Robert Englund,  Trevor Matthews,  Daniel Kash,  David Fox,  Dean Hawes,  Rachel Skarsten,  James A. Woods,  Ashley Bryant,  Stefanie Drummond,  Chad Harber,  Patrick Henry,  Meghanne Kessels,  Meg Charette,  Kristyn Butcher e Andrew Butcher.

Ei, Jim Henson. Será que dá para me dares o lugar de Águia Careca no Muppet Show?

Vale a pena deixar de ver a bola e a caneca da cerveja a aquecer para ver isto

A documentary crew is allowed to follow the ‘next great’ serial killer as he explains his rules, his life and his plan to murder a group of teens.

Directed by – Scott Glosserman

Written by – Scott Glosserman, David J. Stieve

Starring – Nathan Baesel, Angela Goethals, Robert Englund, Scott Wilson, Zelda Rubinstein, Bridgett Newton, Kate Lang Johnson, Ben Pace, Britain Spellings, Hart Turner, Krissy Carlson, Travis Zariwny, Teo Gomez, Matt Bolt, Jenafer Brown, Kane Hodder

I loved and hated this movie all at the same time and I’m still undecided on whether that’s a valid opinion or not. I’ll start with what I loved.

The first hour of the movie is basically a documentary crew following Leslie Vernon around as he plans his killing spree. Every minute was full of fun for this part. Leslie explains the rules of the serial killer, name drops Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers, (since the film places them in reality) introduces us to his inspiration who is a retired serial killer and walks the film crew, step by step, through his plan of action. What’s so great about this is there’s little explanations for the reasons these killers do what they do. Why is a closet a safe place to hide, the workouts to be able to look like you’re walking and still keep up with the running victims and the imagery behind things like the weapons the victims choose to use against the killer or the woods they run into.

It’s an explanation of all the horror movie cliches and it works perfectly. It almost gives you new respect for the endless amounts of times you’ve had to watch those cookie cutter kids get slaughtered in the woods. It’s smart, funny, creepy and a hell of a good time to watch. Most of that credit is going to Nathan Baesel in the role of Leslie Vernon. He plays the role perfectly with the right balance of good and evil, so well in fact that I really liked him and was cheering for him.

Leslie introduces us to his role model.

While the first hour was great, I was disappointed by the last half hour. Here’s where it turns into a typical slasher flick. That wouldn’t be so bad normally but the first hour was so smart and creative that it made the last half hour seem even more brainless than it was. I guess I was expecting too much since the movie is about a slasher and the last half hour is a slasher flick. The most annoying part about that final half hour is the fact that the last thing the film crew asks about is how you really would escape one of these serial killers and then ten minutes later they can’t even take the advice.

The film crew becomes part of the film.

Looking back on it now, it all makes sense. The victims act the way they do because they always do. No amount of advice could change that. Overall it’s still a great movie, much better than plenty of other horror flicks I’ve watched lately. It’s basically two movies in one. The first part is the documentary and that’s the superior part, the second half is good old fashioned slasher movie. Not quite as good as the first part but it brings back memories of the good old days. It’s not going to turn the genre on its head but it’ll give you something to think about the next time you watch those dumb teenagers head for the barn when they’re being chased by the latest psycho.

Under the marquee – Will

Zombie Strippers

“Let’s see if I got this straight – our best stripper is a reanimated corpse who is feeding off the living flesh of our customers, who in turn reanimate, even if they’re just a fucking head?”

Dear Lovefilm,

I know that you do your utmost to provide a great service, but occasionally I do have to complain. This postal strike, although entirely not your fault is frankly getting on my nerves. Please remove finger from backside and send me more schlocky goodness.

Yours,

Jarv.

In all seriousness, this was meant to be a review of something else, but is now a review of Zombie Strippers: the film that does exactly what it says on the tin. They’re strippers and they’re the living dead. That’s it, the whole premise of the film.

Kind of cool, eh?

Zombie Strippers does, believe it or not, make a token attempt at a plot. It is a bit pointless on the basis that the whole film is about undead exotic dancers, but I suppose it would get a bit dull to look at decaying feeders for 90 minutes.

Probably…….

Maybe…….

Possibly……

Alright then, it most likely would not, but we will never get the chance to find out now.

Nonetheless, in this exploitative little gem they go to great lengths to establish motivation for the zombies. Motivation, for fuck’s sake! Next thing we will see is zombies in need of therapy. This would be terrible. A zombie should have no more motivation than “braiiiiiins”.

