Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says , ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone..

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients..’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy..
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(3 ) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Courtesy: Internet

Disclaimer: This post contains some politically incorrect content. I am both embarrassed and ashamed to even relate the information contained herein. However, in my defense, I was so amused by some of these gems, that I would have been remiss not to share.

If you text, Twitter, IM, Skype or engage in almost any form of micro-chatter, you’re familiar with “text-speak.” “Text-speak” are those acronyms which, despite their primary utility as abbreviated words that are easier to type, convey a common meaning, and are now used in regular conversation.

I am not talking about all texting shortcuts, like ROTFL (Rolling On The Floor Laughing) or LMAO (Laughing My Ass Off) or even WTF (What The F*ck), each of which is widely used and well known, because in spite their ubiquity, they haven’t been adopted as part of our everyday speech.

I text, therefore I am.

I’m referring to those texting shortcuts, that have made the transition from the screen to our mouths. BFF, for example, is perhaps the most widely recognized text-speak in common use today. BFF (for those of you still dragging your knuckles across gravel or perhaps without BFFs) stands for ‘Best Friends Forever.’

OMG is another acronym that has become part of our uber-forward text-savvy vernacular, and stands for ‘Oh My God’ (or goodness, if you’re not trying to take the Lord’s name in vain).

TMI is a third. TMI, which stands for ‘Too Much Information,’ is a virtual mainstay in this tell-all society we live in. I would have loved to tell Oprah TMI yesterday, when she had the chimp lady on. I didn’t need to know or SEE all that.

Yeah, I watch Oprah, so what?

There are countless others that have made the leap, like ‘addy’ (address), DIY (Do It Yourself), or IM (Instant Message, as in “IM me”). But recently, a friend of mine hipped me to a few that weren’t so familiar, but are (apparently) in widespread use and clearly have their place.

Take ABC for example. Do you know your ABCs? Most of us would automatically answer ‘yes’ (unless, of course, they were illiterate, and in that case wouldn’t be capable of reading this page to form an answer). And they’d be right, but not for the reason they assumed.

In text-speak, ABC refers to ‘Angry Black Chics.’ Two points for whoever knew that before arriving at this point. Listen closely, and you’ll probably hear the term ABC off the lips of a few brothers discussing women woes (“Man I can’t handle no mo’ ABCs, I needs me a white girl!”)

I know you know what AA is. C’mon, stop playing. It’s not Alcoholics Anonymous (although I’d imagine that there are some AA members that text ‘Im going 2 my AA mtg. C u there’, but that’s besides the point).

AA refers to ‘African Americans.’ When texting, or talking, referring to Black people as AAs will help avoid some awkward situations. For example, when discussing your outrage over Tyrone’s promotion to the first junior assistant to the night shift loading dock shift manager position, mask your hostility towards members of the darker nation by saying, “Those AAs get all the jobs,” leaving Tyrone (and the rest of the darkies) none the wiser.

The pièce de résistance of our post today, is definitely 5397. Not familiar with 5397? No, these are not the Lost doomsday numbers (which are 4 8 15 16 23 42 dummy). Nor are they last night’s Pick 4 winners.

5-3-9-7 on the alpha-numeric buttons of a phone, spell J-E-W-S. Yes, take it all in. Hey Skinhead! Sick and tired of Jews? Now you can state publicly that “5397s are taking over the world,” and fear no recrimination of being labeled antisemitic.

I hope you learned a lot today, and ‘Big up!’ to Carmen for her etymological assistances.

If you know of any words that have made the transition from text to speech, please feel free to share them with me. Who knows, you may be sitting on a texting DITR (Diamond In The Rough – I just made that one up).

For more text acronyms, visit Netlingo.

Sehr professionell produziert, könnte glatt in Funk und Fernsehen laufen:

(Oliver Kels, via noch ein Markus)

Und hier noch was fürs Lagerfeuer, sofern man sich mit dem Thema den Abend verderben will:

(Spitblog)

Si tratta di un sito geniale contenenti presunte foto di papi con altre personalità.

Link: http://brindaconpapi.blogspot.com/

Stasera ho riesumato l’hdd del 486 che sull’etichetta riporta 335 MB, l’ho collegato a linux e sorpresa:

Qualcuno vuole un doppio hdd da 4 TB datato 1995?

