Director: James Hickox

Starring: Daniel Cerny, Ron Melendez, Jim Metzler

ELI – “We who are young have a vision and that is the gift to us from He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Our greatest harvest is to come!”
T-LOC – “Harvest this, motherfucker.”

Let’s face it, there are only so many corn-related scenarios you can plant before the crop gets spoiled, so after Children Of The Corn and its iffy sequel it was decided to take the series to the streets instead. No longer are we dealing with a town full of creepy-looking Amish kids, instead we’ve got two of them living in the city.

Joshua and his younger brother Eli have been moved from Gatlin to live with foster parents in Chicago. Since they come from Amish backgrounds it takes them a little while to get settled into their new city lifestyles, and this is further compounded by the fact that the younger brother is a fucking maniac.

Eli fell for the "shaken Coke can" trick

Things come to a head when the inseparable brothers go to their new city school and are promptly separated (due to their age), which doesn’t go down too well with Eli. While Joshua tries to fit in, learn the city life and befriend his new classmates, Eli instead starts hatching a plot to make everyone pay. 

For the most part, Children Of The Corn III is a passable but ultimately forgettable yarn where the usual “weird kids getting used to a foster home and new school” tropes are dished out left, right and centre. Meanwhile, a number of dull Omen-style “accidental” killings take place, all seemingly committed by the mysterious He Who Walks Behind The Rows, the evil deity from the first two films.

You've got it upside-down, mate

As Eli starts preaching at his school about He Who Walks Behind The Rows and giving lectures on why adults are so evil but kids are brilliant (or words to that effect), the other children at the school start to take notice and become brainwashed by his teachings, forming a cult of kids ready and willing to destroy the adults. So far, so meh. Having said that, one of the kids is actually a young and uncredited Charlize Theron (see a pic here) so it’s all swings and roundabouts.

"Well this monster doesn't seem so bad, I reckon I can WHAT IN THE WORLD OF FUCK I'M BECOMING PIXELLATED"

It seems that Children Of The Corn III is going to trundle along to a boring ending until Eli decides he and his army of kids should go back to Gatlin and try to summon He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Then things get fucking INSANE, with a huge ridiculous monster bursting out of the ground and wrecking the place, eating kids and flailing tentacles all over the place. It’s also home to some of the worst special effects you’ll ever see, where the monster picks up a kid who is clearly a crude model miniature of a person.

So, Children Of The Corn III, then. Bullshit for the first 70 minutes, followed by 15 minutes of complete lunacy that makes no sense whatsoever but is oddly compelling for its sheer shitness. I suppose I could say it’s a little… corny? No, no, I couldn’t possibly.

WHERE CAN I SEE IT?
The UK standalone DVD is out of print now but you can still get it cheap for a couple of quid if you look around. A much better option is Anchor Bay’s box set which features the first three Children Of The Corn films. It’s currently £5.99 on Amazon here. There’s no fancy box set in the US, only the DVD hereand a needless Blu-ray here.

If you enjoyed this review and would like to read more, here’s a complete list of reviews on That Was A Bit Mental.

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Director: James Cummins

Starring: Ed Nelson, Deborah Rose, Norman Fell, Phyllis Diller

“The bodies… the bodies we saw? They’re not dead.” (Alley, The Boneyard)

This one’s a little off the wall. Alley Cates (Rose) is a psychic who’s been asked by the police to help them figure out what’s happened to three young children whose naked, rotting bodies have been found. When she gets to the morgue (which, conveniently, is underground and difficulty to leave quickly) she realises that the ‘children’ are actually zombies who were afflicted with an ancient Chinese curse and are ready to wake up and munch on some human.

A freshly-woken Cher reaches for her makeup case

Typically the morgue’s exit is blocked, trapping Alley, an experienced police chief, his young deputy, a mortician and a suicidal young woman who was pretending to be a corpse. As you do. They need to figure out a way to get out of the morgue while also killing the three zombie children and any other monsters that turn up. And trust me, they do. 

The first 25 minutes of The Boneyard are among the most boring I’ve seen in a while. Literally all that happens during this period is the police chief asking the psychic to come and have a look at the bodies, but for some reason this is strung out to nearly half an hour of needless chat about their past that it’s impossible to give a shit about. If you were to switch the film off during this section, I wouldn’t blame you for a second.

"I'm terribly sorry Miss Groupie, but I assure you I'm not Meatloaf"

Stick with it though, because once they get down into the morgue The Boneyard becomes a fantastic, hilarious film. The zombie child monsters are funny to watch, their bizarre little zombie bodysuits dripping with green ooze and gore. The dialogue is delightfully bad, the ‘chemistry’ between the rookie cop and the young suicidal lass is GCSE-level at best, the closing credits features one of the cheesiest ’80s rock ballads you’ll ever hear (despite this being a ’90s film) and there’s a genuine laugh-out-loud moment later in the film where 74-year-old Phyllis Diller calls Alley a “fat bitch”.

On one side: a 270lb beefcake known for beating people to within an inch of their lives. On the other side: Greg Valentine

Speaking of which, there’s no denying that the heroine of this film could only be described as unconventionally-sized. While it’s nice to see a female star in a horror movie that isn’t just there to provide eye candy for once, perhaps it would have been slightly less off-putting if the casting director hadn’t chosen a woman who looks exactly like former WWF star Greg The Hammer Valentine. Check the comparison above if you’re doubtful, then imagine how distracting it would be to watch the whole film after coming to that conclusion.

Despite the crushingly slow start and the casting of a female lead who looks like a 270-pound ’80s wrestler, The Boneyard‘s back half more than makes up for it. When things get progressively worse and more monsters emerge, including the largest killer poodle you’ve ever seen (seriously), you can sit back at the end satisfied you’ve seen something that was, if you’ll pardon the expression, a bit mental.

WHERE CAN I FIND IT?
The Boneyard is out of print in the UK but you can get the German DVD (which is still in full English) through Amazon fairly cheaply by clicking here. Americans have an easier route to it and can get it from Amazon US right here. Alternatively, if you’re a LOVEFiLM subscriber it’s currently available streaming for free as part of the subscription, and if you take two seconds to look on YouTube you can find the legally dubious full film on there too but I won’t link to it just in case.

If you enjoyed this review and would like to read more, here’s a complete list of reviews on That Was A Bit Mental.

Director: Manuel Carballo

Starring: Sophie Vavasseur, Stephen Billington, Richard Felix, Jo-Anne Stockham

“Don’t worry, God never abandons anything to evil.” (Chris, Exorcismus)

Typical bloody teenagers, eh? They mess around with their pals, they take drugs, they get possessed by the devil and try to kill their family members, they go to nightclubs… wait, hang on a tick. That doesn’t seem right.

