Could not resist posting this. Here are today’s top search terms to find this blog:

That’s right kids, not one listing, but two for bouquet of penis! Not sure how they got here but if you are the people who keyed that in might I direct you to this lovely option for a penis lollipop bouquet (in pretty colors, I might add).

Wendy had the best comment when I sent her this today:

“My favorite is Bouquet of Penis. Wondering if it’s an air freshener or a decorative item…”

She has a point there. Perhaps a poll is in order. I am a little poll happy this week.

A bit concerning were the searches for kid penis and women with penises. Seriously, think about what people are looking for out there and it will send a chill up your spine.

I am thinking I may need to take myself off the mom bloggers lists.

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So, occassionally I like to post some strange search terms that folks Google that takes them to this here bloggity blog.  Here’s the latest.

words that sound like tomato

Hmm…potato?  That’s all I got. 

he paid me to rub my feet

Does he look like Tom Welling?  If so, I will let him pay me to rub my feet too. 

motivator sounds like

A dirty word, that’s what it sounds like.  At least to bad word replacer at Oxygen.

full bladder sweating

Umm, they make products for that.  Like Depends.

cow aerobic

Is this like, words that don’t go together?  Ooh  I wanna try!  Hmm…ok here goes:  cat pee christmas lights.  Durn, I think I’m missing something here.

ninja glare sheet music

Oh man, if you find the sheet music to “Ninja Glare” I will sooo buy it.  Because I know this one girl who would pay through the nose for it.

birds on tree poop my car

Wow.  That poor bird.  To poop a whole car.  Wow.

tomatoes give me gas

Febreze, my friend.

This search engine term clears takes the cake. Not once but twice on Sunday someone found me with this odd combination of words. (Actually, I just did my research and it’s the partial title of a book I reviewed here )

It’s story time.

At noon tomorrow I’m going to go up on my roof and see if I can fly my wiki.  I will need to buy a new bottle of ketchup first because in past trials the wiki flew best when covered in ketchup. The last time I had to buy a bottle of ketchup it was in May.I don’t use much ketchup.

Your turn!

Picture 3, originally uploaded by sizzled.

“how big is a dime of weed” probably ranks #5 or so on that list.

also of note: how frequently people spell boogaloo with a “u”

I know, it’s been awhile since I have done one of these. This one is for Kate, who told me last night these are her faves. Here’s the drill for you new comers to the house of I Could Cry. These are my favorite actual search terms for the past month that landed people on this blog. I am always amazed at what people will key in. I add in a little commentary because, well because that is what I do. And I link them back to the posts that I think they found.

1. hannukah pap smear I am still mildly outraged by this (while being slightly amused at the absurdity). And I suppose many others are as well, since it is the number one search term this past week.

2. girl fights were boobs pop out Ah, the ever famous girl fight post, and of course its followup, Vol. 2. Yeh, this one is a big hit. And of course the top search term that lands them here always has a boob popping out. Yes friends, not only to the guys want to see a girl fight, they are always hoping for a boob to pop out. Simple physics, I suppose.

3. tampon games Again, tampon search terms are popular here. I write about them quite a bit. I linked to tampon bowling this time because besides tampon crafts, this is my favorite.

4. slippers made maxi pads What better follow-up to tampon crafts than the ever famous maxi pad slippers. Seriously folks, there is really no need to go past the corner drug store for your holiday shopping this year.

5. castrated I had to think about this one for a minute until I remembered the mannequins that I caught with their pants down at the mall.

6. dick in the box No, I am sorry, that would be a Big Box of Shut the Hell Up!

7. big penis posting pictures Ah. National Penis Day – how will you celebrate it? Yes, finally the penis has the day it was due.

8. sports, men, cheez-its crackers Think about that, this statement is almost a complete sentence.

9. how to make my pennis mussels strong Wow, you better have a strong ‘pennis’ if those are your spelling skills, pal.

10. humor and leashes I am thinking the kid in this post does not find this all that funny.

And there you have it. Hope you enjoyed the show. Now go eat some turkey and be nice to your family.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Since I really enjoyed doing my first post about Search Engine Terms of WordPress… let’s try again! What people want to read on my blog and how they come up reading my posts about a certain topic… this is the question!

