Hi, it’s me – but just who is me? Don’t worry I ask myself the same question sometimes…you see the true answer is I really don’t know. I don’t know who I am anymore, not at all.

I used to be a strong, healthy and rather independent teenager, your normal kind of guy , not the attention seeking mother fucker I am going to look like by posting this. But trust me – I don’t want attention, what I do want is to explain some stuff and get a lot of things off my chest, so if anyone at all ever stumbles upon this blog, you will know at least a little bit about what has brought me to this point. In return for reading this blog I promise to be completely honest with you about my life and thoughts, you have my word.

“I don’t expect them to understand but I do expect them to listen…”

I was a pretty fucked up kid ^^, after all – wouldn’t you be if you had been abused by your own father? Yeah you heard it, fuck it, I don’t care anymore what people think of me.  Sometimes I feel like it was my fault and maybe it was but I said i’d be completely honest with you and I think the fact I was raped when I was young may be the reason for who I am now…kind of like a knock on effect.

“Just like a sick game of dominos…”

Sometimes I lay awake at night with the memories running through my head, again and again…they just won’t stop. I still have poems that I wrote when I was seven about him…

“I feel his stare as he strips me bare, turns me over and rips off my underwear…”

“Why will no-one believe me even when they see the bruises he leaves me?”

“My head bangs the bed, blood drips from me where i’ve bled, please god, please let him beat me dead”

Ok, so I was seven…i’m a lot better of a writer now. Probably the one thing I am actually good at nowadays.

Today’s Puffington Host home page has 7 headlines with Sarah Palin’s name in them:

Watch as Robin Williams takes on Sarah Palin – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/25/robin-williams-takes-on-s_n_370246.html

Trooper who Warred with Palin Breaks His Silence – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/geoffrey-dunn/more-palin-lies-the-troop_b_371293.html

Find Out Where Palin is spending Thanksgiving – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/26/palin-spends-thanksgiving_n_371668.html

Palin and Twilight American Pilgrimages – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stuart-whatley/palin-and-itwilighti-amer_b_371035.html

Beck Rules Out Running with Palin – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/26/beck-rules-out-2012-run-w_n_371728.html

Palin Tricked by Comedian Again – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/26/palin-tricked-by-comedian_n_371698.html

Palin Supporters Struggle to Explain why they support Palin – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/23/palin-supporters-struggle_n_367800.html

And that’s not counting the obvious takeoff on a book that will easily sell a million copies this year:

A Rogue Thanksgiving – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-kelly/a-rogue-thanksgiving_b_370972.html

Of course they aren’t obsessed, they are feces dribbling scared.

How easy it is to forget about things when you’re busy. I have forgotten about my writing, about my meetings. Can you believe that last night I didn’t even realize that it was Wednesday and the thought that the meeting would be that night didn’t even cross my mind? I felt guilty afterward, but I guess all I can do is try harder.

With school stuff taking over, I hardly write anymore. Right before I fall asleep I have words all over my head. And I recite phrases that are really unlike me to think or feel. It’s weird. It’s like when I’m about to go to sleep or when I’m in the shower, or cooking or doing random stuff, I have the most inspiration of all. Maybe not inspiration. Maybe it’s just talent. I’d like to think so.

Anyway, I plan on writing much more from now on. But sometimes my hand is afraid to touch a paper. I’m afraid of knowing my thoughts are sad again, that deep inside, I’m not ready to face what I am old enough to face now.

I was telling a friend the other night that I am afraid of how I’ll end up. That I might get a crappy career that I’m not happy with. That I’ll marry the first guy that comes along and treats me right – just to make my parents unworried about me, just to check another thing on the list of my senseless illusions. I don’t want to live my life on auto-pilot anymore, you know? I want to know what I’m loving and put all the passion I can into it. I want to do better and wish well for others. I think I’m not doing so bad in trying, but for some reason, I’m just not succeeding.

I want to move away, far away…I want to go to a place where I can be me all over again. But then I remember one of my favorite but most true lyrics…”every step that you take could be your biggest mistake; it could bend or it could break, but that’s the risk that you take”. All I wonder is, should I let that truth cripple me while I try to make decisions, or should it make me strong? I think it’s telling me to be strong. I think it’s saying that no matter what you do, it’s all hanging on a piece of thin wire, and your life could change for the worse or the better….so I might as well do what I want the most and see which way that takes me.

