For those of you who missed last night’s Tigers game, you missed a decent brawl by baseball standards. At least there was contact in this one, unlike so many of the “fights” that occur in baseball. Here is the gist of what happened. Cabrera was hit in the second and had to leave the game. Porcello, like a good pitcher should, responded. He hit Youkilis square in the back which resulted in a little altercation at the mound. Youkilis charged and was embarrassed in front of his home crowd as Porcello threw him over his hip like he was a sack of potatoes. It was a pretty solid move. YouTube already has it covered:  It then escalated into what all brawls turn into in baseball. One guy on each team wants to go, but there are 75 guys holding him back on each team. After realizing that Rick Porcello needs a nickname, the fight got me thinking. 

Baseball brawls should be as fun as hockey fights. Whenever there is good a chance people are going to punch each other in the face it is entertaining. The UFC runs their whole business on this premise. Yet, baseball fights lack the excitement of any other fight on the planet. I would rather watch kids in the sandbox duke it out before watching 90% of baseballs scuffles. The problem is that it is lawless. All good fights have a set of written or unwritten rules. Even hockey fights have rules that are rarely violated: One-on-One fights only; no gloves, no sticks, no helmets; no kicks; If the guys is injured or down you stop; you don’t talk about Fight Club. Ok I made that last one up. But seriously you don’t. After hours of YouTube videos, I am here to bring some order and exhilaration to the baseball fight.

Rule #1: The pitcher stays on the mound and fights like a man. Not only is this the most important rule, it is also an excuse to show the Rod Allen video again: That is not how a brawl should go. Think about how much better that video would have been had Allen caught the little Japanese man and reverse suplexed him over his head. It would be shown at the end of every Sports Center segment, regardless of topic. Seriously though, if you’re a pitcher you know what could happen if you hit this guy square in the back with a 95 MPH fastball. Don’t run away. Stand there and have a little honor. Even Porcello ran galloped toward the first baseline before showing Youkilis what was up. That’s unacceptable. Nolan Ryan, the greatest fighting pitcher of all time just stood there, waited for whoever the punk was to reach him and promptly kicked the bejesus out of him. Fight with some pride pitchers, you can take the hitters.

#2 No extraneous equipment. Pitchers drop the glove, Hitter’s drop the bat, take off the helmet and then charge the mound. Taking the bat with you goes a little too far. Wielding your bat turns it into a mob hit while throwing your helmet at the pitcher, like Youkilis did last night, makes you look like a wuss. The charge is fun without the helmet. That split second where no one knows if the hit batsman is going low for the tackle or aiming for the head on a running hay maker is top 5 the most exciting split second in a baseball season. Hitters also look tougher when they take the only protective equipment they are wearing off before going into a bar-knuckle grudge match.

#3 Pitcher and hitter take the first fight one-on-one. As funny as it is to pull a Mo Vaughn, the pitcher and hitter are the ones who started the donnybrook, they should at least get what they came out there to do. If you really want to take someone down be pro-active and get another fight going before the first one breaks up. That way it will spread out the skirmishes and the umpires and managers can’t quell the fights as easily. After the first fight though, it is fair game on anybody.

#4 Catchers stay out of it. I know the catchers are supposed to stick up for their pitchers and all of that crap but if the pitcher is going to get pummeled he should not have plunked the hitter. Even if the catcher wanted to get in the middle of the scrum he couldn’t with all the equipment he was wearing. It wouldn’t be fair for him not to feel body shots the same body shots he is dishing out. The only thing catchers should do is run some interference on the umpires. Remember in Making the Band 2(The DA BAND years) when Ness and Freddie P were fighting and Babs was yelling “Let’em Fight! Let’em Fight,” while the producers were trying to break it up. That is what the catchers should do. All you catchers out there just be Babs…and don’t run into Izzy Alcantra:

#5 The bullpen should be ready to fight at all time. This is essential. Brawls go from ok to spectacular when the bullpen gets involved. The very nature of the bullpen condones fighting. A bunch of guys in a giant cage just sitting around doing nothing should be strategizing on what they are going to do when they get the chance. We should be seeing WWE tag team moves from the middle reliever and bullpen catcher. Who cares if your bullpen catcher gets a 50 game suspension for dropkicking Big Papi?  He will be a hero in the team’s hometown. The two most important things teams should look for when staffing their bullpen should be balls and/or speed. The guys in bullpen have to hustle to get into the fray before it is too late. Either that or they have to have the testicular fortitude to pull a Bertuzzi (without the slamming of the guy headfirst into the ground) after everything is settled down. Oh and if you don’t want to fight stay in the bullpen. There is nothing more disgraceful in a brawl than half-heartedly jogging into the television screen five minutes after the commotion has died down. Chan Ho Park should be on a major league roster until he is 50 with his crazy karate moves (scroll down for video). That is what a relief pitcher should be, absolutely crazy. 

This is by no means is the complete list of rules. I undoubtedly forgot some important rules, but it should get us started. Use these five simple rules and baseball brawls go from thoroughly disappointing to entertaining everytime. This time you won’t be scared of getting your hopes up because they won’t destroyed by a big pile of conversing opponents not punching each other. I just wish I saved the art of the baseball fight before Rick Porcello went to town on Youkilis.

After my Rod Allen post I feel obligated to do a thorough break down of Mario Impemba for all the bandwagon fans. A couple of weeks from now and every 17 year-old girl will be decked out from head to toe in Tigers gear. Their facebook statuses will be full of “watching the Tigers,” “Granderson is awesome!,” etc. Then once the Tigers start to struggle everyone will forget about them. Does anyone else remember the Pistons? Before this year The Palace was the place to be seen. All the cool kids were Piston fans. They struggle this year and everyone pretends like the Pistons left town. Anywho, let’s get back to the point, with these bandwagon fans in mind coupled with my inability to provide any sort of hardhitting analysis we comeback to Mario Impemba.

Mario has been an enigma since he came over from Anaheim in a trade that sent a jelly donut and a carton of orange juice to the Angels. My biggest problem with Rod Allen’s “paartner” is that I can’t decide if he is good or not. He does an good job calling the game, nothing spectacular. Also, he actually works well with Rod, not stepping on his toes and he also does not fall into the trap of providing a lot of color analysis himself. But if you take away quirky Rod Allen from his side and he looks to be an average announcer at best.

The biggest problem is he’s just not a big game announcer. Exhibit A:

Whether that was fake excitement or real excitement is not the point, he just doesn’t have the talent. I can’t just hear his call and be instantly brought back to those great moments. There is no shame in not being able to rise to the occasion for the big game, only a select few can. HOWEVA being a big game announcer could be huge this season. The Tigers are primed for a playoff run and like all the players, announcers have to bring it for the full season whether it means the playoffs or not. For a 162 games Mario is a decent announcer but from game #163 and beyond I am concerned about his ability to step up with the clutch call. Maybe that playoff experience in 2006 helped him out. Let’s hope so.

Mario makes all the calls he is supposed to make. Think of him like a Chris Osgood without the experience. He does what he is supposed to but if you are counting on him to steal a few games you may be in trouble. HOWEVA (again), he could sneak out of this season without embarrasment. The Tigers don’t have the hitting that they did in 2006 and it is improbable that Magglio is going to hit a walk-off home run in the ALCS to send the team to it’s first world series in 22 years. Considering it has been only three years since the Tigers made the World Series, it is highly unlikely that happens agains. So if Mario can avoid the walkoff hits and no hitters he can do well in the playoffs. Maybe that is just what Mario is. The king of the regular season, but can’t handle the playoffs.

In other words he is A-Rod without the roids.

As the baseball season goes into its stretch run I feel obligated to give you some sort of breakdown of the team. However, I’m no Peter Gammons or even Karl Ravech so I can’t really provide any insight you haven’t heard before on the team. I can however provide you the only hard-hitting breakdown on the announcing team in the history of baseball. Tonight we tackle to delightful Rod Allen.