Your favorite…

796 hits for Adventureland. Wow! And I wrote that the movie was boring…

539 hits for Eric Northman. *dreaming eyes*

113 hits for Rocky Horror Picture Show. I love that movie!

109 hits for eating. ???

95 hits for Salvador Dalì. One of my favorite painters.

Let’s have a look to the funny stuff!

5 hits for “hjärtslag short film watch“. I really don’t know what it means. I guess it’s Swedish.

3 hits for “how to be an actor“. I’m sorry but I don’t have an answer for this question.

2 hits for “ewan mcgregor in some movie about addiction“. I guess you were looking for Trainspotting.

2 hits for “picture of someone eatiing“. I really don’t understand this obsession you have for eating.

1 hit for “joseph gordon levitt looks like heath ledger“. I do think so!

1 hit for “are drugs a big deal“. Yes and they are a big issue!

1 hit for “meaghan jette martin es bianca“. What? Is it Spanish?

MaryG

I just looked at my blog stats and saw the popular search terms used that magically brought people to my blog.

And all I have to say is: What.the.f.

I’m not even going to type out the phrase that has scared me the most but check out the 4th one down from Today’s search term.  Um… what?!  Have I ever written about that?!  Sweet jebus… I need to blog more about puppy dogs and rainbows.

As for the tiny —-, thank you internet for reminding me daily (yes, this is THE most popular term used) that I am flat-chested.  Its not bad enough that I’m reminded everyday when I look in the mirror!  Sheesh!

Who knew that googling sex with your sister was a bi-monthly activity? The last time I had a spike in blog readership it was due to an article I wrote when I discovered how many people were finding me using search terms involving sex with sisters. Sex With Sister Tips. Um…Yeah got 402 hits in July, 67 hits in August, 235 hits in September, 10 hits in October, and so far 280 hits in November. Each of these spikes in hits occurred within a short span of time, which makes me wonder what happens for a couple of days every other month that makes people want to know about having sex with their sister. On the other hand, perhaps I don’t want to know.

I’m going to miss perusing stats such as these, but if I’m going to be spending less time online, the stats will have to go. Though I find them fascinating, checking stats is an unproductive activity. Does it help me to know that blog readership is down? Does it help me to know that blog viewership is up due to sex with sister tips? Not really.

And why am I writing about this instead of promoting my blog tour? Because it’s more interesting than announcing that, once again, my host bailed on me. I posted the article on the Dragon My Feet blog so it didn’t go to waste, so if you want to see it, you can find it here: What Do You Do When You Have Too Much Background Information?

Lazarus Barnhill, a fellow Second Wind author has posted an interesting article: In Praise of Romance. It’s mostly about the Second Wind romance writers (so you won’t find my books listed), but it’s still worth taking a look at — for the question he asks, if nothing else: Can a man write a romance novel?

So what else is interesting? I spent the morning unfollowing people on Twitter who unfollowed me. If you want to find out who unfollowed you, go to Friend or Follow. It’s one of the more interesting Twitter-related programs I’ve seen in a long time. The unfollowing is the beginning of my new focus — quality, not quantity. I’m not going to automatically follow people just because they follow me. If my promotional actvities aren’t going to make me rich, then I’m going to have fun.

Speaking of fun, tomorrow should be a fun day. I’m going to be hosting romance author Judi Fennell here and at Dragon My Feet, and she will be hosting me at her blog. I will be talking about mountains and mermaids. Bet you never saw that one coming!

Don’t forget, you can download the first 30% of each of my books free at Smashwords.

Oh, and in case you’d like to follow me on Twitter, you can find me here: Twitter

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Okay I have to ask…

2 or 3 of the total daily views of this blog come from people who type “ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss” into a search engine.

I don’t get it…help me out?

The day you’ve all been waiting for! I’ve had some doozies. And many of them I have NO idea how they led poor souls to MY blog. Without further ado, here are mine. I can’t wait to hear yours!