Well, it’s certainly the case at least for 15-year-old Emma (the believable Sophie Vavasseur), who has started slipping into odd little episodes where she starts acting like a proper fanny then waking up and wondering what’s happened. Her parents take her to a psychiatrist but, suspiciously, he has a heart attack while having a session with her. Later she tries to kill her brother before snapping out of it and coming to her senses.

You might remember Sophie Vavasseur as the girl from Evelyn, starring Pierce Brosnan. Then again, you might not

Eventually, Emma starts to believe she may be possessed by the devil, so she finds her uncle – a priest who is conveniently known for having performed an exorcism previously – and tries to convince him to perform an exorcism on her. But is Emma really possessed by the devil, or is it all in her silly little teenage head?

Well, she is possessed. Sorry if that seems like I’m spoiling things, but the film doesn’t really keep you in suspense for too long either. In fact, it’s only about half an hour in when she starts levitating in front of her family, leaving the audience in no doubt that these aren’t just teenage mood swings she’s having. 

"I think that Pepperami I just ate was past its sell-by date"

This makes for an oddly-paced film in which the cat is let out of the bag far too early and a struggle then begins to keep an exorcism interesting for another hour. This is handled by the priest’s strange decision to perform the exorcism over a number of small daily sessions, in between which Emma is free to leave the house and hang out with her mates, during which dodgy incidents inevitably occur.

The film’s various oddities and silly plot points aside (Emma’s brother is sent to stay with his aunt so he can stay away from her during the exorcism, but it soon turns out the aunt just lives next door and he ends up talking to her anyway), it’s refreshing to see an exorcism story taking place in a normal London suburb with normal British teens involved. The young actress playing Emma, Sophie Vavasseur, puts in a solid performance and while things do eventually get a little silly when she starts slipping into her devil voice she does the best she can with the lines she’s given and generally plays the lead role just right.

The test audiences for the new Jordan programme didn't respond too positively

As the story progresses, Exorcismus chucks in more twists than a Curly Wurly, making sure that while you may know Emma is definitely possessed you’re still not entirely sure what’s going to happen. While none of these twists are exactly ground-breaking – it’s unlikely that the final revelation will shock you to the core – they at least retain your interest until the film’s end.

Despite being from the same Spanish production team as the fantastic .REC films, Exorcismus isn’t exactly going to be the sort of film that sticks long in your mind after you’ve seen it. The familiar location will make it interesting for British viewers, the lead actress does a good job and fans of possession films will be interested in the different ways this film takes the subject. It’s not terrific by any means but it’s a decent little flick. Oh, and a word of warning – if you’re tempted by this one because you’ve heard that Doug “Hellraiser” Bradley is in it, don’t get too excited, because he only pops up for literally one scene near the end.

WHERE CAN I GET IT?
Exorcismus is available on DVD and only costs a couple of quid new on Amazon UK, so if you fancy giving it a go you can get it by clicking here. If you bleed stars and stripes, on the other hand, you can get the US DVD right here.

If you enjoyed this review and would like to read more, here’s a complete list of reviews on That Was A Bit Mental.

Countdown to Halloween:
Killer Kid Week 

Today’s selection:

Devil Times Five (aka People Toys aka The Horrible House on the Hill) (1974)
The preview for The Devil Times Five popped up on the third volume of the 42nd Street Forever grindhouse trailer compilation and immediately became something I knew I’d need to see eventually. (I mean, look at  that killer poster art! With less than three months until Christmas, I don’t mind telling loved ones: I would be moved to tears if I had that logo on a t-shirt. Just sayin’.)

When a small bus of psychotic kids being transferred to a new facility (we think — the movie keeps us in the dark for quite awhile without really rewarding our patience) the five survivors escape into the snowy woods where they find refuge in an alpine vacation house where some dark twisted episode of Love American Style seems to be playing out. From then on out it’s The Bad News Bears meets The Shining as our twisted tots begin to off the adults that have taken them in. Why? So they’re not returned to what must be some sort of pre-teen Cuckoo’s Nest — even though the adults, including a decidedly slim Sorrell (Boss Hogg!) Booke (below) couldn’t seem less interested or concerned about the accident that landed the kids there in the first place. (There’s no talk of looking for other survivors. They simply take the belligerent brats at their word.)

There’s a military-obsessed black kid, a solemn-faced pyromaniac girl, a twelve year-old Leif Garrett who inexplicably dons a wig and drag from time to time, Garrett’s cute, freckled real-life kid sister, Dawn Lyn, and a creepy girl (a dead-ringer for a young Tilda Swinson, I might add) who may or may not be a teen and may or may not be a nun. (We never get a full explanation.)

Within the first half hour we’re treated to some bizarre scenes of the adults behaving strangely: A slutty woman cruelly seduces a retarded guy, there’s a cat fight, and lots of senseless bickering that doesn’t establish anything very plot-worthy. Things liven up a little when the DTFs start spilling blood, but even then we’re subjected to murky cinematography and slow-mo padding that does little to contribute to what’s already terrible pacing. The whole production seems rather slap-dash and it’s obvious where first takes are being used despite bungled line readings and awkward staging. But still — it IS Boss Hogg and it IS Leif Garrett in drag (saying things like “Look what you’ve done to my beautiful face!”).

Adults (who don’t really seem to put up much of a fight) are burned alive; attacked with hatchets, spears and hammers; drown in a bathtub full of piranha; hobbled by bear traps; and slain with inexplicably complicated rigged-up death traps. Whether intentionally funny or not, the soundtrack is inappropriately light and comedic considering the events before us.

For the most part the children are portrayed as either precoscious or downright satanic, but never anything in between. One wonders how filmmakers explained to the parents of the stars that their kids would be shown … well, dragging a naked dead woman through the snow. The film’s sick final scene, in which the dead adults are assembled for “play time” (see the alternate title: People Toys), is the best. Fans of sicko 70s schlock won’t be disappointed, but there are absolutely no genuine scares and I can’t help but feel like there are some great opportunities missed here. But STILL — I did mention Boss Hogg and Leif Garrett — right?