★ spunkinator

So yesterday was a bad day. A really BAD day. Like I came home and threw my bag one one direction, my xmas shopping in the other, and then slammed my shoes into my closet so hard I might have damaged the dry-wall.

Then I growled and swore, and ate some food that technically, given the rather voluptuous state of my hips at the moment, I shouldn’t have. Then instead of sitting down to watch 80’s movies like I wanted to, I had to put shoes on and go shopping, and haul 300 tonnes to rubbish and pizza boxes to the basement (Did Andre move in while I was away?), and deal with a whole kitty litter THING.

(Rump is in my bad books.)

So by the time I finally finished all that, PLUS drafting up the new office manual design…. I was fucking exhausted.

I crawled onto bed still wearing my jeans and grocery shopping tee-shirt. (Yes. I have a specific tee-shirt that I wear to the supermarket. I don’t know why, I think it’s usually just a co-incidence thing.) intending to do a little reading for uni, before showering and then sleeping.

I didn’t read, as soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep.

A few hours later I shot up in bed just knowing that someone was in my room looking at me.

Sure enough I open my eyes and there’s a huge shadow in my bedroom door. I launch myself out of bed, and yelp – exactly like a startled wolf – and Ran (THE ASS) laughs at me.

And worse yet? He keeps insisting that I screamed. As if. I do not scream like a girl.

Ran: {Laughing} Easy, Easy! It’s just me. Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.

Ayla: You didn’t scare me.

Ran: Right. So what was he screaming for?

Ayla: I wasn’t screaming. That was my battle cry.

Ran: Right… Babe, you’re shaking.

Ayla: From emotion. I’m just so pleased to see that you’ve broken into my house again…

Ran: Sorry, I need somewhere to crash, and you didn’t answer your door, or your phone when I called.

(I notice for the first time that he looks exhausted.)

Ayla: What’s wrong with your place?

Ran: Andre and Tiny are… Making up. Loudly. And I had a bad day.

(He says this while stripping down to his underwear. I take a moment to admire his chest.)

Ran: Why are you still dressed?

Ayla: I didn’t mean to fall asleep when I did. I had a stupid day.

Ran: Me too. Want a hug?

Ayla: … You didn’t happen to stumble across a new blog today did you?

Ran: A what?

Ayla: Never mind.

So I stepped out of my jeans and tee-shirt, and reached for my PJ’s. He tackled me onto the bed before I could reach them. Then he enfolded himself around me, and I buried my face into his shoulder and traced the veins in his forearms.

(He has lots. It’s weird. I checked mine and I can barely see them, but his are almost sticky-outy.)

Ran: Your hair smells good.

Ayla: I got it cut. The hairdresser gave me a mullet.

Ran: It looks fine. It’s still nice and long… {He runs his free hand through my hair, and tugs a bit} Would you like me to rip her limb from limb?

Ayla: No. She gave me a discount, and a free treatment.

….

Ran: So about the screaming-

Ayla: I did not scream.

Ran: Sure. About the battlecry then – Sorry. I really didn’t mean to freak you out.

Ayla: You should stop breaking into my house then.

Ran: What if we organized nights where I come over, like sometimes after late night Pack business like tonight. That way you’d be expecting me, and there’d be less screaming.

Ayla: It was a Battlecry. And OK, on a casual basis. Not every night.

….

Ayla: So… shouldn’t we be having hot sweaty sex?

Ran: {all sleepy and comfortable} Mm.

Ayla: Wait, you don’t want to sleep with me?

Ran: {snorts} Of course I do. {He shifts a bit and it becomes very clear that at least one part of him would very much like sex}

Ayla: So why aren’t we…

Ran: Because this is nice too. Besides I’m holding out.

Ayla: For what?

Ran: For you to agree to engage in some form of non-casual relationship with me.

Ayla: ….

Ran: Well?

Ayla: I’m thinking about it.

Ran: {chuckles} Sure. Just let me know when you’ve made up your mind.

The holidays are around the corner and advertisements are now seen and heard everywhere – on radios, TV and online. Therefore, I decided to discuss about advertisements and marketing in North America. Yes, in North America, I noticed that the advertisements are not the same as what I grew up with. The ads here are intended to scare people into action. So, here is my rant about advertisements from my point of view.