This all started when I came across a search term that led someone to my blog, “Wrinkled Boobs.” Are you kidding me? Who searches for wrinkled boobs? And since that post here are some variations that have led people here: wrinked bobbs, wringled boobs, boobs right, boobs left. Boobs left and right? Seriously, there are a lot of boobs people out there that are obsessed with boobs.

turtle poop – I know exactly which post they were directed to: here. But what baffles me is why anyone would Google turtle poop.

Hey, I’m going away but I got something – Huh? This has got to be lyrics to a song or something.

(my daughter’s nickname which is fairly unique) – And it freaked me out. Her nickname is VERY unique and I found out it was attached to a photo I used of her which I quickly renamed.

dirty mom son - – Ewwwwww. Just Ewwwwww.

mom getting dirty with son and girlfriend – Double ewwwww!

kids clack – Huh? Just huh?

dirty fat moms – Hey! Who you callin’ fat, Willis?

top ten reasons you might be a jedi redneck – Someone actually knows that it’s possible and then even cares about being a jedi redneck. That astounds me.

Ok. So let’s hear yours. You can leave it in the comment section here OR if you’ve written a post on it as well, make sure you link it in the comment section so we can all take a look. Thanks for playing!

(We just found out my daughter’s team has a very good chance of advancing to finals in the State Championships. If that happens I won’t be able to check in with you all until sometime Saturday. I’ll miss you all but can’t wait to read what you’ve come up with! See you soon and wish us luck!)

One part of the WordPress stats tracker is the list of search engine terms people use to find my blog. I’m not sure if this is just when they search WordPress, or if it includes Google, etc.

But I laugh every time this list is updated. Here’s a list of things people search the internet for and then clicked on my blog hoping to find some answers:

• people being sympathetic: 6 (well i guess i’m sympathetic to the environment)
• tundra humpback whale: 4 (sorry everyone, whales live in water)
• pictures of people being sympathetic: 3 (what would that even look like?) ***
• κλιματικές αλλαγές: 2 (i wonder if that means climate change in another language)
• too many studies: 2 (of what?)
• animals suffocating on plastic bags: 1 (i’m glad there’s only one of you out there!)

Note: the top search is ‘climate change’ at 372; the next closest number, ‘climate change policy’, is 19. At least I have some people actually interested in the topic!

That’s all, hope you smiled.

*** Just what I thought, looks like nothing.

Update: New favorite search! what will a polar bear and whale mix tog: 1

Monday’s search terms are so disheartening.  Is Delicate Flower being viewed as a slut?  Is this blog site a mere pornographic blog in disguise?  According to the terms used to find me it would seem so!  Of course, it’s pretty entertaining to see what people type in… as well as a tad scary.

A few observations about this seekers.

1. They can’t spell
2. There is something magical about the no. 7 ( Or are there really 7 erogenous zones?)
3. They have weird imaginations
4. They’re perverted

I think my favorite is the “penis photo on air freshoner can”. Though  “real natural  japeneese women vaginas pic”  is pretty classy too.It’s a phrase that brings such rich images to mind.

Maybe Glade is expanding it’s  product line?

женщина с цветком translated: Woman with the Flower

Today, someone from across the big pond is lurking at Delicacies. I find it totally fascinating and more than a tad unsettling that my blog is so searchable. I know, how naive of me to think otherwise. And, isn’t the purpose of writing a public blog to get attention, stats? Don’t we go see what our stats are on Technorati, or our subscriber numbers.

I knew I had readers from foreign countries, Malaysia, Spain, Brazil (he disappeared… Joe ran him off) Singapore, South Africa, England, Canada and Australia. But Russia?  If the search engine words are in Russian can this person read my blog? Would he/she translate or just look at my pictures and scratch their head? It’s one of those questions that might keep me from doing legitimate work this morning.  Well… probably not.

I am part Delicate Flower, part Pandora. I like to know!  Please don’t hide stuff from me or tell me a partial story.. I can’t stand the not-knowing.