Code Red’s DVD includes some great trailers, commentary with two of the child stars and a poster gallery. The DVD is labeled as The Devil Times Five but the print included uses The Horrible House on the Hill title card. (An alternate opening title sequence is also included in the extras.) Some of the marketing materials rip off Last House on the Left‘s oft-cribbed “it’s only a movie” tag line by modifying it to say: “IF YOU GET TOO SCARED, TRY TELLING YOURSELF: IT CAN’T HAPPEN TO ME … IT CAN’T HAPPEN TO ME … “
**1/2(out of four)

Guess what, reader(s): It ain’t just bacon or coffee, despite what you people may think. I was asked the other night if I get tired of being associated with bacon. Sort of.  On the one hand, it’s proof I have awesome taste in meat. On the other hand, it IS weird to hear “I had some bacon & thought of you.” There’s a lot more to me than my meatatarian ways. For example, many would be shocked that I actually eat very little meat. At least by comparison. to me five years ago.  As much as I would love to munch on a slab of bacon, these days I love being healthy even more. High blood pressure is for suckers, yo. So is high cholesterol. Avoid it if you can, even if it means giving up the salty goodness of dead pig consumption.

ANYWAY

Since I need to get back into writing, I’ve deemed Thursdays  “Things I love Thursday” to help give you, my reader, insight not only into me, but insight into all things awesome.

Thing I Love (besides bacon) Numero Uno:

Receiving random emails & postcards for no reason other than to say hello. I have a friend who used to live here but now lives in Hotlanta & sends me random emails for no reason…other than (I assume) to say hello & to make me smile. Today I got an email titled “Can Ya Dig It?” & the only thing in the body of the email was this video:

That’s right. My first received email today was Sammy Davis, Jr singing “Shaft.” Yes, yes I CAN dig it, thank you very much.

Send your posse fun random emails for no reason. It’s good times. Another friend does the same, but on a wider scope (sends to a group of us & not just me, which is fine, too) & usually also adds social commentary. Equally entertaining, but sometimes slightly disturbing. Like this one:

That is a video I DO NOT LOVE, whether poppa daddy tells me to or not. Receiving the email itself: still good times. & now i get a kick out of sending random emails to my peeps for no other reason than to say hello. Note: Don’t send chain emails & try not to send forwards of anything reminiscent of a ”hang in there” kitten poster…unless you’re sending the email to a cat stuck up in a tree. Though I think said cat would be too busy to read your email if it’s hanging on for dear life 30 feet up in the air.  Point: come up with your own randomness. Your friends will appreciate you.

**updated before this post even published**

Sender of the scary “do what daddy says” video just sent this gem.

chicka chicka wow wow. You’re welcome.

Thing I love (beside coffee) Number Two:

Twitter. Why? No Farmville.  No long rants. No entire news feed filled up with videos of the band you had 15 years ago that I have to hide forever. With twitter, say it in 140 characters & get out of the way. It’s beautiful. & a couple of the people I follow come up with the best.hashtags.ever. Or, shall I say #besthashtagsever. 

Plus my audience on twitter (for now) is smaller & more diverse so I can get as random as I want to…in 140 characters or less. & though I haven’t truly figured out how to block a follower yet (directions are for sissies), I have figured out how to be random enough to get certain strangers to unfollow me, and that’s fun in & of itself.

They’ll follow me cuz I follow James Altucher or I mention stuff like “sales training.” BAM, immediately I’ll get notified of five new followers that are directly related to money & want to sell me something. They’re hoping I’ll do the twit pro quo & follow them back. Instead I talk about bacon. Or carnies. Or zombies. Then they go away. You may use that trick if you like.

So feel free to join me on twitter if you like. Just be prepared for zombie carnies.

Thing I love (besides zombies) #3:

This place called the Factory in Downtown Kernersville. It has fun local shops & a thing called “Wine Down Wednesday.” I like to go when I can. It’s got a sweet little vibe to it that I hope expands throughout K-Vegas. Plus I get to listen to the friends play the fun music.  They have a little band called Charity Case & all their proceeds go towards getting fresh water to those in developing nations. & here’s a photo:

Good music, good times, and khaki pants.

P.S. They’re playing at The Factory again on Sept.23 from 7-9. Come enjoy a glass of wine, listen to some tunes, and drop some cash in their tip bowl. That cash will go to a great cause. & you’ll have a great time. I call that a win win, people.

Director: Don Taylor

Starring: William Holden, Jonathan Scott-Taylor, Lance Henriksen

“For such are false apostles. Deceitful workers whom lie and transform themselves to look like real apostles of Christ.” (Corinthians 11:13)

When you’ve already revealed in the original film that the main character is the Antichrist, how do you deliver a similar revelation in the sequel? Simple – make it so the nasty little bugger in question doesn’t know it yet.

That’s the premise in Damien: Omen II, which is set seven years after the events of its predecessor. Now 13 years old and living with his uncle and aunt, Damien has been protected from the past and as such doesn’t know what happened to his mother and father in the events of the first movie. He’s just a normal, cheery boy who happens to be part of the wealthy Thorn family.

"You're laughing now but wait until my dad wrecks the bloody joint"

It’s only when he goes to military camp with his cousin and starts hurting a bully by simply staring at him that Damien begins to notice something out of the ordinary is happening. Others – including his sergeant (the awesome Lance Henriksen) and the vice-president of Thorn Industries – seem to know who Damien really is, and are keen to help him discover his true identity.

Meanwhile, as in the original film, anyone who suspects Damien’s secret and tries to put a stop to it inevitably meet their fate in all manner of horrific ways. Trucks, trains, elevators… they’re all involved in some of the gruesome deaths this time around.

"Alright, who said that? I could have sworn someone said Pumpkinhead was shite"

Indeed, Omen II feels a bit like an attempt to recreate much of what made the original film so memorable. There are the nasty deaths, the doom-and-gloom “he will destroy us all” people who are shunned by Damien’s uncle, the eventual realisation that it’s true and the subsequent attempt to stop him – all of which feel very similar to events in The Omen. There’s even an evil animal in there, though it’s a raven this time instead of the first film’s dogs.

While it doesn’t quite have the same storytelling flair, chilling moments and impressive cast as the original film (Henriksen aside), Omen II is still a decent little film. The acting’s solid enough for the most part – although the young chap playing Damien is irritating for the first 20 minutes – the story moves along at a fair pace and there’s a reasonably satisfying conclusion to the whole thing.

"It's not a shit haircut, it's en evil haircut. Get your facts right mate"

It just feels at times a bit like The Omen Lite, an attempt to replicate the impact of the original but one that cuts out vital ingredients in doing so. There’s no equivalent of the first movie’s mental Mrs Baylock to keep viewers on their toes, there’s no big shock as to the lead character’s secret identity because we already had that shock in the previous film, and – ironically – since the ‘smears on photos predicting deaths’ idea from its predecessor is no longer here, there isn’t actually an omen to speak of either.

That said, it’s still an interesting follow-up to the original film, and one that provides a decent midway point between The Omen and the significantly different The Omen III: The Final Conflict. Just don’t go rushing out to see it if you haven’t seen the original first.