He came over from the Arizona booth in a conditional trade that sent cash and an umpire fantasy draft pick to the Diamond Backs and has been a staple in the Tiger booth ever since. His short baseball career did yield a ring in 1984 as a member of your Detroit Tigers (he played 15 games), and that adds a little respectability to his comments. Those comments during the game work well most of the time. He can set up the situation well and is actually very good at predicting the strategic moves of the game. Very rarely does he chime in with a Tim McCarver like comment that doesn’t make any sense.

His sayings aren’t for everybody however. We all know that Mario is Rod’s “paartner,” and that Marcus Thames in “country strong,” and Miguel Cabrera is an “old school type of hitter.” We also remember that former Tigers such as Rondell White are ”professional hitters.” I do like when he addresses ”you kids at home,” he is always thinking of the children and I respect that. But despite all of his strengths in game he struggles mightily in that time before or after the game when they have 2 minutes to introduce or recap the game.  His fake smile doesn’t fool me. Its terrible, once you realize it you cannot look away. If you have TiVo pause it at any point in which he is smiling during the pre-game introduction. His poorly executed smile will be burned into your mind. Every time you close your eyes, Rod’s face will jump out at you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. On the other hand, he does a nice job with the look over while Mario is talking. He looks, he nods, he pretends he is listening, it’s a solid performance all around. That doesn’t make up for the smile, or his generic comments. Every now and then he’ll say something interesting but mostly he just recaps what happened yesterday. Hey, that may be what he is told to do, I don’t know, but I don’t like it. On the whole I give an average performance on those parts of his game. A major step down from his in-game analysis, which I thoroughly enjoy.

The one weak spot in his game announcing is the “scouting report” on the pitchers. First of all it’s half scouting report and half season summary on the pitcher. And the graphics, they are horrible. I don’t know if Rod picks them or someone else but who ever picks it needs have a good talking to. Luckily I’m here to do it. Let’s take a look at what it said when Minnesota’s Carl Pavano was on the mound August 8: ”Newly Acquired,” “Successful Season,” “Trouble with the corners.” Ok the first two just aren’t interesting. About anyone who checks ESPN.com knew Pavano was traded. The “Successful Season” was ok I guess since it was the legendary Pavano, but I could have done without it. “Trouble with the Corners” turned out to be that Pavano had trouble with the corner outfielders on the Tigers. That can legitimately be a part of the scouting report. Why can’t the others be “retooled offspeed pitch,” “control issues.” Wouldn’t that tell you a lot more about Pavano that “newly acquired?” Rod would be able to expand those a lot more as well. Come on Rod that is just laziness.

Don’t get it twisted, I like Rod Allen. I will ”take him…without question,” just like anybody struggling at the plate will take a hit ”without question,” according to Rod. I’m just scared if I make fun of him too much he will come after me. He himself is “country strong.” He also has a little bit of a reputation too. Look for yourself, that’s him in the batter’s box: 

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Here is something that I enjoy: win-quality pitching resulting in a win for the team and an actual Win for the starter. Simple, poetic, just, sane, and not as common as it should be when it comes to the Tigers. But on Friday Edwin Jackson pitched a win-worthy game (7 innings, 1 run on 4 hits and 2 walks), the bats put up a few runs early on Cliff Lee, and the bullpen did not manage to Ruin Everything. Awwwwwww yea.

–This is the Negro Leagues Tribute Weekend (the tribute game itself is Saturday), and there was some sort of passing-of-the-bat ceremony before tonight’s game. The bat was passed along and signed by Willie Horton, Rod Allen, Marcus Thames, and Curtis Granderson. Now, I love Rod Allen, you all know that, but one of these things is not like the others…

–Polanco was wearing the Breathe Right strip again.

–Edwin Jackson never ices his arm after starts. Edwin Jackson does not believe in inflammation, or ice.

–Granderson was supposed to have the entire night off, but had to come in when Josh Anderson took a direct hit off the right tricep. It immediately swelled up and turned reddish purple, and Anderson kept flexing his fingers like he was losing feeling in them. He took his base and tried to stay in the game, but he probably couldn’t throw, so Grandy had to come in after the inning ended.

Quoth Rod Allen: “He’s tryin’ to run that one off. You can’t run that one off, young man.”

–Ryan Garko hit a ball off of Jackson, right around his hip/butt. The ball practically soared over to first, I guess because Edwin Jackson has a rubber butt. Garko made the bad decision to dive instead of running through the base, so Miggy had plenty of time to get him out.

–No players at all had multi-hit games today. On both sides, everyone who got a hit got only that one hit. There were 11 hits total between the two teams.

–Rod Allen: “Laird out there to conversate.”

–Is Joe Smith the most anonymous pitcher ever, or is Joe Smith the most anonymous pitcher ever? He has absolutely no defining characteristics except for his weird submarinish delivery. Seriously though, just try to describe him. He’s a clean-shaven generic white middle reliever named Joe freakin’ Smith. Amazing. Even his ERA is a middle-reliever-tolerably-average 4.58.

–Joel Zumaya came in, threw a couple of pitches, and started shaking his hand. The trainer ran out. Zoom had a cut on his thumb, which had opened up and was bleeding. He had to come out of the game, but in the dugout after he just had a little bandaid on it, so it probably wasn’t too bad, just bad enough to prevent him from pitching.

He was 2-0 on the batter when he was pulled, and Bobby Seay allowed the walk, which was charged to Zoom. So Zoom had the curious experience of throwing two pitches total, and officially issuing a walk.

–The River Thames hit a homerun in the 8th. Coming back into the dugout he high-fived everyone except for Jim Leyland. He shook Leyland’s hand.

When he hit it my dad said, “Country strong!” LITERALLY NOT FIVE SECONDS LATER Rod Allen said, “That was country strong!”

–Clete Thomas only wears a batting glove on his bottom hand, I don’t know that I had noticed that before.

–Words you never, ever want to hear: “It’ll be Fernando Rodney. It’s a non-save situation.” Did Fernando pull us out of this one? Yes. Did Fernando make it unnecessarily stressful and close? YES.

The game was 5-1 when Fernando came in. The first batter of the inning reached on an error. The second batter walked on four pitches. So there were two men on, nobody out. Rick Knapp came out to share his thoughts on the situation.

The third and fourth batters flew out. Two men on, two outs. The fifth batter had a middlingly long at-bat with a couple of big, heart-attack-inducing foul balls, then walked.

THE TYING RUN CAME TO THE PLATE.

So, yeah, whatever, the sixth batter grounded out to end the game. That’s not the point. The point is that a potentially game-tying situation NEVER SHOULD HAVE ARISEN, but it DID, because Fernando Rodney hates me and feeds upon my suffering.

–Brandon Inge might be in the Home Run Derby. I CAN’T EVEN. I am flailing. I don’t even know what to say, except for HOLY CATS and LOL FOREVER.

photo by Samara Pearlstein

That game was long, and I am tired. Also the outcome was miserable, and Joe Crede is a bad man who should be sent away. The announcers kept referring to him as a ‘tiger killer’. Do you know what they call tiger killers in the rest of the world? They call them POACHERS and they are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, because their tiger killing activities are ILLEGAL. If only we could be so enlightened in this country.

Anyways. Because I am yawntacular like that cat up top, we’re just gonna have bullet points tonight.

the GOOD:

–Dontrelle did not get the loss.

–Despite the fact that he gave up four runs in 4.2 innings, Dontrelle didn’t actually look THAT bad. He only walked two guys, and more than half of the pitches he threw were strikes. Since walks were a major component of his previous struggles, this is a good sign.