I know the Islamics are after me; remember the Jihad ? So, we’ll wait and see what happens here.  And, if you don’t see me for a few days call 911, it could be that I’ve offended the Russian Mafia..or captivated them so strongly that someone kidnaps me and makes me his шлюха…He’ll take me to his Winter palace outside of St. Petersburg where we’ll……………………

I still don’t have all of this blog stuff figured out. But I’m learning something new every day and that’s a good thing. In WordPress, which is where you are this very minute, I have a Dashboard and a Blog Stats page. On these pages I can find out interesting facts, statistics, if you will, about my blog. I’m not terribly obsessive but I DO like numbers. My husband calls me “The Woman Who Counted,” after the book “The Man Who Counted” by Malba Tahan (great book, by the way!). But I digress….you’re used to this by now, right? Anyhoo….

I’m continually intrigued by the kind of posts that garner the most views. Hot topics – people like. Boring pictures (which I like) or music videos? Not so much. When I write for myself, I have about an 80% approval rate from you all. Not that I’m trying to gain approval. But I’m glad I inspire some of you to think out of the box. I’m not trying to win any rewards, although that IS nice, so thank you Robin and Felicia. I enjoy sharing my thoughts. Reaching out to people I might not otherwise reach. Meeting new people and discovering new ideas. Tackling new terrain. I enjoy being pushed a little out of my comfort zone, a little being the operative phrase.  

But this? This is a bit too far out of my comfort zone. Ok. A Lot out of my comfort zone. Uh-uh. No Way! This is a bit creepy.

On my stats page there is a little section called Search Engine Terms: These are terms people used to find your blog. “The skinny kid anorexia” – Ok, that was probably from the post I did about average being beautiful.   ”Peanut butter no bake cookies” – a recipe post about one of my favorite cooking memories. “Turtle good feng shui” - the picture post about our turtle visitor. “Rest in Peace” – the recent post when we found out my daughter’s boyfriend just died. But this next one? I’m already getting the heebie jeebies…..

Are you ready?

Ok…..wait for it….wait for it….and shoo the kids out of the room while you’re at it….

**holding my breath**

“Mother getting dirty with son and girlfr”

EWWWWWWWW. Seriously? And one of MY posts popped up? Which one? It’s gotta be this one: Son Drops the “S” Word! Queen Mother of Dirty Words! (To a 6 yr. old, that is) . It has the word son, mother and dirty all in the title. So some sicko, searching about getting dirty with mothers, sons and their girlfrs (what IS a girlfr, anyway? 1/2 a girlfriend?).  Ewwwww. And then they clicked on my blog hoping to find some hot fun but they found a mundane story about my 6 yr. old.  I’m sure I disappointed them. But did they not read the entire title and then just look away?

So I’m warning all of you out there. If you don’t want weirdos (of the strange, sick variety of course, not cute, quirky, loveable weirdos like me) stalking your pages, be careful! Use your words wisely. Clever titles sometimes equal creepy search engine fodder.

I’m still a little disturbed…..creeped out…..

Oh, I feel so used.

Kinda quiet around here, isn’t it? Yes, ever since autumn rolled around the blog seems to have fallen into a dark, stagnant malaise, a funk which is reflected not only in its content (he said, as though he was not himself partially responsible for the blog’s content) but also, somehow, in the search engine terms which lead readers to this site. Remember the good old days, when people found PLS by looking for all types of crazy, morally reprehensible things? These days our search engine terms just seem to show the same stuff, over and over.

Take the terms for this past Sunday, for example:

Eminem, John Belanger, sperm sharking. Ten terms, and not a single one I haven’t seen a thousand times before.

Still, there have been a few terms that I felt were worth commenting on, so without further ado, here they are (in compact, appealing list format):

The Top 3 PLS Search Engine Terms Worth Commenting On

3. “walter brimley”

I can’t tell you how many people have found our blog by searching this name. (Okay, I can. It’s eleven.) Obviously this term is leading people to Sam’s controversial post on John Fox, but the guy Fox replaced was named Wilford Brimley, not Walter. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I can’t help but feel that we’re preventing people from finding information about Walter A. Brimley, CLU, the Flint, Michigan financial advisor. I can barely sleep at night thinking about how many clients that man must have lost to this blog.

By the way, how much must it suck to be constantly mistaken for a celebrity who doesn’t even really have the same name as you? Oh, wait…

2. “military fetish”

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m getting sick of these damn fetishes.  You’re looking for a military fetish?  Really?  Well, fine, here you go:

Nah, this is just the Care Bears again. I was going to Photoshop General Ray Odierno's head onto the body of a girl in a camo bikini, but... I don't know. I'm just not up to that today.