Zombie Strippers opens in a military complex, where they have been experimenting with some sort of serum. The serum turns men into mindless zombie drones, but if a woman is infected she becomes extremely good, bordering on superb, at her one main skill. Anyhow, one of the soldiers (male) becomes infected and escapes the complex (it does look like it’s set in downtown LA). Being male he hides out in the first welcoming place, which is the brilliantly sited strip bar next door. Horny soldiers and nerds next to a strip bar! That place should be a goldmine. Everything then becomes pretty predictable with the dancers becoming infected and chowing down on idiotic men before all being re-killed by some soldiers that took, bizarrely, days to travel the total distance of 8 feet to the bar.

What is good about this? Well, I know this sounds a bit unlikely but actually quite a lot. The acting is surprisingly good, and it is also surprisingly sharp. Robert Englund (slumming it again) is absolutely incredible as the sleazy owner Ian and steals the film wholesale. He’s fucking hilarious, with minor OCD and fear of catching something from the disease ridden whores in his stable. This is unfair, they aren’t disease ridden at the start. They become disease ridden, but he did jump the gun a touch. Jenna Jameson as head stripper, Kat, is good-ish but you suspect that this is the role she was born to play, and Roxy Saint is excellent as the goth stripper. Joey Medina is very, very funny as Paco the Mexican cleaner charged with disposing of the victims. All in all it is a well acted film. Paco is the brunt of lots of ethnically charged jokes, which to be honest are all quite funny. A good comic relief performance.

The gore is also brilliantly done, and the gradual decomposition of the girls is handled well. It’s fucking repulsive the state they are in at the end. There are several excellent effects that they wheel out to prove they could, but I do have to say that there is a nasty whiff of CGI in this film. CGI has no place in a zombie film. There is nothing a computer can do in a zombie film that can’t be done more convincingly with practical effects. Irritating but not a deal breaker.

As this is a film that’s more awesome than good, it is pretty obvious that there is going to be a high level of suckitude present. And, predictably, there is. Almost all of it stems from overinflated ambitions. This is not high art, and tacking on a fucking stupid, useless, brainless, laughable (but not in a good way) social commentary is just going to highlight the flaws in the film. The film opens with an attempt at biting satire that certainly does bite.

We are told that this is now George Bush’s 4th term (I am yet to meet an American that actually voted for him. I am certain there must be some out there, he did win twice, after all) and he has disbanded democracy. In fact, here is the whole narration:

George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush’s presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as “totally cool” by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was “cramping his style.” American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

How fucking smug and cuntish is that? It is also deeply disingenuous. There’s the smart-arsed pop culture reference to President Arnie, the fucking awful attempt at current events with the wars and the ludicrous and annoying “Cramping his style” and “Supreme Kegger” shit that may be funny to a socially retarded 12 year old, but to anyone else is the antithesis of “kewl”. The whole quote is just sneering garbage and really sets the film off on the wrong foot. They compound this error by handing out wannabe clever names such as Byrdflough to the characters. Just. Fuck. Off.

To make matters worse the first half an hour is dull beyond belief. It is a film called Zombie Strippers. It is not called “Soldiers twat around in a corridor”. It doesn’t get remotely interesting until the action makes it to the strip club. Once it does make it to the strip club, the film does step up a gear, but I was sorely contemplating turning it off.

However, despite the relatively high level of suckitude in the first half, if you do persevere then the second half is a real treat. The zombie strippers themselves are funny and the climax of the film, including a zombie recreation of the legendary ping-pong ball cannon, only using pool balls, is worth the price of admission by itself. Paco’s dash for glory is wonderfully funny, despite a horrid level of self awareness, as he wheels out every Mexican cliché in existence before charging into the hoard, and I challenge anyone not to wince at Englund’s demise. Yuck.

And, obviously, there’s nudity galore in this film. It is about strippers after all. This was going to be NSFW, but I couldn’t find the ping-pong image. Sorry.

Overall, would I recommend it? Yes. It is good fun, and once you manage to wade through the highly disappointing first section, a good laugh to boot. The second half of this film is what Rodriguez was aiming at with Planet Terror- good, dirty, schlocky fun.

the Director of Poltergeist, horror star Robert Englund, and based off of a Stephen King short story…you would think that The Mangler would be a masterpiece!