He also was sharply alert on the mound, including a rather nicely fielded comebacker that he turned into a double play. He did sort of rainbow the throw to second, and I guess he was kind of soft-lobbing to the bases all night (I didn’t see the start of the game due to work), which is a little worrisome, but… eh. In general he seemed confident on the mound. He got upset about bad pitches (or what he perceived as bad calls), and he seemed very upset when he was pulled from the game, but shortly after that he was joking around with guys on the bench, doing the handshakes and everything, so I think he was fine and I was happy to see it.

I am a sucker for Dontrelle smiling, I can admit it.

–The Vomcast High and Low Speed Pitches on Joel Zumaya (in an inning where he had yet to throw a breaking pitch) were 100 for the high, and 98 for the low. At one point he hit 101 on the FSN gun, and must have hit at least 100 on the ‘dome gun, because everyone in the crowd said, “Ooooooooo.”

–Home runs from Inge, Cabrera, and Larish. The balls hit by Inge and Cabrera were enormous. The Larish homer was not quite so big, but hey, they’re all the same distance in the box score.

–Adam Everett had a pretty good game, going 2-for-6 with two RBI (originally one RBI, but an error was taken off the board during the game, so he got the second one) and a stolen base. He was right in the thick of the Tiger rallies, providing offense in a slot from which we expect basically no offense.

–A stolen base and a triple for Granderson, who went 3-for-6 with a walk. He scored a (at the time go-ahead) run in the top of the 13th by edging down the third baseline and freaking Jesse Crain out enough to make him balk.

–After Joe Nathan had skipped a slider in the dirt that came up and hit catcher Mike Redmond right around the armpit, Rod Allen had this to say: “It bit him. Got some of that baby fat.”

–Matt Tolbert’s at-bat music is Zombie by the Cranberries. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I mean, I am impressed, but also somewhat perplexed.

–Edwin Jackson and Ramon Santiago were sitting next to one another in the dugout, wearing rally caps. But neither one had done it properly. Jackson had basically folded his hat in half and set it far back on his head, so the brim was pointing straight up. Santiago’s hat was also sort of halved and set sideways on his head.

–Rod Allen, about the fact that Scott Baker and Justin Verlander (Thursday’s starters) were probably already home and in bed:

-Rod: “Probably at home… tucked in under the sheets, in their PJs.”

-[to Mario] “You don’t wear PJs, do you?”

-Mario: “Um…. no. Ha ha, that’s a loaded question, right there.”

-Rod: “You almost said yes! You almost said yes! I bet you do have some PJs in the hotel.

–Did Rod seriously call Sardinha ‘”the pineapple”? Did that really happen?

the BAD:

–Jim Leyland got ejected for screaming at homeplate ump Paul Schrieber. Magglio had just been called out and objected to that; he turned around to talk to Schrieber, who listened for like 0.3 seconds before putting his hand on Magglio’s back and pushing, as if to direct him back to the dugout. It was like what you do with Little Leaguers.

Leyland, naturally, took exception to this, and came exploding out of the dugout in a rage.

–The Tigers used everyone in the bullpen except, I think, for Nate. Zoom threw over 45 pitches, who knows when he’ll be available again. And Thursday is a day game, so the turnaround is extra short. If Verlander can be sickeningly efficient, this won’t much matter. If not… we may have problems.

–Bobby Seay was removed mid-batter (1-2 count) for no immediately discernible reason.

–Dontrelle, while not THAT bad, was also not quite THAT good. I mean, there WERE the four runs. In under five innings.

–Joe Crede. Brandon Lyon was real sad in the dugout after, all hanging his head and refusing to talk to anyone else on the team while they all made their way down into the clubhouse.

–Did Rod seriously call Sardinha ‘”the pineapple”? Did.. did that really happen?

photo by Samara Pearlstein

I am tired and sick, so you get disjointed thoughts tonight! Wicked.

– Poor Arrrrrrmando. He just did not have his stuff, or anyone else’s stuff for that matter. There was an overall lack of Stuff in all its forms, unless you’re talking bad, struggly Stuff, in which case there was plenty. I will say that I am moderately impressed by his ability to stay in the game and get through 5 complete innings despite all his troubles. That was encouraging. It really looked like he was going to be gone before the third inning even ended, so, good on you for that, Arrrrrmando.

He needs the encouragement, he looked really, REALLY mad at himself when he was sitting on the bench after he had been pulled.

– CURTIS GRANDERSON IS MAGNIFICENCE PERSONIFIED. Did you see that first inning leadoff home run? Did you see that third inning leadoff home run? Did you see that Curtis Granderson is amazing in most every way? Yes, you saw that. Unless you have vision problems, in which case you heard it.

Or maybe you were not watching or listening to the game, in which case, if you’re a Tigers fan, you know it already anyways.

– Early in the game Carlos Guillen got to first base. He had one of his back pockets hanging out, as he generally does. This is, of course, a technical violation of the uniform code and some umpires will order a player to tuck his pocket(s) back in, but there are a number of them who prefer it for some superstitious baseballian reason and always try to get away with it.

Andy Van Slyke was standing directly behind him. When Carlos reached the bag, Van Slyke casually glanced over at the first base umpire, then reached down and, entirely without comment, delicately TUCKED GUILLEN’S POCKET BACK IN FOR HIM. I nearly died.

– Tim Timmons has Issues.

– A number of Rod-isms in this one.

After Inge’s “RBI single” in the second, which was a ball thrown away by Weaver:

Rod: Woah! Is it Inge’s birthday today or something?

(some chatter about the badness of the call, including Rod declaring it one of the worst scoring decisions he’s ever seen)

Rod: Don’t write it down [on your scorecard] in pen.

Mario: (plaintively) But I just did.

Rod: Get some whiteout!

Rod: Napoli’s not a small boy, anyways.

After Mario said something about Galarraga’s “laborious” third inning:

Rod: You get that word from Bill Brown?

Mario: Every time I use a word with more than one syllable, Bill Brown comes up.

Bill Brown is the travel secretary and is apparently some sort of wordsmith. Or at least what passes for a wordsmith among baseball men, which means that he uses words with more than one syllable.

After a shot of the Tigers dugout, with empty cups and other such debris strewn all over the ground:

Rod: What a messy dugout!

Mario: (laughs)

Rod: Don’t be afraid to put your cups in the trash, kids!

There was also a longish discussion of Chone Figgins’ name, and how it’s pronounced “Shawn” but spelled weirdly, and is actually DeChone (although really he’s Desmond DeChone), and how Rod called him “ch`own”, sensibly rhyming with “cone,” the first time he called a game where Figgins played, and so on. It was tolerably funny, but I didn’t transcribe the whole thing. Sorry.

– While this game was going on I doodled cartoon!me, holding up an April in the D sign, and then smashing it to bits. When they sing “Apriiiiiiill, in the D! Tigers!!” with ‘Tigers’ in that quieter but still sickeningly enthusiastic tone, I want to just lie down on the floor in front of the TV and die. I feel it is important to share that.

– Guillen was 3-for-4. Maybe he needs Andy Van Slyke to tuck his pocket back in every game. It could be good luck.

– Brandon Inge made some really nice defensive plays, including line-drive catches and a spectacular throw home, while in midair and falling away from the play, to get an Angel at the plate. You all know my thoughts on Brandon Inge; I have stuck with him through thick and thin and .200 batting averages, so y’all can just cram it, look upon his mighty works and despair, haterz. Snap snap.

– Still working on Seattle photos. Have no fear! Game photo posts are forthcoming.