Weiter gehts in Langen. Gestern Abend habe ich nach der Vorstandssitzung festgestellt, dass auch die FDP sich endlich bequemt hat, Plakate aufzuhängen. Da ich ‘zufälligerweise’ ein neues Plakat dabei hatte (nämlich mein ROTFL!-Plakat), habe ich das gleich aufgehängt und dokumentiert.

Trauerplakat Zensur

Ich habe das ROTF -weil hochkant- nur als A4 gedruckt und über das vorhandene Modul drübergeklebt, ich denke gleich morgen versuche ich zuzusehen, was neues drüberzukleben.

Das letztens erwähnte Trauerplakat habe ich übrigens in neuerer Version (volle Auflösung hier) gefunden, möglicherweise werde ich das verwenden, falls sich niemand beschwert und ich nichts ultimativ besseres finde

Wir haben auch mittlerweile neue Piratenplakate bekommen, die ich am Wochenende an den noch unbeklebten Stellen aufhängen werde.

Usually when we need a little LOL here at the CollegeCandy headquarters we just go back through our old posts and marvel at how truly hilarious we all are. (And modest, too!) Or, you know, look through our Facebook photo albums from college. God, those were the days.

But there are some times where we need someting fresh and new to LOL at. So we turn to the internet.

There are lots of really amazing and hilarious sites out there, but there are 5 that we just can’t get enough of…. and are constantly getting us in trouble.

Editor: Why are you ROTFLing?
Intern: Uh…er….um…. I was reading one of your posts?
Editor: Aw, that’s so sweet. I am funny, aren’t I? I’m glad you recognize tha- Wait! Wha? That’s not CollegeCandy!

Anywho, if you’re depressed about school being over, in the throes of final exams, or just in need of a serious belly laugh, here are CollegeCandy’s picks for the top 5 funniest sites:

1. FMyLife: We’ve talked about this site hundreds of times before, but we still can’t help spending a good hour on here every time we visit. It’s like crack, only you don’t have to go to the shady part of town to get it.

Why We Love It: “Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML”

2. Texts From Last Night: You think your friend’s nonsensical drunken text was funny? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Why We Love It: “(402): I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.”

3. Why the F**k Do You Have a Kid? It’s so simple, yet completely brilliant. Doesn’t it just make you wish we could put a lock on some people’s reproductive organs?

4. This Is Photo Bomb: There is nothing better in this world than a good photo bomb, especially when it’s an accident.

Why We Love It: Because this made it difficult for us to breathe.

5. Best of Craigslist: There has been a bit of CL scandal lately, but so what? It’s still the best place to buy a couch, find a shady dude with a van mover, or meet other people who also have weird diaper fetishes. And the “best of” section might be the best thing since Chelsea Lately. This sh*t really makes us LOREL (laugh out really effing loud).

Why We Love It: Because a personal ad started out like this – “You were at that “retarded vegetables” themed party….”

Most Likely … Unauthorized , originally uploaded by @ThetaState.

I’m not going to type something and spoil this picture. Rotfl-ing! Thanks to @abtony for the link.

lol check out the wordpress smileys
                                        :| 

~Puffleparty66

Queste domande lasciano sempre un po’ perplessi.

So it could be mating season. Why? I’ve seen countless of empty Durex packets on the floor while walking to and from school over the past month or so. It’s pretty funny, i’ve seen a vairety of different coloured packets, i assume they’re different sizes or colours or falvours or something XD

Anways, that’s it really =]

JFM

I don’t know about you or your sense of humor, but my friend who is always sending me such funny e-mails has been going around the internet finding pictures of people and I guess things like it. So I’m going to repost the pictures in my blog. Some may make you laugh, others may question what the hell was they thinking and the rest just might piss you off or make you sick. Who knows, I know I got a laugh out a few of them. XD

Who ever in their right mind did this to her or if she did it to herself has a lot of time and creativity. Its still scary looking though no matter how I try no to admit it.

I know a lot of people wish they had one of these right about now. I also know a lot of people who don’t catch on to what it is until they stop thinking about it. What a shame.

Ha ha! XD

This picture is fucking awesome! I think I looked at this picture over 50 times and it just got funnier and funnier.

If I ever see something like this in a park, I would need some type of explanation because me being high off some shit wouldn’t be one of them.

LOLCAT anyone?

I would hate for someone to climb through the window uninvited and they had to stand there and try and get out with this lock to deal with. They’ll way past dead by then.

I have no clue to even what the hell this could be.

Kill me now.

I’m praying this is Photoshop. 9/10 it is but wow that is indeed a what the fuck moment.

Fail indeed.