Detective John Hunton is investigating an iron folding machine that has found a taste for eating people. While he tries to solve the mystery, Bill Gartley, the owner, wants to find new victims for his machine.

on the contrary, this was a painful movie to get through.  too much overacting, slow moving at times, and really sweet kill scenes, The Mangler was an overall disappointment. i am a HUGE Robert Englund fan, and although is character was entertaining, it wasn’t enough to captivate me.

perhaps the premise alone (a killing laundry machine) should have raised questions and doubt in my mind.

looking forward to tonight’s horror film!  no spoilars, i’ll tell you all about it tomorrow!

<3 kt

Let’s face it, horror film remakes are going to keep happening. Platinum Dunes is making sure of that, don’t you know? Why? Because they can. Whether or not it is sacrilege or blasphemy or even necessary is not the point anymore. Sooner or later, your favorite flick is going to get a remake/reboot/re-imagining/retardening. Hell, David Cronenberg is remaking his own remake. Presenting, David Cronenberg’s David Cronenberg’s The Fly! Egh? How weird is that?

I’m sure everyone knows that a Nightmare on Elm Street remake is in the works. (If not, then now you know. Good for you.) Yes, they’re bringing back the bastard son of 100 maniacs – Freddy Krueger. Sadly, Robert Englund isn’t reprising the role. That job is Jackie Earl Haley’s now and boy, has he got huge shoes to fill. I’m a fan, obviously. Hello, we don’t own the special edition collection just because it looks badass.

Well, fuck me sideways. It looks impressive that I actually want to see it. But then, I’m easily impressed. I felt the same way when I saw the trailer for Friday the 13th. If there’s anything I’ve learned from Platinum Dunes trailers, they’re nothing but a big ball of lie. A shiny one-minute-and-30-second lie. But yeah, we’ll see.

So, Haley as the new Freddy. I bet a handful die-hard fans of the franchise are pretty pissed about Robert Englund not playing the part. While I agree that nobody can ever replace Englund, we have to accept that he’s too old to return to our nightmares. Hey, he said it himself. You can’t really blame the guy, he’s pushing 60 for fuck’s sake. I understand the disappointment but I don’t see why we can’t just be grateful that he gave us eight fucking movies as Freddy. If we can’t have the best, the second best would have to do. Haley is the way to go, dude’s fucking creepy as hell.

I remember this rumor about Billy Bob Thornton playing Freddy and I was all, are you fucking kidding me? Now THAT is blasphemy. A certain Rooney Mara is playing Nancy and I read that Thomas Dekker is also included in the cast.

Wesley Strick (Doom, The Glass House) wrote the screenplay and Samuel Bayer is directing. He’s a musical video director and this is his first full-length feature film so let’s all cross our fingers. I feel dirty for saying this but if you’re interested, head over to Brad Fuller’s blog for updates on the movie.

One two, Freddy’s coming for you
Three four, better lock your doors
Five six, grab your crucifix
Seven eight, gonna stay up late
Nine ten, never sleep again

I watched an awesome documentary on the first Fangoria “Weekend of Horrors” horror convention. If you have any serious interest in horror movies, and want to see interviews with people like Tobe Hooper and Dan O’Bannon in their primes, this is a must-see. While watching it, I had several very important epiphanies:

Boner and Pavel Chekov!

1. “Boner” from Growing Pains is CHEKOV’S SON. He was just saying something cheesy to the camera, and then he’s like, “I brought my dad here because he likes this stuff,” and then he turns around and it’s Walter Koenig?! That is basically the twist ending to this documentary, even though it happens in the middle.

2. Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) was actually pretty hot in a nerdy 80s kind of way. Tobe Hooper was not bad-looking either. Rick Baker was okay too.

(Robert Englund obviously)

3. I will never find love and am destined to die alone, because 99% of people with interests similar to mine are totally friggin weird. I mean, I am a little odd, but manage quite well in the real world, and you probably wouldn’t guess that I had this intense love of horror movies if I didn’t tell you. It’s not something I wear on my sleeve. Seriously, though, it appears my options are majorly limited.

Just look at these marriageable young bachelors:

If you could hear him, he would be telling you about how he really, really likes puppets, and although he only won 3rd place in the short film competition this year with his boring and weird puppet video, NEXT year he is going to come back and win 1st, 2nd, AND 3rd place.

"Some films just have tasteless blood and guts...those films where you see girls getting hacked up in bed, those are okay." - said with a creepy laugh

"I AM blood and guts, you know? It's my whole life."

I know this documentary was filmed 24 years ago, but I have a feeling not much has changed in that regard.