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Let us forget the first game of the season. Yes. Wipe it from our minds. I vote that we instead make the home opener the official first game. Don’t you think that would be much more appropriate? In case you have forgotten:

season opener (road)

–Justin Verlander gently sobs, goes 3.2 innings, gives up 8 runs

–Juan Rincon secures a 27.00 ERA for himself

–two Tigers errors, including one from a player acquired specifically for his defense (Everett)

–game delay as rowdy fans throw things onto the field

–damn Canada

–loss, 12-5

home opener

–Armando Galarraga goes 7 innings, gives up 1 run, strikes out a career-high 8

–all three opposing pitchers made to feel very bad about themselves

–Miguel Cabrera hits a grand slam, has 6 RBI on the day

–Detroit fans do nothing to impede the game in any way

–win, 15-2

Yes, I do believe I know which game I will be choosing to remember.

We could not have Verlander start this game because he had ‘earned’ the ‘honor’ of opening the season proper. We could not have little Frederick start this game because he is seven years old. We could not have Zach Miner start this game because he is Zach Miner. Armando was the only option, and he rose to the challenge admirably. Gloriously. With strikeouts and dramatically stern facial expressions. He should have had a cape attached to his jersey, so that he could swirl it for effect after each K. It could be navy blue velvet with a giant Olde English D on the back in white. If this would not making pitching so much more difficult I would petition for its addition to Armando’s uniform RIGHT NOW.

Maybe he gets an extra kick out of showing Texas how wrongity-wrong-wrong they were to trade him away? I support your quest for revenge through better living, Armando!

Miguel Cabrera also had a game of glory. Although I wouldn’t expect him to remain on precisely this pace (11 hits and 3 homers in 5 games), it is more likely that he will continue to hit than, say, Inge (although Inge was 1-for-3 with 2 runs scored and 2 walks today, so… shut up!).

The crowning touch, of course, was the fourth inning grand slam, which came with two outs in the inning. Magglio had just struck out, and the Tigers had stranded a whole bunch of cats on the bases in the previous inning, so I was all set to write 500 incoherent words about leaving men on base and how it’s bad for the environment or something. The Puma to the rescue!

After Cabrera’s grand slam:

Rod Allen: I’m gonna go out on a limb here, podner.

Mario Impemba: MVP?

Rod: Player of the Week!

Mario: Ha ha, that’s not a very long limb!

Rod: I’m gonna write it on my ballot!

I missed Rod Allen this winter, I will not lie. Orestes Destrade helped to fill some of the void, but it is like two different but equally delicious flavors of ice cream. The presence of one is enjoyable, but at the end of the day if you have a hankering for mint chocolate chip, you’re still gonna want that mint chocolate chip.

Rod was also in fine form during last night’s game:

“[Michael] Barrett’s putting down a series of signs, I’m not smart enough to know what they are. Not yet!”

After a Brandon League pitch that went to the backstop, Rod said that the catcher had no chance at all to get the ball, none.

“N-U-N, none!”

Actually I guess that I should mention yesterday’s game too, as it was Frederick’s major league debut, and it’s a big deal when a seven year old kid makes it this far, this fast. I thought he looked OK. Not spectacular, but also not terrified out of his Pampers. He seemed to have a little trouble getting his offspeed stuff to consistently do what he wanted it to do, which to be quite honest reminded me of the first couple times Verlander got called up. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen.

He gave up a couple of home runs and he needed an awful lot of pitches (89) to get through 5 innings, but he only walked one guy. The Jays’ starter gave up 2 runs; Porcello gave up 4, but one of those was an inherited runner that Nate brought home. So, I don’t know. I still think it will all end in tears, but I was grudgingly, mildly impressed by his first outing.

Two 1:05 pm starts this weekend, I suppose to try to maximize the exposure of the ballplayers to sunlight, so that Detroit does not kill them with its usual seasonal weather. Verlander on Saturday, Jackson on Sunday. Here’s hoping that Jackson repeats his prior performance, and Verlander does not.

This morning in Swifton, Arkansas a great 3rd basemen and a great man died quietly in his sleep. George Kell was 86 years old. As a Detroit Tigers fan born in 1975 I never had the opportunity to see him in action, but the stories my father told were never short on detail.

Kell played Major League Baseball from 1943 – 1957 with the Philadelphia Athletics, Detroit Tigers, Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox and the Baltimore Orioles. He hit .300 or better nine times, played in ten all-star games, lead the AL in fielding percentage by a 3rd basemen seven times and out hit Ted Williams in 1949 to win the American League batting title. He was by all accounts the finest all around 3rd basemen of his era. In 1983 the Baseball Hall of Fame honored him with induction.

While his sure hands and honed batting eye are known to me only through regalia, second hand accounts and statistics, I had in my childhood ample opportunity to form personal opinions of the man based on his character, and his kindness.

After his playing days Kell worked as an announcer for the Detroit Tigers Radio and TV networks for nearly 40 years. While Ernie Harwell will always be the voice in my head wafting in the air over Tigers baseball, George kell and Al Kaline will always be the friendly faces in the booth welcoming me to another telecast. Their partnership spanned twenty two seasons, from the year of my birth through 1996. A sizable chunk of my formative years were narrated by Kell and Kaline as I sat glassy eyed watching my Tigers on channel 4. I have fond memories of the mans charm, knowledge and enthusiasm for a game he loved until his final day. He was a gentleman of the first order, and a Detroit treasure to remember and cherish.

When not watching or playing baseball my youthful self spent untold hours collecting baseball cards, a passion shared with my father. From the age of five until my late teens we spent numerous weekends wandering card shows and autograph sessions, both as fans and as part-time dealers. It was a different thing back then. It was a hobby. It is a business now, I suppose it always was, but it seemed at least more about nostalgia and joy than its current form. This was a time when autographs of legends like Ted Williams, Joe Dimaggio, Hank Aaron and Mickey Mantle went for the lofty price of $5 a piece. George Kell was a regular on the circuit. I can not count how many weekend afternoons I had a chance to have my picture taken with him, watch him sign a photo or a ball, listen to him greet every fan as if they were a long lost friend. In all the years my father and I spent bouncing from convention center to high school gym standing in line for autographs of hundreds of players, none was ever more friendly or genuine than # 21.

He always arrived early, a rare thing for the guest of honor then and now. Unlike many of his colleagues Kell did not walk the straight line from the entrance to the signing table, ready to sign his name while barely making eye contact. George Kell arrived early, every time, in order to wander the room talking with the dealers, signing their items so they would not have to leave their tables unattended later. He greeted folks with that famous wide heartland smile that I can still see when I close my eyes. He made conversation, not in the manner of those who feel compelled to do so, but in the true spirit of the thing – he wanted to. I recall one afternoon he approached our table, extended his hand to my father and then me, remembering our names from a previous meeting. I wore my Mike Schmidt Philadelphia Phillies jeresy that day. He asked me where my Tigers jersey was. I told him it was dirty and my mom would not let me wear it until it was washed, so I wore my Schmidt jersey because he was a great third basemen, just like George Kell. He laughed, a genuine laugh, smiled again and told me he was flattered. I felt like the king of the gym.

I remember a great 3rd basemen and a great man today. When Rod Allen and Mario Impemba open the first broadcast of this 2009 season I believe a feeling of sadness will come over me, knowing that the friendly face of Tiger baseball of my youth will never again return to the booth. But I will smile shortly after, knowing that I shall have wonderful stories to share with my children someday, about a gentleman from Swifton, Arkansas, a gentleman of the first order.

Hazaa

Don’t get me wrong; I love the Fall Classic as much as anybody else out there. I’ve watched nearly a part of every game of every World Series since 1996, when the Yankees ousted the Braves as baseball’s champions.

Enough on tooting my horn. I watch baseball! Woo!

Anywho, I’m ready for the World Series to be over. I want the Rays to win, but I’ll accept the Phillies as champions, too. I just can’t take anymore of the Buck/McCarver tandem. I have to mute the games and settle for the slightly less-annoying duo of Jon Miller and Joe Morgan (with the annoying solely resting with Morgan) on ESPN radio.

Enough is enough, already. I never thought I’d miss Rod Allen.