Ethiopian Ads
Growing up in Ethiopia, I really enjoyed watching advertisements on TV. For instance, I remember a Pepsi commercial featuring Pele, the greatest soccer player of all time. We would watch the slow motion kick of Pele and how he enjoyed drinking Pepsi after the game. I and all my friends consumed so many bottles of Pepsi during our teens, just to imitate Pele. Yes, the ad worked for Pepsi. It was innocent – kids and grown ups fell for it.

Radio Talk Shows
The scary thing is, it seems that many people are unable or unwilling to draw the distinction between entertainment and information, and for them talk radio shows become less about entertainment and more about providing them insight. The type of insight which is based upon rumor, falsehoods, distortions and flat out lies. The type of insight which makes me question the true intelligence of the common man. The type of insight, which reaffirms my belief that the ignorant and the uneducated are easily influenced by those who are adept at preying upon fear.

I admit that if I’m near a radio, I will sometimes tune to talk radio to be entertained … but that is where it stops. I admit and recognize that talk radio exists for one true purpose, and that purpose is to entertain rather than inform. If you want to be informed you can listen to the news, if you want to be entertained (and you aren’t particularly interested in sports), you have talk radio.

On talk radio shows, you can hear how they believe one political party is the source of all that is evil and how if you don’t vote for the other party your children and grandchildren will be those that suffer. Time after time, after time, if you toss aside all of the fluff and excess, when you objectively look at any given subject you will find the basis is nothing other than fear. The pundits know if they can scare the listener, that listener will keep coming back for more.

Fear, Fear and Fear
Because when you really boil it all down, that is what it is all about … fear. You can listen to the programs themselves and hear about how a certain disease (say H1N1) or a specific government program are going to ruin our way of life.

Nowhere is this concept more obvious than the one time you would expect the theme of fear to be absent. I’m talking about the commercial breaks in between segments, and if you take some time to actually listen, you will soon discover that the advertisers have found a niche market, and that niche involves the concept of fear.

Millions upon millions of dollars in advertising are spent every year, and it is very obvious that those marketing firms know the true demographic listening to talk radio at any given point is one built upon fear – thus they cater to, and profit from, that demographic.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at the list below of some of the advertisements presented during the commercial breaks of talk radio shows and TV programs.

• Alarm Force – appealing to the fear of burglary or home invasion.

• Tax Planning – appeals to the fear of Revenue Canada “stealing” money or leaving a person destitute.

• Various Gold Investing Firms – preying upon the loss of net worth in the stock market and retirement plans. Also suggests the apocalyptic scenario where paper money holds no value.

• Law Firms specializing in Personal Injury Lawsuits – Appeals to the fear that surviving family members might not be taken care of in the case of severe disability or *gasp* death. Also appeals the desire to hold someone or something else accountable for anything bad which might happen in one’s life.

• Life Insurance – again this appeals to the fear that loved ones won’t be financially secure if the primary bread winner is no longer around to provide.

• Carbonite Online Backup Software – appeals to the fear that a computer will crash resulting in the loss of financial data, vital documents, or irreplaceable files, photos etc.; encouraging people to sign up for their services.

• Medications – appeals to the fear that health problems (namely cancer) will end a life prematurely.

• Debt Management and Debt Collections services – appeals to the fear that ‘evil’ corporations will take all of a persons earnings leaving them with nothing.

• Legal Will – appeals to the fear that a person will die without a proper will or living trust being established. Also appeals to the fear the government will seize assets leaving surviving family members with nothing.

• Performance Enhancers for Men – making older men fear that they won`t be able to do it when the time is ready for action

• Financial Institutions – scaring people by saying … “in this economy” … in every sentence

So, as you can see, between disaster coverage, legal services, and various forms of self protection services, all of these products have one thing in common. They all appeal to some level of fear.

Now, if this were only a small percentage of the ads or if I cherry picked these ads over a period of two or three months, it might not be all that indicative of a larger issue, but the fact is every single one of these advertisements were heard within 90 minutes of talk radio. Not 90 days, not 90 hours – but 90 minutes. On other days, you might be able to hear the same ads or slight variations of them time and time again, and there were very few other ads that weren’t based in some way upon fear.

