ou “Quem tem medo do misterioso garoto branco?”

Para ler ouvindo Morning Theft, The sky is a landfill, Last Goodbye, Grace, So Real, Yard of blonde girls, Opened Once, Everybody here wants you, New Year’s Prayer, Witche’s Rave, Satisfied Mind, Lilac Wine, Hallelujah ou Lover, you should’ve come over. Ou todas de uma vez só…

My main musical influences? Love, anger, depression, joy and dreams……and zeppelin!

Um corpo sobre a água. Céu azul, brisa leve. Alguns pássaros planam. Temperatura estável. Um balão de ar, um zepelim direcionado, cruza os céus irradiando luzes mágicas, multicoloridas, ensurdecedoras. Cheio de amor, traz o último suspiro.

Desestabiliza tudo. Os pássaros não planam mais. O frio é mórbido. O céu enegrece, a brisa vira tufão. O corpo segue a correnteza calmamente. Agora é ele que irradia luz pela água turva do rio. Multicoloridas, mágicas, ensurdecedoras, loucas, agudas, arrepiantes…

Essa luz ainda pode ser vista até hoje, ouvida, até. É doce, terna e ao mesmo tempo agonizante. Forte por fora, instável por dentro. É o som que aqueles demônios que vivem dentro da gente fazem quando vestem carcaças de anjos: belos à primeira vista, corrosivos à segunda, mortais à terceira. É mais ou menos como aqueles amores fulgazes, senhores de tantas rugas: arrebatadores num primeiro momento, arrasadores num segundo, deprimentes num terceiro…

Mas ainda assim, quem não quer ter “anjos”, mesmo que disfarçados, e amores sórdidos, mesmo que acabem?!

É esse frisson dos desejos contraditórios que sinto hoje em dia quando ouço Jeff Buckley, cantor norte-americano que, mesmo sem ter nem saber (pois se encontrava morto quando o conheci), operou mudanças significativas em minha vida. Conheço-o desde os 15 anos de idade, das noites de Alto-Falante na TV Cultura. Desde então ficamos amigos. Assim, meio que sem querer querendo.

Penso que mudou muitas coisas na minha vida, primeiro de tudo, porque eu era o adolescente chato que pedia pras pessoas baixarem (não, eu não tinha internet) músicas estranhas que eu conhecia não-sei-de-onde. Tipo The Clash, Ella Fitzgerald e Jeff Buckley, que são meio desconhecidinhos numa cidade de 8 mil habitantes do interior paulista… Mas, enfim, o fato é que as músicas se tornam muitas vezes nossas vestimentas. E às vezes é melhor não extravazar demais na escolha das peças pra não causar a impressão errada. Ainda mais na adolescência, onde qualquer deslize é motivo de chacota. É como na alegoria dos demônios com carcaça de anjo… Você se torna o que as pessoas querem só pra ser melhor aceito numa rodinha de amigos ou num grupinho de pessoas especiais.

Mas o demônio ainda vive dentro de você. Os desejos contraditórios também.

Após quase um ano dessa amizade com Jeff, comecei a sair pras noitadas esfumaçadas da boate da minha pequena cidade. Parei de ouví-lo. Queria que as luzes fossem outras. Multicoloridas e sonoras de outra forma. Queria me tornar um anjinho sem asas, como tantos outros que conheci e que hoje são meus melhores amigos. Nos entendemos através dessas luzes esfumaçadas, enfim. E foi ótimo ter vivenciado todas essas pequenas loucuras de um mundo particular.

Mas eu sempre sentia que faltavam certas coisas, que antes existiam e que, até esse ponto da história, já não existiam mais. Sentia falta da morbidez dos momentos. Afinal, de depressivo-sozinho passei a playboy-rodeado-de-gente, num estalar de dedos. Queria de volta determinadas sensibilidades, que só conseguia ter em momentos de boa solidão, que se tornaram um tanto quanto raros.

Eu e Jeff só nos tornamos amigos novamente depois que entrei na universidade. Querendo ou não os espaços tem esse poder de mudar nossos ares. A fugacidade dos amores e os platonismos deram espaço para diversas luzes, inclusive as de Jeff, que sempre estiveram em minha vida, de uma forma ou de outra.

Foram as batidas itinerantes de “Grace“, a morbidez mágica de “So Real“, os arrepios na nuca de “Last Goodbye“, as esperanças amorosas gastas de “Lover, you should’ve come over“, a suavidade irrespirável de “Hallelujah“, as perdições noturnas de “Lilac Wine” e as reconfortantes verdades de “Satisfied Mind” que construíram meus momentos mais íntimos durante muito tempo.