Creativity at its finest! XD

Come on now! I mean…what the shit?!!?

Photoshop fail. They gave Beyonce a third leg…arm.

I guess those are the suicide versions of the rubber ducky.

I almost died when I saw this shit. Man o’ man! XD

My thing with this is…what the fuck Sonic!?!?

No comment. XD

Yea, I think people are just crazy. Then again..reminds me of that one movie with Bruce Willis…

No wonder fat people hate people centuries smaller than them.

That’s awesome at the same time sad. I don’t smoke by the way, that’s unattractive.

NO COMMENT!

O’ RLY?!?!

I don’t know if I want to applaud him or just tell him to stop being a 82 year old follower!

LMAO!

I know a few people who would by these…which is a shame that I actually know people who would buy them.

She look like a stupid version of Myuria in Star Ocean: The lost hope video game that I’m in the process of being done with.

This is just awesome! I don’t like the Simpsons though but I know how to appreciate good Photoshopping skills, even though its not much to do.

I have no comment…

Yea, she was still alive…before…she died… -crickets-

Some of you are a victim of doing this I bet.

I would hate to play that game…wouldn’t you? -Straight face-

I use this one every CHANCE I GET.

Yea, now what?

That’s one thuggin’ ass Smurf.

Even I’m not that lazy but this is just trifling! In another note, they’re actually doing it wrong, wheres the refrigerator, the microwave?

Duct Tape FTW!

Yea, please don’t sit on a blanket with eyes…

This is just wrong…

LMAOOOO!!!!

I thought this was cute more than anything. XD

I wonder who won that…

Never in a day…

Where are child protective services when you need them?

Ahhh…the good ole days….-reminisces-

No telling if this was ever a real product or not…looks like it though so 9/10 it was.

I miss my DreamCast…-sobs-

This is a Grade A what the fuck moment. I mean what do people get out of hopping in the tub and taking a photo of themselves like this? I mean we commend you on your personal hygiene but damn dude what were you thinking? “This would be a great photo to post on the internet, I hope women as well as men find this snapshot sexy cause I DO!”

I still hate Kelis for that song…it was pointless as well as always tempting me to go buy a Burger King Milkshake.

If only I was there to understand this picture.

I hope when this individual and individuals like him look back on this idiotic shit and just shake their heads in shame and wonder why did they ever spend their money on this shit. I mean there is nothing wrong with a regular car. DAMN!

I don’t even want to comment this picture…I blame this picture on my friend, he sent it to me…so Its best I just leave it at that.

Does this scream “I’m a flaming homo” to anyone besides me?

Someone gassed this idiot up too much.

Someone needs to set fire to this clown…so maybe he’ll dry off. Its a wonder how that towel stayed up long enough for someone to take such a distasteful picture. I’m about to vomit food I haven’t ate yet…

I didn’t know Broke-back Mountain/300 was making another movie.

She’s a thug…

LMAO ROFL…DEAD…

So this concludes this blog and I will probably make another one in the near future so be on the look out for that… I guess.

Questi messaggi di Windows mi lasciano sempre un po’ perplesso.

(inutile dire che il file non esisteva)

Najpierw kilka zeznań doprowadzających krew do wrzenia:

załamana: 26.10.2008, 22:25
Walczę z tym grzechem od bardzo długiego czasu Jestem czysta od ponad miesiąca ale ostatnio coraz częściej mam nieczyste myśli….boję się, że znowu upadnę Nie chce tego ;( to jest takie ciężkie mam czasami tego dość czemu tak jest ?? Czemu tak ciężko nad tym panować ;( to przerasta moje siły ;( Jezu ratuj!

w ciemnosci: 29.06.2008, 16:26
wpadłam w to… kilka miesiecy temu… walcze, chodze czesto do spowiedzi, a dzis znow to sie stalo… takie mam wrazenie ze Bóg jest tak daleko… i ze wokól mnie jest sama ciemnosc, to juz jest dno zupełne, i wiem ze znow powinnam isc do spowiedzi, czym szybciej tym lepiej… ale nie wiem skad wziac sile… prosze modlcie sie za mnie, bardzo was prosze…

zniewolona: 21.05.2008, 08:17
walcze z tym grzechem już od ponad 4 lat często upadam…gdy po 3 miesiącach czystości myślałam że pokonałam ten grzech on znów wrócił…czasami już nie mam siły z tym walczyć…czasami rozkładam ręce w bezsilności…ale wiem że Jezus mnie kocha i chce mi pomóc a ja tak często Go krzywdze ;( powoli moja dusza umiera ;(