1. “dick fetish”

God damn it.  You don’t have a “fetish,” you’re just a straight woman or a gay man.

I really am sick of this.  You know what, here’s some classy stuff:

Mozart!

Chichen Itza!

Sodium bicarbonate molecule!

There.  The next time I check our search engine terms I better not see any dick fetishes.

The best search engine term to date.  As I’ve mentioned recently, the upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie has been a boon for my blog.  People world-wide are seeking the wisdom of Delicate Flower and my posts on Alice in Wonderland.

“алиса в страната на чудесата”  yep: Alice in Wonderland!

I’ve gone international.  Whoever this searcher was probably read the post Alice Dorothy Porn and was left totally befuddled… ha!

Those of you who’ve been reading for a while may remember question time. Basically I check my blog stats, find the most interesting search engine terms that have led people here then list them in a blog post, complete with my answers/comments. Unfortunately the most interesting searches I’ve had in months are “bee carving” (my first thought was ‘what?!’, closely followed by ‘poor bees!’) and “how to tell who sent you an anonymous valentine” (uh, you don’t. That’s why it’s anonymous). All the rest are even more boring, which does not a good question time make. And so I’m left with… nothing. I can’t even tell you about my weekend because I spent yesterday at work (company anniversary event) and we all know blogging about work can never be good. So instead you get a non-post type post, which I’m only writing because nothing’s happening on Facebook and I need some excuse not to go and mop the kitchen floor…

Ok, so before I talk about the whole dress debacle, let me just show you some of my search engine terms:

Are you looking for an almost funny blog? Why – you’ve come to the right place!

And now for the wedding dress showdown

Dress ones positives:

It’s simple and elegant, especially for a wedding dress. It’s shiny and has great fabric. It’s not all frilly.

Dress two positives:

It’s girlie and Gatsby-esque (which I do appreciate Lori!), it has sleeves (so no accidental boob-showings), it weighs less than the other dress, and…it’s the first wedding dress I ever fell in love with. I neglected to say that yesterday because I didn’t want to weigh anyone’s opinions.

The final tally is:

Dress 1: 3 votes

Dress 2: 4 votes

Hybrid of both dresses: 1 vote

Dammit. This didn’t help me at ALL!

Kidding kidding, I was halfway hoping that one of the dresses would win over the other, and that totally gave my answer right there. So, I guess I am saying I used you all to get my answer.

Sorry if you feel used.

Speaking of sorry things …what the fuck is wrong with John Phillips?! I could write 5 pages of WHAT THE HELL over and over.  But this is supposed to be a humor blog so I just won’t write about it.

I hate it when people find my blog by searching for things like “sucking his dick.” It wasn’t this blog that was found, but another one.

This post is an experiment to see how much pervy traffic I can generate with interesting search terms (also because I have an odd sense of humor):

• Slutty naked virgins want to play horsey!
• Fuck my sloppy wet hole
• Anal
• I want to suck the taste of my ass off your dick (also my favorite pick up line)
• Hey! Fat middle-aged men! Hot teenagers squirm for your throbbing member!
• Lonely housewives in semen withdrawal need a fill up!
• Smelly fat men dripping sweat on me gets me hot (maybe I should leave my ex out of this)
• Boobs!
• I want to have my uvula surgically removed so you can shove your cock down my greased throat.
• Slutty bitches, whores and strippers, writhing on poles, leaving dull snail trails, festering with bacteria
• Hot wet pussy free to good home!
• I love it when you squirt all over my face then slap me.

I could come up with many more, but I can feel the quality degrading, so I’ll stop.

Examples for search terms people used on their way to this blog, followed by commentary from yours truly:

- asphalt vs jeans
Jeans wins. Every time.

- how to have fun in riyadh
You don’t. You can’t.

- italian culture club jeddah
Is there such thing? UPDATE: Souma says there, actually, is.

- is it safe to visit to beirut in july 20
I was there in August, and it felt pretty safe.

- jeans not like my daughter dubai
Sorry what?

- saudis think emiratis are liberal
Do we think that?