Hoje são, em mesmo gênero, número e grau, os sonhos delirantes de “The sky is a landfill“, a baladinha dançante de “Witche’s Rave“, a confiança inabalável de “Yard of blonde girls“, a sensualidade deprimente de “Everybody here wants you“, as dores e delícias de “New Year’s Prayer“, o sopro descompassado de “Opened Once” e os sorrisos esperançosos desprendidos pela rua de “Morning Theft” que iluminam meu caminho para uma mente cada vez mais satisfeita.

Não são somente as músicas que me trazem à tona aquele frisson dos desejos contraditórios que tão subjetivamente tentei explicar inicialmente. É o sorriso sôfrego e o olhar indeciso, as mãos suaves sobre o violão e os olhos cerrados, a falta de palavras, o excesso de gestos estranhos e a boca trêmula que me fazem gostar da figura de Jeff Buckley. Foram e são aqueles gritos agudos e afinados que criaram esses laços entre minha vida e as músicas dele.

Jeff é meu suspiro prolongado… Aquele, do pé do ouvido. É um de meus delírios.  É um dos poucos demônios que preferiu, por livre e espontâneo arbítrio, extirpar a carapaça de anjo e mostrar as garras malévolas e suaves.

É, certamente, a trilha sonora do meu último adeus.

Não é a primeira vez que escrevo sobre artistas que curto, mas certamente é a mais tocante. Jeff foi meu primeiro delírio musicado, como disse anteriormente. E longe de mim dar o último adeus tão cedo como ele. Quero ainda curtir muitas das minhas primeiras paixões, como ele mesmo foi um dia. Em todos os sentidos…

Pra enfatizar e saber mais:

Site Oficial
Documentário (Amazing Grace: Jeff Buckley, 2004, Once and Future Productions)
Site Oficial do Documentário
Trailer de Amazing Grace

This is one of my favorite songs; I think it’s beautiful. What an amazing voice. Hope you’ve all had a wonderful weekend. xo, m

How many times have you heard someone say
“If I had money, I would do things my way?”
But little they know that it’s so hard to find
One rich man in ten with a satisfied mind

When my life is over and my time has run out
My friends and my loved ones, I will leave them no doubt
But one thing’s for certain, when it comes my time
I’ll leave this old world with a satisfied mind
Once thing’s for certain, when it comes my time
I’ll leave this old world with a satisfied mind

Maybe because I got Dela’d again.

I have not been vindictive, surprising as it may seem, maybe because I know the truth. So I’m cool with that.

Anyway, hope you liked this video of Jeff Buckley singing “Satisfied Mind”. This taken in the early 90s, when he was still a struggling artist.

****

“Unless you served, no fatigues.”

“Money can’t buy back your youth when you’re old. A friend when you’re lonely, or peace to your soul. The wealthiest person is a pauper at times, compared to the man with a satisfied mind.”

Great song performed brilliantly by Jeff Buckley. I’m amazed how Buckley could take a song and make it sound so much like his own. I didn’t even realise until a few minutes ago that this was a cover. Video. I doubt I’ll ever be satisfied unfortunatelly, but it seems like it would be pretty nice.

Being Friday, a day of penance, and also the first day of a class I am taking on Catholic Social Teaching, I thought of an old country song I like, that has been covered many times by folks including Porter Wagoner, Gram Parsons, Johnny Cash, and even Bob Dylan. The song was written by J. H. “Red” Hayes and Jack Rhodes. Its simple, but powerful lyrics, remind me that money doesn’t buy happiness, and that fortune comes and goes, but being satisfied with what I have leads to happiness in all economic situations. I think with all the bad economic news coming out right now (corn, oil, wheat, and rice commodities are rising rapidly, while we seem to be in a recession, among other things), this song reminds us that happiness is not necessarily dependent on wealth, or lack of it. In fact, our Lord, in the Sermon on the Plain, said those who are poor are more blessed than those who are rich!

Of course, this song is a simplistic look at the issue, because some don’t even have basic needs being met right now, and I am not suggesting that someone who can’t feed his family should be satisfied with that. However, I am speaking to those of us who have a little more, those who, compared to most of the world, are doing all right, and sometimes are unable to recognize the good things we have!

—–

How many times have
You heard someone say
If I had his money
I could do things my way

But little they know
That it’s so hard to find
One rich man in ten
With a satisfied mind

Once I was livin
In fortune and fame
Everything that I dreamed of
To get a start in life’s game

Then suddenly it happened
I lost every dime
But I’m richer by far
With a satisfied mind

Money can’t buy back
Your youth when you’re old
Or a friend when you’re lonely
Or a love that’s grown cold

The wealthiest person
Is a pauper at times
Compared to the man
With a satisfied mind

When my life has ended
And my time has run out
My friends and my loved ones
I’ll leave there’s no doubt

But one thing’s for certain
When it comes my time
I’ll leave this old world
With a satisfied mind

I’ve realized what a blog might be good for, besides keeping track of how many hours I pressed the “refresh” button on certain websites: random thoughts! Thoughts or ideas too random to bring up in conversation and get the over-emphatic “I’m listening to what you are saying and find it very interesting” nod and smile in which the person humors you while you empty out your random thoughts on his or her tired brain.