On the radio, I never heard a commercial about cleaning products, toothpaste, tea, coffee, gasoline or shampoo.

Conclusion
Time and time again, day after day, the vast majority of ads I ever hear pertain to fear, and the only logical conclusion that can be reached is that advertisers know the target core demographic that tunes into talk radio on a daily basis is scared. They might be scared about their finances or scared about their health or scared about the government, about home security, or maybe just scared about common sense or logic – but in some way these people are scared.

So, if the advertisers know it, doesn’t it make sense that the talk radio hosts know it as well? Don’t kid yourself – they know it, they count on it, and they prey upon it… that much is certain. So, maybe the next time you hear someone quote something direct from the mouth of a talk radio host, you should ask yourself … what are they afraid of?

Yes, I now think that you agree with me that fear sells!

My next blog entry will be on Thursday December 03, 2009.

Mullkam Samint!

Tonight I am feeling exceptionally depressed.  Usually depression is there, hiding, but not far away.  Tonight it’s right here, in my face.  I have lost ana.  I don’t know where she is, where she went, but I have not at all forgotten about her.  I want her back.  Right now she is all I think about, and so it’s a wonder she doesn’t come back.  I don’t know what’s wrong.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I’m looking for her, anywhere I can think.  I go online and I go looking in different people.  I just keep eating, though, like a fatass.

So I want to go away for a week.  Just be mostly by myself, without stressed, and concentrate fully on ana.  I won’t be able to binge there, so I feel like it’ll be better.  I also want to stay here, though.  My heart wants to see him. It doesn’t want to leave and miss a chance to be with him.  But my feelings for ana will hopefully be stronger.  I need her.

I was watching a documentary on ”fat people”.  Haha, the stuff I watch, you know.  The doctors said, though, that the fat cells in your body never go away after you accumulate them, they just shrink.  It made me freak out, want to cry.  I don’t want to gain any more fat cells.  It’s disgusting.  It sounds disgusting and it looks disgusting and everyone knows it.  I’ve had so many people telling me if I just tried to be healthy that I would lose weight, and actually be able to keep it off.  But this documentary just proves further the things I’ve already known.  Half of fat people don’t even lose the weight, and the percentage of the ones who do and keep it off are even less.  That’s not going to be me.  I’m not going to waste my time, losing two pounds a freaking week.

I feel like the people around me need to change, too.  Or I need to get rid of them.  I feel like they just make me fatter.  When I go somewhere with someone who is fat, or when I am introducing someone I know to someone else I know who is fat, I always feel the need to tell them before, “they’re fat.  i already know.  they’re fat, and i do hate it”.  I want to say it, and maybe even have said it a few times.  but I don’t want to think I’m more fat just because of someone else being fat.  Does anyone else feel that way?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Lots of food; shit.  But Friday I leave, and I hope I’ll fast.  I hope that there’s enough memory left of ana that I can do that.  And find her in the process.  A side note, I haven’t weighed myself in a while.  Way too fucking scared.

stay strong, lovelies.

I don’t have the patience anymore. I don’t feel like laughing when I go home and there is no electricity and water. I am not amused when I want to buy something or go somewhere and the money they ask is the triple of the normal price. I am not ok anymore with the dust that surrounds my entire existence. I am sick of the unknown to me people that grab me on the street or feel the need to talk with me. I am sorry! I know they are trying to be friendly but I am tired of it.

The thing I hate the most is people talking in Twi about me in the tro tro and making jokes.  They look at me and

Patience

laugh. I speak to them in Romanian just to show them it’s weird when people do that to you. They ask if I insulted them. I ask: “Did you just insult me in Twi?” Thank God is not happening very often!

I have never been a party girl so by now I am bored with the party places in Accra. I like travelling but I finished seeing all I wanted to see and it’s no fun going to the same place more than twice. My job was never extremely exciting like AIESEC used to be, but it becomes more annoying every day. And I hate that.

The only thing I will miss about my experience here are my friends. We will all go to our home countries in the end but somehow I am positive we will meet again, somewhere, somehow!

I am more than ready to go home…  Although I am so scared! I don’t know if I will find a job or another internship. The idea of asking money from my family makes me really sick. They have always always been there for me, no matter what. But I am 25 now and I want to be ok on my own.