Alright. The other day, I noticed that I haven’t done a BioShock 2 review. Halfway through the game, I blogged about my intense love for it. But I never exactly reviewed it. Here goes.

Confession: Never played the first BioShock. *GASP!*

Anyway, here’s the back story on how I procured my copy, which I include on everything I review regardless of it’s necessity. I’ve wanted this game since Game Informer covered it. I sat in my closet reading that issue over and over wanting. Lusting. I literally screamed when I saw the commercial. I got salty over it. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I actually got my hands on a 15 dollar copy from WalMart for XBox 360.

First night, I was in awe. Even on a terrible TV – hey, by the way, anyone else have problems reading the text on screen? – the graphics were lovely. I’d really like to say that they were incredible, but they weren’t. They came close, but a few ragged edges in the scenery and on the weapons killed that one for me. The landscape is highly immersive; I was constantly on the look-out for audio diaries and other things that I needed, as well as just enjoying the view. It really is a nice, well designed game. It takes place underwater in a city in the 50′s that has essentially collapsed in on itself. The detail is fantastic, not that you’ll notice when you’re under the attack of fucking Spider Splicers.

So let’s talk gameplay, shall we? You’re, as the box so aptly describes you, “a hulking … powerhouse – the Big Daddy!” And hulking you are, you sexy Rosie you. You have a damn drill for a hand, and you fire flames/ice/telekenetic rays/etc. from the other. And when you’re not drilling Splicers’ faces in, you’re firing rivets or spears at them, or freezing their mutated, disgusting bodies. I personally love the spear gun because when you pin those bastards to the wall, you can go get your spears back. And in your diver suit (THAT CAN WITHSTAND THE WEIGHT OF THE WHOLE OCEAN!) you have a communicator of sorts where various NPC’s talk to you and tell you what the Hell is going on, giving you little quests that you must embark upon in order to get *your* Little Sister back. That yellow pointer makes it despicably easy though. So if you’re into a more challenging game, try and ignore that thing. I like it because while an onslaught of Splicers is coming at you, you have a sense of the general direction you should be going in. But hey, cover that mofo up with duct-tape or something if you aren’t into it.

The controls are pretty simple, which is definitely awesome. There’s no lengthy combinations for you to master: just bash or drill or spear or something. It definitely comes in handy during fights against Big Daddies or Big Sisters, so you can focus your full attention to the fight instead of trying to get a c-c-c-combo breaker. No Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat moves lists here, which is probably appropriate because it’s a first person shooter and highly epic accordingly. There’s Dual Weild, so you can shoot electricity at a pool of water that some unfortunate Splicer is standing in while drilling the fuck out of someone else. Very useful, I must say. And any unfortunate loss of your life is blown off with a healthy dose of muthafuckin Vita-Chamber! PLUS your Little Sister is just crying her adorable glowing eyes out in front of it when you wake up, so no losses there.

Now, there are some cons to this game. Gathering? SUCKS. Not because the Splicers are like blood-hounds (har) and can sense ADAM from a year away, sniffing and drooling and trying to figure out where the smell is coming from (Stephen King reference there – bonus points if you know what book) , but because they absolutely swarm you. I understand that this is part of the game, and a very climatic, engaging fight at that. But I was on easy and for a few sessions I was completley put off by a certain stubborn gathering. So I fear that some less seasoned gamers may chuck it. Well, actually, I just kinda wanted to complain about that. But really, I do know people who will absolutely ragequit if they can’t beat a certain level.

Another thing is that the telekenisis plasmid is absolutely useless. Unless you practice the Hell out of it, it’s worthless to you. Really, it is. When you’re in a heated battle, all it does is take up space. It is a good thing to waste time with – throwing the corpses of dead Big Daddies is kinda fun, if not disrespectful… or something…

And the length of this game is absolutely atrocious. For Christ’s Sake. I beat it in a day – or rather, the equivalent of a day because I really had no time to play. But in all honesty, the total time I spent on this game evens out to about five hours, maybe six. For fifteen bucks that I did not spend, it’s fine. But I really was looking forward to a better storyline than a search-and-rescue mission since it was so hyped up prior to it’s release.

Admittedly, this is an awesome game. The length sucks but that’s about it. I wouldn’t spend fifteen dollars on five hours of gameplay though, and I feel bad for the suckers who paid a full thirty plus for it. I really am excited about Infinite though, so I’ll keep an eye out for that, but from what I’ve read it’s a pretty similar story and I’m a little nervous.

Rating: 8.5/10

Director: Richard Donner

Starring: Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner, Harvey Stephens, Billie Whitelaw

“Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, and his number is 666″ (Revelations 13:18)

After the phenomenal success of The Exorcist it was inevitable that some imitators would appear to try and cash in on all the “yay God, boo the devil” sentiment among moviegoers. While a number of low-budget attempts failed miserably it would be The Omen, released three years after The Exorcist, that would successfully manage to effectively compete for the coveted crown of Best Horror Film About A Little Child With Links To Satan But It’s Not A Horror Film Honest Mate It’s A Faith-Based Thriller. And that’s a highly competitive sub-genre.

Mrs Thorn felt uneasy as she saw Michael Barrymore arriving for the party

The Omen follows Robert Thorn (Peck), an American Ambassador and potential future President of the United States. His wife unfortunately has a stillborn child at the start of the film but she remains unconscious for a while after the delivery and so isn’t immediately aware of this. A priest offers Robert a solution – a healthy orphan newborn whose mother has died in childbirth and has no immediate family. Thorn takes the baby and tells his none-the-wiser wife it belongs to them.

"What? Oh we were just digging up this grave to give the skeleton some air. We definitely weren't going to have sex with it"

Fast-forward five years and weird things start happening. At their son Damien’s fifth birthday party their nanny hangs herself in front of all the guests, declaring to Damien that it’s “all for you”. A replacement nanny turns up out of the blue and, along with her rottweiler dog, show an unhealthy interest in taking care of Damien.

Things start going tits-up when Thorn is approached by a priest, who claims he was there when Thorn’s adopted son was born. He tells him Damien is actually the Antichrist, the Devil’s son, and that Thorn has to start accepting Christ if he wants to survive. Thorn isn’t having any of it, and shortly afterwards the priest dies in a freak accident where he’s impaled with a spear-like church spire.

