By Judy Arnall

“But Mom! You don’t have to sleep alone!” Kyle protests to his mom when she suggests that he
might want to sleep in his own room. Family bedrooms are increasingly becoming common in
North America thanks to the attachment parenting movement that recognizes that babies and
toddlers are not developmentally ready to sleep on their own for the first few years of life.

However, Kyle is seven years old, not two. The prevalence of family bedrooms among families
with school-aged children has not been studied, let alone talked about openly in our society yet,
but the trend is growing.

Many children, especially those that don’t have siblings to snuggle in with, continue to sleep in
the same family bedroom as their parents, well into the school-aged years. Because of high
profile cases such as the late Michael Jackson issue where he openly talked about sleeping with
older children in a non-sexual way, causing such public distaste, many families do not admit to
anyone outside their close family relatives that they sleep with their children, again, in a caring,
non-sexual way. The fear of being investigated by child welfare authorities is the biggest barrier
against discussing this practice. So the practice occurs quite often, but is not openly admitted. As
a society, we accept family bedrooms for motels rooms, visiting at relatives, camping and
vacations, but not for everyday use in a society that values independence at all cost. Still, parents
persist. “We co-sleep because it’s a cultural choice. My husband is Vietnamese and I am Canadian
and we have decided that it’s what works best for our family. Back in Vietnam my husband`s
sisters still sleep with their mother and my husbands’ brother and father also share a room. The
younger ones are all in their 20`s and it is not illegal or abnormal or culturally odd like it is here,”
says *Cheryl, mom of two children.

How does a family bedroom work? Two hundred years ago, before the invention of central
heating, most of the family slept in the same room if not the same beds. Fast forward to the
twenty first century, where bedrooms now have the square footage size of the average 1950’s
house, the family bedroom can easily accommodate two king-size mattresses on the floor or
several beds in the same room.

Not everyone agrees with the concept of a family sharing sleep in the same room. Barbara Evans,
a parent educator from Beaumont, Texas, worries about the parent’s need for privacy and
intimacy. “My concerns are that as parents, our job is to raise healthy, loving and lovable,
independent (heavy on the independent) children. Not to the exclusion of depriving them of
nurturing and cuddling, but this may be the first place to start learning about boundaries and selfcare.”

Why do families choose a family bedroom? No separation anxiety issues and no bedtime battles is
the biggest reason. For an increasingly separated family where both parents might work in paid
work all day and children are away at school, it is comforting and enjoyable to cuddle together at
the end of a busy day. “The best thing about having the kids there with us is the emotional bond
we have with them. We love the time upstairs to talk in bed, read, write or just watch T.V.
together. There’s no separation between us and we don’t send our kids away at night to be alone
unless they want to.” says *Ally, mom of three children, ages 9, 10, and 12. They have a big
master bed for the parents and two mattresses on the floor on either side of the master bed for the
children.

What age should family bedrooms stop? Children naturally develop the desire for more privacy
at puberty and tend to want their own room and sleeping space by the age of 12 or 13. This
occurs naturally whether they sleep alone, or share a bedroom with siblings or with parents.

Most experts agree that the rules are simple. Generally, all members of the family must wear
night clothes. Whoever doesn’t like the arrangement and says “no” should have their wishes
honoured whether they are the parent or the child. The parents might enjoy the closeness, but if
the 8-year-old wants his own room, that should be respected. And of course, couple sexual
intimacy must take place in another room.

Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau once said, “The government has no
business in the bedrooms of the nation.” And for many families, that rings truer than ever.

Family Bedroom Pointers

1. Parental sexual relations must take place in a private room away from the eyes and the
ears of the children.
2. Whoever says “no” rules. This must work for everyone
3. When children hit puberty, their natural desire for more privacy will take over and the
concept of the family bedrooms should be reviewed by the family.

*Names changed upon request.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher
Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling
book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible
children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD,
Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and
love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice
http://www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766
Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in
whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety————————————————————————————————-

The boys and I head out at 7 a.m. every morning.  They’re still too young to be embarrassed of me so , more often than not, I am sporting my bright pink plaid flannel pajama bottoms and an over-sized fleece from L.L. Bean.  Sexy.  I am gracious enough to brush my teeth before we go but certainly never my hair so I look like I just came off a three-day bender.

There are only seven kids that wait at this bus stop, two being my own.  I don’t think I need to explain how Jack and Benjamin contribute to the oddness of this motley crew but I will have to add some tidbits specific to the location.