I have made plenty bad choices because I wasn’t patient enough… Rushing into things just because I hate the lack of action or not knowing what my next step should be. I always had a plan. In 2 year from now I will do that… in 200x I will be there. Not knowing and not having a plan from January 1 makes me scared. But I do hope my next step will not be made because of lack of patience!

The only thing I am certain about is that I will do my best. I still believe that good things happen to good people and I like to think about myself that I am a good individual.

Me trying to be patient!

Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Ok, så jeg reiser om 32 dager. Jeg vet fortsatt ikke hvor jeg skal bo mens jeg er der, og jeg aner ikke hva det er jeg skal gjøre. Hvem er det som gjør noe sånt som dette? Jeg begynner å lure på om jeg rett og slett er dum. Hva leter jeg etter, egentlig? Hva er det jeg vil? Jeg har søren ikke peiling. Når jeg lander i New York ca. klokken 18.45 den 27. desember har jeg ikke lenger en eneste ting fastsatt i livet mitt. Jeg vet ikke engang når jeg skal hjem igjen! Hvem er det som reiser til USA uten returbillett?! Jeg er offisielt grepet av panikk.

Helt alene kommer jeg til å stå der. Jeg begynner nesten å grine bare jeg tenker på det. Aldri, i hele mitt 18 og et halvt år gamle liv, har jeg vært så redd for hva som kommer. Jeg har alltid ventet på fremtiden – ventet på en alder, ventet på noe jeg skal få. Nå står jeg snart face-to-face med det jeg har ventet på det siste året, og jeg er livredd. Hva skal jeg vente på når jeg er der? Når jeg står på flyplassen i New York har jeg ikke lenger noe å vente på – da er jeg der. Om jeg skal være helt ærlig så aner jeg ikke hva jeg holder på med. Jeg har ikke peiling. Hvorfor reiser jeg? Hva er det som er så fint der ute i verden som jeg ikke kan få her? Jeg har aldri følt meg så ensom som jeg gjør når jeg tenker på at jeg skal reise. Og jeg har vært mye ensom.

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about the climb

]]> http://farhanahizani.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/all-i-need/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:15:25 +0000 farhanahizani http://farhanahizani.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/all-i-need/

Bad news; I still do not have the time to blog about my so called trip. Nor do I have the mood or ideas to write about it. But I WILL write about it all. I promise. Someone (you know who you are) is waiting for it though I bet you that it is going to be super duper boring :-|

Lately, I haven’t been getting the mood to blog which is extremely RARE and UNUSUAL for me, right? All the “loyal” readers should know that. On normal days, I usually write AT LEAST, at the VERY least, one post per day. And sometimes, up to 3 posts per day (I think I have not yet written more than that, right?)

And now, here I am, forcing myself to blog about my no mood for blogging. How weird is that? On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give it a weird scale of 3. Not so weird after all huh.

I am just feeling super guilty right now. I don’t know how to get rid of this guilt. I don’t know how to get rid of this fear and worry inside me. God, how I wish I am not so f*cked up. Sorry for my choice of word this time, but seriously, I have not the time to be all delicate like a flower and all that rubbish.

Eh, wait. Not that I am implying that being gentle and polite and all that are rubbish, okay? Seriously, no. But at this moment, those stuffs seem like rubbish TO ME, if I were to use them. Yes.

I am holding back tears. Urghhhhhh. I badly want to sob my eyeballs out. Here I go, being all emotional again. But who wouldn’t if they just put themselves in MY shoes? Seriously, you would cry too. Unless, you are like this totally devilish person or something, I don’t know.

I want Mama. I want her to hug me and tell me that everything’s going to be alright. I want her to caress and pat my head. I want to cuddle up next to her and feel like I am just a little child again. I am scared. I am seriously, seriously, scared.I just want Mama.

Sometimes, really, I just wish I was born an animal. So what if I don’t have any brain? So what if I look so damn ugly? So what if some people is going to kill me for my meat or whatever? At least I won’t have to experience things like fear, guilt, heartbroken, insecure and all that hated feelings. Right?