"That's odd, I'm sure my black telephone is always sitting right here"

A journalist called Jennings (Warner) shows Thorn photos he took of the nanny and priest before they died. Both have dark marks over them in the shape of a noose and a spear respectively. What’s more, Jennings had taken a photo of himself and in it there’s a dark line across his neck. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

Despite the whole spooky child premise and the Satanic element The Omen doesn’t really have much in common with The Exorcist. Damien doesn’t ever really do anything in the way Reagan does, it merely seems to be the case that odd things happen around him. Instead the film feels more like a predecessor to more modern movies like Final Destination and The Ring in that it revolves around premonitions of deaths about to occur (or omens, if you will).

Well hello there, little chap! Aren't you a cute little OH JESUS CHRIST MY EYES ARE ON FIRE

As a result of this, despite any suspicions you may have The Omen actually isn’t that scary at all. The fear comes in the concern that Damien is about to suddenly snap, expose himself as the devil’s son and do something evil, a concern that ultimately leads to nothing. Its few deaths, while effectively directed, are still handled in a way that they’re not too shocking with the possible exception of the film’s most famous scene, involving a stray pane of glass. Instead it’s more of a paranormal thriller, a race against time to figure out why these deaths are happening and how to put an end to them before any more occur.

Perhaps the most effective thing about the film however is the music. Jerry Goldsmith’s iconic Latin chanting and dramatic orchestral score is so effective and adds so much to the action it won him his only Oscar, impressive considering his life’s work included scores for the likes of Poltergeist,  LA Confidential, Chinatown, Gremlins, First Blood, Alien, Mulan and Planet Of The Apes.

If you’re expecting spinning heads and an evil kid going on a rampage, that’s not what The Omen is all about. If you’re looking for a creepy movie with an underlying sense of unease however, rather than a balls-to-the-wall demonfest, then The Omen is a mini masterpiece.

Director: Chuck Russell

Starring: Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits, Christina Ricci, Angela Bettis, Rufus Sewell

“The devil’s greatest achievement is that people don’t believe he exists. Nowadays, the concept of evil is politically incorrect. ” (Reverend, Bless The Child)

I had Bless The Child on my DVD shelf for years and never really felt the need to watch it. The front cover made it look like a cheap Exorcist rip-off and the only thing that really appealed to me was Christina Ricci (what can I say, I went through a Ricci phase at Uni). On at least five or six separate occasions I actually put it in my DVD player then changed my mind as it loaded and took it out. Finally, one night I thought “better get this over with”, slammed the bastard in and refused to turn it off no matter how bad it was going to be. I wasn’t exactly pleasantly surprised, but it wasn’t quite as bad as I’d expected.

There's nothing like the odd dodgy CGI demon shot to keep things interesting

Maggie O’Connor (Basinger) is a bit pissed off when her sister Jenna (Bettis) suddenly turns up at her door one day with her newborn baby, dumps the baby in her house then fucks off. With Jenna eventually presumed dead, Maggie reluctantly decides to become baby Cody’s unofficial mother. It soon becomes apparent that Cody’s autistic but what isn’t so noticeable is the fact that she has special powers – she can make things spin, light candles with her mind and the like.

Well, what do you expect? That's what you get when you live in Hull

Maggie copes for a few years until the very much not-dead Jenna comes back for her daughter with her new man, Eric Stark (Sewell). Not quite the killer catch, Stark is a devil worshipper who’s been killing children left, right and centre trying to find the one with the power to save mankind, or (by joining Stark and the devil) destroy it. Guess who that is then? No, I mean the girl.

Bless The Child is not a very scary film. With the exception of one scene in a subway this is a plot-driven horror film rather than one that relies heavily on ‘boo’ scares or moments of lengthy tension. As a result it never really has you on the edge of your seat but that’s not necessarily a bad thing because it was never trying to in the first place.

"What that child needs is a bloody good blessing"

Despite how far-fetched the plot is, the film is played well enough to suspend the audience’s beliefs for a while and accept the goings-on as real possibilities. Holliston Coleman is excellent as little Cody, and the way she portrays her character’s power can make the viewer feel slightly uneasy whenever she’s on-screen. Basinger plays it as you would expect, with plenty of “I WANT THE GIRL BACK” screamfests and ample helpings of tears throughout, while Jimmy Smits does the job as the detective (even if he does seem to accept the many odd and paranormal occurrences far too easily, essentially believing anything Basinger tells him no matter how out there it seems).

In all though, my concern about this being a load of old arse were unfounded. Bless The Child isn’t the greatest film ever made and the special effects are pretty poor (with the exception of one decapitation scene), but it’s enjoyable enough. It takes itself very seriously but not enough to be considered boring or pretentious, and it should manage to keep your attention for an hour and a half.

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
You can buy the UK DVD off Amazon.co.uk here
Or, you can Get the US DVD from Amazon.com here

Director: William Friedkin

Starring: Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn, Jason Miller

“I think the point is to make us despair. To see ourselves as animal and ugly. To make us reject the possibility that God could love us.” (Father Merrin, The Exorcist: The Version You’ve Never Seen)

(Note: if you haven’t read my review of The Exorcist yet, it may be best to check it out first.)

Although The Exorcist was a worldwide smash hit and remains Warner Bros’ highest-grossing film at the box office (after inflation), William Peter Blatty remained unsatisfied. As the author of the book on which the film was based he felt some key scenes had been dropped, scenes that would have given viewers the message he originally wanted to express.

William Friedkin, the film’s director, disagreed. He felt the film worked perfectly as it was and told Blatty he was being “a bad winner”, that they were both making a fortune on a hugely critically successful film and he should be happy with the recognition. The two fell out for a while because of this dispute.

"I told you to take your toys off the stairs, now look what's happened"

Time passed and Blatty and Friedkin resolved their differences and became friends again. Blatty still maintained that he wasn’t happy with parts of the film, in particular the ending, which he felt ended too ambiguously and left people leaving the cinema on a downer thinking the devil may have won. Friedkin remained unconvinced, and maintained that the film should stay untouched.

Some other subtle CGI effects (like this face morph) were added to the film

Eventually, around the time of the film’s 25th anniversary, Blatty persuaded Friedkin to dig out the unused footage from the film and put together a new cut of The Exorcist that more closely resembled Blatty’s original vision, a sort of ‘Writer’s Cut’. The result was released in cinemas in 2000 as The Exorcist: The Version You’ve Never Seen.

Despite Blatty’s original intention for the re-release, the most notable change in this new cut is the inclusion of the legendary ‘spider walk’ scene. This deleted scene, in which Regan flips upside-down and walks down the stairs like a spider, had been part of Exorcist lore for years with fans eager to see it as it was originally intended. The scene itself is pretty effective – here it is if you fancy a gander:

So, the spider walk aside, what else is in there? Well, the other main addition is of course the aforementioned alternative ending, which involves an extra scene at the end where Father Dyer and Lt Kinderman have a pleasant chat. This was the scene Blatty wanted to add to reassure the viewer that all was well with the world, and I could take it or leave it really.

