Not to mention- I am constantly diffusing a wild change in emotion from the word “no”. Btw- I am not afraid to tell them ‘no’. Long ago advice was given that we use other ways (besides blanket statement “no”) of limiting their world to those things that are safe and acceptable for their developmental stages. So we didn’t say “no” much for awhile, it was always buffered with a “why don’t we… [offer alternative]“, or “if we can do this, then we can do this“.

Now my eldest is an accomplished negotiator- pretty sure there is a link here.
The running joke being that she will be either a lawyer or the first female president. Don’t get overwhelmed at this “future outlook”. I try to put things in perspective really just to keep my own sanity and raise her awareness that these accomplishments and strategy are worth noting.

Is this a good thing?

We want them to feel like there are some aspects of their day, and their life, that they can have control over. Obviously not everything, they are still very young. My eldest is now 4.5, I put the half in there because she is very much over the age of 4 at this point. The kid talks like she is in college or something.

Do we want to constantly have a bargain, or to give up something of our own accord just to make it happen?
“I can bring my [whatever is in my latest sphere of obsession] to the [wherever we are going that you normally aren't allowed to bring toys to] if I [whatever seems like it might make me get my way].” This is one simple and very common example of how it all starts. Then I respond, “We don’t bring toys to [that place] because of germs and we don’t want them to get lost and [etc... adnauseum].”

It’s not that I don’t want her to enjoy her life. I just don’t want to have to deal with all the issues it causes. Her younger sister, coming in at a whopping almost 3 years old, wants to do everything she does. So now I have to get everyone in their carseats with huge stuffed animals in my face. They drop them while I’m driving and all of a sudden the world just ended! Screaming, freaking out, really hard to focus on traffic when there is a dual hot mess in the back due to some ridiculously dire situation in the backseat. And that’s just the car.

Dinner, bath, teeth brushing, brushing hair (style it? no way that is in the cards!), which books to read, who gets to pick the movie, which park we go to, what we have for breakfast, who picks up what mess, where we sit at the table, how far down the driveway we can play, crayons/markers/colored pencils/watercolor, snacks when and where and what, etc… Every single decision to be made is a battle.

And it always starts with “if”…

I have seen children throwing a tantrum, rolling on the floor/road, and crying at the top of their voices in demanding something that they want. Even worse, the parents, instead of telling them to stop the tantrum, enjoy it and give the child what (s)he is asking for.

Yes, it is difficult to see your child hurt, but is it better that your child is hurt when you are around make them understand in private and also to lend them morale support. This is exactly why parents need to train their young ones to go through denials and disappointments and allow them to learn to arise from the setbacks. Children must be taught to take a no, not only from parents but also friends, teachers, neighbours, and even strangers.

• Refuse without saying no: First start without saying a no to your child. We don’t have to sound negative all the time. Now, how do you refuse without saying a no? When you 4-year old child picks a chocolate, you immediately say a no!!  Why don’t you rephrase the statement a bit?

Avoid: No chocolate before lunch/dinner.
Here it sounds as though you are refusing the chocolate though you only mean to say no chocolate before the meal; can be had later.

Better: You can have the chocolate after lunch/dinner.
Here it sounds as though you are allowing the child to have the chocolate. Here, even though you mean to say no chocolate before the meal, that is left unsaid.

• Let them decide: Most of the kids are not interested in doing home work. Instead they either want to play or watch something on TV. Parents end up pushing them to do the homework and the adamant child keep refusing to do it. Most of the tie, the child ends up hating to do the home work. The best thing is to give them an option and let them decide.

Avoid: First do your homework and then play.

Better: Decide what you want to do—-play for half an hour and then do your homework or do your homework now and then watch your favorite cartoon show?

The child will probably decide the latter.  By offering them an option, you help your children feel like they have some power over the situation. They also feel that they have the right to make the decision. For kids uptill five years of age, this also encourages them to make simple choices and develop a sense of independence and competence.

• Never satisfy all demands: All parents derive immense satisfaction from fulfilling all the wishes of their children. It makes them feel that they are good parents. Remember, prevention is better than cure. As parents, you should deliberately leave some wishes unfulfilled. If every whim and fancy of the children is entertained and fulfilled, they will grow up to be a very self-centered person. They will also not value what they have, they will want more.

  If they don’t learn to take rejection at a little age, even small rejection at school will hurt them to a large extent.  If someone at school (may be a friend) does not reciprocate their feelings, they may get depressed or even violent. If they are not selected for a school event, they feel a sense of humiliation. Such children will not be able to take disappointments in the right spirit and there are chances that they become prone to acute depression.
  

• Discipline begins at home: Some parents tend to pamper children unreasonably. Abundance of anything, ranging from toys, games, sweets and chocolates, spoils children at a very young age. Research has shown that children brought up in affluent families, where their needs are taken care of often tend to lose their power of imagination.