zalamana: 19.05.2008, 17:50
walcze z tym od 2 lat. i bardzo się tego wstydzę do tego stopnia ze nie potrafie tego wyznać na spowiedzi nikomu o tym nie mówiłam każda moja spowiedz to następna porażka:( że znowu zataiłam jakiś grzech:( jest mi z tym bardzo zle i czuję ze oddalam się od Boga

niepoukładana: 17.05.2008, 22:10
Walcze z tym od 2lat i nie potrafię tego wyznać na spowiedzi. Po kazdej spowiedzi ponoszę poraszkę że znowu zataiłam:( Jest mi z tym bardzo źle oddalam się powoli od Jezusa. proszę Was o modlitwę bo tylko to może mnie uratować przed kolejnym upadkiem:(:(:(:(:(:(

gosia: 26.03.2008, 01:32
Wasze komentarze doprowadziły mnie do wzruszenia i płaczu! Poczułam jakby ulge że nie jestem sama że nie jestem inna! Przez dobre 3 miesiące żyłam w czystości ! Jednak znow upadłam i to przed najważniejszymi świętami Wielkanocą!Jest mi tak wstyd i nienawidze siebie za to! Módlcie się za mnie abym potrafiła się podnieść ! Brakuje mi odwagi przy każdej spowiedzi boje się reakcji księdza jednak wiem ze musze sie z tego spowiadac bo inaczej nie dam rady tego przezwyciężyć! Jestem z wami wszystkimi modlitwą i duchem! Pan jest z nami !

pełna wiary: 15.03.2008, 21:03
Ja też walcze. Już od 2 miesięcy trwam w czystości. Nie przychodzi mi to łatwo, ale dzięki modlitwie i powierzeniu sie Chrystusowi wyjscie z “tego” staje sie realne. Postanowilam napisac ten komentarz, ponieważ wiem, że dodaje to otuchy tym którzy też walczą! Sama nabrałam wiary dzięki Waszym komentarza moi drodzy! To wspaniale uczucie, że nie jestem z tym sama, że są ludzie, którzy będą się za mnie modlić! Ostatnio rozważam poważnie możliwość porozmawiania o tym z kimś, kto może mi pomóc. Kto będzie trwał w tym ze mną, poradzi dobrym słowem i bedzie sie za mnie modlił. Może t będzie mój stały spowiednik..?Życze wszystkim walczącym, by nie podawali się tak łatwo! Zawierzcie Sie Bogu i z Jego pomocą przezwyciężajcie to z kazdym dniem! Obiecuje i prosze goraco o modlitwę! Trzymajcie sie!

Jeśli jeszcze nie pojęliście, chłopcy i dziewczynki, o co chodzi, już tłumaczę: Gdzieś Tam jest mnóstwo kobiet, które bliskie są rozpadu na pojedyncze molekuły, tak rozpiera ich najcudniejsze pożądanie. Są jak doskonały materiał wybuchowy. Czekają tylko na swojego pirotechnika czy pirotechniczkę, na anarchistę lub anarchistyczkę, który lub która podłoży je pod gmach opresywnej rzeczywistości, na liberatora lub liberatorkę, guru lub gurkę która lub który zerwie im zasłonę (niekoniecznie z oczu), taran lub tarankę który lub która rozbije zwarte bramy, które oddzielają je od raju, węża lub wężyce która lub który wkradnie się w ich słodkie i tęskniące łona, edukatora lub edukatorkę który lub która pokaże im Vegas lub Frisco.

Gdzieś Tam one są. A nas tam nie ma.

Jeśli to sprawa Boga, to ja przestaje płacić abonament.

Ps. Szydzę sobie. Z tej prostej przyczyny, że nie mam zamiaru się smucić, ale sprawa jest smutna. Nigdy nie spotkałem się z człowiekiem, który uważałby, że diy-erotyka jest zła, o ile tylko nie był przekonany, że jest zła sama w sobie, albo – że grozi za nią kara. Dziwnym trafem jedyni antymasturbatorzy których znam, to katolicy. Wnioskuję, że katolicyzm w tym przypadku jest takim stanem umysłu, który sprawia komuś cierpienie, czyli zasadniczo – jest względnie dla tego kogoś zły, jest chorobą. No i ogólnie, pogląd zgodnie z którym sprawianie sobie przyjemności seksualnej to złooooooo jest chory.