First child we have is Molly.  Molly is in third grade and has a love for creating clothing out of colored duct tape.  She once showed up at the “stop” wearing a bright green vest to match her bright orange purse.  All made out of duct tape.  Molly, somewhat a tomboy, also has an appreciation for the T-Birds from the movie “Grease” and prefers to wear her black leather jacket on cooler days.  Most often she carries a backpack laden with 50 clip-on animals attached to it but today she mixed it up with a new red Angry Birds backpack that looked too small for her back.  Priceless.  Molly’s mom waits with us too and they’re both great.  The only normal ones there.

Of course we have “the creepy kids”. (Please refer back to my post about them so you can fully appreciate their awesome-ness).  The creepy kids have a new system now though.  They walk out with their totally creepy dad at 7 a.m. like the rest of us only they enjoy bringing their new chihuahua who weighs maybe 9 ounces and shakes uncontrollably.  I’m rooting for the bobcat to get him.  Creepy Dad likes to come out wearing his high-end business suit and snakeskin shoes because he’s a fancy lawyer and likes everyone to know it.  Today was a treat though because he came out wearing his Tabasco sauce pajama pants which I’m sure would be the hit at his private practice. Some days he talks to us but most days he whispers quietly to his children like he’s passing out top secret information.  He bends low, murmurs in their ear and then looks around a few times. F’in weirdo.  But the best part is that when the bus shows up, the creepy kids never actually get on.  They wave goodbye and walk back down to their house with their creepy dad.  What the hell just happened?  Shouldn’t you be going to school?

We also have Kelly, a little Asian girl who is also in the third grade.  Kelly lives four houses down from the stop but she always seems to show up seconds before the bus is set to pull away.   The other kids literally yell frantically for her to hurry like a swimmer in the ocean who is about to be eaten by a shark.  On the rare day she comes early, she walks around with a confused smile on her face but never speaks.  “Hey Kelly, how are you?”  No response.  Just a daffy smile as she turns away.  Sometimes her mom walks down to the bus stop too.  Last time she did she was wearing two different styles of dress shoes on each foot and a man’s blazer over her house dress.  Phenomenal.

The last child, and my personal favorite, is a kid called Cooper who I have affectionately named “The Yeti.”  Cooper shows up at the bus stop once every five weeks, out of nowhere.  Otherwise you never see him.  Not at the bus stop, the neighborhood park, the pool, walking on the sidewalk.  Nope, you don’t see him.  He’s like the Yeti, the Bigfoot of Ridgeview Park neighborhood.  He’s in fifth grade and has a brother but that’s about all the information I have on him.

Of course, my children add to the strangeness.  Benjamin has no concept of personal space and is often crowding up into people’s faces making weird noises and trying to tell fart jokes.  And Jack has an obsession with being first in line to get on the bus.  He nearly knocks people down to stand closest to the curb, arms stretched out in an attempt to block people from passing.  He’s serious, too.  It’s no joke to him.

I love going to the bus stop each morning.  What better entertainment to kick off my day.

Above is a link to an article by one of my former professors, Troy Temple. I think his insights are worth taking the time to read. Particularly noteworthy was this note for parents who choose to send their children to public schools (which, Troy himself does):

If you’re a parent, your education of your child is what matters most. Formal education isn’t everything. Especially as a public-school parent, it’s your responsibility to train your children to view everything that they learn in relation to a biblical worldview. That’s what God intended from the beginning, regardless of your context. In contemporary society, this is especially true when it comes to science and history. These moments of learning become teachable moments for you as the parent when you help your child to view every part of life from the perspective of God’s Word. Public-school parenting requires the greatest intentionality in this regard.

At CCC, we do not officially promote one form of schooling over another. We respect the freedom and decisions of each family and understand that schooling choices are complex. Yet we also want to remind you as parents that you are primarily responsible for the education of your child. If they are being taught in a public school setting, in particular, you need to intentionally engage with them about what they are learning. Help them understand the proper motive for learning and working hard (that it’s more than just building up a good list of accomplishments for a college application). Help them see through the naturalistic assumptions that are the foundation of their scientific textbooks. Help them learn the history of God’s people (e.g. church history)–not just of America…Help them biblically evaluate the plot and the moral compass that guides the characters in the stories they are reading in English class.

You don’t need to have a Ph.D. or spend hours upon hours every day in a classroom in your house in order to do this. But you do need to be intentional. Know what they’re learning. Know what they’re not learning. Skim through their textbooks. Skim the papers they write. Ask them questions that get them to think and evaluate what they’re learning–rather than just taking it all at face value.