But then again, I won’t know the meaning of family and friendship and happiness, etc. I doubt there’d be so much that I would miss out on. But I think I’d give it all to be a SWAN. Yeah, just like the one I saw in Switzerland. I think they are protected animals, right? Yeah, so it’d be best to just be them. Pretty and beautiful and peaceful. No worries about anything else in the world.

Forgive me, please.

I seriously don’t know how to think in the correct way again. Seriously no clue how to.

Urgh. I need chocolate.

Because it’s just too good.

xoxo, Fanah.

Don’t get Hippopot-  //
omonstrosesquippeda- //
liophobia

When my own words fail me, I find comfort in the fact that someone else once felt the way I am feeling now and was able to put those feelings into a more beautiful composition than I most likely could have. So now, for your listening pleasure here is Imogen Heap’s “The Walk”.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, ’cause you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That’s where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don’t make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they’ve got control,
There’s no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, it’s just what I don’t need,
Why make me feel like this, it’s definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault

I will not get attached. I will not get attached. I will not get attached. Oh shoot, I think I might have gotten a little attached…Fuck!

My leg looks even worse than this Just in the last hour it started swelling up. The dent is a cavern. There are new big lumps and bumps. It itches like crazy. I’m breaking into hives again. I burst into tears and want to hide. I do not want to go back to the ER. The very first time I ever had a real DVT clot in my leg was Thanksgiving day 1984.

My leg hurts really bad….and more by the second. I just got up. My leg is hot and swollen tight all the way up my leg. I moved to the bed and am lying flat. Geeeeeeeeze…it hurts

If I close my eyes will it all go away?

Valve, you’ve surpassed yourselves this time, rushing out a sequel to a game, and doing a pretty good job of it if I’m completely honest. But why, for the love of all that is holy, would you make a game where all your advanced features make the game a wobbly mess of doody. DOODY TO YOU SIR!! Multicore rendering, if you cant make it work, then DON’T INCLUDE IT. Anyway, other people are probably wondering what I’m going on about, so I’ll put it in simpler terms; if you bought a game, you’d expect it to work right? You wouldn’t expect it to freeze after you’ve been playing it for 30 minutes and force your face into contorted asian rage such as this?

NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Didn’t think so. Well that’s what this game is doing to me. All you smug console players are all “Oh there’s no problem for me na na na” but you can’t search google for inappropriate things on your little gamebox, whereas I can!! HA!

Oh yeah, the game is Left 4 Dead 2; I just realised I hadn’t actually mentioned the game’s name.

In other not so geeky news I had my first ever bad turbulence experience on an aeroplane last night. I was convinced I was going to die and even started to severely panic! I had to tell the old (and perfectly calm I might add) couple in the seats beside me that it was my first time fly (which you bet your ass it ISN’T) because I was so embarrassed of how badly I panicked! I feel that this adorable cat’s face best resembles my expression from the plane last night:

FUCKING FUCK OF ALL FUCKS!!!

Peace out bro’s and ho’s, I’m gona make me some Pasta n Sauce!

..I watched bored around,  i noticed a white arm grabbing my friends shoulder, my friend didn’t even turn around. I blinked and the arm was gone, still i followed my memory and looked at the direction where it had come from. A small shining white body was twitching in the corner besides the door. My pulse was rising and i was more scared than i ever had. But then the first light for the encore flashed and the creature was gone. I looked at my friend, she was cheering at the encore already..

So you believe in Ghosts? Is there spirits wandering around?
I’m not a religious or a very scared person, just a normal girl.
But i do believe in ghosts, not that anything big supernatural has happened to me.

I think mostly i wanna believe, cos knowing of stuff like that would make me special too?

The only really weird thing that has happened to me is the story i started this entry with, but I’m still confused if my eyes just lied or was that ‘real’?

Mabye I should ask around people what they think of ghosts?

Oh i just remembered another thing that happened me..
i think i will end this entry with it

...It was midday and everyone was at work. I was walking alone to work, i had been having a awful headache.
As i stopped to light a tobacco i saw in my eye corner a black long shadow fast catching up with me. I breathed in the smoke and started walking fast again and as i turned to the right i looked back, but nobody was there. But this time i saw a black person slowly walking a hundred meters in front of me…

Now i was catching up with it?

…lol

So.