There are also a few little trims and additions dotted here and there throughout the movie. Father Merrin has a few extra scenes with Chris MacNeil and Father Karras which flesh his character out a little, and there are some new digital effects where a demon’s face subliminally pops up from time to time.

Do these changes make The Version You’ve Never Seen a better movie than the original? Not necessarily, it just makes it a slightly different one that perhaps feels slightly more modern. Both versions are effective but if pushed I’d recommend you watch the spider scene above then just check out the original version of the film, since its more ambiguous ending leaves a greater feeling of unease.

Director: William Friedkin

Starring: Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn, Jason Miller

“Mother, what’s wrong with me?” (Regan, The Exorcist)

The Exorcist is not a horror film. At least, that’s what director William Friedkin, writer William Peter Blatty and Linda Blair, who played the possessed little girl in the film, would have you believe. According to them, it’s a drama about the mystery of faith that just happens to have disturbing scenes in it. Personally I’d chuck a stern “bullshit” at that theory, but it doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that whatever genre or niche you try to place it in, The Exorcist remains one of the greatest films ever made.

The story’s well-known, but for those who’ve maybe managed to avoid it I’ll fill you in on the basics. Chris MacNeil (Burstyn) gets concerned when her little girl Regan starts showing some odd behaviour. She pees on the carpet, swears at doctors and starts playing with ouija boards. While this may be the normal sort of behaviour you’d expect from an Essex youth, for the well brought-up Regan it’s very uncharacteristic.

"You might want to run this under the tap first, it's been... um, used"

Doctors are unable to figure out what’s wrong with Regan and brain scans come back negative, suggesting she’s not suffering from any sort of mental illness. Meanwhile, Regan’s behaviour gets more and more shocking, culminating in her slapping her mother across the face and ramming her head into her crotch. Remember, not from Essex.

It soon emerges that Regan claims to be possessed by the devil so, at her wit’s end, Chris goes to a local priest and asks him to arrange an exorcism. After a bit of persuasion (mainly involving Regan masturbating with a crucifix and spinning her head 360 degrees), he decides to get in touch with Father Merrin, one of the few Jesuit priests who still perform the rare ritual. Can they drive the devil out of Regan? That would be telling.

Critics felt the latest Derren Brown show had gone a little too far

While its key moments have been parodied time and time again, spoofed by the likes of the Wayans brothers in Scary Movie 2, Leslie Nielsen in Repossessed and even a Danish bacon advert, The Exorcist still has the power to shock. This is mainly due to two things – the believable and realistic special effects and the superb performance by Linda Blair as Regan.

Regan is such a likeable, idyllic little girl at the start of the movie that when she descends into her possessed state and starts saying and doing the most outrageous things it’s all the more shocking. You find yourself siding with her mother as she tries to get help – you care about this once-sweet little girl’s well-being and you want her to overcome this demon who’s possessed her. Had Regan not been so easy to warm to at the start then the audience would have made less of an emotional investment in the movie.

"What do you mean you forgot to buy my fucking Clearasil? It's the one bloody thing I wanted from the shop"

The effects, many of which have only been recently explained, are the work of genius. These days it suffers from the “Beatles effect” – the genre has evolved so much over the years (in this case thanks to CGI) that it can be hard to appreciate the impact it made when it was first released, but at the time it was doing stuff on camera that had never been seen before and without a computer in sight.

The bed shaking was handled by building a bed, cutting a hole in the wall behind it and having a crew of men literally shake the bed from behind the set. The famous levitation scene (where Regan rises from her bed) was done with wires painted grey and white in a dash effect to confuse the eye and make them impossible to see in the film. The spinning head was a robotic dummy, the vomit scene was created with a mouth attachment that fired pea soup… all pieces of technical genius and all remarkably believable.

You could watch The Exorcist ten times and get something new out of it each time you watched it. Legendary critic Mark Kermode famously said he’s watched it over 200 times and it still feels new to him every time. There are so many subtle moments, so many nods to events that will happen later on, so many different ways to consider each scene and so many different interpretations you can give to its open ending that everyone will take away something different from the film. Religious viewers will see the fear in having their faith challenged, parents will see the fear in the helplessness Chris feels as her daughter succumbs.

Whoever you are and whatever your beliefs may be, you really have to see this film. It may terrify you beyond belief (though if you’re a hardened Saw addict it may not), but it’s one of the most important films in cinema and a landmark of the horror genre – whether or not the filmmakers believe it’s a part of it.

Caps-lock does not fully express my fangirl glee. Why I have not gotten to view this fantastical interpretation of Anne Rice’s very own spectacular novel is beyond my comprehension. I may just be speaking pure asshattery because of the fangirl glee this movie created in me. However, I dote on it so. I relish in it. Let us begin.

SUCK IT, TWITARDS.

There are so many Otaku fangirls relishing in this fandom that it’s hard to get a decent picture of Lestat and Louis that isn’t drawn on Paint/Photoshop in Anime/Manga style. Oh, Bing, you don’t work at all. Also, please note that I’m trying to be my regular, serious self that somehow appears (at least I think so) in my other reviews. But it’s rather challenging, given the circumstances.

Dramatic vampire is dramatic.

Alright, so there’s Louis. By the way, when I was listening to this on Audiobook, I imagined his name to be spelled “Louie”. And whilst reading, I kept saying “Loo-is” in my head.

And there’s Lestat. So then. On with the show?

I first listened to this book on Audio. I was utterly entranced. I listened to most of it in the dark, in utter silence. At night. When I was supposed to be going to bed. It was perfect. I swear to you, with my eyes closed and the narrator speaking from the over-the-ear headphones I wore, I could imagine vividly what was going on. There were no dry spots. Everything had SOMETHING to do with the plot, even in the most remote way possible. Anne Rice is a master of prose.

The film was different. I watched it a considerable time after listening to Interview With The Vampire and I knew the plot, but vaguely.

The costumes, firstly, are magnificent. With this film, you’re swept through different amazing eras, and the costumes are spot on. And yet, you hardly notice it, because everything else is so transfixing.

There is about two buckets or so of blood in this film. It’s bright red and realistic when coming from a human. The blood of the rats, however, is almost too watery to look real. I had to comment on that, because I’ve bled enough to know that human blood is rather viscous. I would think that the blood of rats would be similar.

The sets are also excellent. I was watching a recent Extreme Home Makeover and their house looked like Louis’ plantation.

Me: What I wouldn’t do for a bit of that ‘ol Creole blood.

Mom: MAKAYAH!

Me: What? It looks like Louis’ plantation from Interview With The Vampire.