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Defying expectations: Dontrelle Willis
Kind of? He went 5 innings, giving up 3 runs on 2 hits and 5 walks, with 4 Ks. All that was on 89 pitches. So, obviously, the control is still something of a problem for him, and you HATE to see a guy allow more runs than hits. But to be quite honest I was expecting/fearing something much, MUCH worse from him. Three runs in five innings was enough to keep the Tigers in it, and at times Dontrelle looked pretty good out there, like maybe he could actually contribute at some point next season (maybe), so we’ll count it as a positive. Consider my expectations defied.
Meeting expectations: Kyle Farnsworth
There’s nothing quite like giving up a grand slam and a two-run triple in two consecutive outings to make people question your ability to throw a baseball, eh? After last night I fully expected Rally Killer Kyle to be an emotional wreck on the mound, and so he was! He shook Inge off a number of times, although I’m not sure if that was a contributing cause of his struggles, or if it was just a symptom.
I was not really expecting another bullpen meltdown after a semi-inspiring offensive showing: that would have been TOO CRAZY. Surely it couldn’t happen TWICE, right? Shows what I know. This time it was Gary Glover who gave up the grand slam, but The Farns did his fair bit. Consider my expectations met, and perhaps exceeded.
I have to be up in less than five hours, so I’m just bulleting the rest of this thing.
- Mario: And here comes Fabulous Freddy Dolsi!
Rod: You dropped a ‘fabulous’ on him, huh?
- Gary Sheffield hit his 497th homerun. It was a screaming line drive to left field, as is typical for Sheff. Of course 500 is an arbitrary number that is no more or less inherently notable than 498, or 503, but whatever, we like zeroes, he’s shooting for it.
- Jim Leyland was ejected in the bottom of the 6th for arguing a hit-by-pitch call. He made it all the way back to the dugout before he got tossed, and he came CHARGING back out onto the field, prompting Rod and Mario to start cracking up and saying that they had never seen him move that fast before. He was all up in the face of homeplate ump Eric Cooper, and at one point Cooper (suppressing laughter, it looked like) made a gesture all up and down his own front as if to say, ‘Dude, you’re spitting ALL OVER me.’ Leyland was certainly close enough and, uh, vehement enough for that to be the case.
- The grand slam off of Glover was hit by Taylor Teagarden. It was his first ever at-bat with the bases loaded. Also his name is TEAGARDEN.
The Race to .500!
With this loss, the Tigers still need those 11 wins to reach the promised land, and only have 2 losses left to spare. Our prospects are grim.
Tuesday. 8:05 pm EDT. Zach Miner vs. Kevin Millwood. Miner’s ERA and WHIP are actually both better than Millwood’s, but Millwood’s middle name is ‘Austin’ and he pitches in Texas, so he may have mojo-rific powers on his side. We shall see what we shall see. Go Tigers!

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Two bad games does not make a trend, but it does make… uh, a straight line? So. Yeah.
In his last start, Armando gave up six runs on three (!) hits and six walks over six innings. Six six six. Today Armando gave up five runs on eight hits and one walk over four innings. He threw 82 pitches today and 102 pitches his last time out, so he was on pretty much the same pace despite his relative lack of free passes this afternoon.
In the entire month of August prior to this (that’s six starts), he only failed to have a quality start ONCE, and the Tigers won that game anyways.
In his entire pro career, Armando has started this many games (18) in any one place only ONCE, and that was last year at double-A in the Texas minor league system. He has never (ever!) started this many games at this level of competition and stress.
I smell sweaty panting pitcher exhaustion, and it does not smell good.
The surprising thing is not that Armando is slowing down here at the end of the season, when the brisk autumn winds are starting to ruffle our whiskers and many things once green and growing begin to wither and die, such as oak leaves and foolish hopes that the Lions will remember how to play football and Kenny Rogers’ ligaments. The surprising thing is really that he’s lasted this long.
The bullpen was great today: five innings of no-hit, no-run ball is more than we could ever ask for from their motley little gang. Unfortunately the bats made the Oakland pitchers look like some kind of sick pitching geniuses. Oh, I know that Leyland was sitting a lot of guys today to give them extra time to rest their weary bones (Maggs and Polanco both pinch hit but did not start; Edgah, who has oddly been kind of hot with the bat lately, didn’t play), but there were zero extra-base hits today from the Tigers. ZERO. That’s pretty gross.
Curious Rod Allen quote of the day:
“Me and Ty [Van Burkleo, the Oakland hitting coach] were the only two Americans on the team [the Hiroshima Carp], so we spent a lotta time together.” *pause* “I mean we hung out a lot.”
Did he think that people would assume something else?
The Race to .500!
Blah blah, need 11 wins, only 5 losses left to spare. I’m… I’m not sure we can keep our losses under five for the rest of the season. This is a highly discouraging thought.
Thursday is an offday, so everyone can kick back and enjoy a day where it is guaranteed that the Tigers will not lose. Friday’s game is at 8:11 pm EDT in the Cell. Justin Verlander vs. the Dank Danks. Did you know that Verlander and Danks have both won 10 games? But Verlander has an ERA of 4.78 and a WHIP of 1.38 while Danks has an ERA of 3.44 and a WHIP of 1.27. Wins = lol. Go Tigers!

Jim McFarlin, in the current issue of The Metro Times, declares that Tigers TV analyst Rod Allen is the best that the team has ever employed at that position. Ever. (The dangling word “ever” is McFarlin’s dramatic emphasis, not mine). I’m usually not one to declare anyone in modern times the best ever at anything because I’m a curmudgeonly history guy who often rolls my eyes at such declarations. It’s amazing how many young folks think that nothing of much interest happened before they started following sports.

Well, McFarlin isn’t young, for one. And second, even though he mistakenly tosses George Kell into the list of “analysts” (Kell was a play-by-play guy, and one of the best. Ever.), he makes a good case. He also rightly acknowledges that Allen’s competition isn’t all that enthralling. Jim Northrup, Al Kaline, and Kirk Gibson, for starters, weren’t terrific — although I still have never heard anyone on TV who knows more about baseball than Kaline. Al just didn’t always have a compelling way of conveying it, is all.

Still, I have no problem giving Allen his due as the best Tigers TV analyst. Ever. Mr. McFarlin and those who agree, have my permission.

McFarlin mentioned all the catch phrases Allen uses, and even gives a nod (I think) to my friend Big Al and his Rod Allen game, without mentioning Al’s site by name. And Allen, in the story, frets a bit about being made fun of, as opposed to being taken seriously. It’s easy for me to say, but I don’t think Allen should worry too much about that. I get the impression that he’s respected and liked far more than he’s mocked. Heck, we made fun of Kell and his Arkansas twang. Remember George Baier on WRIF radio and his “George Swell” character?

But reading McFarlin’s anointing of Allen made me wonder when someone is going to do the same for Greg Kelser. So I guess I will.

Kelser, Special K, is the best Pistons TV analyst. Ever. Yet he flies under the radar, and I suspect it’s because he’s taken for granted. That, and Kelser doesn’t really have any catch phrases. He’s not loud or over-enthusiastic. He’s just smooth as silk. If he was still a player, he’d be considered a “bad interview” because he doesn’t utter anything outlandish. But if you want the straight dope on the basketball you’re watching on television, then Kelser’s your man.

Kelser’s Pistons career started auspiciously, if only because of the clown who drafted him.

Dickie Vitale held a draft party at the Silverdome in 1979, prior to his second season as Pistons coach. Dickie’s Pistons had finished 30-52 the season before, an eight-game drop-off from the previous campaign. It was about to get much worse. For here came Vitale, proud as a peacock, waving a box of Special K cereal. No joke.