  They have too much on their platter that it becomes difficult for them to yearn for anything. Therefore, parents should not bombard their children with more than what is actually needed. The need for this inherent discipline has to be first followed by the parents themselves. Only then will you be prepared to prepare your children for the rough and the smooth in life.

• Never encourage comparisons: Parents should always discourage their child’s tendency to compare his or her material assets with other children. For instance, if your child demands a toy because a neighbour has got a new one, you need not buy one for your child. You need to explain why such a craving should not be entertained. If you don’t curb this tendency at a very early stage, such children will end up constantly comparing themselves with other people.
• Don’t try to please the kids: In order to keep their daily routine hassle-free, parents tend to please children. Remember the times you have said, “Don’t disturb me now, go watch TV instead.” The policy does not pay in the long run. When you want to stop the child form watching TV, they will not listen to you. However, over appeasement has short-term gains. Children lose respect for their parents. Therefore parents must have the courage to call a spade a spade.
• Never give in out of guilt: Some parents tend to please their children out of guilt. They are ready to do anything for their children to get rid of their own guilt. These days the children are smart enough to know the reason behind the bribe and use it to their advantage. Therefore, parents should not let guilt get better of them. Instead they must have the courage to face the child’s tantrums and let them know that they cannot get everything they ask for.

For example: A working mother who comes home late may be harried. She may not have time for attending to the child’s homework. If the child asks for an ice cream after dinner, chances are that the mother will give in despite knowing the fact that an ice cream can cause a bad throat.

Sorry but I am a firm believer in the word no. Now, don’t get me wrong, children should also hear yeses, almost just as much as they hear no. But indeed, this word should be spoken firmly and with committment. Just be prepared to hang on to your parental handle bars, because, if you haven’t been enforcing the word no consistently you will be  in for one heck of a ride, at least for the first one to two times you really lay it down. And just to be realistic, probably for the rest of your children’s minority.

Here are my thoughts on this infamous word and the part it plays in the parenting game:

1. Stick to the Consequences: Now maybe you’re thinking: I am really good at saying no, but the meltdowns still continue. Next time you find yourself in a head to head with your kiddo, pay close attention. Do you concede after the punishment has been laid down? I know I realized I was doing this recently.. and it came in a sneaky little form called wanting to let them earn their prize or privilege back. It sounds innocent enough. Early release for good behavior, right? What my kids were really learning was this: “I’ll do what I want now and then be sorry later!” As a teacher, I know better than this. As a parent, it is so hard!

2. Save Negotiations for Later: Once a rule has been broken, it is not the time for bargains to be made! It is too late. My two little cuties are very good at smooth talking and bargaining! I was very conflicted on this because I truly do feel we need to listen to our kids and sometimes their reasoning is so brilliant, it’s hard not to be impressed. The truth is, bargaining is an important skill, but one that should be left to a time when conflict is not present.

3. Drop the Parental Guilt!: It’s hard not to feel guilty or regretful that you have to take away a special privilege, especially if you are a work-outside-the-home parent. But, once this simple concept is understood by your kiddos, you’re in for a much smoother ride and more time to do fun and meaningful things!

Custom Smarts not only knows every child is different, we’ve been there too! Call us to find out more about our many services for children and their families! (909) 838-0988

I can only speak for myself. These things have happened to me too many times. There’s always a chance for a new beginning. But quite frankly, I’m getting tired of the new beginnings because they seldom lead to an end.

And I think I’ve figured out why.

I’m not living the life I should be living to reach the goals I have set for myself.

So, today, I’m just going to follow the bits of advice that I gathered over the weekend and post them here to share with you.

If you want to know what you are truly committed to … take a look at your life. We are always producing that which we are most committed to … so … if you are not seeing what you say you want, then you are likely more UNCONSCIOUSLY committed to something else …

Good point above. Is family important to you? Is that where your commitment lies? It’s important to me and I’m getting better at my commitment to all things family.

Here’s something else that I have a hard time with: If something isn’t happening fast enough, I start to give up on it. Looking back on the years that I have been through and realizing how quickly those years passed me by, I should spend a little more time working on things to their completion knowing full well that I will look back on this time and wonder where it went. This little snail is a good reminder to me…

And, though not so motivating in and of itself, I had to share this one. It’s so true and it’s also a good reminder to me that part of getting to my goals is saying no to my kids. In time, they will understand. Just like how I came to understand why my parents said no to me. It was for my own good. (And I could stand to say no to the child inside me, too. That kid can throw some serious temper tantrums!)

I gathered these pictures and sayings from a friend (Mary). I wish I could provide proper photo credits, but unfortunately I don’t know the pictures’ origins. But if you want to see motivation in action, check out Mary’s company, Cristina’s Tortina Shop, on Facebook.