It’s been a pretty       l   o    n    g      time since I last wrote in this thing and I thought it was about time I put something new. And what’s the newest part of my life I hear you cry? Well, I’ll tell you. I’m continously having nightmares. That’s right, nightmares. And trust me, they aint pretty. And it aint fish bitch. Anyway. Enough of the jokes and wise cracks. Perhaps it’s time to explain?

It doesn’t even happen every night. But when it does, lots and lots seems to get into my head and mess with what has the ability to scare me. One of the newest things, is a small silver creature, that always comes and says to me “i’ll be your happiest of nightmares” and trust me, once you’ve seen that little guy once, YOU DON’T EVER WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN. It’s kind of odd to think that something that I made in my own mind is scaring me that badly. But it’s not even him that’s the problem!

Eh, perhaps people think that I’m a right freak, but to be honest it’s ever so slightly, weird? And to say the least, Abby + Nightmares is a HUGE no no. But there’s nothing I can do!

Got any ideas as to what the hell I can do to stop them? They just keep getting worse and that little guy just keeps coming back.

Enough of this! Sleep is in order.

- Laters,

AbbyArcanine. (:

Ever been on a moving vehicle and been crazy scared? Ever been on a moving house and been out of your mind frightened? It’s not the easiest to know when someone is scared, but when I saw a woman on the subway with her arms stretched out and looking a bit frightened she reminded me of Russell in Up (the Movie). This was pretty funny and a few were laughing at her, not me of course. I don’t do that sort of thing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. Senior. I still can’t believe that in a couple of months I’ll be 18. That in a week or so college applications will be due. I’ve never been so lost in life… or felt so empty as I do now. It scares me. I haven’t even applied to any colleges.

All my life I was decided on a career, of going to college and majoring in something that I knew I wouldn’t love. I laugh at the thought. I took classes that I know I wouldn’t love so much. Took AP classes I didn’t want to work hard for. I tried so hard to please everyone that I’d forgotten about myself.

Who am I? What do I want? What makes me happy? What makes me tick? What do I love to do? Why do I do it? Where do I want my life to lead to? There are so many questions I’ve never even thought of until now. But thinking about them doesn’t suit me at all. I think at some point of all this thinking, I just gave up. I gave up trying to please everyone but I might have just given up finding who I am earlier.

Then I start to think about why I draw, why I immerse myself so much in mangas, or why I love to be alone. Do I even really love those things? Have I always been this confused? I smile. This feeling is somewhat calming yet very stressful. Thinking about this means I’m finally stepping off course but there’s still a part of me who worries. A part of me that tells me to fulfill my parent’s wishes.

Do I even love to draw? No… actually, it’s tiring. Sometimes it’s even boring. I did it to escape. It was my way of disappearing from reality and living in a world controlled by me. I didn’t love it. I needed it. It’s one of those things where one asks, do you need me because you love me or do you love me because you need me. I’d pick the second. It almost feels like an obligation at some point though it was satisfying to hear my sister surrender to my talent… skill. The truth is, I force out what I draw. There’s no feeling in it, purely shallow.

All the things I do are ways for me to escape my life. There’s nothing wrong with that, I know. It’s a normal thing to want but I hate normal. I hate being a typical teenager. To me, it’s pointless… not something I want to experience. I’ve always acted older than who I am… and sometimes I wish that I’d never gotten the courage to tell my guy best friend that I like him so that it wouldn’t lead to my realization about someone else and then leading to what my life is now. I want to go back to junior year and do every thing differently. I don’t want a life surrounded by drama… by typical teenager events. Crushes are useless to me but I have them and I hate it. I hate feeling crappy because I’ve hurt someone. I hate feeling crappy because someone misunderstood me. I hate feeling like I’ve got to worry about school, social life and personal life all together. I hate feeling like I need to live up to everyone’s expectations.

Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that I’m okay the way I am. That it’s alright to be just me. That it’s okay to cry and complain. I want that one shoulder that I can borrow and just surrender to. I want someone to hold my hand and lead me to my path. I just want to hear from someone, other than myself, that every thing is fine the way they are.

but it’s one of those things that are impossible. To hear someone speak to me… haha it reminds me of Kyo from Fruits Basket (A manga by Natsuki Takaya) but not everyone knows what I’m talking about so it’d be really impossible to actually carry out what I want.