“The Pistons have just made a trade!,” Dickie declared to the curious and perplexed inside the Dome. Then Vitale told of how he had bamboozled the Milwaukee Bucks into trading draft positions so the Pistons could select Kelser, from MSU. Special K was Kelser’s nickname at State. So Dickie thought he was a laugh riot, waving the box of cereal as he announced the trade and, in his mind, how smart he was.

Here’s how smart he was: the Bucks had no intention of selecting Kelser, despite his fine career in East Lansing and the NCAA championship he won with Magic Johnson a couple months earlier. The Bucks had their eyes on Sidney Moncrief, a dynamic guard from Arkansas. All along. So they took the $50,000 of Bill Davidson’s money that Vitale waved as enticement, and agreed to switch draft positions with the Pistons. It was because of decisions like that, that Vitale made a much better living barking into a television microphone than he ever did as an NBA coach and personnel guy.

Now, nearly 30 years later, Kelser is still with the Pistons, the perfect complement to George Blaha’s stirring play-by-play work. The Pistons are lucky to still have him; I would be shocked if he didn’t have opportunities to work at the network level. I’ve listened to all the blowhards on TBS and TNT and NBC and ESPN, and I’m not seeing where any of them are more insightful about the NBA and aware of the nuances that go on during games than Gregory Kelser. Seems that most of them are a little too cognizant of the fact that their words are being broadcast, because they seem to enjoy listening to themselves so much.

Jim McFarlin can have his Rod Allen as best Tigers analyst thing, without my dissent. Just allow me my Greg Kelser thing. Anyone got a problem with that?

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Man I am so angry about this game. It’s not even that I’m mad at Todd Jones or anything, because he’s Rollercoaster Jones for a reason, he’s gonna do this every so often, and to his credit he’s probably over it by now because he never psyches himself out. It would be like getting pissed off at the sky for being blue.
No, I’m just all directionlessly angry and if this game was a tangible thing I’d put it in a corner and throw heavy books at it until I ran out of heavy books. Which would take a really long time, because I have a lot of books and many of them are heavy.
(I mean, just chucking the Neal Stephensons at it would do considerable damage, and then we’d get into the Dickens…)
It’s just. ARRGH! Stupid freaking Twins! I JUST watched the Red Sox take their MAPLE HAMMERS OF BOSTONIAN DOOM to the Twins, and then I had to watch THIS. Slowey gave up 6 runs in 3.2 innings, and they had to bring in 5 separate relievers to finish out the game… none of which gave up a single solitary run. I object on the basis of some noble principle or other.
Sigh.
On the plus side, Matt Joyce homered again, giving yet more cred to the theory that caring for kittens leads to batting power. Who knows… throwing Edgar Renteria into a giant pit of kittens may be the only way to save him.
The whole ‘Christmas in July’ thing, if you didn’t happen to see the game, was fairly underwhelming. Paws was in a Santa suit, and at one point he came up to the booth for an interview with Rod and Mario, where he presented them with Santa hats and candy canes, and the audience learned that there is no good way to interview a giant anthropomorphic tiger that can’t talk. It was all very ‘eh’.
Of course I’m not going to get too hyped up about ‘Christmas in July’ anyways, since I don’t even do Christmas in December.
There was one glorious Rod Allen moment in this one, though. Carlos Guillen stole second off of Joe Nathan in the 9th inning. It was a pretty ballsy play, on the relative scale of baseball ballsiness, and it prompted Rod Allen to exclaim,
“Yeah! If you’re scared, get a dog!”
I think this means something like… if you’re too cringing and afraid to steal a base in a tough baseball situation, perhaps you should retire to a small home and get yourself a ferocious guard dog. Maybe? I fear that there may be convolutions of meaning here that I cannot unravel. It does seem certain, however, that Rod is saying that Carlos is so fearless that he does not require a hound.
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are all Twinkie games. Friday is Arrrrrmando vs. Glen ‘office manager’ Perkins, Saturday is Nate vs. Scott ‘cookies’ Baker, and Sunday is Justin vs. Nick ‘actually it’s Robert’ Blackburn. I, however, will be on the Cape (Cape League baseball! slowly stupefying on the beach! woo!) for all three of these games and thus will not be seeing them. I’ll be back Monday, but you kids and kittens are on your own for the weekend. Play nice, share the catnip, don’t kick the litter everywhere, and go Tigers!

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Why didn’t anyone tell me that Miguel Cabrera is in some circles nicknamed ‘the Puma’ (not, I don’t think, ‘the Big Puma’, which is Lance Berkaman)??? THIS IS VITAL INFORMATION, PEOPLE! Plus it meant that during today’s game we got the following glorious series of exchanges between Rod and Mario…
Mario: You know what a puma is, right?
Rod: *uncertain pause* Cat. *another pause* Big cat.
Mario: Jamie Walker’s nickname was ‘the Cat’.
Rod: Uh huh!
Mario: Not the big cat. More like medium cat. *pause* Medium-sized cat.
Oh man you guys I love baseball so hard.
The Puma went yard twice off of Indians pitching today, which is excellent, because the Puma still cannot run much on his bum hip. After each homerun he lumbered around the bases, returned to the dugout, and consumed a deer haunch. He then buried the rest of the deer carcass under the pitching mound so that he could come back to eat it tomorrow (true puma behavior FACT!).
The River Thames, sensing competition, also homered, as is his wont. It was one of those ridiculous little afterthought bat-flips that makes you squeal in high-pitched appreciation for The River’s power, because a swing like that should in no way result in a homerun, especially in a park like Comerica. There is of course no telling how The River’s power will hold up after the All Star break, but he is certainly seizing his moment as best he can.
To add insult to the already emotionally injured Indians pitching, Pudge also homered. Pudge this season has all the power of a pygmy marmoset (this was only his 4th homerun, and pygmy marmosets have wee tiny hands that can barely hold baseball bats), so if the Indians pitchers weren’t already planning to cry themselves to sleep tonight, this would have cemented it.
I must say that I was pleased to see the Indians wearing their alternate hats for this game. I find it much easier to spend 9 innings looking at that swoopy I, as opposed to the horrific Chief Wahoo.
ALSO THIS HAPPENED:

Their afternoon visitor didn’t seem like a good sign. With rain forcing the Tigers inside for batting practice, they were in the cage when someone heard the sounds of a cat’s meow. Matt Joyce grabbed a chair, took a look above the cage and inside the stadium and found a black kitten tangled in wires and cables.
Joyce and some teammates took the kitten into the clubhouse and fed it a little. Then Tigers personnel found an animal rescue program to help out. But the superstition was not lost.
Some players got a kick out of it. Others stayed away. Starting pitcher Justin Verlander stayed away because he’s allergic to cats. Cabrera avoided it for the superstition.
“I thought that was hilarious,” Joyce said. “I said, ‘Yeah, this thing’s gonna bring us good luck.’”
Jason Beck/MLB.com article

DEAR MATT JOYCE,
WE LOVE YOU FOREVER.
-ROAR OF THE TIGERS
Although it’s very disappointing to hear that Justin is allergic to cats. I guess this could explain some of his struggles this season… Paws needs to stop with the pregame hugs.
Wednesday’s game is at 7 pm EDT and pits Eddie Bonine against Paul Byrd. Misspelled cows vs. misspelled avians! ANIMAL FIGHT!! Go Tigers!

Damn. I think Rod Allen put it best. “He is some kind of country strong.” Last eight hits have all been homeruns. Really takes me back to the days of Rob Deer. Good times. Seriously, I’m glad he’s getting a shot to play. Hopefully he will continue to get regular playing time, as his bat certainly is an asset.

For Tiger fans not yet acquainted with Freddy Dolsi, now may be the time to take notice. Freddy looked fantastic on Sunday. Entering the game with a one out bases loaded mess. 9 pitches (some hitting 97 mph), 2 strikeouts later and the rally was crushed. 