Ice cream trucks are so cool, and I personally love the fact that we still have them in our neighborhood! When my daughter was little, she would freak out when she heard the ice cream truck music and beg for me to by her one. And ‘occasionally’ I did, but NOT every time it came down our street! After a few times of being told no, she understood that sometimes she could get an ice cream treat from the ice cream man, and sometimes she could not. And she learned to accept that, with having a ‘melt down’ because I taught her that she could not always get what she wanted. Mom was the boss, and if she behaved herself, she would be allowed to have the occasional treat!

Do you think banning the ice cream truck so you don’t have to tell your kids “NO” and upset them, is a better idea and easier than teaching them that they cannot always have what they want?

Having dreams and no means of making it real; climbing on chairs just to get a little bit taller and have a slightly more exciting view of the world… Wouldn’t it be more exciting if that sign said: “What about running around or building a sand castle instead?”

It’s all about giving options, rather than outright “NO”.

It was a challenging week as a parent and teacher, to say the least. No matter how old one’s children are, a mother is a mother forever ; giving advice and worrying will never end. My children and students at school provided me with many sleepless nights this week.

My daughter, a college senior has so much reason for worry. She is preparing a very ambitious senior piano recital, even though she is a Spanish major/music minor. She has prepared 9 pieces beginning with Bach and ending with George Crumb totaling well over an hour of music. While doing this, she is scanning every potential job opportunity for when she graduates, working a few hours a week at the Red Cross, volunteering at an autistic school and, let’s not forget, attending her regular every day classes. This morning she landed in Costa Rica for a much needed spring break.

My son, a college freshman showed what he was made of by making dean’s list first semester. This semester, not only is he taking a normal freshman load, but also auditing Japanese classes and catering for work study. He planned spring break in Mexico. After much research and news warnings, we put a halt to the trip. Needless to say, it put major stress on our relationship. He has earned a spring break, but being the mom, I was so scared about the destination, I felt I had to step in. All week I have been very stressed out about this, so worried that I was ruining my relationship with my boy. Parent advice, once again, absolutely what he does not want to hear.

Then I got a phone call from my daughter. She had just finished an afternoon at the autistic school. She called to tell me “she got it”. She was pushing a child on a swing and all of a sudden the “parent worry instinct” over came her; she was so worried that the child was going to fall off and get hurt. She said she could only push in little bits because if the child fell she would be responsible. “Now I see why you worry so much about my brother and me. If I ever have kids I am going to wrap them in bubble wrap,” she said. I was laughing so hard and was so proud; my daughter was thanking me and showing that she was becoming an adult. It was a moment that I will always treasure. She even called her brother to share her revelation.

Also this week my high school students had a big argument during rehearsal. It ended with one girl leaving the rehearsal. After class she came in to talk to me about it. I put on my mom shoes and went to work. We chatted for about 30 minutes. After a few laughs, tears and tons of advice, she left with a game plan for future conflicts, I think.

As educators and parents we need to give advice to students of all ages, whether they think they need it or not. Will those words waltz around their head like a song on their i-pod? Will they heed our words? Will they continue to respect us regardless of how ridiculous they think our advice is? My guess is yes. I still hear my parents words and am very close to both of my parents.

I turned out ok.

I was one of these kids who asked my mother weekly if I could quit piano lessons. I also took dancing lessons and truly loved it. I loved to sing too. So I didn’t feel I was giving up music- I just wanted to give up on the piano. ( If you’ve read my earlier blogs, you already know why) But her answer was always the same, “No. I quit when I was young and I regretted it. So you keep working and someday you will be able to just sit and play for fun.” She was right; I have never heard an adult say that they were glad they quit music lessons.

So, I kept playing and kept asking to quit. Needless to say, everyone was shocked when I went to college for music education. (Remember, I said I did like music; I just hated to practice) Even in college I would come home on breaks and cry to my mother that I wanted to quit. At that point though, the choice was up to me and she just listened. At graduation from college I vividly remember walking up to the stage to receive my “bachelor’s of music education” diploma and thinking, “I never have to practice again!”.

There you have it! I am now a public school music teacher and a piano teacher. And, with a smile, I am asking my students to practice every day. I tell my students my story and they laugh just thinking that I know how they feel sometimes.

When should a student quit lessons? The answer is never. I truly believe kids need music lessons (once again, read my other blogs to find out why). But I also truly believe that it is the teacher and parent’s job to make the lessons and practices positive, creative, and fun. It is the teacher and parents job to encourage without forcing, celebrate their efforts, and share the learning process so that the child does not feel the burden on his shoulders. Children learn best in a loving environment.

As our children were growing up we told them they had 3 daily responsibilities: brush your teeth, make your bed, practice. When should children be allowed to quit? Now that I am an adult the answer has become “never”.

p.s. Do I practice? The answer is ‘yes’…….. sometimes!