- happy ending love boring
Oh come on! Love is not boring. Love is nice.

- nightlife in riyadh
Yeah, right!

I started this blog eighteen months ago, and last night my blog reached 100,000 hits!

The first month I started this blog (2008 March), it got only about 20 hits a day…but the number steadily climbed.

These days my blog gets between 700 – 850 hits a day. At that rate, it’ll get another 100,000 by next January.

My blog's monthly stats for 2008 March - 2009 August

Sometimes I’m surprised by the search engine terms that people have used to find my blog.

Such as:

• IKEA logo (I have a post about IKEA in Japan. And their logo is on the page. Click here).
• McDonalds logo (It’s on this post).
• Gene Simmons (He’s the bassist in the rock band KISS. I have a number of KISS-related posts. This post shows his photo and a video of him performing a song written exclusively for a Japanese movie).
• Detroit Metal City (This is the Japanese movie that Gene Simmons cameos in).
• Death Note (I have this post).
• Rock And Roll Over (I did two interviews with the artist of that KISS album cover. Here and here).
• Godzilla (Maybe this post will interest you).
• Octopus (I have a post about octopi with too many legs. It’s here).
• John Lennon shot (I wrote a post about it on the 28th anniversary of that tragedy).

How did you find my blog? With a search engine? What were you searching when you found it? Did you find, on my blog, what you were looking for?

And, if you have a blog, what search engine terms do people use to commonly find your blog?

Ok. That does it. Wrinkled Boobs. You heard me right. Somebody searched for wrinkled boobs and they were directed to my blog. First of all, wrinkled boobs? Are you kidding me? Why? Why in God’s name are you searching wrinkled boobs? I can’t stop giggling. That is just weirder than weird. Second, why in the world were you directed to my blog? I can’t, for the life of me, figure out what I could have possibly written that had both wrinkled and boobs in it.

We all tossed around this idea before and I’m just making it official….I have an assignment for all of you out there: Over the next week start collecting your strangest, wildest search engine terms – the terms people used to find your blog. On Friday, November 13 let’s all meet back here and share. I’ll post some of my crazy ones and you can leave a comment posting yours. Or, if you’ve written about it, as well, please comment here so we can run over to your blog and check it out. If you can figure out which post it may have referred to - go ahead and include that as well.

This should be very entertaining! I’m looking forward to seeing what pops up!

(Update: If you Google “wrinkled boobs” 1.1 million results pop up and I’m #1!)

When I went to check my stats just now, this is what I got:

Yeah. I dont know either.

As of 9:33 AM on November 3, I have received a total of 27,297 hits from June of this year, up to the start of the sixth month of my dearest blog. Thank you so much to everyone who takes precious time away from their days to visit my site. It means a lot that people actually care what I’m up to. <3 Much love.

I’ve also made 87 posts, this being my 88th. Who knew I had so much to say? People often wonder what got me to start this blog. I’ve never exactly been the blogging type, never really opened up to anyone without a need to. And as anyone can see, this isn’t exactly that kind of blog. It’s just a reason for me to say what I wan’t less the criticism (cause I can edit out comments! nyahaha, a favorite feature of many, but surprisingly, I haven’t gotten to use it yet.)

NOW…here’s the part of wordpress that really amuses me. SEARCH ENGINE TERMS.

Although I’m used to the “bea soriano” “martine cajucom” and “rosanna aranaz” related searches, and the occasional “kylie misa” and “jaye borromeo” ones, I just can’t help but laugh (and sometimes shudder with revulsion) at the sight of some of the others.

“sleepover bad” -> Gross. and to google it? My god! What has the world come to?

“krystle uy sched” -> Ok, this is just creepy. Creepy person, you should be ashamed of yourself! Whoever Krystle Uy you’re looking for (there are a lot, I’m quite sure) I hope you don’t find her!

Because of this, my dear readers, I am left with no choice but to erase some posts I’ve made for safety reasons. (It’s really kinda creepy.) Maybe it’s a common thing for veteran bloggers, but I’m not one of them, so safety measures are gonna come into play. :|

“I die!” -Rachel Zoe

P.S.

I just have to post this! HAHAHA GIAN LAO, I HATE YOU!