Matt: Haha, it does.

I guess my mother found it insulting or something.

ANYWAY- I regret to say that since most of my posts are half bullshit lately they aren’t nearly as long or well written as my HOSTEL 2 post. And I must continue this habit, because it’s rather late and I’ve been listening to too much Blood on the Dance Floor and I’m afraid it’s showing.

Rating: 9/10

Home Movie (2008)
“I dare you to watch until our movie is done”

Let’s talk about that tagline a little bit. THAT tagline implies that something super extra gruesome is going to happen at the end – does it not? And yet, this is not the case.

This movie starts out very, very, very slow, which is not a good sign for something that’s only 76 minutes total. Adrian Pasdar plays a minister named David (which is something you don’t realize until he puts his collar on, what with all the drinking and sexy talk), and his wife Clare is a child psychiatrist. David is apparently obsessed with filming every single thing they do on their home video camera…which is how we notice before the parents do that there is something not quite right with their kids, twins Jack & Emily.

Amidst various holiday celebrations, the camera zooms in to capture all manner of animal torture: frogs, squirrels, etc. –eventually leading up to the family cat getting crucified by the kiddos on Christmas Day. Which I guess means Clare isn’t exactly the expert she thinks she is, huh?

There are problems galore with this film – firstly; there’s nothing interesting about having to watch each parent treat the video camera like an MTV confession booth, or as a “record” of what’s happening for their professional lives. There’s just too much talk and not enough mayhem to make this a worthwhile movie. Sure, the kids are evil, but you don’t end up feeling sorry for David & Clare at all…and the small amount of gore in this can’t fix what’s missing from the script. All I could think of during the “climatic” ending was: thankgod, it’s over.

My recommendation: skip it. 

Director: David Price

Starring: Terence Knox, Ryan Bollman, Ned Romero

REDBEAR: “My ancestors would have told you that man should be at one with the Earth, the sky, the water. But the white man has never understood this. He only knows how to take. And after a while there’s nothing left to take, so everything’s out of balance and we all fall down.

GARRETT: “Wait a minute. So that’s what happened here in Gatlin?”

REDBEAR: “No. What happened in Gatlin was those kids went apeshit and killed everybody.”

How can a film be so good yet have a sequel so achingly bad? Many will tell you this has always been the case (Freddy’s Dead and “The Exorcist II” spring to mind). But Children Of The Corn II is so terrible compared to the first film that your soul will weep.

Seemingly taking place soon after the events of the first film, news teams have arrived to cover the story (presumably the survivors of the first film notified authorities). Meanwhile Garrett, a reporter, is driving through the countryside for a job interview in New York with his son Danny coming along for the ride (against his wishes). Hearing of the story in the small village of Gatlin, they decide to check it out. Horrific hijinks ensue.

Children Of The Corn II is rare in that you’ll probably enjoy it more if you haven’t seen the original first. If you already know the story so far, your brain will be overloaded with questions for the first 40 or 50 minutes. “How long is this after the first film?” “Are those two corpses at the start meant to be the couple at the end of the first film?” “How come Malachai looks so different?” and “Where did that new kid come from, and how did he become the leader so quickly?”.

This was the shittest barbecue ever

Put simply, this film makes no attempt to connect with the original. The first scene after the credits (a terribly-acted news broadcast) tries to explain its own version of what happened, deciding to totally ignore the characters played by Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton in the first film. One of the most important characters, Malachai, has been replaced by someone who looks absolutely nothing like him and has no emotion whatsoever (unlike the original actor who, as mentioned in the previous film’s review, made the part his own by being a wanker). Naturally the actor could not be called upon to play the role again because this was filmed eight years after the original and going by the story he would already have been sacrificed because he’d be well into his twenties.

The whole thing reeks of shoddy filmmaking in general. Two elderly sisters are played by the same person and are never seen in the same scene; a Native American character stereotypically called Red Bear is introduced and quickly gets into character by talking about how foolish “the white man” is; and the quality of the acting reminds me of a girl from my Drama class in High School (she failed).

It’s not all bad news however. There are some interesting death scenes (one in particular involving a windscreen and a bale of corn, reminiscent of Final Destination 2) and the actor playing Micah, the new cult leader, is curiously strange (as the role demands, after all). He’s certainly one of the more interesting characters and fits into the “Isaac” role of the first film quite neatly.

Humour is also scattered throughout the film, a move that is unwelcome in my opinion. The original film was straight horror and nothing else; an attempt to add comedic elements is out of place (except for the excellent quote at the top of this review, of course). A death in which an electric wheelchair is taken over by one of the kids is a prime example of humour ruining the tone of the film.

The only real area in which this film is on an equal ground with the original is unfortunately that both have a weak ending. Again we are treated to what seems to be a giant mole tunnelling underground, followed by poor CGI effects in an attempt to add an unnecessary supernatural element to the film. Of course, the sequel takes it too far before this point anyway, with pointless Predator-style ‘body-heat’ POV shots that affect the film in no way at all other than adding to the shitness factor.

Children Of The Corn II would have received only one skull out of five had it not been for the pleasant addition of Christie Clark, a fine actress who sadly didn’t do many films after this. To give a film an extra half a mark based on the appearance of a minor character alone however speaks volumes on the overall shoddiness of the entire production.

Do yourself a favour and watch this awesome seven-minute version of the film, which cuts out all the boring shit and leaves you with the weird shit.

theatrical poster

has spoilers, but it doesn’t matter because I wouldn’t waste 89 minutes watching it if I were you.

The Daisy Chain (2008) Directed by Aisling Walsh. Written by Lauren Mackenzie. Starring Samantha Morton,  Steven Mackintosh and Mhairi Anderson.

A grieving couple move to a remote Irish village in the wake of their baby daughter’s death. They soon take in an orphaned autistic girl, only to become involved in a series of strange occurrences.

I didn’t like it. The general idea was overdone and to be honest, a bit stupid. The stars had acting that wasn’t half bad, but was wasted on this film.

Dead babies. Nobody likes dead babies. Truthfully, I’d rather have dead babies than dead animals, but that’s just my opinion. The slow introduction (made worse by the fact that after the horrifyingly loud intro music temporarily deafens you, you can’t understand their whisper words)  starts getting better once a baby dies. That’s horrible, but it’s true. After the drowning of aforementioned baby Jack- discovered by main character Martha, the neighbors seem to freak out and set themselves on fire.

Martha takes in the newly-orphaned Daisy, which causes problems with her husband, who doesn’t like Daisy. As Martha becomes more entranced with the girl, her husband seems to grow more and more loathesome. Meanwhile, the town starts suspecting Daisy is a faerie changeling, which is a faerie child that has been switched in for the place of a human for whatever reason.