Quoting Rod Allen, “this kid is very very good. His stuff is electric. He might be the very very best pitcher on the planet. I mean, he’s country strong, padnuh.”

Cliché riddled praise aside, Dolsi is tough and with Zumaya and Rodney on the mend we may soon have a wicked good bullpen.

photo by Samara Pearlstein
I only saw the very tail end of this game because, as the image may suggest, I was at the Red Sox/Brewers game Sunday (if any of you are Brewers fans, I’ve got a lot of thrilling Brewers BP photos coming soon) and was thus either at Fenway or in the process of wending my way home from Fenway for most of the Tigers’ lackluster at-bats. I hear tell that the Tigers game sucked and to be quite honest I’m not really having too much trouble believing that.
I got a Detroit Tigers Robert Fick baseball card with my Sox program, so hey, that was my little bit of Tigerdom for the day. The conversation I had with my friend Amy (a dual Sox/Brewers fan with whom I attended the game) when I opened up the cards went as follows:
Me: Ooo, a Tiger. Ha ha, look, Robert Fick.
Amy: Isn’t he kind of a [bodily orifice related to excretion that I can't write here because the MVN overlords won't like it]?
Me: ….. yes.
I heard nothing much about the Tigers game until after the (bizarre and messy) Sox game, when Amy’s roommate Jen (a D’backs fan) called to tell us that Nate was throwing a no-hitter going into the 4th inning, jinxing him with an immediacy that is absurd and can only happen to crazy baseball fans who fervently believe it will happen.
I checked in again when my subway route took me back above ground, some time in the 6th, when I called home and got updates from both my parents on the various ways the Tigers were finding to lose (my dad, the Tigers fan, expressing frustration; my mom, the Red Sox fan, expressing mild amusement at our frustration). Then we talked about what to have for dinner. It was a more interesting conversation. (Conclusion: taquitos.)
All I can say about this game is that I hope that the Tigers don’t abandon the team-wide high socks just because of this setback. As we discussed yesterday, high socks are the correct aesthetic choice, not just a lucky charm.
Aside from Tigers in high socks, the only other thing I was sad to have missed in this game was (as reported to me by my parents) Rod Allen discussing the purported good looks of D’back Conor Jackson. I guess Jackson was a theater major in college, and his dad’s an actor, and somehow Rod connected that to Jackson being, in Rod Allen’s esteemed opinion, a hottie McHotPants? I’m not entirely decided on the matter, but I think Rod may be on to something here. What say you lot? Maybe? Hot or not?
(Really I just want an excuse to use the still-new “all-consuming manlust” tag.)
Oh, and another question for you readers. Tomorrow (Monday) is an offday (thank cats), and I was intrigued by the liveblog chat things folks like Billfer and the Dugout have been doing. I suppose the idea is that it would be like a big chatroom, and you could ask me things like, “Why do you call Renteria ‘Edgah’?” and, “What is your favorite color?” and “What is your opinion on the impending Galarraga/Willis situation?” and “How do you draw an eye so it doesn’t look like a deformed football?” or, you know, whatever else struck your fancy.
If I stick one of those things up around 7 pm Monday, when there would normally be a game on, would anyone be interested, or would it just be me talking to myself? Er, I guess we’ll see around 7 pm Monday.

I submit to you the first member of the Hall of Tiger Killers, Kevin Youkilis. Four home runs in this series, which is still half a game from being complete, has cemented Youkilis’s name in the Hall of Tiger Killers. In 24 games, Youkilis has 10 homers, and a healthy batting average in the neighborhood of .350. It makes you cringe when he walks to the plate against a Tiger pitcher. It should also be noted that he looks like the stereotypical baseball thug from every baseball movie from the 80’s and 90’s. Congratulations Kevin!

Other notes…

That was a hell of a catch, Matt Joyce.

Rod Allen needs to shut up. Pure and simple. It used to be funny, but Rod, you’ve crossed over into distractingly annoying. I’m considering listening to to the radio. With Jim Price doing the radio broadcasts, that should say something Rod.

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Not everyone had a great day in New York. Guillen, Edgah, and Jacque Jones all failed to get a hit. But don’t tell Phil Hughes that; he’ll laugh in your face (a crazed, hysterical kind of laughter) and start gibbering about the big scary oversize bats all the Detroit hitters were using.

Kenny was not amazing. He walked too many guys, and 101 pitches after 6 innings is better than 101 after 5 but is still way too many. To be honest I’m not really sure how he managed to hold them to just 2 runs… with all the walks it certainly felt like it should’ve been more. It was loads better than I’d been expecting, though, what with his usual Yankee Stadium struggles meeting his current pitching slump.

Instead of merging those two troublesome trends and having some kind of mecha-trouble, he gave the Tigers a shot to win the game, and win it they did.

Polanco had maybe the best day, with 4 hits (one a double), 2 runs and 1 RBI, in 5 at-bats. Every time I see Polanco have a good game now I’m going to be thinking, ‘Is this the one? Is he coming back to full strength?’, and sure enough I thought it again here. The fact that his back is made of anguish and the tears of unicorns hasn’t helped him hit much this season, but if he can do what he did last night… well.

It was the home run that did Hughes in, though, and those came from Granderson and Sheffield. Lovely big home runs, they were. Curtis Granderson, of course, is perfect and can do anything, but a home run from Gary Sheffield in Yankee Stadium is particularly enjoyable. I know that Sheff has a LOT of former ballparks, but watching him pay it back to the Yankees is wicked pleasing.

So, good game on the whole, with too many walks issued by Tigers pitching, a trend disgustingly illustrated in the Wednesday matchup, where Bondo and Andy Pettitte have the same number of strikeouts to their names this season, but Bondo has more than twice the number of walks issued. Pettitte has a 3.23 ERA, a 1.43 WHIP, and a 3-2 record. Bondo has a 4.28 ERA, a 1.79 WHIP, and a 1-2 record. If that doesn’t illustrate to Bondo the seriousness of the problem, I’m not sure what will.

From the department of “Things Rod Allen Says That Pretty Much Only Rod Allen Can Get Away With Saying,” we have this, after the FSN cameras focused on a couple guys in the bleachers, dancing badly to the between-inning music:

Rod: “Usually brothas have rhythm, but that brotha’s not showin’ a lotta rhythm.”

Mario: “Wow.”

I like Rod Allen, but sometimes I think being his on-air partner must be the most awkward thing in the world. What are you supposed to say when he says something like that? You can’t very well agree….

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Naaahhh. That wasn’t a baseball game. I mean, there wasn’t any offense, and there wasn’t any real pitching to speak of, so what did I just watch? I’m not sure. I think maybe it was the Rod and Mario show.

In fact, yes, let’s talk about Rod and Mario. Let’s discuss how they were WEARING SHIRTS THE COLOR OF THE COTTON CANDY THEY ALWAYS TALK ABOUT for tonight’s broadcast. Mario in blue, Rod in pink. Please tell me I’m not the only person who noticed that. Please.

I also enjoyed their discussion on the dangers of treadmills, and the story of how Mario nearly killed himself when his MP3 player unplugged and fell and shot off the end of the treadmill, and Mario nearly followed it. I really appreciated that diversion from whatever was happening on the field. What was happening down there? No, y’know what, don’t even tell me. I don’t want to know. La la la…

…

…

….

……ggaaaaahh OK, OK, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH VERLANDER? He looked GOOD in his last start! It wasn’t reflected in the numbers at the end, but he did actually look good for most of the game! And tonight he just, ugh, did NOT look good. His control was way off from what it ought to have been, hell, what it USUALLY IS. Why? Is it just the Jake? (or whatever awful corporate name it is now) I know he struggles in the Jake, but… come on! What WAS that?

Alright. Alright. Nevermind. Rod and Mario dressed up as the Comerica cotton candy. That was what happened tonight. Onwards with the season.