RT#1: You know what is amazing to attend in person but terribly embarrassing to watch on TV? A concert. And I’m not talking about the musicians on stage, oh no–it’s the audience.

Here’s the thing: no one ever looks cool when they are enjoying a show. In fact, they look kind of crazy.

Have you ever watched the audience when the camera pans to the crowd during a show? We all love to sing along every time we hear a song we know, and hear every single person around you join in for the sing-a-long too. You feel connected to the band on stage, and the people around you. It could even be described as transcendent.

But nothing makes me cringe more but watching someone with tears in their eyes, rocking from one foot to another, mouthing the words hypnotically to the songs. Concert-goers tend to look like cult members, what with the swaying and the crying and the adulation, with people waving hello at the band, thinking they can get their attention, shouting “I love you!” over and over again. Think Beatlemania–basically adults acting like 14-year old girls. (I really tried to find an image of this online, but couldn’t find anything good enough. I recommend going to YouTube and searching for any filmed concert footage of your favorite band–you’ll see what I mean.)

Listening to and connecting music can be a really personal thing, so to see thousands of strangers sharing in that experience, all letting their guard down in a public place, can be a bit bizarre. Sort of like having lots of people’s diaries flip open and see all their naked fears, ambitions and desires exposed in the span of a five-minute song. Anyway, on to…

RT#2: My iPod died a few weeks ago. So when I took the bus to Boston a few weekends ago, I couldn’t imagine going the eight-hour round trip without music. So I resorted to finding a walkman (my Discman crapped out long ago, but somehow, my walkman lives on) and bring along mix tapes I made 5-10 years ago.

The quickest path to immediate nostalgia and memories of your teens and early twenties is to listen to the songs you loved so much, you had to commit them to tape. I mean, you really had to love these songs to take the time to carefully arrange them in a sonically pleasing way, trying to figure out which order to record the songs so they flow into each other the best, deciding what kind of mood each side of the tape should evoke (serene and contemplative, romantic, rawk out, fun and poppy, etc.)

Okay, so I spent a lot of time on my mix tapes. First, I’d write out a list of my favorite songs of the moment, and then work out an order for when each song would appear on the tape. I had a really old 6-disc CD changer back then, and it was the noisiest machine I ever owned. It didn’t come with a remote control (that’s how ancient it was), so I had to manually input each song I wanted to record by pressing these tiny buttons on this huge boombox. And each time the CD changed from one disc to another, it would make a clank wheeze bam sound like stereo was slowly collapsing in on itself. I was always scared a disc would get accidentally jammed and the whole thing would die on me and eat my CDs (it happened twice actually, and took forever for Circuit City to repair). It was really an arduous experience to make a mix tape on that thing.

So for me, looking at the tapes now, I know that I adored these songs to have committed them to cassette. It’s so funny to look back on the songs now, stuff I haven’t listened to in years. It reminds me of who I was and even what I was thinking about when I listen to them.

Just as an example, here’s the set list from one of my mix tapes I called “Satisfied Mind”. I realize now I made a huge mix tape sin by putting songs by the same artist from the same album back to back, but oh well. I didn’t know better:

SIDE A

Blue (Jayhawks)*Yard of Blonde Girls (Jeff Buckley)*Tom Courteney (Yo La Tengo)*Pablo & Andrea (Yo La Tengo)* Paul is Dead (Yo La Tengo)*Selfless, Cold and Composed (Ben Folds Five)*Steven’s Last Night in Town (Ben Folds Five)*Battle of Who Could Care Case (Ben Folds Five)*Evaporated(Ben Folds Five)*Morning Theft (Jeff Buckley)

Way too much Ben Folds Five on there, dontcha think?

SIDE B

Salisbury Hill (Peter Gabriel)*Will the Circle Be Unbroken (The Staple Singers)*Fake Plastic Trees (Radiohead)*Just (Radiohead)*Street Spirit(Radiohead)*The Long Road(N. Fateh Ali Khan and Eddie Vedder from Dead Man Walking soundtrack)*Satisfied Mind (Jeff Buckley)

Analyze what you will about me from that collection of songs, circa 1999 (I think).

I highly recommend going back to your oldl mix tapes to see what you were listening to, and what kind of person you were back then. It’s a crazy and sort of fun trip down memory lane. And you’ll experience the “why the hell did I like this song” a couple times. And don’t worry, just hide the walkman in your bag, like I do. It’s pretty embarrassing to walk around with, I know, but what can you do…