All the while, nothing really scary happens. It’s just a lot of yelling and arguing. Even the pool incident, where Martha’s friend Cat’s daughter nearly drowns, isn’t scary. Not even suspenseful. I was sure she was going to die and when she didn’t, I simply shrugged it off.

The end was confusing. (Spoilers here, if you don’t want them-  skip) Martha is taking a bath. Her husband goes out to the shed to paint the cradle he had in the beginning. Apparently, it’s very late. Daisy comes in. Martha puts her in the bath and questions her about the previous events (a daisy chain is also a series of connected events for those who didn’t get the title). Then she asks, “What are you?” to which Daisy says she’s a faerie, over and over. Then she pulls Martha’s pregnant stomach towards her and sings rock-a-bye baby. Martha tries to pull away, but Daisy yanks her into the bath. When Martha gets out, she’s very injured. She tells Daisy to get her husband. She doesn’t.

When her husband returns, he sees Martha lying (lifeless?) bloodied on the floor. He calls for Daisy, who has apparently taken the child from Martha’s body and cleaned him, placing him in the cradle, moving the blanket away from his face so he can breathe. Daisy questions what to call him, but the husband picks up the baby and leaves. Daisy then places her doll in the cradle and covers it’s face with the blanket. “Can’t breathe now.” She says. The film ends with a close-up of her face as she sings rock-a-bye baby.

It was pretty weird and made minimal sense to me. There are too many loose ends. A couple make a good ending to a horror flick. This one had enough to strangle an elephant.

The girl doesn’t have to say much, just scream and look detached. She had to say “Play with me” over and over, which was more stupid than creepy. The acting would have been better if all the parents did wasn’t fawn over their dead baby and argue quietly in the halls.

Overall, it was a crappy movie. They could have done a lot more with the plot, but didn’t.

Rating: 2/10

Evil Kate is my friend’s niece. One of those hideous children who make you feel like you’re inferior, and only who only know words like ‘shan’t', ‘brioche’ and ‘your conversation is taxing’.

Evil Kate came home the other night cackling. (Imagine a 50 year old alcoholic weezing with chocolate in their teeth and that’s Evil Kate’s laugh) Apparently Evil Kate had got a new pet and insisted on playing with it upstairs, which, happy for some peace and quiet, her aunty obliged.

About half an hour later, the excitable cackling started up again, and my friend went upstairs to see what was going on, at which point Evil Kate appeared smiling (cackling) from under her duvet with a torch.

The covers were pulled up to reveal Evil Kate’s new ‘pet’….

A LIVE BLACKBIRD!

I’ve made my point.

By Mumbojumbo89 from Deviant Art

Score: 4/10

I have never read Field and Stream Magazine, probably because I have no interest in hunting, fishing, survival (well I do like surviving), guns (ok guns are cool too), and gear. I think if it is possible to be the opposite of a certain demographic then I am the opposite of the FASM demographic. I do not find this picture cute:

In fact, it scares the shit out of me. Maybe it’s the look on her face, or maybe it’s the fresh blood dripping from the back of the pickup truck, but either way, how is this ok?

All that aside, it seems like a good resource for those interested in outdoor activities. There are plenty of techniques and helpful tips to sharpen your skills. It is a good outdoor magazine with just a little bit of crazy.

Perhaps related to this injury of mine, Benny just got several rolls of safety tape. These children are on the back of some of the packages:

It looks like you’re supposed to use the tape around the perimeter of your property to protect yourself from terrifying creatures, but I can’t tell if it works or not. The guy in the lower right doesn’t look very worried, but he’s also kind of blurry so maybe he’s drunk and doesn’t know what’s about to hit him. Has anybody used this tape? Please share your experiences.

American Gothic

So, K has this thing for breadsticks.  Primarily those from Olive Garden, but she’ll take other, lesser forms as well.  I’m pretty sure that if marooned on a desert island, if she had to pick only three available food groups, it would be breadsticks, cheese sticks, and milk.

She had been asking for breadsticks for the last few days, and started to get CM thinking that Olive Garden did actually sound pretty good.  So tonight we went out for dinner.  Now, eating out with K is always a roll of the dice.  Most of the time she is pretty well behaved for a preschooler, but occasionally she puts on her demon face and terrorizes the general public.

Tonight she was actually very good, but very animated.  We got a young-ish male waiter, who obviously wasn’t all that used to kids.  For starters, when he very first came to the table to take our drink order, K blurted out “BREADSTICKS”.  He looked a little startled, stepped back a few inches and gamely carried on taking our order.

When he came to get the food order, she wiggled in her chair but patiently waited until we had ordered and then blurted out “YUMMY BREADSTICKS”.  He was a little less obvious this time, but clearly still a little wary of the short person that may or may not be prone to unprovoked breadstick karate attacks.

After the food had arrived, and we were collectively enjoying our dinner, he stopped by to ask if we needed anything.  We replied that everything was great, thanked him, and he started to walk away.  At which point K leaned over into the aisle a bit, and loudly said “YUMMY!”.  He did a total doubletake with a scared look on his face and then just kept right on walking back to the kitchen.  K looks at me in a puzzled way and says “I was just telling the chef about YUMMY breadsticks”.  I tried not to laugh too much.

After the next visit, she didn’t attempt to talk to him but again as he was walking away she leans into the aisle and starts loudly smooching her hand and “throwing” kisses to the “chef”.  She tells me, “I am sending lots of smooches to the chef and restaurant for breadsticks”.  This time, he didn’t turn around at all, but nervously kept walking while I tried not to hyperventilate from holding back my laughter.

He looked very scared the next time he came to the table.  He needn’t have worried, because she had totally lost interest in him by that point.

But as she was clearly done eating and getting into the boredom phase, she noticed that there was an old (think American Gothic) couple at the table behind us watching her. I don’t know what possessed her, but she reached down, took off her big, pink, dirty croc, and pulled it up and held it triumphantly over the table.  “LOOK, I got my shoe!!!!”

Now, they looked VERY scared, like she was possibly going to throw it at them or spontaneously turn into the exorcist child.  I, of course, being a responsible parent, immediately asked her to return her shoe to her foot and reminded her that shoes don’t belong on or above the table.  She had a definite glimmer in her eye though, like “yeah but I won that round.”

That’s my girl.

Secondly, hands up who thinks Kanye West really has nothing to whinge about?

Thirdly, I really wish Virgin had just stuck to the music business.

Fourthly, looks like New York City might be getting its very own Putin!

And finally — Argh! Run for the hills! The apocalypse is surely nigh..