My first live blogging! I’ll be watching the Tigers game and updating the post every time something exciting or interesting happens! 

Live Tigers Notes

• The Indians no longer play in “Jacob’s Field” – it’s now called “Progressive Field.” It will be hard not call it “the Jake.”
• Brian Bluhm was killed one year ago today
• The Line ups for the game … 
  Detroit
  C – Rodriguez, Ivan
  2B – Polanco, Placido
  DH – Sheffield, Gary
  RF – Ordonez, Magglio
  3B – Cabrera, Miguel
  1B – Guillen, Carlos
  SS – Renteria, Edgar
  LF – Thames, Marcus
  CF – Inge, Brandon                             

  Cleveland
  CF – Sizemore, Grady
  LF – Dellucci, David
  DH – Hafner, Travis
  C – Martinez, Victor
  SS – Peralta, Jhonny
  1B – Garko, Ryan
  2B – Cabrera, Asdrubal
  RF – Gutierrez, Franklin 

• I’m surprised C.C. is still winless, 0-2!
• After the game, looking back I’m not as surprised. CC was horrible tonight in his third lost. The Tigers made it look like he was pitching with softballs. 

                             

The First Inning

Top

• Snoozefest

Bottom

• Dellucci hits a home run.
• Good Guys 0 – Indians 1

The Second Inning

Top

• Magglio Walks!
• Cabrera hits a home run!!!
• Good Guys 2 – Indians 1
• Carlos strikes out
• Edgar singles
• Thames pops out
• Inge singles!
• 2 men on base, 2 outs
• Pudge lines out to third.

Bottom

• 1,2,3 inning….

The Third Inning

Top

• Left the room, sorry! I missed a good inning! Polanco doubles to left, and Cabrera singles him home!
• Good Guys 3 – Indians 1

Bottom

• And another 1,2,3 inning! Galarraga is un-hittable!

The Fourth Inning

Top

• Inge walks, nothing else happens…

Bottom

• 1 – 2 – 3
• Galarraga has shut down the last 11 Indian batters.

The Fifth Inning 

Top

• Polanco walks to start the inning.
• Sabathia just baulked tying to catch Polanco stealing second base. Polanco is awarded the base.
• Sheffield battles Sabathia after 10 or 11 pitches and draws the walk!
• Man on first and second, no outs.
• Magglio walks!
• Bases loaded, no outs for Miggs!!
• Cabrera hits a single up the middle and scores two! The boo birds come out at “the Jake.”
  
• Good Guys 5 – Indians 1
  
• Guillen singles! Bases Loaded again; no outs!
  
•  Edgar Renteria hits a GRAND SLAM! And there are still no outs! The boo birds are all over the place now! We will get a new pitcher. C.C. is done for the night!
• Good Guys 9 – Indians 1
• Thames singles – still no outs!
  
• Inge hits a double! Man on second and third! NO OUTS!!!
• Pudge strikes out for the first out of the inning and the crowd goes nuts! (They are not happy).
• Okay this is crazy! Polanco hits to third, but when the ball gets back to their catcher, Martinez he just tages the base and not the runner, so he’s safe! They get the runner at third however! 
• Good Guys 10 – Indians 1
  
• Sheffield pops out for the last out of the inning

Bottom

• Here come the Indiands…
• Peralta files out to center field…
• Garko is up to bat, a drunken fan is yelling “you’re the man Garko, ya baby, you do it baby.” Nice…
  
• Garko foul tips it into the glove
  
• 2 quick outs! And forth strike outs for Galarraga!
• Cabrera strikes out looking! Five for Galarraga - 14 in a row for Galarraga!

                         

The Sixth Inning 

Top

• Maggs walks
• Cabrera is human! He strikes out looking.
• Guillen walks, he’s the seventh Tiger to walk tonight! Caroles get’s a pitch runner! Ryan Raburn in the game!
• Renteria walks!
• NEW PITCHER
• Clete Thomas pinch hits for Thames
• Thames pops out to third.
• Brandon Inge up to bat…
• Inge walks with the bases loaded!
• Good Guys 11 – Indians 1
• Pudge pops out… 

 

 Bottom

• Cabrera moves to first base… Raburn to Centerfield, Inge to Third Base
• Here come Galarraga…  14 Straight retired; 5 strikeouts; 0 walks
• 1, 2, 3 inning AGAIN!
• 17 Straight retired; 6 strikeouts; 0 walks

The Seventh Inning 

Top

• Maggs gets a hit!
• Inning ends eventless…

Bottom

• Galarraga hits a batter! They have a runner on base!
• Next batter pops up.
• Galarraga hits another batter! uh-oh…
• Ground out to second! 
• With two outs in the seventh,  Galarraga’s night is over! He pitched amazing in what should be his first major league win! Well done!
• New pitcher is: JASON GRILLI AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
• Now I know we have a 10 run lead, but I’m scared now…
• WHAT A SHOCK! Grilli gives up a Texas League Single. The Indians score a run.
• Good Guys 12 – Indians 2
• Please get Grilli out of this game.
• Batter pops up, inning over.

The Eighth Inning 

Top

• Tigers are next…
• Raburn doubles to lead off the inning!
• Edgar Renteria sigles to center; Raburn scores! That’s 5 RBI’s for Renteria! 
• Good Guys 12 – Indians 2
• Thomas singles to center! That’s three straight hits for the Tigers! Pinch runner for Renteria. 
• Three batters later we have three outs, lets hope Grilli is not back on the mound…

Bottom

• Here comes the Indians
• Ahh, Grilli is back…
• And a surprise to no one, Grilli gives up a hit…
• Next two batters pop out….
• Rod Quote of the Night: “Comerca Park is none for being a pitchers park.” REALLY???
• Another pop out, inning over…

The Ninth Inning 

Top

• New pitcher for the Indians – Masa Kobayashi
• Sheff singles in the lead off spot! His swing looks great! 
• Maggs up next
• WILD PITCH moves Sheff over to second base.
• Magg hits a line shot to third base, easy throw to first for the out.
• Miguel Cabrera up next, will he get his 6th RBI of the night?
• Cabrera gets a hit, but Sheff holds at third base.
• Men at the corners with 1 out.
• Raburn up…
• Raburn hits to second, Cabrera is out at second, but Raburn is safe because Raburn is safe a first!
• Good Guys 13 – Indians 2
• pop up inning over

Bottom

• Easy inning for Grilli…
• He even got a strike out.
• I still wish they’d release him.

TIGERS WIN

Final Notes and Statistics

• Winning Pitcher - Armando Galarraga (1-0) 
• Losing Pitcher – C.C. Sabathia (0-3)
• Doubles: Polanco, Inge and Raburn
• Home Runs: Cabrera and Renteria
• RBI’s – Cabrera (5), Renteria (9), Inge (1), Raburn (1)
• Men Left on Base – 13
• Time – 3 hours 17 minutes

Primeras bajas

1)

El pasado 10 de enero, Rod Allen, de 63 años, falleció en su casa de Coventry, como consecuencia de un cáncer de hígado diagnosticado hace sólo dos meses. Fue el vocalista de The Fortunes. Lo leí aquí y después escuchando el show de Rodney at the ROQ me enteré de otros detalles de la carrera de este músico from the sixties.

2)

El sábado 12 murió Gabriel “Gabo” Mannelli, bajista de Babasónicos, según informó el site oficial del grupo. El músico poseía linfoma de Hodgkin. Tenía 38 años y alcanzó todavía a grabar sus partes para lo que será el nuevo disco de Babasónicos. De esto me enteré vía Twitter.
Aquí un recuerdo para el motor babasonico.
Babasónicos es uno de mis cinco grupos argentinos favoritos de todos los tiempos (los otros? Virus, Los Encargados, Los Pillos, El Otro Yo).

Play their music, please.