Fernando said that I don’t have a voice in my writing. I find that laughable in the sense that writing was the only hobby I’ve held on to since I was in fourth grade. Once I realized how true his words rang, the laughter died away and I was left with only one question in my mind: Why?

Technically, I write well. No grammatical errors and the transitional sentences are in the right places. However, I write like a robot. When I step back and suddenly face my own writing, I feel the urge to erase everything. “What’s wrong with me?” I think, and I can’t complete what I set out to do–to write a great article. But then, it gets stamped on.

As an artist and a poet/songwriter, writing should be easy. Maybe I’m psyching my mind out for making it harder than it really should be. Maybe I’m analyzing it too much. The problem must lie with who I am as a person. My friends think I’m a robot. When I admitted how scared I was of fire, combustible things, and balloons, they were surprised.

“It humanizes you, I guess,” my friend said one time. “You’re like a robot.” It was no different for other people. There’s this perfect image that people see in me, and I personally hate it. But I can’t change who I am. I am well-rounded. I am approachable. I am intelligent, confident, and ambitious. So how does all of that translate to being inhuman? I guess it’s because I’m good at too many things.

Honestly, I used to feel like I wasn’t human, like I couldn’t communicate with people because we weren’t speaking the same language for some reason. In eighth grade, I spent a year not talking to anyone. It was like being mute made me disappear and I was happy. I had no expectations on my shoulders. I was simply me, invisible old me. I was tormented in one aspect of my life during that time period, but I was happy when I wasn’t being judged. Writing felt natural then. I guess it was the only way I could speak to the outside world without having any real contact with others. I didn’t want to hear other people’s voices because they scared me. I already had so many thoughts, so many voices in my head, and I didn’t want anymore of them haunting my mind.

Maybe I really didn’t get over hiding away from the rest of the world. I mean, without other people, no one can judge me and no one can yell at me for saying something wrong.

Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am holding back something, and I’m afraid to let it go because of the consequences. If that’s the case, I haven’t changed as much as I thought I have. Reality is, I am afraid of myself sometimes. I don’t readily tell people this. I’m scared of myself. I’ve purged a great deal of negative thinking from my self and I have controlled any anger problems I used to have. But no matter what I do, there’s this nagging side of me that’s dark. I’m scared of that person because I’ve seen this side of me come out, and I always hurt others when that happens. That side is the inhuman side of me–like the Sylar personality from Heroes minus the murderer–and she can definitely do some damage.

I’m wondering if that side is where my true voice lies. Maybe I haven’t fully found myself. After all, a voice is a significant part of you. If I have no voice, I can’t give anyone a straightforward answer, let alone, a dead-on editorial.

I should have never whined that things were “too quiet” yesterday. Afterwards I went through hours of apartment drama that I cannot put online. It involves money and drugs and a psychiatric patient, a frightened old lady and a WHOLE lot more. Waaaaaaaaaay too much excitement and drama. When things get scary, the stress goes right to my guts. I was up most of the night in the bathroom.

Zeke was in my bed when I came back from one of my trips. He looked so cute! I got in the other side of the bed and was totally amazed that he stayed. Zeke does not like to cuddle in bed. He thinks people are too hot. When I got in bed it was 7:15 and when I woke up it was 7:15. No more Dollar Store batteries! It was really after noon

I am sad that I missed church, but am also glad. I really was in no shape to drive. In the night I was sooooo sick. I still am, but feel a heck of a lot better than last night

im getting more frightened each day. im so afraid yet i need to hold back this fear and keep up my strong pace, move forward with head up. i can’t escape these problems, i wanna run away. im tired of dealing with this. im fed up with this pain, having so much greater intensity than the second ago, and worsening as day passes. my mind, my surroundings, my heart, my soul, it’s getting darker. but i cant help it, i need to fight, since i have my sun as my partner to begin with. but what will i do if my sun needs to walk away? even though it’ll come back, how will i fight without light? i cant see anything… maybe i’ll just be engulfed by the blackness… yet again, i cant help it, even if i cant see anything, i have my heart, my soul, having a greater sense of seeing more than my eyes, more than anything else in this world. that’s why, here i am, fighting till the end, waiting, expecting, hoping, wishing, dreaming, loving, missing, thinking, that everything will be fine.