If you’d like to know more about how to engage your son or daughter about their education as the school year starts, we’d love to help! Really, we would. Email us: mgoodwin@christscovenant.org

Daytime Classes: Leigh’s School of Dance (13490 S Arapho Drive) in Olathe

Village ~ Newborn to 18 mos. with parent ~ Do-Si-Do

Pick up your baby and dance!  In Do-Si-Do, you’ll dance the Charleston, the Tango, and the Cha-Cha.  Learn why dancing with your baby helps develop vital learning skills.  We will also play a variety of age-appropriate instruments and dance with fun props. Home Materials: Picture board book, CD of the songs heard in class, an egg shaker and scarf for music-making at home, and a set of Art Banners for the nursery wall.

Our Time ~ 1½ to 3½ yrs. with parent ~ Wiggles & Giggles

The songs, dances, and activities in this unit were chosen to reflect the importance of movement in the life of a toddler.  We’ll splash in the tub, hop like frogs, and take pretend boat rides.  Our focus on the emotional life of the toddler leads to giggles, hugs, and joyful steps toward independence.  Home Materials: 2 2 literature books, 2 CD’s featuring songs from class, Home Activity Book, 2 zigzag blocks, all conveniently stored in a carry bag.

Imagine That! ~ 3½ to 5 yrs. ~ See What I Saw

In this class, preschoolers use their real experience of playing in the park to create imaginative storytelling scenarios with music.  Each week, we’ll go on imaginary trips to Grasshopper Park, and add to the experience with music and movement.  Families join for 15 minutes of class.  Home materials: 2 CDs, 2 literature books, play set, Family Activity Book, slide whistle, 2 lummi sticks, and an optional backpack.

ABC Music & Me ~ 5 to 6 yrs. (grades K-1) ~ Key Up for the Parade

Join the Parade and get All Keyed Up!  Everyone will get to be in the band as school-aged children move to parade music and listen to instruments from marching bands.  They will also discover keyboards of all kinds through the music of J.S. Bach, In the process, children will learn and experience the musical concepts of piano, forte, legato, and staccato.  Parents and siblings join us the last 10 minutes of each class. Home materials: 2 Home CDs, 2 Family Activity Guides, a pair of castanets, and a recorder.

Family Time ~ Newborn to 7 yrs. with parent ~ Make Way for Music

Families will sing, dance, and move their way through an exploration of several elements of music:  beat and rhythm, staccato and legato, high and low, voices, and instrument families.  We’ll engage in activities that the whole family can enjoy together.  Home Materials: 2 CDs, 2 literature books, Family Activity Book, instrument-matching board game, and 2 finger drums.

Evening Classes: Language Workshop for Children (11648 W 135th Street) in Overland Park

Our Time ~ 1½ to 3½ yrs. with parent ~ Wiggles & Giggles

The songs, dances, and activities in this unit were chosen to reflect the importance of movement in the life of a toddler.  We’ll splash in the tub, hop like frogs, and take pretend boat rides.  Our focus on the emotional life of the toddler leads to giggles, hugs, and joyful steps toward independence.  Home Materials: 2 2 literature books, 2 CD’s featuring songs from class, Home Activity Book, 2 zigzag blocks, all conveniently stored in a carry bag.

Imagine That! ~ 3½ to 5 yrs. ~ See What I Saw

In this class, preschoolers use their real experience of playing in the park to create imaginative storytelling scenarios with music.  Each week, we’ll go on imaginary trips to Grasshopper Park, and add to the experience with music and movement.  Families join for 15 minutes of class.  Home materials: 2 CDs, 2 literature books, play set, Family Activity Book, slide whistle, 2 lummi sticks, and an optional backpack.

Family Time ~ Newborn to 7 yrs. with parent ~ Make Way for Music

Families will sing, dance, and move their way through an exploration of several elements of music:  beat and rhythm, staccato and legato, high and low, voices, and instrument families.  We’ll engage in activities that the whole family can enjoy together.  Home Materials: 2 CDs, 2 literature books, Family Activity Book, instrument-matching board game, and 2 finger drums.

Visit Julie’s website today to enroll. All classes are 45 minutes in length. A $60 deposit due at enrollment ($30 for Village classes), with the remainder due by first class. Enroll by August 1 and get $10 off, plus a free gift! In addition, there is a $30 discount for siblings who enroll in the same session (already included in Family Time pricing). Scholarships and payment plans are also available ~ contact Julie for details!